02x05 - The Canuck Stops Here

[bunniefuu]

Here's the thing, Papadakis,

if I squint at you from a distance,

I can almost see a soldier,

but what I'm wondering right now is,

what are you dressed like?

Can you be more specific, sir?

Like?

Like Shrek.

No, I bought this costume
at a Halloween store.

This is Angry Green Swamp Ogre.

Colonel, the troops have
chosen to watch Shrek

for the 17th straight movie night.

I am dressed as an
Angry Green Swamp Ogre.

Now, if someone were to dress as Shrek,

maybe they would do
so because the film is

a cultural touchstone
for an entire generation.

Get your feet off my desk.

Officially, as of now, Major,
Shrek is banned on this base.

- Confirmed, sir.
- Fine.

- Guess we can watch Shrek 2.
- Shrek 2 is banned.

- Shrek 3?
- Banned.

- What?
- Is there a Shrek 4?

- Because it's banned.
- Forever After.

- What?
- Shrek 4.

It's called Shrek Forever After.

Well, not on this base.

Hey! Come on now!

Does the Constitution even allow that?

- Okay. Bye-bye.
- Dismissed.

Great.

- Ready for the next meeting?
- Yeah, sure. What is it?

Specialist Gideon is dressed
as a giant donkey.

Why are you trying to impress her?

She's just a Canadian NATO General.

General Martin is coming
here on my invitation.

You understand that, right?

And that her last three mentees

are all Lieutenant Generals now?

Okay, relax.

What do you have in that lovely folder?

It's insane.

Most soldiers put in their resume.

Do you have your kindergarten artwork
or something in there?

No, it doesn't go back that far.

It starts at, like, middle school.

Dad, I would appreciate it if

you were on your best
behavior, you know?

No, like, Canada
jokes or anything stupid.

Have I made a Canada joke yet?

They are an important strategic partner.

Okay. Here she comes.

What's she gonna teach you?

How to say sorry?

Just said stop.

Well, maybe she'll
introduce you to Santa Claus

- if you're lucky.
- Shut up.

General Martin.

Well, hello, NATO.

You must be the famous Quinns.

The rumors are true.

I could smell your base's
cheese a half a click out.

General Martin, it is an honor.

Canada is, of course, one of our...

One of our most important...

- Strategic partners.
- Strategic partners.

We are big fans of Canada.

Welcome. Can I get you coffee or tea?

Caffeine's for the unmotivated.

I'd like a tour.

This is our urban training site
with state-of-the-art equipment

to condition our troops
for any situation.

Mock buildings for
forced entry exercises.

A rock wall for terrain
skill development.

And this is our picnic table.

For people to have lunch.

What is that, a sandwich?

Yum.

This whole place here
was a useless bowling alley

until I turned it around.

This was your influence?

- Oh, yeah.
- That's impressive.

Thank you, General. Thank you.

General, would you care to see

the most advanced armed forces
laundry operation in all of Europe?

I'm sure it's not
advanced enough to deal

with my dirty laundry.

Your reputation for risque
humor precedes you, ma'am.

Well, there's not a lot of finishing
schools in Saskatoon.

You will be proud to know, Colonel,

that we use your training
methods on NATO troops.

Oh, really? Well, I'm very, very honored

to hear that, General.

I would like to hear more about that.

And I also hear you have something to do

with the NATO professional
development program?

It's a fine program.

Not as fine as this facility,
though, I have to say.

You know, we could
use an upgrade like this

at the NATO SHAPE base in Mons.

We mostly have glowing maps
and conference rooms.

And look, it's all fun and w*r games,

but how can you train soldiers

if you've forgotten how it feels
to hold a r*fle in your hand?

Yes, General. And you know what?

I still have my GL*CK knuckle callus

- from 35 years ago.
- Oh, please don't.

I love a GL*CK callus.

- You know?
- Oh, that's a big one.

- It is.
- I have one, too.

- You do?
- I'll save it.

General, I would love
to come to your base

and help assess the situation

and perhaps continue our conversation

about that professional
development group.

Captain, your letter got my attention.

And it brought me to this base,

so I would love to host you at mine.

- Awesome.
- Mm-hmm.

And...

Colonel Quinn, as well.

I would love to see
those conference rooms.

Well, they're great for
one-on-one meetings.

I'd love to have a one-on-one.

Mm-hmm. Me, too.

- Can I see your calluses?
- Yeah, yeah, right there.

Hey. Hey. I just heard.

Is it true?

You guys are really banning Shrek?

Yeah, the Colonel banned the movie.

Okay, yeah, but it's not
like a real order, right?

It's like one of his silly orders,

like when he told us
that we couldn't say,

"bless you" after sneezing anymore

because it was superstitious nonsense?

Orders are orders. No Shrek.

Okay. You are...

Too old to understand

how much this movie means
to our younger enlisted soldiers.

It's just a cartoon about a fat grinch.

I assume. I've only seen the poster.

You don't get it.

As kids, these soldiers saw Shrek

as this down-to-earth outsider.

It means something to them.

You know what means something to me?

Following a chain of command.

- Bless you.
- No.

Don't say it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So can you review these talking points

that I wrote up for our trip to NATO?

Where are you going?

I was going to pop over
and see General Martin,

make sure she knows where the defect is.

Hm-hmm. In that blazer?

This is my lucky blazer.

It's your lucky blazer.

It's not my fault that
I'm five for five in this.

- It's just a nice thing.
- Ah.

Don't sleep with General Martin, please.

- Why?
- I really don't want

things to get messy, okay?

- The program is so important to me.
- Why would it get messy?

This is what you do.

You'll sleep with a woman

and then come up with some excuse
like a fake phone call

that you have to go save America.

And then they're left there
alone and hurt.

It's a pattern that you have.

It's not a pattern.
It's a lifestyle choice.

I fought in two wars
and defend this country

so that all Americans have the right
to do whatever they want,

including wear whatever jacket they want

to say hello to somebody and
walk them over to the defect.

All right, all right.

I won't make my move
until you made your move.

Yes, thank you for your sacrifice.

It is a sacrifice.

Hey!

What's up?

I forgot where the dining hall is.

Oh, it's just across the lawn there.

- If you want me to...
- That sounds far.

I could use a drink to tide me over.

Oh.

Hey.

Nice place.

It's your place.

I know. Sometimes I just
forget and I re-admire it.

That's General Patton's g*n.

- Ooh.
- Yeah.

- Impressive.
- Yeah.

I've been sitting all day.

I think it's going to be
like a standing evening.

- Oh.
- Because I've just been...

Yeah, I was sitting all day.

- Oh.
- Pretty tight.

What's going on here?

- What do you mean?
- I mean,

it's clear we have a natural
attraction to each other, right?

- Yeah.
- I mean, why retreat from it?

It's perfect.

We're not in the same chain of command.

We're not even in the same army.

I know. The thing is, my daughter,

she thinks that my personal life

gets messy and she doesn't
want me to get messy with you.

Oh, I'm counting on it.

Oh. Well, so... So, get over here,

peel off my sex blazer,

and we'll see if you have
the fortitude to invade Canada.

Oh!

Wow.

Hey.

Now, I know some of you are upset about
recent programming changes.

I told you not to play with Shrek.

Okay. Since Shrek is your
favorite childhood movie,

I found the perfect substitute.

What is that? A giant vape?

It's not a vape.

This is a VHS,

and it contains a recording of
my favorite childhood movie,

The NeverEnding Story.

Enjoy.

Give it a shot. Just
give it a chance, okay?

They hate this.

Wait. A horse dies in this?

- We want Shrek.
- Hey, dude.

- Be cool.
- Dude?

- It's Major.
- Sorry.

Dude.

Major.

Listen. Why don't you take a walk?

Let us watch A Star is Born.

Okay. This is just a DVD of Shrek.

Prove it. Put it in.

You know what? No. No.

We're not watching Shrek.

That is an order.

Great.

Enjoy your flying dog, creep.

I'm leaving.

Let's get out of here.

Okay. He's a luck dragon.

And he's really cute and charming.

It was ahead of its time.

Oh, my God.

What happened to Canadians being polite?

It's a high altitude training perk.

I need very little oxygen.

I was getting a little worried.

You know?

- What?
- What's that scar?

Oh. !sis t*rror1st.

He was inside of a building.

So I smashed through a window,
grabbed him, pulled him right out.

- Oh. That's cool.
- Yeah.

I mean, you know.

Oh, my God.

- What's that from?
- Bar fight.

Moose jaw.

I won.

That's so much bigger than mine.

I know.

Cool.

Oh, boy. I...

- Man.
- Aw.

Looks like I gotta save Canada.

What?

I can't believe you said that.

- What?
- That's my move.

That's what I was just about to say.

I swear to God.

Well, you said you didn't
want things to get messy, so...

This is perfect.

This means it could just be a mutual
transmission of fluids.

Mm.

And you know, respect, obviously.

Hopefully not too much respect.

Good morning, Mags.

Oh, my God.

- What?
- You slept with General Martin.

No, I didn't. What are
you talking about? What?

You never say good morning, Mags.

You potentially destroyed my chances

at the NATO Professional
Development Program

after you said, "I won't
make things messy."

It's not messy. It's so cool.

She's the female version of me.

She actually even used my move on me

after we, you know, we're done having...

- Mm.
- You know, relations.

- Stop.
- She picked up her phone

and she was like, oh, I
gotta go save Canada.

I was like, really?
From what? The Yetis?

Let's say that she doesn't

- hate your guts yet.
- She doesn't.

She loves many parts of me.

Okay. Stop.

New plan.

You are just gonna give her this,
you're gonna talk me up,

and you are gonna help
secure me this mentorship.

Okay?

This is so heavy.

It's seven pounds.

Like, I'm begging you to just edit.

Go.

So I can go wash my brain.

Thanks for coming to
my neck of the woods.

I just couldn't turn down

the chance to have sex on a w*r table.

Next time, instead
of doing it on Canada,

can we do it on Russia?

Because I feel like if
we do it long enough,

Putin might actually find out.

Oh, he'll find out.

All right. Well, I gotta go.

And don't worry, I'm not
saving Canada this time.

If anything, I'm putting
her in more danger.

Hey.

Um, I was thinking, you know,
like, you and my daughter

should get to know each other better.

You know, she's a great girl.
She's really interesting.

- She's wicked smart.
- She's an impressive officer.

- You should be very proud.
- I'm so proud.

And I actually told her
that once under oath.

So, um, I was just thinking

that we could grab dinner and,

and, and get to know each other.

There's an Italian place nearby.

They do a family-style thing.

It's great.

- I thought maybe...
- I don't do family-style.

But they can do individual plates.

It's no big thing.

Anyways.

She gave me this,

which is a folder summing up her career

and her ideas about the future.

- Oh my God.
- I know.

What the hell is that?

She has an oddly shaped
head and it took us a while

to figure out what
haircut worked for her.

And that was not one
of the ones that worked.

But anyways, so it's all in here.

You can just get to, um...
Where you going?

Uh, call my office.

Okay. Well, we're still
on for tomorrow, right?

I'm sure it'll work out.

Ten hut!

Why are soldiers in the DFAC

eating raw onions like an apple?

Because it's Shrek's favorite food, sir.

Also a representation
of these many layers.

I am following orders.

And so should you.

You know who else was just

following orders?

Lord Farquaad's Knights.

Lord Farquaad is a nemesis...

No, I got it from context clues.

Thank you so much. This is ending now.

And no more playing
All Star by Smash Mouth.

- Terrible song.
- Hey now.

It's a classic.

What have you done?

Greening our sheets!

You've just been assigned latrine duty.

Oh, you can silence me.

But good luck silencing
the inser-Shrek-tion.

Yummy?

Ugh.

We've been waiting a long time.

Oh, she is a general.

- And everything went okay yesterday?
- Great.

You gave her my folder?

Yes, I showed her the folder.

- You showed her the folder?
- Yeah.

- Did she read the folder?
- No, she didn't have to.

Like, that's the thing.

She's obviously, like I
said, she's so into me.

General Martin can't
give the tour after all.

She's been pulled into
an important meeting.

Oh, okay.

Of course. Thank you, ma'am.

Got it.

You said that she was very into you.

- She is into me.
- Oh, then why is she blowing you off?

Women don't blow me off, honey.

Okay, well, you get pulled into

an important last-minute
meeting all the time.

And when you're doing that,
what does that mean?

It means I'm blowing them off. Come on.

- Where?
- Let's go.

- Dad, come back.
- Come on.

That's not what I do. Dad, stop.

Dad, stop.

Let's see what the hell
is going on here.

What? What the?

Oh, my God! This is your big meeting?

You're re-gripping your hockey stick?

Unbelievable.

It's called a Canadian break-up.

It's as direct as we can be.

You're breaking up with me?

That's a laugh.

This means w*r.

Look, I'm sorry.

Oh, you're sorry.

Oh, you're going to be
very sorry. You know what?

I'd like to challenge
you to one of these

little w*r games that
you supposedly run here

- in this toothless little dollhouse.
- He's very passionate.

Perhaps that is not the best idea,

considering Canada is one of our
most important strategic partners.

Most important strategic partners?

They're a bunch of
syrup-socking, puck-making losers.

You haven't won the Stanley Cup
with a Canadian team since 1993.

How dare you bring up
my country's greatest shame.

Fine. w*r it is.

You pick any country on the map

and I will use that country
to crush NATO.

Bhutan.

Bhutan it is. I love Bhutan.

Yeah, here we go.

Bhutan. I'm Captain Bhutan.

Dad, Bhutan is a pacifist
country with a million Buddhists.

I'm going to w*r with a bunch of...

Buddhists.

Hmm.

Um, okay. I'm going to double that bet.

Bhutan wins, which it
will because I'm running it.

My daughter gets the
professional mentorship thing.

How about that?

Okay. Well, you have a lot of confidence

or no faith in your daughter.

Let's find out which one.

I'm very confident.
That's which one it is.

Okay? Yeah. Okay.

Let's go.

You think you're cool?

It's pretty hot.

- Dad. Sir.
- Okay. All right.

This w*r table is
connected to an AI program

that immediately assesses

any geopolitical consequences
by military actions.

I remember when nuclear w*r
was still done by human hands

pushing big red buttons.

Okay. Let's begin.

Hmm. Um, my entire
professional future is now

tied to this w*r game, so
you're sure you can beat her?

- 100% sure.
- Great.

- No question in my mind.
- All right.

Just show me where Bhutan is.

Is it near Mexico?

- Bhutan...
- Oh.

Is here on the China-India border.

Oh, interesting.

Okay.

You, uh, ready to lock in?

- Oh, I'm locked in.
- Okay.

You think I got banned from
three trivia nights without locking in?

Okay.

What is happening here?

Okay. What is wrong with you all?

Get back to work. Clean
this up. That's an order.

It's a total revolt, sir.

I cannot believe that Papadakis

has inspired a rebelling
over a stupid cartoon.

This is a mutiny.

It's a very stupid mutiny.

We here at the
Indo-China-Bhutanese Alliance

respond with a drone squadron

in the mountainous region and
a*tillery at the northern border.

Now we're at a stalemate.

Not exactly, because while
you were digging trenches,

I was training the
Bhutanese Liberation Front

in the Himalayan caves.

You're leading an army
of Buddhist guerrillas.

Yeah.

We call it Karma.

And, you know, the BLF advantage

is that we only live in the moment

that and the nuclear weapons
that we have smuggled

into half a dozen
Eastern European cities.

That's a highly unusual move.

Yeah, but you can only
push Buddhists so far. Right?

Get ready to be reincarnated.

Can I talk to you
privately for a moment?

- Mm-hmm.
- Um...

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I think this is a little
aggressive, don't you?

- No.
- Yeah?

No, I would rather
trigger nuclear winter

than lose my mentorship
because I played it too safe.

- Trust me.
- Okay.

Whew!

Your turn.

Papadakis, this is out of control.

You gotta call it off.

You know, Major, I was
never asking for slack.

I was only asking for Shrek.

I wish it was that easy.

It is that easy.

The base has Shrek
on, like, DVD, Blu-ray,

audiobook, even that weird big vape.

It's called a VHS, and
it is the colonel's order.

He isn't here.

It's your order now.

Conway, you volunteered
for latrine duty?

I'm finally serving a
cause I can believe in.

You told us to act like soldiers.

Only question now is...

What kind of soldier are you?

Is that a line from Shrek?

Only one way to find out.

NATO forces invade the BLF,
the Bulgarian terror cell.

That is too bad, cause
we were never there.

We were in North
Macedonia the whole time.

- North Macedonia?
- North Macedonia.

One of NATO's newest members,

but they agreed to house us

in exchange for a nuclear weapon,

which is the reward that we offer for

any country willing to join the
Indo-China-Bhutanese Alliance.

Oh my God.

And then the eastern
block will join you,

and the NATO Alliance
is permanently broken.

Just kidding. Just kidding.

Wow. Crazy.

Impressive, right?

See, I told you.

That's why you should have
had that family-style dinner

- with the three of us.
- Sorry.

Did you invite a woman
that you barely know

to a family-style dinner?

Yeah. I mean...

- Well, that's insane.
- I'm insane?

You're the Bhutanese Bin Laden.

I mean, no wonder she blew us off.

- That's not why she blew me off.
- Oh, yes it is.

No, it freaked me out.

I thought you were going to
propose going on a Disney cruise

as a family next.

Oh. Hang on a second.

Child 911.

- Hmm.
- Oh.

Look, he is not
invested in family at all,

but he did raise a daughter who knows

her way around a w*r game,
which I think I just won.

So, about that...

Captain, I can't in good
conscience let a maniac like you

out on the street without my guidance.

Therefore, the mentorship
is yours. Congratulations.

Thank you, ma'am.

- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

So, looks like Shah overrode
my Shrek ban on the base,

and he says we have
to show the film tonight

because it has generational importance.

Shrek. I love Shrek.

Mike Myers. He's our guy.

He's our Canada guy.

Can I come and see it?
I haven't seen it in a while.

Sure. I'll just tell Shah
to save us a couple seats.

- I'm so excited.
- Yeah. Oh, that's great. Great.

- Wow.
- You're going to watch Shrek?

Yeah. If she's
watching it. I'll watch it.

- Okay.
- It's, uh, what is he?

Is he a giant fat frog, right?

Mm-hmm.

You made the right choice, Shah.

I'm glad we didn't have to k*ll you.

You know, I always
wanted to date somebody

that was basically the female
version of me, you know?

Hey, can I touch your callus again?

Oh, yeah. Go ahead.

Last and final offer, Colonel.

I'll agree to one shared holiday.

I'll give you Boxing Day.

Any 24-hour rendezvous can
turn into a 48-hour rendezvous,

but at that point, the clock resets,

and it's a mutually agreed-upon


- Fine.
- Okay.

Terms of endearment, I will accept.

Special someone, main squeeze, gal pal.

I'm never gonna say gal pal.

Done.

All right.

Lock the doors.

Let's test the bounds of this agreement.