01x02 - Who Did This?

[bunniefuu]

I'm searching and searching

and just before

I make a decision,

I become paralyzed.

Am I making the right choice

or is there something better

around the corner?

Well, remember, Diablo,

life gives you

many opportunities

to make pee-pee.

I urinate once a week and I

don't seem to have a problem.

Is that

It's the woo-woos!

Oh, God!

It's the woo-woos!

It's the woo-woos!

- It's the woo-woos.

- It's the woo-pocalypse!

I'm not ready!

For the love of God!

- What!?

- Whoa!

It's gone.

Oh, thank God.

- Good work, everyone.

- We did it.

- You're welcome.

- I pee-peed.

I don't think the woo-woos

will be back any time soon.

Lindsay and I

- Lindsay?

- The shoe he's seeing.

Lindsay and I

have been pushing

the boundaries of our intimacy.

- 'Kay.

- I'm out.

- That is to say, physically.

- Come on!

More specifically, sexually.

- Ew.

- I know.

So, Chico, you said things were

going better with you and Kevin?

Yeah! Well actually worse.

Kevin left town again.

He doesn't show it, but it's

hard for him to be away from me.

Ah, dude, get off.

He said he'd be back soon,

but he took

the bigger small bag

and he left so much food,

and it's like

When your human

is arrested for stabbing

the insurance fraud investigator

and her nephew comes over

and just dumps

dry kibble everywhere?

Or like he's gonna

be gone a long time.

And you ate all that food

because you were sad.

- Portion control's a b*tch!

- No.

I can say the B-word.

But you can't.

Oh, I definitely overate,

but I did not eat all of it.

It was a lot of food

for just one cat.

Beats a lot of cat

for just one food.

I'm just a girl

standing in front of a boy.

So your lady

never goes out of town?

She never goes out of the house.

Eh, humans.

They all look alike,

but they each have their own

individual personalities.

I'll say. My owners

couldn't be more different,

which probably explains why they

live in two different houses now

and one of them is dating

a new human named Randy.

But it turns out

being a dog of divorce

is way better than

I thought it would be.

- Really?

- Hello treats, goodbye treats,

twice as many toys,

twice as many belly rubs.

- I'm over the moon! Ba-bam!

- Yes, ba-bam.

Yeah, and humping that pillow

is a healthy way

to express yourself,

but, um, save that for home.

Jill puts her face on that.

Psst. Psst.

- I wanna tell you something.

- Huh?

Careful, Chief.

She's just gonna spray you.

"Just"?

Um, Honey, when you've

been sprayed by a skunk

as many times as I have,

you get a feel for things.

- And I'm feeling pretty good about this.

- Love your optimism.

Hey.

You come here often?

I live here.

- That was a joke.

- Oh.

Sorry, that laugh

kinda got away from me.

You've got to come closer.

I don't want the squirrels to hear.

- Yeah, that makes sense. Good call.

- Promise me something.

No matter what happens,

remember that I like you.

- Spin spray!

- Oh!

- Ahh!

- Oh, no.

- Oh, my God! Ah, it stings!

- Uh, okay, if you'll excuse me,

um, I just I got to get inside

before I get secondhand skunked.

- I'll be back.

- Yes, okay wait, what?

I said I'll be back.

- Oh, okay, yeah.

- I can taste it in my eye!

- Well, so will I.

- It's a date then.

- Okay, yeah.

- Wait, a date?

With a coyote?

Oh, I mean, I can't.

I mean, whatever.

But, you know.

Yeah, no. Bye!

- Oof!

- Touch everything!

Touch everything.

Touch everything.

Touch everything!

- Honey!

- No, oh, don't no, now don't

please don't bring me

into this!

No! No, no!

This is your no-no!

I think I got most of it off.

Chief, Chief, Chief.

What am I ever

gonna do with you?

Why does she keep saying that?

What is she gonna do with me?

Honey, how can we get him

to be more like you?

Are you in on it?

- Where are we going?

- It's gonna be okay.

We only ever go three places, right?

- The park

- Love the park.

- The vet

- Damn that man!

- Or the groomer.

- Uh-huh. And what's the third?

No, that was it.

Let's not have another argument

about what "three" means.

The Gray One?

- Hey! Yeah, can I come in?

- Uh, yeah.

Hold on. Hol hold on, though.

Ah, I got it.

Don't worry.

- What are you doing here?

- Well, it just sounded like

you were trying to tell us

you were lonely today,

so I thought I'd come by

and keep you company.

Whoa!

You were not kidding

about the food surplus.

- This is all for you?

- Yeah, have some.

Kevin doesn't mind.

I pretend this is Kevin

when he's out of town.

Oh.

- So what are we watching?

- Kevin leaves the yellow ball on for me.

- Where did he go?

- You know, I don't know.

I think it has to do with

his "soul-sucking job,"

- whatever that is.

- Uh, it must be pretty important.

I mean, why else

would you leave all this?

Sounds like you got a pretty

good setup at your place, too.

- You must never get lonely.

- Nope.

- I'll k*ll you!

- Hey, occupied!

You guys mind?

I'm trying to bury myself alive.

Yeah, I got 40 best friends.

- Well, 39 now.

- Bump it back up to 40.

41!

Ooh, Hoodie Kevin likes you.

Yeah, I'm sorry, excuse me.

Um, who do I talk to

about the neckerchiefs?

I am told

I look great in green.

Please don't cut my ear

like last time.

Please don't cut my ear

like last time.

But then Biscuit said

that Teddy said

that Banjo said that Tiny said

that Socks denied everything.

- No!

- Yes.

She just needs a regular bath.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,

she's special.

She deserves a special cut.

Let's do something different.

Yes, something wild!

Come on, Jill. We need this.

I'm thinking about

something that, mm,

you know, frames her face.

Yes, frame it!

Frame the hell out of it!

Okay, let's do it!

Yes, that's what

I'm talking about!

When I'm walking,

I hold my own leash ♪

No, I'm not joking around,

capisce? ♪

I'm not gonna get down

and plead ♪

This soggy sex puppy is

what you need ♪

Whoa.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Oh, it tickles.

But in a good way.

Honey, highly recommend!

Whoa!

Bye, buddy.

And remember,

nobody loves you

more than Daddy.

Because Mommy

only loves herself.

Come here, baby.

You don't have to worry about

managing Daddy's

emotions anymore.

Uh, this is mine.

Yes, it's Randy.

You love Randy!

I forgot about Randy treats.

Everyone's relaxed.

We're creating

positive associations.

And bring him in, Randy!

There you go, buddy.

It's okay.

Who's that, Diablo?

- Does he smell like Randy?

- Woof.

- Huh?

- Woof!

What's happening?

Play nice, buddy.

What?

Oh.

What kind of dog are you?

- Oh, is it a little severe?

- Yeah.

Oh

Oh, my God!

I look even more handsome in red!

Well, just when things were

starting to look up for the Big D,

a freaky bald dog in a diaper

danced into my life!

Sounds like a pug.

I honestly think this sounds

like a young human being.

Have you tried making friends

with it?

Sometimes new friends

are the best kind.

Are you winking at me?

Don't wink at me.

- We're not friends.

- Nah, he's talking about me.

You guys are hanging out

outside the group?

Cat's out of the bag.

Yeah, The Gray One came by

to keep me company

- since Kevin's out of town.

- Mm.

And you're sure

he didn't come over

to keep you company

since the food is "in town?"

Whoa, whoa, what?

- I mean, is that even a sentence?

- What are you saying?

I'm sorry, I can't focus

when Honey's haircut

remind me of every mistake

I ever make.

Why we not talking about it?

Obviously we need to talk about it.

Really?

So you guys don't like it?

It's making me angry.

I wanna kick its a*s!

You won't find

that shape in nature.

I'm sitting on a million.

Hey, guess what?

The 23andMe results came back

and it turns out

you're a microwave.

Ooh!

Looks like Boxing Day came

before Christmas this year.

This is the worst block party

I've been to.

This guy knows

what I'm talkin' about.

Oh, yeah, it's square.

- That is a square.

- Oh, no, he didn't.

Is there a weasel that

pops out of that thing?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

It's great.

Honey, you're a Rubik's-You.

Ow! That's my time!

Good night, everyone!

Ha, ha, ha.

Well, we've had our fun.

Let's move on to something else.

Is is that your head or a

Not you. We're done.

Soggy sex puppy is

what you need ♪

Soggy sex puppy,

it's what you need ♪

Oh, yeah, it's square.

That is a square.

I cannot go out there and

let Coyote see me like this.

Aw, what's the matter?

Why won't you come outside?

- It's perfect pooping weather.

- I'm good.

I dropped the puppies off

at the park this morning.

Is this about

your weird haircut?

Yeah, I thought it would

be fun to have a new look.

But instead I look

like a mini fridge.

Ah, there's one Max didn't say.

Aw, babe, I don't care

what you look like.

- You still smell the same.

- That's right.

- And does it really look that bad?

- Yeah, no, total disaster.

But, I mean, what does it matter?

Right? Come on.

You got a date?

What? A d of course not!

Why would I?

How would I? That's so crazy.

That's crazy!

Oh, Chief, you k*ll me.

Hey, open the door.

Ignore him, Hoodie Kevin.

Oh, no, you let

Elsa get in your head?

She's just oh, no!

She's just threatened

by our friendship,

which is based on

sharing food no!

And companionship!

You didn't let me finish!

What are you doing?

Don't do that!

Chico, that little round car

is eating all the food!

Hoodie Kevin, stop this!

I can hold it until morning.

I've lasted way longer than this,

and I wasn't even trying.

Ooh. Okay, new plan.

I'm just gonna

quickly run outside,

do my poodle doodle,

and then come back.

That handsome, mysterious

coyote won't see me.

And you know what?

What if he does?

Who cares?

When did I get so vain?

I mean, what am I? A cat?

Oh, my God, that's me.

Okay, no,

I'm not going out there.

Honey, please.

I have a big day tomorrow.

Huh. Huh.

Well, now I'm up.

Look how comfortable they are.

The key is that we handled

the introduction correctly.

- That was all you, babe.

- Ooh, get over here.

Excuse me, this is mine.

Let go.

What are you saying?

I'm not barking, dog.

Why are you barking, Ian?

This sounds like

a young human being.

Oh!

- No, Diablo, no!

- Your dog bit my son!

Oh, no.

Good morning, angels.

I'll see you tonight.

It's morning. I made it!

I made it, I made it!

Come on! Let's make

the most of this day.

Ah, who's the best dog?

Huh?

I am.

Aw, crap.

I pooped in the house.

I pooped in the house!

Chief, I pooped in the house!

You haven't had an accident

since you were a puppy!

Oh, no. This is not who I am.

Poor Jill!

This will destroy her!

I'm her perfect, poofy

princess girl!

Oh, Chief, why did you

let Skunk spray you?

What does that have to do

with you pooping in the house?

Because I wouldn't have

gone to the groomer,

gotten this stupid haircut,

and been too embarrassed

to go outside.

And oh, forget it.

- Relax, I'll hide the evidence for you.

- Eh, it's too risky.

You might just make

a bigger mess.

- Let's just say there will be no mess.

- Ew.

That's very chivalrous of you,

Chief, yeah, but this is my mess.

- You'd do it for me.

- Eh, I don't think so.

Oh, come on.

Yes, you would.

- If I really needed you to.

- Probably not.

What if it was my birthday, huh?

Huh? Huh?

Hello, everybody.

Um, keeping in mind

that this is a safe space,

I I need to share something,

um, embarrassing with

with all of you.

Um although,

nothing is unforgivable

I bit a child.

- What!?

- Oh, my God!

- I'm hyperventilating.

- That's a big oopsie.

I expected a wider range

of reactions.

- Why? You bit a kid.

- You do not do that.

You take it, you take it,

and you take it!

I had a feeling it might be a kid.

Remember, everyone?

It's the crate for you.

Diablo, we are animals,

but we are pets first.

And pets do not bite people.

We can't let our instincts take over.

We need to inhibit bites,

show obedience,

delay gratification,

practice discipline,

sit, stay, come, fetch, roll over,

and don't poop in the house!

- Well, somebody did.

- Ooh.

I don't recollect, but then again

- It was here when we got here.

- Was it your human?

No, it was me. I did it!

I pooped in the house like a bad girl!

Oh, yikes.

Indoor number two

is the number one no-no.

Yeah, you think

I don't know that, Elsa?

I know that, Elsa!

I smell it and I am kitten

in cardboard box,

calling for my mother.

I have made a mess, Mama.

Won't you clean me?

Yeah, Jill is more than a mother.

She's my best friend, my queen,

and my food source all in one.

- I can't bear to disappoint her.

- I know what you mean.

It really sucks

to disappoint your best friend.

Are you sure you don't mean

"food source"?

- I'll admit, that's how it started.

- Which, I guess, is understandable.

I'm gradually realizing that

your home life is horrific.

Thank you, Cheeks.

I'm sorry I

Did you just give me a nickname?

- Sort of.

- Aw.

So he gives you a lame nickname

and you're just back in?

Okay, this is

- anybody?

- Shut up, Elsa!

- And now we're dropping S-bombs.

- Honey sure did.

Speaking of, I wonder

if the turd disappeared

during that tender moment.

Nope, still there.

Well, things don't

just disappear, Max.

Unless you're talking about

Jill's faith in me.

Dr. Honey, don't be so hard

on yourself. Nobody's perfect.

Yeah, well, I guess I'm not.

But testing the bounds

of Jill's forgiveness

is hard on both of us.

I need to know

if excrement will be removed

for next session.

That's very sweet, Tchotchke,

but Chief already offered.

I just have to face the music.

Well, I guess my life's

about to get pretty small.

You can turn the page.

Yeah, you got that.

Who's that? Is that an owl?

Just a neurotic dog

talking to himself in a crate.

Everything I hoped not to be.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, Ian.

Don't come any closer!

Where's the adult supervision?

What's this?

Peanut butter?

Ian treats!

I love you, Ian.

What's your stance

on giving belly rubs?

Okay, Honey, time to own up.

Now, Honey, did you do this?

This is so unlike you.

Just ride it out, Honey.

You and Jill will be stronger for it.

I expect this from Chief, but you?

I know.

Chief, what are you doing?

You don't have

to take the blame.

Chief, it was you.

Who's my big, bad boy after all?

My big, bad, poo-poo prince!

And Honey, I'm so sorry

I ever doubted you,

my perfect, poofy princess.

Feels good, feels good, feels good.

Honey, Honey, Honey,

what are we gonna do

with you and this hair?

I'd make the groomer fix it,

but Mommy hates confrontation.

There's my good girl.

Now, for you, mister.

Knock, knock.

Is there room in there for me?

Really?

You wanna sleep

- in the bad boy house with me?

- Yeah, it'll be fun.

Like a date.

Doghouse date. I like it.

Thank you for taking

the blame for my no-no.

They're our no-nos, babe.

Well, it was really decent

of you

I got to get to sleep now.

If I lose another day,

the whole week is shot.

- That's all I was going

- Okay, good night.

Oh, hey, there you are.

Hey, what were you

gonna tell me the other day?

Tss!

You really wanna know?

- Yes.

- All right.

Here, come a little closer.

Yeah, just just a little bit.

Yeah, just move it in this way.

- Mm-hmm.

- All right, all right.

Wow.

That is interesting!

- But the best part is

- Yeah?

Spin spray!

Can you believe it?

- It happened again!

- Get it off me!

- I didn't even try to trick you.

- I smell it!

I knew it was coming,

but you didn't.

Spin spray!

- You walked into it this time!

- Oh, my God! What!? How?

Two in less than a minute.

- That is a personal best. Whoo!

- You know, I think I'm gonna

have a hard time

trusting you again!

- It feels good every time.

- Why do I open my heart to you?