01x07 - Secure the Bag

[bunniefuu]

Yeah ♪

Uh, uh ♪

- Abracadabra ♪

- Abracadabra ♪

Making it happen,

making it happen ♪

Abracadabra, I got the magic ♪

I got the magic, abracadabra ♪

Making it happen ♪

I got the magic,

I got the magic ♪

That's why their casket ♪

Looking so tragic,

I got the magic ♪♪

[Hiroki cackles]

They're totally going to sh*t

their Latrine joggers.

Who is, Lord Hiroki?

[Hiroki] The world.

Oh ♪

- Waitin' for the ♪

- Drop ♪

- Waitin' for ♪

- The drop ♪

- Waitin' for the ♪

- Oh ♪

Waitin' for the ♪♪

[alarm rings]

[both yawn]

[Benny grunts]

[grunts]

Mom, come on.

They complete the fit!

[speaking Korean]

My outfit needs it more!

We're late for church!

- Coming!

- Coming!

[engine idling]

Why do I always have

to sit b*tch?

Because window seats

are for "A" students.

Right, Mom?

- Mm-hmm.

- Gah.

- [bullhorn whines]

- Okay. I can't believe I'm saying this,

but welcome to the first day

of Untitled sh*t Project.

- [chuckles] Oh, yeah!

- Yo! Dawg!

Big ups to the gods Spike, Ava

and iCarly for the inspiraysh.

Also, special thanks

to Principal Weston

for financing

this little passion project.

Crafty's on me, y'all!

Okay, let's get to it!

Are my actors in place?

- In place!

- [fart sound]

So proud of you, Tru!

All right. Scene one, take one.

[sucks air through teeth]

And action!

[Yung Polluter song playing]

[singing along] 'Ey, yo,

the world is a dumpster ♪

Your b*tch,

she's a plumpster ♪♪

No more rap.

It has foul language.

BFD, Mom.

Exactly. Today is the memorial

for church member

Byung-Soo F. Dam.

[Benny] Wait, what?

I'm performing at the memorial?

I told you a thousand times.

It's always in one ear,

out the other with you.

Ugh! Why do we have to make

such a BFD out of BFD?

You playing

in front of the church

is the biggest BFD.

All eyes will be on our family.

Everyone needs to be

on their best behavior.

We are absolute ♪

[rapping in Korean]

Uh, walking like model

Oh, my God, it's Jay

and the J.Crew Crew.

So hot.

I heard he got into Stanford

a year early.

How you doing, ladies?

Hey, loser. See you're still

dressing like the

Jabbawockeez.

- [laughter]

- [speaking Korean] Hey! Over here!

Pull in next to us!

It's the Parks.

Don't do it, Dad. Please!

Don't make me talk to Jennifer,

she crazy!

[Joy] Ugh.

Hi, Joy.

[speaking Korean] Still driving a car

from the Obama administration?

We just got the brand-new

seven series.

Yes, how nice!

I didn't realize

it came in banana.

Beautiful color!

Hello and welcome, Choi family.

How are you on this

day of worship?

Hi, Benny.

Ugh, whatever, Jennifer.

Would you like to sample

some of the pastries

I baked from scratch?

Legendary kiss-a*s

status unlocked.

- Hyung-Joon!

- [grunts]

f*ck, that's delicious.

Jennifer, thank you.

Oh, you're so polite.

Would you mind keeping an eye

on Hyung-Joon in Youth Group?

I worry he's not connecting

with scripture.

I worry, too.

But you can count on me.

What is your name?

I don't have a name.

- I'm untitled.

- [phone chimes]

Cut, cut, cut, cut.

- [gasps]

- Oh, my God, what is it? Tell me.

Surprise Beyoncé album.

No, wait.

Surprise Solange album?

Even better.

Surprise Sunday Latrine

announcement!

♪

[panting]

[Hiroki] What up, fam?

It is I, Hiroki Hassan,

founder of Latrine

and the illest man alive.

I interrupt your

Sunday scaries to announce

my most exclusive drop yet.

The Golden Dorito.

[all] No way.

Yes way.

I have placed four

Golden Doritos

in random Cool Ranch bags

around the world.

This Golden Dorito

is your ticket

to an all-access tour

of my incredibly tasteful

yet sick as f*ck lair.

Now, good luck,

and remember,

the only rule is

there ain't no rules.

[whispers indistinctly]

Okay, apparently there are

a few rules.

So, check LATRINE.BIZ

for deets.

Bless up and stay woke.

[all] Holy shitballs!

- What do we do?

- [Weston] I know what I'm doing.

- Peace out, b*tches.

- [tires screech]

Emergency drop protocol.

To the block.

- [crowd shouting]

- I'm on the block right now ♪

- Aah!

- With some drip that'll drench ♪

- The whole town ♪

- [grunting]

And my flow's making

all y'all drown

- Damn!

- Oh, man,

it's like Paris fashion week

f*cked the Purge.

- Coo-coo!

- With some drip ♪

That'll drench

the whole town

Please, let us in.

No can do, boys.

Get f*cked.

[tires screech]

Oh, how is Benny not here yet?

[somber organ music playing]

[phone vibrating]

Mom, come on, please.

I need my phone back.

No, not until after church.

You get too distracted.

You're right, Mommy.

I'm sorry.

What?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

- Ooh. I gotta get out of here.

- [Pastor Pat] Okay,

who's ready to talk about

our best pal and savior?

Jesus Christ.

♪

[groans]

- Whoo!

- Uh

[both] Oh!

Hmm.

[chuckles]

Huh?

- [screams]

- ♪

I love my B-I-B-L-E Bible ♪

[kids clapping along]

- B-I-B-L-E Bible ♪♪

- God

Don't make me tell,

Hyung-Joon.

What? I need to call

my grandma.

It's 5:00 a.m. in Seoul.

She's an early riser.

Fine. You have two minutes,

then I'm telling your mother.

Ooh, I'm so scared.

- 1:59, 1:58

- [panting]

[phone ringing]

You guys, it's Benny.

Bro, the whole block

has gone apeshit.

We're hiding in a dumpster,

and I smell like

somebody else's burrito.

Where are you?

I'm in hell.

Look, I don't have much time.

The drop announcement,

skim it for clues.

Hiroki's been obsessed

with Easter eggs

ever since he dropped that

Da Vinci Code skate deck.

You know, I'm just

gonna say it.

Book's better than

the movie. Ah!

[Truman] I'm not seeing

anything.

Hey, quick Q for you, Benny.

[Dale] I've always

wondered about this.

Is Jesus white or Asian

in Korean church?

He's whiter than

a rice cake, Dale.

Don't interrupt us.

Wait, that's it.

Go to that spot where

his henchman interrupts him.

[Truman] It's just his

shadowy figure.

- Go back. The time code jumped.

- Read it to me.

[Truman] 04:17:20:10.

- Is that an address?

- It's a date.

April 17, 2010.

Not just any date.

It's a drop!

Of course.

The Latrine transition glasses.

I have them. Go to my house.

It's in the

- Time's up, Hyung-Joon.

- [Truman] Benny?

What the f*ck?

- sh*t.

- Aah!

You heard the man.

To Benny's house.

g*dd*mn it, Jennifer,

give it back.

We're still young; it's not

a big deal if I hit you.

You want me to tell on you,

or you want to lose the phone?

Why are those my options?!

[sighs]

Fine.

[chuckles]

Good choice.

[Truman] Yo, come on,

come on, come on.

Oh, hello, Gucci.

Who's a good boy?

You's a good boy

Yes, yes, yes. Ya!

This is so exciting.

We're like Charlie's Angels.

What? We're nothing like

Charlie's Angels, bruh.

You had so many

franchise options.

I could have been Black Bond

in this b*tch.

Yo, respect the culture, boys.

Damn, tracking mud is

wild disrespectful.

- You guys see the glasses?

- No. Nothing.

Ooh.

You guys want to see

baby Benny

- in a seersucker bow tie?

- [Dale] What?

- I have the exact same crayon pic.

- Found it.

- [phone chimes]

- [gasps] sh*t.

First chip was found.

[reporter] Congratulations on

finding the first Golden Dorito.

Who's gonna be your plus-one?

Easy. My plus-one is

my best friend Mike.

Thank God I only have one.

So it's like

a plus-one thing?

How did we not know?

I mean, it is a bullshit rule,

but me and Benny are gonna take

tons of pics and vids

for you guys, so don't worry.

What?! Why don't we

get to go?

You think we're just here

to help?

That's literally what Dale's

Twitter bio says.

Hey, don't hate

on Boy Scout code.

Well, that's not what

mine says.

[Dale] Guys, stop fighting.

We need to focus on the chip.

We'll figure out

who's going later.

[Pastor Pat] Today we're

discussing false idols.

Hyung-Joon, pay attention.

Ugh. This Kumon b*tch is

too much.

Would anyone like to come up

here and read the next passage?

- Oh, oh, Jennifer would.

- Hey.

Ugh, Hyung-Joon.

- [laughing]

- [Jennifer groans]

- [phone line rings]

- [grunts]

[phone ringing]

[Benny] Dude, it's me.

I'm on a burner.

What's up, Charlie?

Angels here.

- Right? Come on.

- [Truman] Bro!

We found these glasses,

but they don't do sh*t.

They don't even

transition properly.

Why would Hiroki

lead us to the glasses

if they don't do anything?

Obviously to see something.

But what?

Yo, check it.

It's the plug.

[Benny] Of course.

How could I forget?

It was when Joaquin

was transitioning into

a performance artist

right before

he grew the beard

and started rapping.

Go find Joaquin.

He'll know what to do.

Dope.

- Thanks, bestie.

- [Derica] Bestie?

I've known Benny since

Mrs. Gill's preschool class.

- I introduced you two.

- Hey, Benny,

you should know there's a

Well, if it isn't

the little hype b*tch.

[speaking Korean] I wonder

which one of your sisters

I'm gonna hook up with first?

Probably Helen.

Now give it back!

Listen to you. Can't even

clap back in Korean.

Spending too much time

with your woke-a*s friends,

Hyung-Joon?

You think if you cop enough

Latrine gear, they'll

- mistake you for a white boy?

- [laughter]

[grunts] I wear Latrine

because it's f*cking dope.

If I wanted to get a job

at H&R Block, I'd wear J.Crew.

- [others gasp]

- sh*t, my lame-a*s white friends

don't even wear J.Crew.

Whoa.

Whoops.

You son of a b*tch.

What's going on in here?

I caught Hyung-Joon sneaking out

to talk on the phone,

and when I tried to stop him,

he cursed at me.

It's actually a lot more

nuanced than that.

- Hyung-Joon, you're coming with me.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[laughter]

[Derica] Kombucha Brewery?

I thought this was

Joaq-dog's art studio.

Extra, extra,

swipe all about it.

Chips two and three found.

Oh, sacrebleu.

Thank God I only have

one best friend.

Thank God I only

have one best friend.

Damn, one left?

This better work.

Joaquin, bro,

911 chip sitch.

We need your help.

Vow of silence break.

Sorry about that, fam,

it's just we brew

in silence here 'cause the

boocha molecules are crazy shy.

No need to be shy around us.

Keep brewing.

You're doing great.

Hey, real talk, what you know

about these joints?

Just when I think

I can stop running,

my Latrine past

catches up to me.

When they were recalled,

so was I.

Hiroki said I should

just turn my back

on the glasses.

So you don't have

a clue for us?

Are you even aware

there's a worldwide

Dorito contest going on?

No, I fux with the Salsa Verde,

but that is it.

Hey, Joaquin, Dan dropped his

smudge stick in the vat again.

Sorry, g*ng, when the booch

calls, I answer.

Hold up, give me the glasses.

No way.

Joaquin is the clue.

Check it.

[gasps]

That's young Hiroki.

I know what the next clue is.

Come on.

Thanks, Joaq-dog.

Young Hiroki looked up to

his first mentor,

legendary '80s fashion designer

Azzedine Alaia.

D, the Alaia store got

torn down.

You know that.

It's Barks & b*tches now.

- Exactly. It's the perfect place to hide a chip.

- Slow down, Angels.

I'm running low on battery.

[sinister laugh]

It's time for Abraham's Choice.

Everyone grab a partner

you're willing to

sacrifice for the Lord.

Hyung-Joon, let's be partners.

Lewis?

- Where's Hyung-Joon?

- Um, I don't know.

He Venmo'd me ten bucks

to wear this.

Don't k*ll me.

[phone vibrating]

Thanks for holding

my celly, JC.

[entry bell chimes]

- [cats meowing]

- [puppies yapping]

You can just ask about

the animals.

You don't have to sift

through their poop.

- [phone rings]

- [Benny] D, it's me.

I'm on another burner.

- You guys get anything from Joaquin?

- Yes.

His back tattoos led us

to the old Alaia store,

aka Bark & b*tches.

And since I cracked the clue,

I should get to go with you.

Get to go?

- There's no chip here, D.

- Yes, there is.

You're just not looking

hard enough, Truman.

Hey, just curious, why am I

not even an option?

Dale, my f*cking mom is going

before you're going.

Why are you guys fighting?

What are you even talking about?

Oh, like you don't know.

We've been racing around

Fairfax all day

while your a*s is in church.

Yeah, why should Benny

get to go anyway?

Derica, you and me should go.

Someone tell me what

is going on.

Guys, Sherman got the last chip.

It's over.

[crying out]

- Hyung-Joon.

- Wha?

I begged you to be good today.

But Jennifer tells me

you've been sneaking out,

and Pastor Pat tells me you were

using curse words.

Why do you have to misbehave

on such an important day for me?

Important for you?

Today is the most important day

of my life.

I'm trying to make something

of myself,

and everyone is sabotaging me.

- You have no idea what that feels like.

- [harsh groan]

So disrespectful.

I do everything for you,

and still you embarrass me.

You don't get me at all.

I hate it here.

[all gasp]

Umma, I'm sorry, I

Get back inside. Now.

[speaking Korean]

Aw, he's fat on the inside too?

And then the disciple Stephen

was taken outside of Jerusalem,

where he was stoned to death.

Lucky him.

Give phone please.

I'm not supposed to.

Look at me, Jennifer.

I'm sitting in

the Sinner's Corner.

I'm not going to Hiroki's lair,

and I'm pretty sure

my mom's going to disown me.

So either give me the phone

or push me off the roof.

[sighs]

I just can't believe

it was Sherman.

Guess there really is a God,

and he hates me.

Are you seriously crying

over a fake golden chip?

Hiroki would never use

fake gold.

He's authentic to his core.

Then that Sherman guy

got a fake one.

What are you talking about?

Jennifer, come on, girl,

I'm sorry.

I think you're brilliant,

all right?

A little cuckoo, but

that's hot to some people.

Please tell me. Please?

[sighs] The filaments

near the edges

of the chip are not remnants

- of real gold.

- Go on.

It's turning his fingers

green, dummy.

Only fake gold does that.

How sure are you?

I'm a straight-A student,

Hyung-Joon.

I'm pretty f*cking sure.

The Lord works in

mysterious ways.

[straining]

Wait. That was really

impressive.

But what about your

cello performance?

f*ck my cello performance!

My mom already hates me.

Latrine is an even bigger BFD.

[grunting]

- [shoulder pops back]

- [whimpers]

- [phone line ringing]

- Guys, it's me.

The chip's a fake.

Wait, how do you know?

My source is legit.

Trust me.

Even if it is a fake,

we couldn't find anything

at Bark & b*tches.

That's because it's not there.

Hiroki's real first job

was working

for his mom's donut shop,

Trusty Donuts.

His first mentor was his mom.

So the dream is still alive?

- [voices approaching]

- Oh, sh*t.

Hold on, guys.

[speaking Korean] I'm sorry your

son is such a disappointment.

Maybe Jennifer should perform

at the memorial instead.

Her emergency bassoon is

in the car just in case.

No, Hyung-Joon will play.

And he's not a disappointment.

He's unique.

Oh. You should see

his shoe business.

- He bought me these Louboutins with his own money.

- Huh.

Those are three seasons old.

Too bad kids don't come

with gift receipts.

[laughter]

[Derica] Benny, what's going on?

You there?

My mom.

I'm her Golden Dorito.

This is her drop day

and I'm ruining it.

Sorry, guys, I can't make it.

Are you serious?

Benny, Latrine is the most

important thing in your life.

It's your religion.

Second most.

Now, go on without me.

I need to handle something.

You guys got this.

Benny's right.

We can do this.

Friends, or best friends?

[all] Best friends!

[dog barks]

[organ playing]

[clears throat]

How can we not talk

about family

when family's all that we got?

And now, I would like to

welcome our very own

Hyung-Joon Choi to the stage

to perform a piece for BFD

on the cello.

[exhales sharply]

There.

We're too late.

[entry bell chimes]

Hey, wait,

That's our Dorito bag.

This goes out to the BFD

in my life,

my umma.

[audience murmurs]

Secure the m*therf*cking bag!

♪

I know a shortcut.

Follow me.

♪

♪

Yah!

[straining]

That chip is mine.

- Whoa!

- [crying out]

Weston?

But you're our principal.

Not on weekends.

- Aah

- Aah!

Yah.

♪

[engine revs]

[tires screech]

Want to see what 30K a year

will do to a man?

What the f*ck?!

Looks like my wife was right.

I'm gonna end up k*lling

some kids today.

I mean, do I even

have to say it?

[Truman and Derica] Fine.

We're totally Charlie's Angels.

[all shouting]

[sobbing]

[all grunting]

[cries out]

Why are you so good

at karate?

Huh?

Guys, over here.

♪

Vaya con Dios, m*therf*cker.

- Bye-bye.

- Wha

Oh, damn.

- [crying out]

- [expl*si*n]

[cheering, laughing]

Did we just m*rder

our principal?

♪

[cheers and applause]

My baby.

Pull over.

Where's the g*dd*mn Dorito bag?

f*ck, I tossed it

a mile ago.

Litter g*ng for life,

m*therf*cker.

[speaking Korean]

You must be so proud.

Ugh. What now?

Oh, that was beautiful,

Hyung-Joon.

Go get your phone back.

Jennifer, you are truly

a psychopath.

It terrifies me that

we're probably gonna

hook up someday.

[giggles]

[hawk screeches]

[panting]

This is hopeless.

I don't see anything.

Bro, we've had, like,

10,000 Doritos today,

and I ain't even mad at it.

- [clank]

- Man, what the f*ck?

This chip got a grill?

You gotta look at the date

on the bag sometimes, man.

Yo!

[gasps]

There it is.

Well?

- Yo!

- Yeah!

Holy sh*t, you did it.

We all did it.

When I was hungry,

she cooked me something yummy ♪

And when I was sick,

she would take care of me ♪

Fix me up chicken soup,

let me stay home from school ♪

But if I did

I couldn't leave the room ♪

- 'Cause that was the rule

- [all cheering]

Dope!

I count four of you.

Which two will be attending

the Latrine lair?

All of us or none of us.

Okay.

All right, well, I'm gonna need

to run that by my boss.

Please hold.

Sir? Yeah, hi.

We have a situation

with the Fairfax winners.

There's four of them. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's one of those "all for

one, one for all" scenarios.

Yeah.

He said you can all come.

[all cheering]

Dedicated to my mama,

to my mama ♪

Who taught me how to

put on my pajamas, she did ♪

Always let me have

a couple dollars ♪

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah ♪

Told me that my dreams

I better follow ♪

Hey ♪

This song is dedicated

to my mama ♪

She taught me how to

put on my pajamas ♪

Always let me have

a couple dollars ♪

And told me that my dreams

I better follow ♪

I love my mama ♪

This is for all the mamas ♪

All the mamas working

more than one job ♪

Working real, real hard ♪

Mamas all over the world,

you know? ♪

Chirp.