01x03 - Don't get a boyfriend, please!

[bunniefuu]

She's your mother,

and she always will be.

I think she'll be happy that there

are adults around to take care of you

when she can't.

I'll pick you up in two hours,

if I don't hear anything.

Everything will all be all right.

Okay?

You have 13 missed calls from

"Hanna, my favorite daughter."

She wrote that herself.

But you haven't changed it.

Are you sure

I shouldn't come with you?

-Yeah.

-Good luck, then.

You're brave and great. Okay?

-Hello?

-Hi.

-What's up with

-Pørni, come home right now.

Hanna's a complete wreck.

SUCK IT UP

And he's hooked up with Maja,

who's a sophomore at Nissen.

A sophomore.

And everybody knew about it.

Everybody! And nobody said a thing.

And if I'd gone

on the trip to Hemsedal

instead of Sigrid's birthday,

I would've known, too.

Instead, I had to read it on Jodel.

I just don't understand

why you're so upset about it.

Everybody knew

that Sander is a moron

when he didn't go to the hospital

with Emma, but he's Emma's boyfriend.

Are you Ret*rded?

If she finds out,

and I'll have to tell her,

then she won't want to go

to Argentina with me.

She'll go with him to Bali

to do her pre-college courses

because she can't trust him.

And then the whole year

is f*cked for me.

You could go alone.

Lots of people do that.

I went to France alone

when I was your age.

When you were young, there wasn't

any g*ng r*pe or party drugs.

No, honey, the year you've spent here

hasn't been wasted.

You've worked and saved money

for something you want,

and that's good when

you start looking for a job.

But that's the point!

I haven't saved any money.

You haven't saved any money?

In eight months?

I went on the Easter vacation

to Italy that Herman paid for,

and now he wants the money back,

but I didn't know the hotel

would cost 2,000 kroner a night.

Didn't you stay in a youth hostel?

Yeah, we did at first,

but it was so creepy,

and everybody wanted to move,

and it wasn't a problem for Herman,

since he had his father's gold card.

I didn't realize it was so expensive.

And now I owe him for,

like, 12 nights.

How much do you owe him?

Twenty-four thousand.

-And you've saved up how much?

-Thirteen and a half.

Mom, where are you going?

I can't talk to you right now

because I'm so mad at you

I'd say something really stupid.

Don't leave while I'm upset.

You made me come home from work

to tell me some idiotic story

about how you're upset because

Emma got ditched by her boyfriend,

but really you've just been

on a vacation you couldn't afford.

We'll talk about this,

but not right now.

-Pørni! Can I ask you something?

-Sure.

I really want you to meet Stephen.

-Can I invite him to dinner?

-I'm at work now.

A boy is visiting his mom in prison,

and he hasn't seen her in two years!

Then I'm sure he can wait

four more minutes.

Of course we can have Stephen over,

but let's talk about it later, okay?

Mom!

I'm so alone

Hi.

-How'd it go? What did she say?

-She said she was fine.

She asked me if I had any money,

and then she said goodbye.

Yeah, she's not too verbal, your mom.

They have a dog, you know.

Your foster family.

They've got a dog.

Cool.

-How was Madrid?

-It was good.

We slept together,

which was the point, of course.

For two minutes.

It was an expensive lay.

Really expensive hotel.

How's my beloved godchild?

You can adopt her anytime you want.

Okay, now I'm stalking

Municipal-Bjørnar on Face.

He's cute.

He has twins, he's really pretty,

and he's 13 years younger than me.

Wow! That much younger?

This one guy I'm seeing is 27.

The stamina he's got

I'm almost worn out.

It's like, four times a night.

-Four times in one night?

-Yeah.

The only thing I'm not sure of is

whether we're bacterially compatible.

-No!

-What was that?

-It hurts a little when I pee.

-Okay, thanks for sharing.

You need to get that checked.

Seriously. And if you have

something, it'll spread,

the way you're going.

-No, she uses a condom.

-She doesn't.

Oh, Christ You know who

you remind me of?

You remind me of Anna Lena,

who I went to law school with.

She's a cat lady now.

She got lactose intolerant

and had to move to Nittedal,

and now she has ten cats. Ten cats!

And you're on your way to becoming

one of them!

-Raincoat and short hair.

-Jesus Christ!

-You have the exact same jacket.

-Yeah!

-It's true.

-It's exactly the same.

I don't get it.

Is there less lactose in Nittedal?

I'm just messing with you.

I'm just saying chlamydia isn't

so appealing at age 45.

Oh, God. What if that's what it is?

If you don't use condoms,

it's obviously chlamydia.

Okay! I'll get my act together!

I know you don't have the nerve

to approach Municipal-Bjørnar,

but could you please get up

on the horse again, Pørni?

How would I do that?

Am I supposed to hang around Villa,

20 years older than everybody else?

Find a 52-year-old, then,

if that's so important.

And you don't have to go out

on the town.

I know someone you could go

on a blind date with.

A guaranteed lay.

Newly-divorced marching-band dad.

Forty-seven years old.

His name's Kjetil.

Three kids.

Really good conversationalist.

-Very fit.

-I couldn't handle that.

-Cabin up at Tjøme.

-No, I think his wife got that.

That's right.

Okay, but he's a stomach surgeon.

-Stomach surgeon?

-Gastric surgeon.

They earn really good money.

-I'll set you up on a blind date.

-No, hold on, don't do that.

You have two good years left

when you can still get laid,

and you're throwing them away.

Is that the rule?

That at 47,

nobody will want to sleep with you?

-There's research.

-What kind of research?

Just ordinary research.

From Municipal-Bjørnar:

Are you ghosting me?

The kids are away.

We could pick up where we left off.

I've washed my pants.

Come on, Korsvoll!

-Where'd you get that?

-I won it.

Come on, boys! Move those legs!

Go Korsvoll!

Come on, Leo! You can do it!

Yes!

There's only one Leo Storli

One Leo Storli

There's only one Leo Storli

Oh my God! sh*t!

Get up.

-Why did you do that?

-I don't know.

There has to be a reason.

-I don't know.

-Are you angry about something?

Dad texted me.

He said he probably

won't go have to go to prison.

He said it like I should be happy

about it or something.

I wrote an angry reply.

I said I hoped

he'd get 20 years in prison,

and that he should have died

instead of Mom.

He's paralyzed.

I can't get mad at a guy

in a wheelchair.

Of course you can be angry

at your dad,

even if he's in a wheelchair.

You can be as angry as you want,

but when that guy has calmed down,

you need to call him and say sorry

for your moronic behavior.

-You can't say "moronic."

-Okay.

But I don't want you to use

the sad situation you're in

to legitimize such Ret*rded behavior.

I'm sorry,

I shouldn't say "Ret*rded."

You look like Mom when you're mad.

So do you, when you're mad.

And when you score.

-Hey.

-Hi.

-Everything okay?

-He has to sit out a match or two.

I would have done the same if anyone

called my mom a handball wh*re.

What?

He must have thought

you were his mother.

I'll call back as soon as possible.

Hi.

I just wanted to say

that Leo played a match today.

And they won 22-11.

But Leo

Yeah.

He scored five goals.

Okay. Bye.

Hey, guys. if you spread out

a little more, it'll be easier.

From Municipal-Bjørnar:

I've jettisoned my pride,

and I'm asking again.

Do you want to meet tomorrow?

-I can't do it!

-I have to fix it.

Sigrid's crying because she lost.

I may have been a little rough,

but could you go in and

Yes! You just put them in the ring

and fix the mistake.

Calm down. It's just a game.

Sigrid, it's just a game.

There's no sense in losing your mind.

-She's a sore loser.

-Everybody here is a sore loser.

Leo? I've arranged for you

to visit your dad tomorrow.

Okay.

-I can drive you.

-Fine.

Good night.

I've been to all the TGI Friday's

and two Joe & The Juices,

but only boys work there.

Have you tried the one at Gardermoen?

No, it's 40 minutes by train

plus the subway to the city.

Yeah, so what?

It's so cringe

when you speak English.

My point is that you've tried

two restaurant chains.

You haven't tried supermarkets

or other after-school programs.

What about retirement homes?

Why are you focusing

on two restaurants?

Because I'm good

at working with people.

There are people

in retirement homes too.

And the pay's good if you work

evenings and nights.

I'm so sick of you talking to me

like I'm 12 years old.

I'm actually old enough to vote.

And you forgot to

in the last election.

And when they call from AKS,

you're too hungover to take shifts.

I'll treat you like an adult

when you act like one.

Everybody else gets jobs

from their parents!

It's really hard to get a job

without experience.

And you can't get experience

without a job.

Congratulations on being 45

and having f*cking everything.

Don't leave in the middle

of a conversation!

Hey! Hanna!

Mom, I'm psychologically exhausted

and need to lie down.

I think I'm getting ME.

-If you get ME, you're moving out.

-I can't move out if I have ME!

We're a little alike, you know.

We're both hot-headed.

It might be smart not to act

on absolutely every feeling.

You'll just feel stupid afterwards.

I called and apologized

to that Aurskog-Øland as*h*le.

Sure, and that's great, but Bror

told me what he said about me,

or about your mom.

It would be good to not be as

easily offended as Zinedine Zidane.

You don't have to

-It's okay to ignore certain things.

-Are you speaking symbolically?

Am I easily offended

just because I think it sucks

that my dad k*lled my mom?

No, I'm not talking symbolically,

I'm talking about the handball game.

The thing with your dad is

a little more complicated.

-Should I go with you?

-No, I'll handle this alone.

Tell him you had a song

on the radio contest.

That will make him proud.

I'm very proud of you.

By the way, I don't agree with

the Zinedine Zidane business.

Boys who defend their mothers

are nice to other girls too.

That's what I've read.

Hi.

Hi.

-Hi, it's me.

-Hi, you.

I thought you'd blocked me.

No. I just wanted let you know

that I can take that beer today.

Yeah, okay.

-If you want to.

-Yeah.

I've got something else going on now.

I'm watching the game at Pokalen.

When you didn't answer,

I took it as a hint.

Okay, yeah. I'm sorry,

things have just been kind of hectic.

But if it's okay with you,

maybe I could join you at Pokalen?

Yeah, sure. I'm going with

the new lawyer, the one at work.

She doesn't know

many people. Therese.

But it's great if you can come too.

No, we can have a beer another time.

I don't want to get in the way

of anything.

No, it's not like that,

it's just a soccer match.

Have fun. We'll talk later.

Okay, bye.

From Municipal-Bjørnar:

What just happened?

I'm old and ugly,

and my t*ts are too long for you.

No worries! Have fun!

I need a little confidence boost.

Think the stomach surgeon

wants to go out for a beer tonight?

Yes, he's been asking about it

every day!

Mom, are you ready?

Aren't you leaving soon?

-I'm putting on my make-up, Hanna.

-But I have to pee!

-Go upstairs.

-Leo's up there.

I'm putting my make-up on.

Just wait until he's done.

By the way, I can start working

at McDonald's next week.

-That's great.

-But it sucks. I'm a vegetarian.

-No, you're not.

-But I'm becoming one.

Okay, good luck with that.

From Astrid: Help yourself

to the buffet. Good luck!

To Municipal-Bjørnar: Sorry for just

hanging up. See you at work!

Okay, you two. I'm out of here.

What's happened here?

Did you clean up?

You look great.

You don't look old at all.

Why are there candles burning?

Do you think I'll pay your debt

to Herman or something?

What are you talking about?

I'm babysitting Sigrid.

I work hard for the 120 kroner

I get per hour.

I've cleaned, emptied the dishwasher

and started a load of laundry.

You look really pretty. You should

wear that lipstick all the time.

-I scrubbed the stove.

-No, you didn't.

You want me to contribute more.

Go out and meet your "girlfriends"

and take them by storm.

-Please don't get a boyfriend.

-No!

Of course I'm not going

to get a boyfriend.

I'm just going out for a beer.

Can't you rent a movie?

On iTunes. Grandpa is on

a camping trip with Stephen,

so call me if you need anything,

or even better, don't call me.

Bye. Have fun!

-When are they coming?

-If you tell Mom, I'm not paying you.

I'm not a snitch.

I work hard for my pay too.

You can always find time

to exercise.

What Silje and I did,

when we were together,

was after everybody had gone to bed,

I put the bike in the car

and drove down to the hospital,

left the bike there

and ran to the hospital the next day.

That's about an hour and a half.

Silje took the kids in the morning,

and I biked home from work.

Then there was homework, dinner

and the marching band.

And then up again to Sognsvann.

The length of Sognsvann.

Four lengths, or five.

Intervals if possible, 30-30,

while Silje put the kids to bed.

Then I went back home,

everyone went to bed,

and I drove the bike

to the hospital.

Same thing the next morning.

Except on Sundays,

which are for restoration.

Proper nutrition, you know.

Building yourself up.

Now it's just every other week,

but in the even-numbered weeks

I actually work out even more, so

-It's possible.

-Yeah.

Is it stressful? Or is it worth it?

Worth it? What, are you crazy?

Just imagine.

The Norseman, for instance. They say

it's the world's hardest triathlon.

When you take 43rd place

after having placed 81st

in the biking

You've overtaken 38 guys just

in the running.

The feeling when you cross

the finish line

It's just

It's pure euphoria.

How long does that last?

It lasts for at least

four minutes. Or let's say two.

Right.

Then you start thinking

about the next year.

What about you?

What about you and exercise?

Do you work out?

I haven't worked out much lately

because I had a little knee surgery,

but I do enjoy going skiing

in the winter and

-What do you do in the winter?

-Winter triathlons.

Right.

-Should we order more drinks?

-I could have another.

Right. We'll take two more, then.

That wasn't why we got divorced.

Silje loved to work out, but

When you're putting your hand up

people's anuses year after year,

you don't have the energy

to get into your wife's pants.

I'm just kidding. Humor is important

in my line of work.

How about we just get a taxi

and go to your place and screw?

Yeah.

Can we get the check?

I'll just go get it.

I tried to, like, get out of it.

But it's impolite to refuse.

I learned that from you.

You have to include everyone.

You understand my dilemma?

In a way, it was a moral dilemma,

and a question of social class.

Should I have thrown out people

from the east side or the west side?

And then the neighbor starts to chew

me out because we woke his dog.

Did you come home just now?

No. I went out to water the grass.

Aren't you going to yell at me?

Say something, Pørni!

I get scared

when you don't yell at me!

What's happened to you?

You look totally wrecked.

That'll be 2,750, divided by two,

and I didn't have dessert,

so if you pay me 1,500,

we'll be even-steven.

From Municipal-Bjørnar:

Open bar at my place! Please come!

Aren't you going to yell at me?

Mom!

First you want to come along,

then you don't.

I don't understand this at all!

I'll send you the bill

for the cab fare.

If I knew it would be like this,

I'd have biked.

Yell at me, Mom. Please!

I'm hungry.

Hello?

Sorry. I have to keep it on.

Yeah, okay. I'm just going to

I've opened it.

I'll put it on again. There.

-This has to come off.

-Okay.

-I'll take the job at McDonald's.

-Can I have pancakes for breakfast?

Won't you scold me?

Yell at me. You're scaring me.

Go make Sigrid pancakes

for breakfast.

Clean up,

and we'll forget all this, okay?

And I'll pay what you owe Herman.

I'm getting money back on my taxes.

Can I have chocolate milk too?

Yes! f*ck!

Watch your language.

Tough one.

-Drop the bra next time.

-No.

My boobs are too long.

Show me a man in this world

who doesn't love long boobs.

From Municipal-Bjørnar:

What's not to love!

Hi!

How did it go?

Did you pass in math?

-I got a 4 in math.

-What?

That's amazing.

You'll get into Katta, if you want.

I'm not sure I want to.

I don't really fit in there.

You can do whatever you want to,

but I think you'd like it there.

Can't you visit the school?

I know the guidance counselor there,

so I can come with you.

Yeah, okay.

I'm so proud of you.

A 4 in math!

You'd never have believed that

when you met me five years ago.

Sure I would.

I hope you're really proud

of yourself too?

You realize you've done this

all by yourself, right?

I know that all this

is just a job for you,

but if it hadn't been for you

Anyway

Should we go and visit

your new foster parents?