01x04 - Check this, Mama! It's a Laura Dern party!

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music plays]

Guys, I can't find my phone!

Oh, not again.

All right, Claire lost her phone.

I'll check the fridge.

Claire, cabinets. Jayden, bathroom.

Grant, cushions, in between, underneath

and most importantly, right on top.

Let's go, people, the first 48 seconds

are the most important!

Hey, Solana, I found your tarot cards.

My tarot cards! Oh, thank Vishnu.

- Bathroom's clear.

- Guys, found a phone.

Wait, that's my old phone.

Oh, it still has 4%.

- Aww. Look at all of our old pictures.

- [Solana] Look at us at the beach!

And look, that cooler with the cup holders

on it. Where is that thing?

I thought you had it.

Okay, people, we've got a missing cooler,

wheels on the back, so this thing moves.

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

[sighs]

Yep. Claire, your phone's in your purse!

[theme music playing]

[upbeat music plays]

The way the tarot cards work is

I will lay down a card,

and that card reveals

what the universe has in store.

- You're gonna tell us our future?

- In a sense.

[chuckles] In a nonsense.

Don't listen to her. The cards have power.

I'll pick one for myself so you can see.

Oh. The Temperance card.

That means there's patience,

peace, and calm in my future.

- I want a reading.

- Oh. Me too.

- Do us together.

- Together.

Claire and Jayden, ah,

you got the Two of Cups.

Unified love and partnership.

- Jaydie, we're Two of Cups.

- Yeah.

Two gorgeous cups, sitting in a cabinet

waiting to be filled up

with limoncello spritz.

- I have to pee.

- I'm coming with you.

Duh.

Did Claire follow Jayden

into the bathroom?

Two of Cups.

If you just accept the cards as truth,

you'll stop being confused.

- I'm not confused.

- You seem confused.

- There's nothing confusing happening.

- For you there is.

Tarot cards are unproven and fake

and get people worked up over nothing!

Sorry.

[scoffs] It's a shame you think it's fake

because you got the Lovers card.

There's a soulmate in your future.

Congratulations. Any guy would be lucky

to be with you, Chels.

Oh, thanks, Grant.

But judging by my current situation,

the only love in my future

is between me and my weighted blanket.

[chuckles]

I call him Lennie because he does

not know his own strength.

Okay.

- Do me next.

- Okay.

- The Tower card.

- Oh, hell yeah!

I wonder which tower I'm gonna go to.

There are so many.

There's the Eiffel Tower,

the Leaning Tower,

and the power tower

where I do my pull-ups.

No, Grant, the Tower card represents

disaster, upheaval, and danger.

Danger?

Me?

On a leg day?

[upbeat music plays]

Okay, for the Laura Dern Drag Night,

I was thinking about going

as Jurassic Park Laura Dern,

but it's just so frumpy.

What do you think

about Wild at Heart Laura Dern?

Oh, the polka dot dress, the '90s hair

whipping around in a convertible.

That and still Laura is the girl

that you could call at 2 a.m.

just to talk.

- Oh, hey, babe, how was work?

- Crazy.

I spilled 11 soups.

I wasn't counting, but Howard was.

- Hi, girl!

- Hi!

The last time I saw you,

you were about to keep a stray squirrel.

- Did that end up happening?

- No. He wouldn't get in my car.

But that's okay

because I see him everywhere.

What's up with you guys?

We're talking about this party.

Yeah, it's Laura Dern themed,

so we're all going

dressed up as Laura Dern from her roles,

and get this.

- It's called Derning Down the House.

- Oh, so, fun!

Wait, why Laura Dern?

Oh, she's one of the top five q*eer icons.

Yeah, it goes, Laura Dern,

Janet Jackson, Judge Judy, Liza,

'cause if not, the g*y elders would panic,

and E.T. in a wig.

Oh. But why is she an icon?

She played Ellen DeGeneres' girlfriend,

and then, got blacklisted for years.

And she was in Big Little Lies,

which is our NBA All-Star game.

- [clicks tongue]

- Oh [chuckles]

Oh, my God. You should come with us.

She should come, shouldn't she?

Yes! I mean, totally.

Maybe. Yeah, I just I don't even think

it's gonna be that fun.

I'd hate for you to be bored.

I could never be bored with you, Jaydie.

Unless you don't want me to come.

- Of course I want you to come!

- Yay.

Oh, so fun.

Ooh.

Why would you invite her?

Why wouldn't I?

I thought you were best friends.

Oh, yes, she is my absolute bestie,

and we're together all the time,

and it's great, but

I don't know.

I also need our nights out

with our g*y gaggle gabbing in g*y garb.

You live in a house that's basically

q*eer Xanadu, but I don't.

You saw how I had to explain

the Laura Dern thing.

I just don't want to be

Claire's tour guide in g*y Narnia.

JK, just Narnia. The whole thing

takes place inside of a closet.

I get it!

You need boundaries. It makes sense.

Just tell her,

and I'm sure she'll understand.

Oh, no, I can't.

It would hurt her too much. It's fine.

Claire has a super short attention span.

She probably forgot about it already.

Check it out!

I'm going as Wild At Heart Laura Dern!

[squeals]

Oh, great!

[upbeat music plays]

Hey, how's it going over here?

- You okay? You look a little freaked out.

- I am. It's the Tower card.

I stubbed my toe on the bench press

and got a paper cut on my tongue.

Were you licking an envelope?

That's the thing. No.

- [weights clang]

- [yells]

- Did you hear that?

- Yes. It's the sound of the gym.

It's clanging weights

and a playlist called Ibiza 2018.

I'm in danger, Chelsea. Serious danger.

You're fine. All that tarot card

stuff is complete hogwash.

Sorry, I'm reading Dickens.

I don't know. It could be real.

The universe works in mysterious ways.

Hey, guys. Peaceful day, isn't it?

No.

You freaked Grant out

with your tarot card stuff.

Now he jumps every time Buff Billy does

a deadlift, which is all day.

[weights clang]

God, that guy's a*s is big.

Will you please tell Grant

he's not in danger?

I can't do that.

The tarot cards have spoken, and they've

proven to be right time and time again.

For example, look at me

after receiving the Temperance card.

Yeah. Nothing says temperance

like a fluorescent orange sports bra.

That card has brought me

patience and calm.

Even though you question my beliefs,

I remain completely at ease.

Wow. You're right.

Solana used to get this eye twitch

whenever you disagreed with her, and now

nothing!

Solana, it's not that the cards are real.

It's that you want them to be.

And yet I find myself taking

a full day of yoga classes.

How do you explain that?

You don't find yourself

taking a yoga class,

just like you don't find yourself putting

that top on five straps at a time.

You're obsessed with my top today.

It all makes so much sense.

Grant, no, it doesn't. I promise,

you're not in danger of being hurt.

- Chelsea does have a point.

- Finally. Thank you, Solana.

Danger is all around you.

- What?

- Oh, my God!

The card can take on many shapes.

Maybe danger is coming your way.

Maybe you have to prepare for danger

coming to someone close to you.

Anyway, off to my yoga. Namaste.

Did you hear that?

Everyone around me is in danger.

Stop deadlifting, Buff Billy!

Your a*s isn't safe here!

[weights clang]

[upbeat music plays]

Do you like it, do you like it? ♪

These drinks are wild!

Iced Teabag, Mai Tai Me Up,

A c*ck-in-Tail!

I love how g*y bars just go there.

Why don't we have names like this

at Franklin's?

I don't think a straight bar would

appreciate the g*y sex puns, Claire.

[gasps]

These are g*y sex puns?

Oh. Okay, I'm gonna get a white wine. Mm.

I wonder what that's about.

- She's so fun!

- Love.

- Yeah.

- Jay, what's wrong?

Oh, I don't know. It's just Claire is

just, like, super here.

And I gotta explain stuff.

I told you to talk to her.

I know. It's not Claire's fault.

I'm just gonna, as the straights

would say, [in deep voice] roll with it.

Jayden, look at that guy.

How is he so hairless?

Part genetics, part lasers, sweetie.

Just keep walking.

Dillon, Jayden, whoa, whoa, whoa,

you guys are friends!

Why are you fighting?

Oh, Claire, we're not fighting.

We were just getting excited about

how fierce Lady Gaga will be in her 80s.

[dance music playing]

Jayden, what's going on?

Should we go? The cops are here.

And they've already arrested someone!

It's fine, Claire, he's a sub.

I don't care if he's a part-time teacher.

[upbeat music plays]

Sorry, Gladys, it's too dangerous

to work your lats. today.

I'd walk you to your car,

but I have others to protect.

Grant, your concern for your clients

is very sweet,

but that's the third session

you've canceled.

Danger surrounds me.

I can't take any chances.

What if something happened to you?

I couldn't live with myself.

Oh. Hmm. Yeah.

Hi. Do you guys have an icepack

I could use for my knee?

- Yeah.

- Oh, no, your knee is hurting?

It's all my fault.

What? No. This is an injury

I've had since I was a kid.

- There you go.

- Thanks.

But you did cancel our session,

which I booked to rehab my knee.

So I'm responsible for hurting your knee!

See? It's happening.

Grant, stop, okay?

What if I proved

that this tarot card stuff isn't real?

Then will you calm down?

I guess.

Okay, all right,

so I got the Lovers card, right?

Which means I will miraculously find love

today, which of course, I won't.

So here, watch this. Um

Hey! Hey, you in the blue shorts.

Hi. Do you want to go out with me?

Yeah.

- The Lovers card! It worked!

- Oh, okay, hang on, hang on.

Um

Are you sure?

Because, you know, you don't even know me.

I happen to have a vicious rash on my

I have a genital rash too.

What are the odds?

- It's a perfect match!

- No, I don't actually have a genital rash.

That proves it. I'm canceling all classes.

I'm happy for you two,

but this place is a death box.

So? What are we thinking?

I rub ointment on you.

You rub ointment on me

- and

- [chuckles]

No.

[dance music playing]

- Jayden!

- [gasps]

I've been looking everywhere for you.

Look what I got us.

These are Red Headed Bottoms.

Which refers to

Butts, Claire.

Just assume it's always butts.

Are you okay? You seem off.

It's just

I

Oh, no, it's just these shorts have

sapped me, emotionally.

Well, I have something that will cheer

you up. I signed you up for the contest.

The Greatest Moments

of Dern-story contest?

- Yeah.

- I forgot to sign up. Thanks, Claire.

- Oh, no probs, Jaydie.

- [host] All contestants,

come up to the stage

for The Greatest Moments in Dern-story!

That's our cue.

- Our?

- Yeah.

I signed us up together, as a team.

The Two of Cups. [squeals]

Where's Grant?

Oh, no. Are you injured?

Where does it hurt?

- Why did you cancel all the yoga classes?

- Because of the Tower card.

Yoga is too dangerous.

What if somebody falls asleep

during savasana

and sleepwalks into the big fan and dies?

- That's not gonna

- Someone else wakes up.

They see guts everywhere.

They have a weak heart,

so they go into cardiac arrest!

Grant, I needed that yoga class

to stay calm.

Without it, I'll get angry,

which will make me even less calm,

which will make me even angrier,

which will make me very angry.

Solana, you are clearly all riled up.

Why don't you just admit it?

The cards aren't real.

- Those cards are real.

- Hmm.

That twitch in your eye's

telling a different story.

- You

- What?

You!

Hmm?

[grumbles, then yells]

- [huffs]

- Hmm. Namaste!

You see?

[upbeat music plays]

I will not not be rich! [grunts]

[all cheering]

[host] Up next for the moment-off,

Claire and Jayden doing a scene

from Jurassic Park!

Remember, you're

a sick dinosaur on the brink of death.

So just lay there. Yeah?

- [cheering]

- Yes!

Is this West Indian Lilac?

There's only one way to be positive.

I'd have to see the dinosaur's droppings.

Roar! That's my poop!

[crowd laughing]

What are you doing?

You don't have any lines.

Roar! I'm protecting my poop.

I'm hungry! Bring me a goat!

[crowd laughing]

[roaring]

[laughter stops]

Oh. Wait.

Jayden!

Oh, wait!

Jayden!

Was that last part from Blue Velvet?

[upbeat music plays]

I can't believe how scared I got

over those silly tarot cards.

I'm sure your clients will forgive

you, except for Gladys.

But she lives on holding grudges

and Lipitor.

I guess your Lovers card

wasn't real either. I'm sorry.

Yes, alas, love is, as they say,

not in the cards.

[wheezes]

Chelsea!

Are you choking?

Chelsea, Chelsea!

[grunting]

[coughing]

Are you okay?

What just happened? [coughs]

I couldn't breathe.

Grant, you saved my life.

- I'm so glad I was here. You could have

- I know.

Wow.

The tarot cards.

They're real.

[Claire] Jayden, can we talk?

Jayden, will you please let me in?

- Fine.

- Jayden, I'm so sorry about the dinosaur.

I know I wasn't supposed to say anything.

And then I ruined the whole night,

and it's all my fault!

- And I'm so, so

- Claire, stop, please.

It's not about you.

Well, it feels like it is.

Feels like you don't want me here at all.

What's going on?

Okay.

- You know when you go to the bank?

- No. I do all my banking on my phone.

Just pretend you go to the bank.

Okay. Okay.

- [gasps] I think I see a robber.

- Oh, no, no.

He's not a robber. He's just

a straight guy in a stupid beanie.

And everyone else in the bank

is straight too,

except me, and maybe the twink

behind the counter.

But forget about him. He's gotten so high

and mighty since he bleached his hair.

The point is, the bank is,

by default, a straight space.

And the world is full of straight spaces.

Doctors' offices, gas stations.

H and R Blocks. [groans]

Explaining why I spend so much on iced

coffee to my accountant is so annoying.

- But Lou is so good.

- He's the best.

But still, it's a lot.

Being g*y in a straight world

can be exhausting.

So having spots like this,

it's so important to me.

A place where I don't feel like

a stranger in a straight land.

Does that make sense?

Yes. Totally.

Jaydie, I'm so sorry.

You shouldn't have to explain

these things to me,

but I'm really glad you did.

- I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

- Oh, that's okay.

I know when I get upset,

I can be kind of a

- hurt puppy dog.

- Hurt puppy dog.

I would rather be a hurt puppy dog

than lose your friendship.

The fact that you love me

for who I am means so much to me.

And I'm not saying you're never allowed

to go to g*y bars

or come to the Pride Parade

so you can take pictures of me

looking incredible on a float.

I mean, your cheekbones

highlight themselves.

It's g*y icon, E.T in a wig!

Yeah, I got my calendar mixed up.

Wrong theme night.

[upbeat music plays]

Hey.

- What are you up to?

- Just re-energizing my crystals.

Full moon tonight,

so they should charge quickly.

Right.

So, Solana. Um

- About these tarot cards

- Chelsea, I don't wanna argue right now.

I don't have the energy,

and neither do my crystals yet.

No, I was just wondering,

have there been any studies done?

You know, like double-blinds,

to speak to the actual efficacy.

I'm sensing a different tone here.

Did something happen?

Something involving love?

No. No, nothing happened. Um

Maybe a little something happened.

Something a little difficult

to otherwise explain. Um

[clicks tongue]

Honestly, those tarot cards

aren't real, right?

Maybe the question is not

if the cards are real,

but if you want them to be.

Yeah.

I think maybe I do.

[exhales]

- Hey.

- Hey.

Do you have a second?

There's something I wanna tell you.

I actually wanted to talk to you too.

- You did?

- Yeah.

Come on in.

[theme music playing]