Welcome to Divorce
Support Circle.
TEJ: So your best friend
stole your husband,
and now they're both
living in your house.
Karma will get them.
But revenge, that's real.
An eye for an eye.
Get them out of my house.
I get my little revenge.
Shouldn't you all get yours?
-Whose ex is up next?
-ALL: To revenge!
Tell me, Emily, how exactly did
your little healing circle
turn you into a k*ller?
[dramatic music]
ROSA: We found blood traces
from where the body
was recovered.
DNA matches yours.
As I said previously,
this is voluntary
and you're free
to leave at any time.
Do you understand?
So tell me, Calum, how is it
that your DNA wound up
at a crime scene?
Again.
[rapid knocking at door]
Calum, stop that!
Why haven't you
answered my calls?
-You're upsetting Bella.
-Do you think I'm stupid?
Do you really want me
to answer that question?
She's not even home,
she's at one of f*cking
four million after school clubs
you pack her off to.
There's nothing wrong
with becoming accomplished.
No, but there is with lying.
I told you the talent show
was a genuine mistake.
I got it mixed up
with the swimming gala.
-I know what you're doing.
-Oh, really?
All right, what's my
evil plan, Calum?
You hate that she
still loves me,
that she enjoys hanging with me.
Oh, Callie, that's adorable.
-"Oh, Callie, that's adorable."
-Mature.
Look, I'm here to tell you
that it's not gonna work.
I've taken weekend shifts,
so come September,
I'll have a decent home
ready for her.
All right?
-Oh.
-Oh, what?
Well, has your solicitor
not told you?
About what?
Look, joint custody seemed
like a good idea at first,
but it's just not practical.
Bella needs stability.
One home.
So I'm going for sole custody.
♪
[voice echoes] Teaching kids
like Bella every day,
I know what they need.
♪
I'm just doing what's best
for my daughter, Calum.
[dramatic music]
♪
[cassette player clicking,
big band music plays]
MALCOLM: Please,
put your hands together!
[laughter and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Trust Casino!
-Oh, wow.
-Oh, yeah!
Now, each of you gets
Thank you.
To bid on a whole range
of scenarios.
But sometimes the brain needs
a little trick
to process things.
And that's where
a little fun comes in.
Guys, how much trust do you
think you deserve from others?
-Hmm?
-f*ck it!
None of this is gonna help!
It's bullshit!
How is any of this
gonna help me keep Bella?
f*ck you, Elvis!
This is great, Calum!
-Let it all out, mate!
-f*ck off!
It's all part of the process!
[door slams closed]
-You okay?
-CALUM: Yeah.
-I'm sorry.
-Don't even think about it.
No.
I was out of order.
It's just my ex, she's, um...
she's turning my kid against me.
There's nothing
I can do about it.
So messed up.
They always try
and get the kids on side
so they don't feel
like the villains.
That what your ex did?
We didn't have any kids.
CALUM: She's made Bella
her bestie.
She's making me the bad guy.
It's too much.
She's just a kid.
If you're using a child
as a shield,
you're not fighting for custody.
You're fighting for revenge.
Calum, I'm happy
to bankroll it for ya.
You said you don't
even hate your ex.
Fair point.
Well, I've lost all my friends.
None of them want me around,
because I just remind them
that marriages can end.
Look, I really like this.
I know all I bring to the table
is money and a big mouth, but...
Look, I really need your help.
I just want Bella
to have both her parents.
And if Bex gets her way,
I'll barely exist in her life.
Plus...
she calls John Lewis
"Johnny Lou Lou."
-RITA: God, no.
-That's outrageous.
-Oh, my God.
-That's disgraceful.
Well, that's decided.
Nail the b*tch.
EMILY: Game on.
Guys, shouldn't we have
some kind
of ex selection process?
You know, just to work out
who gets to go next?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Pains me to say it.
-Kosher Kardashian's right.
-Can you stop calling me that?
We do need a fair process
to decide who's next.
♪
Beer Mats of Reckoning.
-Emily.
-Okay.
♪
Calum.
♪
STEVE: Right.
Let's get your daughter back.
Thanks, guys.
STEVE: Tomorrow, 10:00 a.m.,
we plan the sh*t out of this.
[phone chimes]
♪
-Bit nippy tonight.
-Feels all right.
-Oh, well, you know best.
-I'm sorry.
Can we just...
What happened on the roof?
-Yeah, I mean, what was that?
-I don't know.
You ran off
before we could talk.
You should've seen
your face after.
I mean, you shouldn't have
started it
-if you didn't want to...
-I started it?
You came to see me.
Yeah, to thank you,
not kiss you.
Oh, right.
That's how it is.
You just use men when you need
a bit of comfort.
What, am I like
a hot water bottle with lips?
-I'm sorry, what was that?
-I don't know, all right?
Just... you can't just come
to somebody's work
-like that and then...
-Okay, fine.
-Next time I won't thank you.
-I'm not saying that.
-Did I say that?
-Oh, right.
-So you do want me to kiss you?
-No! f*ck no!
-Do you want me to?
-No.
-Good.
-f*ck no.
-Good, good.
-Good, that's great.
Are we just f*cked now?
Are we just, like,
damaged goods?
I don't know.
Just...
Just grabbing moments where we
can pretend that we're not.
I don't mind pretending.
[rock music]
♪
Whoa!
♪ We don't even need a plan
♪ Nonstop, taking off
♪ Cut my head, chop it off
♪ Heartbeat, kitchen sink
♪ What you thought?
What you think? ♪
♪ All day off my face
♪ Yeah, I know
the perfect place ♪
-[Calum grunting]
-[Emily breathing heavily]
♪ I wanna go
CALUM: Ow!
♪ I wanna go
♪
♪ I wanna go
♪ I wanna go
♪ I wanna go ♪
[Calum shuddering]
[lighter flicking]
-Can I ask you something?
-Yeah.
What the f*ck is
with this lighter?
Does that annoy you?
It annoys everyone.
It's cheesy.
I stopped smoking
when Bella was born.
First I just kept it around
to remind me of that.
Now that I can't see her
every day... I don't know.
Just... holding it reminds me
that I'm still her dad.
And not to do anything stupid.
Not to do anything stupid?
-Mm-hmm.
-How's that going for you?
Not great.
[chuckles]
So here's a mad idea.
Would you wanna go
on an actual date...
[Emily snorts]
With me?
[both laugh]
How old are you, 12?
The thing is...
your life's properly tragic...
whichever angle you look at it.
But don't worry,
it's not all that bad.
Because, um...
You're honest.
And... you're,
um... kind.
Keep going.
Irritatingly funny.
And you smell nice.
[both chuckle]
Is that a yes?
Mm-hmm.
ALEX: So why
corporate law PR?
You've not done it before.
Well... making billionaires
seem human?
It's a noble cause.
ALEX: Where do you see yourself
in five years?
Making better decisions
than my last five years.
[soft tense music]
♪
[tablet ticks]
♪
f*ck!
Right, mission parameters.
We got to get dirt on Bex
before the custody hearing.
Look, just enough
to get me joint custody.
I don't want to destroy her.
And you're gonna have
your work cut out.
I mean, she's squeaky clean.
I never heard her fart once.
I'm not even sure she does.
RACHEL: We could put drugs
in her locker.
I mean, they did it
on Sunset Beach,
One Tree Hill, The O.C.
No, no, no, no drugs.
Too risky.
Besides, with
the GCSEs coming up,
she's practically living
in that classroom.
Exam time.
Teachers are under pressure
to get good results.
Might do something stupid,
like...
get their hands
on the papers early.
Planting stolen exam papers?
It feels a bit crap,
to be honest.
No, actually, that's good.
Your solicitor
could argue that if Bex
is willing to lie
and cheat at work,
how can she be trusted
as a parent?
What values is
she teaching Bella?
Not so crap now.
RITA: That could shake
the ground enough
to make joint custody
realistic, no?
All right.
But if stealing exam papers
was that easy,
I mean, wouldn't everyone do it?
Oh, please.
They do.
Every year.
Teachers, students,
even schools.
Government just doesn't
want you to know about it.
-What?
-Back me up here, Rita.
Wake up, love.
Then how do we get one
of their staff out
for a couple of days
and slip one of us in?
I'm a records clerk.
We can sneak someone in,
get them to put the papers
in Bex's locker.
It's easy.
Except we don't have any papers.
I can do it.
[tense music]
I know people.
RACHEL: Yeah, okay, sure.
'Cause hacking a school system
is the exact same as,
what, changing your mate's
Netflix password?
♪
-Challenge accepted.
-[knuckles cracking]
STEVE: Rach, you'll be
our operative
-at Bex's school.
-RACHEL: Copy that.
TEJ: I'll help Rita sort out
whatever I.D. you need.
But first, we need to find
the right teacher...
and remove her.
Abi Tofton.
General Learning Support.
Cat mom.
Prosecco enthusiast.
Competition addict.
Loves luxury spas.
Gotcha.
-Rachel?
-RACHEL: Yes?
Are you happy to pay for an
all-expenses luxury spa trip?
-With you?
-No.
For our lucky
competition winner.
♪
[phone chimes and beeps]
♪
TEJ: Rita, make it happen.
-Rachel?
-RACHEL: Yes, copy.
You'll be Miss Lavington.
Year nine supply teacher.
-RACHEL: Copy that.
-STEVE: Right, listen up.
I'm gonna teach you
how to pick a lock.
Squeeze the tool
into the tiny crevice.
-Trying.
-Feel it, Rachel.
-Feel it.
-[gasps] It clicked!
Yes, Rachel!
Told ya!
Quarter turn, click it.
St. Eadric's School.
Go get 'em, girl.
RACHEL: Copy that.
♪
-[bell rings]
-TEJ: Okay, Rachel, listen up.
Checked for weakness,
breach, and method.
Sorry, I don't speak Hackanese.
Find the orange stairs.
They should be past the canteen.
That will lead up
to the staff room.
You go into the staff room,
go to the computer,
type in exactly what I sent you,
-exactly the way I sent it.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, every letter,
every symbol.
You call up the papers.
Print at break.
Simple.
-You sure this is gonna work?
-It will work.
If we'd printed it off-site...
red flag.
But since it's coming from
the school system,
it should be fine.
Remember, first floor,
room 10, green door.
Yes, I'm looking.
Do not f*ck this up.
Yeah, well, that's easy
for you to say,
sitting behind a desk. It's me
with my a*s on the line.
This has taken hours
and hours of planning.
RACHEL: Okay, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
Do you understand
they're counting on us?
I found the orange stairs.
Shame we can't find your brain.
f*ck you, Tej.
Do you know what?
You think being smart
makes people like you.
Well, it doesn't.
'Cause underneath it all,
you're just a sad, lonely,
pathetic little worm.
[feedback blares]
-BEX: You okay?
-[chatter over earpiece]
TEJ: Lavington has gone rogue.
I repeat.
Lavington has gone rogue!
Oh, that's my audio book.
Thanks.
Oh, I, uh...
I love your shoes.
I actually saw them myself
last week in...
in Johnny Lou Lou.
-That's what I call it too.
-No.
-Yes.
-You, um...
You couldn't show me
the staff room, could you?
Oh, sure, Miss, um...
-Miss Lavington?
-Yep, supply teacher.
-I'm Bex.
-Oh, "Bex"?
-Lovely name.
-Thank you.
Lovely name, lovely shoes.
[both laugh]
♪
[man slurps drink]
♪
Aww.
Sorry.
♪
[mouthing silently]
Please, please,
please, please...
Come on, come on, come on.
[computer beeps]
[gasps]
[computer chimes]
[printer whirring, buzzing]
[whispers]
Come on.
♪
Miss Lavington.
[mouthing silently]
[printer beeps]
ZAC: Hey, get, get to class!
Get to class, quick!
[children laughing]
[children screaming, laughing]
-Settle down! Settle...
-[mouthing silently]
Settle down!
Good morning, year nine.
This is Miss Lavington.
She'll be taking care
of you today.
Okay?
Over to you.
-Good luck.
-Thank you.
Right.
Now, you're...
You're all doing excellent work.
So just...
keep it up.
[children laughing]
Okay, eyes down.
Thank you.
Actually know any maths,
Miss Lavington?
Miss, Miss!
Is the linear equation
always a function
or are there exceptions?
Okay.
[bell rings]
♪
[chair creaks]
[exhales]
[doors slam in distance,
children chattering]
[lock clicks]
♪
[exhales]
RUDGE: Miss Lavington!
Just wanted to say thank you.
You were a real lifesaver today.
My pleasure.
After Miss Tofton
suddenly came down
with acute histamine
intolerance syndrome.
Oh... hmm.
Mm-hmm.
-Where do you usually teach?
-Me?
Um... Walmesden High.
Oh, really?
My wife teaches there too.
-Ah!
-[chuckles]
-Oh!
-I'll tell her I saw you.
Well, look, thanks again.
Hope we see you back here soon.
Thank you, Mr. Rudge.
♪
[computer chiming] - TEJ:
Steve, she pulled it off.
Yes!
Good girl.
Miss Lavington was a star.
[phone chimes]
She's done it.
f*ck.
-f*ck indeed.
-All the f*ck.
-Then some.
-f*ck.
Okay, so tomorrow, the head
gets an anonymous tip and...
boom.
You really think he'll buy it
that she actually stole
the papers?
I don't see how he wouldn't.
Oh, my God.
Is it weird that I'm starting
to feel guilty?
Yeah, that passes.
Really?
See you at 7:00.
-Thanks for the lift.
-7:00 sharp.
Thanks for coming.
This homework's
doing her head in.
If she wants me here,
I'll be here.
Bella!
Your dad's here!
Come on, Mrs. Henderson needs
that Tudor village by tomorrow.
BELLA: I don't need his help!
[door slams closed]
You sure, darling?
Bella never asked
for me, did she?
You just want her project
to get an "A."
-No.
-Unbelievable.
I thought it might be
a nice chance...
It's bad enough
that you mess with my head.
Oh, please, why would I mess
with your one remaining
brain cell?
Playing us like puppets
in your wee doll's house.
Oh, someone learned a metaphor.
Lying to our daughter.
Making her hate me.
For Christ's sake, Calum.
Of course she hates you.
-She's 11.
-You turned her against me!
-w*nk*r!
-Monster!
-Do us all a favor and die!
-BELLA: Stop!
-Bella.
-It's not fair!
Why can't it be
like it used to be?
We're sorry!
BEX: Bella, love,
we're sorry, all right?
Bella!
[indistinct background chatter]
[phones chiming]
CALUM: Ahh!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
BELLA: Mode, mode, mode, mode.
You said you were going first.
It's not just the quickest one.
It's as quick as you go.
-Well, well.
-No, you can't.
Fake.
Look at her.
Kate.
Mark.
Mark.
Pear.
I can't believe you were
married to Mr. Smoothie.
Yeah, well, don't be fooled.
Jack ponces around
like Lord Sugar with muscles,
but he's got the business
brains of a flip-flop.
You know the amount of times
my dad's had to bail him out?
You could launch
a rocket to the moon.
Wow.
Dan used to chug down
his protein drinks.
No idea he branched into booze.
Yeah, nor me till yesterday.
I mean, these days,
we only talk through lawyers.
Honestly, Rachel,
you're amazing.
Yeah.
Ginny gin.
I mean, the way
you pull that off.
Oh, do you know,
Emily, I'm still
buzzing like a bloody rabbit.
Do you think Steve's hot?
Objectively handsome?
Yeah.
And Tej, my God, what is he
doing in that restaurant?
Should be working
at MI-f*cking-5.
He is one annoying little twat.
Oh, I think he's just going
through some stuff.
Yeah, well, who isn't?
Got to get ready
to meet the girls.
That was nice.
Yeah, it was.
Look, I know that you think
I'm the devil,
but I really did get
those dates mixed up.
Yeah.
What happened to us?
Who's that woman
you were with earlier?
Just a friend.
Might have been just
a teeny bit jealous.
Well, Mum's coming over
in a bit to look after Bella.
Unless you'd rather
stay with her?
I can't.
Um, there's something
I have to do.
Steve, meet me at the school.
We've got a situation.
Thanks, mate.
I owe you one.
It's Rachel.
She c*ck up.
She left the papers
in the wrong desk.
Really?
Quiet in.
Quiet out.
No mess.
No drama.
f*ck!
First floor.
Room 10.
Green door.
All the way down.
All the way.
Spanish.
Yeah.
This is the one.
All right.
You keep watch.
-L'chaim.
-L'chaim. [laughs]
What you did for Calum
was incredible.
You know what?
I actually really enjoyed it.
Yeah, it's just really nice
not being me.
-That's really sad.
-Yeah, I know.
You know, I might have
a thing for Calum.
It's nothing anyway, not really.
And he stood me up anyway, so...
could you not tell the others?
Yeah, of course.
As in, I...
I can keep a secret.
Even though Jack's always on
at me for running my big mouth.
I thought we hadn't
spoken in months.
Oh, my God.
That's Bex!
That's Calum's Bex
with the headmaster!
Phones!
No!
Zoom in!
This is really going for it.
I'm gonna zoom in, you zoom in.
He is married, that dirty,
rotten scoundrel.
Cheers, mate.
Owe you one.
I know Rachel
didn't mess this up.
Those exam papers are still
in your bag, aren't they?
Sorry.
I just felt too guilty.
I've been shot in the leg.
I cracked four ribs
in a Humvee rollover.
I've spent a night in a ditch
in Hellmane Province
with dengue fever.
But... nothing hurts
like lonely.
Nothing.
I'm so sorry about tonight.
Oh, don't be.
I had a great night.
I'm about to leave.
Let me finish.
Intriguing.
When Bella was born, I swore
she'd have what I didn't.
A real family.
A home with two parents.
And if there's even
a chance, any chance,
of giving her that,
then I have to try.
I have to get my family back.
Because being her dad comes
first before anything else.
So...
I have to stop this.
I really don't want to hurt you.
And it's complicated with Bex.
I know it is.
But... that's my life.
My real life.
Okay?
And I owe it to Bella
to be the kind of man
who's going to stand up.
-Calum.
-No, but just listen to me.
Because I know what it means now
to be a proper dad.
To have a family.
-To be a husband.
-Calum.
Give her everything
she deserves.
Your wife's f*cking
the headmaster.
Oh, my God, will you stop that?
Sore head.
Good night, was it?
Just sh**ting the girls.
Where'd you go to?
Well, I'm not sure that's
any of your business.
I want joint custody.
I told you that's
not going to happen.
Monroe Bar, right?
That's, uh...
Mr. Rudge.
He's a sloppy kisser.
Tell you that much.
You had me followed.
Joint custody.
Or the Board of Governors
gets a front row seat.
I'm sure the local diocese
will be particularly interested
in what a certain married
Mr. Rudge gets up to
on a school night of all nights.
-No, Calum, you can't just...
-Joint custody.
You can't just drop that on me.
I need, uh, time to think.
You've got until tomorrow.
Calum, that's...
That's not...
There's not enough time.
Calum!
Charlie, it's me.
-Hello?
-Hello, Emily.
It's Alex Clark
from Whittaker Loans.
Yeah, hi.
Hi.
We'd like to offer you the job.
Uh, thank you.
That's amazing news.
Quite frankly,
I thought I'd repelled you.
Honestly, it was a no-brainer
after Dan put you forward.
-Sorry, Dan who?
-Dan Marshall.
He's been working
on our new website.
He said you're a total PR whiz
who could spin
any disaster
into a front page trial.
Mm-hmm.
You set me up on
a pity interview, you cretin!
Do you think this makes
everything okay?
It just wipes your guilt away.
f*ck, Dan!
Have you and Charlotte
been laughing about me
-behind my back?
-It wasn't a pity interview,
not in any way, shape, or form.
When are you going
to stop humiliating me
when there's nothing left?
When you've rinsed me
of every...
No, sorry, no,
I'm not having this.
I will always be more sorry
than you can possibly imagine
for what I did to you.
Has that changed the fact that
you're brilliant at your job?
I am brilliant at my job,
Dan, yes.
Yes, you are brilliant
at your job.
Remember Lin and Maroshkin's
son, the hit and run?
-Yeah.
-He still sends me
Christmas gifts, really f*cking
good ones, actually.
Yeah.
And let's not forget,
Ray's ready.
Jimmy the Blade, Dan.
He's from Cheshire,
not Mockney Wick.
Oh, my God, you're so annoying.
Hate me.
I deserve it,
but you do not deserve
to lose out on this job.
Okay, Ems.
I need to go, okay?
Hm.
Who was that, babe?
Oh, the estate agent.
Uh, no bites yet.
-Hi.
-Hey.
So I...
I think I knackered it
when I yanked it out,
you know, when I was
saying all that stuff.
Can you fix it?
Obviously.
Well, that's good.
Also, I just...
I wanted to say that I'm sorry.
I was a b*tch.
And it wasn't about you.
I just get like that
when I'm stressed.
Sorry, too.
My daughter.
A year ago.
She was born sleeping.
Tej.
She's beautiful.
Yeah.
Yeah, I really am sorry.
I'm sorry you're lonely.
At least we have the club.
Yeah. Yeah.
Good shabbos.
You forgot to tap up Parentpay.
Oh, sorry, babe.
I'll do that for you.
Oh, yeah. I found your slider.
Thanks, Joshy.
Total sweetheart.
Oh, listen, kids. By the way,
Grandma's not coming tonight.
Her back's still playing up.
Oh, wow.
Here's my beautiful wife.
Hello, darling, how are you?
-Where's dinner?
-It'll be about ten minutes.
Great. Sit down. I'm starving.
Thank you very much.
Kids, there's no gadgets
at the table, please.
Come on, put them away.
Underneath the table.
[chuckles]
[whispers] Good girl.
I like the shirt, Joshy.
How are you?
How was your day?
-Good, good, yeah.
-Good?
-Mm-hmm.
-Lovely. This looks amazing.
Go on, Lula.
[exhaling deeply]
Dad!
You all right?
Yep.
You okay?
Come on, madam.
I'm going to be late.
Well?
You show the governors
your sordid little video.
Like the sad creep
that you've become.
Charlie's leaving his wife.
He was going to wait
till the end of the year
to do it, but he got
headhunted last week.
International school.
Barcelona.
Whoa. Barcelona?
When?
Soon.
Take me to court.
See if they care.
Or... see if you can afford it.
Loser.
Calum.
We found blood traces
from where the body
was recovered.
DNA matches yours.
Mate, the reason we were
able to identify you
was because your DNA
was already in our system.
Michelle Kavanagh.
You were with her
the night she died.
What is this?
I came in here of more than
free will to help this investigation.
Yeah.
-I'm leaving.
-We're not finished, Calum.
If you had anything credible
to charge me with,
you'd have done it by now.
They never did find
her body, did they?
You have no idea what you're
talking about.
[exhales deeply] Still carrying
that guilt around?
-Shut your f*cking mouth!
-All right.
This interview is over.
Time to leave.
-Come on, I'll show you out.
-I'll show myself out.
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