American Boy (2026)

[bunniefuu]

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome my son Marcello Hernndez!

Miami!

Vamos.

Feels like a family party

in this place right now.

That's how our family parties were,

though. You have to dance.

You have to dance, or you have to find

a new family. That's the rule.

I had to dance.

Ever since I was a kid, I had to dance.

That's how I had to enter my house.

If people came to my house,

my mom would be like, "Marcello!"

And I'm six years old,

and I have to leave my room like this.

And I'm like,

"Mommy, I don't want to dance."

And my mom is like, "Yeah,

and I didn't want to escape Cuba,

so dance."

"Okay, I'm sorry.

I don't know what that's like. I'm sorry."

And I, I would think

that I'm doing a good job.

Then, out of nowhere, my mom would be,

"No, Marcello, not like that."

"Do what I taught you."

And I'm like, "Mommy, please."

"Don't make me get nasty

in front of my family."

And I had to memorize every single dance.

I was always jealous of the American kids

because American kids

don't have to memorize any dance.

American kids on Christmas,

New Years, Thanksgiving,

they get to rest.

They don't have to memorize

anything at all.

American kids live a very free life.

American kids go,

"Oh my God, I love that song."

And then they jump.

And their mom is like

"Look, Tyler's dancing."

I'm like,

"Tyler's not doing anything, dude."

I had to shake my a*s specifically.

That's how I grew up. You show up

at your family party and dance.

And then your mom says

the most beautiful words you can hear.

What's the most beautiful part

about being at a family party?

It's hanging out with your cousins, right?

Isn't that the most beautiful part?

Oh my God.

Something about being with your cousins,

it just, it makes you just

You lose your mind.

You you end up in a part of your house

that you have never been to before.

You and your cousins end up

in the AC unit of your house.

And you're in there.

And it's weird in there.

One of your cousins is like,

"I have hair, bro. I swear to God."

"I have hair. I don't know

where it came from. I have hair."

Your other cousin, he's weird.

And he's like, "Bro,

eat the c*ck, bro, please."

I'm like, "What?" He's like, "Eat it now.

Nothing's gonna happen to you."

"I've done it before.

Just eat the c*ck. Just hurry up."

The parents are getting drunk,

and the kids are kind of lit too

because we have been drinking

Coca-Cola unsupervised.

We're drinking it

out of the bottle tonight, okay?

And your cousin's mouth is brown.

And he's lit up.

And you guys are in there going crazy.

Then, out of nowhere, one of your uncles

comes into the AC unit and goes,

"Hey, Marcello, just a bit of whiskey.

Nothing's gonna happen to you."

"Come on. A bit of whiskey.

Nothing's gonna happen to you."

"Eat the c*ck, drink the whiskey.

A little bit of whiskey."

And then, somehow,

it's 2:00 in the morning for some reason.

It's 2:00 a.m.

And at 2:00 a.m.,

that's when the parents realize,

"Damn, I have not seen my kid

in nine hours."

And they want the kid back to the dan

"Back to the dance floor!"

Now it's 2:00 in the morning.

And I'm still six years old,

but now I want to dance, you understand?

Because I've been drinking whiskey,

dawg, okay?

I want to dance.

What are American kids doing

at 2:00 in the morning?

By the way, it's Christmas, okay?

Where is Santa Claus? Nobody cares, dawg.

Santa Claus is gonna come

when the party is over.

2:00 in the morning

What are what are American kids doing

at 2:00 in the morning on Christmas?

Watching Elf, you nerds?

I am grinding with my aunt,

you understand?

And she is throwing it back violently,

dawg. Violent.

And I'm like, "Mommy, why?"

And she's like, "Because your aunt

is going through a divorce right now."

And that is not being inappropriate.

That is supporting your family.

That's what I did.

I did whatever my mom told me.

She tells me to grind on my aunt, I grind.

My mom has been through so much

that whatever she tells me,

that's what I'm gonna do.

For example, I have severe ADD.

Uh, everybody told me I have ADD.

And I told my mom I have ADD.

And she said no, so I don't have ADD.

I don't have it. And I feel bad.

I feel bad that I don't have it

because I wanted it. And everybody

And it's easy to get, by the way.

If you want ADD, you can have it.

You go to a doctor, and you go, "Ah."

Then they give it to you.

It takes two seconds.

Everybody knew that I had ADD.

I had teachers in Miami

that didn't believe in ADD,

and they were like,

"Marcello made me a believer."

I have it like that. I have it for real.

Everybody knew I had it.

And the problem is

I had to tell my mom that I have ADD.

And when I told my mom that I have ADD,

she threatened to give it to me.

I said, "Mommy, I have ADD."

And she goes, "Ah, you want ADD?

I can give you ADD right now!"

And in that moment,

I decided to focus.

And it's sad because I wanted the pills.

I really wanted the pills,

'cause I know that the pills do something.

I know that they do something.

Because I had a friend in high school,

and his mom let him have ADD.

And he would come up to me on Tuesdays,

and he'd be like

"Hey, Marcello,

I didn't take the pill today."

"It's No Pill Tuesday. Ah!"

And I was like, "Wow,

is that how I'm living my life?"

"Every day is No Pill Tuesday for me?"

It was horrible.

And that's what my life was.

When I was younger, my ADD was

a big problem in school, you know?

And now that I'm older, my problem

with ADD is in relationships, you know?

Uh, with women.

Because I have severe ADD,

and I never got the pills.

And women

They they love it

when you listen to them, bro.

It's their favorite thing.

And it's my biggest weakness.

Women are nice.

Women do not need you

to be seven feet and have abs.

All women want is for you to listen to her

and be there for her

and memorize the names of her friends.

That's all they want.

You have to know the names of the friends.

You have to be

ahead of her sometimes, you know?

And women that's a beautiful thing

because that means that women

are not superficial, you know?

It means they're looking

for someone that's a partner.

They're not exactly looking

for a physical thing.

Men are more superficial.

I have friends that are very superficial.

I have friends that I show them

a picture of a girl I like,

and they'll be like, "No, bro."

"Nah, you have to

break up with her, dawg."

And I'm like, "Why?"

And they're like, "Because, dawg,

her forehead is crazy."

I'm like, "What are you talking about?"

She's nice, smart. She's a good person."

And my boys are like, "No, we could tell

she was smart, dawg. That's not the"

"That's not the problem, dawg."

This guy is going on and on

about her forehead.

I'm like, "Dude, you're bald."

"Like, how how could you say that

when your forehead doesn't end?"

But that's how men are.

Men are men are like that.

Women are not like that.

Women can bring anything to their friends.

A woman can bring a frog,

a real frog, to her friends

and be like, "Guys, this is my boyfriend."

"And I love him. And he loves me.

And we hang out by the swamp."

"And we get along great,

and We love each other."

And her friends

her friends will be like, "Okay."

"In that case,

ribbit."

They don't care. The women are down.

And I think that's beautiful, you know,

because it is rare

It is more rare to see, like, a man,

like a good-looking man,

with a woman that is not

at his level of attractiveness, you know?

But quite often,

you will see a beautiful woman.

And she's nice. And she's hardworking.

And she loves her family.

And she's perfect.

And then you see her husband.

And you're like, "Hey, congratulations."

And he's like

"Ribbit."

Every time I see this couple,

I go, "Oh my God."

"That guy probably listens

like crazy, dawg."

That guy probably says stuff like,

"Wait, wait, wait, wait. Start again."

My boy's like, "No, bro,

I bet you that guy's rich."

I'm like, "No, dawg."

"That guy probably has

follow-up questions."

That's the problem, you know?

I don't I don't listen good,

so I'm scared.

And on top of that,

women are scary to me in general.

In general. Because I grew up

with women in my house.

I grew up with only women in my house.

It was me, my mom, and my sister.

In high school, my mom's best friend

and her daughter moved in.

I have seen too much.

When I was little, I would go to school,

a little boy would be like,

"Hey, you know that girls don't poop?"

And I'd be like

"I know very well how they poop."

"And I think it's worse than ours."

No, man. I saw it all. Women are

Women are very scary. They are.

And they live a violent life

behind the scenes.

I have seen what you hide, okay?

Every woman has a mustache.

Did you know that?

They all have a mustache.

And they get it taken care of

in the most violent way possible.

Everything they do is violent.

They go to a salon,

and they go, "I I have a mustache."

The lady goes, "Ah, how would you like me

to take care of that?"

And the woman goes,

"Oh, I would like it if you could maybe

rip it off my face!"

And they pay a little woman

with big forearms

to go up to her face and go

Everything that they do is violent.

And I'm scared of women for that reason.

I'm scared everything they do is violent.

Everything. They go they do their hair.

The hair is violent.

Theythey get their eyebrows yanked out

one at a time.

Ripped out. And they like it.

They go, "Thank you!" Like that.

Everything they do is violent.

Their their hair.

They go to a salon,

and they light their hair on fire.

And and they put chemicals in their hair.

And and all types of stuff.

They put their hair in aluminum foil

like their hair is food now.

And and then they go,

"Now put your head in the microwave."

And then the woman sits in the microwave

and lets her head get cooked

in the microwave.

It's hot under there.

They go, "Is it too hot for you, Melissa?"

And she goes, "No, I like it!"

Imagine, they get their head cooked.

They're getting their head cooked.

Imagine the radiation

that gets into their head.

You have no idea.

And that's why women are

a little bit different, you know?

They're a little bit different.

When a man wants to know if you love him,

he goes, "Baby, do you love me?"

And that makes sense.

When a woman wants to know

if you love her, she goes,

"If I was a donkey and you

and you were a lizard,

do you think we could still be together?"

And the man is like, "What?"

And she's like

"If I was a donkey and you were a lizard,

did I stutter when I asked the question?"

Like, "Your hair looks fantastic, babe.

I'm so sorry."

Everything they do is violent.

The Brazilian wax.

Let me tell you,

there's nothing Brazilian about that.

They put the word "Brazilian" there

so you think it's a tropical experience.

But it is not a tropical experience.

I have been there.

I've been to every appointment.

I had a single mom, and I didn't behave.

I know what I'm talking about.

I've been in there with my soccer cleats.

You go to the Brazilian wax place,

and they grab your mom

and throw her on a surgical table.

And then a little goblin

comes through some curtains.

"Hello!"

And she I haven't seen what they do,

but it looks like

they do honey and duct tape

on your mom.

Then they look at your mom and go,

"I'm gonna count to three, okay?"

"One"

"Two!"

And then they hold it up

like the head of a soldier she k*lled.

And then she looks at your mom,

and she goes, "It has been a long time."

I'm sure it hurts when they rip that off.

I'm sure it hurts.

But my mom never screamed and never cried.

Women are too abnormal to scream or cry.

They rip it off, and she talks.

When it hurts, they talk.

They go

And your mom goes,

"My son is in third grade. Did you know?"

Of course, I'm scared.

And I have seen it all.

I have seen it all.

I I have seen a woman

getting ready to leave the house.

A woman getting ready to leave the house

is one of the most violent scenes

I have ever seen in my entire life.

They are able to turn their bathroom

into Dexter's laboratory.

There are potions and serums and creams

and electricity and water.

What a horrible combination.

And everything is all at once.

Everything's on fire in there.

There's a cream that if you touch it

and touch your face,

all the hair falls off your body.

It is violent in there.

And her makeup,

she's not doing her makeup like

No. She has a pencil,

and she's putting it in her eye.

And her eye starts to cry.

And she's a savage.

She goes

And goes deeper with the pencil.

The eye is rejecting the pencil.

If the eye could talk, the eye would say,

"Please, Mama. No more pencil."

"Please, no more with the pencil. Please."

She doesn't care.

She goes deeper with the pencil.

If she makes a mistake, she goes

"I have to start again!" Like that.

Tell me that's not scary.

The clothes that women wear

to leave the house is insane.

Men are shirt, pants, shoes, maybe hat.

Shirt, pants, shoes, maybe hat.

Women, there's stuff that you have no idea

that they have to wear.

And the way

that they have to contort their body

You don't even know.

I was the wardrobe guy at my house.

My mom would be like, "Marcello!"

And I walk in, and she is

She's contort She's a contortion.

I'm like, "What's going on?"

She goes, "I'm gonna put my elbow

in my a*s, okay?"

"What?" She goes,

"I'm gonna put my elbow in my a"

"When my elbow reaches my a*s,

I need you to zip. You understand?"

I'm like, "That sounds dangerous, Mommy.

I don't know if that sounds safe."

"It's not safe. It's what you have to do."

"Okay, elbow to the a*s. Yes."

I go, "Okay. It's not zipping."

"I said wait

until my elbow reaches my a*s!"

I had to be in there

for all that stuff, man.

It's spooky. Women are not

the delicate creature you think they are.

They're living a violent life

behind the scenes.

And then they go out,

and they go, "Hi, how are you?"

Hell no, dawg. All of it is violent.

You go to a

You go to a club, and you see a woman.

And she's beautiful. You're like, "Wow,

I like your outfit. That's a nice shirt."

"That's not a shirt, papa."

That thing clips, okay?

You had no idea that thing clips, huh?

You thought that she put

her shirt on like this. No.

She put it on like this, dawg.

She had to make it clip, dawg.

That's a lot of work that she has to do.

And that's tight, dawg.

By the end of the night,

that thing is in her neck.

So be gentle with her. It's scary.

All of it is scary, dawg. And the blood.

I saw the blood firsthand.

People don't think about the blood.

Women don't talk about it.

The blood is very real.

I was a happy little boy.

And and I had a happy little sister.

And and one day,

out of nowhere, for no reason,

blood.

And she's like, "Mommy, blood?"

And my mom is like "Welcome to the club."

And she's like, "Blood only for today?"

And my mom is like, "Blood forever."

And now my happy little sister

is counting the days of the blood

like it's jail.

She starts to say scary stuff to me.

"The blood is coming."

"There's three days until the blood."

I'm like, "What?"

She's like, "The blood wants ice cream."

I'm like, "The blood can talk?"

She's like, "I speak for the blood!"

"The blood speaks through me."

Like, oh my God.

And the blood has Bluetooth.

Did you know that?

Because if three of you get together,

you pair device.

It is scary, dawg.

And then, imagine, then we have to

take them out on a date, you know?

Imagine that.

Imagine, like,

you ask a girl out on a date,

and she hasn't been on a date in a while.

Think about it. Now she has to go

through a week of t*rture.

She has to pay all these different people

to do horrible things to her body.

Rip it! Rip it out!

And it costs money.

They pay, they pay, they pay.

Put their head in the microwave.

Money, money, money, money.

Everything, they pay.

And then they get to the date,

and they're like, "So, what do you do?"

And the guy's like,

"I'm still figuring that out."

She's like, "Then I'm gonna k*ll myself."

"It's not worth it."

And and that's why men

have to pay on the date,

because by the time she gets to the date,

she's in debt.

There's no money left.

And you don't know where the blood is,

so just pay and say, "I'm sorry,"

is what you say.

"I'm sorry for what you go through."

And if you wanna take a girl out on a date

but you don't want to pay,

if you don't want to pay,

tell her before the date

that you don't want to pay

so you can both show up with a mustache.

And then you can split it like men.

That's how I grew up. I grew up in Miami

in salons and Brazilian waxes and

And then I went to college in Ohio.

Yes, yes. Uh, I guess you could say

that I studied abroad.

And, uh, I was shocked when I got to Ohio

because I thought that I was white.

And then I got to Ohio,

and they were like

"Whoa, whoa, whoa there, chico-rito."

It was a tough time.

I am gonna talk about white people

a little bit tonight.

And I wanna say something

before I get into it.

I wanna say that I know

that right now it's a tough time

to be white.

And I wanna say don't be sad.

You guys had a fantastic run.

It's okay.

You know? And, um

And I know that today,

a lot of people say,

"White people this"

and "White people that."

It's always something negative.

And I'm I'm sure that

that can affect your mental health.

But

I, I, I want you to know when people say,

"White people this, white people that,"

we're not talking about all of you.

No. There's a group.

And I'm sure some of you are here, like

"Marcello, am I in the group?"

"I wanna know if I'm in the group."

"I don't wanna be in the group."

"I have a bunch of Latino friends.

I'm not in the group, right?"

"I mean, really, am I in the group?

Just tell me 'cause I wanna know."

I'm gonna help you find out

if you're in the group, okay?

If you are white,

and when you were little,

your mom hit you,

you're Hispanic.

We accept you. We appreciate you.

AndSweet Caroline

Bam, bam, bam

You see? We're cool, guys.

We're cool.

Now, if you are white

and you find

that a lot of times in your life

someone will say something, and you go

then you are who we are talking about.

So let's try to enjoy this together, huh?

How about that?

I'll tell you this. When I went to Ohio,

my biggest surprise

were the parties, you know?

The way that white guys party

did shock me a bit

because in Miami, when we party,

it's all about the girls.

"How many girls are gonna be there?

There can be no guys."

"There can only be girls."

"The party tonight is gonna be 700 girls

and us four."

That's how we like to party.

And in Ohio,

it's not about the girls at all.

It's about the beers.

"How many beers are gonna be there?"

"If I sell my car,

how many beers do you think?"

And I'm like

"I want to go home."

You know? I didn't feel right.

'Cause in Miami, you dance.

And you have to dance.

In Miami, the music is making you dance.

You don't have a choice in the matter.

In Miami, it doesn't matter

what status you are socially.

The quarterback of the football team

and the guy that likes chess

are both getting disgusting

on the dance floor.

No matter what.

No matter where you are, you have to.

And it's not because you want to.

It's 'cause the music makes you dance.

We cannot stop. The music is too crazy

for you not to dance.

You're sitting there, standing still,

and then you hear

Look at you!

You can't stop. You're like

You have to. You just have to.

That's what it is.

The music's playing, the guys are dancing,

and the women are everywhere.

They don't wanna dance, by the way.

Latina women do not wanna dance.

They are strong feminist women.

They're not interested in dancing

with any man.

"I don't need any man to talk to me

tonight. I'm not interested."

"I don't need you to tell me."

"I don't need a man to come up to me,

'You look pretty.'"

"I know I look pretty, papi.

I don't need you to tell me."

"I don't need you to tell me

what I do, who I am,

what I need to look like, or anything."

Ah, I

"'Oh. Oh, you look beautiful.'

I don't care what you say, papi."

"I work very hard to look beautiful.

I put a pencil in my eye and made a clip."

"So don't even talk to me."

"I went through a lot to be here already."

So no, man. They're dancing.

And and they and they don't wanna dance.

They're very strong feminist women.

They're not interested.

And it's funny because they have

this strong feminist energy,

but the music

the lyrics of the music in Miami

are not feminist at all, are they?

They are not feminist at all.

This strong feminist Latina woman

is at this party.

And then the guy in the song is like

And out of nowhere, he goes,

"I grab you. I take you to my house."

"You don't have a choice."

And the women are like

"I don't have a choice!"

She does all that.

And then the next day,

she goes back to her nonprofit.

That's 2:00 in the morning in Miami.

2:00 in the morning in Cleveland, Ohio,

it's a totally different story.

All you hear is

Jealousy, turning all my

Turning all my

The girls are nowhere to be found.

These guys are destroying the house.

I have never felt like

more of an immigrant in my entire life.

And it's a sad They're singing sad songs.

It's the price I pay

Like, why are you paying a price?

It doesn't make any sense.

And we don't do that. Latinos,

we don't have sad songs like that.

The saddest song we have

has a happy beat, you know?

The beat is always happy.

My wife, she left me

She took the kids

I'm homeless, I don't have money

The beat is so happy,

you don't even know what's happening.

This guy's like, "I'm gonna die

in three months." And you're like

Not even thinking about it.

But that's how it is. We don't do sad.

We don't do depression, you know?

It's hard for us to do depression.

The Latinos, we don't really

have it like that, you know?

Me and my sister,

we tried to get depression.

When we were little, we tried to get it.

We were like, "Mommy, I'm depressed."

And and then she did like a rap.

She did like a performance.

We were like, "Mommy, we're depressed."

She was like

Whoo

"You're depressed."

"Ay, Dios mio."

"Allow me to reintroduce myself."

"I am your mother,

and when I was 12 years old,

I had to leave my country

because the government took my house."

"I had to go to the United States

by myself, work 27 different jobs,

and go to sleep in a washing machine

and wake up in a dryer."

"I didn't have any friends, any money,

any toys, any YouTube,

any Netflix, any Amazon, any Hulu,

any YouTube TV,

any Toys"R"Us, any Best Buy, any Target,

and I didn't have anything."

"And then I had to

I had to learn to speak English

and pay my way through college."

"While I was doing that,

I got pregnant with you."

"And you didn't ruin my life,

but you didn't didn't ruin my life."

"When you were born, you were so stupid,

you didn't know how to walk."

"I had to teach you how to walk

because you didn't even know how to walk."

"Then you got a little older

and wanted to do activities."

"I had to pick you up and drop you off,

and drop you off and pick you up,

pick you up and drop you off,

drop you off and pick you up,

pick you up and drop you off,

pick you up and drop you off,

drop you off and pick you up,

and pick you up and drop you off."

"Sometimes, I had to drop you off,

and then I had to wait."

"And then I pick you up and drop you off,

and pick you up and drop you off,

pick you up and drop you off,

pick you up and drop you off,

pick you up and drop you off,

pick you up and drop you off."

"So if anybody in this house

is gonna have depression,

it's gonna be me."

And that is when I learned

that depression is something

that you earn.

You have to deserve it.

And listen, I know

that mental health is real, you know?

I'm just telling you my experience,

which is I was not allowed to have it.

Okay? And and I I tried to have it.

I don't know what my life

would've been like if I got to have it.

But I know that not having it

kind of helped me in a lot of ways.

It helped me push through

a lot of dark situations, you know?

It wasn't always this nice for me.

This is a beautiful moment.

I'm very grateful for you guys

and everything you've done to support me.

It means the world.

People people sometimes ask me,

they go, "Marcello, do you like it?"

"Do you like to be

on Saturday Live Night?"

And they always go, "When does it film?"

I'm like

"It's okay."

People ask me, "Do you like it?

Do you like to tour, do these shows?"

"Do you like what you're doing?"

I'm like, "Do I like it?"

"I used to be the guy

at the top of the slide at a water park."

"I love it."

I It is insane what has happened to me.

My my job used to be

to look at a little kid and say, "Wait."

A little kid would be like

"I wanna go right now!"

"You have to wait. I'm so sorry."

That was my job.

I had little kids coming up to me

and screaming at me, you know?

And I learned a lot at that job.

I learned about hard work

and about, you know, and struggle,

and about being in the wrong place

but having to continue.

And I also learned

that I don't like skinny kids. I, I

I don't like them.

I'm sorry. I don't like them.

Have you seen them?

Have you seen a skinny kid?

They're possessed. They're like

And the blood is pumping too fast

in their body, and they're crazy.

Skinny kids used to come to the slide,

look me in my eye, and be like

"Push me!"

And I'll tell you the truth, I wanted to.

I wasn't allowed, but I wanted to.

I don't like them.

And they'll say random stuff.

Skinny kids will just lie to your face.

They'll just say a lie.

A skinny kid will be,

"I can run faster than a car!"

I'm like, "No, you can't.

You can't do that."

"Nobody can do that. That's so stupid.

"Why would you even say that?"

Skinny kids are insane.

Skinny kids will reveal a family secret.

Don't tell a skinny kid anything.

A skinny kid will tell everyone

a family secret.

A skinny kid will be like,

"My mom takes pills to go to sleep."

"My mom hits my dad, and he cries."

I'm like, "Shut up."

And I can talk about skinny kids

because I was one.

I might've been

one of the skinniest kids of all time.

And I did some skinny stuff.

I did. The skinniest thing I ever did

When I was ten years old,

I used to take the bus to school and home

because, uh, my mom worked a lot.

And, um, I wasn't getting

a lot of respect on the bus.

'Cause I was new on the bus.

And the bus is like jail.

Whoever is there the longest,

they have the most respect.

And I was new on the bus,

so I didn't get any respect.

So I decided one day

to convince everyone on the bus

that my mom lets me smoke cigarettes.

And they believed me.

And then, when they were like,

"Oh, that's cool," I was like, "Yeah."

"And my dad lets me drink alcohol."

And they were like, "Whoa, that's cool."

And I'm like, "Yeah."

And they were like,

"Well, we better enjoy Marcello

because he's gonna die very soon."

And I was a legend on the bus. A legend.

They thought that I was getting drunk

and smoking cigarettes at ten years old.

I was a legend.

Every time I'd get on the bus,

the girls would be like, "Marcello!"

And I'd be like,

"Chill, mami. I'm wasted."

I was a badass on the bus.

And then after like two or three weeks

of being a legend on the bus,

I got home one day,

and my home phone rang.

And I picked up the phone.

And I swear, this lady on the phone goes,

"Hi, this is Ana

from Child Protective Services."

And I was like, "What?"

She was like, "I'm calling

due to a report by your driver

that your mom lets you smoke cigarettes

and your dad lets you drink alcohol."

"Um, we just wanted to let you know

that we are in the process

of finding you a foster home."

And I'm like "No!

They don't even let me drink soda!"

She goes, "I understand you're scared, um,

but just, uh, please,

let me talk to your mom."

And I'm like "No!

Find the foster home first!"

Hell no. So the obviously was like,

"This is serious.

Let me talk to your mom."

I'm like, "Okay."

And so I talked to God for a moment.

And then I gave the phone to my mom.

And my mom is like, "Who is it?"

And I'm like, "She's gonna take me!"

She's like, "Who?"

I'm like, "The woman on the phone!"

My mom's like, "What?"

She grabs the phone.

She starts talking to this lady.

She gets emotional. She goes, "Wow, okay."

"All right, I will. Okay, I will."

When she hangs up the phone,

she tells me that now, by law,

her and my father need to report

to Child Protective Services.

My mom needs to check

her nails and her lungs

to see if she's an active smoker.

And my dad has to pee in little cups

to see if he's an active drinker.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's how skinny I was.

Yeah.

Maybe one of the skinniest of all time.

And so, imagine the guilt

that my mom put on me

for those two weeks she had to report

to Child Protective Services.

Imagine, every day,

"Have a great day at school, Marcello."

"I'm gonna go to Child Protective Services

to see if I can still be your mom."

I felt so bad. I felt so guilty.

I was paranoid, super paranoid.

I told everyone at school,

even the teachers,

they cannot say anything

in front of the bus driver

because he is undercover

for Child Protective Services.

I was freaking out. I have never been

so freaked out in my life.

And those two weeks felt like an eternity.

And after those two weeks,

my parents sat me down.

We had a conversation.

And they were like, "Marcello, um,

your father quit drinking a long time ago,

I quit smoking 15 years ago,

so obviously, we've tested negative,

and you get to stay with us."

And I was like,

"Good job, guys."

And it was one of those that was so bad

that they don't have to punish me.

I punish myself, you know?

They look at me like this.

And I'm like, "No, yeah, I know."

"I, I, I, I threw away my TV.

I threw away my Xbox."

I called Disney World and I told them

we're never gonna go back there again.

And we never talked about it again

after I after it happened.

It was something that was so bad

that we never talked about it again.

It was that bad.

It was one of those things

that you just you let it go.

The kid learned the lesson. You let it go.

That's how bad it is.

And we never communicated about it again.

I never apologized.

I never asked her

what it was like. Nothing.

And that was when I was ten.

When I was 21 years old, I was in Ohio.

And I saw a sign

for Child Protective Services

inside of a CVS.

I'll never forget it.

And I saw the sign, and I went, "Wow."

"I have not talked to my mom

about our experience."

"I have never asked her what it was like

to have such a skinny kid."

So I decided to call her and apologize.

So I call my mom, and I go,

"Mommy, do you remember

when Child Protective Services

almost took me

because the bus driver

was a double agent?"

And my mom goes,

"Ay, s, yes, Marcello. I remember."

"And I forgot to tell you that

that was my friend Maria

that called you that day."

And I'm glad it's funny to you guys.

I was so confused.

I was like, "What?"

And she was like, "Your sister told me

what you said on the bus."

I was like, "Wow, I had no idea

she was such an evil little witch."

My mom was like,

"Yeah, your sister told me,

so I was like, 'Oh, he wants to lie?

Let's see who can lie the best.'"

And to this day,

every year on my birthday,

this evil woman posts on my Facebook page,

"Happy birthday from Ana

at Child Protective Services."

People sometimes, they wonder,

you know, they go,

"How Latino is Marcello?

He looks like he plays lacrosse."

And

And I'm gonna tell you

exactly how Latino I am.

My mom used to hit me

in the women's bathroom at the mall.

I'm a real veteran, dawg.

To a lot of people,

that was just a bathroom.

To us, it was the Colosseum.

We lost a lot of great men in there.

And I never did anything crazy

to deserve to go to the Colosseum.

Sometimes you'll be at the mall

and see a kid talking to his mom.

And he's like

"I hate you, and I wanna go home!"

You know. And I'll let you guys decide

the race of that child.

Anytime I see a little kid

talking to his mom like that,

"I hate you, and I wanna go home!"

I'll go to my mom and be like,

"You know I'd never do

that to you, right?"

"That little boy has crossed the line."

"And I pray that he pays the price."

"That is all, your highness."

No. I would never do

something like that to my mom.

The reason I would get in trouble

is because my mom would notice

that I would do, like, a personality trait

that she didn't like, you know?

We'd get in trouble not for saying

something crazy to our mom.

We don't have the ba*ls

to say something crazy.

Our mom is too scary for us

to say something crazy to her.

We say it in our room

behind her back, you know?

In your room,

you talk to her in an imaginary

"Mm, you better not talk to me like that.

I'll k*ll you." You know?

And then she goes, "What was that?"

And you go, "Nothing!"

"Talking to myself!"

No, we get in trouble for going like this.

She tells you to do something, and you go

And sometimes, you realize in the moment.

Have you ever done that?

Have you ever realized in the moment

what you just did

and what your future holds?

Have you ever done that? Your mom's like,

"Take out the trash!" You're like, "Ugh."

"Aah!"

"No, no, no.

Please, please, Mommy, no, please!"

"I don't even know that guy!

I don't even know who did that!"

"I would never do that to you

after everything you do for me,

all the sacrifices you make,

everything you do to give me a good life."

"I would never do that to you."

I've been there.

What happened to me is,

right before we leave the mall,

we'd be about to leave the mall.

And right before we leave the mall,

we'd be at the door of the mall.

And I can feel the air of the outside.

And I can't wait to leave the mall

because we have been at the mall

for ten hours.

And we have not bought

anything for anybody.

And I am so ready to leave the mall.

Right when I get to the door, my mom goes,

"Ah, Marcello, I forgot

to go to DSW. Let's go!"

And I I go like this. I go

And that's it.

Time to go to the Colosseum.

And now I'm in the women's bathroom

in Miami in the early 2000s

because I breathed incorrectly.

I am in there,

and my mom is twisting my ear

in way that is teaching me about anatomy.

I'm learning about cartilage

and how it cannot be destroyed.

She's twisting my ear. I'm like

And it's a very Latina environment

because the music in the bathroom is

Come on, baby, come on, baby

Do that conga

Come on, baby, come on, baby

Any longer

I'm getting my a*s beat to Gloria Estefan.

I look across the bathroom,

and there's another little Latino kid

getting his a*s beat.

I'm like, "What'd you do?"

He's like "I didn't do anything."

"She just wanted to hit me."

I'm like, "I don't understand you, papa.

You're gonna have to slow down."

He's like, "Nothing."

"My mom got me some sneakers,

and I didn't like them."

I'm like, "What'd you do

when you didn't like the sneakers?"

He's like, "Nothing."

"She showed me the sneakers,

and I didn't like them."

"And then very quietly to myself,

I just I went like this, like"

That's suicide.

You deserved that, my boy.

My mom never hit me hard.

My mom hit me a lot.

Very different.

She hit me a lot,

and she had talks with me.

She would tell me little speeches

out of nowhere

that would make me grateful

for what's going on, you know?

Out of nowhere, on a random day,

my mom would be like,

"Marcello, what if I told you

that everything

that you think is yours is mine?"

I'm like, "What?"

"What if I told you

you don't have anything

because you don't have a job and money?"

I'm like, "What?" "You don't have a job

and money so you've not bought anything."

"I've bought everything.

You don't have anything."

"Nothing you think is yours is yours.

Everything's mine. That's my TV, my Xbox,

my bed, my sheets,

my underwear, my clothes."

"The door is mine. The air is mine.

Don't touch the air. That's my air."

"Don't touch the refrigerator.

That's mine."

"Nothing's yours. Everything's mine.

Do you understand that?"

I'd be like, "What?"

She'd be like, "You don't have anything!"

"You don't have anything.

I have everything."

"You don't work. I work."

"I have everything.

Everything is mine. Nothing is yours."

I'm like, "Okay, Mama, I understand."

She's like, "Okay."

"Happy birthday."

And when you grow up like that, you know,

when you grow up

with that type of upbringing, you know,

American TV and American movies

start to become very unbelievable.

I never understood any of the TV shows.

I would go home

My mom would twist my ear in the bathroom,

and then I would go home

and watch Full House.

And if you don't know Full House,

Full House is a show about a white guy

that his wife dies,

and then him and his two friends

need to raise three little girls.

And they call it Full House

because that's a lot of people

in one house

for the whites.

Let's be honest.

If that was a Black, Latino,

or Asian show,

it would be called "House."

Every episode of that show

used to blow my mind

because the daughter would do

something crazy.

The daughter, the oldest daughter,

would do something insane.

She'd be like,

"I'm gonna smoke cigarettes."

I'd be at my house like,

"Don't do that, D.J.!"

"That could be very

Come on, D.J. Please, don't do that."

I was like my grandma watching a novella.

"Please, D.J. You're gonna die."

Then, of course,

she wouldn't listen to me.

She'd go smoke cigarettes

with the girl with the long neck.

You remember, Kimmy.

And listen, I love Kimmy,

and she grew into it,

but back then, it was crazy.

So they would go smoke cigarettes.

And then D.J. would come home

smelling like cigarettes.

Uncle Joey would be in the kitchen.

He'd smell the cigarettes. He'd be like

"Oh my God.

I have to go tell Bob Saget about this."

And he would go tell Bob Saget.

That's the dad.

Then Bob Saget would come

into the kitchen and be like, "D.J."

"Why does it smell like cigarettes?"

"And where were you?"

I'm already a little bit pissed off.

I'm like, "Speak up, Bob Saget."

"You know exactly why

it smells like cigarettes."

"That little girl disrespected you

in your house."

"After everything you do for her,

all the sacrifices you make,

all the money you spend

to give her a good life,

she has the ba*ls to go behind your back

and smoke cigarettes, Bob Saget."

"That little girl has crossed the line,

and today is the day she pays the price."

And, of course, Bob Saget,

he's just looking at her,

and she's looking at the camera.

And the camera goes to D.J., and she goes

And I'm like, "Don't be scared now."

"You were a big girl

when you wanted to smoke cigarettes."

"Be a big girl now."

And then it would go to commercial.

And I'd be like, "Oh!"

Bob Saget

When we come back from commercial,

Bob Saget is about to beat the brakes

off of this little b*tch.

Or, at the very least,

make her smoke

the whole pack of cigarettes.

At least show me something, Bob Saget.

We come back from commercial,

and D.J.'s like

"Aah!" And then she runs up the stairs,

and I'm like,

"Running makes it worse."

If you know, you know.

She runs up the stairs.

And she gets to her door,

and she goes, "Pow!"

And she slams the door.

And I'm like, "Ohh!"

"Whoo!"

"Strike two, mama."

"Now you're really gonna get it."

And then Bob Saget runs up the stairs.

And I'm screaming at Bob Saget.

I'm like, "Take your belt off

on the way, Bob Saget."

Bob Saget runs up there.

He gets to the door, and she goes

And she locks the door.

Exactly.

I'm not even upset. I'm confused.

I'm like,

"Where did this little girl get a lock?"

"She must be paying rent in this house."

And then Bob Saget gets to the door,

and he blows my mind.

Bob Saget gets to the door, and he goes

That's when I freak out.

I'm like "You don't have to knock

on the door! That's your door!"

"Take the door off the door

and hit her with the door!"

And I know

that's not the right thing to do,

but I was hungry for blood at the time.

He knocks on the door.

The little girl goes Unlocks the door.

What a lovely young lady.

And then Bob Saget walks into that room

and, again, does something

that my brain cannot even comprehend.

I gave him very simple instructions.

"Bob, you don't have to hit her

if you don't want to,

but at least find something

that she loves and destroy it."

That guy walks into this girl's room,

and he goes, "D.J."

"Why would you go smoke cigarettes?"

"Why would you do that, D.J.?"

"You know, not only are you hurting me,

but you're hurting yourself."

And she's like, "I'm sorry, Dad."

He's like, "It's okay, D.J."

"I love you very much."

"But today, I'm really disappointed."

And, uh, I throw up.

And then D.J. goes, "So,

safe to say

I can't go to the party on Friday?"

And I'm like, "This b*tch."

And Bob Saget goes,

"Safe to say."

When I saw that, I wanted to record it

and present it to my mom.

I wanted to put a TV on wheels

and go up to my mom

and be like, "Hello, Sharks.

Thank you for having me today."

"I would like to present to you

a different method, Mama."

[audience laughing

Then my mom'd be like

"In my experience,

the only way that you learn

is when I twist your ear

or destroy something that you love."

"And, for that reason, I'm out."

And I'll be honest, when I was watching

those shows when I was younger,

I did want that life.

I did. I wanted that life.

It seemed nice. It seemed safe.

And I I was jealous, you know?

And now I've gotten older,

I have grown, you know, really proud

of the way I grew up.

I'm proud to have immigrant parents

and to be raised by them.

You know?

They made me strong, you know?

They made me strong,

and they made me powerful.

And and, um, I

I feel like one day, I want to have kids.

And I do feel like I kind of wanna have

a kid that grew up like me, you know?

And I think, sometimes,

when people grow up like I did, you know,

with the fake phone calls

and the Colosseum,

they they say stuff like,

"I'm gonna stop the cycle."

"I'm gonna stop the cycle of violence."

And I wanna say to you tonight, Miami,

I am going to continue the cycle.

And, you know, I think that, um,

it's very interesting to grow up

the way we did, with immigrant parents.

It is very interesting.

We are not allowed

to have mental health issues.

And I think that that's why

we steal the jobs.

You know, uh, who would you rather hire?

You know, Antonio,

who has no idea that he has

any kind of mental health issue,

or Jake, who's gonna take a personal day?

I don't know. I I don't know. I just

I've been watching the news now

for the first time in my life

because they're talking about us.

And, uh, it's crazy.

Every time I turn on the news,

there's a white lady like,

"The immigrants are coming here,

and they're doing crime."

And I'm like

'Cause I grew up around immigrants.

Everybody I grew up with was an immigrant.

My parents, my parents' friends,

my teachers, everybody was an immigrant.

My soccer coach. Everyone I ever

grew up with was an immigrant.

And and maybe we are doing crime,

but the biggest crime that we're doing

is working illegally,

which is a pretty solid crime.

There are a lot of Americans

that don't wanna work legally, you know?

So we are filling a void there.

We're helping out, you know?

And and I just don't like the idea

that the immigrants,

especially the Latino immigrants,

are scary.

I really know about Latino immigrants.

That's something I know about.

I don't know about politics, about laws.

I do know about Latino immigrants.

That's who raised me. That's who I know.

And when they get on the news

and go, "The immigrants are scary"

White people like, "Immigrants are scary."

I'm like, "No. And don't say that."

We're not scary,

and white people are not scared of us.

Have you seen a white person at a resort?

Do they look scared of us

when they're like

"Hola"?

"Cmo ests?"

They love us.

They go to a bar, they make a joke

with a Latino bartender, they laugh,

then they go, "That's it, Santiago,

you're coming home with us."

You love us.

We're fun.

I know some people want

the immigrants out of here,

and some people are sad

about the immigrants.

They're sad about what's happening

to the immigrants. Like,

"It's so sad what's happening

to the immigrants."

"They're throwing them over the wall."

And I wanna say something right now.

We'll be back, okay?

We always come back.

We're smart.

We're smart.

What are you gonna do when I get

to the border and I say, "Bonjour"?

We'll be fine.

We're genius. We'll be fine.

It just does bother me a little bit

to hear, you know, white people talking

about the Latinos like we're scary.

We're all scary.

Everybody has scary people.

I wanna say something to the white people

that think Latino immigrants are scary.

I want to say that if you're white

and you think that Latino immigrants

are coming to America

to grab a bunch of little kids

and put them in a basement,

no.

That's your thing.

We don't do that type of crime.

We don't like our own kids.

Why would we grab random kids?

That's not interesting to us.

We don't do that type of crime.

And I know I'm getting really aggressive

with white people right now,

but I can say it, okay?

Because I have a lot of white friends.

And they love me.

They're cool with it. So be cool, okay?

We're all flawed people.

And my big message is

to remember this, white people,

when you are judging

the Latino immigrants, remember this.

Remember that Latinos

do fun, exciting crimes.

What's a Latino crime?

Be r*cist for a moment.

What's a Latino crime?

"I'm driving the plane,

and it has a little bit of cocaine."

That's a fun crime.

That's a fun, exciting crime.

We're in the air. "Ha-ha-ha-ha."

It's fun.

So let's remember this when we judge

and when we put blanket statements

on the Latino immigrants. Remember that.

Remember that Latino immigrants

do fun, exciting crimes

that belong in movies.

And white people do creepy crimes

from documentaries.

Miami!

Thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you!

I'm so happy to be home.

Thank you for coming out tonight.

Thank you for supporting me always.

This is where it started.

Y a los latinos, los quiero, los amo.

Gracias por apoyarme.

Se les quiere mucho.

Buenas noches, seores. Gracias.