01x06 - New You

[bunniefuu]

RESTFUL MUSIC PLAYS

CRAIG MURMURS

f*cking hell!

What time is it? It's ten o'clock.

On a Sunday morning.

We've slept in.

BOTH: Grace!

♫ All right, all right

Give me strength

♫ Give me love. ♫

Grace.

You got up on your own, Grace?

And you opened your own curtains?

Oh, my God!

Put your own socks on?

This is superb behaviour, kid.

Oh, my God!

Look at my skin.

Look how plump it is.

I'm glowing.

Craig

I've got no bags.

SHE GASPS

I need the world to see me

like this. I look amazing!

Do it. Me and Grace are gonna

build a fairy unicorn garden.

Have fun.

MUSIC: Boom Boom Pow

by the Black Eyed Peas

♫ I like that boom-boom-pow

♫ Them chickens jockin' my style

♫ They try to copy my swagger

♫ I'm on that next sh*t now

♫ I got that boom-boom-boom

♫ That future boom-boom-boom. ♫

Now then.

Why have you brought us here?

So we can have brunch together.

Then I'm gonna go for a run.

Brunch!

A run?!

Yeah, I feel like I can do anything.

I feel like For the first time

since I was pregnant,

I feel like me. You weren't you

when you were pregnant.

You were a weirdo.

You used to eat soap suds, remember?

Yeah, scooping big handfuls

from the sink into her gob.

Oh, yeah, I used to shovel 'em in

till they were coming out my nose.

She was the most pregnant person

that I'd ever seen.

Anyway, anyway

You know how it's my birthday

next Saturday?

Yeah? You know how my 30th, I'd just

had Grace and I felt like I was

really fat and tired,

didn't want anyone to make a fuss?

Yeah,

you made everyone's life a misery,

just because we had a small do.

I wanna have the party I never had.

I want to showcasethe new me.

I know it sounds mad, but

I feel like big things

are on the horizon for Toni.

Oh, sh*t - third person!

She's gonna focus on her career now.

Yes. She's gonna do a drama course

in Leeds.

Is she?

She's gonna reach for the stars.

Aw!

First I'm gonna reach for some cake.

Walton Street Club for the party.

I'll book it.

Hey, if we all chip in,

we could get her a cheap run-around.

Piss off am I buying her a car!

I'm thinking of us.

Who's gonna be taking her to Leeds

when she misses the train?

SHE SIGHS

Good point.

I'll go to Seany's garage tomorrow.

Seany?

Is he that one who does the

Multiple orgasms, yeah.

Bloody hell! Good luck on that run.

Mm!

That's nice.

You're right.

It totally is you.

You're thinking, "Is this me?"

It is.

Oh, I don't know if I could

get away with it.

Oh, what we gonna do with you, eh?

I get a bit intimidated

in shops like this.

I don't think I've got

the length of bone.

I aren't having this.

You are a material girl

in a material world.

Do you know who said that?

Madonna.

Pauline Prescott.

Do you have any comfy jeans?

You wear comfy jeans

after an operation.

You wear THESE jeans

when you're living your best life.

I won't get those over my knees.

I know.

That's why I'm here.

Oh, Jesus!

Do you think we should stop for air?

No way! Do you think that's what

Cheryl Tweedy said

when she climbed Kilimanjaro?

No. She carried on.

It's like vacuum packing a settee.

There's nothing on you!

THEY GROAN

TONI SIGHS

Right. Let's have a look at you.

SHE GASPS SOFTLY

I've got a bum!

I've never had a bum before.

I feel a bit emotional!

Thank you.

Thank you.

That'll be £70, then, please.

Cash or card?

♫ Don't push too hard

♫ Your dreams are China in your hand

♫ Don't wish too ♫

ASHLEY: Just popping out, Mam.

Come here a sec.

Oh, God!

Your Luke DJs, doesn't he?

Yeah. I need him for Toni's party.

And I want proper party tunes,

though.

Nothing that requires gold teeth

and a sl*t drop.

What the bloody hell is that?

It's from Luke.

It's not an engagement ring -

don't lose your rag.

But it is to show people

that I belong to him. Excuse me.

You don't belong to anyone, ever.

Unless you've got a joint mortgage,

and then

It's past the three-month mark now,

Mam. It's proper.

I really love him.

Ah, let's just give it

another three months, yeah?

Eurgh, look at your leg hair!

I thought you were gonna try

that place that I told you about

in town.

I walked in and I walked back out.

I'm not showing my '70s bush

in there.

They're all still doing their GCSEs.

Anyway, I've got Elaine

coming over tomorrow.

She's doing me a look

for Toni's party.

Maybe I could watch her.

You've got delicate colouring, Mam,

and it needs a light touch.

What you after?

Nowt.

I just thought we couldchill.

Oh.

Yeah, that'd be well dope.

Promise me

you'll never say "dope" again.

Mam!

PAULA CHUCKLES

Hey, you!

Think that'd be well dope.

MUSIC: Sunshine Of Your Love

by Cream

Oi-oi!

♫ It's getting near dawn

♫ When lights close

their tired eyes ♫

Rana. How you doing?

Yeah, no, I'm good.

So, listen

I need a cheap run-around.

Something compact, good-looking

and goes like a rocket

when you handle her right.

HE LAUGHS SOFTLY

I reckon I can rustle something up.

When do you need it by?

This Saturday for Toni's birthday.

No problem.

SHE CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

So, when are you and me

gonna get naked?

I'm celibate now, Rana.

Do you even know

what that word means?

I just had this moment of clarity

in the middle of a threesome

with two losses from Hessle.

I thought, "I'm done with sex.

"There's got to be

more to life than this."

SHE SIGHS

There is.

20 minutes with me.

I'm a changed man. I've found

inner peace.

I'm done with sex.

I'm gonna k*ll those lasses

from Hessle.

What you want from me, Rana

you can find within yourself.

Trust meI really can't.

What are you doing tomorrow night?

I'm gonna take you to

a place you've never been.

Right, go on, then, sausage.

Put that on

the "enigmatic starlet" pile.

Ew! Yeah, this one's

going on the "haggard wench" pile.

Ready for your birthday?

Got a little surprise prepared.

SLAPPING

Look at it!

Look at it!

Who knows where I could end up

with an arse like this?

Emmerdale.

Grandma on Hollyoaks.

Wow!

What are these about?

Those are for the charity shop.

This is the new me.

If it doesn't make me

feel incredible, it has to go.

Last time you did that, you ended up

buying it back cos they'd ironed it.

Craig, I just wanna

into my birthday party and

everyone see that I've arrived.

But also

I've arrived.

Are these Grace's baby things?

You can't throw these out.

Yeah, yeah, I kept the cute stuff.

That's just from the dark days.

What dark days?

SHE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

Craig

Do you not remember the last four

years?

We were like the walking dead.

Never again.

All right, yeah, never again.

That's you, chuck.

SHE SIGHS

Voila.

Do you want a look?

Yeah, go on, then.

Ariana Grande!

Just like you wanted.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

God, I'm the spitting image of her.

PHONE CHIMES

Hold on a sec.

Oh, the magician's pulled out.

He's got double time

at the fish factory.

What am I gonna do?

Our Toni is expecting

circus de friggin' soleil.

Party's Saturday, right?

I'll do me clairvoyancy.

Yeah, that'd be ace.

Has the burning stopped?

Cos you don't want them peas

to defrost.

Oh, no.

Here y'are, Ash.

Whack them in t'freezer.

We'll have 'em for our tea tonight.

♫ Give me strength. ♫

Thank you all for coming today.

I invite you all to close your eyes,

and connect with yourself.

Welcome to Mind Over Matter

celibacy meditation.

SHE SIGHS

Trust me

it's better than sex.

Have you forgotten what sex is?

Just open your mind, Rana.

Give it a try.

For me.

BELLS DING

Fill your lungs.

HE INHALES DEEPLY

Access your inner enlightened self.

SHE SIGHS

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

HE INHALES DEEPLY

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

Open your eyes.

BELL DINGS

Wh Where's everyone gone?

You've been sat there for an hour -

they've gone home. An hour?!

How do you feel?

Free.

Amazing!

And so

calm.

Oh, my God!

I don't wanna shag you.

SHE GASPS

TONI GROANS

Oh, God! It's like putting

a sleeping bag back in its sack.

God, you're packing it on,

aren't you?

Oh, yeah, and you're skin and bone.

I was gonna say you look nice

an' all.

Mam looks lovely, doesn't she,

Auntie Toni?

Ashley's done me make-up.

I think it's took years off me.

Yeah, not the hard years, though.

They could do with going.

Cheeky cow!

RANA SIGHS

Oh. You all right?

I've had an experience.

I've seen the upside of celibacy.

Oh, squeeze in

Is that my Chloe bag?

Sorry, Auntie Rana.

I borrowed it the other day.

Oh, please let me take it

to the party.

I've only got ones

you could fit a microwave in.

Course!

I don't really need it.

I don't really need anything.

What do we need, really?

Have you been sniffing glue?

I've been to a place

I've never been before.

Have a drink. Oh.

Oh! Oh, Ashley,

you just pushed on my bladder.

Ugh! Just done a little wee.

That's your body letting go

of what you don't need.

No, it's age, that is.

And your buggered pelvic floor.

Just dab it with a J-Cloth.

I've just pissed on the most

expensive piece of clothing I own.

SHE SIGHS

Mm.

♫ Toni-i-ight

♫ All right, all right

♫ Give me strength. ♫

Oh, no!

♫ My boy Lollipop

♫ You make my heart go giddy-up

♫ You are as sweet as candy

♫ You're my sugar dandy

♫ Whoa-oh, my boy Lollipop

♫ Don't ever, ever leave me ♫

I don't understand. How did you

not know you were up the duff, Toni?

Did you miss a period?

I don't know. They come, they go.

I can't keep up with 'em.

Like the ebb and flow of the tide?

Yeah, something like that.

God, I can't believe this is

happening.

What you gonna do, Tone?

SHE HUMS NERVOUSLY

I'm gonna enjoy my birthday party.

Yeah, you are. Come here.

What am I gonna tell Craig?

Truth will set you free, Toni.

THEY CHEER

Life begins at 35!

Get this down you.

Happy birthday, Toni.

Happy birthday.

Hiya, darling.

Hiya, baby.

Hello. Wow, babe! You look well fit.

Craig Ready for your surprise?

Craig Yeah, don't be upset.

I've been rehearsing and everything.

You're really gonna love it.

Toni!

Big up the birthday girl!

You're looking gorgeous tonight.

Get on that dance floor!

Christ, it speaks!

Come on, everyone - join in.

Don't be shy.

MUSIC: Uptown Funk

by Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars

♫ This hit

That ice cold

♫ Michelle Pfeiffer

That white gold

♫ This one for them hood girls

♫ Them good girls

♫ Straight masterpieces

♫ Stylin', wilin'

♫ Livin' it up in the city

♫ Got Chucks on with Saint Laurent

Gotta ♫

SHE GASPS

Oh, my God!

What you doing?

Your sister's having a baby!

I'm gonna be an uncle?

♫ The chills that you spill

On my back

♫ Keep me filled

♫ With satisfaction ♫

Paula's just told me.

That's bloody amazing news.

I'm so proud of you!

Thanks, bro.

Anything you need, I'm here.

Ta, but

I don't need anything.

It's all inside me.

Hey. You should try it.

I'll put you in touch with Seany.

He'll sort you right out!

Wow!

There she is!

Oh, my God! I love it!

Oh, she's gonna love this!

Oh, yeah!

How you doing? Good, yeah.

You seemed pretty blown away

by the meditation the other day.

I was.

Saw who I really am.

And I've seen who I really am.

I've been thinking about all

the amazing times we had together.

I'm meant to be at it with you,

not

HE SCOFFS

..chanting, eating lentils and

wasting my best shagging years.

HE EXHALES DEEPLY

You up for it?

SHE LAUGHS

What you want of me,

you can find in yourself.

And what I want'sin there.

Can't we just do it in the back

of the car for old times' sake?

I'll leave you to it. Rana

♫ All the girls on the block

knocking at my door ♫

Oh, she's there.

Come on, girls. She's here.

She can't really tell things

about people, can she? Course not.

Her only skill is getting in close

proximity to a running buffet.

♫ One drop should be enough

♫ Boy, you belong to me

♫ I got the recipe

♫ And it's called black magic

♫ And it's called black magic, yeah

♫ Take a sip from my secret potion

♫ One taste and you'll be mine

♫ It's a spell that can't be broken

♫ It'll keep you up all night

♫ Boy, you belong to me

♫ I got the recipe

♫ And it's called black magic

♫ And it's called black magic,

yeah ♫

I've made contact.

Got a woman here?

Small.

Perm.

Smoking B&H.

Flicking it into her hand

like an ashtray.

BOTH: Mam?

She's saying

someone here is with child.

Does that mean anything to anyone?

Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

f*cking hell, you've all been busy!

Did you tell Paula? No, course not.

Rana! I found your scan picture.

It's all right -

we're all here for you.

What scan picture?

I'm not bloody pregnant - Toni is.

YOU are?! Yeah.

Just found out. You're pregnant?

Yeah.

Hold on. No, the scan picture

has the surname Bansal on it,

and you and me are the only Bansals.

What? And me.

You're having a baby?

Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to.

Hold on. You're both having a baby?

Oh, my God, it's like Jeremy Kyle

in here. I think I'm gonna be sick.

What you playing at?

You're only 17, Ash.

Is Luke the dad? Yeah!

Oh, my God.

He's playing Little Mix over there.

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

Can we have the birthday girl

to the dance floor, please?

I've got a little surprise for her.

There's a f*cking great

huge one over here!

Do Bat Out Of Hell!

Toni

I'm so proud of you. I know I don't

always know how to tell you that,

so I've wrote it all down in a song.

It's called sh**ting Star.

Two three, four.

Craig, I'm pregnant.

You what?

We're having another baby.

Mad scenes here! Toni's up the duff!

Yeah.

And so's my baby girl.

Luke!

LUKE!

I'm gonna rip your head off!

How do you feel about it?

Honestly?

I couldn't be happier.

I've always wanted another one.

Aw, Craig!

BANGING

Luke?

How do you feel about it?

I'm f*cking gutted.

When I find you, I'm gonna

You little

I'll never fit

into these jeans again.

Come here! Luke!

Shouldn't one of us

try and calm him down?

Where are you? Nah.

Once he twigs he's gonna be

a grandad, he'll be over the moon.

Mam

me and Luke have got it

all planned.

Kelisi'll want for nothing.

Kelisi?!

Jesus wept!

I'm not baby-sitting for you.

You got yourself into this mess!

Are you all right, P?

Don't talk to me.

What about you, Tone?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Just

watching my Oscar dreams

go down the plug hole.

Right, come on.

We need to make the most of this

before the bairns come along.

You and I are doing shots, Paula.

And, Toni

you can watch us doing shots.

Yeah, great.

Shots?

What happened to being enlightened?

Oh Come on, Paula.

I am.

I saw my true self

and you know what?

I am f*cking brilliant just as I am.

No change required.

Wow! No, I mean, that is

That's really beautiful, Rana.

Isn't it?

Now, come on.

Let's get to the bar.

Paula?

What you doing in there -

making your will?

Just give me a sec, yeah? I'm

I'll be out

I'll be out in a minute.

OK.

SHE SNIFFLES

Hello, peanut.

MUSIC: Rebel Girl

by Bikini k*ll

♫ That girl, she's the queen

of the neighbourhood

♫ She got the hottest d*ke in town

♫ That girl, she holds her head up

so high

♫ I think I wanna be

her best friend, yeah

♫ Rebel girl

♫ Rebel girl

♫ Rebel girl, you are

the queen of my world

♫ Rebel girl

♫ Rebel girl

♫ I think I wanna take you home

♫ I wanna try on your clothes, oh

♫ Come and be your best friend

♫ Really, rebel girl

♫ I really like you

♫ I really wanna be

♫ Your best friend

♫ Be my rebel girl. ♫