01x04 - Fame Is Bad

[bunniefuu]

Once, I was on a flight

from, uh

from Paris to New York.

And Gore Vidal was on the plane.

I'm coming down the aisle

and he's just staring at me.

Staring at me like

So I assume he recognizes me.

So I do that thing

that we famous people do

when we recognize each other

but don't want to actually

speak to each other.

I just sort of nodded my head.

You know, like

"Hello, Gore Vidal."

But don't say anything.

Obviously, he did recognize me

because he looked away

with-- with a

with an expression that could

only be described as disgust.

He-- he was like

You know? So, okay,

Gore Vidal doesn't like you.

That was fine.

And we arrive in Paris

and, uh, I'm waiting for my bag.

And as I'm standing right next

to Gore Vidal, it's like,

"Oh, God, he's gonna think

I'm stalking him."

So I turn my back a little bit.

Then I notice

all this commotion.

And it's Gore Vidal,

who's older and frail now,

and-- and he's struggling

with this enormous suitcase.

And if he doesn't get it

off the belt,

it's gonna go all the way around

and he's gonna have to wait.

So I step in

and I take off the suitcase

and put-- put it up,

you know, on the floor.

And he looks at me,

but doesn't acknowledge me,

and he still has

that look of disgust

every time he looks at me.

And he just sort of pulls up

that handle thing,

and he-- he must have thought

that some invisible baggage

handler had-- had helped him.

'Cause he just pulls up

the thing,

and then he wheels it away.

I have some respect

for Gore Vidal,

and he's been dead a few years,

but I'd like to take

this opportunity to say,

"f*ck you, Gore Vidal,

even though you're dead."

And I'm making a painting

in his honor.

This is Gore Vidal,

in case that's not clear.

And this is me, the wolf.

Not that I'm vindictive

or anything.

Would you mind telling

the folks at home

what a good and fair boss I am?

Once, I took

cocaine for three hours

in a broom closet

at a nightclub

with Rick James

and Steve Rubell.

There's no story

to go with this,

it's just a funny thing.

It's the image of it

being Rick James,

Steve Rubell, and me

snorting cocaine.

So you can see it.

Otherwise, it's three idiots

in a closet snorting cocaine.

The image of that

sticks with me.

Zach Galifianakis

used to clean my house.

For real.

Is that how you say it,

Galifianakis?

Yeah. And he did a good job.

And I liked him.

And

I knew he wanted

to be a comedian,

so, at the end of each thing,

I let him

tell me one joke

at the end of the day.

And it was h*-- it was painful.

It was like, uh,

Rupert Pupkin, kind of,

you know,

that scene with Jerry Lewis,

and he's like, "Jerry,

this is my pride and joy."

It was-- it was jokes like that.

It was terrible.

And I'm just saying it

'cause it's so odd.

It's like André the Giant

being driven to school

by Samuel Beckett.

It's just odd to me, like,

not the combination

of me and Zach,

but that he became such a big--

His acting in-- in The Hangover

is-- is--

a breakthrough in acting.

And I thought it was one of

the great performances

in a big movie of all time.

I thought he was unbelievable.

I'm sure he's not--

He's more confident now

than he was then.

I wonder

if he thinks I'm an as*h*le.

That would be a shame.

Once, I was really depressed,

and I was driving

in a cab going uptown.

And, uh

Down by Law, it must have been.

I'm driving by this-- this--

this movie theater.

And up on the billboard

of this movie theater

is my name.

"Tom Waits and John Lurie

in Down by Law."

And it-- it didn't make me

feel any better.

In fact, it made me feel worse.

It was just like I thought,

"Well, that's weird."

And if that doesn't make you

feel better, then f*ck!

And you can't get rid of it.

Fame sticks to you.

You cannot get rid of it.

That's the thing.

You can't undo fame.

Really, it-- it took me forever.

You know, Anthony Bourdain and I

were supposed to

go out for lunch.

And I said, "Look,

pick someplace really quiet.

I don't wanna go anyplace

where anybody's gonna know

either one of us."

And, uh

he said, "That's fine."

And I said to him,

I said, "It's such a relief

to not be famous anymore."

And he just stopped

in his tracks.

And he said, "I know.

I'm agoraphobic now."

And it's like--

And he was such a decent person.

You know, every single person

that came up to him and said,

"Oh, you're Anthony Bourdain."

And he-- you know, he was--

you know, he was polite to every

single person who came up.

And people can be

such parasites.

And the pain in his face

when he said, "I'm agoraphobic."

It was just

It just--

I mean,

you could sense something

behind the eyes with him

like there was something

he was sad about.

But you didn't know what it was,

and-- and--

I think that was the main thing,

was like

fame was k*lling him.

I don't know,

I'm confused about losing him,

and I think about it

all the time,

and I don't understand it. So

You know, fame,

it's just terrible.

I don't know why

I'm doing this show.

Why am I doing this show?

In fact,

if you're watching it

D-- do me a favor,

and just turn it off.

Really, turn it off.

I'm not f*cking kidding you.

Turn off the f*cking show.

Or if you don't turn it off,

at least don't tell anybody

about it.

m*therf*cker.

Do so much

for you f*cking people.

Hello, Moon.

You doing okay?

Yeah, me too.

I mean, I know.

Do you get lonely up there?

Yeah, I know.

But

I mean, then somebody comes by,

and you just want 'em

to leave, right?

Wh-- wha--

Other moons visit, or what?

Oh, no sh*t.

That hadn't even occurred to me.

On the other side.

All right, man.

I'll see you tomorrow?

Same time? You-- What time you--

Okay. Night, man.

I was in Portland,

and we went to see that, uh

James Franco

Planet of The Apes movie

where he has to cut off

his own arm to get away.

Maybe I'm mixing up two movies.

But it's around that time.

And, uh, we go out to eat

at this fancy restaurant.

You know, I'm telling this story

'cause I'm really proud

of what I did.

Well, I'm proud

of how fast I did it.

So, I'm not dressed very well.

I'm wearing some clothes.

And they kinda look me

up and down and they say--

and they-- "Well,

we'll put you over there."

And, uh

they put me way off

to the side, like,

way off

in the middle of nowhere

'cause I'm appalling-looking.

And the restaurant is

one of those

loud, loud restaurants.

It's just like

it's concrete or stucco walls

and ceiling and floor.

And so,

the conversations are just

like, really loud.

And music they turn up louder,

and--

to give the staff energy

to run around with plates.

'Cause they have these big,

heavy plates.

And, uh

the sound just echoes.

And everybody's

very well-dressed.

And, uh

we're sitting

next to this family

who are struggling to be there.

I mean, you can just tell.

The husband and wife

are wearing their best clothes,

but they don't fit in,

and they know they don't fit in.

And they've got their daughter,

who's 11,

and their son, who's five.

And it becomes clear that

it's the daughter's birthday

and this is where she wanted

to go for her birthday.

This is--

And they were gonna make sure

that, you know,

they took her there

and it was gonna go well.

And you could tell,

they could bare--

You could hear them talking

about what they were gonna order

so that the daughter could get

what she wanted,

and they would get

the cheapest things on the menu.

It was kinda heartbreaking,

the whole thing.

And, uh

this place is just--

It's really loud.

And these giant plates

And the little girl

knocks her plate off the table.

And it's--

hits the floor and goes

It's so f*cking loud.

You can't believe it.

And the whole place just stops.

And everybody looks over at us

with scowls on their faces.

And I was just like,

"This is gonna ruin

this little girl's life!"

And so I just went,

"It was me, sorry."

Because I--

And so I took it, you know,

just deflected it from her

so she-- Yeah.

And what I was pleased about

was I did it without thinking

for even a moment. I just like--

Take it, you know.

And later, the father kinda

leaned in and he said,

"Tha-- thank you so much."

Yeah.

Anyways, f*ck you people

and your big plates.

-That's what I think.

-You are so adorable.

-She didn't want to be in this,

and then she was in it

a little bit,

and now it's like we've created

a monster who

not only wants to be

in every shot,

wants us to be sh**ting

all the time,

but then after she shoots,

we talk about it for six hours.

It's-- Yes.

Uh, we bought this towel here.

And you have to--

During the rainy season,

the towels don't dry.

They stay humid all the time.

They get that mildewy smell.

So we bought this towel,

and it's one of those towels

that rejects water.

Like, it's--

it's treated with something

so that you dry yourself

after a shower

and you're just as wet

as when you started.

And I'm so pissed off about this

that I'm going to set the towel

on fire in protest.

All right, here it is.

This is the exciting moment.

Does it feel good?

No.

It's kinda depressing.

-I thought

it was gonna feel good.

-Hmm.

Should we burn

other things we don't like?

No.