01x04 - The Sponsor

[bunniefuu]

Gentlemen, you know what they call us?

They call us soft.

They call us losers.

They call us b*tch boys.

Who calls us b*tch boys?

I've said it. Me and all of your parents.

But all that stops today.

You see, boys, I've created a technique
that'll toughen you up

as well as change
the way basketball is taught forever.

What we're gonna do is we're gonna start
practicing with these bowling ba*ls

'cause if you can make a jump shot
with a bowling ball,

then science says you can make
a sh*t ton more with a basketball.

Science also said if Momma drank
while I was in the womb,

I'd be all f*cked up, but look at me now.
I'm a perfect m*therf*cker, head to toe.

[chuckles] Fair enough.

Everybody come and grab
one of these bowling ba*ls,

and let's toughen up.

f*ck! f*ck! Stop! Stop f*cking dribbling!
Look at what you're doing, you dope!

[grunts]

-Don't sh**t! No sh**ting.
-[grunts]

Ow!

This weighs more
than the guilt of my people.

f*cking stop! Stop!
f*cking stop! Don't do anything!

What'd I tell you? f*ck science.

If science is so f*cking great,

how come a scientist ain't butt-f*cking
Kim Kardashian like that Kanye dude?

Answer me that, m*therf*cker.

[theme music playing]

[whistle blows]

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my sh*t ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ 'Bout to lose my sh*t, yeah ♪

[tires screech]

-♪ Hoops! ♪
-[whistle blows]

♪ Hoops! ♪

♪ Hoops! ♪

♪ Hoops! ♪

[rock music playing]

[Ben] Oh, yeah, baby! What a start!

Thank you, everybody. Thank you!

What up, Lenwood?

Let's make some noise!

[firework fizzes]

What is all this?

I thought this was supposed to be
a budget meeting for the team.

What do you think it is?

Jesus Christ!

I'm doing it with a little flair.

It's called f*cking showmanship.

Well, show me and get to the point.

Fine. We need more money.

First of all,
our uniforms are dog sh*t, Opal.

Take a look.

[Opal] What the...

Why are you covered in marinara sauce?

There's a meatball tray out there.

So good!

How can you be that fat

when half the food ends up
on your clothes?

Opal, this is what the team is now.

Fat trash covered in marinara sauce.

Jeez Louise!

But now, let's take a look

at what we could be
with the right funding.

Come on out, Matty!

Look at this f*cking kid, would you?

Must have something to do with Lenwood's
new state-of-the-art weight room.

Man, I feel like one of those moms
on the news who could lift a car.

I'm gonna throw up 30 points
and 15 bounds in this fly gear.

How much would all this cost?

It's interesting that you say that
'cause it's not gonna be cheap.

OK, talk to me.

[drumroll]

Only two easy payments

of 39,642 bucks.

But if you order right now,
I'll do the whole thing for 50 grand.

What a deal!

[laughing]

Fifty thousand dollars?

Are you stupid, man?

The entire sports budget is $3,700.

Look, if I could somehow wave a magic wand

and find all this extra money
in the school's budget,

I'd consider giving it to your a*s.

Although, if I had a magic wand,
I'd be sitting in Hawaii

with Denzel's face between my legs,
not listening to this bullshit.

Denzel?

If someone was gonna sit
in between my legs and eat my vag*na,

no way it would be Denzel.

Enough of this, Ben.
Denzel's eatin' me out.

That's it! Meeting's over!

Yuck! You got Grandpa Denzel Washington
down there--

And guess what? He's eating it up.

Nom, nom, nom.

Enough of this talk. It's over.

Denzel's eating me.

Meeting's over.

[door closes]

[whirring]

Yeah, it's working!

That was an extremely helpful
YouTube video.

Thirty-seven hundred dollars.
What a slap in the face.

The presentation alone
cost me 5,700 bucks.

Well, at least we get to go have
that soft serve you promised us, Coach.

That always heals the hurt.

I never promised you soft serve.

Uh, yeah, you did, you liar.

Liar? If I'm such a liar,
then where's the hard evidence?

Huh?

See, if you can't prove it,
it's not a lie.

Now I'm pissed that you called me a liar,
and I'm storming off!

I think you parked back here.

I know that. I just wanted to see
some of the other cars.

-Liar.
-[Ben] Prove it.

I can't believe Coach didn't wanna be part
of our soft-serve hang.

Like, he's always welching
on his promises.

And he always gets away with it.

He has this way of lying
where we can never prove it.

Like, remember the time he said he had sex

with Tina Fitzsimmons
at Dave and Jill's wedding?

I always thought that was bullshit.

Oh, I'm sure it's a lie.

I assumed he made that up
because we were on a break,

and he heard a rumor that I got
finger-blasted by that pizza delivery guy.

Well, I heard Tina's living in Louisville.

There you go.

This Tina lie is one
we might be able to prove.

Then we can shove it up Ben's a*s
and shut him up forever!

As the great Michael Jordan once said,

"Let's do it."

Do you mean the Nike slogan, "Just do it"?

I mean both.

Everybody just "do's" it.

[school bell rings]

Hey, Opal. Remember when you said

if I could find ways
to cut the school's budget,

you'd give it all to me
and my basketball team?

No. Uh-uh. Never said that.

Well, Opal,
I found savings all over this dump.

Question: Why are we still teaching math?

I mean, we learned that sh*t,
and look where we ended up.

-Are you kidding me?
-Cut the whole department. Gonzo.

Also, I fired the nurse.

Nurse Mathis?

She's gone. We just saved 32 grand
and freed up a handicapped parking spot.

-Dibs!
-Can we just stop it?

Stop it with all this nonsense, please!

Look, I've already
solved your problem for you.

I got the team a sponsor.

What?

-Oh, Opal, you f*cking genius.
-Ha!

Here I am trying
to f*ck the school out of money

when I could just f*ck a big, rich sponsor
out of the money.

Tell me. I'm dying.
Is it Nike? Is it Adidas?

Is it Imodium A-D?

I'd love to get a taste
of that big diarrhea money.

Even better.

Here, I'll show you.

You're gonna love it, Ben.

[uplifting music playing]

[Ben] Hopkins house.

It's what I've always wanted.

This is incredible!

f*cking look at me. I'm emotional.

This is probably how Tate felt
when he finally became a little man.

Oh, I see. [inhales sharply]

How, uh... nice of him.

Coach, you're having hot flashes
like my mom.

If I have to look at that every day,

the next thing hanging up there
will be me,

but not in the fun way
like the lead singer of INXS,

who did it while masturbating.

That's a real thing.

People masturbate and hang themselves,
and then they die.

I don't understand how it's masturbation,
but it is.

Look it up.
One of the weirdest things in the world.

Dad, what the f*ck?

Get your f*cking nuts
out of my g*dd*mn soup,

-you as*h*le!
-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Slow down.

What are you talking about?

My team is the soup,
and your sponsorship is your nuts.

Oh, OK.

Son, if I put my nuts
in your soup bowl, hm,

well, there wouldn't be any room for soup.

Anyway, Opal came in here

and said it would help you out
to have a sponsor.

So I said, "Yeah, why not?
I help the little sh*t out,

get press for the restaurant.
What's the harm?"

I'll tell you what the harm is, Dad.

This is my thing.

OK? It is!

I want people to know that I'm the coach.

And for once, it has nothing to do
with the great Barry Hopkins.

It has to do with Ben Hopkins.

Hey, it is your thing.
All right? I know that.

Everyone knows that.

The gym is your domain.
I respect that, OK?

-You do?
-Yeah.

That means a lot to me.

I love you, Dad. Thank you.

[door closes]

What in the sweet f*ck is this?

Oh, no! No!

[sinister beats]

Hey, move!

This is my gym.

Get his ugly mug off my court, now!

Sorry, Ben. Orders from Opal.

She ever tell you
all that stuff about Denzel Washington?

I mean, he's a good actor, but damn!

Move your a*s, Danny.

I'll do it myself.

[grunting]

[grunting continues]

Oh, man. I think he's crying.

Imagine losing a fight to a sticker.

Oh, my God.

That's f*cking glued on.
That's near impossible.

[sighs] That's hard.
It really hurt my fingers.

Ooh, a duplex. That must be fun.

House on the outside,

-apartment on the inside.
-[door opens]

And Bingo was his name-o.

That's Tina.

Gunnar! Hurry up.

I have to drop you off at the sitter's,
or I'll be late for my shift at Cooters.

[sinister tone]

Is it just me,
or does that kid kind of resemble Coach?

That is rude!

That's an awful thing
to say about a child.

Yeah, you can't just look at a kid
and know that.

[Gunnar]
Where the f*ck is my backpack, Ma?

Why do I always lose the f*cking thing?

Why do I always f*cking lose
a f*cking backpack?

Backpacks should come with bigger straps.

Bigger straps!

I'm 11. I don't have time for this sh*t.

I'm busy!

[engine starts, car drives away]

OK, I'm more open to the possibility
than I was before.

All right, guys. I'm not gonna lie.

We got our work cut out for us tonight.

This is Tarver f*cking High we're playing.
They're no joke.

They're pretty good, actually.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
We're probably gonna lose.

Probably by a lot.

Why? Because they're better than us.

Why? 'Cause you guys aren't
good basketball players and they are.

Why? 'Cause you guys got sh*t genes.

Why? 'Cause your dads
f*cked the wrong ladies. How do I know?

Why? 'Cause they don't have confidence.

Why? 'Cause look at you.

How could you have confidence
if that's the f*cking kid you made?

That's what was living in your nuts.

Why?
How the f*ck should I explain humanity?

And why are you being
such an A-hole, Coach?

Those examples were very specific
and kind of mean.

[dance music playing in distance]

Coach, what's going on up there?

How the f*ck should I know?
I'm down here with you.

DJ, you got to stop
with the bad questions.

[dance music continues]

Opal, what the f*ck?

We had the gym booked tonight.

What do you have in here?
Floor gymnastics?

God, that's an exciting event.

How those girls do those flips and sh*t
with no machines or anything,

I'll never know.

No, Ben. They're here for the game.

There's another game here tonight?
g*dd*mn it!

You f*cked me! This was our night!

No, you idiot.
They're here for you. Your game!

A packed house?

It's gonna feel like
we're at an away game. No fair!

They're rooting for you to win, dumbass!

Looks like sponsorship has its upsides.

Your dad promoted the hell out of this
at the restaurant.

My Dad! My daddy came.

Daddy, you came!

Jesus Christ!

[chuckles nervously] Yeah!

All right, boys. Look around.
You see all these people here?

Oh, sh*t. Did they double-book the gym?

If so, I hope it's floor gymnastics.

Man, when I watch those girls out there,

I'm like, "God, what I wouldn't give
to be able to move my body like that."

No, Matty! They're here for you.

We got fans.

Uh, that doesn't track.

These people believe in you guys.

And so do I, now that these people do.

So listen, a lot of people are saying
that Tarver High's gonna win tonight.

Yeah, Coach, you said that.

And a lot of people are saying

it's because they're better at basketball
than you guys.

Yeah, Coach, you said that too.

But what I say is,
"Screw those people because we got fans."

[all] And... go!

Has anyone seen Ron?

Hey, y'all. Welcome to Cooters,
where every guy has a chance.

What can I get started for y'all?

The firehouse nachos sound delicious.
How long do they take to get out?

I gotta get to my kid's school.
He's in trouble again.

Do you have any kids?

Can't say. The policy here at Cooters

is to not talk about
our families, children, age,

or what medications we take
because it ruins the fantasy.

But between us, yes, I have a son.

He's 11 and tricky, but he's got it rough.

Poor kid doesn't even have
any relationship with his dad.

[both grunting]

Ow! Stop!

It's for the best though.

His dad is a huge as*h*le.

Anyway, look at me
blabbing about my problems

when I should be shaking my cooter.
I'm not a person.

I'll be right back with those nachos.

"Huge as*h*le"?

[scoffs] That's practically stronger
than a DNA test.

Well, looks like Coach has got a kid.

We need to tell him ASAP.

When she shook her cooter,
there was a smell, right?

I'm not crazy.

[cheering]

[audience groans]

-[buzzer]
-[over PA] And that's halftime, friends.

Colts down by 25.

Now, get ready for your halftime report
sponsored by Hopkins Steakhouse.

Hopkins Steakhouse:
where if the Colts win tonight,

you get a free steak!

[distorted] Where if the Colts
win tonight... Colts win tonight...

Free steak!

What the f*ck?

That m*therf*cker!
And not just 'cause he f*cked my mother.

Hey, nice promotion, as*h*le.

I can't believe you bet on us to lose.

Grow up, rookie.

It's a win-win.

Look, you get all these people here
to watch you.

I get all this promotion,
and the best part is,

I won't even have to buy 'em steaks, huh?

Everybody wins!

Well...

not you! [laughs]

You guys lose.

Probably by 50 at this rate.

[laughing]

Sorry!

[recording] The steaks are on this guy.

Go Colts!

Try the Barry sauce.
It's not just ketchup anymore.

[grunts] All right.
Somebody shut that thing up.

We tried. It just keeps talking.

It's like a single fat lady over 50
who sits next to you on an airplane.

It's called turbulence, b*tch.
Shut the f*ck up.

[recording] I know Charles Barkley.

[grunts] Now, listen, guys.

The steaks are on...

[grunting]

-As I was about to--
-[distorted] ...Charles Barkley.

[grunts]

OK, boys.

[distorted] Steaks... Steaks...

Steaks...

Steaks... Steaks...

-g*dd*mn! f*ck this Barry's Steakhouse!
-Steaks... Steaks... Steaks...

-f*cking sh*t!
-Steak! Steak--

[recording stops]

[sighs] All right, boys. Let me focus.

Let's get our heads straight.
We got a big game.

I can sit here and give you a big speech
about how, if we dig deep enough,

we can come back
and win this f*cking game.

How, if we start playing for each other,

we can crawl back into this, inch by inch,
second by second, play by play.

But the truth is,
I can't say any of that right now

'cause I can't get past how big
of a f*cking as*h*le my f*cking dad is!

Can you believe it?

That prick sold me out in my own gym.

He's so sure we're gonna lose,

he's willing to risk what must be
20 f*cking cows' worth of steak.

I hate my dad!

I always hated him!

I hate him so f*cking much,
I can't f*cking think.

I don't like my dad either, Coach.

He's always criticizing my choices.

He's like,
"Butter covered in sugar isn't a meal."

Oh, yeah? Then why do I eat it,
like, three times a day?

That's bullshit, DJ.

I love your curves,
and so should your dad.

And he's judging you?
He's a fat f*ck himself.

Thank you, sir.

My dad keeps telling me to stop giving
lit firecrackers to my baby sister

and tellin' her it's candy,

but I'm all like, "Get off my jock, Pops.
It's comedy."

I'm sorry, Timebomb.
Your dad's wrong. That is funny.

Thanks, Coach dog.

I hate my dad too.
He cheated on my mom with my babysitter.

Well, to be fair,
your mom has let herself go, Isaac,

but your dad's no hunk either.

They're both really ugly people.

There should be a TV show about you three.

The Uglies. The Three Uglies.

The Three Ugliest People in Lenwood.

Thanks, Coach.

Dads think you gotta like 'em

just because they're your dads,

like they don't have to earn it.

Well, I'm here to say,

"f*ck dads!"

Go, Marcus.

I just gotta say, I love my dad.

He's my best friend and the president
of the Marcus Fan Club.

-Get out.
-What?

Leave. Get the f*ck out.
You're ruining the whole vibe!

Good thing it's Marcus Appreciation Night
at my house tonight.

But you know what, boys?

Tonight, it ends.

Let's play this second half
as if we're not playing Tarver.

[chuckles]

We're not playing Tarver tonight.

Tonight, we're playing
our as*h*le fathers out there,

which is why we're not playin'
in my dad's f*cking jerseys.

Take 'em off!
Everybody, take those f*cking jerseys off.

Now, let's get out there, boys,

and show our as*h*le dads
how the Colts roll!

-[player 1] f*ck our dads.
-[player 2] Dads suck.

-[player 3] Eat our nuts, Dad.
-[player 4] Suck on my scrote, Pops.

[cheering]

Your baby sister Marla
almost lost her pinkies,

and she needs that sh*t.

It's called comedy, stupid.

[dance music playing]

-[cheering]
-[whistle blows]

I don't love your mom.

She was so good to you.

And now Lucy can't babysit for me either.

[cheering]

Ketchup on a doughnut is not a sandwich.

It's a creative take on open-faced,
you piece of sh*t.

Yeah!

I love my dad, but I'm gonna score anyway!

[cheering and applause]

-Time out!
-[whistle blows]

Guys, that is one hell of a comeback.

You're playing your asses off out there.

We're only down by one.

We are one basket away
from making my as*h*le dad

buy this whole f*cking town steaks!

Listen up.

Who here hates their dad the most?

Besides Brian.

Besides DJ.

Besides Isaac.

No, none of you.

Matty, raise your hand, please.
This play's for you.

Uh, I don't hate my dad, Coach.

[chuckles lightly] I barely even know him.

You know, before he abandoned me,
most of my memories with him were fun.

There was a time he let me sleep
in a car for the whole summer,

the time he taught me
how to eat raw chicken,

or the time he lost me
in a hand of pai gow poker

at a warehouse casino
to a couple of Chinese gangsters.

Holy sh*t, Matty.

It's cool. The gangsters
didn't want me either. [laughs]

In fact, they got in this funny argument
where they were like, "We don't want him."

And my dad was like,
"I don't want him either."

And everybody's like,
"We don't want him."

He's like, "I don't want him."

And then my dad was forced
to take me back,

and he was all pissed and sh*t,

and then I don't remember anything
for, like, the next 18 months.

Oh... wait.

I guess I am having a breakthrough,
aren't I?

I do hate my dad.

A lot.

OK, Matty.
We're gonna get into that way later,

but for now,
you're right where I need you.

We're gonna run a pick-and-roll,
and we're gonna get you open, Matty, OK?

Will do.

That's great stuff
about your dad not wanting you.

Tap into that.

[all chanting] Colts! Colts! Colts!

Do it, Matty!

Dunk it!

I never wanted to have a kid.

f*ck you, Dad.

[buzzer]

[over PA] And the Colts win!

Steaks for everyone
from Hopkins Steakhouse.

[laughing] Oh, wow!

That son of a b*tch did it.

We f*cking did it!

We won!

Matty f*cking dunked!

Yes! [laughs]

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Holy f*ck!

It's boiling hot!

What the f*ck, you idiots?

Well, we couldn't find the Gatorade.

Sorry! We panicked
and grabbed the hot tea.

Why the f*ck do we have hot tea
in the f*cking gym, you dopes?

Holy sh*t! That is burning my a*s.

It's like a river of lava.

[patrons murmuring]

Ugh, here we go.

[grunting] There's something to help.
Let me balance this real quick.

So, Dad, you're probably gonna think twice
before betting against your own son, huh?

Well, it was the logical choice,

given your history of staggering failure
at every opportunity,

but... [clears throat]

...I am impressed that you won.

I'm just not happy about it

because we're literally losing
thousands of dollars as a family.

Thanks, Dad. That means a lot to me.

Hey, you know what? There's something
I kind of wanna say to you, Dad.

Yeah? What's that, Ace?

Like the porn star said at the g*ng bang,

"Keep the meat coming."

You saying this f*cking twat is my dad?

Who the f*ck is this little sh*t?

Remember when you had sex
with Tina Fitzsimmons?

Well, this little miracle happened.

Tina Fitzsimmons?

If this is my f*cking dad,
I'd rather drown.

I'd rather be told a sack of sh*t
was my dad over this bloated f*ck.

Who the f*ck you calling a bloated f*ck,
you little bloated f*ck?

Oh, my God!

[laughing] Oh, my God!

I have a grandbaby!

[laughing] This is...

Thank you, God.

I'm your grandpapa.

Eat my d*ck, Grandpapa.

-What'd he say?
-[laughs]

Pretty f*cking good.

You guys are such idiots.

There's no way this kid is mine.

Are you serious?
He's exactly like you, Ben.

I didn't get Tina Fitzsimmons
f*cking pregnant!

I couldn't have. I never had sex with her.

So you were lying.

Yeah, I was f*cking lying.

I knew it!

See, told you this d*ck hole
wasn't my dad.

My mom made it very clear to me

that my dad's an astronaut businessman
doing deals on the moon.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
these cigs ain't gonna smoke themselves.

Gunnar out. [grunts]

Well, after a day like this,

who wouldn't want a nice cigarette
and a different father?

Well, Ben, looks like,
after all these years,

we finally caught you in a lie.

You know what? You did.

I promise from now on,

I'll be completely honest
with the guy that's f*cking my wife.

Oh my God! I think that little boy
is trying to take a sh*t on Barry's car!

No! No! No! No!

Not my Mercury Cougar!

[door slams]

♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪

♪ And that is where I'll die ♪

♪ I hope it's soon ♪

♪ 'Cause I presume ♪

♪ It's all a waste of time ♪