03x09 - Sunday New York Times, $6

[bunniefuu]

- I still can't believe
this is happening.

- Oh, it's happening.

- I used to love the
Sacramento Children's Theater

when I was a kid.

If only little
theater dork Sarah

knew that one day they would
be putting on her play,

"Unsung Sheroes."

What?

- Usually you say
the full title.

- "A Musical Celebration

of Groundbreaking Women from
Sacagawea to Sotomayor"?

We don't have time for that.

Oh, did I pack Greta
Thunberg's raincoat?

- Yes. It's with Joan
Jett's leather pants

and Jane Fonda's leotard.
- Okay.

Ready?

Go, go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Okay.

- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you.

But I'll be back for Christmas.

Maybe sooner if
staying with my parents

drives me absolutely insane.

- Well, you're welcome
to be here instead

when my parents come visit.

- I'm actually bummed
I'm gonna miss them.

- That's because they're
on their best behaviour

when you're around.

Otherwise, they
never stop arguing.

They are the only people

to get kicked out of a
Jimmy Buffett concert

for literally fighting over
a cheeseburger in paradise.

- Okay.

Do you want me to cancel?

Because if you do, just
say the word and I will.

- No, I'll be fine.

- Okay, great.

Because you know, I
got time off from work

and packing all this
stuff was just a lot.

Aw!

- Oh, we didn't pack
Dolly Parton's wig.

- Oh, that's okay. I'll
just wear it in the car.

Pulling it off?

- Yeah.

- Hear me, hear me.

- Actually, it's "ye."

- Who the hell is ye?

- You know, yeah,
just keep going.

- A toast to Tom Hayworth

on making "The New York
Times" Best Seller list.

- Ah, it's not that big a
deal. It's only number nine.

- It is a big deal.

- I know. It's a huge deal!

Number nine, baby! Whoo!

I did it!

It is so strange knowing

how we're gonna pay the
mortgage this month.

What is this odd
sensation that I'm having?

- Could it be that you're happy?

- Is this what that feels like?

- Hey, are you around this week?

I could use some
backup with my parents.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I
know they're a handful.

I'm just really busy at work.

- Oh, did you get a design job?

- I wish. Dumb law
stuff at the firm.

I turned down a chance to
design a billiard room.

- Like in "Clue"?

- Yes. Imagine
all the murders.

- Well, you could always
swing by my slice of paradise.

I think your parents are cool.

And Jimmy is my
second-favourite Buffett.

Behind Warren, of course.
- Thanks.

But are you sure?

Now that they're retired, they
have more energy to argue.

- Denise, come on. We're
practically family.

I dated your sister.

I could have been
your brother-in-law.

- You are my brother-in-law.

- Thanks. That's really
sweet of you to say.

- ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey! ♪

- Huh.

Honey, did Connor give
the twins cash again?

Oh, this is sex cash.

- Remember?

We said if you made it
to the Best Sellers list,

we'd have sex on
the stacks of cash

like a couple of bank robbers?

- And you agreed because you
assumed it would never happen?

- Well, it was either
this or the other thing,

and I am never doing
the other thing.

It's gonna be
so much better than last year

when we had to do this
on a single paycheque.

- I felt so dirty cashing it.
- Did you?

- Tom?
- Mm-hmm?

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

- You thinking about our
getaway driver who got caught?

Don't worry.

It just means more
dinero for us.

Seeing all this
cash laid out here like this...

- Yeah, I know.
It's a little gross.

I really was hoping they'd give
us new dollar bills, but...

Maybe we could put
a sheet on top.

- No.

Well, yeah, probably
just... This is very gross.

But...

What if this is it for me?
- Oh, God.

- No, I mean, what if my
career has reached its peak?

- And... 11 hours.

- What?

- You managed 11
hours of happiness

before you started to worry.

- I'm not worried,
I'm... Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, what if I'm worried?

- Tom, you got on the
Best Sellers list.

That is a big deal!
You should be ecstatic!

I'm still glowing from
redecorating Gretchen's room,

and that was two months ago.

You should do something
to savour this moment.

- You mean like
see a magic show?

I guess there's this
new close-up guy

who's doing some
pretty innovative stuff

with cups and ba*ls.

- Or you could grab some
of this gross money,

which has sunscreen on it.

Oh, I hope that's sunscreen.
- Okay.

- And buy something
to celebrate.

- Yeah, you know
what? I'm gonna do it.

Right after I see
that magic show.

Or no, instead of
the magic show.

That's better.

So, uh, should we still...

- I think we need
to burn the sheets.

Oh, thank God.

- Mom, Dad,

the constant
bickering has to stop.

It's toxic.

No, no, let me finish.

It's infecting your
relationship with me

and my kids, okay?

- Oh, just stop it, Jay!
- No, you stop it!

Oh, you couldn't take...

- I hope they take it
as well as you did.

- Woman, I'm just
getting started!

You two aren't even in the
apartment and you're already...

Hugging?
- Denise!

Your father is so hilarious.
He just told me a joke.

It's like I'm living
with Steve Harvey.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
He is much funnier.

Oh!

But hey, I do look
good in a suit!

- Wow, look at you
two, getting along.

- Yeah, yeah, we are
just so happy to see you.

- Yes.
- And our grandbabies.

Where's Kelvin? Does he
have a moustache yet?

And if not, why not?

- They are on their
way back from the park.

- Mm.
- But we can get you settled.

You two can sleep in my bedroom,

and I will sleep on the couch.

- Ah.
- Oh, no need.

We're just gonna stay in the RV.

- What RV?

- After we sold our
dental practice,

then we bought an RV.

You might say it's our...
- Wait for it.

Molar home.

- I told you. It's
like he's Steve Harvey.

I told you!
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

Steve RV.

- Uh-uh! You are so bad!
- Huh? Huh?

Very bad.

Anyway, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We drove it all the
way from Tampa Bay.

- You chose to
drive cross-country

in a confined space together?

- Oh, RV life is so fun.

It's like we're on
a non-stop vacation.

- Mm-hmm.

- Our vacations were the
worst. You two always fought.

- Oh, Denise,
you're exaggerating.

- We're banned from
Spirit Airlines,

and they need customers.

- Hey, honey.

I took your advice on enjoying
the fruits of my success,

and I did it.

I actually bought
myself something.

- That's great, but
I've had a long day.

Could I see your R2-D2

or wearable Hobbit
feet or whatever later?

- I got something
even better. Come on.

I gotta show you right
now. Sorry. Come on.

Ta-da!

- You bought a hot tub?

- I did. I bought a hot tub.

Always wanted one,
now I got one.

- I'm surprised.

Hot tub doesn't
exactly scream, "Tom."

- Yeah, I know.

But growing up, our next-door
neighbours had a hot tub,

and I was always so
jealous listening to them

soaking in the tub
and popping Frescas.

Always sounded like

they were having such
a blast, you know?

So I think they did a
lot of hardcore drugs.

All right, you want to take
this bad boy out for a spin?

- Hells yeah.

I choose to jacuzz.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna put on
my bathing suit!

- I'm gonna pop a Fresca!

Oh, boy.

That's
a little spicy.

- Ultimately, it's about
taking responsibility,

about accepting the
blame for your actions.

Until you do that,
you'll always be adrift.

Anyways, that's what I think
"Margaritaville" is about.

Mm.

- That's a great
interpretation, Connor.

- It is so nice to
see people your age

getting into real music.

- Yeah.

- Look, look... what are your
thoughts on "Jamaica Mistaica"?

- I think we've covered enough
of Jimmy Buffett's catalogue.

- Can I tell you the
chicken is just amazing?

I have eaten every bite.

- Oh, here, baby. You
can have a piece of mine.

- Oh, thank you.
- Absolutely.

- Here you go there.
- Mm.

- You know, there's
more in the kitchen,

so you can just stop that.

Oh, you got me.

And Connor,

your place is even
nicer than JoJo said.

- How is JoJo, by the way?
- Oh, she is great.

You know she's gonna be on
"Influencer Lagoon All-Stars"?

- Yeah, think she's got a
real shot to win it too,

if she takes down that
D'Amelio sister from season...

I
mean I watch sports.

I don't
watch that kind of stuff.

Oh. Huh.

- You two were
such a cute couple.

You seeing anyone now?

- No, but I'm out there.
You know, on the apps.

The dating apps.

Kinda like going to a
bar, but on your phone.

- We know what apps are.

I mean, we're old, but
we're not that old.

- I am just so grateful that

I met Jay the old-fashioned way.

- Her father's
horse kicked my car.

Remember that?
- That was the day.

That was the day.

- They seem really happy.

- I know.

And I'm gonna get
to the bottom of it.

- Ay-yi-yi.
- Oh, yeah.

It's nice, right?
- Mm!

- Actually, it's a little loud.

There we go.

- This might be the best
idea you have ever had.

- Well, you're the
one who talked me into

spending it myself, so.

- That's right.

This is the best
idea I've ever had.

Mm! Feel that heat.
104 on the dot.

- It's perfect.
- Fantastic.

It's a little chlorine-y,
though, right?

- No, I think it smells fine.
- Okay, cool.

Water's a little hard, though.
- What? Hard?

- No, I'm just saying we
should probably use a softener.

It's like a pH thing.

- The water feels like water.

Maybe you should just,
you know, enjoy it.

- Totally.

- Let the hot tub take the wheel.
- Yeah.

What is it?
- What?

Nothing, nothing.

Just the electric
meter's going crazy.

Didn't really think about what
this'll do to our power bill.

- Okay, let's swap places.
- Okay.

How's this gonna
help lower our bill?

- It'll prevent you
from seeing the meter.

- Right.

Well, this is perfect.

Whoo! Tub life!

- Mm.

- Okay, I can see
into Mrs. Kim's house.

And if I can see her,
then she can see me.

- Mrs. Kim is not
looking at you.

Can you please focus?
We're in a hot tub!

I'm wearing a
swimsuit. Do the math.

- Oh. Yeah, well...

math was always one of
my favourite subjects.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

- Tom!
- Got a dead bee.

Got a dead bee in here.
Don't worry, I got it.

Whoa, I don't got
it! It's alive.

It is very much alive!

We might be dealing with
a m*rder hornet here.

I'm gonna go get a knife.

- Right behind you.

Who thought of that?

- Okay, enough.

You two are usually at
each other's throats

and now you're all
sweet and affectionate.

It's too much.
What is going on?

- Well, if you must know...

your father and I have been
seeing a couples therapist.

- We're learning to listen
to each other's needs

and be more flexible.
- Mm-hmm.

- Couples therapy.

Sarah's gonna be so
mad she missed this.

- Judith... That's
our therapist...

- Yeah.

- She taught us all
about savouring life.

Speaking of,

there is a gorgeous
bridge out there

that I would love to stare
at with a gorgeous lady.

- Survey says you're
talking about me.

Come on.

- Oh, yes. Thank you.

- Watch yourself.
- Okay. Thank you.

- Maybe they really
have changed.

- Yeah, cool, whatever.

Hey, you really need
to see this profile.

- Oh, Connor, I don't want
to see your dating apps.

Let me guess.

She likes "The Office"
and is pretty random.

- I was swiping through new
singles in the area and...

I came across this.

- Huh. That thirsty
lady looks like my mom.

Oh, that thirsty lady is my mom.

- Yeah. I don't have an
age setting on right now.

I'm trying out some new stuff.

- Oh, hey. There you are.

How was your walk?

- Great. Invigorating.

- Okay, well, the kids
are already asleep

and your father's
having a land shower.

- A what?

- That's what we
"RV people" call

a shower inside of a building.

Hey, are you okay?

You were awfully quiet on
the drive back from Connor's.

- I know what's going on.
You're cheating on Dad.

- Cheating? No.

- Yes. I saw you
on Connor's app.

He has no age setting 'cause
he's trying some stuff.

- Wait. It's not
what you think.

- Oh, so I didn't see

a profile pic of you
suggestively eating ice cream

in a sweater I bought
you for Christmas?

- Uh, okay, well, it's
partly what you think.

- Ugh!
- But... oh.

- I need a drink.

- Hey, hey, hey, Tammy.

I got a match that
says she's DTF.

Now look, I also
Desire True Friendship,

but does that mean that
she doesn't wanna...

- No, no, no,
no, no. Jay, Jay.

- What is happening?

- Oh, h-hey, Denise.

How was your walk?

- Honey, this is what
I'm trying to tell you.

No one is cheating.

- Your father and I are...

in an open relationship.

- Oh.

It's just an open relationship.

Yes.

Okay, that's great.

- Denise, have some class.

- Okay, all right.

So you're in an
open relationship.

So you're just, like, what,
doing it with other couples?

No, no,
no, of course not.

That's swinging.

That's
a common mistake.

- Look, look, look, Denise.

Your mother and I, we
are very much in love.

- Mm-hmm.

- But we're also on individual
journeys of sexual exploration.

- So when you said that

you were listening to
each other's needs,

you're talking
about those needs?

- And we've met some
very lovely people.

It's not all sexual.
- No, no.

Well, it's mostly sexual.

- It is mostly sexual.

- Please stop saying sexual.

- Okay, fine. Sensual.

- Oh, that's so much worse.

- Denise, we really didn't
want you to find out this way.

- Or at all.

- I'm gonna go
take a land shower.

- Okay.

- Rule 12,

you must remain seated in
the hot tub at all times.

Rule 13, no fingers in the jets.

Rule 14, no splashing.

Rule 15, no laughing.

It could be mistaken
for screaming,

which might cause alarm.

Now, has anyone had diarrhoea
in the past couple weeks?

- Should we just watch a movie?
- Yeah.

- Okay, but you guys are
missing out on rule 16.

Rule 16 is have fun!

- Oh, excuse me. Can you
grab me one, sweetie?

Left me hanging.

- Wow.

- Sure seems like we're
in hot water with her.

- Jay, now is not the
time for Steve Harvey.

- You're right.

- Although that was clever.
- Thank you.

- Look at them in
there. Disgusting.

- Okay, emotions
are obviously high.

Why don't we try one of
your calming techniques?

Just close your eyes.

Now, imagine you're holding
an energy gem in one hand

and, like, a moonshine
incense crystal in the other.

- Are you making up crystals?

- It's not my area of expertise.

- I'm going inside.

- I have never seen
her this upset.

I should go talk to her.
- No. I'll do it.

I'm the one who
swiped on her mom.

- Mm.

- Hey, Jay, Tamara.

How those jets treating you?

- Oh, perfect!

- Think I should alert them
to the risk of filter fungus?

- Tom, it's a
two-day-old hot tub.

- Let's keep the hands
above water, guys.

Just for... for fun.
Keep 'em up there!

- Why can't they be
like normal old folk?

They should be telling
people to get off their lawn,

not getting it on with
people on their lawn.

- Are they doing that?

- Probably. I don't know.

- I know this must be rough,

but you were dreading
them coming here

because of how much they bicker.

Now they're getting
along. Isn't that better?

- They are driving a sex
barge across the country.

- I get it, okay?

No one wants to picture
their parents doing it,

smashing off the
side of Route 66,

up against the St. Louis Arch,

looking over Niagara Falls,

maybe using the energy
from the Red Rocks to...

really get after...

- Connor.

- Yeah, sorry. I
kinda want an RV.

But the point is they're
not actually hurting anyone.

Unlike when my dad straight
up cheated on my mom

or when Emily cheated on me.

They're just being
honest with each other

and it's making them happy.

Maybe it's possible something
can be weird and pretty gross,

but also not wrong?

- I hate that you're giving
me a lot to think about.

- I know, right? Not
usually my thing.

Hey, could you
actually text Sarah

and tell her I'm being
super smart and sensitive?

- You know what? I'm
getting in there.

- Good for you, honey.
You deserve to enjoy it.

- No, I want to make sure

their suits don't get
sucked into the intake.

Jay's wearing some baggy trunks.

- Okay, Tom.

The idea was to get something
that would make you happy,

and I'm feeling like
that is not this.

- What are you talking
about? I love the hot tub.

It's so relaxing.

Don't I look relaxed?

- Okay, fine.

I've been a stress case
since we bought this thing.

What do you want me
to say? I'm miserable.

- So then just return it
and get something else.

- Like what?

A car loses half its value
once you drive it off the lot,

you get a new computer,

boom, they come out with
a better one, and...

I know I'm not cool enough
to pull off a banjo.

- There's gotta be something

that you can spend
that money on.

- What if there's not?

What if I'm incapable
of enjoying myself?

- Massage chair?
- They catch fire.

- Hey, I saw the truck
from Hot Tub Depot.

- Yup, she's gone.

I don't think that grass
is ever growing back.

- Well, I have been thinking

of ways that you
could use the money.

There's a wizarding camp.

Don't worry. It's
mostly adults.

- No, no, I've... I've given up.

I don't think there's anything

I could buy for myself
that'll make me happy.

- Aw, Tom. I'm sorry.

- No, it's okay. I know what
I wanna spend the money.

Making you happy.

I want you to quit
your job at the firm

and focus on your design
business full-time.

- Tom, that's crazy. What?

- What are you talking about?
You did the same thing for me.

I wanna take my book
money and do that for you.

I mean,
that would be amazing,

but the firm is steady work.

The design thing, who knows?

- I do.

You are so talented.

- Tom, I don't know if I
could let you do that for me.

- Oh, well, this isn't
for you. This is for me.

Yeah, this is totally selfish.

I have this weird thing about

my wife being fulfilled
and not miserable.

It's, like...
- Mm.

- I don't know, it's
kind of my kink.

- Ugh, you sick man.

Thank you.

- See, you, you're my hot tub.

- Mm.

And you are my filter fungus.

That's right.

'Cause you're never
getting rid of me.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Mrs. Kim is watching us.

- See, I told you.

- You know what?

Let her.
- All right.

- Hey.
- Oh, well, hey, baby girl.

- Hey.
- Can we talk?

- Of course.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on out.

- Well, we were thinking

the last thing that we want is
for you to feel uncomfortable.

- Yeah, so tomorrow,

we're gonna climb inside
Susan and get out of here.

Susan's what we call the RV.

- Oh, um, no. You
don't have to do that.

I just wanted to apologise
for how I reacted.

That was not my best moment.

- Oh, we understand.

It must've come as such a shock.

And looking back,

I would say that my
photo with the ice cream

was a little suggestive.

- In mine, I'm holding a banjo.

Which is pretty
cool.

- Well, I also just shouldn't
have been so judgmental.

- No, no, baby. It's okay.

- No, it's not. You
two never judge me.

Even when I came out as g*y

or changed from pre-med
to folklore and mythology.

- Yeah, that was tough.

- All you ever wanted
was for me to be happy,

and I want the same for you.

- Sweetie, we are
happy. We are.

- Yeah, and we are
so proud of you

and the life that you
built here with Sarah.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- I love you both.

- We love you.
- Aw, we love you too.

You know that.

- And I can't believe I'm
saying this, but Dad...

- Mm-hmm?

- The banjo's not gonna
get you a lot of swipes.

- I tried to tell him.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Hey!
- Oh, there he is!

- How was your first
official day as a designer?

- Amazing.

No legal briefs, no
documents redaction.

I wore sneakers.

- Well, you know what?

If you're happy, then I'm happy.

And I want you to
know something.

I'm gonna stop getting
in my head so much.

I'm done worrying about
every little thing.

- I love hearing that.

Ooh, also

I met this new contractor
that I'm gonna partner with.

Come meet him.
- What, he's here right now?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, cool.

What the hell?

- Hey, I'm Santiago.

- Hey, I'm Tom.

- Also known as the man
who brought us together.

Oh. I-I
wouldn't say that.

- I would. I mean, if it
wasn't for you, this...

Wouldn't be happening.

- So what exactly,
uh, is happening?

- Thank you so much for making
your wife available to me.

Well, she's all yours.

I love that I did this.

So great.

- No ice cream, no
candy, no gum in the tub.

In fact, you know what?

No sugary substances at all,

unless you have a
medical issue, which...

Yeah, you can come tell
me about privately.

What else? Okay,
rule number nine.

Guys, no politics, okay?

Weather talk is allowed,
even encouraged.

Speaking of which,

you should all be on
the lookout for storms.

Remember,
precipitation equals...

Evacuation.

We'll work more on that
later. Yes, Gretchen?

- Could you please explain the
verbal warning system again?

Great question.

- Gretchen!
- What?

I don't want to
commit a tub flub.

- You guys gotta
start taking her lead.