01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Ian!

Ian!

Is that you, playing silly
buggers downstairs?

Ian!

Hello, Jimmy.

Remember me?

Aahhhh-ummmmhhh.

You k*lled my dad.

Yeah, you might need to
narrow it down a bit.

Okay. How's this?

His name

was Bill Nokes.

Was he like, this little fellow?

Oh, for God sake.

Don't shout at me. I'm trying to remember.
I'm getting old.

Do you have like picture
of him or something?

Well, not on me, no.

I wasn't exactly planning
on doing this tonight.

I've got one in the car.

Do you want to go and get it?

No. C'mon think.

Bill Noakes.

The thing is

it might be easier for
you to exact your revenge

if you weren't standing

- on a trap door.

Idiot!

Who's got a trap
door in their house?

Anyway, you're a plank.

I do.

Where the f*ck is she at?

f*cking unbelievable.

She's only little.

Gottcha!

Now, if I was you

I would you mind my step, treacle.

Thanks, honey. Why don't you
mind yours?

I'm the one walking forwards and
you're the one walking backwards.

Why would I need
to mind my step?

So, no one ever fallen
walking forward then, have they?

Kinda unlikely in this kinda situation.

OK yes, it's highly unlikely but I'm
saying stranger things have happened.

You watch your step.

You watch YOUR step.
God! You are annoying.

Now, your going to back off.

Look, I don't want blood everywhere.

I've just done sh*t loads of decorating.

It's nice.

Thank you.

What do you say that you and I

have ourselves a little tumble.

I can't stand knives.

Ehhh?

To the death though?

Right?

Yes! To the f*cking death.

Jesus!

Thought it might get a
bit grim, that's all.

You now, hand-to-hand.

Maybe that's why
they call me.

The Grim Reaper.

Maybe you're about to
reap what you sow.

That's a very nice exchange.
I like that.

Yeah, it felt organic.

It did, didn't it?

Ohhh!

We'll go on then.

Put your g*n down.

You, put your g*n down.

[whispering] No, you put your g*n down.

How about we put them
down together, nice...

...nice and slow?

So Beth looks up.

Fixes me square in the
eye and says, Jay

you have got the most
gorgeous ba*ls.

Oh f*ck off.

She did bro. I swear.
No such thing as gorgeous ba*ls.

OK. Mine are disgusting.

I'm just going to
put that out there.

I have repulsive ba*ls.

Of course you do.

All ba*ls are disgusting.

They are the kind of ba*ls that only
your mother could find gorgeous.

I agree with you.
Mine are horrible.

Uhhhh!

Ahhhh. f*cking Hell!

I bet even David Beckham
hasn't got gorgeous ba*ls

and his ba*ls are golden.

Oh, yeah. No one is doubting the

golden hue of a
Beckham Bollocks, but

that's where the aesthetic beauty of
them come to a swift end.

You know what I mean?

She said it though man.

No, she's lying.

Ah no, Beth never lies.

She's like a priest.

She has Shakira's hips

Exactly.

But that's how I knew
we were going to

spend the rest of
our lives together.

What?

I'm going to ask
her to marry me.

You think it's a
bad idea, don't you?

I guess the only thing
is, it's been six months.

Yeah, but it's like Dad used to
say when you know, you know.

Yeah, but you think you know
things but you don't know.

It's kind of like your thing.

Yeah, but I'm not saying I think I know.

I'm saying I know I know.
And when you know, you

know certain... you you just
know it, innit?

No because the second piece
of knowledge relies on

the first one being
factually accurate, which

I'm saying might not be.

Mate, just because you've been dumped.
It doesn't mean

the rest of us have to be
f*cking miserable. Does it?

Kid has been a long time.

Yeah.

Well...

I hate to break it
to you kid, but

she thinks it's the
end of the world

and she's run off
to some rich geezers

house in the middle
of the night.

What do you think's happening?

She's blatantly in there right now just
throwing some guy around

the bed like his
last night alive.

You k*lled my dad.

You've made your bed.

Now you're going to die.

Please, do not tell me you dragged
me all the way up

the stairs just to say that.

Yes.

It's f*cking terrible.

Shut up.

I am

sorry about

k*lling Phil.

Bill.

sh*t! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

It feels like you're doing
this on purpose now.

I swear to God. I'm not. I'm not.

I watched him bleed to
death on the floor.

Your mistake was leaving
me alive that night.

You shouldn't have
done that.

Ohhh

Oh, I remember you.

You are little Miss Penguin, ain’t yah?

I always wondered
what happened to you.

Yes, well

now you know.

It was a bit mean of you to k*ll
that geezer outside - you know Ian.

What did he do?

It's moot point
though, isn't it?

We're all dead anyway.

Put the news on.

See for yourself.

In other news the
world biscuit eating

championships got off to
a fantastic start today.

I don't understand.

I think you'll find it's the
highest amount of biscuits

consumed within an
allocated time frame.

Why is no one speaking about it?

f*ck!

You stabbed me!

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I meant to k*ll you.

You stabbed me while
my back was turned.

That is so.

Rude!

Come on, then.

f*ck!!!

Kim?

Kim!

I'm going out there again.

Don't stab me.

Or sh**t me.

I'm serious.

I promise.
I promise.

Kim where are you?

Up here.

Hey Kim.

Did you lie to me tonight

about the end of the world?

I..I... won.... nah. I
mean I wouldn't say..

it wasn't exactly..

Nicky!

Did you lie to me?

That is so rude.

I was about to tell you

but you just run out
of there so quickly.

But it's okay, right?

I mean, it's not
like anyone died.

Kim!

Kim?

Tell.......

..... Joe.

Who's Joe?

Tell Joe

Tell him what?

Who's Joe?

Is he dead?

Check his pulse.

Is he dead?

There's some of his
brain on the table.

Well, how much?

You want me to tell you how much
of his brain is on the table?

Yes, Jay. If it is not too
much trouble, I would

like you to inform me how
much of his brain...

I think any amount of brain
is too much brain, isn't it?

I'm sorry. I forgot you're a f*cking
brain surgeon. When did that happen?

Was it before or after you got promoted
to the supermarket deli counter?

It's a bit much, mate.

This is getting
personal and sh*t.

I was going to ask you to
be my best man as well.

Why are you still
talking about weddings

when there's two
dead people?

It's the fish counter anyway.

Jerk!

Kim!

Where have you been?
Are you okay?

What's happening?

Who are they
Why they attacking you?

Oh God, you're in shock.

She's in shock.

Should we get some frozen peas?

Let's get some frozen peas.
Okay...Ummmm

Jay. Google the recovery position.

We need to leave bro.

Please please.
These are great.

These will help. Just
okay, just hold everything.

Okay. I'll tell you
what, I just.... just

Okay.

Ehhhmm. I'm going to call
the police right now.

Is there anything you need
to tell me before I do?

Anything at all?

Okay.

What can I get you darling?

Coffee, please?

What sort?

You pick.

She doesn't look so dangerous
on the end there.

Tell that to my husband.
Isn't that right, Carl?

She caught me with a
sucker punch Mandy.

How many times?

If she comes in again, I'll put her
smarmy little head through the window.

And which window would that be

my good man?

There you go, my darling.

All sorted.

Okay, this is
f*cked up man.

We need to call
the police right now.

Also, bro. Seriously,
you look f*cking ridiculous.

I know. I know. I just need to speak to Kim
first and find out what's really going on.

What's really going on, is we're
trapped in a house with

some weirdo, who's
clearly out of her mind.

All right easy
with the judging.

Ever heard of moral relativism?

Obviously not, no.

She is not out of her mind,
is she?

She's just

out of her context.
That's all.

She's not a weirdo.
She needs our help.

She's probably just as
scared as we are.

I think she's
perfectly nice.

Right. We've only got an hour
before we've got company.

We don't want his th*gs to know
we've been here.

So we'll take Ian's
body with us.

Make it look like he k*lled
Jimmy, and fled the scene.

He will be easier to
move in smaller pieces.

Happy?

What the..?

What...
The thing is...

You got a better plan?

Not necessarily..
..better.

But ummm, we were just thinking,
ahh maybe call the Police

calmly explain what happened?

No, what happened Nicky, is 15
years ago that man

k*lled my dad in
front of me.

I was six years old.

I'm so sorry.

He ruined my life.

And now he's dead.

Yeah, except

he threw himself
off the balcony.

You didn't do that Kim.

And look at this guy.

Oh my God,

Have you seen
the g*ns upstairs?

I mean... we'll say
it was self-defense.

It was really

Of course

you're right.

You should call
the police.

Tell them exactly
what happened.

All I ask is that you give
me one hour to disappear.

Can you do that for me?

Disappear? Like...
..for good?

Just tell them I
knocked you unconscious.

Uhhhaahhhh...Ah okay then. Sure.

But...
I'm still mad at you.

And this is just for my list

because I don't know when I'll get
another chance.

Have a nice life.

Ohhh!!!
f*ck my life!!!

I get the frozen peas.

He's lost a lot of blood,

we need to get him to the
hospital or he's going to die.

Kim.

So not being funny, but

am I the only
one that's thinking?

You know.

Let nature take its
course and all that.

Jay!

He's a f*cking n*zi gangster.

He'll do the same to us.

I'm not actually.

I got a tattoo
when I was 16.

Confused...
insecure...

trying to fit in with the crowd.

It's a young man's
game, isn't it?

Being a n*zi?

Yeah.

You get older and
you realise that

everyone's just trying
to muddle along.

The cruel world is the problem
not the people in it.

I made mistakes
in my life.

I'm happy with the
person I've become.

I will say that with
my hand on my heart.

God! He's a sweetheart.

If we help this guy, we're
all going to prison for this.

You know that don't you?

if it comes to it.
I take the blame.

I promise you that.

But saving Ian is the
right thing to do.

Okay, you call the hospital
and let them know that

we're coming. I'll dash to
the car quickly and

get it all set up for Ian.

Shocking!

Kar-dash-Ian

Kim Kar-dash-Ian

Okay, we're in a rush so don't
worry but remind me remind me to

explain that to you
later. Because that's

probably the best thing
I've said in like...ever.

Sorry.
What do you mean later?

Oh, I just thought, because
of the whole, you know.

I told you, that kiss
was for my list.

Just like everything else was
supposed to be.

I was so excited.

And then you lied to me
didn't you?

Now it's all ruined.

I just think a bit of
moral relativism would...

I'm glad we met.

I really am.

But, when you lie to someone you
squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube.

You can't put it
back in again.

Now, hang on son...

Just wait...

In that room through there

there's 500 grand in cash
hidden in the fireplace.

It's plenty more where
that came from.

Just...

Don't k*ll me,
please.

This was to make
you more comfortable, Ian.

Oh, I thought you were going
to smother me to death.

Noooo.

Ohhh...

Thank you.

No.
Not having it now.

Where you going?

Where do you think?

I was only joking about the Mon..

Oh.

Shittity sh*t.

Hello darling.

I don't understand why you need to
brush your teeth now

anyway kid. I'm kind of
in the middle of some

serious sh*t.

What no Jay.
It's a metaphor.

It means you can't undo
something once you've done it.

Like... you can't tell
a lie and then...

Oiii - You two, come and
have a look at this.

Quick!

Whoa. Whoa what are you doing?

Whoa...put it back man?

f*ck off!

We just need to get
Ian to the hospital and our

story straight to the police.
That is it.

Okay, and what if we go to the police and
Kim blames it on us.

She's not going to
do that, is she?

GUYS!

How do you know?

Because honesty is
like her thing.

Bro, you don't even know her.

I know her well enough.
All right.

GUYS!

YES IAN?

Jeeezzz!

A little moaner, ain't he?

What do you want man?

Is she supposed to take me
to the hospital?

Kim!