Love at First Spite (2025)

[bunniefuu]

[LAUGHTER]

[THUNDERSTORM]

[PUPPY WHIMPERS]

Shhh!

[SOFT WHIMPER]

[SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[FAIRY-TALE MUSIC]

[DEWEY, NARRATING]

Never was.

Never was there...

Never was there a tale

Never was there a tale of such

love and devotion.

Multiplied. Doublified.

Squared to the second power

and so on.

This is the tale of not one love

but two.

[SCORE PLAYS]

What qualities of the chivalrous

do we still possess?

I made a list

and you're about to hear it.

Kind, tall, well-groomed,

relentlessly sexual.

A steady income

from a steady job

and a steady relationship

with the most amazing homegrown

Pennsylvania gal to ever share

a work cubicle with me.

Unsuspecting.

Resourceful.

Three months vegan

just for the occasion.

Detail orientated

and punctual.

6:00. I haven't missed it.

Kate Fisher, you're the upper

management to my pitch deck.

The bottom line

to my actionable items.

Having you as a coworker

these last four years has been...

The most amazing

four years of my life.

And I would love...

STEVE No. No, she's not going

to say yes to a snoozer like that.

Spice it up or else we're

all going to die of boredom.

Oh my God, Dad, this whole thing

is her idea, all right?

Then what's the problem?

It's no problem. She just has this

thing where practice makes proposal.

I read that in a

magazine somewhere

Sweetheart.

First of all, she's got us

eating these hipster biscuits

Okay so this is a coaster.

Are you sure she's the one?

She's... She's really sweet

when you get to know her.

If Chaz doesn't propose

exactly the way I told him to,

Im going to scoop his jelly

out with a grapefruit spoon.

She's a bad egg.

Shut up!

Milton!

Milton. Take a lap.

That a boy.

Go to the car.

Find me a bag of pocket meat.

Pocket meat?

Steve! I'm going to need it if

I'm going to survive this dinner.

This is a vegan restaurant,

here, eat this.

I don't want that.

It's going to be fine.

You're going to say yes. I'm going to

throw you a b*tch in bachelorette party

Let's go in. I am starving.

Ladies,

I got another ride to pick up.

Fine. Don't forget to film it.

Yeah. We're going.

If you mess up recording this,

I swear I'm

going to throw your R.V.

off a cliff with you

inside of it.

sh**t.

What's wrong? Its stuck

on resting b*tch face filter.

Oh, wait.

That's just you!

MILTON Pocket meat. KATE: Smart

phones shouldn't be smarter than you.

SCARLETT Yes, they should.

You okay over there?

This is my Dads meat.

Meat? Cute.

Milton! Get inside. I don't want

you walking in and ruining this.

Yes, ma'am. [DEWEY,

VOICE OVER] Kate, I will show

you that love is not dead.

Just misplaced

with the wrong man

at the wrong vegan restaurant.

Thank you. Good Job.

Excuse me, herbivore.

Could you heat this up in the

microwave, please? Thank you.

We don't have a microwave.

There is always a microwave.

Two minutes should be fine.

[DEWEY, VOICE-OVER]

My redheaded firecracker

approaches with her

simple-witted sister.

KATE: Its only the most

important video of my life.

Get my face!

SCARLETT Everyone gets married

it's not that special.

SCARLETT Hug!

[ADORING MURMURS]

Oh, sorry.

Blocking the parents.

Mmm

Is this lettuce wrapped lettuce?

It's aged romaine

in our signature endive.

Pbbtt!

Who's that?

I like her.

SCARLETT Ooh, champagne!

Kate

You are the reason why

I wake up every morning.

Because she probably wouldn't

let him sleep in.

Chaz, you are my everything.

SCARLETT She's already usurping.

MILTON Usurp, nice word.

Thanks, it was my smartphone

word of the day.

Go on Chazzy.

Every day with you is

the single best day of my life.

That doesn't make sense.

Dude, please!

Scarlett! Why can't you just

shut up for, like, five seconds?

You cant do anything right. You can't take

one simple direction. Just stand there.

You two are perfect

for each other.

Go ahead, son.

There's always a microwave.

There's always a microwave.

Ooh.

I'm sorry, baby.

It's okay.

[TENSE MUSIC]

It doesn't fit.

It has to fit.

It doesn't fit.

It fits, it has to.

Coming in for a close up! KATE:

We had it fitted and everything!

They say the camera adds pounds!

Give me a big smile.

I'll show you a pound!

[PUNCH LANDS]

[CROWD GASPS]

[CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS]

[POP]

[POP]

[POP]

[POP]

[POP]

[CROWD GASPS]

[THUD]

[MARGARET SOBBING]

KATE My proposal!

MARGARET No, Steve, no!

KATE: You stopped

recording!

SCARLETT To call 911!

Steve!

[SIBLINGS ARGUING]

[HEAVENLY MUSIC]

MARGARET (OFFSCREEN) No, No!

WAITER (OFFSCREEN)

Theres always a microwave.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[LAUGHING]

At least I got my pocket meat.

[UPBEAT SONG CONTINUES]

["CHASING LOVE CAN

DRIVE YOU MAD"]

["MAKE YOU FEEL REAL GOOD

MAKE YOU FEEL SO SAD"]

["OH, CHASING LOVE"]

["OH, CHASING LOVE"]

Hey.

Hey.

So last night

I guess that's why they don't

throw the bachelorette party

the night before

the actual wedding.

Yeah, ending up

here was an interesting choice.

I don't actually remember

how that happened.

Do you remember?

[SMACK]

Yep.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, God.

It's going to be a long day.

Do you want me to get you

anything? Water? Aspirin?

No, I should get going. I don't

want to confuse the wedding guests

on who's getting married

and who's had their first one

night stand.

Yeah. See you at the altar.

Bye, Milton.

Im not a virgin.

Suck it, Chaz.

[CLAPPING]

It's about time.

Oh, did you just muffin-bust

my brother?

Wait, you're saying

he's a virgin?

Yes.

No, there's no way.

I mean, other than that hand

of his, he's full on virgin.

No. He did this thing

with his hand.

No, no, no, I don't want to know

what he did with anything.

And you know what?

Neither should your sister.

KATE (OFFSCREEN) No, no, no!

[KATE SLAMS DOOR]

Good luck with that one.

Thanks. You should go

through the back door though.

Yep.

Where is...

Down that way.

Okay.

Don't look at me like that.

There needs to be button

chrysanthemums.

[CLATTER] Hey, is this the

back door? I'm a little lost.

Ew, did you sleep on the floor

last night?

Dog bed, actually.

Its a step up from the mattress

in your trailer.

It was. Very roomy. Ten

out of ten.

You're disgusting.

I'll call the

florist right now, Cuz.

[SWISHES AND SPITS]

Hillbilly toothpaste.

No drinking

until after the wedding.

I don't want anyone drunk

when I walk down the aisle.

You're saying this whole day

I have to be sober?

What is that? I can't tell if it's your

usual B.O. or something stickier.

This is a beautiful place

to have a wedding. Honestly.

Good choice.

Deflecting.

But yes, it is gorgeous.

And it's going to be perfect.

And it's going to be

the happiest day of my life.

Those inside until

the arbor is up!

Okay. Oh, no. You're not actually

going through with that, are you?

Unplugged weddings are totally

in right now. I've been to plenty

of weddings that go unplugged.

Maybe Chaz will find a way

to get your as*h*le unplugged.

We tried that once. Never again.

Word. So, Kate, just in

case the florist ghosts you

what if we use some greenery

to fill out the table settings?

There needs to be

button chrysanthemums.

Button chrysanthemums

are the most important thing!

I would think family

is the most important thing.

Yes, Dad. Family is the most

important thing.

That's my girl. And then

my button chrysanthemums.

And then my button

chrysanthemums.

Don't start with me.

Scarlett, this is Kate's day.

Just do what she says on her

day. Please.

So Bro, Kate can't know

that I seduced her sister.

Seduced?

Oh, dude. That's hilarious.

That's funny.

Pretend I'm this sweet, savory

maple syrup.

Scarlett,

is this little piece of pancake,

[SYRUP SQUELCHES]

and I just smother...

Her like that.

Dude that's disgusting.

I think she liked it.

I highly doubt it.

Bow chick a wow wow

Well look at this sight my two

boys having their last breakfast

before one of them

becomes a married man.

Oh, Chazzy,

this is going to be one of the

most important days of your life.

Yeah, because it's all downhill

from here.

At least for Kate.

No that aint...

d*ck.

No fighting today.

This is an important day

for everyone.

Don't ruin it with your sibling

squabbling.

I won't.

I won't more.

Okay. Before the guests arrive,

I have something to show you.

Something from your father.

Something from Dad?

[ANGELIC CHORD]

All right, here we go.

Game time, baby.

He made this

a couple of years ago,

right after his first

heart attack.

We always wanted to do something

really nice for you boys.

Well, Ill let

your father explain.

[BEEP]

My boys.

Dad.

Love you. Miss you.

Heavens great.

Tom Petty invited me

to go free fall in.

No, seriously,

if you're seeing this,

one of you is getting married.

Congratulations, Chaz or Milton.

Thanks, Dad.

Suck it, Milton.

To build the life

of your financial dreams

your mother and I have agreed

that the first of you

to get married

we would help you out

as much as we can.

So we are gifting you Chaz

or Milton, your childhood home,

to help you and your partner

build your new life together.

No, no.

And a basic court

marriage won't do.

You need to have a ceremony

for your mother.

Now, party hard like I did.

My favorite boy, Chaz

or Milton. Enjoy your new house.

And now back to heaven.

Congratulations, Chaz.

I got the best mom and dead Dad

in the entire world.

He gets the house? Oh, come on,

Milton, be supportive of your brother.

Just because

he's getting married?

I live here.

I've always lived here.

About that...

time to pack up player.

What about you? What about you?

You live here too?

Oh, actually, I'm

moving with your aunt

to Gulf Shores Condos

in Florida.

It has a lazy river!

A lazy river?

What is happening?

Mom, that room will always

be available for you

when you're here.

Thanks, Chazzy.

You're welcome. As for you, I'm

turning your room into my drumset room.

You don't even play the drums.

Now I have a room to learn.

I hope someone bought

it from the registry.

[SCREAMING]

What fun.

[DEWEY, NARRATING]

Dear Diary,

My heart swells

as I pen these words

from the early morning hours,

anticipation has coursed

through my veins,

intermingling with

the scent of...

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING

ON CAR RADIO]

Accidental carpool.

Excuse me, sir. Are you on the

groom's side or the brides side?

I'm on Kates side.

Who will grace me with her

presence

clad in a gown that is

will surely rival

the beauty of heaven.

Oh, you too, huh?

Kissing cousins?

Except I'm grooms side.

You get them anything good?

I have a few surprises.

Hey, you guys forgot your

giant gift.

Score.

[MILTON, YELLING]

Who is Tom Petty?

Whoa, you look sadder than when

Atreyu lost Artax

in the Swamp of Sadness.

Yeah.

I thought you'd like that one.

You're the only person who even

understood what I just said.

My mom and dad are giving Chaz

the house as a wedding gift.

I have nowhere to live.

That sucks.

I'd offer you a spot

in my trailer, but

you aren't gonna wanna do that.

Why does it have to be about

who's getting married first?

There's nothing

I can do about that.

Well, if that's the case, you technically

could still get married before Kate and Chaz.

No one would marry me, though.

I might.

Yeah, right.

I mean, why not? You're fun.

Cute.

Most importantly, you have

a house with air conditioning.

But you're not into it,

so I'm just going to go die.

Oh, no. No, wait.

Are you seriously serious?

Serious.

I mean, not about the dying,

but, you're nerd rock cute

And my favorite album

is Pinkerton.

Good, cause obviously

it's the best Weezer album.

On loop for years!

Wait, you actually

will marry me?

I mean, what is marriage

besides two people

working on a mutual goal?

And our mutual goal is that

we don't want to be homeless.

Chaz and Kate

could totally understand.

Well...

Ugh!

Do you need some help, gorgeous?

Oh, thank you, Dewey.

Oh, why is everyone so early?

I gotta get on my dress.

Can't wait to see you in it!

This would be such

a perfect wedding

for us.

Argh!

I would totally do it,

but probably shouldn't

ruin my sister's wedding day.

Meet me at the bar

when this is all over?

[ANGELIC CHORD]

Oh!

So close.

[DEWEY, NARRATING]

Dear Diary,

Today's the big day.

The big day to

sabotage a wedding!

Kates wedding

will be in shambles.

And I'll be the one

to pick up the pieces,

proving that I'm much

more than a work husband.

I knew it at the company

Christmas party,

and I know it now.

Chaff, your reckoning

has finally come.

Chaff's reckoning!

[CLATTER]

Oh my God, Kate, I am so jelly.

This is going to be

your new house!

I would die to have this house.

I k*ll my own mother

for this house.

k*ll her good.

What is this?

If you don't like it, you

should have come to the fitting.

Kate, I did your engagement

party,

your bachelorette party, I

hand wrote all of your invitations.

I couldn't come to one fitting,

and this is what you

picked out for me?

Polyester in August!?

I got everyone

their favorite color.

Pink.

Pink.

Pink.

Okay, well, this hasn't been my

favorite color since I was seven.

Well, that was the last time

I asked you.

You thought you were a mermaid

and insisted

everyone call

you Seashells all summer.

You look super cute.

For a mermaid.

[MEAN LAUGHTER]

Hey, what time did you get back

from taking the stripper

home last night?

Oh my God, the stripper.

I totally forgot,

he's still in my RV.

What?

He's been in there all night.

Don't you sleep in the RV?

You slept with the stripper?

No, I didn't sleep...

I didn't sleep in my

RV last night.

Scarlett, if he's still

in your RV,

then we are still being charged

by the hour for him.

Okay. I'm sorry.

It was an accident.

No, the accident was thinking

you could be responsible.

[MEAN LAUGHTER]

Male stripper?

Male stripper?

Oh, Maid of Honor!

You ready for another lap dance?

Oh, no. No.

Male stripper. Down, down.

My name is Henry.

And no lap dance? Oh, I'm so

sorry I forgot you in here last night.

I got you some food

and some water,

and I'll just be right back.

[SEXY MUSIC]

No male stripper. No, no, no.

Quit dancing.

I'm still on the c*ck clock,

And when I'm on the c*ck clock

I give the good stuff.

You're so dedicated,

I'm just going to ask you to

wait right here.

I'm just going to find my phone

and Ill come right...

I cant come with you?

No, no.

Why? Someone has

to want a lap dance.

Hmm...

I cant think of anybody

Just wait right here.

Oh, God.

Arnold?

Bernadette?

Yeah!

[LADIES CHEER]

Cant wait for this wedding.

This is going to be epic.

So, how do you two know

the bride?

Oh, we don't know the bride,

were the groom's maids.

Groom's maids?

Yeah, we're Chaz's cousins.

Kissing cousins.

Ew.

No, we're his ride or dies.

Wed go to the end of this flat

earth for him.

Literally take a b*llet for him.

Or, at least a shot.

[LAUGHTER] Sounds like you two and

Chaz have quite the unbreakable bond.

Oh, yeah. I can't wait

to get there and start drinking.

Don't even pour it in a glass,

bottle to face.

I heard it was a dry wedding.

No shots until

the knot is locked.

Oh hell no.

Screw Chaz.

Chaz is dead to us.

Turn this car around,

were going home.

I'm entering the highway.

Turn this car around.

Did you take care of the male

stripper?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Wait I thought you were wearing

Mom's dress?

We even cut the puffy

sleeves off.

I thought about it,

but it just wasn't me.

You know, all the sparkles.

I wanted something romantic,

not gaudy.

Don't you care about

Mom's energy

being a part of any of this?

Mom's energy?

Mom is dead, Scarlett.

Geez. Look if you get

married, you'll understand.

Not that I'm holding my breath

on that one.

I could get married.

Who would want to marry a chick who lives

in an RV and showers once a year, maybe?

[BOTTLE SPRITZES]

I can think of someone.

I have squatter's rights.

Ew, dude, the last thing

I want to think about

is you squatting on anything

or anyone for that matter.

You think she regrets adding you

to her hookup list?

She actually told me she never

had a one night stand before.

I'm pretty sure she was

talking about bedroom furniture.

Oh my God. No you didn't.

I might have.

I honestly can't think of

what's more pathetic

him sleeping with you or you

sleeping with a loser like him.

He's not a loser.

He's eccentric and adorable.

He still lives at home,

and he wears t shirts

with cartoons on them.

Those are anime. Oh my God

she knows the name of the show!

Dude, as

soon as I sanitize this place

I got some ideas for it.

Right here, for instance,

this is where I put my drum set.

That's where I podcast.

Right here is where

I put my lacrosse trophies.

What about my

participation awards?

Right over there,

That's where I put

the punching bag.

I can still be your punching

bag, man.

Just let me stay.

Okay.

Really?

No.

Hell no.

I can't wait

to redecorate his room.

I'm going to turn it

into a meditation space.

Unless it's my house first.

What?

[SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE]

You're just pissy

because Im the favorite!

You're not the favorite, you're

just getting married first!

It's not that hard to do!

Oh yeah?

Then you do it.

Maybe I will.

What? Where are you going?

To be an every night stand.

Huh?

I want to marry you, Scarlett.

I want to marry you, Milton.

And we both want the house.

Desperately. And I don't care

how many guys you slept with.

Okay. Give me a chance

to make you happy.

I think if it's for you,

I can do anything.

Of course.

And, just promise me

that when I screw up,

and I probably will,

that you'll just have

patience with me?

Deal.

Deal.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

["AVE MARIA" PLAYING

ON CAR RADIO]

What's that?

Oh, it's my Bible.

Ten Ways to Be the Best

Mother of the Groom

It's my perfect day checklist.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[REPEATED DOORBELL RINGING]

Father, you're early.

God didn't want me to be late

and I am but his humble servant.

Well come inside in the

air conditioning.

Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

I will, thank you. Could you be so

kind as to direct me to the restroom?

There's a bit of a

situation in Sodom

if you know what I mean.

Yes, the last door on the left.

Bless you child.

Father! Hey!

Actually, she didn't

mean this one

she meant the bathroom

in the West Wing.

This one smells like dookie.

I have to dookie, myself.

Thank you so much, son. Perfect. You'll

have your own private bathroom over here.

Heaven's gates are

about to be breached.

That's disgusting.

And here we are, Father.

Your own personal bathroom.

Thank you, my son.

I shant baptize this

toilet soon enough,

if you know what I'm saying.

Yeah.

[DOORKNOB BREAKS]

Sucker!

[DEWEY, NARRATING] I am

captivated by every single

aspect of Kate's existence,

from the way she delicately

brushes a strand of red hair

behind her ear

to the melodic sounds of her

[LAUGHING]

laughter.

She enchants me entirely.

So what are we going to do

about the rings?

I have a cousin

that'll tattoo them.

And what about the music?

I have a cousin whos a DJ.

And what about the food?

I have a cousin who caters.

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC STARTS]

But the most important thing

is that we get hitched

before their wedding at 5:00.

I've always been a fan of 4:20

Me, too.

[HARSH WEDDING BELL RINGS]

We'll get married at 4:20,

we have a quick ceremony

in the backyard,

have a bite of cake,

then scuffle back to

the other party

so we're not total dicks.

I'm going to figure out invitations so people

know to come to the backyard wedding first.

Hey, Grandma Agnes...

How would you like to come

to an even better wedding

than this one?

That's why I'm here,

for a wedding.

But for my other grandson,

not you.

Oh, no no no.

I'm getting married too.

You're getting married?

I thought you were smart enough

to realize love

is a complete sham.

Would you be interested in being

the best man in my wedding?

Yeah, but this is

a wedding out of spite.

Oh, is it now?

How lovely.

I've never been to a

spite wedding before.

This I gotta see.

How does it look out there? More

spectacular than you could ever imagine?

Well...

What's that?

I don't think

you want to see these.

What the hell?

Where's Chaz?

He needs to see this.

Isn't it bad luck

for you to see...

I don't give a...

Spit everywhere is one thing.

Just what do you think you're

trying to pull

on my wedding day? You cannot get

married before me just to get the house.

Ok Kate, hi! I was wondering if

you could be my Maid of Honor,

then you could do

all the menial sl*ve labor

that comes

with being a bridesmaid?

Don't worry,

I already have a stripper.

This is my house, Chaz.

You moved out 12 years ago.

Scarlett, do you know that

he has a blow up doll

in his closet?

Are you mad?

This is all about the house? Kate, as much

money as you brag about having all the time

I'm sure you'll be just fine.

I have no liquid!

Everything's tied up in crypto.

I told you that, Scarlett!

I'm sure you would have found

some other reason to say

your wedding was a disaster,

like the flowers, the sun,

whatever an arbor is.

I am trying to throw a champagne

wedding on a beer budget.

Yes, and I'm sure you

will still have

your picture perfect

pink wedding,

just not the house.

[SCREAMING]

Can someone please tell me

what's going on here?

Keep calm. Rule #1 in my

magazine is keep a calm, cool tone

What do you think you're

trying to pull here, young man?

You and Dad were the ones

who made this challenge

so I'm just rising up

to the occasion.

Wait, you're telling me that I have two

weddings to be best mother of the groom at?

Yes. Are you mad?

For the love of Saint Joseph!

No, I'm not mad.

This

its a blessed miracle!

Dad! Tell Scarlett

she can't do this to me.

Scarlett, you can't do this.

It's not up to you. Mom, are you

really okay with this happening?

This is the happiest

day of my life. Twice.

Both my sons are getting

married today!

Kate, this is

just like your prom.

Okay. Even though

we had to use your limo

to pick Scarlett up

from jail on the way,

it's still a

special night, right?

No!

[SCREAMING]

[PAPER TEARING]

Sticky.

[DEWEY, NARRATING]

Dear Diary,

There's been an unforeseen

development

with a rival wedding!

What luck!

Oh, what great fortune

I've been bestowed.

Kate's wails will merely deepen

my desire to dedicate my

every breath to her happiness.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Damn this robe.

Always in the way of my ab.

All right.

Christ on a cr*cker jacker!

Damn unplugged weddings.

Ive seen Kate use her phone

a million times in church.

But when it comes to my turn...

[CLATTER]

KATE (OFFSCREEN)

People are arriving!

CHAZ (OFFSCREEN)

Kate, Kate! Listen...

You're not listening to me!

Slow down.

Look. Smell this.

Your lavender.

You love it.

All right.

Look,

I know us being

sabotaged by our siblings

on the most important

day of our lives

is not what we expected.

But the most important thing

is that we're together.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

You're right.

A perfect wedding was just

the vegan icing on the cake.

You're my real dessert.

Sure. But we need to do is move

our wedding up by five minutes.

Yes!

We'll just get married at 4:15

Shouldn't be a problem.

We have to make sure no one goes

to the backyard though.

All right, we got this.

Excuse me,

Ladies and gentlemen, our wedding

has now been moved up by 45 minutes.

The new time is 4:15

Not unless you

find the priest...

Does that mean the open

bar is going to be opening soon?

Yes. As soon as I'm married.

I put my good lashes on

so I could drink my face off.

Yes!

Yeah!

There's always one.

There's always one.

There's always one. Do you

smell that? It's not my lavender.

Smells like victory!

No, seriously.

Do you smell that?

It smells like... [GRILL

HISSING] Cow K*llers Barbecue!

We grill, you chew!

That's what we do!

KARLENE Woo-hoo!

Cousin Karlene, you made it!

Yeah and its a lucky thing too,

because it seems like

my invitation to

Kates wedding got lost?

I just didn't think you would

want to come to a vegan wedding.

Yeah, I'll go anywhere.

I can always bring

my pocket meat.

Hey, tell me more about this

pocket meat.

Cow K*llers is locally sourced

Farm to table, table to mouth,

mouth to stomach.

That's right, Aunt B.

And I feel like that's why these steaks

are so darn juicy! [MEAT SIZZLES]

'Cause my cows,

They live the life!

And then same day slaughter.

Oh my God, I'm gonna cry.

That is horribly

fresh. So these little

cowies just died today?

That's spot on. Except I

wouldn't call my h*ifers little at all.

You gotta see these bad boys,

they are bigger than a house!

I feed them so good!

Kate! Kate!

Karlene, you got any

meat-based vegetables?

You gotta try my meat-based

portobello mushroom.

Put it aside for me, please.

You got it.

Kate!

So good.

So fresh!

It's like it's alive.

Moo!

Cow K*llers!

Locally sourced,

farm to table, table to mouth,

mouth to stomach.

[LOUD MOO]

Kate listen!

The wedding is going to be vegan

Just the way you- we-wanted it.

The whole outside

smells like rotting flesh!

Well, not rotting, more like

grilled... sauted

disgusting, disgusting meat.

Listen, it'll be gone

before you know it, okay?

Okay.

Thanks, babe.

You always know how

to reassure me.

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

[DJ, OVER PA] Pew pew pew pew!

Its Scarletts favorite cousin!

DJ Drinks-A lot!

The backyard wedding

will now be at 4:07

Pew pew pew pew!

We are not losing this house.

We are moving our

wedding up to 3:59

Find the damn priest.

Where is that dude?

Hello?

Can anyone hear me?

Hello!?

Darn window's locked!

I've been trapped in this

bathroom for over half an hour!

I'm starting to use things

I found in the cabinets!

Ooh. Apple caramel

hand moisturizer.

Soothes and hydrates.

[BOTTLE SQUELCHES]

[ANGELIC CHORDS]

You are a man of faith.

All up in someone

else's moisturizer.

Shame sprinkles!

No, you know the rules.

Not until Kate and Chaz

say I do

In the meantime,

why did you give me

an arrival shot?

They took my phone

and I'm bored out of my mind.

No, not until someone crosses

that bridge into holy matrimony.

Blah blah blah.

Hurry up and have the whiskey

cross the bridge into my liver.

[SPRAY BOTTLE HISSES]

Who invited you?

Get outta here!

Hey! You too!

[SCARLETT GRUNTING]

Scarlett!

Scarlett!

Scarlett!

You like it?

Scarlett!

Toilet paper is

all I could find.

I know, I know, it looks great.

Come here.

I wanna show you something.

Okay.

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]

[COMICAL CLUNK]

This is my cousin Maria.

She's really good

at making problems disappear.

Yeah,

I did a little party favor.

If you know what I mean.

So you remember how they're

having an unplugged wedding

and they told everybody

to put their phones in a basket?

Stupid. Yeah, well, now

they're officially unplugged.

For good.

[MILTON GIGGLES]

You stole the basket.

She stole the basket.

I stole the basket. My phones

in that basket. Can I have it?

Yeah, yeah.

Maria, where'd you

hide the basket?

Look, Cuz, I like you, but

I don't move bodies and tell.

Bodies.

Sorry, force of habit.

I don't move cellies and tell.

What do you mean?

We need our cell phones.

That's too bad. You had a problem,

and I took care of that problem.

Licky licky boom boom.

Where's the basket, Maria?

All right,

I'll tell you one thing.

They might be on sleep mode.

With the fishes.

Tiger, did she throw

our phones in the lake?

Oh, Tiger!

[ROARS AND GROWLS]

We'll work on it.

Okay.

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

[DJ, OVER PA]

Pew pew pew pew!

Here's a request:

Anyone have any bug spray?

No big deal.

I'm just a little allergic.

You want people not to leave?

I made sure people aren't

leaving.

Yes, babe!

What did you do?

Electric pens? Sheepdog?

Cash bribery?

No babe, even better.

[MAGICAL SOUNDS]

Red velvet.

My uncle, he got

a bunch of these in the truck

just in case something like

this ever happens.

How's it going to help?

People can easily

get around a velvet rope?

No they can't.

I got my cousin here.

How you doin?

Cousin!

He's here to regulate.

Make sure no one passes.

Cousin...

Look at him,

look at the features.

No, it's my cousin's cousin.

But today he's my cousin.

Watch this.

Just watch.

Hold up.

No crossing the velvet rope.

Why? We gotta get to

the backyard wedding.

Not today.

Who are you?

Im a cousin.

Who's cousin?

I'm a cousin...

of a cousin

who makes me somebody's cousin.

Go back to your seats.

Yeah, yeah.

But I am a cousin.

Yeah, tell it to your seat.

A real one, too.

Shoo!

No ones passing cousin.

Okay. That's fine.

It's going great.

Congratulations!

So you're really going

to ruin your sister's day?

She wanted it to be memorable.

Scarlett...

Dad...

Dad, you've always said that

you wanted me to settle down

When are you going to

move out of that RV?

Quit d*ck in around and

get serious about something!

All right, all right. The house

is great, but what about Kate?

This is her day!

This is Milton's house!

He lives here

and deserves to stay.

I'm just helping the homeless.

I don't think he's

right for you.

Well, too bad!

It's not your choice.

It's up to me who Im with.

I know, but still...

Still what?

He could have asked.

Could have asked...?

Ohhh.

What's left? Bouquets?

Check.

Best man/maid of honor?

Check.

Cute. Asked my father

permission for my hand in marriage?

Wait. What?

I know it's a little archaic

but my Dad would really

appreciate it

if you asked him

for his blessing.

Yeah, okay.

Thanks.

Okay. How about chairs?

Coming in hot!

I did not invite her

to the backyard.

Hey Bridesmaid!

You ain't gonna find

your phone over there.

You better

tell me where they are.

I've started drinking

the emergency bride wine,

so I don't care what I destroy

at your sham wedding.

Just try me.

Hey, chill. Yeah we don't

know where the phones are.

What do you mean you don't know

where the phones are?

You stole them.

We hired outside help.

Well, then.

Hey!

Those are the good ones

from Arby's!

Male stripper!

Its Henry

Hey, hey, hey, do you still have

those furry handcuffs from earlier?

Of course.

A stripper prepares.

Great.

Excuse me!

What are you...

Suck it!

Good job, Booboo!

Thanks. But don't call me

Booboo I'm not a small bear.

All right! [SEXY MUSIC

STARTS] A forever customer!

I'm Henry, the male stripper.

Oh, and since you're

still on the clock,

your job is to give Gammy Ag

a lap dance for the next hour.

Now we're talking!

No!

What did I do

coming to the backyard!?

Kate!!

KARLENE (OFFSCREEN) Yeah Granny!

I can't believe you're

dealing with this so lightly.

Well, Womens and Babies

magazine says

You can't control life, but you

can control how you deal with it

I've had enough bad days

after my husband died.

I'm ready for some good ones.

Me too.

And some grandkids.

Yeah.

[DOOR SLIDES OPEN]

Hey, Mom, can I talk to

Mr. Fisher?

Sure.

[CHAIR SQUEAKS]

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

So I wanted to say to you

that I am an analyst.

Usually I do numbers.

My life is really

just kind of black and white.

[SOFT MUSIC STARTS]

Because of Scarlett,

for the first time in my life,

I see colors.

I'm never this spontaneous

but I just know

that this marriage

is a good thing.

[REFRIDGERATOR HUMS]

[CHAIR SQUEAKS]

Sir,

Im asking if you can

give me your blessing

to marry your daughter.

Hmm.

Hmm.

That was way better

than your brother.

It was?

Yes.

Yes, okay, yes.

You can marry Scarlett.

Hug me back.

You're soon gonna find out

that she usually gets

whatever she wants.

Good job, Son.

Where is that damn priest?

We'll just have someone

else officiate.

Takes what? Two seconds

to get ordained online?

We don't have our phones.

There is no online!

Okay.

Okay.

Babe, look at it,

I'm pretty sure someone here

has been ordained before

just on a bender one night.

Let me check. Let me check.

Ladies and gentlemen,

can I have your

attention, please?

Is there anyone here

who's ordainable?

Ordainable?

We need someone to officiate us.

Oh, I can do it.

Internet certified.

I've done it before.

You have?

Dewey you're a lifesaver!

Babe, he isnt... come here.

Listen, babe,

this guy likes you likes you.

You can't do this.

Stop acting like a teenager,

I'm literally marrying you.

This guy says he's

your work husband

He's not wrong. Yeah,

don't worry about it, guys.

I can marry you.

And Chaff.

Dude, my name is not Chaff

Thank you.

Come on, Chaffy.

I mean, Chazzy.

Can you toss that for me?

Thanks, bro.

[ANGELIC CHORDS]

Sabotage! Sabotage!

What do I do now?

I've been in here so long.

Im starting to feel dirty.

They do have a nice shower.

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]

[SHOWER SPRAYS]

[HUMMING]

Sorry you have to get married

to a tacky mermaid.

No, no, no.

You look like a reef.

A reef?

Yeah.

Like a beautiful coral reef.

God, I love you.

[SOFT MUSIC]

Yeah, you can't wear that.

How about this?

Mom's dress?

Really?

As much as I would like

to see the return of

Seashells the Mermaid

maybe this is a better fit.

And your mother

would be honored.

And you finally came around?

Well, I wish it wasn't

the same day,

but if you guys are happy,

you have my support.

Plus, I don't have

to pay for another wedding.

Thanks, Dad.

[LOUD RECORD SKIP]

No.

No not yet.

Too soon.

Its too soon.

After the reception, all right?

Okay? FLORIST No, Im not okay!

Do you know what this is?

Do you know what this is?

Flower?

This is a floral collar

for a dog!

A floral collar!

Okay, but why a dog?

Because the bride is a dog.

I mean...

I heard Kate was a b*tch

but a collar is next level.

What? No.

I'm going to the

highly anticipated wedding

of Bark Twain and Shia LeFluff.

What?

The famously g*y Bichon Friss?

Not a cousin.

[GROANS]

Different wedding.

[CLATTER]

[DOG BARKING]

[DJ, OVER PA]

Pew pew pew pew!

Look, I left my pew pew pew

machine at home

so I'm doing the best

pew pew pewing

that I can do, okay?

The backyard is

where the partys at

so let's jump, dance and

cornhole!

Pew pew pew!

[SOFT CHEERING]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

I owe your Mom a curtain.

You look breathtaking.

I can't believe you're real.

[SCARLETT GIGGLES]

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

Okay everybody, Our wedding

is going to begin in five minutes,

so put down your cornholing

And come watch us get hitched!

CROWD Almost get those drinks!

CROWD I want to see them kiss.

Pew pew pew pew!

Four minutes, everyone,

and then I'm walking

down that aisle.

Everyone in your places.

Does that mean we

get our phones back?

Hey, also, is anyone

and I mean anyone

able to ordain us

other than Dewey?

Anyone?

Anyone?

No.

Which wedding are we going to?

We can't go to both.

Should we split up?

No, we do things together.

We're not like their family.

Everyone take a seat

for the wedding!

Which one? The fancy schmancy

wedding or the hickey Dickie wedding?

I... I don't know.

It just says

round up the guests

There's nothing in the article

about what to do

if both your children decide

to get married the same day.

Don't drink!

[ROMANTIC SONG]

["DO I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES"]

Chaz!

You played this song

on our first date!

I know,

I wanted to surprise you.

But when you get back there,

Turn it off before

The Thong Song come on.

It'll change the whole party.

Go on, get down that aisle.

Go, go, go.

Okay.

[DEWEY, NARRATING]

In a world of vibrant hues

behold, Kate.

Fair, with crimson tresses

that ignite the air.

Her hair a fiery cascade

dances with grace.

A tapestry of passion

upon her face.

In strands of ruby

a tale of love unfolds.

Each lock whispers secrets

oh like flames ablaze

they dance with such desire.

A passionate fire.

Every strand a story of love

a tale of love that...

Kate, Kate, Kate.

Kate, Kate, Kate,

Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate...

Dude. Focus, man.

You know what to say, right?

I know exactly what to say

to her.

Oh my God. But words

would not do her justice.

Has anyone seen my dad?

I think he's

still getting ready.

[TENSE MUSIC STARTS]

Okay.

I don't need my dad.

Or my mom.

And especially not my sister.

People get married without

their families all the time,

Right?

This isn't sad at all!

Honestly,

I think it's pretty sad.

Oh, it's my turn to walk!

Smiles, smiles!

Good luck, almost Mrs. Chaz

You're gonna win!

Im gonna win!

Milton, Milton!

We have to

get married right now!

[CHAOTIC MUSIC STARTS]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

[OVERLAPPING SHOUTS]

This way! Over here!

Come on!

Shh!

Over here!

This way! Don't get lost!

We're out of time.

[OVERLAPPING SHOUTS CONTINUE]

I can hear the music!

Straight ahead, you'll see it!

I told you this was

the right way!

[WEDDING MARCH PLAYS]

All right,

I'm here.

Dad, where were you?

Sorry, I can't keep track of

which one of you

is get married first.

["WEDDING MARCH" CONTINUES]

Wait, Mom!

Where are you going?

Back to the front yard.

This is exhausting

keeping up with love.

No! Is their

wedding starting?

Everyone...

I like to re-invite you

to the front yard.

Mom! From the sound of it,

she's halfway down the aisle.

This house rule is

driving me mad!

No, no, no! Margaret! Can't

you just change the house rule?

No! My husband

sticks to his decisions,

even inside the grave.

[ANGELIC CHORDS]

That's for you, baby.

I love a good old fashioned

marriage-off!

No! Hey, guys!

Stay, stay!

Ladies and gentlemen,

We

are gathered here

today

to witness a marriage.

Dewey, let's just get

to the important parts.

Okay, um... Are you sure you don't

want me to take as long as possible

so you know you're

making the right decision?

Dude, I'm standing right here.

Let's just move

this along, shall we?

Mmkay...

Do you, Chaff...

Chaz.

Take this beautiful...

I cant believe he's

actually marrying them!

Why wouldn't he? Dont you see

him blue-veining over my sister?

who is far

out of your league.

Far out of anyone's league!

This guy talks so much.

That is unworthy of her

magnificence and brilliance!

Come on, come on. This

guy's got a hard-on for Kate.

Who holds a place

in all of our hearts.

And mine,

especially more than anyone.

To be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

[DEWEY GROANS]

And do you,

Kate.

Kate. Kate. Kate.

Whose name I will never

tire of hearing or saying.

Take Chaff?

Chaz. Who we all know

does not deserve to be

where he's standing today?

To be your lawfully,

wedded husband?

I do.

[DEWEY GROANS]

Okay, well...

Then with the power vested in me

from the nation

island of Sri Lanka,

I now pronounce you...

MILTON Whoa whoa whoa!

Sri Lanka?

This is not Sri Lanka.

You know this

is Pennsylvania, right?

Dewey, tell me this is legally

binding in the United States?

No?

This son of a d*ck.

Sri Lanka marriage laws

are way different

than Pennsylvania marriage laws.

Same as mattress removal laws.

Same as manslaughter laws.

Dewey, how could you?

I'm doing you a favor.

Now you have enough

time to realize

that he is not your soulmate!

Can I punch him now?

That means theres still time!

Suck it, Kate!

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

KATE Scarlett!

Damn!

What do we do now?

What about the alcohol?

We can't drink

until they get married!

MARGARET Oh, Lord. Everyone, I'd

like to re-invite you back to the backyard.

Dude, you screwed us

out of a house!

Is that all you care about?

The house?

What about marrying me?

Of course, baby,

that's number one

but the house is a bonus!

[KATE WAILS]

Babe, come on

don't storm off into the house

that I don't care about!

Chaff, Chaff, don't follow her.

You give her some space,

and I'll make sure she's okay.

No, you stay here, man.

You've done too much.

What about the alcohol?

We can't drink

until they get married!

[UPBEAT FUNK MUSIC STARTS] [YEAH ILL

MAKE YOU MOVE LIKE YOUR BOOTS ARE ON FIRE]

[ILL MAKE YOU JUMP LIKE

YOU TOUCHED A LIVE WIRE]

[HEY NO SITTING DOWN

WHEN I GET IN THE ZONE]

[JUST GIVE ME MY CROWN

LET THE KING TAKE CONTROL]

[WHOA, YEAH]



[WHOA, YEAH]

[YOURE GONNA MOVE IYOURE GONNA MOVE IT]

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

[CELLPHONES BUZZ]

Oh my gosh,

that was a close one!

But we totally got an

advantage now!

Totally!

MARIA I asked around.

I found someone who's ordained.

Consider it another favor.

Really? Who?

[HANDCUFFS CLINK]

Oh, yeah. I have officiated for a

lot of people, including for myself.

You can do that? You can

marry anything in Pennsylvania.

Well, almost anything.

Seriously?

I divorced myself, too.

Marriage is really hard.

I hope you two are ready

for the challenges.

[STRIPPER LAUGHS]

[HAYLEY MOCK LAUGHS]

Challenges? What? Like putting

together a wedding in 20 minutes?

We more than got this,

right, Milton?

Milton?

MAN (OFFSCREEN) Scarlett!

Scarlett, you gotta help us

with this bouncer.

Yeah. This guy won't let us

into your crappy wedding.

Just go under the rope.

We tried that, but look.

Don't touch the rope!

See? He's really intimidating!

Let them do what they want.

Who even are you?

I'm a cousin of the bride.

I'm a bride,

you're not a cousin.

That's what I'm saying.

I'm a cousin of a cousin.

No you're not.

Tell him, Scarlett!

Come on, everyone.

Let's bum rush this bum!

Hey!

One...

No!

Two...

Three! [LOUD

CLATTERS] My clipboard!

CHAZ No no no!

You can't pass the velvet rope!

Is nothing sacred anymore?

Cousin!

What the heck...?

It was the little one,

she's so squirrely!

What!?

[MAN SCREAMING]

[GAMMY AG] Here you are. Seconds

away from the biggest moment of your life.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Yeah. You two must

be so so so in love

to get married this fast.

What if marriage

is more than a transaction?

What happens

if I actually love Milton?

How do you define love anyway?

If you want my

definition of love,

it's taking your livestock

to see one last sunset

before slaughter.

Or it's whenever you die

and you go on

and haunt your lover

while they're making pottery

Specific. Or its whenever you

sell your voice to an evil sea witch

so you can get some

time on land for a hunky sailor.

Okay.

Okay, round two.

Let's do it!

[KARLENE]

Yee-haw!

[SOFT COUGHING]

When I first met

Milton and Scarlett,

I was dancing.

I watched her love blossom

these last few hours,

and I'm still dancing.

Show, don't tell!

Now I dance, not for myself,

but for their love.

You know,

we don't really need a speech

about dancing if you

just wanna...

Okay. Do you, Scarlett, take

Milton to be your husband?

I do.

And do you, Milton,

take Scarlett

to be your waifu?

Waifu!

What?

Nice man!

So that's an anime thing.

I'll tell you about it later.

Perfect.

I do.

Badass.

Then unless anyone

objects this union,

by the power vested in me

by the State of Pennsylvania.

I now pronounce you...

Wait!

I... I don't think I can do this.

No.

What do you mean?

First wedding I've officiated

where the wife objects.

Called it!

I called it.

I...

I wish that my sister was here.

You mean the sister

whose wedding you ruined?

Yes, Hayley. That sister.

I guess I just need more time.

I'm so sorry, Milton.

Wait. Scarlett, wait!

Scarlett!

I didn't expect this.

Is anyone getting married today?

I told you.

This is what she does.

Even when they say they do

they don't!

[PAPER TEARS]

[DEWEY, NARRATING]

Dear Diary,

It's me, Dewey!

Everything is going

to plan perfectly!

My dreams are

finally coming true!

This is the best entry

I have ever written!

[DEWEY SQUEALS

WITH JOY]

But alas!

Kate!

Why are you not answering

my cries?

[MUFFLED WAILING]

I love you.

[DEWEY, NARRATING]

Why are you still so foolishly

in love with that

indefensible Chaff!?

Wait, that's not Chaff.

Can we switch over to...

No, that's not Chaff, either!

[SCARLETT GRUNTS]

Yes!

Oh, thou sneaky

devourer of care.

Truly Ive proved that

I'm the loyal

lettuce-licker she deserves.

[EVIL LAUGH]

Can you believe that

two weddings broke up today?

That happens to half of

the weddings I ordain.

Where do you live?

Everywhere and anywhere.

I'm like a stripper in the wind.

[WIND WHISTLING]

I mean, you have

the body for it.

And the moves.

And the mind.

[SOFT GIGGLES]

Sorry that you couldn't be

my best man today, Gammy Ag.

Guess it wasn't meant to be.

Not with that attitude.

Did she say she loves you?

Yeah.

And did you tell her?

[SNEAKY MUSIC]

MILTON

Can I see that microphone?

No man, Im working here.

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

I need to see the microphone!

Thanks a lot, y'all,

for helping me get Milton back.

Yeah. Gotta settle

the score, Cuz.

[POPCORN CRUNCHING]

Hey its my wedding man!

I can do any

public announcement I want!

[NERVOUS MOAN]

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

Since I have

everybody's attention

There's an announcement

I'd like to make.

[SNAP OF BALLOON TIE]

[TENSE MUSIC]

Chaz.

Chaz, what are you doing?

Yo, you ruined my

wife's wedding.

Now I'm going to ruin yours.

[CROWD GASPS]

Dude! Kate doesn't deserve

what happened to her today.

I know she's a lot sometimes.

I know she talks

when the game is on.

Talks more when it goes off.

Always stealing the covers

from me in the winter.

Cuddling super hard

with me in the summer.

I get it. I know she's a lot.

I know she's a handful,

but she's my handful, all right?

Now your wife's going to pay.

Chill!

[INTENSE VIOLIN MUSIC BUILDS]

[SCARLETT, YELLING]

Chaz, that's not me!

[SLOW MOTION WHOOSH]

[MILTON, YELLING]

OHH!

[WATER BALLOON

SPLATTERS]

[CROWD GASPS

AND GROANS]

[DRAMATIC

VIOLIN MUSIC]

Oh sh*t.

[CROWD REACTS]

HAYLEY Was that maple syrup?

[FOOTSTEPS

RUNNING AWAY]

Oh, Kate.

Number two:

Protect the Dress

Oh my God!

Baby, what happened?

Who did this?

That's not important, babe.

Who brings maple syrup

to a wedding?

DEWEY Chaff!

Again, not important.

Why are you eating their food?

I just wanted

roasted vegetables.

Babe, these are

meat-based vegetables.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, this day

cant get any worse.

Chaz, tell me now.

Who did this?

Calm down babe.

Who?

DEWEY Him!

Come on, you cowards!

Was it you, Maria?

DEWEY Him!

You're all wussies.

I can see it on your faces.

You know who did this

now tell me who!

DEWEY Chaff!

DEWEY The groom did it!

[INTENSE MUSIC]

Chaz?

DEWEY Yes!

Yeah babe.

This was you?

It was babe,

but I was doing this for you.

I was aiming for

Scarlett's head.

You would just so happen

to be in a wedding dress.

I can't do this anymore.

This day has been a disaster

with your stupid competition

and your stupid house.

I'm done.

Everyone else can get us married

as they want.

I'm done.

[DEWEY, LAUGHING]

Yeah!

Hey Scarlett,

can we talk?

Yes, but I really have to go

take care of that

human McGriddle first.

Yeah.

Now I want pancakes.

Meat-based pancakes!

Yeah, greatest idea ever!

[BOTH]

Yum yum yum!

Oh my God, Kate,

I'm so sorry.

I did not mean for

things to go that far.

You weren't even supposed to

have things today to begin with.

Why can't you do anything right?

Why do you have to be

such a d*ck about everything?

This is your wedding day.

It should be about love and you've

been so spiteful about every little detail.

Because I'm scared.

I did everything in my power

to make sure it was perfect

and beautiful and romantic.

And I still got smashed

with a maple syrup balloon.

Yeah, it's pretty epic.

Of course you would say that.

You know, you made plenty of

my days growing up pretty rough.

And it's not like you

ever apologized.

I'm sorry. Congratulations.

You got back at me for trying

to make you a better person.

You weren't trying to make me

a better person.

You were trying

to make me a different person.

I am not like you.

Whatever, Scarlett, okay?

You win.

You made the most

important day of my life

about you.

Now, please, just take the hint

and leave me alone.

Kate!

[DOOR SLAMS]

[ANGELIC CHORDS]

Five. Six. Seven. Eight.

Make up. MILTON If you weren't being

such a selfish as*h*le, [AUDIENCE GASPS]

we wouldn't

be in this situation.

Dude, if I didn't treat you

like an as*h*le,

you'd still be breastfeeding

until this day.

[AUDIENCE REACTS]

The two of you, shut

your adorable mouths!

I'll shut my mouth when he's off

my future property.

For what it's worth,

Chaz took longer

to wean off the nip.

But Milton took longer to

potty train.

And today

your both being babies.

You're being a big baby today.

You're a bigger baby.

Both of you!

Listen to me right now!

You go inside the house,

and you don't come out

until you've made up.

Do you understand me?

But Mom!

No!

You both disappointed me today.

You go inside and

you talk it out.

Do you understand?

Yes, Mom. I'm the

favorite. Dont forget that.

Go inside!

[ANGELIC CHORDS]

Just make up already.

[SCRUBBING SOUNDS]

You can barely bathe yourself

and you're going to wash

a wedding dress?

I lived at a campsite once

with a bunch of river birches,

and I was constantly

covered in sap,

so I picked up a few tricks.

See?

KATE Wow, it's coming out.

Man, we really messed up

with our fiances.

Yeah, it's mostly my fault, too.

Man, I should've

just let you have the house.

Nah, I mean, dude,

it was a bad deal.

We shouldn't have been

fighting over our house.

I'm glad you stood up

for yourself.

Is that really how

you wanted to get married?

Last minute and

covered in toilet paper?

I don't know.

Its always something I thought

Mom would take the lead on.

Yeah. Me too.

You didn't seem to care

about her being around today.

Scarlett.

Of course I cared.

I wanted her here today

more than anything.

That's why I insisted on there

being button chrysanthemums.

Those were her favorite!

Yeah. I just wanted a little

piece of mom around, you know?

So is that why

you're such an as*h*le to me?

Tough love?

No.

I'm just annoying and

I love annoying you.

[CHAZ GIGGLES]

And you make this face.

There you go, right there.

Like this.

This is the face.

That's the face.

I wanted you there so bad.

[SOFT MUSIC STARTS]

And I will be.

When the time is right.

Family is the

most important thing

[SCARLETT GIGGLES]

[DEEP BASS RUMBLES]

Leave the cordial liquor alone!

Then give me the rude liquor!

No one gets a drink

until someone gets hitched!

[CROWD CHANTS]

Booze or death! Booze or death!

Booze or death!

Kate, there you go.

What a disaster.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC

STARTS]

Look, I know that this backyard

wedding took us for a spin.

But can we try again?

What if this was all just

a bad omen for our marriage?

Like I said when I proposed,

Every day with you has been

the single best day of my life

Including today.

You are my good

O-woman

No.

No puns, no dancing.

I do not like it.

You're going to like this.

Kate Fisher,

Will you marry me again?

Finally?

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

[HAPPY SIGHS]

After today,

we can face any disaster.

[HOSE SPRAYS]

[YELLING]

[CROWD CHANTING]

Give us booze! Give us booze!

All right, stop!

[DJ, OVER PA]

Ladies, Im here!

I can protect the fort, too!

Isnt your name

DJ Drinks-A Lot?

Yeah that was just the name

my grandma gave me.

People like to hire DJs

that drink a lot.

I don't know why.

Ive been clean for 5 years.

Oh wow, good for you!

Thank you.

Give us booze! [DJ,

OVER PA] Listen everybody!

Now listen.

I was in AA for many years.

I worked for AAA.

Thank you for your service.

But! You do not need alcohol

to enjoy a lovely wedding.

MCMOODLE

True, Preach! Preach!

[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

I will say

it certainly does help

with awkward conversations,

social anxiety,

or with family members

you only see once a year.

Speak for yourself, McMoodle.

Give us booze! Give us booze!

Its over.

You're on your own.

Pew pew pew pew!

So you actually love

that weirdo?

Yeah. He's my kind of weird.

And being with him kind of

makes me want to get weirder.

Seeing you two together

you are the perfect weird.

I gotta go apologize to him.

Wait, what is

your favorite color?

Orange.

That's way worse than turquoise.

Their chants are

getting progressively worse!

All I want is a screwdriver!

Is that so hard?

I have a screwdriver.

I was building a birdhouse.

I'm going to take care

of all of you, just

No one can argue with the

mother of the groom today.

Margaret.

Yes?

I love you. But we

are all about to k*ll you!

Hey! No one argues with

the mother of the grooms!

Yes, what she said.

[CROWD CHANTING]

Booze or death! Booze or death!

SCARLETT Hi.

So Im sorry about the whole

running away

from the altar thing.

I'd rather you be honest

and do something you regret.

No, I wasn't... I didn't...

I still want to make this work.

I'm in, if you're in?

And I get it.

And so I'm going to go die.

I'm in.

Seashells.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC

STARTS]

That's perfect.

Thor? Because

you're my Thor-ever?

Nerds!

Well work on it. Almost there.

So I decided because I'm

so kind and generous.

And I make more than

both of you combined.

You should have the house.

No, we're not going to

take it from you.

What? No.

Yall should have it.

No bro, yall should.

No, you should.

[CROWD, OFFSCREEN]

Give us booze! Give us booze!

Somebody should do something.

Booze or death!

I have an idea.

[HAYLEY, SINGING]

I got them ribs up on the racks.

[HENRY, SINGING]

Stacks and stacks of baby backs.

I smoke it slow

and smoke it through.

All I want is barbecue!

[GIGGLING]

Haley, it's go time!

Go find those

button chrysanthemums.

[HANDCUFFS UNLOCKING]

So now you need my help?

Your cousin, who has known

you since you were born

and on the most

important day of your life

you handcuff me to a stripper?

Seems like you had a

pretty good time.

I suddenly feel so naked.

Tell me about it.

[DOOR SQUEAKING] [MARGARET,

GASPING] Father OConner!

[TRANQUIL SPA MUSIC]

There you are!

We've been looking for

you all day!

Just a minute.

I'm almost done with

this deep clean.

Father, your skin does

look radiant.

Why thank you.

Although I don't know

if I can keep up

with this aggressive

skin regimen.

[SOFTLY]

Oh.

[PAPER RUSTLING]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC

STARTS]

Do you think it's cool we got

our grandmother as our best man?

Just another thing to

cross off the bucket list.

That's my boy.

That's my boy.

[DJ, YELLING]

Pew pew pew pew!

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to ring those

wedding bells!

'Cause we got two weddings?

Oh, man.

This is sure to go well.

[DJ, SINGING]

Pew, pew pew-pew!

[TO WEDDING MARCH MELODY]

Pew, pew, pew-pew!

[DJ, YELLING] Everybody! [CROWD

JOINS IN] Pew, pew pew-pew, pew

I wish I told him

not to do that.

I kinda like it.

Wait, Scarlett.

[PEW PEWING CONTINUES

IN BACKGROUND]

[CROWD SINGING]

Pew pew, pew, pew-pew!

You may all be seated, please.

You two choose wisely.

[SNIFFLES]

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today

for the holy matrimony of

Chaz Boadu and Kate Fisher.

[AUDIENCE SNIFFLES]

And the holy matrimony

of Milton Boadu

and Scarlett Fisher.

[DEWEY WAILS]

Now. Are you all

ready to say I do?

I do.

I do.

I do.

I do. Then by the power vested

in me by the State of Maryland

What? Maryland?

[CROWD MURMURS]

This isnt Maryland!

Just a little joke there, son.

[SCARLETT CHUCKLES]

Not funny.

Gimme that! By the power vested

in me by the State of Pennsylvania,

I now pronounce you

husbands and wives.

The husbands can now

kiss the brides.

Should we all kiss

at the same time?

How does this work?

You guys wanted to marry first.

Yeah, y'all should go first.

[KATE AND CHAZ]

Okay.

[GENTLE KISS]

[POLITE REACTIONS]

[TRIUMPHANWEDDING MUSIC]

Okay lets show them

how its done.

[LOUD SMOOCHING]

[CROWD WHISTLES AND CHEERS]

[FATHER OCONNER]

Okay.

[TRAP REMIX OF

WEDDING MARCH]

I'm so sorry I ruined today.

Who cares?

We're married!

Love you!

[TRAP MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CROWD PARTYING]

I can't believe it.

She actually went through

with marrying you.

Yeah.

But if she's happy,

I'm happy.

Look bro, I know what

you see in Kate.

You see the same thing

that I saw in her.

Let me tell you, man,

it's unhealthy

to pine for another man's wife.

Pine?

We're just work friends, bro.

Wanna dance?

Go dance.

Thanks, Chaz.

[MUSIC SURGES]

[OVER-THE-TOP GRUNTING]

[CLARA, IMPRESSED]

Ooh...

I hated you so much.

I hated you.

I hated you!

I hated all of you guys!

But now I don't hate you.

I just had to do a job.

All's well

that drinks well, girl.

[GLASS CLINKS]

[DEWEY, NARRATING]

And they danced

through the night. Unfettered,

unburdened of any grudges

that plagued their love

for each other.

And I, Dewey,

though I lost a bride

have gained a bridesmaid.

Clara, with a C!

These next pages are for us,

my love.

Or maybe I should get

a new book.

[DEWEY GASPS]

With new stickers!

[SOFT MOANING]

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

[JOYFUL SQUEAL]

[PLASTIC CUP KICKS OVER]

Best day of my life.

To new family!

[SQUEALS OF JOY]

[SOFT PARTY MUSIC PLAYS]

Yo, this you?

[MAN PURRS]

[DJ, OVER PA]

You don't have to go home

but you cant stay here.

The cell phones!

Unless you're married.

You didn't

throw them in the lake.

Then I guess you live here.

Nah dude, these are expensive.

Well, you've really

outdone yourself.

Thank you.

Dont mention it.

Henry, Henry!

I'm so sorry. I totally forgot

I had to give you a ride.

Just give me, like, ten minutes

and I'll get you.

Hey, you remembered my name!

Its okay.

I can take him back.

Okay. Okay.

You do you, boo-boos.

This feels weird.

Yeah it does.

Wanna?

More than anything.

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

[GIGGLES]

HENRY You're adorable.

HAYLEY You too!

This is a big house, so I'm sure

well all have plenty

of room to live in it.

I will be putting a limit

on animes

watched in the living room. Oh my God,

worry about anime arrangements later.

All right, so the kitchen

and the living room

will be our communal space.

Other than that,

well take this half of the house

and you guys can have that half.

That sounds totally fair

Sounds good.

[FOOTSTEPS ON

METAL STAIRS]

Well, now that

the house is settled

and you're all married,

there's something else I want

to show you from your dad.

SCARLETT Oh, buckle up.

Please. No.

Mom what are you doing?

[PROJECTION SCREEN

SLIDES DOWN]

There's something else

I want to show you on the DVD.

Mom...

[TENSE MUSIC]

STEVE Hello again.

Chaz or Milton

and spouse of Chaz or Milton.

Congrats. I have one

more thing to tell you about.

No pressure.

Chaz or Milton,

but as soon as you give

your mother a grandchild,

you can have the beach house.

I love that beach house.

If she loves that beach house,

I really love that beach house.

Well, good luck!

And I look forward to seeing

you all at a baby shower.

We got a head

start this morning.

Let's get you

that beach house, Seashells.

Oh my God, that's so perfect!

Let's get out of here

and show them how

getting pregnant is done.

SCARLETT I guess we can

start our honeymoon!

KATE Scarlett, you can't

steal my honeymoon, too!

SCARLETT Suck it!

MILTON

Can we do that thing again?

[MUSIC CRESCENDOS]

SCARLETT I love you.

[MUSIC ENDS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC

STARTS]

[MUSIC FADES OUT]