01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

GULLS CRY

GULL SCREAMS

MUSIC: Really Saying Something
by Bananarama & Fun Boy Three

♪ I was walking down the street
Doo waddy wah

♪ When this boy started following me
Oh, yeah

♪ Oh, I ignored
all the things he said

♪ Doo waddy wah
He moved me in every way

♪ Really saying something
Saying something

♪ Bop bop shoo be doo wah... ♪

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Are you watching him next door?

No!

So? You're always spying on him.

BUCKET CLANGS OUTSIDE

Aw, Bev, he's filling buckets
AGAIN. Oh...

Right.

Chaffinch.

Says 'ere that they "typically breed
between late April and early May,

"with an incubation period
around 15 days

"with roughly 11 to 18 fledge days".

What are you going on about?
Well, that was his excuse,

why he couldn't cut the hedge -
chaffinches nesting.

Well, not if they're "typically
breeding between late April

"and early May". You're obsessed,
Clive. Just leave him alone.

Anyway, I like him.
I think he's funny.

Funny?
Yeah. Quirky. Interesting.

Not boring.

"Funny"!

Your Majesty.

Ma'am.

Oh, God...

ENGINE STRUGGLES

Agh!
LOUD BANG

VOICES NEARBY

Where's Oscar with the wheelbarrow?

What's going on?
None of your business.

Did you steal this van?
Found it. They left the coins.

Well, you can't take them.

Why not? Finders keepers.

There's nothing left.

Where do you live?
What school do you go to?

I should call the police.
Piss off, Grandad.

If you do, I'll tell them
you showed us your d*ck.

Get 'em all in.

Yeah, I mean, it was all right,

but I doubt I'll watch
any more episodes. It's just...

..I find I can't believe him
in serious roles any more,

not since I saw him
crying in his pants

in "I'm a Celebrity...
Get Me Out of Here!". Right. Mm.

Like, I'm sure he plays a really
convincing hospice worker, but once

you've seen someone chewing down a
kangaroo's an*s on ITV it's hard to

suspend your disbelief,
innit? Mm-hm...

Oh, my God, is that
Kaitlin Thorncroft? Who?

The newsreader.
I've got absolutely no idea.

It is her. Oh, my God.
I'm going to go and talk to her.

Hiya! Do you need any help?

Yes, please. I do not know
what I'm doing.

I've got this pipe spewing water on
the patio. I just need to stop it or

seal it or something.
This came off. It's split.

Let's get you over to
the plumbing aisle.

Yeah, so this bit goes on the hose
pipe first, and then this bit screws

into that, and that should do it.

That's amazing. Thank you so much.

What's your name?
Erm...

Kacey. Thank you again, Kacey.
You're welcome. Bye. Bye!

It's nice to meet you...

SHE SOBS

Are you all right?

What happened?
Did you see her?

Yeah. What happened? Why are you
upset? She was just so...

..I don't know, so friendly...
and, oh, my God, just so confident

and successful.
And she asked my name,

but then she saw my badge,
and it's just...

It's like she's not going back to
a sh*t, damp flat with mould in the

bathroom, is she?

And she even smelled nice!

Is this an official break? Because
I don't remember telling anyone...

KACEY SOBS

Is she...?

What?
Crying?

It looks like it, yes.
What's wrong with her?

SHOUTING: Get out!

Let's get out of here.

This cafe's named after the dog
that found the World Cup. Pickles.

Are you OK now?

Yeah.

Thanks. Sorry. I don't know
what came over me.

So, erm...

Sorry, what's her name?
Kaitlin Thorncroft.

Kaitlin Thorncroft. Is she...?
Is she what?

Well, is she, like, your favourite,
or something? No, I haven't thought

about her twice before in my life.
She's just someone off the telly.

But it was...

It was like looking through
a window into another life.

She had a driver. Did you see?

Not a cabbie. A driver, someone
who just, like, drives her around.

I don't know, it was just weird,
seeing her in real life,

in the shop.
Yeah. Yeah, I think I get it.

She had a patio.
Have you got a patio?

I think so.

I certainly used to have a patio.

I haven't seen it for a while.

Imagine having a job
you actually gave a f*ck about.

So what would you be doing?
In an ideal world,

what job would you
give a f*ck about?

I know exactly what
I'd be doing. What?

I'm not telling you. Why not?
Because it's ridiculous.

It's impossible. Well, it isn't,
because you thought of it.

Honestly, it...it's stupid.
Tell me. No. Tell me!

I want to be in Neighbours.

Pardon? Neighbours? No, see, cos
you're going to laugh, and it's...

I...I'm not laughing. Neighbours,
the Australian soap opera? Yes.

Sorry, you want to be in Neighbours
as an actor? Yes.

Are you an actor?
No.

Mate, you can be in Neighbours.
Why not? You just have to, you know,

"believe". Wait a minute,
wasn't Neighbours cancelled? Yes!

Don't worry, we'll bring it back.
I'll start a crowd-funder.

What sort of character would you be?
Would you be, like, the quirky

English character that's just... You
don't think I could do Australian?

Oh, right, you're an Australian
character? Well, yeah, they're all

Australian in it.
Can you do the accent?

Shut up.
I wish I hadn't said anything.

HE LAUGHS

Bloody hell, Kace,
I think that is fantastic.

I'm going to help you.

I'm just trying to think,
have I got any contacts

within the Australian
Broadcasting Corporation?

We can figure that out.
We will bring back Neighbours,

and you will be in it. Oh, yes,
you WILL be in it. Cheers.

REALLY annoyed
that Gordon saw me cry.

Why?
Because!

He saw a weakness. He'll use it
against me. Crying isn't a weakness.

When was the last time you cried?

I don't cry. It's a weakness.

Seriously, though, you do cry?
No, really, I don't.

Can't remember
the last time I cried.

Nah, I bet you sob yourself
to sleep every night.

Don't, like...

..tell anyone...
about the Neighbours thing, yeah?

Not even Brigham?
Oh, you better not!

Oh, yeah - you know when you were
at the pub last week

and you were drunk?
Wasn't drunk.

Right. Well, you know when we were
at the pub for Andre's birthday?

What is it that you were
growing in jars? Eh?

You kept going on about these
creatures you were growing in your

shed. Magical Sea-Monkeys or summat.
Did I say that?

Was that just to you or to everyone?
To everyone.

Shite! I must have been drunk.
Yeah.

Well, can you see 'em yet,
or are they still invisible

to the naked human eye?
No, they're visible now.

Well, three of 'em.
They're about this size.

And what were they called again?
Homunculi. Homunculi.

Can I come and see them, then?
I wasn't supposed to tell anyone.

I can't believe I said that
in the pub. Ohhh!

Do you think they'll remember?
I doubt it. They were all leathered.

Can I come and see them?

Reluctant face emoji.

Come on. I told you
about the Neighbours thing.

Maybe.

OK. But you mustn't
mention it to ANYONE.

When?
Weekend, maybe?

Michael! Mike!

HE GIGGLES
How's your homunculi?

Oh, bloody hell!

He's not answering his phone.
..Here he is. This is him.

Michael Sleep?

Er, yeah...

Did you witness a robbery
this morning?

No. I don't think so.

A security van?

Oh, yeah. God!
Yes. Sorry, yes, I did.

Er, some kids were robbing
the coins. Little...

MICHAEL CHUCKLES

Can we have a word?

How many kids?
Er, four. Or five.

Or six. One of them
had a wheelbarrow.

And why didn't you report it?
I was going to,

but then I heard your sirens
coming, so...

As a witness to a crime, do you not
think you should have stayed

and reported what you saw?

They said they were going to
tell you that I'd exposed myself.

Why did you expose yourself?
No, I didn't.

But that's what they said they were
going to say, and I didn't want to

stick around and be accused of it.
Sorry, what...

..what are you writing?

"Constable Sergeant."

Hmm?
Nothing.

Did you see which way they went?
Not really.

Do you think you could recognise
any of them again?

It's unlikely. They were kids.
They were just grubby kids.

Oh, one of them had jam on its face.

What kind?

Of jam?
Yes.

Apricot.

That's just a guess.

He's coming now.

What are you doing? What are you
doing? Get back to work!

Michael, do you mind telling me
what the hell's going on?

I saw some kids robbing a van on
the way to work. That's it, Gordon.

I can't have police officers
PHONE RINGS

marching in here, questioning my
staff. How do you think that looks?

Hello, Hilary?

Yes, I'll be right there.
No.

Ah, t-t-t-t-t...

Yes, I'm on my way. OK.

I've got to go. Me dad's
had a fall at the home.

I didn't "have a fall".
I tripped over the effing cat.

Is that not having a fall?
No. It's entirely different.

A "fall" is what old people do when
they can't be arsed

to concentrate on
standing up properly.

Number one, I'm not old enough
to have a fall.

You're pushing 90, Dad.

Number two, I tripped
over an effing cat!

HE MOUTHS

Well, we'll get the doctor
to check you over,

make sure you haven't
fractured anything.

Can you leave us alone, please?
I need to talk to my son.

Hey, Dad, don't be rude to Hilary.
Well, I said "please", didn't I?

In a rude way, yes.
It's all right.

Do you want a cuppa?
I'm all right. Thanks, Hilary.

So...how's it going?
Are they growing?

Are you sure you're all right, Dad?
Yes. The prophets.

You said you've seen them.
Are they moving? Are they eating?

I can see three. The other jars
are empty, as far as I can tell.

Which three? Well, I think one of
them is the king. He's got a crown.

Yeah, good, that's right.
And the others?

Maybe a queen, maybe a...an angel.

That'll be the seraph, yeah.
You've got to keep on top of

the water changes and the feeding.

And continue to chant.
It makes them strong.

Dad, what are they? They look like
people trapped in jars.

What am I doing?
Should I even be doing this?

No, no, you mustn't anthropomorphise
them. They're not people.

They're not even physical
half the time. They're supernatural.

They don't abide by the laws of
nature. They have a different set of

rules which we're not even close
to understanding.

Then how do I know how to look after
them? I mean, they look as though

they're in pain. They look like
they're suffering.

Well, there you go again,
anthropomorphising!

They exist in a different realm.
They want to tell the truth,

they need to tell the truth,
so you keep them fulfilled

by asking them the questions
you need to know.

It says in the book they have to be
buried in horse manure

until they reach
the State of Divination.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, venter equinus.
Bowels of the horse, yes.

But I think any farmyard manure
will probably do the trick. Right.

It's to keep them warm?
Can't I just whack the heating up?

No, no, no. Trust the recipe,
son, it's all there.

It's as much to do with
decomposition, the breaking down of

living material to transfer
life and vitality to the prophets.

HE SIGHS

I'll, erm...I'll pop back later.

I am sorry about him
being snappy with you.

Bloody hell, that's nothing, love.
You should hear some of the names

I get called. Is he OK?
Yes. He's just a bit confused.

I'll pop back later. Hey, did he
tell you he had a visitor earlier?

Dad did? Yeah.
Was it your brother-in-law?

Roy? Clea's brother? He came here?

Oh, that's all right, is it?
Your dad seemed to recognise him.

Yes, it's...it's fine.
Do you know what he wanted?

Well, he said he was just passing,
wanted to say hello.

Fine. Cool. Thanks.

Roy, it's Michael.
I don't want you visiting my dad.

I don't know what you want from him,
but practical strangers turning up

just confuses him, and, you know,
he has his routines.

Please don't visit him without me
there or without telling me first.

It confuses him.

Bye.

Hello, Michael.

Hello...

It's funny, er... Don't know
if you remember you saying you...

Remember you said you couldn't cut
your hedge because

there were...birds nesting?
Chaffinches, I think you said.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, well,
I was just, erm...

..having a look at
this bird book, and it's, er...

I just noticed that it said that...
that they nest in, er, springtime.

Really?
Yeah.

Apparently, all...
all garden birds do, so... Yeah.

That's when they...

That's when they nest, so...

Terrifying.

What is?

Climate change.

Hello, Michael!
Bev.

Cheerio.

MUSIC: Bright Eyes
by Art Garfunkel

♪ Is it a kind of dream

PHONE RINGS
♪ Floating out on the tide

♪ Following the river of death
downstream?

♪ Oh, is it a dream?... ♪

Michael, it's Roy. Give us a ring
back when you get this message.

Listen, mate, it wasn't me that came
to visit your dad at the home.

I don't know who it was,
but it wasn't me.

So you need to find out
who's saying they're me and...

..what it is
that they want from your dad.

Give us a ring back, yeah?
Cheers. Bye.

Hello! It's Roy, isn't it?

Yeah. Hello. I'm Bea. I was
a friend of your sister Clea.

I-I think we met once,
a long time ago. Oh. OK.

Yeah, I worked with Clea for
a while. We did the antiques stalls

together. I remember.
Second-hand books, wasn't it?

Do you hear from her?
Er, no. She, erm...

I mean, she... You know.

She went missing.
Yeah, of course.

Yeah, I was just...wondering
if anything had changed.

What's your name again?
Bea. Beatrice.

Do you want to...get a coffee
or something? Yeah, OK.

What's it been, five years
since she went?

Nearly seven. Oh, wow,
is it that long? Yeah.

Yeah, I guess it is.
You still doing the antiques place?

Oh, no, that place closed down
a long time ago now.

God, do you know what? I've just
remembered that Clea used to rent

a storage unit to keep
some of the extra stock in.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.
I wonder what happened to it.

I don't think there was much in it
by the end, but... Yeah,

I don't know. You'd have to
ask her partner.

He kept everything as it was.
He still thinks she's going to

walk through the front door
one of these days.

It must have been so hard for...

Oh, God.
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I've forgotten his name. Erm...

Hamish.
Of course, Hamish.

Poor Hamish. Do you have his number?
Is he still at the same place?

Why don't you give me your number?
I'll get him to give you a ring.

SHE HUMS HAPPILY

CHAIR BANGS

Morning, Olive!
Morning, Michael! You well?

Er, yeah, yeah. I'm...
I'm very good, thank you, Olive.

What ARE you up to?
That looks like hard work.

Yep. I've decided it's time
to go for the fake grass.

Fake grass?
Yep, the old Astroturf.

I swore I wouldn't,
but needs must.

Are you sure that's not carpet,
Olive? Carpet? No.

Because it looks like
it's got a pattern from here.

Has it?
Where did you get it from?

A fella came to the door.
He had it in a van.

Let's have a look.

Hmm...

Sorry, Olive, that is definitely
deep-pile carpet.

Ah, f*cking hell!

How much did you pay for it?
I'm not telling you.

It looks like it's acrylic, so you
never know, it might last a while.

At least it's green.
Exactly. At least it's green.

And...I quite like the paisley.

Hiya!

Hello.

What are you doing here?
I'm good, thanks. How are you?

Sorry. I...
I wasn't expecting you.

Well, I've come to see
your Sea-Monkeys.

It isn't really convenient.
Come on, mate, you said.

All right. Quick, come in.

Mind the, er, brambles
and the nettles.

And the barbed wire.
And the barbed wire.

Hang on.

They don't like it too bright.

Right...

It's like an opium den in here.

Or a brothel. Don't touch anything.
I wasn't going to!

Are you ready?

Ready? I don't know.
Should I be scared or summat?

No! Definitely not. They can sense
fear. It makes them freak out.

OK...

What am I looking for?

Tap on the glass gently.

Hey, that's cool.
How do you get it to do that?

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

SHOUTING: What the f*ck!
What the f*ck is that?!

Shush! Don't shout,
you're stressing him out! Please!

I am so sorry.

Kacey!

TV: And they need to get
this squeaky clean.

They don't want to be over a barrel!
Keep your voice down!

Michael, seriously,
what the f*ck was that?!

I told you, a homunculus.
That was the king one.

You've completely terrified him.

Oh, I'VE terrified HIM?
Hello, Bev!

Are the others...

..like that? Yeah. They're all
different but, yeah, similar.

OK.

OK, now I know what to expect...

Seriously, though, if you
yell again like that...

I won't. Shut up.
I'm ready. Now I'm ready.

KACEY GASPS

Oh, my God. I don't know

what I'm looking at.

Can they see me?
I don't think so.

I think they just sense
that you're there.

Are they all right?

They look f*cked.

Are they, like, people?

No. They're prophesying spirits.

This is mental.

And you can ask them questions
about the future? About anything,

once they reach a certain size.

And they will always answer
with the truth.

How does that work, then?
I don't know.

What are you going to ask them?

If Clea's ever going to come back.

What if they say no?

I'll ask if she loved me.

I just need to know...
if I can move on.

Can I ask 'em summat?

If you'll ever be in Neighbours?

What if they say no?

Well, then, I can stop hoping.

BEV GASPS

Are you hearing this?
I don't know who the hell she is.

And have you seen that oil slick
out there?

VOICE ECHOES: And he's the one
who claims to be concerned about

wildlife. There'll be albatrosses
flapping about in that

by the end of next week,
because you know as well I do

he won't be cleaning it up.

♪ I know we're older now

♪ And lost again

♪ Down at the cul-de-sac

♪ You left, my friend

♪ I put the kettle on

♪ The wise man's song for you... ♪