01x02 - Tutorial Mode

[bunniefuu]

[Five] Have you ever seen

what really happens inside a video game

when it starts to glitch?

[glitch hissing]

[growls]

[Miko] Chomp Kitty was a glitch

from a game that was totally out of order,

so we had to pull the plug.

I told him, "You picked the wrong

ball of yarn to toy with, Kitty!"

[Miko] I don't remember you saying that.

I would have if I had thought to.

[Miko] But I do remember us

blasting it to plixel dust,

because when video games glitch

[Five] Us Glitch Techs scratch the itch.

[meows]

[gauntlet voice] Glitch contained.

[announcer] Expert level! Double XP!

All I asked was if you sold

rechargeable batteries.

Uh, I think so.

It's our first day. [chuckles]

[laughing] Sorry, ma'am.

You see, these two are still learning

the ropes of the business.

You know, where things are, what they cost

and how we never tell customers

about our super-secret task force

of monster hunters.

[groans] I'm so confused.

[chuckles] Oh, good.

Please accept this coupon

and a memory wipe of everything

my employees just told you.

[device pulsates]

Oh! A coupon!

And I was just going to ask if you sold--

Rechargeable batteries. Aisle three.

[woman] Mmm.

Okay, yeah, you two have worked

this counter long enough.

Dude, first day,

and already getting promoted!

Yes! [chuckles]

If you're gonna be Glitch Techs,

you need to take the tutorial.

[Five] Yes!

No!

Ugh! Tutorials are

the most boring part of any game.

What about chaining

to whip stitch in Crochet Fighter

or climb onion volcanoes in Teppanyaki 4?

Not that I don't love a good debate,

which that wasn't,

but there's no opt out of this.

You have plenty to learn

besides how to blast glitches.

[Five groans]

Like not entering a portal gate

until it warms up.

'Sup, Glitch Techs?

We're here! What? What?

[BITT] Alert! Alert! There is one

new message in your personal mailbox.

Yeah, yeah.

Whatever it is can wait, BITT, just

take the new trainees and set 'em up

in the training sim for me, okay?

-But--

-[Phil] The rest of you,

stop lurking the lobby down there!

Yeah, you!

Get out on your morning patrols!

Phil, it's a slow day out there!

Well, let's keep it that way!

When do we get one of these

Glitch Tech gauntlets?

When you complete the tutorial.

Ugh! Okay, fine.

If it gets us one of these babies,

let's just burn through it.

How long can it be?

Well, the first three hours are the worst,

but the last five really fly by.

[groans]

[laughing] Welcome, Glitch Tech newbies,

or "noobs" as we like to call you.

Oh, no.

[laughing] I'm Helpie, your helpful host!

In this tutorial, you'll learn

the 'leet skills needed to pwn glitches

as a first-level Glitch Tech technician!

[laughing]

I can't shake him!

Don't leave us like this, BITT!

I'm sorry, this tutorial is mandatory.

No skipping ahead, shutting down,

or requesting false pee breaks

will be tolerated.

Do we get a lunch break?

[BITT] There is a vending machine

on the main level.

Caution on selecting

the egg salad, however,

we have lost 12.5 trainees that way.

Did you say "point five"?

How do you lose half of a--

-Goodbye.

-[yelling]

I see you're trying to punch something.

We will cover this in step 12,

Punching! [giggles]

This is my nightmare.

Look, I know its cheesy, but, come on,

we're two of the rare few

who get to learn about game glitches

and where they come from.

Where do glitches come from?

Allow me to drop

some knowledge on ya, playas.

The Hinobi central processer

is a highly advanced

but extremely delicate piece of equipment,

so a glitch may occur

as a result of corrupt software,

overheating, underheating,

sudden loud noises,

sudden soft noises, poor ventilation,

good ventilation, spillage

[theme song playing]

[man] Who knows what really happens

when a video game starts to glitch?

Here come the Glitch Techs

They know what to do ♪

They got the tech

They got the moves ♪

Glitch Techs

They're the wrecking crew ♪

They'll solve the problem ♪

Glitch Techs

When a glitch is loose ♪

They'll wipe them out

Old school or new ♪

Glitch Techs always coming through

To solve the problem ♪

Glitch Techs

Whoa! ♪

Glitch Techs! ♪

Yeah! ♪

[Phil] Thanks for choosing Hinobi,

where we're always game to help you.

Next!

Sir, there is still the matter

of the unread message in your--

BITT, I'm with a customer.

-Hey, Phil.

-Bookworm Barbara?

Long time, huh?

I haven't seen you

since you were a rookie Glitch Tech.

You know, you had your nose buried

in all those safety manuals.

Sir, the message is time sensitive.

You remember BITT? Yeah. [chuckles]

Hinobi corporate told me

to trade him in years ago--

[stuttering] Very time sensitive--

-But since when do I listen

-Sir, I--

-to the fools in Hinobi corporate?

-But, I--

[straining]

[grunting]

So, what brings ya by, Bookworm?

The fools in Hinobi corporate.

Safety Inspector Number Seven.

Oh! I'm here to investigate the premises.

-Now?

-Yeah.

We sent you a message this morning.

[grunts]

The bookworm is ready for a tour.

Sir, I am detecting

an increase in your heart rate

and an abnormal amount of perspiration.

Let's track your bodily movements.

To crouch, bend your knees.

[growls]

I think you're making this

a lot harder than it needs to be.

[Helpie] And to jump, jump!

[laughing] Uh-oh!

Player two, that was more of a hop.

Dude, please jump.

[huffs]

[Helpie] Thank you.

Next, raise your arms

and calibrate your virtual gauntlets.

[Miko] Ah, man! Virtual gauntlets?

Yeah! Calibration is

my third favorite tutorial step,

after axis options and button assignment.

-[groans]

-[Helpie] All right, let's go!

Calibrate upper left!

Calibrate lower right!

Calibrate upper right.

Middle left.

-[buzzer sounding]

-Uh-uh-uh.

I didn't say "Calibrate!"

-[Miko groans]

-[Five laughs]

Ah, man, he totally got me.

That's it. Abort mission. Abort!

I see you're trying to button mash.

We will cover this in step ten.

[grunts] Foul thing, I banish thee!

-[alarm blaring]

-[Helpie screaming]

No, no, no! What'd you do?

Oh, shmup, I think I rebooted it.

You heard Phil.

We can't be Glitch Techs

until we finish that tutorial.

Okay, fine. Let me find the file.

"Find tutorial"? "Find all files"?

Oh, I see it! It's right under

[both] Games.

[Miko] It's every Hinobi

console game ever!

[Five] HES, Hinobi 2, HinobiCD.

[gasps] Hinobi Turbo-Tech 2K.

We are stone dead

and have gone to gamer heaven.

Wait, wait, wait. If this thing has

every Hinobi game ever, maybe, um

What are you looking for?

It's here!

Nobi Gross Out!

Some said it was a myth,

the game too tasteless,

too dumb, too ridiculously awful

to have been released,

and it's here!

Look, they rated it "G" for "gross."

We gotta play this!

But what about the tutorial?

Oh, we'll finish it for sure. We will.

No question about it.

After this once-in-a-lifetime chance

to play the most legendary vaporware

in gamer history!

Let's do it!

Well, this store did suffer

a recent glitch attack

during a public gaming event,

and I'm here to make sure

it doesn't happen again.

Uh, that glitch was caused by faulty

software that "corporate" approved.

Since then, this store's antivirus

program has detected zero hazards.

Am I right, BITT?

That is correct. It detected no hazards

because it has not been running.

That's what I Why?

Because you paused the download update

to stream the season finale of

[automated voice speaking Spanish]

Oh, Phil. You're only allowed

three total infractions.

So what happens at four?

My bosses close the store, fire you

and memory wipe your entire staff.

Okay, then, let's keep it to three.

Great!

-[chiptune music playing]

-Whoo-hoo!

The crowd can't look! They're nauseated,

regretting every life choice

that led them to attend this event!

[announcer] Final finish!

Whoa! My turn!

Eeny, meeny, mighty gross,

pick the one who stinks the most.

[announcer] You have selected Garbile!

Nice. Check out his bio.

Garbile escaped space prison after being

put there by his rival, Sanitron.

It froze up on me.

[announcer glitching]

You have selected Garbile!

Wait. What if that "G" we saw

wasn't for "gross,"

what if it was for

[both] Glitch!

[laughing maniacally]

Oh, yeah! So who wants to tussle

with the mess-master of muscle?

We are so fired.

Easy, fella. Nobody wants to fight.

What's the matter, brother?

Too afraid to get your hands dirty?

Pretty much. Run!

Aah!

[groaning]

I'll mop the floor with ya!

We need Glitch gauntlets!

We could have got them

if we had finished the tutorial,

but somebody decided to destroy Helpie.

And I'd do it again!

Besides, you were the one

who just had to play Nobi Gross Out.

I know, right? Nobody's gonna believe it.

[both exclaim]

-[loud thudding]

-Is someone in the simulator?

Oh, yeah, the new trainees

are taking the tutorial.

Ugh! I remember that tutorial.

No wonder they're pounding on the door.

[gasps] Let's go say hello.

Open the door! Open the-- [grunts]

[straining]

[gasps] Phil's coming!

[Five] Aah! Close the door!

Close the door!

[door rattles]

[strains]

[laughs] That's perfectly normal

door behavior is what that is.

Um, you guys all right in there?

-[laughing maniacally]

-[both groaning]

It stinks! It stinks!

Yeah, we all know that tutorial stinks.

Why don't you pause it now

and just open the door?

Sticky doors are a safety hazard, Phil.

If this was an emergency--

It's not a problem.

BITT, why don't you show Barbara here

how handy you can be?

My pleasure, sir.

[both groan]

We gotta get him out of here!

[laughs]

Hey, dumpster-breath!

Over here!

Hey!

Okay, now, I um

And they're not here.

[both groan]

[Garbile] What's up with that, brother?

I thought you were gonna come at me!

What's the deal?

[Five grunting]

Maybe if we just calmly explain

to Phil what we did,

he'll be happy to--

Have us both fired

for releasing a garbage glitch.

A garbage glitch

in disturbingly tight shorts.

I see your point.

Well, since we don't have a Gauntlet

Whoa!

Let's mop the floor with him.

Oh, yeah, sister.

That's what I'm talking about.

Come on, kiddos, let's rassle!

[exclaims]

Ha ha!

[all laughing]

Dude! It had babies!

Aah! Gross, gross, gross, gross!

Ugh!

Yes!

Back off, bro. These are two-ply.

That's right, I'm talkin' super absorbent.

Bring it!

Oh, you think you got the jabs, brother?

Well, I got the juice.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

I needed more ply.

Two isn't nearly enough ply!

[exclaiming]

Oh, boy!

[groans]

Yum!

Aah!

Oh, yeah. Time to power up!

Ugh! He's getting even bigger!

[BITT] I did inform them

that if they were hungry,

they could partake of the vending machine.

-You told them what?

-Problem, Phil?

Huh? Who's that woman with them?

Look, I'm not sure, but maybe we should

just go tell them about Gar

Where'd he go?

-Five, come on, let's get out of here!

-Aah!

Maybe he's really gone.

I bet he's still hanging around

some where.

[laughs] Welcome to the dump, chump!

Hoyee!

Five!

[straining]

Let him go, you creep!

Nobody wants to fight you!

Maximum effort!

[yells, grunts]

Hey! What? No fair, ref!

I had that guy pinned

fair and square! Hey!

Here I come!

Hey, maybe we could trap him

in that metal chute.

But we'd really need some luck

to get him in there.

Who needs luck? We got egg salad.

Ugh!

Man, that's nasty.

[grunts]

[panting] Hmm?

Hey, funky-junkie!

[both] Want seconds?

[gasps]

[both] Aah!

Ah! Fetch it!

No! Gimme, gimme, gimme!

That should hold him.

[Garbile] Hey! No fair!

I want my grudge match, brother!

Ya can't just stick me in this penalty box

with all this moldy pizza

[chomping] and rancid applesauce. Mmm.

So where does this chute go?

And speaking of safe,

our waste disposal system is right--

Waste disposal?

[gasps] So these are the trainees

I've heard so much about.

Love to chat, but we should run.

All of us. Fast as we can.

I've never met recruits

so eager to finish training.

[Garbile laughing maniacally]

Training's over!

Time for the main event! [laughs]

Sorry, in all the excitement,

I lost count.

How many infractions left?

-[Five] Gross. Nasty.

-Ugh! Ugh.

Oh, man, we'll never be Glitch Techs now.

Maybe Phil doesn't know

this was our fault!

[growling]

[both] Or not.

Hey! You two started this fight,

now let's finish it!

[laughing maniacally]

[mini Garbiles] Fight! Fight! Fight!

I never should have stopped that tutorial.

And I never should have started that game.

Maybe we do need to finish this.

Let's give him a grudge match.

[Five] Maybe we just need

to select his rival.

Garbile escaped space prison

after being put there by his rival,

an automated cleaning machine called

[both] Sanitron!

[automated voice] Pilots detected.

Sanitron!

You want a fight, you got one!

[announcer] Garbile versus Sanitron!

Fight!

Oh, yeah!

The crowd goes wild!

Two scrappy young newcomers

have taken over this ring!

[Miko] Aah!

Oh, yeah.

When Garbile takes out the trash

[chuckles nervously]

ain't nothing gets recycled.

[groans]

Eat color-safe detergent, slime stain!

[Miko] Yeah!

-Whoo-hoo!

-That freshened him up!

Oh, yeah! It is time for the trash

to take you out!

Come at me, bro!

[grunts]

I'm gonna bring you down!

[Five] Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Yeah! I got it!

[announcer] Excellent! Hit combo!

Whoo-hoo!

[announcer] Destructive!

Nice hit, Miko!

We almost filled up the power meter!

[announcer] Cleaning power!

Hmm?

[groans]

[stammering] But the trash,

it was supposed to take you out!

-[Miko laughs] Smell you later!

-I guess this just isn't your game.

[announcer] Final finish!

[dramatic music playing]

No!

[all screaming]

[announcer] Sanitron wins!

[fart sound]

[Miko laughs]

[both] Yes!

Now, that was a tutorial.

[Garbile squeaking] Hey! No fair!

So is that Garbile?

When a glitch's energy

signature is depleted,

it reverts back to its root form.

[Garbile squeaks] Hey!

Where it can then be stored

back on the server

with the rest of the corrupt files.

That's what all those games were?

Glitched game files?

It's a pretty extensive database.

At least it was back when

I was a Glitch Tech. [chuckles]

Barbara, I'm not sure what to say here,

but if there is anything I can do

to keep you from shutting us down--

Don't think anything of it, Phil.

Ugh, yeah, we've had complaints

about that outdated tutorial for years.

But your on-the-job training method

proves two cadets

can defeat a mid-level glitch

with nothing but their own wits!

An egg salad sandwich

was also instrumental at one point.

My "on-the-job training method"?

As for the inspection of your branch

everything seems to be in order.

[sighs]

Wow, Barbara. I really owe you one.

And I won't forget it.

-Oh, yeah!

-[upbeat music playing]

You just got inspected

by Inspector Number Seven!

Peace!

[laughs] Great catching up!

Do you two know how lucky we all are

that she didn't shut

this whole branch down?

We're never gonna become

Glitch Techs, are we?

Oh, you're gonna be

Glitch Techs all right.

[both] Yay!

After you finish that tutorial.

[Five] Yay!

[Inspector Seven] Well,

the place is still a dump,

but the subject and her friend

continue to show remarkable potential.

With the right training,

they could be an asset to the company.

[mysterious voice]

Continue to keep us posted.

These may be the Techs

that can help us locate Bolypius.

[theme music playing]