YOUNG CLARA: Wait!
Sing Happy Birthday first.
WOMAN 1: Wait, wait
for Nana. Wait for Nana.
YOUNG CLARA: Wait!
(BLOWS CANDLE)
-Yay!
-Yay!
I am the funniest person on earth
So I've been told a 100 times
And I'm the preetiest
(LAUGHS)
Good morning, universe.
This is Sydney reporting
in from your mom's house.
This is my best friend, Clara.
CLARA: Sydney broke up with Liam!
I broke up with Liam this morning.
f*ck relationships, you
only need your best friend.
How does...
-Oh, sweet, you're...
-Oh, sweet, you're...
I am the wittiest human today
I've heard it all a million times
SYDNEY: Aw, look at buddy Charles.
Yay!
Yes!
Or so they say
#SYDNEY: Oh wait, that's
cute, that's cute, that's cute.
#Literally k*lling it.
CLARA: You look great.
SYDNEY: Yay!
(CLARA SCREAMS)
Senior year is done, b*tches!
Car crash on the pass
Sam, let's go. We're running late.
(COUGHS)
Ew, are you sick?
(COUGHS) No.
I'm just trying to catch my breath.
-Okay, well...
-Can you get the f*ck off me?
I'm trying to open... I'm just trying
to open the window, so you
don't get germs everywhere.
Sam, let's go.
Why do we have zero sense of urgency?
(WHEELS WHIRRING)
(TRUNK SHUTS)
-Holy sh*t!
-Holy sh*t!
(LAUGH)
That scared the sh*t out of me.
I want you to fight back
I'll play along
(CLARA CHUCKLING)
-Okay, okay, I got another one.
-Okay.
Would you rather live
inside someone's stomach
for the rest of your life
or inside someone's liver?
-Stomach.
-Liver.
(TOGETHER) What?
No, no, no, no, no.
I feel like a stomach would be disgusting.
Okay, what would you do?
Like sit on a chunk of food all day?
It would be like a
f*cking wave pool in there.
(CHUCKLES) I love wave pools.
Wave pools are lit.
Are you having fun?
I'm having the best time, are you?
(YAWNS)
Uh, yeah, no, I mean, I'm
having a really good time
personally, but like,
I didn't wanna have a
really good time and like,
shove it down your throat
if you weren't having a really good time.
That feels kinda rude, so...
I'm having a fun time, I promise.
SYDNEY: Okay, good.
(CHUCKLES)
SAM: Would you rather live in Antarctica
or the depths of hell?
Antarctica!
No, I was gonna say the depths of hell.
I literally don't wanna hear it from you.
I love Antarctica.
I wanna go so bad.
Have a great time with that.
CLARA: You seriously wouldn't go with me
even if I really wanted you to?
Yeah, no, probably not.
You're such a d*ck.
(LAUGHS)
It's your turn, go.
Um, okay.
Would you rather
have toe-length fingers...
(LAUGHS)
Or finger-length toes?
(LAUGHS)
Why are you laughing?
I don't know, that's
such a weird thing to...
Your bladder is winning zero awards today.
Like absolutely none.
Shut up.(CLARA LAUGHING)
Oh, you like us.
-Kinda.
Oh please, you're gonna
miss us when we're gone.
SAM: When do you go to college?
In like a month, I think.
How do you not know the date?
Like, I feel like my
moving countdown is like,
ingrained in my brain at this point.
And I still don't have a roommate.
(CHUCKLES) Dude, just
pick someone and go random.
It doesn't matter.
I mean, I had a call with a girl last week
and she seemed like fine, I guess.
But then like, after we got
on, she just started sneezing.
What's the problem with that?
The problem with that is
that she didn't stop sneezing.
Okay.
What if she had a disease
or like a chronic illness, Sydney?
Oh my God, Clara, you are so dramatic.
She didn't have a disease,
she didn't have a chronic illness.
You really don't know that.
She was just... just sneezing.
She didn't even vampire.
And it was gross.
She's not gonna be the only one
who hasn't found someone
else. Just keep looking.
Everyone seems weird.
I hate to break it to you,
but we're really weird.
No, we aren't.
SAM: Yes, you are.
She knows what's up.
Someday, Alice
You'll come around and realize
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Thinking about you every night
(THUD)
-(GASPS, SCREAMS)
I'm so sorry, but I didn't see you.
MASCOT: Hey!
Drive carefully unless you
want a furry foot up your a*s!
(BACKGROUND CHATTER)
Hey, I'm sorry I hit the dude.
It's fine. Everyone hates him.
A few years back, he got in trouble
for rubbing his tail a little too much.
CLARA: Oh.
What?
Anyway, thank you for driving me.
Of course. All right, I'm...
I'm gonna miss you, bestie.
Boo, I thought I was bestie.
Are you still gonna be
home when I come back?
Yeah. No, I'm s... I'm still gonna be home.
I'm not leaving yet.
SAM: Okay.
SYDNEY: All righty. I'll see you soon.
You're gonna have so much fun, okay?
Thanks.
-CLARA: Love you, Sam!
-Bye.
Bye, Syd.
CLARA: I am starving.
SYDNEY: Yeah, I know.
Oh my God.
I would give my left nut
for some chips right now.
You don't have a left nut.
You don't know that.
Uh, why didn't you pack more snacks?
I did. I think Sam ate them all.
Sam!
(PHONE RINGING)
CALLER: (ON PHONE)
Hi. I'm calling from camp.
Yes?
CALLER: (ON PHONE) We still
haven't received a final payment of $200
for Sam, which covers
her food cost, you know.
We're gonna have to
send her home if no one's...
-SYDNEY: f*ck.
-Sorry.
We're coming back now. Sorry.
My mom gave me that money.
I was supposed to give it to
her when she got out of the car.
And where is it now, Sydney?
I don't know.
I think it's probably
at home if it's not like,
in here or something.
Oh my God. You're such a dumb-a*s.
I hate when she puts this sh*t on me, okay?
Like, I love Sam but
this is not my problem.
(CAR WHOOSHES)
Oh. This is not enough money.
I realize that. Um, I just...
Funny story is I...
-Will this work for the rest?
Oh. Yes. Okay.
I'll run this, and I'll
be right back with you.
Clara, you can't do
that. You can't do that.
I already did.
Do you have enough money on that thing?
-I can pay you back.
-Yeah. It's cool, dude.
It's just a...
It's a very good teachable moment
that you need to get
yourself a credit card.
I don't need a credit card.
Sydney, you need a credit card
if you ever want to buy a house.
You have to build a credit score.
I know. I know.
I know. But why?
Do I look like I'm trying
to buy a house right now?
Is that what I look like to you?
WOMAN 2: Okay.
Oh. Thank you so much.
-Thank you.
-WOMAN 2: Drive safe now.
Bye!
CLARA: Hey. Can I drive?
No.
Why don't I ever get to drive?
I didn't say you couldn't
drive. When did I say that?
Can I drive then?
No.
Then I'm not getting in this car.
You think I'm a bad driver.
That's why you don't want me to drive.
No, I just think that you'll stop the car
every time you see a
sign for something stupid.
Did you ever think that
the reason I'm stopping
the car every time I see something stupid
is so we can have a more fun road trip?
No. I actually haven't thought about that,
and I'm gonna like, continue
not thinking about that.
Great. Cool.
I guess we'll have a boring road trip
and we won't do anything fun ever again!
How are you so chill about college?
Like, have you thought about
what you wanna major in?
It's like the rest of our lives.
No, I guess I'm not that
stressed out about it.
How are you not stressed about it?
You seem stressed about it.
No. I just...
I don't know. I don't
think about it really.
How do your parents feel about you leaving?
Could we talk about literally anything else
other than this?
Could we just ignore
college while we're on this trip,
please?
I'm sorry. I didn't wanna
like, stress you out.
It's not a big deal.
Like you're gonna be
home in a couple of months.
-It's easy. It's fun.
-Yeah, dude, I know. I'm just...
I'm f*cking overstimulated. Okay?
Can we just talk about
literally anything else?
Okay. Noted.
CLARA: I feel like I should
probably unfollow Liam.
SYDNEY: Why do you still follow him?
CLARA: I like keeping my tabs on people.
SYDNEY: Ugh. Just the worst.
Oh, I'm f*cking starving!
I can't do this anymore.
I'm going back here. I'm looking for chips.
Ah! I got it.
Really?
Sam left half a bag.
Oh. Hell yeah.
Oh, one for you,
and a crumb for me.
Mm.
Okay. I have a question for you.
Do you think he still thinks about you?
No. It was a year ago.
Like he has to be over it, right?
CLARA: I don't know, dude.
That's pretty hard for a
guy like Liam to get over
something like that.
What?
He is the one who made
you realize you were g*y.
Oh, he wasn't the only reason.
My bad.
I forgot that I was the other one.
SYDNEY: Okay. You know what?
Can you stop? I don't have a crush on you.
Why not?
Because I know way too much about you.
CLARA: Whatever.
I'm offended. (CHUCKLES)
(MUNCHES)
God. What if he didn't move?
Can you imagine what it
would have been like if he stayed
in school?
CLARA: Well, you'll be happy to know
that he's about to be
much farther away from you.
He posted that him and his family
are moving to Japan on Wednesday.
What? Did his dad get
transferred or something?
I don't know. It doesn't say.
Oh, you know what?
I bet he's taking my
f*cking lizard with him.
Oh my God.
Why do you think that
Buddy is more your lizard
even though you shared him equally?
SYDNEY: Because my
debit card purchased him.
This is why you should
be using a credit card.
I'm not trying to buy a
house right now, Clara.
This isn't about trying
to buy a house right now.
This is about trying to
buy a house in the future.
Why do I keep needing to
explain credit scores to you?
What do you want me to do?
You want me to buy a
lizard rights attorney for you?
Would that make you happy?
It'll be expensive, and
it will ruin me financially,
but I will do that for you.(CHUCKLES)
SYDNEY: Yeah, I mean,
can you imagine if I had to like,
call up Liam and be like, "All right.
So the courts have decided
you may only have him
every third weekend."
(CHUCKLES)
And you have to fly, fly him back and forth
-with a little travel companion.
-Oh my God.
And I get him on holidays
like Christmas morning,
he is mine.
And I'm gonna buy him way more presents
than Liam buys him, and... and... and...
And Buddy Charles is gonna
feel so neglected from his father,
and I'm gonna be the favorite parent.
And it's gonna piss the f*ck out of Liam.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah.
Let's go save that lizard.
No.
I'm being serious, dude. Let's go get him.
(SYDNEY SNORTS)
Wait, like go to Idaho to get the lizard?
CLARA: This is not just any lizard!
This is Buddy f*cking Charles, okay?
He is iconic.
Bro, my mom would k*ll us.
Okay, there's no way
that she would even notice
and you know it.
Come on, Syd, please.
Let's do it for Buddy Charles.
I mean, it's tempting but like, it's 3:00
and we don't have gas.
We don't have money.
Don't you worry about
that, because I have a plan.
Are you sure you got this?
Oh, absolutely. She's gonna be into me.
She doesn't look g*y.
She's working on a car,
dude. She's absolutely g*y.
She has straight hair.
You know the rule:
Straight hair, straight girl.
That is not how that works.
Nah, I'm pretty sure that's how that works.
-Is it?
-CLARA: Yeah.
Are you sure we can't
just use your credit card?
CLARA: No, it has a limit.
A what?
A limit that you set each
month, you can't go over.
I thought it was unlimited.
No, my mom set a limit
and then I spent it all
on your sister.
SYDNEY: Wait, your mom set the limit?
CLARA: Yeah.
Oh, so have her change the limit.
That's not how that works.
You have to build more
credit to be able to use more.
Give me your hoops.
They look straight as f*ck.
What?
Come on. No one wears hoops anymore.
Okay, you didn't have to dig in further.
You already said it the first time.
CLARA: Ready?
But the credit card.
Think about all the points and prizes
like you were just explaining.
You could buy a house.
CLARA: Okay, we'll
go over all of that later.
-CLARA: Go and get...
-You could get so many...
Okay.
Hi.
Hi. Can I help you?
Yeah, actually you can.
Um, my friend and I
seem to have like really
underestimated how much
gas we thought we would need.
We need gas.
(CHUCKLES)
Do you have money?
SYDNEY: Money.
Yeah, that's... that's what's really funny
is we actually don't have enough money.
Then you can't get gas.
I mean, are you sure about that?
Is there something wrong with your eye?
CLARA: So did it work?
Obviously not, Clara, unless
the gas magically pumped itself.
-Oh my God, you got rejected.
-I did not.
Yeah, you literally did.
That's so f*cking funny.
(LAUGHS)
Shut up, okay. What are we even doing?
We don't know where Liam lives.
Oh, please. I found his address.
How did you do that?
Well, while you were in
there, I went on his Instagram,
went to his tagged photos
which is how I found out
all of his new friends.
One of them tagged his new high school,
so I called them, pretended to be his mom,
requested his transcript and
the address was at the top.
How the f*ck did you do all of that?
Do you know that his house
sold on Zillow for $1.3 million?
It's f*cking wild.
Why do you need to know that?
To see if he can afford a
better lizard rights attorney
than you.
Okay. What are we even doing?
Oh, we're going to Liam.
Yeah, but like I'm tired.
Like it's getting late-ish.
I wanna go to bed.
Okay. Where do you wanna sleep?
Home. Like what is the point of this?
What? This is f*cking hanging out, Sydney.
Okay.
Plus, like Sam's gonna want
Buddy Charles, you know?
She's gonna be lonely when you're gone.
Okay, fine. You know what?
I will humor this.
Lets... Shut up.
Let's just sleep in the
car and we'll just figure out
the money problem in the morning.
See, that seems like a bad
idea because people tend
to get kidnapped when
they sleep in parking lots,
especially small girls,
so we shouldn't do that.
Well, what other options do we have?
Okay, wait. I think I know
someone who lives in Henderson
and I think that we have
enough gas to get there.
Who is it?
You're gonna laugh at me.
I'm not gonna laugh at you.
Why would I laugh at you?
Yes, you are.
SYDNEY: Oh, no.
Okay.
Um, what if I like, promise
not to laugh at you?
Yeah.
Okay. I promise I won't laugh at you.
CLARA: Do you remember
that show when we were little
about the um, the man and the dog
that switched bodies?
Kinda.
You never watched Fido Says Hello?
Remind me what it is.
Okay. It's like... (CHUCKLES)
It's really cute.
It's like, it's about this
dog and this human
-and they're both named Fido.
-SYDNEY: Okay.
And it's like they somehow switch bodies,
so the dog ends up in
the body of his owner.
And I don't know, it was marketed
as like Freaky Friday,
with a little bit of butt sniffing.
-Oh! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
-Yes. Yes.
I know the one. My
mom didn't let me watch it.
She thought it was creepy.
-What?
-Yeah.
-No, it's sweet.
-No, no, no, no, no.
It's like weirdly, oddly sexual
when you start thinking about it
a little harder.
-Okay. Please stop.
Can you get to the point of this?
I know Fido!
You know the dog?
No. I know the man that played Fido.
His name is Phil. He lives in Henderson.
That is where they shot the show.
And you know him because...
Do you remember um, when I was 7
and I got my heart surgery, and I told you
that I was going away for a doctor's visit?
That was actually in my Make-A-Wish.
-Oh, no.
-CLARA: No, I know.
I don't know, okay?
It's just like, recovery
was really, really hard
and I would watch these
episodes over and over again
in the hospital and
there was just something
like really vulnerable about
this dog seeing the world
for the first time through a human's eyes.
Don't you f*cking laugh at me, you b*tch!
You're such a f*cking b*tch!
(LAUGHS)
I just... I thought you would
have had better taste than that,
-you know?
-I was seven!
Yeah, but still, like
that sh*t's really creepy.
CLARA: Okay.
Do you want me to see if
we can crash at Phil's or not?
Uh, I mean, like yeah, sure, why not?
Sounds fun.
Okay.
(SYDNEY CHUCKLES)
He's like really sweet, okay? So be nice.
Okay.
And like, I remember
him being a little attractive,
in a weird way.
Okay.
What the f*ck?
No, no.
It's gonna be fine.
SYDNEY: I thought you said he was on TV.
CLARA: Yeah, back then.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
SYDNEY: Be streaming, you know.
Oh, you showed up to set that day
and I just knew you were special, Clara.
Oh, Phil.
PHIL: You were so tiny.
Like, so just tiny.
For you, that's probably so long ago,
but for me it's just recent.
You know? It's...
Say, how's your mom?
Oh, Molly's doing really good.
I remember her. She was a beautiful woman.
You know, I don't know
if this is weird to tell you,
but I think we flirted
a little bit and I think...
But I was going through my hoe era,
'cause I was on TV, so I didn't...
And she was so nice, but
the apple does not fall far
from the tree.
(LAUGHS)
So tell her I say, "What up?"
Hey, what are you up to?
I wanna know what you're up
to. Like, are you going to college?
Like what's...
CLARA: Oh, uh, yeah.
I'm... I'm going to UNC in the fall.
That... that's awesome.
Um, what are you gonna major in there?
I don't know.
Uh, I'm going in undeclared, so...
That's fine. You're gonna...
You're gonna be successful
'cause you're so smart, just beautiful,
and your... your vibes.
Yep, she sure will.
Like you've got the good vibes
that just make people feel good
and you smell nice.
-She will.
Wow. I love that.
Clara, I'm happy that you found Sydney.
Like, you guys are a nice-looking couple,
-a beautiful couple.
-Oh, no. We're not.
-SYDNEY: Yes, we are.
-And I support that.
Um, I'm an ally, by the
way, just so you know.
Um, LGBTQIA.
I thought, always thought A stood for ally,
but maybe it's asexual, which I'm not.
Um, but I march in the Pride parade.
Um, I do it as Fido. I
would do it on all fours.
Very modern. I... I like it.
I love it.
But my best memories is just meeting you.
Like, that was...
'Cause the best thing
was making the kids happy
and I could tell you were happy that day.
And your wish came true.
That was your wish and it was also my wish.
(STOMACH GROWLING)
Wait, sorry. Did you hear that?
That was my tummy. Did you hear?
My tummy was like, "I'm hungry.
It's time to eat."
That... that's my tummy's
sound and I am gonna get us
some pizzas.
You like that?
There's a place, they know who I am,
so I gotta just make a little phone call,
-so just stay comfortable.
-Okay.
Thanks, Phil!
(CHUCKLES)
Look, he is so f*cking weird.
Sydney, don't be mean.
Are you not hearing this man?
He was being weird as sh*t until he thought
you were playing for my team.
You're welcome, by the way.
He is literally buying us pizza.
This place is...
-Okay, he's nice, he's nice.
This place is f*cking disgusting.
At least he's letting us sleep in his bed.
Yeah, that he probably came all over.
-Sydney!
-What?
He looks like a perv
and he talks like a pervert.
Can you not for just like
once judge a book by its cover
the second that you meet it?
I'm sorry, but when the cover
of the book looks like this,
I have absolutely no interest
in reading the f*cking book.
(SHUSHES)
Pizza pie's ordered.
My ex hated it when I did my Italian voice
cultural appropriation or some sh*t, but...
I should get some nappies
to keep our lippies clean.
Yeah, I'm working on my
rizz, short for charisma.
Yeah, I'm up with it. I know it's cool.
Rizz.
I love having company.
Whoo!
You're so cute. You're... oh my...
Is that weird, 'cause I knew
you when you were little?
Like... like if we ever got married,
people would say I was grooming.
I'm like, "No, I haven't
seen her in 10 years."
If you want anything to drink, I mean...
SYDNEY: Uh-uh.
I... I know you're not 21,
but I don't... I won't tell.
Well, actually you're driving. Nevermind.
Shh. Don't tell.
(SHUSHES)
-Okay, I get it now.
-Uh-huh.
22 more minutes.
SYDNEY: Perfect.
CLARA: Okay.
(INSECTS CHIRPING IN DISTANCE)
Oh my God, my dog is gone
Hello? Oh, hi, guys.
I'm Fido and this is my best friend Fido.
We're both named Fido.
The pizza pie has arrived.
(ON TV) Today, we're
talking about my favorite word,
loyalty.
I wish my dad knew that word.
That's just a joke for your parents.
So do you just like watch
yourself on TV for fun?
Yeah, it's a good show.
I mean, we lasted five
seasons for a reason.
Being loyal is a great
trait for your best friend.
Isn't that right, Fido?
Like, these lessons are
good, like even for adults.
Yeah, for sure.
You know, like a lot of adults actually,
they get high and
they watch this and it's...
-Oh.
-Oh no, it's happening again.
(MIMICS BARKING)
PHIL: Yeah.
Sometimes I actually dream
from the perspective of Fido.
It's like he's a part of me still.
Wow.
(MIMICS BARKING, SNIFFING)
Wow, okay, Phil. That's okay, you can stop.
(MIMICS BARKING)
Okay, that's... You can stop now, Phil.
That was really good.
That was pre... really good, right?
Yeah.
And you were looking at the TV and here.
(CHUCKLES) Oh my God, that.
Did... did you see that?
Do you want me to rewind?
Oh my...
This is just so nice.
CLARA: Mm-hmm.
PHIL: Hmm. Yeah.
Try... take some, this pizza's fire.
I love that you see the best in people.
Yeah, I don't know if it's my best trait.
I mean, you called that one pretty fast.
Yeah, it was like really obvious.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I probably would've been
m*rder*d if it weren't for you.
We make a good team.
Hey, I mean at least
we're not sleeping in a car.
Might've been a better idea.
(CHUCKLES)
SYDNEY: I don't know.
This has been a fun night.
It was uh, an experience for sure.
Yeah, it'll make a good story.
Okay.
I take back the fun night thing.
This actually like sucks.
Goodnight, Sydney, I love you.
You're a star, who cares about Hollywood?
You're a star.
Sometimes all you
have to do is just listen.
We don't know what
someone else is going through.
Oh, hey. You okay?
Sorry, I couldn't sleep.
That... that's okay. Just have a seat, come.
The stars are nice right now.
Hey, are you okay?
I... I don't know.
No. Hm.
You could talk to me, just think of me
as your old pal, Fido.
(MIMICS BARKING)
(LAUGHS)
My heart is failing again.
Some tears you cry
Some tears are from the wine
Does she know?
Oh.
Are... are you gonna tell her?
The middle of the night
When things aren't black and white
Enter, Troubadour
Remember 24?
And when I'm back in Chicago, I feel it
Bye, Phil, it's been real f*cking weird.
-Bye, Phil, thanks.
-Wait, wait.
Um, I have something for you.
Um...
What is this?
It's just something for your travels and...
Dude, I'm gonna miss you, too.
Hm.
PHIL: You too, Sydney.
SYDNEY: Uh-huh.
You're the dog's bone. Never forget that.
Wow, that was the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
(MIMICS BARKING)
PHIL: Good luck with Buddy Charles!
Back to the end of beginning
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
CLARA: Dude, there's
enough in here for gas.
SYDNEY: Sick. Okay, I gotta pee.
CLARA: Okay, go to the gas station.
SYDNEY: No, I'm gonna
use the rag in the trunk.
Clara, can you come here for a second?
CLARA: Hey, what's up?
What is that?
I don't know.
Is that Sam's?
I... I don't know. f*ck man, and she's 16.
-I can't picture her like that.
-Me neither.
It's... it can't be hers.
Maybe it's... maybe it's Phil's?
No, it literally can't be, because I know
I locked the car last night.
And that's not your mom's,
because it wasn't in there
when we left LA.
f*ck, what should we do? Should I call her?
I think you need to call your mom, dude.
We can't call my mom, she'll know
we're going to Idaho.
I don't really care.
You can't just pretend
this isn't happening.
Pick up the phone and
call your f*cking mom.
That's not an option, dude.
She wouldn't pick up anyway.
Like I think we just need to leave it
and pretend we didn't see it.
Okay. And what?
If she's dangerous, you
want to just call the police?
Let's wait until we hear from her.
Maybe she's gonna like,
call and give an explanation.
I don't know.
We're like so far from home,
there's not really anything
we can do from out here anyway.
Oh my God.
You have no idea what
you're doing with her.
You are put in charge to take care of her
and you do nothing but
complain the whole way here.
You forget her money.
And now, you're gonna let her
just m*rder all her camp mates!
Okay, I'm not gonna let her
m*rder all her camp mates
if I have the g*n, am I?
Sydney, I need a drink.
You're a child, you can't drink.
I don't specifically need alcohol.
I just need something with flavor
and I need to sit down.
Okay. Do you wanna like go somewhere?
We don't really have money.
We can spare the cash for some Shirley's.
Phil would want us to.
f*ck.
What's up? What do you need?
Whiskey, Scotch, Bourbon?
We got $2 shots till 4:00 p.m.
I'm just messing with y'all. What's wrong?
Sit down. Y'all look like y'all 16.
Yeah, I'm just messing with y'all.
CLARA: To be honest, we're
like really going through it.
If we could just get like two
Shirley Temples on the rocks,
-that would be amazing.
-BARTENDER: All right.
Um, I just wanna let y'all
know if it get crowded in here,
though, I'm gonna
have to ask y'all to leave.
-CLARA: Totally fine.
-Yeah, fair enough.
All right, all right. Hey,
you wanna close out now?
No, we can start a tab.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. You... you can start a tab.
All right. Two Shirley Temples.
-All right.
-CLARA: Thank you.
Oh, thanks.
Dude, I can't think.
Come on, dude. We're
road tripping together.
This is supposed to be fun.
There's still a lot to be
happy about, like me.
Mm.
We're almost there.
Let's just find somewhere to sleep tonight
and then we'll get Buddy in the morning.
-Okay?
-Yeah.
I heard you say Buddy.
Y'all ordered Shirley Temples
and gave me a envelope with $12?
You in protective custody?
How you know Buddy?
Buddy's in Idaho.
BARTENDER: He's in Idaho?
With my ex.
Idaho? How he get to Idaho?
CLARA: We're gonna go rescue him.
What?
Yeah. He got kidnapped.
So, this is a rescue mission.
I can help you. I promise I can help you.
SYDNEY: We're okay.
No, you not. Not if... Buddy!
-You know Buddy?
-Are we...
Huh?
How you know Buddy?
Buddy.
Buddy's a good friend. Family friend.
Been in the family a long time.
I think we're talking
about different Buddies.
Oh, we're... we're not talk...
We're not talking about the same Buddy.
Buddy.
CLARA: Our buddy's a lizard.
Like an iguana?
Eh, kinda.
Like... like a... like...
But like a... like a reptile.
-Like with scales.
-I mean, uh, yeah.
I mean, you could categorize him like that.
Like... (MIMICS LIZARD) -SYDNEY: Yes.
BARTENDER: Uh, let me see a picture.
Okay.
BARTENDER: Oh.
Oh, snap.
I thought you was talking
about a whole another Buddy.
(LAUGHS) Oh, he cute.
-He's so cute.
-BARTENDER: Yeah.
Oh, that's Buddy. So, what happened?
Why does this Buddy... What?
This Buddy is with your boyfriend?
Yeah.
BARTENDER: What? So, he in Idaho?
Nasty, nasty break-up.
So, like y'all broke up and he got Buddy?
Oh. My ex did the same thing to me.
Took everything. That's why I'm here.
Like, I been working here for a few years.
She cleaned me out. I ain't have much.
Like I ain't have a lot, but...
-That is so sad.
-She just took everything.
Like, basically like
the clothes off my back.
That sucks. Hm.
BARTENDER: I'ma make
it, though. I'ma be good.
You know what I'm saying? Like, Desiree.
Desiree her name.
I don't like to talk
about it, though, for real.
It's tough out here.
BARTENDER: Well, cam,
f*ck your ex. f*ck Desiree.
You know what I'm talking...
-f*ck.
You know what? f*ck Desiree.
f*ck Desiree.
f*ck Desiree.
f*ck Desiree.
f*ck Desiree. Yes!
-Yeah!
-Yeah!
f*ck Desiree!
SYDNEY: Okay, cheers to that.
I like y'all. Can I get...
I'ma get me a Shirley Temple.
Yes! Shirleys for everyone!
Shirleys on us! Yeah!
We about to get wasted on Temples.
We only have $12.
You...
I know you're only human
Not much you can do about it
But you know the room is true
No room for two is crowded
I've been ego tripping
Double dipping, double downing
That's the truth Ain't no excuses
Ain't no walking around it
Ugh
We came to f*ck it up
Yeah
You came to change...
-SYDNEY: All your shoes?
-All of 'em.
-CLARA: All of them?
-And I has...
I had a really nice pair of Asics.
-Do you know Asics?
-CLARA: No.
I'm like hipster in that type of way.
Greatest
But your only claim
to fame is hating us
I'm a fashion elite
With the bars of a beast
I got claws in the floor
And a bite in the beat
I'm a shark, you're the meat
When you bark, then I feast
If I'm starting some beef
I just carve, then I eat
Huh
All right. So, Liam.
Bad dude, right?
BARTENDER: Dude, I can't stand him.
He's super h*m*.
Sydney came out as g*y.
And listen, like I
understand. That's hard, right?
-BARTENDER: Yeah.
-You're g*y.
Your boyfriend's like,
"Oh, I didn't know you were g*y."
And then you break up
with him and then he like,
goes on a rampage.
Like destroys a bunch
of sh*t. But like, come on.
Like you should be happy
that someone discovered
themselves, you know what I mean?
Oh my God. You make it sound so g*y.
(SCREAMING)
SYDNEY & CLARA: (TOGETHER)
There was a house in New Orleans
They call the rising sun
- They call the rising sun
And it was a poor boy
And I'm the only one
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
(CHEERING)
-The mother was a tailor
-The mother was a tailor
Ooh, hello.
-She sewed my new blue jeans
-She sewed my new blue jeans
(INDISTINCT SINGING)
SYDNEY: f*ck Desiree
CLARA: I'd rather be g*y
Fu... fu... f*ck Desiree
Listen to what I say
Yeah
f*ck Desiree I'm on the way
I wanna play a game
To get Buddy Charles -Charles
Going through the
desert, get Buddy Charles
-Going through the...
-Hollers at my
Yeah -Lizard's
-Mm-hmm.
-Friend
Lizard uh, friends -Uh, yeah
What color is the
lizard? I don't know, yeah
He's got a blue tongue and a scaly back
Wait, that just made me
remember when we bought him.
He's... he's not... he's not a lizard.
He's a blue-tongued skink.
That's not a lizard?
No, apparently, he's not a lizard.
I actually just remembered this right now.
He's not a lizard.
Oh.
My skink going to...
Dude, dude, slow down. Do you see her?
SYDNEY: Oh, we have
a really long way to go.
I don't wanna stop.
Dude, she's alone.
I don't wanna do this.
Syd, this could be like f*cking CSI.
Please, we could be heroes.
-Fine.
-(SQUEALS) Yes!
BRITTANY: Oh, gee. Hi.
Homeless people just
have it so hard, you guys.
Like, they don't have cars to get places.
They have to hitchhike.
And today, I'm really
trying to live homeless,
because I like using my platform
for good, to make a difference.
And living like this
for the past 45 minutes
has been really, really hard.
'Cause I feel like I have a
much better understanding
of what it means to
like, truly be homeless.
Anyway, I'll check back in later.
Okay, bye.
(CHEWING)
So, uh, what's your name?
My name?
Jennastarxoxo123 2.
I wanted to just be Jennastar,
but they f*cking took it.
So your name's Jenna.
No, my name isn't Jenna.
I thought you guys were
asking about my screen name.
SYDNEY: Oh, we clearly weren't.
BRITTANY: Oh!
You two are so funny.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
No, my name is Brittany, but someone said
that was a bad name for
my channel to be under,
because it makes it seem
like I get naked online.
Right.
SYDNEY: Oh, wow.
So are you like famous?
-Like what's your deal?
-No. No, not at all.
I only have a few hundred
thousand followers.
Thanks for asking.
I consider myself more of a...
A philanthropist than a celebrity.
That's not how you say that word.
Shut up. She's doing fine.
It's been really educational.
Hell yeah, brother.
(GRUNTS)
So, um, what's next?
Where... where can we drop you off?
Oh, no. You can actually drop me wherever.
I just had to get that content recorded.
I'm going to call a car to
get a quickie little lunch break
before I get back on the streets.
Oh, you're going back on the streets?
BRITTANY: Yeah.
(SHRIEKS)
My Erewhon box just got delivered.
Woo-hoo!
Slay.
Slay!
Uh, yeah. We could...
You know, we could probably pull over,
find somewhere for you to get an Uber.
Thank God you guys are girls.
I was so scared I was gonna
get like kidnapped or something.
Clara, how long has this
car been following us?
CLARA: Okay, it's fine.
Just... just pull off to the right.
I'm just gonna speed up a little bit.
(CAR HONKING)
Oh my God! It's happening!
The 'napping of the kids.
We're getting followed.
This is what it's like
living on the streets, folks.
You're seeing it here first.
Make sure to leave a gift under this video,
because 4% of all earnings
are going toward one homeless.
Sydney, go faster!
BRITTANY: It's intense out here.
Who is this f*ck?
Oh my God, it's... it's... He looks scary.
It's a man.
-What if he knows about the g*n?
-The g*n?
How would he know about the g*n?
Excuse me, g*n?
-I don't know.
-Okay, I have a plan.
Everyone relax and just trust me, okay?
He's going for the glove box.
(SCREAMS)
Sydney, do something.
Sydney!
Got me reaching for the line
Hey.
(g*nsh*t)
(SCREAMS)
Why the f*ck, Sydney?
I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it.
I'm so sorry.
(SCREAMS)
Calling the cops.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, f*ck. (PANTS)
Look at me. Look at me!
This isn't your fault.
It is my fault. It's my fault.
We can make it look like a suicide.
SYDNEY: That's not gonna work.
(SCREAMING)
Holy sh*t! He bleeds yellow.
What the f*ck?
Oh, f*ck. We're going to jail.
I'm so sorry. I can call an ambulance.
Why were you f*cking following us?
-You left your phone at the bar.
-What?
You left your phone!
Oh my God.
That makes sense. Thank you.
Thank you so much for the phone.
Sorry about that.
Sorry.
No. No, no, no.
No. No.
I thought you were gonna m*rder us.
This was self-defense.
MAN 1: Oh, come on.
I've been trying to get your attention
-for the last 10 minutes.
-SYDNEY: Attention?
That is not the most
efficient way to get our at ten...
Look, look, look. We're
like really, really sorry.
Could you just like
not call the cops on us?
I'm not gonna call the cops.
You're f*cking crazy.
I'm not gonna call the cops.
Be careful with that thing.
Oh my God.
(PANTING)
Okay.
So maybe like we shouldn't sh**t people
as our first instinct.
No sh*t.
Where's the po-po?
SYDNEY: I don't know what just happened.
Like... it's like... it's like
my instincts took over me.
I was like a g*dd*mn spy out there like...
(MIMICS expl*si*n)
How did we not know it was a paintball g*n?
I don't know.
The f*ck are we gonna do about Brittany?
Dude, I don't think she's
actually calling the cops.
I feel like she was just
being dramatic for content.
(SCREAMS)
You think she was being
dramatic when she thought
that we m*rder*d a man?
-Okay.
f*ck! I feel so stupid.
Yeah, I know. Me, too.
I'm gonna call Sam.
Why? What is she gonna do?
Absolutely nothing, but
we have her paintball g*n.
Okay.
(PHONE DIALING)
SAM: (ON PHONE) Hey, what's up?
Hey. We have your paintball g*n.
SAM: (ON PHONE) I need that.
I have a tournament this week.
Wait, you're in a paintball tournament?
Sam, that's kinda lit.
SAM: (ON PHONE) Can you bring my g*n?
Can we do it tomorrow night?
SAM: (ON PHONE) Can you
get here sooner? I really need it.
No, we're going to Idaho.
SAM: (ON PHONE) For what? Does Mom know?
You guys are idiots.
Oh my God, Sam.
I'm so sorry, but we're
actually breaking up a little bit.
Can you hea...
I'll call you later! Bye!
f*ck, dude. She's gonna tell your mom.
Should we just give her the g*n?
No. We are mid mission right now.
Focus.
And that doesn't take priority?
She's fine.
Why are kids playing with paintball g*ns?
(POLICE SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)
f*cking Brittany, bro.
-It's fine. It's fine.
-Oh my God. Oh my God.
We'll just tell them the truth. It's fine.
Why do you...
-Put your seat belt on.
Why do you do this to me?
We got a call from a girl
claiming she saw two girls,
in a similar car to yours, sh**t a guy.
That is correct, Officer.
We did sh**t a man.
-SYDNEY: No.
-Get out of the car now.
We didn't. That's not what happened.
-Get out.
-I'm sorry.
(SHUSHES)
It was a paintball g*n.
What was that?
SYDNEY: It was a paintball g*n.
It... it's not a real g*n.
Everyone's fine. It was a misunderstanding.
We know the girl. You can...
It's in the trunk, if you
wanna go look at it.
-I panicked.
-Oh my God.
(EXHALES)
COP: I'm gonna need the name
of the guy that owns that g*n.
Where are you going?
Hi, Officer.
What the hell was that?
Oh. (LAUGHS)
My foot just slipped.
COP: I looked up the license
plate. This isn't your car.
It's... it's my mom's car.
Did you get permission
to drive your mommy's car
outta state?
Yes.
I had to bring my sister to camp.
(SIGHS)
All right.
I'll let you guys go.
I'm just gonna write you up
for your uh, getaway just then.
You know, you're lucky I'm nice.
Well, that worked out.
(CAR WHOOSHES)
Would you rather have abnormally large feet
or abnormally large hands?
Feet, obviously. Give me a harder one.
Okay.
Would you rather be broke and happy
or rich and miserable?
Rich and miserable probably.
Okay. Well, that's the wrong answer.
Dude, we need money so bad right now.
Like we need another
tank of gas to get there.
God, okay, my life sucks!
We shouldn't have gotten the Shirleys!
Like I need to stop on the Shirleys!
Don't even say that!
The Shirleys are not the problem here.
And lucky for you, I have another solution
to our money problem,
and it happens to be right down the road.
Oh, that's so exciting!
Are you gonna like wh*re me out again?
You wanna solve this with bingo? Really?
Yes.
Where do you even find this?
Your mom's Facebook.
You still have Facebook?
Yeah. I use it sometimes.(CHUCKLES)
Whatever. Stop doubting my plans.
This is gonna be great.
How many tickets, ladies?
Um, two each is fine, right?
8 bucks.
-You have to pay for these?
-Mm-hmm. 8 bucks.
Cash only.
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
You had that the whole
time? What the f*ck, Clara?
Heck, Clara.
Um, my mom makes me keep $10 cash
in case of emergencies.
-Thanks.
Okay, so no food, no gas, not an emergency.
Bingo, emergency.
I completely spaced...
-Noted.
-About it. I forgot.
-Oh, okay.
(SYDNEY CHUCKLES)
-CLARA: Sorry.
Do you think we have enough cards?
No, I think two each is good.
I'm feeling really good about it.
ANGELA: Hello, everyone, and welcome.
Well, we have some
exciting news this afternoon.
Our first round is
sponsored by our very own
First National Bank.
And to celebrate their 100th anniversary,
they are giving away, drum roll please
$100 cash prize!
We need that cash.
Yeah.
SUSAN: Good luck, sweetheart.
SYDNEY: With what?
SUSAN: Uh, with getting the cash.
Everybody here has been
coming to play bingo here for years.
Oh my God, you're the newbies here.
Ugh.
Sorry.
I thought this was a game of luck.
(CHUCKLES)
What's your names?
Oh, I'm Clara. This is Sydney.
Well, I'm Susan,
and I have a winning streak going.
I have won three weeks
in a row and it's not luck.
It's the dauber technique! Yes!
What's a dauber?
My God.
Silly, silly girl.
I'm feeling lucky tonight
Mm, yeah
Ugh!
-I'm gonna kick her a*s!
-What the hell is a dauber?
She is fully aware she's
being a f*cking b*tch right now.
Like who needs that many bingo cards?
Dude, your sister has texted me
like a hundred times.
She's trying to get a hold of you.
Yeah, she's fine.
She probably just wants
to go home or something.
No, call her back.
-No.
-Why?
Because we're in f*cking Nevada,
and I have old ladies to f*ck up.
Really try to word that differently.
Hm. Let's go.
(TONGUE FLICKING)
SUSAN: Oh, you girls
have been gone a while.
(CHUCKLES)
Nervous?
No, we aren't nervous one bit, Susan.
Best of luck this afternoon, everyone.
Daubers up.
Oh. This is a dauber.
Here we go. Round one.
Let's begin.
Let us begin.
(CHUCKLES)
Shush up.
B-11. Legs 11.
G-54. G-54 out the door.
O-74. We're so poor.
-You got that one.
I got that one!
You got that one. Nice!
SUSAN: Can you please repeat that?
I couldn't hear for all the ruckus.
Can you two shut your traps?
Aw. I'm really sorry, Susan.
Your hearing A*DS can't keep up.
SUSAN: Oh, yeah.
That's because your
voices are so high-pitched
and irritating
that they can't even pick up the frequency!
O-73. O-73, where are thee?
I-22. Double ducks, 22.
G-51. Twink of the thumb, 51.
O-64.64 red raw, 64.
Bingo! I got a bingo!
ANGELA: Bring it up here then.(CHUCKLES)
Bingo! Yeah!
Bingo!
-It's bingo.
-Woo!
They're lying.
This innocent child?
SUSAN: They cheated.
They distracted me and they stole my card.
Oh, come on.
Last week you complained
we avoided your numbers.
I... I think you're the boy
who cried wolf, Susan.
You know what? I've had it.
I have had all this.
After all these years
of doing these things.
Here, take your card and shove 'em.
You know what to do with them.
'Cause you wanna know something?
I'm the winner.
I have always been the winner here.
Every time I come, I
win and you're all jealous!
So everybody, go screw yourself.
I am gonna win all the time.
(BACKGROUND CHATTER)
Congratulations.
Thank you so much. Bingo!
(CHUCKLES)
ANGELA: A bingo.
I'm feeling lucky tonight
Yeah
Bro, Susan is crazy.
Yeah, well, you did steal her bingo card.
She can't do anything about it.
Yeah, they know what's up
I don't talk sh*t
Well, she definitely
did something about it.
She's insane.
Suck it, juice bags.
CLARA: Juice bags?
What a b*tch.
Hey, dude, we can't drive like this.
How are we gonna get it off?
I mean, they probably have rags inside.
CLARA: Wanna play another game?
SYDNEY: Hmm, sure.
This sh*t's really on there.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, well, whose fault is that?
Not mine. I'm a child.
She shouldn't have reacted like that.
Teeth on the dash
Got my heart in your hands
Okay, yeah.
I'm sitting pretty
I make you want me
Okay.(EXHALES)
I am a guard in my room when I'm home
I'm gonna miss you, dumb-a*s.
I'm gonna miss you, too,
but it's like three months.
It's gonna go by fast.
Yeah, I know.
You okay?
Yeah.
I do have um, kind of a big life update
to share with you though.
Oh.(CHUCKLES)
Um, it's... it's really f*cking stupid.
Um, I... I've decided I'm not gonna go
to college anymore.
What? When did you decide that?
Oh, just like a while ago.
Why didn't you tell me?
Clara, why didn't you tell me that?
Dude, what is going on?
I'm sick again.
What?
Um, I haven't been feeling very good
and like my memory's been
fuzzy and my rhythm's been
all out of whack, so we went to the doctor
and my heart is failing again.
Well, that's... that's not possible.
That's...
Um, I don't know, dude.
I guess the surgery I got when I was a kid
was supposed to be a fix, but
um, there's an arrhythmia now
and they can't seem to get a handle on it,
so they put me on the transplant list.
So, you'll... you'll get a transplant
and then you'll be fine, right?
Maybe.
Um, there's like a
lot of scar tissue, so
they're preparing me
for worst-case scenario.
Why can't they just like fix your heart?
It's just not how it works.
Can't they call another doctor?
Like can you try somebody else?
No, my mom has tried every
cardiologist she could find.
CLARA: I'm sorry.
(CLARA SOBBING)
Why did you lie to me?
What? Sydney, I didn't lie to you.
You didn't tell me.
No. Dude, you can't be
mad at me for this right now.
No, I just... I would have
liked to have known.
You know, you're not the
only person that this affects.
-Why are you yelling at me?
-I'm not yelling at you.
(SOBS)
I'm sorry.
You have no idea how much I hate
that I'm putting you through this.
I love you.
I love you, too.
How long have you known?
Since February.
February?
Clara, are you f*cking kidding me?
I'm sorry, I didn't want
everything to change.
Why did you keep...
No, why did you keep
this from me for so long?
I didn't want you to
look at me differently!
Woah, look...
Okay. I... I'm so...
I can't, I can't, I'm sorry.
No, where are you going?
SYDNEY: I just... I need
to go sleep in the church.
(SOBS)
If I know it's not right
Do I stay just tonight
Because I couldn't fight it
Even if I tried
So I pick up the phone
But you haven't called
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
Until you come home
f*ck my life!
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, hello.
MOLLY: (ON PHONE) Hi,
bug. How's the trip going?
Oh, you know.
MOLLY: (ON PHONE) Oh,
baby. You finally told her?
Yep. She's pretty pissed off, mom.
I feel like I should've told her sooner.
MOLLY: (ON PHONE) The river's
gonna flow even if you stand in the way,
so why not flow with it?
Mom, what?
Are you gonna call the cops?
PRIEST: Do you need me to?
Uh, are you guys okay?
I mean, yeah, we're fine,
other than her f*cking heart defect.
PRIEST: Oh, I'm sorry.
My mom went through heart surgery twice.
Have you ever heard the
saying, "Through every dark night,
there's a bright day after?"
Is that the Bible?
Tupac.
(CHUCKLES)
Is she doing better now?
I like to think so.
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
Am I driving?
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
(COUGHS)
Have you just been hiding
those from me the whole time?
Yep.
Okay.
(GULPS)
Are you only letting me
drive, because you feel bad
for throwing a major b*tch
fit and storming off last night?
Yes, that is correct.
Okay.
Well, that was fun while it lasted.
Yeah.
(DOORS SHUTS)
(DOORS SHUTS)
Are you mad at me?
No, I'm not mad at you.
I was just waiting for you
to do something wrong,
so I could take my spot back.
You're a f*cking b*tch.
It's lizard day.
It's lizard liberation day.
(CHUCKLES) See, it
smells like sh*t in here.
-Yeah, that's us, dumb-a*s.
-Okay.
Water and a lime
Lemon into wine and drink
Oh, darling, I just walk
around the hollowness I feel
Ugh, I'm bored.
Talk to me.
I don't know what to talk about.
Well, come up with something.
I'm dying. You talk.
Okay, geez.
I don't know, um
what do you think about me going to college
or not?
Dude, you've been talking
about college since we were 10.
Please just go to college.
I'm serious, you don't
have to worry about me.
CLARA: Is that his car?
I have no idea.
How do you wanna do this?
I think we need to sneak inside.
No, 'cause what if he's in
there with Buddy Charles
and then...
We have to start throwing grenades
and then the police get
called and it becomes a whole...
Oh, sh*t!
Maybe he isn't home.
I don't see another car.
No, there could definitely
be another one in the garage.
We just need to get inside.
What's your problem,
'cause it never ends
I thought that you
were coming round again
-It's the kitchen.
-Any sign of Buddy Charles?
Negative. Let's move.
It's the dining room. No
sign of Buddy Charles.
Let's keep moving.
Good work.
Yeah, you too. What do we do now?
I think I'm just gonna go
knock on the front door.
What, do you think he's just
gonna hand you the lizard?
God, no.
What is the plan then?
The plan is that you'll figure it out
while I distract him.
-Listen, Sydney, no.
No, you got this, you
got this, you got this.
-Sydney!
-You got this.
(INHALES) Oh, God.
Hi.
(CHUCKLES) Hey.
Uh, you... you're in Idaho?
Yeah.
Cool. Um, how'd you know I live here?
That's a really good question.
Super glad you asked that.
Um, I'm... I'm actually friends
with your mom on the internet
and she posted...
-Yeah, that makes sense.
-Yeah, right?
LIAM: Yeah. Why you here?
Um, yeah, so I just... I don't know,
I figured we could like, I don't know,
catch up a little, hang out.
Yeah. I mean...
-SYDNEY: Yeah.
You know, especially
since we never got to talk
after you decided that you were a l*sbian.
(CHUCKLES)
I didn't decide I was a l*sbian, Liam.
We've talked about this.
Okay. Well, you at least decided to pretend
-that you were straight, so...
-I didn't know if I was g*y.
LIAM: How could you not know you were g*y?
We were having sex.
Were... were... were you faking it?
Obviously.
Yeah.
Huh.
-That means you're g*y.
-No.
It actually just means
you're bad with women.
(ARGUING IN BACKGROUND)
Okay. Door was unlocked.
Doesn't count as breaking and entering
if the door is unlocked.
f*ck.
God. Okay, you are so insufferable.
Like, this is why we broke up.
Just admit it.
You're still into me.
I'm not attracted to you, Liam.
LIAM: You are.
(CHUCKLES)
I can tell.
(ARGUING IN BACKGROUND)
Blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.
(LAUGHS) Are you 12?
Why are you laughing at me?
Because this is like ridiculous.
Like what are you trying to prove to me?
That you're not g*y and you still love me.
Maybe things got a
little too intense too fast,
and that's okay.
Because I still love you, too.
And what makes you
think that I would be in love
with you back?
(CHUCKLES)
The look in your eyes.
This is not a YA novel,
Liam. This is real life.
I kinda f*cking hate you
too right now, Sydney.
(CHUCKLES)
-Sydney?
(LIAM & SYDNEY GASP)
-Oh my goodness.
-Hi.
LIAM'S MOM: Oh, how are you, honey?
SYDNEY: So good to see you.
LIAM'S MOM: Oh, yeah.
So glad you two are reconnecting.
-SYDNEY: I know.
-Me too.
Liam still talks about you all the time.
He does?
LIAM: Mom!
Buddy.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm so sorry.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, so good to see you.
Oh, you have no idea
how much I miss you, too.
-Okay?
-LIAM'S MOM: Yeah, see you soon.
-SYDNEY: Yeah. Okay. Muah.
-LIAM'S MOM: Okay.
-All right, enjoy.
-Bye.
LIAM'S MOM: Bye. I'm grabbing some boxes.
You still talk about me?
That's really sweet.
Yeah.
I talk about how much a
f*cking p*ssy b*tch you are.
Yes. Come here, you, yes. Hi.
It's so good to see you.
If you admit you're still into me,
I'll stop all this.
Stop what?
The diss tracks.
Wow. Okay.
Uh, I... I can't believe
you haven't heard these.
Allow me to amaze you.
Okay. I'm... I'm prepared.
LIAM: Boop.
Hey, yo, mic check, mic check
This thing on?
Uh, you're never getting laid
Yeah, yeah
'Cause you wanted to be g*y
Damn
I'm reaching for my fame
Ay, ay, ay, ay
You're eating p*ssy
What a shame
Oh, that was so hard, bro
I know
Mm.
Yeah, I... I'm gonna get so famous,
you're gonna regret what you did.
(LAUGHS)
Did you make the beat yourself, too?
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah.
Yeah?
(LAUGHS)
You are so mean, you know that?
(LAUGHS)
Oh, are you crying?
Just... just like...
Oh. Well, now I kinda feel bad.
Just... just... like... tell me...
Tell me... tell me I'm hot.
Are you recording me?
No.
SYDNEY: What, were you
gonna like jerk off to that later?
Mm, mm.
I'm not gonna do that,
Liam. I can't do that.
LIAM: Please?
SYDNEY: Uh-uh. I can't do it.
I need this. I really need it.
You have no idea how bad I need this.
I can't. I'm not gonna
tell you you're hot, Liam.
LIAM: Please?
Fine. You know what?
You're so hot.
LIAM: Wait, wait, wait.
Again. I need to record it.
-You're so hot, Liam.
-LIAM: Oh, oh.
What was that?
Oh, oh my God. Is this happening?
Yeah, it's happening. Uh-huh.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
LIAM: Wait. Where are
you... You f*cking b*tch.
You took my... you took my lizard.
It's my lizard, as*h*le!
But he needs a male role model.
We don't even know if he's a he.
(GRUNTS)
SYDNEY: Ow, ow.
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
I hope it hurts
You stupid b*tch.
When I watch your world burn
Our struggle never ends
I hope it hurts
I hope it
(PANTS)
(LAUGHS) -Who's a good little Lizzie?
Hi, baby.
Are you so happy to be back with mommy?
I know, it must have been so miserable.
We did it!
We did it! Oh my God.
Oh my God.
-I got so much anger out.
-I know.
Dude, that looked like
it felt f*cking amazing.
Felt incredible.
The look on his face when he
realized what we were doing.
He was so pissed!
I was scurrying around his bedroom.
I picked up three pairs of his boxers.
No, ew!
(LAUGHING)
Holy sh*t!
(LAUGHING)
-So what now?
-SYDNEY: What?
What do you wanna do now?
SYDNEY: Go home?
We could go to Texas.
Or like drive to Montana.
I mean, that's like really f*cking close.
Dude, we can do that next summer.
(TAKES DEEP BREATH)
SYDNEY: Oh.
I c... I can't, I can't go home, Sydney.
I know.
No, like...
So I can't. I...
SYDNEY: You need to
breathe. You need to breathe.
I can't look at my mom anymore.
I know, I know you need to breathe.
Stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop, breathe.
It hurts, it hurts too f*cking bad.
-Breathe. You're okay.
-I can't, I can't.
I know, I know, but you need to stop.
Stop breathing.
If you die from a panic attack,
that would be so embarrassing,
right?
So let's breathe, breathe slowly.
In for four, out for four.
1, 2, 3, 4. Out.
2, 3, 4. In.
2, 3, 4, out. 2, 3, 4.
Okay, yeah.
It's okay.
Sorry.
It's okay. It's okay.
Uh, clearly Buddy
Charles can't read a room.
He seems pretty f*cking happy.
(SYDNEY CHUCKLES)
I don't know what to do, Clara.
About what?
Everything.
I don't know. Like, do I go to college?
Do I not go to college?
If I go to college, what do I study?
Like, I just... I... I don't
know what I wanna do
for the rest of my life.
You know?
And... and you're the
person that normally like
makes those decisions for me, you know?
Okay.
We already had this conversation.
Dude, I'm not blaming you.
I'm just saying like
that this is really rough.
Yeah, sorry that me being
sick is really inconvenient, Syd.
I never said that.
You're still making me feel bad.
SYDNEY: I didn't mean to make you feel bad.
I'm just saying that like
obviously this is really hard
for me.
Oh, it's hard for you?
Do you realize that you haven't asked me
one time how I'm feeling?
Or if I'm in pain?
Can you imagine for two
seconds what it might feel like?
-No, Clara. I can't.
-Oh, of course you can't.
Like I can't even...
-Yeah.
SYDNEY: I can't even
begin to imagine how you feel.
Then why are you acting
like this is so much harder
for you specifically?
I... I'm not saying that it's
harder for me in any way.
I'm just saying that it's also difficult.
CLARA: Okay, then why do you
keep making it about yourself?
I'm not...
-Everything is about you!
I'm not trying to make it about myself.
I'm just saying that like I'm... I'm scared.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I'm f*cking terrified, Sydney.
I don't wanna die.
I don't wanna leave you.
Let's just go home.
Sydney, drive the f*cking car!
Ba, ba, dum, ba, ba, dum, badumba
Da, ba, bum, ba, ba, dum
Woke up in your new apartment
In your twin-size bed, coffee starting
Don't remember much
All I know is that you talk too much
-Thanks.
-I like your earrings.
Ba, ba, dum, ba, ba, dum, badumba
Da, ba, bum, ba, ba, dum
You've got those big
blue eyes drive me crazy
Make me fantasize about you, baby
And you smell so sweet
like fresh-picked daisies
Call me Dahmer, 'cause
your heart's so tasty
Ba, ba, dum, ba, ba, dum, badumba
Da, ba, bum, ba, ba, dum
And I watched you break
like glass, you shatter
Said, "It's my mistake
I make things harder"
So I tried my best to shut my mouth
But all the thoughts I
hid dug their way out
Ba, ba, dum, ba, ba, dum, badumba
Da, ba, bum, ba, ba, dum
You said, "You can't trust me"
I said it's fine
Because I'm not happy 'til I tell a lie
SAM: (ON PHONE) Syd.
Hi, bestie.
SAM: (ON PHONE) Are you okay?
Yeah.
No, I just wanted to
call and say I'm sorry.
I feel like I've been a pretty sh*t sister.
SAM: (ON PHONE) Why?
Because you forgot my g*n?
f*ck.
(SAM CHUCKLES)
(ON PHONE) You guys are idiots.
Ba, ba, dum, ba, ba, dum, badumba
Da, ba, bum, ba, ba, dum
Are you being a good friend today?
Go out and be a good friend.
Sydney, I need you to go be a good friend.
Sydney.
Sydney, I need you to
be a good f*cking friend.
(CAR HORNS)
Get in, b*tch.
Sorry.
How are you?
You know.
(SNIFFLES)
Yeah, I do.
Sorry, I got mad at her.
I don't know. I just...
I... I feel so guilty for getting mad
and then I feel like I can't get mad,
because she's sick and then that makes me
feel more guilty and then
I get more mad about it
and I spiral and I just...
I... I don't even know what
I'm mad about at this point.
You know?
(SNIFFLES)
I used to get mad, too. All the time.
How did you get over that?
Oh, you don't. You just get used to it.
You wake up every day and you hope
something's gonna change.
And then you begin to
live with the likely reality
that that's not gonna happen.
But you wake up again and again,
and suddenly you're 55,
and your daughter's 18.
And you are disappointed, yes.
But you're relieved.
You're grateful,
for all the time you got.
Okay?
(SNIFFLES)
CLARA: So where are we going?
We forgot the damn g*n.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm really sorry.
I'm like really sorry for taking
all of my stress out on you.
That wasn't fair.
No. No, no, no, no.
You were completely correct.
Like I needed to be
better with Sam and you.
I'm sorry.
I don't know how to handle this.
I'm gonna work on it and get better, okay?
I promise.
Yeah, my mom kinda reminded me of that.
f*ck, dude.
These last couple days
were supposed to be fun.
They were supposed to be easy.
I had a blast.
You literally complained the entire time.
Yeah, but that was just to piss you off.
I had a really good time, really.
I wanna go on another
trip with you in the fall.
No. Sydney, I'm not gonna be the reason
you don't go to college.
No, I already decided.
I'm gonna go to community
college and I'm gonna enroll
in online classes.
It's like what I wanna do anyway.
What about Sam?
We could bring her. Bring your mom.
It'll be fun.
Okay, sure. Where are we going?
I don't care. We can go wherever you want.
Even Antarctica?
I f*cking knew you were gonna say that.
Let's see. Sure.
Mm-mm.
Actually, no, I'm not
sure. This sh*t's expensive.
Do you think you can ask
for another Make-A-Wish?
I already had one.
But like didn't you die
and come back to life?
So like technically you should get two.
That's a really good point.
Uh-huh.
CLARA: I have no idea.
Is there a number? Look it up.
I will call. I'll do it.
Yeah.
Okay.
SYDNEY: What are you gonna say?
I don't know. I'll just...
I'll improv my way
through it, it'll be fine.
Oh God, I'm gonna laugh.
Don't laugh. It's not funny.
SYDNEY: It's a little bit funny.
ANDREW: (ON PHONE)
Make-A-Wish, this is Andrew.
Um, hi.
(LAUGHS)
Um, uh, I'm dying, so
I was just wondering if,
um, if I could go to
Antarctica and um, also like
if I could bring my pet lizard with me?
Dude, where is Buddy Charles.
f*ck!
World crash, summer crash
Way too quick feet on your dash
Hands on the wheel, I'll make you laugh
Oh, down bad, that's too bad
Choke on the whip, but hit the past
b*tch, I'm quick to watch you pass
I didn't know that we got it all wrong
And I didn't think that
you'd love me this strong
Want to believe in something strong
Just tell me you like that
I want you to fight back
I'll play along
I don't wanna talk right now
I don't wanna hear you out
You don't need to know I'm fine
You don't get that peace of mind
I don't wanna talk right now
I just wanna shut you out
You would know that I was lying
If I told you I was
If I told you I was
If I told you I was
If I told you I was
If I told you
If I told you I was
If I told you I was fine
If I told you I was fine
If I told you I was fine
Fine
Still watching the laundry spin around
Still watching the daylight spiral out
Still leaving the door
wide open, Hannah
Leaving the door wide open
Still locked in the static
Still can't imagine a life past 17
When seven's a
number that I'll never see
'Cause Hannah's still
knocking on the door next to me
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
(BRITTANY SOBS)
BRITTANY: And I didn't even
get my f*cking Erewhon box?
This is so not slay.
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Saving Buddy Charles (2025)
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