01x02 - A Talk with Pa

[bunniefuu]

- What is this place?

- This sh*t is tore up!

- You said your
grandfather lives here?

- Yeah.

- When was the last time
you came to visit him?

- MAN: [yelling]

That'd be two years, four
hours and three days.

Hook me, son.

Don't tell nobody but I
grow weed in the backyard.

- Please, I want
the owner arrested.

- I'm the owner.

- How?

- I bought the place.

With, uh, what would have
been your inheritance.

- If we move in here we
could make some money, baby.

- Tell grandpa.
- Ooh, no!

- Grandpa, Leah got
something she wanna tell you.

- ♪

- Baby.

- What?

- Go tell the kids.

- You go tell the kids!

- Baby.

- No, no, no, baby, I can't.

I cannot take it.

I can't take the disppointed
look on they faces.

- Don't try to act
like you like the kids.

- Don't do that,
that's not funny.

- They'll be fine.

- Will they?

- Yeah, it's beautiful...

Hell, they'll make new friends.

- Will they?

We can save a lot of money.

- Yeah, and so they
can go to school.

- Right, right.

- So, go talk to 'em.

- I'm not doing this
with you today, Jeremy.

- Leah.

- I'm not talking to the kids
about this, I can't do that.

- Okay, alright, look,
I'm going to talk to Grandpa.

Okay?

- He went that way, baby.

- Baby, that's an abyss
down there.

- Oh.

- What if I get lost?

- Ooh, that'd be great.

Ooh, guess what?

And then I get your inheritance.

Hey.

- [chuckling]

You ain't in my will.

- [gasps]

- I better be.

Who gonna take
care of your kids?

- I'll be dead, it don't matter.

- Okay baby, I'mma wait
right here for you.

- Okay.
- LEAH: I'll be right here.

- Alright.
- LEAH: I'm not leaving.

I'm itching.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[cries] Baby!

- ♪

{\an8}♪ No matter
what you do, I love you ♪

{\an8} ♪ No matter where you go

{\an8} ♪ I'm behind you for sure

{\an8}♪ Always remember, blood
ain't never water ♪

{\an8}♪ We'll make it if
we stay together ♪

- Okay, maybe I
can, like, decorate,

clean up a little bit.

- Oh my gosh, what is that?

Skin?

[blowing]

Alright, okay, okay, alright.

"The assasination of
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr."

Why does he have that?

- Can we go now?

- Sandra.

- No, I have been
offline for over an hour.

- You will be fine.

- You don't understand.

- Yes, I do.

- How could you
understand, you're old?

- Oh, no.

- She moving towards me?

- About to.

- I'ma just move over here.

- Smart.

- I'm sorry, Mom.

- Keep it up.
- I really am.

- Mm-hmm. We are here to
see your grandfather, okay?

- Well, didn't we see him?

- We need to spend a
little more time with him.

- Yeah, 'cause every
minute's like an hour

'cause he doesn't
have many days left.

- [laughing]

- Phillip, that wasn't nice.

- I'm just saying,
you've seen him.

- [chuckles]

- Would you stop it?
I mean that, boy.

- Okay, I'm sorry for
telling the truth.

- Ha, ha, ha.

See, okay, alright,
y'all keep it up.

Y'all gonna be his age one day.

- Oh, oh, so is that
what this is all about?

- What do you mean?

- Oh. [chuckles]

She's worried that we're
gonna put her and Dad

in a place like this
in a couple years.

- Couple years. [chuckling]

Okay, little girl.

- Mm-hmm. Oh,
but don't worry Mom,

you're gonna love it.

- You know what?

I was thinking about putting
you in a place like this.

- A lot sooner.

- What does that mean?

- You gonna find out.

- I think she's threatening
us with boarding school.

- At least there'll
be reception.

- You're right.

- So, what do you all
think of this place?

- What do you mean?

- Ya know, this place.
[giggles] Look around.

- It's sad and it smells too.

- No!

I mean, you know,
we could just clean up.

- What do you mean, "We"?

- Uh.

- You and her.

- You know, we could
put some paint up here

and get rid of these cobwebs.

- PHILLIP: What is she doing?
- This carpet...

Ooh, I like that
bookcase over there.

- I don't know,
but I don't like it.

- Yeah, she needs
to stop watching

those decorating shows.

- You know, that
is what does it.

- Yeah, yeah, HGTV.

- Mm-hmm.

- Remember what she did
to my room last year?

- Oh, my God.

- It was awful.
- It was awful!

- You know what else is awful?

- What you're gonna do
to us if we keep talking?

- Yes, my kids are smart.

So, look, don't you see
the potential in this place?

- Yeah.

And I would love to
see the potential

from the rearview mirror.

- Oh, kids, come on.

I mean, you know, like,
don't you wanna spend

just a little more time here?

- We spent enough
time here, okay.

- Right, and I'm
here with the loser.

- You're the loser.

- Your mama!

- What?

- Is she coming near me?

- About to.

- I did not... I didn't mean that.

- Yes, he did.

- Force of habit.

- Ah-ha!

So you be talking about me?

- No, no, no, that's
not what I meant.

It's like...

- PHILLIP: You... you know,
the kids at school,

they be like, "Your mama fat."

And then I be like, "No,
no, no, your mama so ugly."

I be like "my mama so ugly but
your mama ugly."

Be like, "Your mama ugly."

You know what I mean.

- Nah, I don't
know what you mean.

Explain.

- Mom, you're not that old.

I mean, you know
"Your mama" jokes.

- I got a joke for...
- Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait!

- I'm sorry.

- Yeah, you keep
saying you're sorry.

- I mean, you know how kids are.

We're just...

- Just what?

- Silly.

- Okay, silly.

[laughing]

You know what, but I
really think that we should

look at this place.

Take a look around.

You don't like it?

- Hey, y'all seen my Grandpa?

- You can't find him, baby?

- Nah.

- Okay, let's leave a note.

- Where was his room?

- Somewhere back there.

Just follow the sound
of the loud farts.

- I'mma check this side.

- LEAH: Okay, baby.

- Hey, baby.

- Hmm?

- This place is huge.

- Is it?

- Yes, yes, a lot of rooms.

- Well that's good.

- Guess what, guess what?
We can make a lot of money.

- Okay. Okay.

- Well, that's good for Grandpa.

- Yeah, it is. [chuckling]

- And good for us when we leave.

- Well...

- What?

- Uh, what y'all think
about staying here

just a little bit longer?

- Mom.

- Yes?

- Are you trying to k*ll me?

- LEAH: [stuttering]

- No, no, yes, you are.

- Only sometimes.

- Mom.

Stay here for how long?

- Never mind.

- Good, because if I had to
stay here, I would just die.

- Good thing there's a
graveyard across the street.

- LEAH: Baby?

- She cannot be serious!

- I think she is.

She had that serious
look on her face.

- No, that was the cramps look.
Tell me it's her cramps look!

- I don't, I don't think
it was her cramps look.

The cramps look look like this.

She did more like...

Not...

- You might be right,
you might be right.

- ♪

- Nasty.

[laughing]

Nastier.

Ooh, that's real
damn nasty there.

Ooh, it's nastier this way!

[chuckling]

Ah, n... Ooh, scratch and sniff,
look at that.

- [knocking]

- Who the hell is it?

- JEREMY: It's me, Grandpa.

- Nobody home.

- JEREMY: Can you
open the door, please?

- Come on in.

- Hey.

- And who the hell are you?

- What are you talking about?
I'm your grandson.

- Well, what the hell
are yo doing here?

- Grandpa, we been here.

Don't you remember?
I saw you earlier.

- Oh, man, I thought
that was three days ago.

- I have got to stop
smoking my own sh*t.

- Grandpa, I got a
huge question for you.

- What's that?

- You left handed
or right handed?

- [bleep] how many
hands do you see?

- How do you roll a joint?

- Very slowly.

Now what in the
hell do you want?

- What do you mean?

- Just what I said.

- You don't remember
us coming to see you?

- Boy, let me tell
you something.

My mind is as tight as them
damn jeans you have on.

- They ain't that tight.

- Yes they are.

- They're called
skinny jeans, Pop.

Well they should be called
blood pressure jeans

'cause I can see
what the hell you working with.

Or b*tch-a*s jeans
'cause I see a camel toe.

- Them, them my [bleep], man.

- You got two?

- Grandpa.

- I only got one.

I was wiping too hard one day.

Boy, I'll tell you about it,
I'm just guessing,

but your wife got to
be very unsatisfied.

Yeah, you better watch it
'cause that'll make 'em cheat.

I ain't never had
a woman cheat on me and Tyrone.

- Who is Tyrone?

- Mm, you don't need to see him.

Stand back, I'll show you.

- Will you stop it?

- That's what she said.

- You cannot be kin to me.

- Well, I am.

- Well, it's been
established on the top half.

But I don't know about
that bottom half.

- I am part mule.

[neighing]

- Look, man, I have something
I wanna talk to you about.

Will you stop?

- Oh, excuse me, you come in
here for some serious sh*t.

Now, why don't you go on home?

Go out that door
and hook a left.

- I wanna talk to
you about this place.

- What about it?

- I mean, do you think
you can make some money?

- You mean, opening
back up as a facility?

Hell no!

I was gonna turn
it into a wh*re house.

But I was gonna only
work with old hoes.

Bring all them hoes
out of retirement.

Sometimes when a hoe
reach a certain age,

don't nobody wanna
mess with them no more.

So that's why I'mma
call it "The Old Hoe House."

Nah, I'm just BS-ing you boy.

Me and your grandma was happy.

Boy, before it got all, you
know, disorganized it was,

the place was beautiful.

- Okay.

- Oh man, the staff was amazing.

- Ah, good, I like that.

- The place was much cleaner
and everything was great.

- Good, good, good.

- We had a little STD
problem round here but...

- Everybody didn't get it.

- What about you?

- Nah, I took some
shots in the a*s

and that cleared it up.

- Alright.

- Don't tell your grandma.

- She's dead, Pop.
Is that how she died?

- No, she died 'cause the dude
who stole her all the time

stole her medicine.

- But it used to be
really great in here

before all that happened.

- Okay, that's good to
hear, that's good to hear.

- But you know what
we really loved

back in the day?

- JEREMY: What's that?

- Boy, I'mma tell you
what we really loved.

Ooh, doing the sexy, nasty,
boy, your grandmama. [chuckles]

- Hey, hey.

- No, I'm telling you boy,
your grandmama, before...

- Hey, man!

- Her legs was loose,
ain't nothing like old [bleep]

with brand new hips.

- Come on, Pop.
I'm not trying to hear that.

- No, boy, let me tell you, man.

- Nah man, don't tell me.

- Wobbly. [muttering]

- Stop it, man.

- But you can't spank that a*s,
especially with the hook.

But she really loved you.

- Well, thank you.

- I remember when y'all
would get together,

she would kiss you
every time she saw you.

- Right on the lips.

- Yeah, but...

- But what?

- [chuckles]

If you knew where
them lips had been.

- Come on, man.

- Oh, my God.
They was all over me.

- Hey, don't nobody
wanna hear that.

- Man, them lips!

- Would you stop it?

- And them false hips!

- I'm gonna walk right out
of here if you don't stop it.

- Okay, see the problem is
you don't get it, do you?

- What?

- That's what
I'm trying to get you to do.

- Look, come on. Pop.
Man, I love you.

- Take your lying
a*s back to Chicago

and them b*stards...
Not your wife, I like her.

She cool.

She good people.

She got a nice a*s.

Can't help me from looking.
- You ain't lying.

But look, man, that's what
I'm trying to talk to you about.

- Boy, you just left us here.

- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did!
- I was working.

- Yeah, well, you know,
you went up there

and you lost your job.

- Yeah, but that
wasn't my fault.

- Why is the [bleep] in
the unemployment office

always trying to
blame everybody else?

It's always the man.

- Okay, look,
what are you doing?

- [bleep]!

How many times I gotta say it?

I'm trying to get you to leave.

Follow instructions:
go out the door, hook a left.

- Grandpa, I love you, man.

- Bullshit, bullshit,
bullshit, bullshit.

- I love you and I love Grandma.

- No, you don't.

- Yes, I do.

- You know what?

You can keep your little
"I love you, I love you,

I love Grandma."

But you know what?
Your inheritance has been spent.

- Yeah, I know that.

- You know what?
And look around, this it.

- I have been.

- Been what?

- Looking around.

- And?

- This place,
[bleep] is in bad shape.

- Don't worry about it,
I'll fix it up.

- How?

- I got some favors
I can call in.

You know, Earl, he got,
he missing one hand too, so...

And then Johnny, he got diabetes

but he can work a half a day.

And, and his wife,
she can lift stuff.

So we got it covered.

- I remember her.

- Yeah, she's real good
for hanging wallpaper.

- Grandpa, to finish this
place, 80-year-old men

couldn't do it.

- It's gonna be a bunch
of 80-year-old men in here,

don't worry about it.
It won't be one.

- Well, I am.

- Why?

- Hello.

- [grunts]

- Are you trying to get up?

- Uh, duh!

- Wait a minute,
am I missing something?

- Well, you did spend
my inheritance on it.

- Yes I did, and what
you gonna do about it?

- Hey, hold up.
- Whoa.

- Calm down, calm down.

- Whoa, boy, don't walk
up on me like that.

Don't let the hook fool you
'cause I'll whoop your a*s.

- Hey, Grandpa, stop
before you hurt yourself.

- No, no, I'm not
gonna hurt myself.

I'm gonna hurt you.

- Grandpa, will you sit down?

- No, I'm gonna be standing up

over your knocked-out-a*s body!

- Why are you
getting so hostile?

- [bleep], you making me
[bleep] hostile,

and this medication too!

- Okay, aight, alright,
I see how this gonna go.

- Oh, I know how it's gonna go.

Your a*s on the floor,
that's where it's gonna go.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- You think so?
- I know so.

- Did you know before I lost
my hand I was a boxer?

- Yeah, when you was in th Navy.

- They don't have
a one hand division,

but I could have done it.

- That was a long-a*s time ago.

- I can still take you on.

- I know, I know.

- No, you don't!

- No, I do.

- No, you, you, you, you, you,
you think I'm playing,

don't you?

- Now stop it.

- No, no, no,
no, no don't sit down!

Get up!

- Will you stop it?

- ♪

- Get your a*s
up, I'll show you!

- [sighs]

Grandpa. - VINNY: What?

- Stop playing before
you hurt yourself, man.

- Oh, I'm not gonna hurt myself.
I'mma hurt you.

And you know what else I'mma do?

I'mma whip your a*s
for doubting me.

- Where the hell is all this
coming from, man? Stop it.

- It's coming from in here!

- Look, let me
tell you something.

If you hit me,
I'mma hit you back.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

- Okay.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

If you do... boy,
I wish you would!

- Would you stop it? Sit down.

- I'm not sitting down.

Come on! - I said, stop it.

- No, come on!

Does that hurt?

- No, it didn't hurt.

You hurt your hand, didn't you?

- Shoulda hit you with the hook.

- That hook gonna
get your a*s whooped, Grandpa.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Really? Does that hurt?

- That one hurt a little bit.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Look man, stop.

- Come on!

- Grandpa.

- No, come on, boy!

Put your fists up,
you little b*tch!

I'll fight you with one
hook behind my back.

Come on, hit me, hit me, hit me!

- Grandma.

Oh, oh, I think I
just k*lled my grandpa!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

♪♪

♪♪