01x08 - OMG! Jayden's mom is back!

[bunniefuu]

- Mm. Good smoothies, Claire.

- Thanks.

I dropped some gummy worms

in there and just went with it.

We might need a new blender.

Hey, Jayden. How are you doing?

How would you be if the Internet troll

who preyed upon your ankle insecurity

and baited you into posting

a humiliating clapback video

turned out to be your estranged mother

with whom you'd not spoken in years?

Yes, I hate when that happens.

I had no idea things were so bad

between you and your mom.

If you don't mind me asking,

what happened between you two?

- Give him space!

- What's going on?

[shouting]

It's too difficult for Jayden

to tell the story with words,

- so he tells it with dance.

- Okay.

Jayden came out of his

mother's womb with a pointed toe.

It was a medical emergency,

but a performance marvel.

[Grant] That's when his mother knew

he was talented.

She became his manager,

and he started modeling.

And their careers took off.

He walked the runway

at every Kohl's in the United States.

[Solana]They were booking gigs,

making money, living the fast life

all the way into Jayden's teens.

[Grant] Jayden grew to resent his mom's

domineering, momagerial style.

[Claire] She made him practice

his runway walks over and over,

constantly nit-picking every move.

The pressure was so high

that he used to pull at his earlobe,

which stretched it enough to mess up

his perfectly symmetrical face.

With all that pressure from his mom,

Jayden reached a breaking point.

He felt like a wilting flower.

Wow. That was Oh, it's not over.

This part's new.

Uh, they haven't spoken since

he fired her, and now she's [gasps]

blackmailing him?

She's demanding he meet her in person

if he wants the trolling to stop.

Holy sh

[theme music playing]

Hey, where's pottery Dave?

I noticed he slept over again last night

because your stuffed animal friends

were crammed under the sink.

He's getting ready.

He's very passionate about brushing

each sector of his mouth for 30 seconds.

You have been seeing

a lot of each other, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, everyone.

- Dave.

- Hey, Dave.

Dude, I finally saw that movie

you recommended.

- Titanic?

- Yeah.

It's crazy what people come up with.

Oh! I almost forgot.

Claire, I have a gift for you.

Aw, you shouldn't have.

Ta-da! A vase.

- Oh, I love that you stuck with pottery.

- Oh, thanks.

The teacher said, while I'm not improving,

I am wasting a lot of clay.

I think it's perfect.

Ha. I think you two are the cutest.

And I find straight kissing inappropriate.

Hey, what is that, Grant? Smells great.

[sniffing] Mm.

My mom's casserole.

Every year, she sends a bunch of pans

from Nebraska for me to freeze.

Jayden's mom dance

made me think about my mom,

so I had to eat some.

You want a slice, Jay?

Might make you feel better.

It has 47 ingredients.

The second most important one is love.

The most important one is Velveeta.

No, thanks. I'm fine.

You don't have to worry about me.

I just have to have a sit-down

with the woman who gave me life

and then systematically

tried to destroy it.

You're not thinking

of meeting up with her, are you?

I don't have a choice.

It's classic Jasmine.

The exact tactic she used to ensure

I was named Homecoming King every year,

including the year

the quarterback got paralyzed

and everyone wanted to "rally around him."

Be careful. It sounds like

you guys have a toxic dynamic.

Don't worry, I'm fully prepared.

I will not let her suck me

into any of her mind games.

I'm taking a scooter so I can approach

the restaurant through the alley.

Or I could give you a ride.

I'm headed out now.

Dave, you continue to be the best.

- See you later.

- Bye.

[mouthing] I love him.

Oh, I'm so happy Jayden likes Dave.

Why wouldn't he? Dave is awesome.

He explained to me what a 401(k) is.

Still have no idea.

You like him too.

Chelsea, what do you think?

Yeah, Dave's great.

He's got the sweetness of a Mister Rogers

but the sex appeal of a

well, a Mister Rogers.

That's so good to hear.

- Solana?

- Yes?

- Do you like Dave too?

- I'm not sure.

Good.

Wait, what? Not really sure?

Hello, Mother.

Jayden, sweetie.

Come, sit.

I ordered you a Pellegrino. With lemon.

That's how I like it.

What's the point of bubbles

- without a little zing?

- Without a little zing?

Look at us two.

Don't I know my son?

Let's get you your favorite crudité.

Okay. I could go for a gherkin.

What Oh, God, no.

I will not let you lure me

into some false sense of security.

You are blackmailing me.

Why am I here?

I just wanted to talk.

I've been watching your career,

and I am concerned

with the direction it's taken.

Look how poorly you handled

this ankle-gate thing.

You're the one who created ankle-gate!

And I'm the one who can fix it.

Jayden, sweetie

I want to manage you again.

Hmm?

I'm I'm sorry?

And this is how you tell me?

I didn't know how else

to get in touch with you.

You ignore my calls and e-mails,

and the one time I saw you at the airport,

you jumped into an x-ray machine

so we couldn't talk.

And I'm glad I did.

That's how I found out

"hands up, feet apart"

is one of my most flattering poses.

I'm sorry I had to go to such

extreme lengths to get you here,

but you left me no choice.

What do you say?

What do I say?

I say, no.

Absolutely not.

I will not fall for your charms,

and I don't need you anymore.

I live in a house that has a snack drawer.

Oh! Without a lock!

Goodbye, Jasmine.

That's too bad, Jayden,

because I have Nike.

Did you say Nike?

- Wow. You know, you're inspiring me.

- To work out?

No, to have ice cream.

Oh. Freezer drawer was left open.

Oh, God, not for long, I hope.

All my mom's casseroles are in there.

Mama's casserole!

Can't you just refreeze it?

No. It's made with unpasteurized dairy

from my family cow, Doris.

You can't refreeze those. It'll go bad.

Six trays of my mother's love

and hard work will go to waste.

I have to eat it.

You're going to eat a year's-worth

of dairy-heavy casserole in a day?

I can't live with myself if I don't.

I'm not sure I'll be able

to live with you if you do.

Hey. Is now a good time to talk?

Sure, but be careful what you say,

desert plants are always listening.

Okay.

Um, so I probably misread this,

but when everyone said they liked Dave

and you said you weren't sure,

you meant you liked him too, right?

Like, sometimes

how people say, "I'm not sure,"

but they mean, "I like him too"?

I don't mess with affairs of the heart.

I'm not asking you as a guru,

I'm asking you as one of my best friends.

Your opinion is important.

Don't you trust your feelings?

Well, I mean

I do have a history of not making

the best relationship choices.

But, yeah, I trust my feelings.

But I also trust yours.

Well, to be honest,

I don't really know Dave.

You know him. Dave!

Loves a chicken parm,

always keeps floss on him,

has season tickets to a trampoline

slam-dunk league. Dave.

I know who you're talking about,

I just don't "know him" know him.

If you want, we could hang out.

Just the three of us.

That way, I can tell you what I think.

Oh, that would be so great. Thank you.

Okay, bye, Solana.

Bye, cactus.

One down, five to go.

Feeling great, Chels. Do you want some?

Oh. No, thanks.

I try to stay away from foods

that are on the verge of curdling.

Hey, how did it go?

Great.

Oh, I'm so glad. You should be proud

of yourself for standing up to

I re-signed with her.

Jayden?

I don't know how,

but she got me this campaign for

Pausing for dramatic effect.

Nike!

Nice, Jay.

I stood up too fast.

That's a casserole no-no.

This campaign is perfect for me.

They're debuting

a gender-neutral sports purse,

and everyone knows

I look amazing with carrying wear.

My mom is coming over

to help me try on different looks

before the reps from Nike get here.

That sounds great.

But aren't you worried about falling back

into those unhealthy patterns

you so eloquently

danced about this morning?

Did you not hear me

when I said that it's Nike?

Yeah, Nike!

It kind of tickles.

Tickles? Interesting.

Dave, what is your birthday,

time of birth,

and which direction was your mother's

canal facing when you entered this world?

Uh February 15, around 3 p.m.,

and I try not to ask

my mom about her vag*na.

Solana, can I talk to you for a sec?

Over there, where Dave can't hear us?

Make sure to keep your thoughts

entirely about the eagles,

- or we'll start all over.

- The football team or the band?

The bird, Dave!

What's going on?

I thought you wanted to get to know Dave,

not freak him out

so he'll never want to see me again.

I can stop if you want, but I wouldn't

be able to tell you if I like him.

No, no, keep going, I guess.

Okay, then. I'm going to need

some one-on-one time,

- so I'll be taking Dave to a sweat lodge.

- What?

A man can only truly be honest

when his pores are open

and his back is tired from sitting

crisscross applesauce.

I guess that's fine, but please be nice.

- Of course.

- Okay.

All right, Dave, the weird stuff is over.

Now put on this blindfold

and walk backwards into my car.

I've never seen you labor this hard,

not even during deadlifts.

Not that I'm watching you

while you exercise.

I'm in a tremendous amount of pain.

But I've got to push through for Mom.

You know, she'd really like you.

Yeah? Why?

Because she likes everyone.

Uh-oh.

My belly button just went outie.

That can't be good.

Okay. I think it's time to stop, really.

No. I've got this.

[groaning]

Okay, all right, that's it.

Hand me a fork, I'm jumping in.

Are you sure?

Just consider it

my calcium intake for the year.

- [doorbell rings]

- I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it.

- Hello.

- Hi, Mom.

Oh, your place is cute.

Teal with yellow accents.

Reminds me of your signature look.

Teal polo layered under a yellow polo,

both collars popped, and

[both] Puka shells!

That was a great look, Mommy.

Grant, Chelsea, I'd like to introduce you

to a very special lady in my life.

My manager.

Jasmine Jay J. Meixiu Jiang. Pleasure.

Hi. Grant.

Hello, Chelsea, nice to meet you.

This isn't our typical snack.

Normally, we have gummy worm smoothies.

Wonderful to meet you both.

Jayden, let's see what flatters

before the Nike people arrive.

Are you asking for a Jayden J. Jay

Michael Jiang fashion show?

Indeed, I am.

I don't think this is going to end well.

You'll probably have a tummy ache,

but it'll be worth it.

[groans]

Yes, hello, Solana.

It's me, Claire, your roommate.

You know who I am.

Uh, this is my fourth voicemail.

I just wanted to see when you

might be done getting to know Dave,

and to make sure you weren't

totally freaking him out

or making him drink some weird elixir,

or using those leeches

you always talk about.

You know what?

I'll come. I will be there soon.

Okay, I love you, bye. This is Claire.

To your mother's

endless devotion to milk fat.

May it not k*ll us mid-tray,

like my Uncle Larry.

I'm sorry, what?

Grant, sweetie, have you ever

thought about modeling?

Thought about it? No.

But I have been on the cover

of a few magazines.

Mommy? You ready?

Bring it, baby.

[techno music playing over speakers]

Oh! That's it.

That's my Jay-Jay.

And chin! There it is.

Calvin Klein, not Kevin Kline.

Right. Sorry.

Wear the purse.

Don't let the purse wear you.

Okay. I'm sorry.

Honey, you have the body of a dancer

and the face of a baby doll.

We don't want to throw all that away

by walking like a goblin, do we?

No. "Walking like a goblin,"

that's a great note, thank you.

Use it.

- Stop, stop, stop.

- [music stops]

We're selling Nike, not ChapStick.

Oh, I just thought I'd have fun with it.

And what do we say about fun?

Fun is a concept that ugly people made up

to feel better about eating nachos.

[Jasmine] That's right.

- Let's try it again, shall we?

- Right. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

My lopsided earlobe. It's happening again.

[Chelsea gasps]

The wilting flower!

It blooms!

Mommy

I can't do this.

That's what Uncle Larry said

before we lost him.

Solana.

I'm trying to knock

but this material is too soft! Solana!

Is something wrong?

Yes, something is wrong.

You won't answer my calls.

- Is Dave conscious?

- He's fine.

Well, get him out of there.

He dehydrates easily!

You wanted to know if I like Dave.

I don't care if you like Dave,

because I like Dave,

and that's all that matters!

Why are you clapping?

Did I perform a monologue

from Dawson's Creek again?

No, I'm clapping

because you figured it out.

I'm proud of you.

Wait a second. So

So you tortured him all day

with total nonsense

just to help me realize that

I don't need anyone else's approval?

That is so nice.

I wasn't torturing him.

Dave!

She didn't even turn on the heat.

I did get sweaty in my pits,

but that's me anywhere.

Oh, honey.

We played backgammon the whole time.

- You mean you cheated the whole time.

- I did not.

Wait, are you guys friends now?

Yes, Claire, because I like Dave.

Well, I don't care.

But also, yay!

Oh

- Jayden

- Let me guess,

you came out here to give me more notes.

Did I not storm out of the room properly?

Do I have broccoli in my teeth?

Wait. Do I have broccoli in my teeth?

No, Jayden.

Listen.

The day that you were born was

the scariest day of my life.

Not how I was hoping

that sentence would end.

No, not because you weren't amazing,

and not because I didn't

instantly fall in love with you.

I did.

But

I was scared because

I didn't know how to be a mother.

It didn't come naturally to me.

Yeah. My teacher always

thought it was weird

you'd pack a wedge salad

and a tonic water for my lunch.

Being your manager,

that, I could do.

I had something to offer.

Why are you telling me this?

Jayden

Nike doesn't exist.

What?

Then who made the shorts

I've been wearing this whole time?

No, no, I mean

I made up the campaign.

Why?

I was just so happy to see you

earlier in the restaurant.

And when you started walking out,

I made it up so I wouldn't lose you again.

So the trolling and the blackmail?

It was all about seeing you.

I miss you, Jayden.

I miss you so much.

I miss you too, Mom.

And I was kind of excited

to spend time with you again.

I guess that's why

I said yes to this thing,

but it can't be like this

judging and nit-picking

and calling me Kevin Kline.

It's not what a mother does with a son.

So

What if we

And hear me out.

had a relationship

without you being my manager?

Oh. Like I'm your accountant?

No.

No, you're just like

my mom.

What do you say?

Yes. I like the sound of that.

I love you, Jayden.

I love you too, Mom.

I'm never eating dairy again.

In fact, I don't think I'm ever

eating anything ever again.

I should be good in a few hours.

You know what's weird?

I think I'm starting to see

- some of Doris the cow's memories.

- [laughs]

- Ow! Don't make me laugh.

- Sorry.

Hey, guys. Hungry?

Oh, starved.

You really work up a sweat

banging on a yurt.

[both groaning]

Oh, our wilted flower. How are you?

I'm being really brave.

It's gonna be a long journey,

but my mom and I will take things slow.

Like, the Catholic Church and progress.

You must be hungry after all that

emotional and physical strutting.

I am.

You're in luck.

- Mom's casserole for the whole family.

- Okay. Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Is this what a well-adjusted

childhood tastes like?

It can only be described through

Oh, interpretative dance.

It's happening again.

[theme music playing]