01x02 - The expl*si*n Story

[bunniefuu]

(BIRDS SINGING)

JOHN LURIE: I'm really excited.

I got a new drone.

Now I can sh**t

the beginning of my show again.

(DRONE BUZZING)

("AFRICAN SWIM, MAIN TITLES"

BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪

(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(DRONE BUZZING)

(MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY) ♪

(CRASHING)

(DRONE BUZZING)

(CRASHING)

(DRONE BUZZING)

(CRUNCHING)

(DRONE BUZZING)

(CRASHING)

(BIRDS SINGING)

I crashed seven drones.

Any idiot can fly a drone.

("I HOPE SHE IS OKAY"

BY MARVIN PONTIAC PLAYING) ♪

Ba-dum ♪

Ba-dee ♪

Ba-dum ♪

Bum ♪

Ba-dum ♪

Ba-dee ♪

Ba-dee ♪

Bum ♪

(SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

(BIRDS SINGING)

I was hoping that

this show would be

educational.

But I, um

paint so much

from intuition

and I don't know

how you teach people intuition.

At least

not unless it's in person.

Not only that, but

I really don't know

what the f*ck I'm doing.

I'm just stubborn.

I refuse to let

these paintings be bad,

so I just work on them

until they're good.

So I will teach you things

I learned from life, as I go

if you'd like.

I had cancer. And then--

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Don't make that face.

I had cancer, I beat it,

it's done, it's in the past.

But the treatment

is more hideous

than you can imagine or explain.

And I knew it was gonna be bad,

but it's unbelievable.

They just fry you.

Anyways, side effects

stayed with me for a long time.

They're still with me.

But one of the side effects

was sleep apnea,

and the other one was vertigo.

You know, I'm sleeping

an hour here, an hour there

and I'm pretty out of it

most of the time.

And, um

it was seven o'clock

in the morning,

and I was heating up

some shrimp curry

and my oven has been

on and off on the blink.

And I, uh, put the shrimp curry

in the oven,

and I came out here to paint.

And I went back

twenty minutes later.

If the oven had been on,

it's hot here all the time,

and so the kitchen

would be really hot,

even at seven o'clock

in the morning.

It would've been hot,

and I realized

(CLICKS TONGUE)

"f*cking oven, not working."

So I realize the oven's not on.

I've only slept an hour.

And, uh, I've got

one of those sticks,

I don't know what you call them,

the thing that lights the fire?

I don't know, I

So I open the oven, I'm gonna--

gonna reheat the shrimp curry.

And I don't think about the fact

that the gas has been on

for the last 20 minutes.

And I go and light--

light the thing, and boom!

There was an expl*si*n

that was just so shocking.

It was just Whew!

It was unbelievable. I mean,

the-- the tea kettle

bounced off the roof

and debris went everywhere,

and, uh

the crazy thing is-- is I--

I seemed to actually be okay,

considering what just happened.

The expl*si*n

has gone around me.

I mean,

my hair is gone and-- and, uh

and my shorts are on fire,

but I'm not.

I'm not f*cked up.

It's that thing, you know,

when you're in a car accident

or you fall down a flight

of stairs,

and it's like you're not sure

if you're hurt or not.

I mean, just that feeling, like,

kinda shock, I guess,

but it's like,

"I don't know if I'm hurt."

And I go over to the sink,

and there's dirty dishes

in there, and so I'm pouring

dirty coffee cups and, like,

the water from the--

from the-- the chicken curry

was cooked in, you know,

over me, like,

to put myself out, you know.

And, um,

I'm pouring all this

dirty dishwater all over me,

and the shorts are on fire,

so I take them off.

They're not really on fire,

they're crackling, you know.

And, um you know,

I just sort of stopped,

I said,

"Just don't f*cking panic."

And I may have even

said it out loud.

"Don't panic.

Use your intuition."

And I knew what to do.

I got the machete

out of the closet,

and I had planted an aloe plant

at the bottom of the hill

um, a while ago,

but I planted it,

it was already fairly grown,

so I knew the aloe plant

was gonna be there,

and I walked down the hill

with the machete.

Except I've got vertigo,

and I've got--

I've slept an hour,

and I've also just been through

this traumatic experience,

so, I'm-- I'm-- you know, I'm,

like, kinda wobbling all around,

and I'm naked.

And my c*ck is flapping around

in front of me,

and I've got

this very sharp machete,

and I'm like, walking

like a drunk person,

and I'm thinking,

"Well, this is precarious.

Try to be careful."

So I sort of start walking with

the machete off to the side,

thinking, "Well, if I fall

and it cuts off my leg,

that's better than, you know,

the other part, so"

And I get down,

and I cut the aloe,

and I walk back up the hill.

And, um

I'm sitting on the steps naked,

with the machete,

cutting the aloe carefully

and s-- peeling off the thing,

and applying it to my body.

And the aloe saved me.

For real, the aloe saved me.

I mean, I had some burns,

some bubbles, some stuff.

And I just was out there, and

I'm putting aloe all over me,

and, uh (CHUCKLES)

this local guy drives by

in a truck.

And he kinda looks at me like

(GASPS)

(LAUGHS)

He's just completely shocked.

And, uh, I'm out there

with my machete, naked,

sitting on the steps and, uh

so I wave and smile,

and he's just like-- (LAUGHS)

Hello, local people. I'm John.

-(WIND RUSTLING)

-(BIRDS SINGING)

JOHN:

It's important to have fun.

Every day, a little bit of fun.

("VIBE WHOOPS"

BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪

Roll a tire down a hill.

You take the tire,

and you roll it down the hill,

like this.

Bounce!

-(CRASHING)

-Yes!

Roll two tires down a hill.

Bounce!

(CRASHING)

(CRASHING)

Bounce!

(CRASHING)

Really, make sure

you have a little fun every day.

(CRASHING)

Bounce!

(CRASHING)

Bounce!

-(CRASHING)

-Yes!

(MUSIC FADES) ♪

(BIRDS SINGING)

Now, I don't know

what it is about me, man,

but I'm-- I'm always the guy

at customs,

every time, since I was young.

"Sir, would you mind

coming with us?"

They go through my stuff,

I mean, always.

Maybe it's my eyebrows,

I don't know.

Something about me.

I'm always the one.

One time, I was driving

from Maine

down to New York City,

and I find this pack of cars

going, like, 85, 90.

So I go and get into the middle

of this group of cars.

We're driving along. We're all

speeding but, you know,

if they catch us, they're only

gonna catch one of us.

And, uh,

every time there's a cop,

we slow down to 65

and then speed back up again.

So we all slow down,

and there's this cop,

and we see him

on the side of the road,

and next thing I know, there's

a cop behind the pack of cars.

And we all go

into the slower lane,

and he starts driving

alongside of us,

looking into each car.

And he looks at me,

and then he swoops in behind me

and pulls me over.

"What? How did you pick me?"

(IN DEEP VOICE)

He said, "I don't know."

(NORMAL VOICE)

"No, really, why--

You had all these people

to choose, and you pick me."

I said,

"That's facial discrimination."

And he laughed really hard.

So I thought he wasn't gonna

give me a ticket, but he did.

So, you know.

I was going from

somewhere--

I was looking for this thing.

I was looking for something

outside New York City,

but, like, in the Bronx

or somewhere.

I think I was on Route 95.

I get off and it's like

the whole exit lane is filled,

and nobody's moving.

So finally,

I get out of the car to look,

and there's a car on fire

at the bottom of the hill.

So it's like,

"We're gonna be there forever

until they deal with this car

that's on fire."

So I go on and I go back up,

I go back up onto the grass,

and I back up,

I back onto the

uh, onto the breakdown lane,

and I'm gonna drive away,

but, you know, a state trooper

comes along and sees me,

and pulls over. He's like,

"Okay, you can't--"

You know, he's like

(IMITATES GIBBERISH

THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER)

"Oh, sh*t," you know.

So, he pulls up alongside of me

and I go

(IN SOFT VOICE) "But officer,

there's a fire." (CHUCKLES)

And he says, "Okay, go ahead."

I knew if I used my real voice,

it would be, "All right,

hands up on the car."

It just--

it just happens every time.

(SOFT VOICE)

"But officer, there's a fire."

JOHN: I gotta say-- All right,

this is what I really wanna say.

This is for real life,

but we'll film it.

Neither of you are loving me

anywhere near enough. All right?

-You know that's true.

-ANN MARY GLUDD JAMES:

Why would you say that, boss?

You too. Huh? I come down,

you don't even say--

ANN MARY: Well, that's not true!

You don't even turn around

when you say hello, you go,

-with your back to me, you go

-No!

"Hello, Mr. Marvin."

-She calls me "Mr. Marvin."

-No, boss, that's not true.

JOHN: Neither of them love me

anywhere near enough.

-Seriously? You came there

-Yeah.

and you said, "Ann Mary."

And I'm cutting the

-one of the garlic.

-JOHN: Uh-huh.

I look around.

I said, "How are you, boss?"

Yes! That's what-- Why are you--

-Oh!

-(ALL LAUGH)

NESRIN WOLF:

When he says that, always,

you respond to it with this.

I always say the same thing.

There is something wrong

with your reception,

that you don't feel the love.

See, when I tell you you don't

love me enough, you just--

ANN MARY: No, and I said--

I said you didn't

wake up as yet.

-That's what I said.

-I didn't wake up as yet.

-That's true.

-ANN MARY: Yes. So

how are you gonna feel the love

if you didn't wake?

-I can feel love--

-If you're-- if-- if--

if you're not awake,

you cannot feel

or know what is going on.

Jeez, what logic.

All right, I'll accept that.

(ANN MARY CHUCKLES)

("BACKWARDS FLUTE"

BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪

(MUSIC FADES) ♪

JOHN: I gotta say-- All right,

this is what I really wanna say.

This is for real life,

but we'll film it.

Neither of you are loving me

anywhere near enough.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

-All right?

-You know that's true.

-ANN MARY:

Why would you say that, boss?

You too. Huh? I come down,

and you don't even say--

ANN MARY: Well, that's not true!

You don't even turn around

when you say hello, you go

-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

-with your back to me,

you go

-No.

-"Hello, Mr. Marvin."

She calls me "Mr. Marvin."

-No, boss, that's not true.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

JOHN: Neither of them love me

anywhere near enough.

-Seriously? You came there

-Yeah.

-and you said, "Ann Mary."

-(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

And I'm cutting the

-one of the garlic

-JOHN: Uh-huh.

I look around.

I said, "How are you, boss?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Yes! That's what-- Why are you--

-Oh!

-(ALL LAUGH)

NESRIN:

When he says that, always,

you respond to it with this.

-I always say the same thing.

-(AUDIENCE GASPS)

-There is something wrong

with your reception

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

that you don't feel the love.

See, when I tell you you don't

love me enough, you just--

ANN MARY: No, and I said--

I said you didn't

wake up as yet.

-That's what I said.

-I didn't wake up as yet.

-That's true.

-ANN MARY: Yes. So

how are you gonna feel the love

if you didn't wake?

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS LOUDLY)

-If you're-- if-- if--

if you're not awake,

you cannot feel or know

what is going on.

-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

-Jeez, what logic.

All right, I'll accept that.

(APPLAUSE)

(BIRDS SINGING)

("TEMPLE OF BANJOS"

BY MARVIN PONTIAC PLAYING) ♪

(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(MUSIC FADES) ♪

(BIRDS SINGING)

JOHN: I wanna tell you about

my encounter

with the miraculous

where, um I met Barry White.

Barry White was playing

at a area,

just like a little thing,

and everybody wanted

to meet Barry White.

And there's a line to meet him,

so

Barry White, one, he's big.

He was a big, big, big man.

Like, an inch taller than me

and big.

And, uh most people

with deep voices

(IN DEEP VOICE)

They talk very quietly,

but their voice is deep.

(NORMAL VOICE)

But he-- The volume was immense.

It was just like-- So he's got

that deep voice, which--

Everybody knows

Barry White's voice.

But it was big.

It was this big, big sound.

And so, you know, "Hello,"

and then he, um

"Hello, maestro!"

And I think, "That must be

how he says--

talks to everybody,

you know, calls them 'maestro.'"

And as I'm starting to walk off,

he says, "Love Voice of Chunk."

And I'm like, "Holy f*ck!

Barry White knows my music."

I-- It really made me happy.

Barry White knows my music.

Um

Just seemed strange to me, so

I sort of stopped

off to the side,

because this line of people

wanna meet Barry White.

And, uh his voice is,

you know, deep and loud.

And I'm standing there,

sort of waiting, you know,

"Oh, he knows me,"

so I wanted to talk to him more.

But there's a line of people

who wanna meet Barry White.

So I'm politely standing

off to the side.

And as I'm standing there,

is when I encountered

the miraculous.

His voice was so loud

and so deep

that my testicles

began to vibrate.

My ba*ls were vibrating, and

(LAUGHS)

Um

Yeah.

("THE FIRST AND ROYAL QUEEN"

BY THE LOUNGE LIZARDS PLAYING) ♪

(MUSIC FADES) ♪