04x04 - Lost Dogs and Bar Flies

[bunniefuu]

[DOGS BARKING]

What do we got?

[SPY MUSIC PLAYS]

Lost dog's been wandering
the marshland all night.

Every time we
approach it, it goes further

into the wetlands.

Well, this place floods
when the tide comes in,

so we gotta move quick.

I don't think your toy's big
enough to pick up a collie.

My unmanned aerial
vehicle is not for the dog.

It's for the bait.
And my shirtless beach runs.

Bro, that's hickory smoked.

[FRANK] Oh, should work perfectly, then.

That's why you always bring a backup.

[FRANK] Let's roll... or fly.

Just when I think you
can't get any more badass.

[SPY MUSIC PLAYS]

[DOG WHINES]

[LAUGHS] Hey, you
just sausage slapped him!

Let's keep those words, in that order,

outta the report.

Ooh, he liked it. He's following it.

Come on, buddy, take a little nibble

of Frank's dangling meat.

Good lord.

[FRANK] Just a little further.

Come on.

[DOG BARKS]

[GASPS] Yes!

[SHRED] Yay!

[GROWLING]

Oh... Yeah. Come on, buddy.

Good boy.

Mission accomplished.

Rough landing, but next time...

[VICTORIA] Ooh.

Well, he died a hero.

Moment of silence, please.

Oh.

[VOCALIZING]

Top o' the morning, Frank.

- [DOG BARKS]
- Ahh!

You remember my best friend, Hopper?

Yeah, you mean your best
dog friend [CHUCKLES].

Why is he in the truck?

Well, they're banning
dogs from my building.

I mean, I guess they
already were banned,

and then my idiot neighbor
ratted us out after Hopper

gnawed on her kid's stroller.

Yeah, well, that's something

a human best friend would never do.

I would move, but Doc Whiskers
just really loves my apartment.

And, you know cats, they hate change.

That's why I can't ever
shave my beard, so...

Hopper's gotta leave.

Yeah, well, I'm sure
he'll find a great home.

Probably not one with
children or a diverse mailman.

I've also seen him be weird to women.

I'm making him the precinct dog.

- He's just like his old man.
- [HOPPER BARKS]

Born leader, full head
of hair, opinionated.

He doesn't seem thrilled
that I'm in the truck, Frank.

Again, like his old man.

[HOPPER BARKS]

[SHRED] Yeah, have
you cleared this with Emily?

[FRANK] I called her this morning

but she didn't pick up.

Oh! Uh-uh, hi.

- You're here early.
- Mm-hmm.

And... I'm here late.

I forgot we were supposed
to walk this morning.

I went alone. Like a loser.
It was so embarrassing.

I mean, it was really nice to do a walk

that wasn't of shame, but still.

And you bailed on coffee last week.

- What is happening?
- Um...

Well, I... I do have a little secret.

So, I guess I'll tell you.

Um...

I started to golf.

- What? Golfing?
- Yeah.

But you hate sports.

Well, I think what it was is I...

I hadn't found the right sport.

But now I have, and it's golf.

And my coach says
I'm a natural, actually.

And his-his name's Javie.

Is Javie cute?

Yeah.

Oh... really?

Wow. Dish.

Like, did something happen with Javie?

Yeah, we made, we made...
we made love to-together.

- No, you didn't.
- Big time.

There is no way that you made love

with your golf instructor,
Javie, and didn't tell me.

You're hiding something.

Okay, technically, we did not

fully sleep together, but we did

do a lot of serious parking lot stuff.

Time for the morning meeting.
Frank's got a crazy dog.

[BARKING]

So the new snake tongs will arrive on...

- [BARKING]
- Oh, uh...

The snake tongs will be arriving here,

- uh, next Wednesd...
- [HOPPER BARKS]

Boss, you want me to put down that dog?

Hey! Come on, he's a talker.

He was already talking
dangerously close to my groin.

Frank, what's the plan here?

I think we can all agree
that morale at the precinct

is at an all-time low.

- No, it's not.
- What we need...

- [HOPPER BARKING]
- is a precinct dog.

Nothing makes people
happier than a mascot,

and Hopper will give us
something to believe in.

And mascots don't
usually foam at the mouth.

I called you this
morning to get the okay

- but you didn't answer.
- Oh, yeah, because she was golfing.

Uh, no. No need for the quote marks.

I was on the links.

- [HOPPER BARKING]
- Yeah, Frank, this is...

this is unsustainable.

He just needs to learn everyone's scent.

Folks, your back door is
like a name tag for a dog, so...

line up and bend over.

Nope. Nobody do that.
Um, okay, we are so close

to finishing this meeting.

[ROMAN] What, what!

Party people in the house.

Cherise, these are the
people who love to partay.

Guys, this is my intimate gal pal.

- Cherise.
- Salut.

Welcome, Cherise.

And Roman, so nice
to see you here for...

for, um, for why?

I brought m'lady, French,

here to show off all
my philanthropic efforts.

The kennels that I built,
the murals that I painted,

and the cans of pears I
left behind in the kitchen.

Management only, Shrek.

You only have me for two more hours.

Oh. Okay, plea... what
did, what did we say?

- Oop.
- [HOPPER BARKS]

Wow!

Who is this little friendly fellow?

This is Hopper. I know he
can seem a little aggressive,

but he loves surprise kisses,
so get your face in there.

Well, that kinda behavior's

is reflective of poor ownership.

[BARKING]

Oops.

Okay, meeting adjourned.
Meeting adjourned.

[HOPPER BARKING]

Frank, the dog has got to go.

Hey, guys. Guys.

I got a bite on your flip house.

- What?
- Cool! Who's biting?

Her name's Rebecca.

It's a cash offer.

But she is coming in 25 under asking.

- Under?
- [SHRED] Hey.

This thing's been on the market
for ages, that's pretty good.

- Thank you, Bettany.
- It's great.

But I'm wondering if maybe
we should tag me into the deal.

Um...

Um? [LAUGHS]

I'm a closer, baby.

Especially since I read
that FBI negotiator's book.

Turns out there are
a lot of similarities

between selling a house and
freeing a Somalian hostage.

- What?
- Quick sidebar with my man.

Yeah?

- What?
- Hey, so we don't

- have any other offers.
- That's true.

So I think what we
should be saying right now

is stuff like, thank you so much.

Also, what kinda cookies do you like?

'Cause we're gonna bake you some.

- Yeah. No, you're right.
- Okay.

- Bettany, we appreciate you.
- Mm-hmm.

And in fact, if there's
anything you need from us,

you just let us know.

- I'm good.
- [SHRED] By the way...

What is your favorite cookie?

Aww, you wanna bake me something sweet?

- Yeah
- We'd love to.

You can bake in a 10 percent commission.

We were talking about cookies.

[FRANK] Don't you worry,
buddy. We'll figure something out.

But for now, it's not so bad.

There's no scary people

coming around the corner to startle you.

All the used tennis
ba*ls you can dream of.

[HOPPER WHINES]

Hup. Nope. Done. We're
not doing this. Come on.

We already saw this wall of giant dogs.

- [HOPPER BARKS]
- [FRANK] Hopper!

Hopper. Hopper!

Please stop. Hopper!

You are so powerful.

There's no way that word

means the same thing
in your native language.

- You like that, Cherie baby?
- Oui.

Don't use my dog in your foreplay.

There is good in this dog.

But he's in the wrong environment.

I assume you live very much
alone in a sad one-bedroom?

Would a sad one-bedroom
have a burgundy accent wall

in its kitchen/living room?

Burgundy is a trigger color
for most dogs and most people.

You're wearing burgundy.

I can sense when a dog is not thriving.

It's a working-class
breed. It needs space,

and stimulation.

- And I know just the spot.
- You're gonna say your house?

I'm gonna say my mansion.

Which is a limited time offer

that expires in five...

Pass. Hopper's exactly where he belongs.

Oh, really? 'Cause he just
left you 10 seconds ago.

[EMILY SCREAMS]

- Eat the yogurt, not the lady!
- [EMILY WHINES]

[SHRED] Live and
active cultures for you.

Just eat the yogurt!

What are you doing? He's
not supposed to eat that.

What happens next time this is a child?

Or worse.

A famous person.

You need to give me the dog.

Frank, clearly his snaps are magic.

[SHRED] And they do
seem to have a rapport.

You're just jealous because
Hopper asks nothing of me

and I give him everything.

You two have a level of
intimacy that I'm a little bit

jealous of, but I really
do think it's the best thing

for Hopper and for all of us.

Yeah, could somebody maybe help me down?

'Cause I think my vertigo is kicking in.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[ROMAN] Cherise! Not
where Hopper can see.

Sorry, man.

I know that was tough.

You... wanna grab a
beer and talk about it?

I would, but everyone's
already gone home.

Okay, I know you're joking, but that...

really hurt.

With the movie White
Chicks, you have to remember

that it's a product of its time.

[TV PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]

Where's the remote?

[GROANS]

[SAD MUSIC PLAYS]

[DOC WHISKERS GROWLS AND HISSES]

Okay, Doc.

You won the battle, no
need to dance on his grave.

I feel like it's only a
matter of time before

Victoria finds out about us.

I mean, she is kind of relentless.

I have to ask. Why golf?

I don't know. I panicked.

I mean, what else do
people do in the mornings?

Last week before work

you swam, you did yoga,
you went to physical therapy.

Yeah, but those are
real and I needed a lie.

- [SHRED] Hmm.
- [PHONE RINGS]

Oh. Frank's calling.

Probably a butt dial, but just in case.

- Frank?
- Hey.

What are you doing right
now? You wanna grab a beer?

Uh.

Like, together?

Don't be weird.

Yes. The answer's
yes. I will be right there.

You just drop a pin and
I'm on the way. Okay?

[CALL ENDS]

- It's happening.
- Wh...

Frank wants to hang out outside of work.

[ENGINE REVS]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Okay.

I'm sorry, I have to drop you off.

I need to go home and change tops.

Okay... yeah.

I don't know that I've ever
heard you refer to it as a top.

- [QUIETLY SQUEALING]
- [PHONE RINGS]

Oh, Frank's calling me now.

Okay. No, that's definitely his butt.

- [EMILY] Hey, Frank.
- Hey. What are you doing?

I'm at the golf pro shop.

- [WHISPERS] Why?
- [WHISPERS] I don't know.

Oh, s-sure.

I'll see you there.

I guess I'm coming to your drinks.

- Oh.
- Oh, hey. I'm-I'm sorry.

It's fine.

It's just, if this seems
like it's heading towards

a bro sleepover, I'm gonna
need you to be cool and bail.

[BETTANY] It's morning.

You come downstairs
and the smell of coffee

permeates your new home.

I love coffee.

That is a very generous offer.

Thank you. I'll call you back.

That's the Saudis.

They're taking a very
aggressive position.

This is Patel. He's one of the owners.

Hi. Amit Patel.

Rakishly handsome face
from the sign on the yard.

[BETTANY AND PATEL FAKE LAUGH]

Will you excuse us for a second?

So good to meet you.

There are no Saudis.
That was a fake offer move.

I told you, I've got this.

I really see myself here.

You know what? I could see you here too.

Although I could also see
three Saudis sharing shakshuka

over in the breakfast nook.

What's their offer?

Ten thou over asking.

But you could match that and...

we could close this
thing right here, right now.

Okay, let's do it.

R-really?

[LAUGHS] Great.

Glad I was here to land this plane.

Oh, yay! You made it.

When Frank called, I said,

"Don't forget Shred,
he would love this".

That's not true.

That-that can't be how it happened.

Emily! Wow.

Boss outside of work.

What a... very fun.

I invited her even though
she banished my dog

from the precinct, sending
me into a crushing depression.

Do you wanna know what's really cool

about this place that I picked?

It has a golf simulator.

What? No, it doesn't.

It does, in the other room. Yeah.

I want to see that
swing of yours, girlfriend.

Uh, totally.

Um, but, you know, tonight's
about our friend, Frank,

so we should just be there for him.

Don't let my spiral suspend any mirth.

Go. Fake golf.

Honestly, you ladies
are kinda killin' the vibe.

- [VICTORIA] Okay.
- It's okay, it's what happens

when you get bigger groups together.

[VICTORIA] Come on.

Now it's just us.

[GRUNTS] Frank and Beans.

What, you gave yourself Beans?

I actually started with Beans.



Pre-pandemic.

You're getting a great deal.

House down the street
is asking the same price.

And those dopes,

they don't even have a basement.

I actually don't need a basement.

It's a flood risk.

Uh, yeah. But, you know, it's Seattle.

It barely rains here.

Not to mention, you know,
it's really far from the freeway,

so the commute to
work... [SCOFFS] hellish.

I work from home.

Oh.

Before I sign, I think maybe I should

look at that other house.

[BETTANY] Other house?

I was gone for less than a minute.

Okay...

Did you wanna pick a club?

Yeah, yeah.

I like to survey the terrain first.

You look so at home here.

Yeah, that's...

I know.

That's an interesting way to grip it.

Yeah, that's what Javie said too.

But, you know, he
wasn't complaining, so...

Wow.

You are off the rails. Swing.

Jesus, take the club.

- Oh!
- [SIMULATOR VOICE] Good swing.

[NOTIFICATION ALERT]

[ROMAN] Yes! Home at last.

Who's a good boy?

Well...

Hopper looks pretty happy.

Celebratory shots?

Yeah! Yeah.

And then after that, we'll
go use the photo booth.

[LAUGHS] I'll photoshop you in.

Meet me in the bathroom.

Victoria is all over
me like a bloodhound.

I can't keep lying.

Well, it just sounds like
things are gettin' away

from you a little bit, so
maybe just call it a night.

Will you just stop trying
to be alone with Frank?

It's getting very weird and
we need an actual plan.

Gotcha!

Are you two hooking up?

Is that why you've been acting so weird?

[BOTH] No...

That-that... that would,
that would be insane.

- That'd be nuts.
- No, I... I have, I have Javie.

- So...
- Yeah.

Who's... wait, who's Javie?

Babe, that's my golf instructor.

- I told you...
- You just called him babe!

No... damn it.

Okay, yes. We are hooking up.

But I think it's, like, more than that.

- Wait. Really?
- Right?

I mean, I do too, but
wasn't sure how you felt.

[FAINT SINGING]

Okay. I'm sorry. It sounds like Frank

is having a karaoke breakdown out there.

- Is it okay if I just... please.
- Yeah. Yeah. Just... yeah.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't tell anyone.

Yeah, but I'm not anyone.

At least I thought I wasn't.

Just one more thing, 'cause
I need you to know this.

You ruined golf for me.

♪ Sometimes... everybody cries. ♪

♪ Everybody hur... ♪

Okay. Okay! Okay.

♪ Sometimes... ♪

Give it up for Frank, everybody.

Such a soulful performance.
Right? Thank you.

[WEAK APPLAUSE]

You were doing so good.

It was the video.

I just miss him so much.

And more than that,
I feel like I failed him.

He's... a perfect dog.

[MAN] Next up, we got
Frank S. Tears in heaven.

Okay. I can't stand
to see you like this.

I definitely can't take
another song. So...

as much as it pains me to say it,

maybe you should think
about going to get Hopper back.

Do I ask myself why it's
Hopper you love instead of me?

- Yeah.
- You comin'?

Oh, we're going now.

Why are his doors wide open?

[MUFFLED YELLING]

[MUFFLED YELL]

[MUFFLED YELL]

[FRANK] Hopper!

Hey.

You okay?

This is a Taken situation.

They took Hopper.

They probably already got him
dancing on some sheikh's yacht.

Cherise?!

Did they take her?
Did they take Cherise?

No. She did it!

She cleaned me out!

Hopper bolted when she
was carrying out my 4K TV.

He's probably looking for me!

I'm such an idiot! I took
a shower this morning.

My musk is weak, so I gotta...

Should I call the
police? I'll call the police.

No, we can't get the police involved

in me and Cherise's situation.

I can't believe you lost my dog.

- What?
- Here, let me help.

- [TAPE RIPS]
- Ahhh!

I can't believe I sold
someone else's house.

- I blew it!
- She's just looking, okay?

Just stay positive.

You know, I think of myself
as this hotshot entrepreneur

who can make any deal happen.

Now I'm wondering,
maybe I'm terrible at this.

Okay, look, don't take
this the wrong way.

I'm preparing to be offended.

You're not as smart
as you think you are.

I was ready for it and it still hurt.

Look, I'm not calling you a dummy.

I'm just saying you don't
always know what's better.

I had your house sold.

No. You did. I'm sorry.

Okay. Accepted.

[PHONE CHIMES]

She's going with the
other house, isn't she?

- Yup.
- Oh...

Give me that bottle.

Ahh.

It's empty! You stole my
commission and my buzz?

Yeah, I think I'm
gonna need a ride home.

No. You riding the bus, dummy.

Hopper!

Where are you?

Daddy's sorry he abandoned you!

Cherise!

I just wanna talk.

I forgive you.

I think you're letting
her off a little easy, man.

[DISPATCH] All available
trucks, there is a Malinois

pacing the outer guardrail
of the Cherry Creek Bridge.

That's Hopper. Uh,
t-tell him not to jump.

[DISPATCH] The dog
does not have a radio.

Yeah, Truck 12 responding.
We're on the way right now.

Do you wanna do karaoke?

They have Jock Jams, your favorite.

Look, I'm sorry. Okay?

I really wanted to tell you, I just...

there's been so much
scrutiny on me with the merger.

No, enough about the bloody merger.

We added 10 people.
We are not uniting careers.

You're right, I should've told you.

How long has it been going on?

About... two months.

Two m... two months?

That's not some hookup.
You are in a relationship.

No, we haven't had
that conversation yet.

But he did ask me about
my Christmas wish list,

so maybe we are?

You two have had a crush
on each other for, like, ever.

The sex must be amazing.

Or really bad. Is it really bad?

Disappointing, maybe.

I'm excited for you.

I am, I am.

This is incredible news.

- I know.
- That you withheld from me.

Because you don't trust me.

- I totally trust you.
- Do you?

Because I tell you everything.

Like that time that
I went to the club...

and I bought my own drinks.

Mm-hmm.

Would it make you feel
better if I told you something

that I've never admitted to anyone?

It would depend on how juicy it is.

It's a ripe peach in a hot car.

Okay. I'm ready.

So you know Terrence
who delivers the cat food?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay. Well...

I sent him a nude.

Okay. It was an accident.

It was an accident!

I was taking practice shots.

- And I...
- Wait. No, go back.

- No. What?
- Practice shots.

These aren't for anyone specific.

It was last year, I was single,
and I needed to create a library

to pull from should the
opportunity present itself.

- Of course.
- So...

So, why Terrence?

I was sending him a work email,

and I accidentally attached it.

And now things are super awkward.

- [WHISPERS] Oh my god.
- Mm-hmm.

That is really good.

But to earn my full forgiveness,

I need one more thing.

Okay.

I'm not sending you the picture.

Yeah. I'm gonna get it from Terrence.

No you're not. No you're not.

Hopper!

- Come!
- [HOPPER BARKS]

Come, boy!

Hopper. Oh.

Hi. Hey, boy.

- How you doing?
- [PHONE CHIMES]

Is that Cherise?

Is she trying to get a hold of me?

Dude, she's gone. Okay?

Oh, man.

The sale of my house just fell through.

Oh, boy.

Everything's going to crap.

Pal, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine

all the horrors you
saw at Roman's haunted

dollhouse mansion.

Kicking a man while he's down, F'Shaw?

And lest you forget,
you're not permitted to have

a dog in your one-bedroom
depression hut.

We'll figure out something.

At my community garden there's a shed.

No. I can't allow you
to rest your angry head

on bags of fertilizer.

I may have a better option.

It's morning.

You come downstairs
and the smell of coffee

permeates your new home.

Frank, you love coffee.

It's the perfect rental for you.

You guys are selling
to the wrong person.

It's this guy you gotta close.

Oh.

Huh. I guess all cats
want is a big window.

Where do I sign?

Why are you so quiet?

He's not allowed to talk.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello, Roman.

Let me guess, your
girlfriend stole your signed

Coyote Ugly cast photo?

Nah, it's just my passport.

Nothing important.

But I'm calling for Hopper.
Can you put him on?

Oh, no, no. I get it.
You miss him already.

Just put him on.

[HOPPER URINATES]

You taught my dog to pee on command?

[LAUGHS] Yes, I did.

And you'll never guess the command word.

Let's just say

it's a word you'll have
a hard time letting go.

[GROANS] Why did I trust that idiot?

[HOPPER URINATES]

It's idiot.

[HOPPER URINATES]

Ah, it's my favorite word. I'm screwed.