01x01 - Bob Ross Was Wrong

[bunniefuu]

("AFRICAN SWIM, MAIN TITLES"

BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪

JOHN LURIE:

Oh, man, look at that.

(DRONE BUZZING)

How do I slow it down?

Yo, how do I slow it down?

Don't! No, no!

(CRASHING)

(BIRDS SINGING)

Oh, yo. My drone.

f*ck.

(BIRDS SINGING)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(EXHALES)

That's the opening of my show.

-Damn.

-(BIRDS SINGING)

("AI IS HATED"

BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪

Now what am I gonna do?

(MUSIC FADES) ♪

Say, "Hello,

welcome to Painting with John,"

and then do a polite smile?

Hello, and welcome

to Painting with John.

(EXHALES)

My polite smile is terrible.

Hello, and welcome

to Painting with John.

(BIRDS SINGING)

My polite smile

frightens people.

Hello, and welcome

to Painting with John.

f*ck.

Hello, and welcome

to Painting with John.

(GNASHING)

("I HOPE SHE IS OKAY"

BY MARVIN PONTIAC PLAYING) ♪

Ba-dum ♪

Ba-dee ♪

Ba-dum ♪

Bum ♪

Ba-dum ♪

Ba-dee ♪

Ba-dee ♪

Bum ♪

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

(CHIRPING CONTINUES)

Bob Ross was wrong.

Everybody can't paint.

It's not true. So

it's very optimistic

to think that everybody can.

I think that everybody can paint

when they're young.

In fact, most of the best

paintings I've ever seen

were put on a refrigerator

with a magnet.

And I think most of us,

maybe all of us,

when we're three, four,

five, six, seven, we can all--

we're all artists,

we all have that thing.

And in a lot of people

it gets pounded out of you,

or you, you know,

the adult part of your mind

tells you to drop that,

which might be the way to go.

I don't know.

I know that my parents

did something

with me and my brother

and sister that--

that nurtured that thing,

that kept it alive,

that protected it,

that made us go

into our adult life

with both music,

and my sister dances,

and-- and-- and in painting

to keep that sort of childlike

wonderment thing.

And-- and I think

it's really important.

I mean

in my case they may have

gone too far and, uh,

I'm still searching

for my inner adult.

Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah

Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah ♪

Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah

Pah-pah-pah-pah ♪

But I could never quite

figure out how they did it.

When my brother Evan was a kid,

he would be a character.

When he was like

three, four, five,

he would be Rin-Tin-Tin

for a week.

He would demand to have his food

served to him

on the floor in a bowl

and my parents (CHUCKLES)

went along with it,

and would, "Rin-Tin-Tin,

it's time for dinner,"

and he would come and eat

on the floor.

And there was about a week

where he was Mighty Mouse,

and he would just be

flying around the house

with his cape on,

just whoosh, there goes Evan.

And my father was waiting

on this important phone call,

and it-- there was something

terrible about it.

He had that thing where

he was beholden to this guy

who was supposed to call him.

It was about a job or something.

I was six, five, you know,

so I don't really know.

I just remember being--

not liking this thing.

It was like my father

was waiting for this guy

to call him

and he's not calling him,

and it's like this guy's

got power over my dad.

So whatever it was,

it was just like,

I didn't like it.

And, um

(CLICKS TONGUE)

You know, it's 1958, '59,

something like that,

and so we've got the, you know,

we've got the phone on the wall,

and it never rings

because nobody else has a phone,

and if your phone rings,

it's a big deal.

And my father's waiting

on this phone call,

and, uh

the phone rings

and Evan comes flying

through the kitchen in his cape

and answers the phone. "Hello!"

And then there's a pause,

and then he goes,

"No, this is Mighty Mouse!"

And then he hangs up the phone.

And I'm like,

"Oh, Evan, what did you do?

You can't do that."

But the amazing thing was

my parents did not scold him.

They weren't mad at him

because Evan being Mighty Mouse

was more important

than the phone call,

and that's huge to me.

Thank you for stopping by.

("GOODBYE TO PEACH"

BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪

(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

(MUSIC FADES) ♪

JOHN: I felt I should use

this beautiful moment to

to say something poetic

but I don't have anything.

So just imagine

I'm saying something poetic.

(BIRDS SINGING)

How did you do?

Did you do good?

Why put it all on me?

There's a sunset.

You think of something poetic.

I think it's better.

("I CAME TO VISIT HERE

FOR A WHILE" BY JOHN LURIE

NATIONAL ORCHESTRA PLAYING) ♪

(MUSIC FADES) ♪

(BIRDS SINGING DISTANTLY)

SCOOCH THE OOCHER:

When you press this part

ANN MARY GLUDD JAMES: Oh, man!

SCOOCH THE OOCHER:

You move the elastic.

Wait. Where's the wool?

SCOOCH THE OOCHER: It was here.

I think that's why

the hole has to be bigger,

Ann Maria.

JOHN: It's okay, you guys.

I'm just

in the other room painting

so I can pay your salaries.

(SCOOCH THE OOCHER LAUGHS)

JOHN: You just--

you just keep working on that.

(OBJECT CLATTERS)

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Now we have to--

now we have to fix this.

-(ANN MARY LAUGHING)

-That's what we do for a job.

-ANN MARY: Oh my God.

-We break his things,

-and then we spend hours

-(ANN MARY CHUCKLES)

-ANN MARY: Fixing it.

-to fix them.

And then he gives us money.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

JOHN: Just wanna point out

that that thing--

(LAUGHTER)

-SCOOCH THE OOCHER:

(LAUGHING) One hour.

-That thing--

But also, they've had it

on the refrigerator

upside-- upside--

Why was it upside down?

John, because

the front of our fridge

JOHN: Yeah.

-is-- it's not magnetic.

-JOHN: Yeah.

-We can only

put it on this side.

-So, I understand why--

I understand he was on--

why he was on

the side of the fridge,

but why was he upside down?

Um

John, uh--

Because it was facing this way.

You can turn it around

so the magnet

So that he was facing you?

-ANN MARY: Yeah.

-So you wanna see his face?

SCOOCH THE OOCHER: Yes, yeah,

so we put it upside down,

so we can see his face.

-But it just broke, so

-JOHN: You couldn't--

He couldn't be facing that way?

Because you could

sit in here and admire him.

SCOOCH THE OOCHER: No, we wanna

see the face. It's the face.

JOHN: I just want people to know

that none of the trees

in my paintings are happy.

They're all miserable.

They are very unhappy.

The flowers in particular

are miserable.

They hate life.

These are not happy trees.

They are miserable.

(BIRDS SINGING)

JOHN: This is my backyard.

(BIRDS SINGING)

(BIRDSONG CONTINUES)

Sometimes in the dry season,

there'll be iguanas back here.

Also a lot of possums.

They call them manicou.

(BIRDS SINGING)

I will use somebody's laugh

to gauge if I trust them or not.

I don't trust somebody

until I hear their laugh

and know that it's, like,

a full, real laugh.

Somebody

that doesn't laugh right,

I don't trust them.

Something blocking their soul.

In Thailand,

you hear this laughter

just floating through the air.

It's just so--

It can just be so beautiful.

They have a thing

called sanook there, which

they translate it as "fun,"

but it's not really "fun."

"Fun" isn't right.

But you hear these laughs

just that go

floating through the air,

just makes your heart go,

"Yeah. This is life."

Or in Africa,

you hear these laughs

that come from down

deep in the belly,

this booming, big,

wonderful, roaring laughs.

Just nice, man.

Makes me happy to hear it.

And then in the expensive

restaurants in New York,

you hear these cackles

that come from way up

in the throat, the neck up.

They're they're painful.

Makes you sorry

for these people.

Somebody should come

and teach them

how to laugh, because--

And then if there's

a group of them,

they're emboldened by numbers

and they just go

(FAKE LAUGHS)

"Oh, that was funny."

(FAKE LAUGHS)

And you just wonder how the f*ck

they have sex, like

(FAKE LAUGHS)

Just terrible. But, uh

Yeah, man, I don't know.

You just wonder

who the rich people are,

the people who can afford

the fancy restaurant

but can't laugh,

or the people who can laugh

and you just have having rice

and a little piece of fish

for dinner.

They're the rich people

in my book.

I, um, realized that

that was unfair

that I thought

you could write a poem

about the sunset so quickly,

so hopefully you've thought

about your poem,

and, uh

and I'm gonna give you

another chance.

Here's a beautiful sunset.

Now write a poem.

(BIRDS SINGING)

("THE FIRST AND ROYAL QUEEN"

BY THE LOUNGE LIZARDS PLAYING) ♪