01x05 - Castle Crawl

[bunniefuu]

[electricity crackling]

Hmm. Got a low signal

coming from that house.

Why is this neighborhood

always so glitchy?

I don't know, Bergy,

but our gauntlets

don't get much signal out here.

[gauntlet beeping]

Scanning for a signature

[clock chimes]

Hmm, weird taste in furniture.

[gauntlets beeping]

Uh-oh, getting a power drain.

Me, too. Not loving that.

Don't get creeped, Bergy.

We can recharge at HQ after the mission.

I am not creeped.

I am simply experiencing

a small peak in anxiety.

[exclaims] Found the source:

glitchy game console.

Of course, 'cause they blocked the vents.

'Cause nobody respects the vents.

Oh, check out what game they were playing.

Castlestein.

-[exclaims]

-Whoa!

Okay now I'm creeped!

[glitch laughs evilly]

[Glitch Techs scream]

-[games beeping]

-[Five] Yes, collected all the shmoogs.

Now, for the third warp.

Oh, don't miss the Easter egg,

under the last ring in the chain.

[game beeping]

[chuckles] Wow. How'd you know about that?

Found it on my second playthrough.

-You already beat this game?

-You know how it is.

Till I've totally beaten a game,

I just can't move on to the next one.

Sure, yeah. [scoffs]

I know how that is. [chuckles]

-So you've beaten every game?

-Well, not, like, every game.

[chuckles] Oh, okay.

-Just the ones I've tried.

-[gulps and groans]

[bee buzzes]

All right, you two,

I've got a mission for ya.

-[Miko] Whoo! Yeah!

-Yeah!

Okay, here's the dealio:

Nix and Bergy have gone AFK on a case.

Can't raise them on gauntlets,

so I need a B Team to go in after them.

Really? We're the B Team?

Well, figuratively, you're the B Team.

Literally, you're the D Team.

But ya work with

the tools you've got, right?

Dude, that's us! We're the tools!

Yes! [giggles]

Wonderful.

Now, according to our data,

you're facing a Mapper glitch,

capable of laying video game maps

over real-life environments.

The glitch you'll face in that house

is the game itself.

So, you beat the game,

you beat the glitch. Capisce?

We totally capisce it!

Yeah, which game is it again?

Yeah, it was hard to make it out

from their last transmission.

Something like Castlegrime, or--

O-M-squee! I love Castlestein!

Yeah. Totally beat that one.

Creaking door. [laughs]

It's gonna take more than that

to freak us

Oh. Okay, that's kinda creepy.

[thunder crashes]

[birds chirping]

[Five] Whoa.

Seems like these graphic maps

are only located inside the house.

Map, no map.

Map, no map.

Map, no map.

[chuckles] Map, no map.

Thanks for clearing that up, Miko.

Let's find those other Techs

and bust this glitch.

[Miko giggles]

Ah! I can't believe it!

We're actually inside

the castle from Castlestein!

-[gauntlet beeps]

-Phil, are you monitoring this?

[Phil] Yes, but there's a wall

of interference dulling the signal.

[camera shutter clicking]

-[Phil] What do you see?

-[gauntlet beeps]

[Five] Uh walls of interference.

Hey, a Tech gauntlet!

[straining]

[stone cracking]

[grunts]

[yelps]

It's Bergy!

He's stuck. Poor guy.

Totally.

If I were a statue, I woulda tried

to pick a much cooler pose.

[theme song playing]

[man] Who knows what really happens

when a video game starts to glitch?

Here come the Glitch Techs

They know what to do ♪

They got the tech

They got the moves ♪

Glitch Techs

They're the wrecking crew ♪

They'll solve the problem ♪

Glitch Techs

When a glitch is loose ♪

They'll wipe them out

Old school or new ♪

Glitch Techs

Always coming through ♪

To solve the problem ♪

Glitch Techs

Whoa! ♪

Glitch Techs! ♪

Yeah! ♪

Is he okay?

-Apart from being a human statue?

-[gauntlet beeps]

[snoring]

He's asleep in there.

Phil, we found Bergy.

What? I'm losing your signal.

-Eh, these stupid

-[Miko] Phil?

Ugh. Better get clear

of all this interference.

[rumbling]

[Five gasps]

This is probably why

the other Techs lost contact.

-[gauntlets beeping]

-Huh.

We're gonna have to power down

until we get some more signal.

[scoffs] No problem.

Phil said if we beat the game,

we beat the glitch.

And everyone's beaten Castlestein, right?

[chuckles nervously] Yeah, totally.

Come on!

Looks like it's game on, partner!

The glitchy graphic maps have turned

this whole place

into a real-life castle crawler!

Ha! That was just like the game!

Does that mean

we can really loot this stuff?

[laughs] Watchah!

Now that we're

actually in a game like this,

you can see how goofy it really is.

[chuckles] Oh! And the game's villain was,

like, a total cheeseball, too, remember?

[chuckles] He had, like,

the dumbest bad guy laugh.

[mimics laugh]

[voice laughs evilly]

Who dare disturbs my dark slumber?

[Miko] Whoa.

It's him! Count Nogrog!

-What's he waiting for?

-The dialogue!

[clears throat]

Vile creature, I am here to end

your reign and save humanity!

[whispering] Now it's his line.

Humanity? I laugh!

What is a mortal

but a pile of petty vanities?

[Miko giggles]

[whispering] Your line.

Oh, uh

You may rule the darkness, but, um

Something, something light!

Your challenge is acceptance!

But bewared!

For when the bells toll negative midnight,

you shall join my collection

forever!

[Miko] Whoa!

-[Nogrog laughs]

-[Miko screams]

[Five] Whoa!

Heads up! Get it? [chuckles]

It's the Skele-Tomes!

[roars]

Their spines are book spines.

[straining]

[giggles]

Right, it's all coming back to me.

Aw, yeah! I got the spiky stick!

[both grunting]

I got a bent sword?

-[growls]

-[gasps]

[Five grunting]

[Miko] You're keeping that?

[scoffs] When I played,

I just threw that thing away.

No way, dude. You gotta keep all the loot.

After all, it can't hurt--

-[metal clangs]

-[exclaims]

[groans]

Don't say a word.

But the irony Okay, fine, let's go.

This way!

Other way!

[Five grunting]

[laughs] Vámonos, Miko!

-Whoo-hoo!

-[Miko] Aw, dude!

[Five laughs] Yeah!

-You don't need to loot every torch.

-[softly] Yes, I do.

Look! It's that one treasure chest

you can't ever reach!

-Pretty kooky game design, huh?

-[chuckles] Yeah. You fell for that, too?

That is so Castlestein.

[chiptune music playing]

Whoa! You just won the lootery, dude!

Magnetic gloves! Rare drop.

[chuckles] And these are great

because, um, they're used for

You know

-disarming the Iron Knights!

-Disarming the Iron Knights!

Yep. Totally got that one.

[straining]

Little help here.

Uh Hey, you wanna clear the next room?

Me?

[chuckles nervously] Uh, yeah, girl,

you know I would.

Whatever comes our way,

Five's got your back

from, uh, the front.

[Miko] Mmm-hmm.

Watchah! Bring it on, minions!

Oh, uh, it's the armory

Yeah, gotta get past the mini-boss.

Is that a problem?

Uh, no, I'm k*ll Uh, chill.

Uh, cool. [chuckles]

Cool as a As a coolcumber. [chuckles]

Aah!

Okay, you got this, Five. You can do this.

[blade whirring]

No one defeats the Blade Demon of Truth!

All who try this shall fail!

This was a clever challenge.

Took me a while to finally beat it.

You, may, uh wanna back up.

All you, pro!

Hey, man, you know what time it is?

It's Five-o'clock!

[roars]

[yells]

[exclaims]

[grunts and groans]

Uh, just weakening the defenses.

Uh, BRB.

[grunts and yelps]

[grunting]

[chuckles]

-[whimpers]

-[camera shutter clicks]

Ooh!

[grunting]

[groans]

Whoa!

Okay, Miko, uh, I tired him out,

but, uh, maybe we could use

a tag team here?

Really? Why?

[stammering] Because

-'Cause

-[footsteps thudding]

Uh, because I lied!

Look, I never beat this game,

so if you don't take over right now,

we're gonna end up here stuck forever!

Okay, Miko? Miko!

I never beat the game.

I never beat the game.

Aah!

Huh? Wha Huh?

[laughs] I knew you never beat that game!

You should see your face right now.

It's all like

"Huh? Wha Huh?" [whimpering]

[chuckles]

-That spiked wall was--

-Not so spikey. Who'd a thunk?

So the only way to defeat the Blade Demon

was not to defeat it?

He said it himself.

[imitating Blade Demon]

All who try shall fail.

[in normal voice] Truth.

I was stuck for so long, hating on

this game for being so impossible

when the answer was right in front of me

the whole time.

Look, don't beat yourself up.

That's just Castlestein, man.

It gets in your head.

You could have told me you never

beat this game before, you know.

[sighs] I know.

But you made such a big deal

out of beating every game.

Okay, maybe not every game.

Besides, I wouldn't have

thought any less of you.

-Beating one game isn't that important.

-Yeah, well, I'm gonna beat it now.

Hear that, Castlestein?

I am comin' for you, bro!

[Miko] This elevator goes

to Nogrog's clock tower.

Ready for some classic boss battlin'?

Ready!

[both grunt]

[electricity humming]

[Nogrog exclaims]

The time is nigh

for you to join my collection!

I put my heart and soul in them.

You will enjoy everlasting life

as my toys.

[laughs evilly]

"Time is nigh heart and soul

Mua-ha-ha"

These must be clues to a riddle!

If I fall, you may rise,

but time is always on my sides!

Or maybe this game's dialogue

is just really bad.

Just take my hand, learn the pattern,

and aim for the guy

with the fabulous hair.

Let's do this.

[exclaims]

[Miko and Five grunting]

[dramatic music playing]

-Got the pattern?

-Got it!

[grunts] Now!

No!

-[Five] Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!

-Yes! We did it!

Okay, so this is the coolest.

At this part, the game fades to black.

[Five] And

-that's it?

-That's game.

You, good sir, may now say

you have beaten the 32 bits

of awesome that is Castlestein.

Kaboom!

-[Five] But I still hear the clock.

-[clock ticking]

When you played this before,

was this how your game ended?

[Miko] Well, let me think.

I beat Nogrog, it went dark,

I stood around a while and then

Since there was obviously no way out

of this room, I just, kinda

shut the game off.

You shut it off?

Yes! I shut it off, as in how one

turns off appliances no longer in use

so as to responsibly conserve energy.

Why am I yelling at you?

[Nogrog laughs evilly]

You didn't beat the game.

I did not beat this game.

-So if we didn't beat the game, then

-We didn't beat the glitch.

[Miko gasps]

It's Nix! And A B C!

Oh, wow, I guess

we really were the D Team.

Only now, it's us who are

[gasps]

[slowly] Stuck.

Castlestein!

Okay, okay. We can figure this out.

Uh, if the game didn't end,

that means that the Nogrog we just fought

must have been a fake or a decoy.

Everything in my life

up to this point has been a lie.

I am a lie.

Look, you said it yourself,

this game gets in your head.

All we gotta do is

What are you doing?

I'm just trying to figure out

which pose to take

before we're frozen

for all eternity. [chuckles]

Does this look cooler? Or this?

Miko

[chuckles nervously] Yes, you're right.

I should think about comfort.

Eternity's a long time. [chuckles]

Come on, snap out of it!

We need the Miko who doesn't give up,

the Miko that hurls herself

at spiky walls.

And where did that get her? Stuck!

Stuck with a satchel full

of the dumbest loot in game history!

Like this ridiculous, useless,

busted-up sword!

[speaks Spanish]

[in English] Where have I seen

this symbol before?

There! It's Nogrog's symbol!

Quick, climb the gears!

"If I fall, you may rise."

Nogrog's dialogue

is finally making some sense!

[machinery clinks]

You're a genius!

-Well, shall we?

-Together, on three.

Three!

[gears turning]

[both] Whoa!

[Miko] Whoa!

[screams]

[Five] I got an idea! Hang on!

[powering up]

Swing me!

-[grunts] Yeah!

-Ha ha!

Okay, put the other one on.

We're gonna find the real Count Nogrog,

and we're gonna beat his game together!

[grunts]

[both grunting]

[Miko chuckles]

[chiptune music playing]

Ha! Now we can reach

the unreachable chest.

Whatever's in there's gonna be totally

A spork.

Castlestein.

Dang, caught this guy on the flip-flop.

Your trespassing is no longer tolerable

to me, humans.

Beholden, as the clock tolls

negative midnight! [laughs]

[Five] Aha! But it's one past midnight!

Your powers fail you, you vile crumb bum!

-"Crumb bum"?

-It'll catch on.

[Nogrog cackles]

But with my castle inverted,

your past midnight

becomes my negative midnight!

[laughs evilly]

[roars]

[laughs]

Judging by that little display,

I'd say this is the real boss fight.

Humanity ill needs saviors

such as you guys.

[Miko and Five grunting]

[dramatic music playing]

[laughs]

[grunting]

[Nogrog laughs]

Ugh! Nothing's working.

Give me something else!

Anything!

Let's see uh, trophy, werewolf rib,

uh, porcini mushroom.

We're down to the dregs here!

[whimpers] What's left?

Uh, shield and here!

What the heck

am I gonna do with this, Five?

Serve him a hot lunch?

[panting]

[gasps]

Watch out for the laser!

-[Miko screams]

-Miko!

[gasps] We're gonna end up

like the others!

Stuck in desperate and uncool poses!

[Five grunts]

[roars]

Miko, forget Nogrog!

Just aim for the statue!

With what, Five? This?

[hisses]

'Tis the legendary spword of Gygaggen!

I'm sorry, did you just say "spword"?

[exclaims]

That shoots! Okay, learning as we go.

[Nogrog snarls]

[grunts]

Inconceptual! Aah!

[Five grunts]

[grunts]

[exclaims]

[gasps] My spword arm!

You are almost out of time!

[laughs evilly]

[straining]

Take my hand, and aim for

the statue with fabulous hair.

Let's do this!

[Nogrog snarls]

[both exclaim]

[screams]

Who does you think you are?

We're the D Team, crumb bum!

Oh, yeah!

-[Miko] "Crumb bum" is catchy.

-[Five] I'm sayin'.

[exclaims] Oh.

Saved our skins back there, rooks. Thanks.

Yeah, thanks, you two.

Hey, let me ask you, did I at least

look cool in my statue pose?

[camera shutter clicking]

Sure. Totally.

I'm not great at lying.

[theme music playing]