02x18 - Who's a Mole?

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat rock music]

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff,

ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff,

ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

- Ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow ♪

- Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff ♪

- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

[music crescendos]

♪

[upbeat music]

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

- [urine splashing] Ohh.

- Ahh.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Were you saying

"Ah" or "Ow"?

I was saying "Ah,"

because I took my medicine,

which is what you're supposed

to do when you have UTI.

Is UTI an abbreviation

for when a jet of hot fire

- shoots out when you pee?

- Please just take your pill already.

I'm not taking it in

a plain old pill pocket.

That's for amateurs

and drug addicts.

I'm holding out

for something better.

Medicine time! I wrapped

it in a piece of cheese!

[sniffs]

[scoffs]

Don't waste my time, woman.

- Ugh!

- Chief, you're only hurting yourself.

Oh sweet, silly Honey.

You need to learn to hold out

for the best that life has to offer.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

I don't wanna live!

Oww!

[suspenseful music]

[wind whistling]

[shivering] Oh, man.

Is it colder than usual,

or is it just me?

Oh, no, it's not just you.

[electronic beep]

[electricity crackles]

Oh, sweet microwave,

tempting me

with your siren song of heat.

- What warmth from yonder micro waves.

- Keep walking.

This microwave and all its

consequence-free radiation

is mine.

And I've got the tumors to prove it.

ALL: Yeah!

[laughing] Oh, really?

Who died and made

you Microwave Cat?

The last Microwave Cat.

When I k*lled him,

just like he k*lled the

Microwave Cat before him,

and she k*lled

the Microwave Cat before her.

That's right. We murderous,

tumor-riddled monsters

won't be limited by your

old-fashioned gender norms.

[dramatic music]

[grunts]

[laughter]

It's the warmest,

safest place in the house.

I actually have this

crazy dream that one day,

I could be tough enough

to be the Microwave Cat.

But that's stupid, right?

Me with my one eye

and my torn ear, my scrawny

Yeah, we know what you look like.

We're looking at you.

Although it is interesting

that your dream is my rock bottom.

Tabitha, this is a safe space.

And our job here is to listen

to everyone's dreams

and help them manage

their unrealistic expectations.

Yeah, well I had

an expectation last week

when we were all saying

nice things about each other

that someone would say

something nice about me.

And yet

OK, who has something

nice to say about Elsa?

[crickets chirping]

- Jimmy, that's really distracting.

- Name's Jiminy,

- in honor of my great, great [screams]

- That is stupid name.

Can that count as

my nice thing about Elsa?

Hmph.

And I'm still waiting.

Honey, you wanna step in here?

Oh, no, I don't need anyone

to say anything nice about me.

I'm the facilitator.

[chuckles]

I'm not here for validation

like all of you are.

- No, I meant

- Storming in!

Someone in this group

has betrayed my trust!

Shel, you must be mistaken.

- That doesn't happen here.

- Oh, really?

Well then how did Darla find

out that I've been faking it?

- Faking what?

- Oh, you know.

[moans]

Eww. I won't be having

what he's having.

The point is one of those

gossipy, little birdies

tweeted it, which means one

of you must have told them.

[all gasp]

Someone here is talking

about what we say in group?

But I've confessed to multiple

murders that I did not do.

I was never here!

[tires squealing]

Now, Shel, we all know you

have a tendency to overshare.

Is it at all possible

the birdies heard it from you?

Well, of course it's possible.

- But it still doesn't mean

- Yes it does, Shel.

What you share here

never leaves here.

Trust has always

been rule number one.

I thought rule number one

was don't poop on the couch.

You're right. Rule number one

is no number two.

But rule number two is

well, don't go number one.

But rule number three

is the trust thing.

[birds chirping]

Oh, hi, Martin.

I only have a minute to chat.

I'm about to throw up a quiche

Lorraine into my kid's mouth.

That's perfect, Dale.

I only have a minute as well.

A hawk is about to eat me.

- Let's get into it.

- Yes, let's.

"Puss in Boots" is

problematic on multiple levels.

I miss when bears

stole picnic baskets.

Listen, my source just

gave me some piping hot tea

about a certain one-eyed cat.

[gasp] Spill, spill, spill,

spill, spill, spill, spill.

♪

I've got something

special for you.

You won't even taste

the pill inside.

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

Nu-uh. No way.

Chief, I need you to outlive me.

Chief, that was peanut

butter with bacon bits.

It's not going to

get better than that.

I'm a visionary.

I see things other dogs can't see.

That's because the infection

is spreading to your brain.

That's ridiculous, Honey's

head on the body of a crab.

What am I gonna do with you?

[feet tapping]

[suspenseful music]

Ooh!

Thanks, Dale.

Listen to what the little birdies

just told me about The Gray One.

He thinks he could be

the Microwave Cat.

Who am I?

"I think I could be

the Microwave Cat."

[laughter]

No, wait! No, no, no!

- Who am I? [grunts]

- Ah.

"I'm gonna live

on the microwave!"

- You did not just do that.

- Eww, gross!

You always take it too far,

the Takes it Too Far One!

OK, now back to laughing

at The Gray One's dream.

[laughter]

[groans]

[upbeat music]

OK, which one of you

betrayed me?

The little birdies tweeted

to the cats at my house

all about my

microwave aspirations,

which means that one of you

told the little birdies.

[gasps]

- Oh, so we're not gasping now?

- OK, let's just take a beat.

Shel, do you think

maybe you might have

let something slip again?

Oh, I let something slip,

all right a disk in my back.

I'm not all sex, guys.

I'm also very old.

- So if it wasn't Shel, who was it?

- Whoever it was,

whimper adorably, refuse

to make eye contact

so we know you're guilty, and

we can all move forward.

Really? Wow.

If I wanted to hang out

with animals

who talk about me

behind my back,

I could do that at home!

At least they do

spot-on impressions.

Oh, The Gray One, wait!

All right, the dog booties

are coming off.

Without trust,

there's no group.

And without group, what am I

supposed to do, make jewelry?

So the next animal to speak

better be confessing.

I have confession.

None of what is said in

here is interesting enough

to say outside of group.

It's ha-ha sad,

not ha-ha funny.

You know what is ha-ha funny?

Your dingleberry cat show

of 2017, remember?

How dare you? You know how

traumatized I was by that.

I walked backwards out

of rooms for whole year.

- OK, guys, this isn't helping.

- It's amazing the lengths

this group will go to to avoid

saying nice things about me.

It's amazing

you're still mad about that.

Perhaps mad enough to share

all our secrets. [all agreeing]

- Oh, yeah.

- I'm all for blaming Elsa

- and calling it a day.

- She did have motive, opportunity,

and quite frankly,

it's something she would do.

Totally.

But it's not me, I swear.

I'm sorry, but the

conjecture is rock solid.

Elsa Nicole Corgi,

you can no longer

- be a member of this group.

- You're kicking me out?

And you're all fine with this?

- I'm not here to make friends.

- Even you, Jiminy?

Allow me to play the

world's smallest violin.

[upbeat jig]

[clapping in rhythm]

♪

Welcome to new and improved

group, brought to you by me.

Honey group,

keeping secrets safe ♪

Now with 100% less Elsa.

Who wants to be the first

to share in our leak-free zone?

Pass! Look, I hate Elsa

as much as the next pig

who has a secret crush on her,

but I don't like the way

this group takes

deeply personal things

and weaponizes them.

- That's my thing.

- I, too, find Elsa attractive.

I like butch, but I also don't

feel comfortable sharing.

- Honey, maybe you can share.

- Well as the leader of this group,

I don't think

it's appropriate for me

to rate Elsa

on a scale of 1 to 10.

Seven.

Eight if she's wet.

Small Fun Raccoon,

why don't you start?

- Wait. Why is he here?

- Well, we had an open space

- and he was on the wait list.

- Appreciate you, Honey.

Look, I know we've been

through a rough patch,

but we need to restore

our sacred bond.

I might know

something that can help.

You guys into sniffing glue?

- No!

- OK. Just checking the temperature.

I do happen to know a

great place where you could

regain trust by doing

team building exercises.

And I didn't join the group

just to drum up business for it.

Team building? An easy fix

to a complex problem?

- Why not?

- [sniffing] Yeah!

How dare I dare to dream? ♪

I deserve that warm appliance ♪

That lumpy cat was mean ♪

Hoped he'd be more compliant ♪

- Scram!

- What was I thinking ♪

Thinking that thinking? ♪

I must be a bleeping idiot ♪

Thought that I could

just take that seat ♪

- But I couldn't take the reheat ♪

- What were they thinking ♪

Thinking that thinking? ♪

Thinking that

I spilled the tea ♪

But I'll show you all ♪

Then you'll see ♪

Hey, back off!

This song is about me.

What was I thinking,

thinking that thinking? ♪

What were they thinking

thinking that thinking? ♪

There are some dreams

you should never chase ♪

They'll never find someone

to take my place ♪

- They did!

- Now will you please get out of my face?

Time to microwave ♪

Bye bye ♪

♪

All right,

it's come to my attention

that there is

a problem in this group.

You don't have trust.

And there's only one

way to get it back

- team building.

- Yes!

I am going to break you down

with a series of

physically demanding exercises.

You will get tired,

you will cry,

there will be times where

you will want to k*ll yourself,

and then I will build you

back up into a unified team.

If it worked for

the cast of "Snow Dogs"

[all exclaim]

Now we're talkin'!

- The sequel.

- OK.

- Oh, oh.

- It will work for you.

[upbeat rock music]

♪

[all straining]

[hisses]

[all scream]

♪

[smooching]

♪

[wood creaking]

[all scream]

♪

- You're almost there.

- We almost got it.

- Come on, Tchotchke!

- Make it!

[all scream]

- You did that on purpose!

- You are weak.

- That was too much.

- Who has an erection?

I don't think this is working.

- Roar!

- Oh, no! A bear!

[all exclaim]

Mr. Bear, is there

any chance you're kosher?

Please don't eat me.

I have children.

- I'll lead you to them.

- Ahh!

[barks]

Back off, bear!

You stay away from

my Honey group,

or so help me,

I'll rip off your hat

and shove it so far

up your mailbox

you'll be dancing blood out

of your prolapsed airplane.

- Arr!

- OK, let's call it.

- Nice work, Greg.

- Really? I felt like I was pushing.

A common enemy always

brings folks together.

Now get the hell out. I got

a family of gophers coming in

in who haven't spoken to each

other since the election.

- Wait, that bear attack was a setup?

- N-no.

- Attack!

- Ohh!

Ow! See?

You're beating me up as a team.

[all grunting] You're welcome!

Tell your friends

- I'm also a notary public.

- Uh!

Whew, I am so glad that

things are back to normal,

'cause I've been wanting

to talk about something

that's a little,

well, embarrassing.

- Honey group, keeping ♪

- Yeah, I get it.

You know

how doggies sometimes

scoot their butts

across the carpet?

Yeah, it's a way dogs

release the pressure

in their a**l sacs,

and it's all perfectly natural.

That may be, but I sometimes

go back to where I did it

- and I, um I, uh

- Go ahead.

I sniff my scoots!

- Yuck.

- I sniff my scoots!

- [retches]

- Oh, God, why do I sniff my scoots?

- I'm so ashamed!

- It's OK, Diablo.

Honey group ♪

ALL:

Keeping secrets safe ♪

Half of "Paw Patrol"

was all of a sex cult.

The Energizer Bunny

kept going and going

until he had

that mesh bladder surgery.

- Pizza Rat was at Charlottesville.

- My source just told me something

about a certain cutie patootie

who sniffs his scooty doody.

BOTH: Ooh!

Honey, Chief,

I got you some obscenely

expensive customized

caricature cupcakes.

[panting]

[munches]

Oh, my God!

You're going to love this.

- [sniffs]

- Fine.

I'll eat it myself, pill and all!

[munching]

- Chief, come on.

- [scoffs] You don't understand.

I had a dream, a dream of

the ultimate treat,

a treat beyond imagination.

- What was it?

- I don't know. I can't remember.

But I know the ultimate

treat is out there.

At least tell me

you're staying hydrated.

- Oh, part of me is staying hydrated.

- Ah, gross!

Don't soak your burning

puppy junk in our water bowl!

Oh, Chief, there's plenty

of water in this bowl.

Honey group is even more

newer, more trustworthier.

Working on a B-side

for the jingle.

- It goes a little something like

- Someone in this group

- has betrayed my trust!

- Oh, come on. Duck me.

I remember it like it

was just this afternoon.

[laughter]

You sniff your own scoots?

That's disgusting,

and I spit out half a

decaying squirrel to say that.

Honestly, dude, I'd rather

be me than you right now.

[laughs, groans]

Wait, so the culprit is still

here and just stood by

and said nothing while I threw out

dear, sweet, innocent Elsa?

- She was the best of us!

- She was fine.

Do you know how long

my waiting list is?

I've got a miniature donkey

begging for me to help him

with his body dys-horse-ia.

Well there's a space

for him now,

'cause you're all fired!

[chuckling] OK, yeah.

As if you can replace us.

Welcome to spite group

I mean new group.

[upbeat music]

The new group is great, Chief.

It kinda makes me forget

I even had a group before.

Did I have a group?

I don't know.

- I think there was a pig.

- Honey, if I don't make it,

tell Jill that I wanna be

buried with the ultimate treat.

- Come on, Chief.

- [sniffs] No!

I even wrapped it in chicken

skin and dirty tissues!

You really think I'm gonna

give it up for something

I can get out of the garbage?

- OK. You've left me no choice.

- Oh, oh! Ooh!

Well, well, well, you risked

it all and you lost.

No, Honey, I won.

Don't you get it?

This is the treat

beyond imagination!

This was my dream!

I got a pill in my butt ♪

And this treat

is the ultimate ♪

I defied, delayed desire ♪

And now my rump

will benefit ♪

Butt pill, butt pill,

I've got a butt pill ♪

Butt pill,

butt pill, butt pill, bye ♪

Butt butt butt butt pill pill pill ♪

Butt butt pill

inside his butt ♪

- Wait, wait, what am I doing?

- I dunno. [laughs]

♪

[both snoring]

- [clears throat] Yeah.

- Ow, Chief, I'm sleeping here!

Chief?

[moans] I soak my junk

in our water bowl

- even when it doesn't burn.

- Oh, gross!

"Dumb Dog Soaks Junk."

Ooh, tweet it!

Chief, wake up.

The UTI pill is making you

sleepwalk and tell your secrets.

Oh, my God, I took the pills!

They made me sleepwalk

and tell the secrets!

[dramatic sting]

Shel fakes his orgasms.

"Tortoise Is O-Face Faker."

Tweet it!

Diablo's a scoot and sniffer.

"Puny Pooch is Fecal Freak."

Tweet it!

I love trees.

"Haughty Hound is

Hickory Humper." Tweet it!

- I'm the secret leaker.

- So after sharing with you

that my entire life has been

defined by my size,

all you have to say is,

"I'm the secret leaker"?

I'm sorry, Mini Donk, but I

need to get this off my chest.

I alienated my entire group

because I blamed them

when it was me all along.

Why don't you just

go and apologize?

- I'm Razzle-Dazzle.

- I can't do that.

If I were them,

I would never forgive me.

- Well, they're not you.

- No, they're much nicer.

Excuse me, wait list,

I've got real group to save.

- But first, I owe you an apology

- Um, it's not necessary

Is what I'm going to say to Elsa.

- She's not a great therapist.

- Everybody, shut up!

Leak or no leak, I need help.

Oh, sorry, is this group?

- It's a group.

- Good enough.

There's something I really want,

but I'm too scared to fight for it.

You miss 100%

of the shots you don't take.

I'm Razzle-Dazzle.

You bunch of freaks

might be right.

I deserve to be

that Microwave Cat,

and I'm gonna go get it.

How do you guys feel

about sniffing some glue

and then breaking

rules one and two?

♪

Elsa, I owe you an apology.

What the hell is going on here?

- Are you running a therapy group?

- Oh, no, no.

- This is a "we hate Honey" group.

- Well, then, can I join?

Because I hate Honey

right now, too.

- Aww.

- Stop it!

- You're weak.

- Yeah. Make her beg.

And nobody look at me

while she does it.

I have a confession to make.

I was the leaker. [all gasp]

[gasps]

Sorry, I was late.

I didn't realize

we were gasping again.

I was talking in my sleep

due to my UTI meds.

So you can be mad at me,

but also big pharma.

So you kicked me out of

group for something you did?

- I appreciate your forgiveness.

- Not so fast, lady.

We pour our hearts out to you

every single day

and you listen to our secrets

without revealing your own!

- Like you're not one of us.

- I hear you, Max. What can I do?

- You can start by sharing a secret.

- Something scandalous.

Oh, OK. Um

sometimes when Jill

walks in the door,

I act more excited than I am.

- Duh. You're a dog.

- OK, how about this?

I don't like it when

Jill hugs me naked.

One of us should

be wearing clothes.

- No!

- Nope.

- I pee lifting my leg?

- Are you even trying?

Honey, these are all very trivial.

If you really cared,

you would tell us something

- we can use against you.

- All right, fine, um

oh, I know something

horribly embarrassing about me.

So a jet of hot fire was

sh**ting out when I peed.

And instead of

taking my medicine,

I held out for the ultimate treat,

which, for me personally,

is getting a pill in my bottom.

- I knew it!

- You disgust me.

And welcome back.

[dramatic music]

Microwave Cat,

I'm giving you a new name.

It's The Cat Who Used To

Be The Microwave Cat Cat.

- Keep dreaming, Gray One.

- I will keep dreaming!

We should all fight

for our dreams.

Like you!

What's your dream?

- Uh, to be the Microwave Cat?

- Oh, OK. See, that's kinda

my dream right now.

But the power to dream other

dreams is within us all.

And today, I'm gonna

realize my dream

by removing your lumpy a*s.

[all agreeing]

[electricity zapping]

- Oh, really?

[all gasp]

Oh! Ahh!

Hot, hot, hot, hot eye!

Hey, The Gray One

[whispering] you did that

with the power of your dreams.

Oh, my God, I did!

You were right.

Inside all of us is the power.

Zip it, turd.

Hey, Floor Cat, move!

- Actually, I'm TV Cat, but

- Not anymore!

[laughs evilly]

[upbeat music]

Paddington bought

his Golden Globe.

Woodstock could talk

if he wanted to.

Try finding Nemo when

the waiter brings the check.

- Oh, cheer up, Eeyore.

- Keyboard Cat was roommates

with Brett Kavanaugh.

Chip and Dale

are in a loveless marriage.

- MC Scat Cat was a flat Earther.

- More like bi-Curious George.

You know, Sonic the Hedgehog

has yet to denounce

Prince Andrew.

Peppa Pig is a Scientologist.

- Smokey the Bear had pec implants.

- Goofy knew what he was doing.

Wishbone was a never-nude.

Garfield hates Mondays

and interracial marriage.