01x03 - Captain Crunch

[bunniefuu]

- Take a look around.
- I wanna talk to you

about this place.
- Don't you see the potential?

- Do you think it
could make some money?

- Me and your grandma
was happy here, boy.

- Didn't a whole bunch of
old people die here?

- We really loved doing the sex.

- If I had to stay here,
I would just die.

- Grandmama... [muttering]
- Baby!

- She cannot be serious.

- You just left us here.
- I was working.

- Am I missing something?
- You did spend my inheritance.

- What you gonna do about it?
- Calm down.

- Put your fists up, you little
[inaudible]. Hit me!

- Grandma.

Oh, oh, I think I
just k*lled my grandpa!

- ♪

- [sighs]

- Did... did you talk to him?

- Yeah.

- Okay, what'd he say?

- Uh, eh, uh, "Ouch."

- Ouch?

- PHILLIP: Ouch?

- LEAH: Ouch?

- Hey, uh, uh, kids, I
need to talk to your mom.

- No, no, please go on.

- No, no, no I mean,
like, I need you to leave.

- Dad, this place is creepy.

- Uh... the two of y'all
just stick together, okay?

- How about we all stick
together on our way

back to Chicago?

- Just go, go, go.

- Get your black a*s
out of here, children!

- Okay,
but if we never return...

- We shall overcome.

- What kind of
parents are y'all?

- Ooh.

Real ones. [grunting]

Now get out of here!

- We have to be adopted.

- Okay, what'd he say?

- I... I can't...
I can't believe it.

- This is fine, it's fine.

- No, no, baby,
we got a problem.

- See?

I got you 'cause I've
been doing some thinking, honey.

Look, if we clean
up this place and paint

and everything, get
those cobwebs down...

- And baby, we
can get some drapes...

- Baby.
- Not the expensive kind

'cause I know
we ain't balling like that.

- No, no, no, no, you're
not listening to me.

We gonna need more
than encouragement,

we gonna need bail!

- Why? What's going on?

- We got a problem.

- No, no, no, no, no
problems right now.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes problems right now.

- See, I was thinking
we could put an ad out

for some workers, right?

- Leah!

- Okay no, that's right
we need tenants first.

We need tenants.
We gonna get some tenants.

- Leah!
- No, you know what?

Chicken, egg, all that
little thing right there,

I got it, baby.
Okay, you right, you right.

So we just gonna...

- You are not listening to me.

- Baby, I'm listening,
but you're choking me.

You're choking me.
- Okay, my bad.

We'll save that for later.
- Okay, thank you.

- Okay. Alright, listen,
listen, listen, listen.

- Huh?
- We have a problem.

- Okay, what is it?

- I k*lled my grandpa.

I k*lled my grandpa.

I thought he was gonna
be my paul bearer

with that, with that hook.

And now I got to carry him.

- Yeah, you do.

- [wailing]

- ♪

{\an8}♪ No matter what you do,
I love you ♪

{\an8}♪ No matter where you go,
I'm behind you for sure ♪

{\an8}♪ Always remember blood
ain't never water ♪

{\an8}♪ We'll make it if
we stay together ♪♪

- ♪

- Okay, now what... what
did you say?

- I k*lled my grandpa! [wailing]

- Dad?

- Not now, son.

- Told you.

- I'mma miss y'all face
when I'm in jail, son.

Not now, not now.

- Listen, right?

- We need to talk to you.

- Go on back to where you were.

- What's wrong with him?

Are you okay?

- Look, hey, look, man,
look, this ain't the time, okay?

Y'all take y'all black
asses down there.

Somewhere, get out my face!

- Um, look at their faces,
they look worried.

- Them little money-snatchers
always look like that.

- Excuse me?

- You guys are
parents of the year.

- Do you wanna see another year?

I'mma kick your a*s!

- He's turning into Grandpa.

- You see his hands,
the hook coming.

- It's this place,
it's doing something.

- Look, you're gonna
wanna hear this.

- Okay, what is it? What is it?
- Go and tell them.

- What? You tell 'em.
- No, you tell them.

- Hey, hey! Somebody tell me.

- The car is...
the car is outta gas.

- Boy, that ain't an emergency!

I'm talking about
prison, he talking about

running out of gas. - Yup.

- Hey, uh, do you know what
he's talking about?

- Prison? Prison?
- He's not okay.

- His eye's doing that thing.

Look at Mom.
- Okay look, we just...

- Oh, he twitching.
- Oh, twitch, twitch.

- Stop it, okay?
We just put gas in the car.

- That was until your
daughter got in the car

to charge her phone
with the AC on.

- It's hot in Georgia,
what are you talking about?

- It was the only
place with reception.

- And now we're stuck here.

- Is it completely out of gas?

- It's on D.

- What?

- That's lower than E.

- Okay, [stuttering]
okay, alright.

We'll get some more
gas, it's fine.

- From where?

- You know what?
It was a gas station about...

Baby, where was the gas station?

- I don't know,
this ain't the time

to be asking about gas.

We talking about prison.

- I think it was
about five miles back.

Okay, yup, and so then
we can get a gas can

and you and your
lovely sister here

can walk and get it.

- Walk?

Do you see these hills?

- Girl, do you see
the look on my face?

- It's the look again,
it's the look, same look.

Not cramps, the other one.

- We can take Uber.

- Oh, okay, you smart now, huh?

- Listen, I will
get the gas, okay?

Please, just get the
hell out of here, please.

Go.

- Crazy eyes wants us to go.

- Yeah.

- Stay calm.

- I k*lled him, I k*lled him.
- No, no, no, calm down.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Baby, calm down.

Yup, breathe.

Smell the roses.

Blow out the candles.

- Baby, I smell weed.

And I'm blowing out my Grandpa.

Did you not hear me?

- Baby, okay look.

So, I know you jump
to conclusions, a lot.

[chuckling]

- JEREMY: What do you mean?

- [laughing]

Baby, you said you
k*lled your grandpa.

[laughing]

- Yes, I did.

And why are you laughing?

- You did not k*ll him.

- Yo, it's not funny.
Yes, I did.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- You think I'm kidding.

- How?

- We were boxing.

- Jeremy.

- It wasn't my idea.

- You were boxing him?

- He stepped to me,
I had to defend myself.

- The man is 87 years old.

- I don't care,
I knocked his a*s out.

- Jeremy!

- No, he started hooking
me and hitting me.

- And you hit him back.

- Yes.

- Yes. And he has brittle bones.

- And when he hit the
floor I heard all of 'em.

Crunch.

- Crunch?

- Yes, crunch.

- But wh... what... what
do you mean crunch?

- Crunch, like the Captain.

Or like them three little
elves: Snap, Crackle, and Pop.

- Where is he?

- In hell.

- Where is his body?

- In his room.

- Did you check on him?

- I couldn't.

- Why not, baby?

- 'Cause he flew over the couch.

- What the hell?

You hit that old man that hard?

- He hit me that hard.

You know your man ain't no punk.

- That is your grandpa, Jeremy.

- [sighs] He dead, I know.

- Baby, I'm sure he's fine.

- No, you didn't
hear them bones.

- When he hit the
floor, it was like,

they were like in a...
in a sack just rattling.

I believe his jogging
suit was the only thing

holding him together.

- I'll go check on him.

- No, baby, no, baby!
We need to get out of here.

Come on, let's go.

- We are going to check
on your grandfather.

- [stuttering]
Look, we'll tell everybody

he died on his own,
natural causes.

- What if he's hurt?

- He'll die eventually.

- That's cold.

You know when old people
die they can't get up,

they be laying on the
floor for hours in pain,

trying to call the alert thing.

- He got one of them bracelets.
Come on, let's run for it.

- How is he gonna
press it with his hook?

- He can use his tongue.

My grandmother said
he was a savage.

- Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, okay, no,

we're going to check on him.

We cannot leave your
grandfather here.

Come on!

- Baby, baby, baby,
this is elderly abuse.

- I know.

- I can go to jail.

- I know.

- So let's go, come on.

- No!

I'm not doing this with you.

And it ain't no gas in the car.

- Come on baby,
let's go check on him.

- He's dead, he's dead,
I know it.

- He gonna be alive.

Come on, come on, you can do it.

- I don't wanna go, baby.

- Come on.

- Wait, do you have reception?

- No, I'm playing a game.

- Wow.

- What?

- You should check
out the fridge.

- What is it?

- Nothing but prune juice
and things like that.

- Applesauce?

- SANDRA: Mm-hmm.

- Old people food.

- I mean, this is crazy.

- It is.

- What are we doing here?

- We are children
of the wrong parents.

- Wait.
- What?

- Why was mom talking
about drapes and paint.

- I don't know, she always
talks about drapes and paint.

And Dad.

He always gets on her nerves.

I don't know she's
telling us that.

- Do you think that they're
thinking of staying here?

There's no way.

- No, no, no, you
don't understand!

- Sandra, calm down.
- No, no.

What am I gonna do
without civilization?!

- You are so, so dramatic.

- We can't let them do this.

- Do what?

[panting]
I think... I think... I think...

[stuttering]

I think they're
thinking of moving here.

- Okay, they would never.

- No, no, look,
Dad lost his job.

- And?

- That is the whole
reason why we're here.

- Here we go.

- No, no, we have to stop them.

- No one said that.

- They're gonna move us
out of school

and we'll have to
go to school here

with the... the... the... the locals.

- Will you stop it?

- And we'll have
to hang out here.

And have local friends.

- This is just not happening.

- And no more time
with you and Rhonda.

- Wait, what?

- Mm-hmm, that's what I thought.

Okay, this cannot happen!

[stutters]
We have to do something.

- I know.

- Um, but are we sure they're
thinking about this?

- I know Mom.

- Yeah, and I know Dad.

- So?

- Oh. [crying]

You might be right.

- Then we have to do
all we can to make sure

this doesn't happen.

- I'm in.
- Okay.

So, what's the plan?

- You're telling me you
came up with all this

and you don't have a plan?

- Look, all I know is that
I'm not staying in a city

without reception.

I mean, who would do
that, Harriet Tubman?

- I'm pretty sure
there wasn't Internet

during that time.

- Whatever, I'm not doing it.

- Okay, okay,
let's just calm down.

- How can we look at this?

- Let's just stay
calm until we know

what they're thinking.

- Okay.

But we never know
what they're thinking!

- They think old.

We can't think that old.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

- I mean, they were born
with rotary dial phones,

whatever that is.

- Ro... ro... rotary?
- That's what I said.

- Okay.

- You know what we'll do?

We'll run away.

- In what?

- In the car.

You can drive.

- You used up all
the gas, remember?

- Oh, dilemma.

- Yeah.

- I can't think of everything.

Do something!

- Uh... uh...

There was a horse. Walking.

- Do I look like
Stagecoach Annie?

- Yes.

- Really? Was she cute?

So you compare
me to ugly people?

- Will you just stop it?

- No, no, this is where
old people go to die.

And the dreams of us,
the dreams of the young

and the hopeful,
they're crushed...

- Okay, okay, okay,
can you just stop? Can you stop?

- No, no, look at me, I'm
getting bags under my eyes.

- How do you know that?
You don't have a mirror.

- I can feel it forming.

- Yeah, you've always had those.

- Oh great, now I need
botox and a face lift.

- Okay, that's good.

- We have to get out of here.

We have to!

Come on, help me
think of something!

You're just sitting
there playing your game.

- Okay, you're starting
to sound crazy like Dad.

- I know what I'll do.

- And what is that?

- I'm going to...

I don't know what I'm gonna do!

- I'm telling you,
the best thing to do

is just stay calm.

- You right, you right.

'Cause our parents
are always upset.

Maybe we can make
them get into a fight.

- And what is that solving?

- You know, then
they'll get a divorce.

Well, you can stay here
and I'll go back home.

- That is just
causing more problems.

- If it gets me out of here,
I really don't care.

- Now I see why our
parents don't like us.

- Speak for yourself,
Mom loves me.

- [laughing]
Have you met our mother?

- Well, what does
Dad think about you?

- You... he... he's made that clear,
you got me.

- Mm-hmm.

'Cause I always win.

- ♪

- JEREMY: [whimpering]

- Well, where... where...
Where is he?

- Baby, I can't, I can't.

- [stuttering]
Where was he last?

- He was over there.

- Open your eyes.

- No!

- Jeremy, open your eyes.

Where is he?

- He was over there somewhere.

- Over where, baby?
Where was he?

- Baby, he was behind
the couch, I don't know.

- LEAH: Okay.

- Boy, you cutting off
my damn circulation!

- Is he dead?

- Jeremy.

- Baby, baby, you
don't understand,

my life is flashing
before my eyes right now.

- [stuttering] Jeremy, stop.

- Baby, baby, listen.

Put money on my books, okay?

- Will you stop it?

- Nah, baby, nah, I don't
wanna get turned out in there.

Come on, you know
my a*s is tiny.

- I know, but they don't
want it baby, it's okay.

I got you.

- Baby, I'mma wait for you.

- Thank you, got it.

- Will you wait for me?

I mean, if you can't,
I understand, okay?

Alright?
But just, please, just...

Just remember me, okay?
Alright? Look.

- Yes.
- I'm gonna remember you, okay?

If you gotta get
married again, that's okay.

Okay, but just...
Wait, wait, remember me.

And if you do get married,
make sure he pay off

my credit card bills.

- Baby, we have joint
credit cards, okay?

- I forgot you don't
know about that one

I use at the strip club, ooh,
that sh*t high as hell.

They got this girl
named Strawberry, and damn!

- You know what?

I'mma smack you if
you don't let me go.

- Is he dead?

- Well...

- Ugh, I knew it!

[wailing]

He went off to God!

[wailing]

- I'm sure he's fine.

- [whimpering]

- Now you know your grandpa
would not be going to God.

- Yeah, you're right.

So where is he?

- Uh, wait.

- So how'd he get up?

- He can't be dead if he got up.

- Jesus did it.

- He definitely ain't Jesus.

- Well, where is he?

- I... I... I... I don't know, baby.

- Mom, Dad.
- Not now.

- No, you're gonna
wanna come and see this.

- What is it?

- It's Grandpa,
he's calling the police.

- What?

- He said he's elderly
and being abused.

- What?

- You hear this?

- See? I told you
we should have left.

- ♪

- [air whooshing]