01x04 - Beautiful Chimp Face

[bunniefuu]

[Jordan] Okay, um,
what's my favorite film?

[Cooper grunts] Ah, that's… Okay,
Conformist…

-It was a tie. And-And, uh, Last Tango.
-[Jordan] Last Tango wasn't…

-[gasps] Hey, look at that.
-Oh.

[laughs] Mmm.

-[exhales] Wow.
-Okay, favorite author?

-Dr. Seuss.
-[laughs]

Yes, and…

Uh, Simone de Beauvoir.

Correct.

Best kiss? I mean, that we've had.

-First one. And the last one.
-[laughs]

-Are we going down here?
-Yeah.

-sh*t.
-Come on.

-Careful.
-Whoo!

Whoo! You got a coin?
Come on, we gotta make a wish.

Who's got coins?

-Oh, I do.
-Y-You do?

Gelato.

-No, you go first.
-You first.

No, you.

Well, what did you wish for?

-I can't tell you.
-Come on.

-Won't come true.
-No, Coop, come on. Tell me, tell me.

Okay.

I'm really wishing and praying…

that you do not fall in love with me.

Okay. And… And why would that be?

Well, there's so much you're gonna miss
about me when I'm gone.

Like what?

Well, like how I do not snore.

You don't?

And how I pull out the chairs for you
at restaurants and open doors.

-Mmm. That's true.
-And how I kiss you from head to toe.

[moans]

Stopping for a while
somewhere in the middle.

A very long time.

Mmm. I do like that. [laughs]

I know.

[laughs]

We're ready for you.

Your interview subject's name
is Ashley Sanders.

[Cooper] And she is?

[agent] He.

…within blast range.

[door buzzes, clicks]

[Cooper] Hey, Ashley.

-I'm Special Agent Cooper Madsen.
-[door closes]

Hi. Ashley Sanders.

Some outfit they got you in.

Yeah, uh… [sniffles]

[device chimes]

So, uh… [clears throat] …you saw this, uh,

Harper Rose walk into the cafeteria?

-Yes.
-And how was she?

Pale, um, shaky, uh, not herself.

And I stayed away, you know,
I-I-I was, like,

away across the room, you know.

I thought she had f*cking COVID
or some sh*t.

-I didn't wanna catch it, so, um…
-Yeah.

-Did you know the people sitting with her?
-Um, yes.

I mean, kind of, not really, um…

Britney, the one that… [inhales] …she, uh…

-Threw out the window?
-Yeah.

Um, she was, uh, she was cool.

She-She gave me some
lip balms once. [chuckles]

You know, at Vogue,
they get all these, like,

amazing, cool products,

but most of the girls who work there
are, like, total snobs.

They're, like, third-generation wealth
who pulled some strings

to get some entry-level dream job,

and now they all look down
at guys like me, like, you know.

Why?

Because I work at GQ, and I'm, like,
the assistant fitness editor.

It's below them or something.

-I knew the g*y guy too.
-How?

Um, not to be h*m* or anything,
but he was sort of notorious for, like,

hanging around the men's bathrooms

and checking the fitness dudes' c*ck
out at the urinals

and stuff like that, so…

Yeah, he was always, like,
"cruise-y." [sniffles]

And, um, I don't know,
I never had a problem showing off,

so I'd give him a little show,
and I don't know…

It made me feel superior and, like,
pick me up on down days, I guess.

Sorry, I don't know
why I'm telling you this. [sighs]

No, it's all right. It's all right.

Um, so you knew Harper?

-Yeah.
-In what way?

She was, like, sort of…
[breathes shakily] …so beautiful,

like, unattainable, you know,
kind of a snobby b*tch, honestly, like…

Yeah, she was new in town.

She-She-She didn't really know anybody,

and, um, it started with me, like,
taking her to clubs, concerts, everything.

[breathing shakily] Yeah,
I think I actually really…

I actually really loved her.

Um, yeah, I loved her.

And… [sobbing]

-Hey, it's gonna be all right, okay?
-[sobbing continues]

-It's okay. You're gonna be all right.
-[grunts] Thank you.

[sniffles]

[sobbing] Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm-I'm…

Thank you for being kind, man. I'm, like…

They've kinda been treating us
like animals, you know.

[breathes deeply] f*ck, man.

Is this, like… [sniffles]
…the end of the world?

Not if I can help it.

Why the f*ck did she explode?

Is she, like, a suicide b*mber
or a f*cking t*rror1st?

Well, that's what
we're trying to figure out.

You know, they took my blood,
um, without asking me.

Uh, they didn't tell me, like…
[stutters] …what it was for or why.

Um, do you know when
we're gonna get those results?

I do not.

[sniffles, exhales]

Anyway.

Yeah, so it was, like, personal for me.

Um, I loved her, uh, even if
she didn't love me back, you know.

We f*cked a few times, she ghosted me.
It was, like, one of those…

You had sex with her?

Dude… Oral, a**l, everything.

Did you use protection?

I mean, honestly, like, I'm not trying
to, like, kiss-and-tell, like… [chuckles]

But, like, she was a f*cking freak
in the sack, like a lion.

Like, I couldn't keep up,
like, rough sh*t too.

Like, I would pull her hair…
[speaks indistinctly]

Dude, also, the sheer amount.
Like, unquenchable. [speaks indistinctly]

What's happening?

-Whoa, what's happening?
-Hey.

-What did I do? I'm sorry!
-Hey, hey!

-Hey, help me! Please, help me! [grunting]
-Easy! Easy!

Freeze! Stop moving. We will sh**t.

-[g*nsh*t]
-[body thuds]

We have a possible infected.
Repeat, possible infected down here.

[door opens, closes]

[♪ eerie music plays]

[music stops]

[Manny speaking indistinctly]

One second.
I just need to call my boyfriend, please.

-[Cooper breathing deeply]
-[Manny] Please, just one second.

I'll do anything. I swear I won't leave.

But please just give me one second.
Can I… [sobbing]

Look…

[coughs] What are you do…

Ow! f*ck! That hurts! Please… [cries]

Can someone please tell me
what's going on? Okay? Please.

Please. There's a person in here, okay?
God. f*ck.

[machines whirring]

Ow, f*ck.

[person in hazmat] Relax, Manny.

[Manny] I just don't understand
why I have to be strapped in here, okay?

Please, just talk to me
like a person! [cries]

Please, just…

[person in hazmat] Stay still, sir.
This is the last one.

[Manny cries] What is that for?
f*ck. [coughs]

[Cooper] Hi, Manny.

f*ck. Who are you?

-My name is Cooper.
-Are you gonna help me, please?

Can you get me out of here?
I'm trying to get outta here.

I just want to see my mom, okay? f*ck.

f*ck, can somebody help me, please?

Manny, relax, relax. My name is Cooper.

I'm here to ask you some questions, okay?

What? Like a f*cking FBI agent
or something? [breathes heavily]

Yeah.

That… Are you kidding? I was joking.
Are you serious? That was a guess.

Oh, my God. f*ck. Is this a joke?

Okay, okay,
something's going on with me, okay?

I'm really hot. I'm so f*cking hot.

Okay, are you hot?

Look, I-I-I know you're hot.

Clearly, you're hot, that's not what
I mean. You're hot and you're masked,

you're hot,
but like, are you burning up? f*ck.

Manny. Manny,
I just need you to focus, okay?

You have such a kind face. Okay.

Please, are you gonna help me
get out of here? Please!

I'll see what I can do, okay?

Your friend Harper--

Yeah, the one who blew up
in my f*cking face?

Can you think of anyone else
she was spending time with?

Who the f*ck knows?
She's a hot, stuck-up gash.

It's that glow in her eyes
right before she went f*cking nuts.

That's what's burned into my mind.

Okay, what the f*ck was that?
Like, what's going on?

Is she an alien? Is she a robot?

All right. Just try to relax.

I'll relax when somebody tells me
when I can get the f*ck out of here!

We can talk about that when we
get these fever spikes under control.

-[Manny cries]
-You should stand back.

What do you mean? Why stand back?

Why do you have to stand back?
What's wrong with me?

Sir, please don't do that.

[cries] Please! Oh, please,
just talk to me like a person, okay?

This is so f*cking inhumane.

Please, you guys are f*cking
assholes! [breathes shakily]

Please. They said that I was positive,
but I've been on PrEP for years, okay?

That's gotta help, right? Won't that help?

We're waiting on the CDC labs
for guidance.

The CDC. f*ck, that doesn't sound good.
Oh, my God.

[Cooper] This is something unfamiliar.

That's why contact tracing
is so important right now.

Okay. Can you at least…

Please, can you get someone
to bring me my dogs?

Okay? They have really bad anxiety,

and my boyfriend
always forgets their meds.

Pooh Bear has Crohn's disease.
He's gonna sh*t all over my rugs.

Sir, if you don't relax,
we're gonna be forcing medic--

-Guys! Guys.
-[Manny] Please.

Manny, Manny, I'm gonna see
what I can do about your dogs, okay?

What kind of dogs do you have?

A labradoodle and a terrier.

I had a Jack Russell growing up.

A smart dog.

It did sh*t on the carpet
a lot, though. [chuckles]

Yeah. [chuckles, chokes]

Listen, Manny, I know this is difficult,
but you're gonna be okay.

[breathing shakily]

I'm scared, man. I'm scared. [cries]

Manny, I need you to think.

Who else was Harper spending time with?

[breathes heavily]

You know, it's funny,
I used to hate holding people's hands.

I drove every boyfriend I ever had crazy.

Sweaty palms are gross, right?

Anyways, bottoming and, like,
giving head and stuff,

that's more my love language anyways.

But I…

What's gonna happen to me?

They won't let my family in here.

As soon as I get the green light,

I'm gonna make sure they're right
by your side. Okay?

Okay. [breathing shakily]

-[bones cracking]
-[groaning] f*ck! Ow!

Heart rate's gone through the roof.

-Manny. Hey, stay with me, Manny.
-Ow! f*ck! [groaning]

What the f*ck is happening?

Code yellow. Need some help in here.

Sir, please stop doing that.

[rhythmic beeping]

[cracking continues]

Somebody help me, please!

[machines whirring]

Somebody help me!

[yells]

[beeping continues]

[alarm blaring]

[retches]

-f*ck! [grunts]
-[staff gasping]

-[grunts]
-Manny!

[Manny screaming]

-[flesh ripping]
-[blaring continues]

[grunting]

Manny.

[grunts]

[items crashing]

No, no! [yells indistinctly]

-Jesus Christ.
-[screams]

[grunts]

Help! Somebody help me! [panting]

Seal the g*dd*mn exit!

[Manny panting, groaning]

[screams]

[grunting]

-[bones cracking]
-[groans]

[screams]

[panting]

[grunting]

[screaming]

[grunting]

-[bones cracking]
-[grunting]

Please, make it stop. [screams]
Please, make it stop.

[screams]

Chimps, man. Cute and cuddly
until they're not.

I blame that g*dd*mn Curious George.

Everyone thinks they can be
The Man in The Yellow Hat.

-Did you hear the 911 call?
-[steady beeping]

You can hear their friends screaming

-while the monkey goes ape sh*t.
-[chuckles]

I hear he ate her face
after he ripped it off.

[squelching]

-[screams]
-What the…

-[nurse screams]
-[items scattering]

Open it.

-Officer.
-Open the door.

Officer, you need to understand--

FBI, open the f*cking door right now.

[breathing heavily]

Breathtaking, isn't it?

What the f*ck are these?

We're turning a tragedy into hope.

To call them donors is crass.

I call them my epidermis angels.

Beautiful people,
who left the earth far too soon.

And who were so generous as to pass along
their good fortune to others.

Skin grafts, preserved in their entirety,
and waiting to be gifted.

Protect them, please!

Do not let beauty be wasted on the dead!

[squelching]

[both grunting]

[panting] What?

What the f*ck am I?

What the f*ck am I?

You did this to me!

[both grunting]

What have you done? My angels.

Enough propofol to stop a grizzly.

[alarm blaring]

Manny! Stop!

[agent] Stand down.
We have the place surrounded.

Stay where you are.

Turn around, slowly.

-Now!
-[g*n clicks]

Don't sh**t, we need him alive!

[laughs]

[screams]

sh*t.

[both grunting]

[groaning]

W-W-W-Wait! Wait!
[breathes heavily, grunts]

[Cooper grunting]

[grunts]

[growls, panting]

f*ck.

[breathes heavily]

-[grunting]
-[electric buzzing]

[gasping]

[body thuds]

[gasping continues]

[panting]

[grunts]

[car horn honks]

[Antonio] Buongiorno.

Yo, what's up?

Grazie.

-Can you work on him a little bit, please?
-Yes.

[speaks Italian]

I like this tie right here,
that's beautiful, perfetto.

The blue, thank you.

Whoo!

Make it tight.

Tighter.

Tighter.

Sleeker.

Now we're talking.

No. I told you, no saliva exchange, ever.

That's over for you now.
Not that you ever had it.

And no blow jobs for you either.

Pre-c*m is a contagion agent.
Those are the rules for you now.

There you go, you're doing good.

[panting, moaning]

Ooh. [moans]

Oh, big finish. Big finish. [moaning]

[grunting, shrieking]

Okay.

[Jeremy shrieks]

Jesus!

Maria. [exhales]

All right. Good.

Grazie, Maria.
It's always good to see you.

Okay, well, thank you for the tutelage.
It's always a pleasure. [kisses]

-I'll see you soon.
-No, you won't.

His d*ck was too big.
I won't walk straight for a week.

-Good sh*t.
-[chuckles]

-There you go.
-[phone buzzing]

All right. [chuckles]

Okay.

All right, well, pack your bags.

-We're being summoned.
-Where?

CDC. They got a live one.

["Donna Carmen feat.
Luigi Catalano Italian version" plays]

[song ends]

How I look forward
to my monthly poke, Ray.

My skin gets tighter, my a*s gets higher.

I can f*ck five times a day
and still be hard as a rock.

Science is amazing.

I have to say, sir,
you look surprisingly buoyant,

-considering what's happening out there.
-It's a good day, Ray.

It's a very good f*cking day.

Michael Bay chopped
his post-production schedule,

so all the digital
and linear advertising of the shop

will be ready to roll out
by September 9th.

World Beauty Day.

It'll be here before we know it.

World Beauty Day, sir?

World Beauty Day is a holiday
that already exists.

It was created
as an opportunity to meditate

on what beauty means to us.

So f*cking lame, meaningless,
like f*cking Arbor day.

Not anymore. I'm co-opting it, it's mine.

It's our Pharmaceutical Launch D-Day.

Exploding models on cell phone cameras
is not ideal,

but this kind of negative exposure
was always baked in the cake.

Whenever you have cutting edge,
market-expanding stuff like this,

you're going to have product hijackers
and black-market salesmen

ripping you off.

The c*ck is out of the condom, my friend.

It's a little sooner than I'd hoped for.

But between social media and legacy,

it's a g*dd*mn miracle I've been able
to keep a lid on things as long as I have.

Sadly, we anticipated this scenario.

I anticipated this.

After your lab-coat losers
stole my formula,

I spent every waking minute trying to keep
this f*cking leaky-a*s boat afloat.

You have no patience.

Progress is still being made.

Product perfected.

f*cking product.
You've had f*cking years. Okay, dude?

Do I strike you as a progress kind of guy?

Like a half measure, mediocrity,
clappity-clap, A-for-effort type f*ck?

Ignition ketosis has proven to be
a very difficult problem to solve.

Yeah, well, now it's gonna drive sales.

Between Paris and this cafeteria calamity,
I'm embracing the pivot.

We're focusing on these, the boosters.

They solve our side effects.
They buy us time.

They're gonna make me a sh*t ton of money.

[Ray] That's not sustainable.

You can't be so shortsighted.

Clearly, you're not tolerating
the new formula as well as I'd hoped.

Do you think this hypomaniac business…

is a side effect of the doses wearing off?

Better make it a holiday pour,
just to be safe.

Considering we're on day 1,238,
I'd say we're doing quite well.

That's exactly why we're accelerating
the business plan.

No more testing, no more protocols.

September 9th, World Beauty Day.

It's on the f*cking schedule.

Even if we abandon testing phases--

Mm-hmm, double production.

Buy another factory, I don't give a sh*t.

I already told
the quarter-zips in marketing

to buy up all the digital ad inventory,
so it's happening. It's done.

[Ray] But further testing is needed.

Clearly, it's been mutating
out in the wild,

changing its behavior,
creating new versions.

None of that matters.

I'm giving them
an injectable Instagram filter.

This is the attention economy.

Instant gratification at all costs.

We live in a world of perpetual upgrades,

from iPhones to toothpastes
to semaglutides.

If my boosters keep them alive
and forever young,

they'll be begging for it.

Like a diabetic cries out for insulin.

That's, like, what, six shots a day?

There he is.

Hey.

You know what, Ray?

Just to spite you, water down the doses
and we'll double production.

Instead of once a month,
we'll give it to them once a week.

Price stays the same. Good talk, Ray.

[line ringing]

-Hello, you've reached me, Jordan…
-[phone clicks]

-[keys jingling]
-[sighs]

[lock clicks]

-Oh, Cooper.
-Hi, Mrs. Allen.

So happy to see you,
you've been traveling for so long.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh…

I'm just here to pick up Nine Lives.

My cat?

I'm so sorry.

Nine Lives died two months ago.

I'm so sorry.

Oh.

[door closes]

Jordan?

-[banging]
-[panting]

[banging continues]

Can I help you?

Cooper.

I'm sorry, do I know you?

Cooper, it's me.

It's Jordan.