01x05 - Guitar Nero

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Have you been playing that

stupid game all night again?

Me and Doofus were watching

"Home Alone."

I needed a wind down.

You're addicted to

that bloody thing.

Yeah. Bring us a blanket,

will ya?

No. Jan's here

in two minutes.

Who's Jan?

She's evaluating the house.

We've a viewing tomorrow.

I told you.

- Are you serious?

- I told you.

If this works out, I'm going to make an offer

on that place in Wicklow.

Things could move very fast.

Would you get up?

I'm not I'm not movin'

to Wicklow.

- Frank

- No. I'd have to break up with Doofus.

Long distance friendships

never work.

You're not coming with me,

Frank. We talked about this.

You said you were happy to

move out on your own.

I was in denial, Mam.

You have to find

your own place to live, Frank.

- Mam

- Frank.

- Please don't leave me.

- It's not up to me.

It's Why are you

doing that face?

Oh, Frank.

Oh, me little munchkin.

Course you can

f*ck it!

- No. You are moving.

- (doorbell rings)

sh*t. She's here.

Grab your keys

and keep out of the house

for the day. Please.

♪♪

Actually,

not a terrible house.

People like a blank canvas.

Though if you de-clutter it a bit

before the morning,

that would help.

(clattering)

How's that, Jan?

You piece of sh*t.

I'll box some stuff up later.

Don't forget your keys, Frank.

This is my house.

I have to defend it.

It's not your house,

Frankie.

I don't know what you're

so smug about,

you're going to be

homeless, too.

No, I stay with Mary.

In, uh, Wicklow. No?

- You said it was a one-bedroom.

- It is.

Why are you taking him

and not your son?

There are things that

Stephane can give me.

Things that you couldn't.

- I could try.

- No, Frankie.

No.

You know what also helps?

The smell of

freshly baked bread.

- Oh.

- Or biscuits.

Oh, this is bullshit!

Mam, are you actually

doin' this?

I hope I never see

any of you jerks again!

- (clattering)

- Ooh!

Clutter!

Well, then.

♪♪

(knocking)

Frank. You here to see

the room?

God help me, I am.

Doofus, this is your room.

I know. We'd be roomies.

(sighs)

No, silly. That's where

my brother sleeps.

You're in with me, buster.

How's that?

I don't know, Doofus.

What if I'm with a lady?

I don't mind watching.

No, I don't think

this is gonna work.

I mean, nobody should have to

live here, let alone me.

Okay, well, can you make

a decision quick?

Why? Do you have another

viewing for

the shittest room

in the world?

No. I have a date.

- A date?

- With Nicola.

We're doing coffee.

She told me to dress up,

so I got my tracky

dry cleaned again.

Better get ready, actually.

Oh!

Ah, look at this.

- Ooh. What do you think?

- Honestly?

She's gonna think you're

an idiot if you show up in that.

This isn't football practice,

Doofus.

It's men's business.

What else you got?

It's just the same

except dirtier.

- What am I gonna do?

- If I get you a proper outfit,

will you find me a place to stay

if Mary kicks me out?

Of course I will.

Thank you, Frankie.

We could top and tail

if you prefer.

There's no way

I'm staying here.

♪♪

Oh. The plastic

keeps it clean

but it makes you sweat,

doesn't it?

I just can't believe Mary

would want to sell this.

Although, she shouldn't

hang Stephane's jocks

in the front garden,

that's a tad unsightly.

Let's get you all dolled up

for your date, big guy.

- Bollocks!

- What?

- Left my keys inside.

- What?

Ah, Mary's out, Stephane's

probably at college.

- (knocking)

- I I can't be late. Is there a spare key?

Think Aine might have one

at her house.

She's too far away.

Oh! I think Mam

leaves one under the gnomes.

(grunting) Which one?

I don't know.

(sighs)

- Must have got that wrong.

- f*ck! My date!

- Would you calm down?

- I can't calm down!

I need some cool threads.

(panting)

(breathes deeply)

I'm glad we're doing this.

Yeah. Me too.

FRANK: Me too.

Glad we could

make this happen.

Frank, do you think

me and Doofus

might have some time?

Just the two of us?

Why? It's not like

you're gonna shift him.

It's lunchtime.

(scoffs) There's literally

nothing for me to do out there.

Fine. Doofus, I'm off,

even though I've

nowhere to go, basically.

You okay with that?

(door opens, closes)

You look like Ricky Martin.

The tennis player?

(knocking)

Hi, Frank.

It's good to see you.

It's been such

a horrible day.

Do you have a spare key

to my gaff?

Me and Peter-Brian keep

fightin' about the wedding.

I'm afraid we

You and I never fought.

Did we, Frank?

Aine, relationships

are tough.

I'll

Let me tell you something that

I told Doofus earlier today.

I need a spare key from Aine

so I can get into my house.

Ugh!

What's Frank doing here?

Oh, don't take it out on Frank

because you're hungover.

(mocking) Don't take it out on Frank

'cause you're hungover.

- Where's the key, Aine?

- I need a drink.

The last thing you need

is a f*ck' drink.

You are such a drag.

Where's the key, Aine?

I don't have to deal with

this sh*t, I'm a f*ck' doctor.

Oh, I know you're

a f*ck' doctor.

You tell me 25 times a day.

(mocking) You tell me

25 times a day.

- Aine, where's the key?

- Outside under a flower pot.

Thank you.

I don't know if I've got a migraine

or if it's just you.

Oh, I'll give you a migraine,

you posh prick.

(objects breaking)

Frank, it's the last one.

Frank, it's the last one!

Ah, the f*ck'

It's the last one, Frank.

It was the last one.

(sighs) Can I come with you?

Nope. Toodles.

What the f*ck!

♪♪

(sighs) Home, sweet home.

♪♪

Mam!

(lock clicking)

Frank. You said you'd

stay out for the day.

Why's all our stuff

packed away?

- Jan says it's clutter.

- Clutter? That's my life!

My communion photo.

My dollar bill from America.

- My video games!

- Frank, I'm selling the house.

- That's all there is to it.

- It's my house, too.

It's not.

You need to leave.

What are you doin' with those?

Don't you dare!

- (door slams, lock clicks)

- Frank! Open the door.

- Not bloody likely.

- Open the f*ck' door.

No! Today I saw what life

is like outside this home,

and it was the most stressful

two or three hours

I've ever had to live.

I was homeless, basically.

Well, I'm back home now,

and no fancy estate agent's

gonna tell me any different.

Don't touch anything in there

or I will k*ll you.

Call off the viewing, Mam.

Let me stay,

I'm only in my early 30s.

Open the f*cking door!

If you don't call off

the viewing,

I have no choice but to

excommunicate you forever.

I'll stay here all night, Mam.

The viewing's not happening.

Aine and Peter-Brian

have a key.

I'm gonna go and get it.

And then I'm gonna

come back here,

and I'm gonna kick

the livin' sh*t out of ya.

Fine! Go get it.

I'm quaking in

my little boots here.

Don't mess up my house!

Okay.

The Marron estate

is in lockdown.

No one gets in or out,

this is it.

- Don't be scared.

- AINE: Frank.

Ahh!

I called off the wedding,

Frank.

Can I stay here for a while?

♪♪

♪♪

Shouldn't you be

doin' somethin'?

Huh?

Once Mary realizes

I have the key,

she'll be forced to negotiate.

Until then,

the house is mine.

Would you slow down?

I'm trying to beat

my high score here.

Peter-Brian will come around.

He just needed a wake up call.

He kept

undermining me, you know?

Doesn't listen to me.

Mm.

I mean, he called me boring.

(chuckles)

I'm not boring, am I, Frank?

I'm not boring, am I, Frank?

Ah, come on, it's your

guitar solo comin' up.

♪♪

MALE VOICE: Game over.

Solo too boring.

(ring tone plays)

Oh, it's Mary.

You're not gonna answer?

Nah. Keep her sweating.

I mean, what's she gonna do?

This place is more secure

than Fort Knox.

- Hello!

- (gasping)

Stephane. How in blue blazes

did you get in?

I'm here all day.

I sleep.

Bloody students.

Where is, uh, Mary?

- (pounding)

- (gasping)

Oh, good God.

There's no way in, Mary.

Doors and windows locked,

so just back off.

Cancel the viewing

and we can negotiate.

- It's me, Frank.

- Goddamnit.

Doofus, I texted an hour ago.

What's she doing here?

He said we were

going to a party.

Where is everyone?

The guests are inside.

Come in, quick.

Ah, f*ck that.

It's f*ck' weird.

- I'm outta here.

- STEPHANE: Frankie.

I beat your high score.

Oh. Hey, Doofus.

Nice clothes.

♪♪

(speaks French)

Gracias.

I can't stay all night,

Frank.

I want to help.

My date, it's

It's goin' sh*t.

Did you not bring her to

the 7-D experience?

I did, she flippin' hated it.

What?

Was the bubble machine broken?

- No.

- Did her 3D goggles get misty?

No, I I think

she just hated it.

(ring tone plays)

Mary again.

Christ, Doofus, I'm gonna

have to pull rank here.

She's gonna be back

at any second,

need all the help I can get.

- Aine's f*ck' useless.

- I know but

- Nicola, please!

- What?

Look, I appreciate

you wanna have some fun,

but for God's sake,

just step away from the drums.

What are you talkin' about?

Look, I don't mean it

in a sexist way,

but I just don't think women

are very good drummers.

And you're bashin' away

there like

- Ohhh!

- Oh, come on, Frank.

Yeah, that's pretty sexist,

Frank.

No, look. I mean, if you

were in a burning building,

who would you want

carrying you to safety,

a man or a woman?

Same thing with drummers.

What are you doin'?

(grunting)

This proves nothing.

- (cell phone rings)

- Oh. It's Mary.

- Don't answer that!

- Hi, Mary, you're on speaker.

Hi, Mam.

MARY: You already had

the key. Clever.

I'm sorry, I had no choice.

MARY: You crossed the line

today, Frank.

I can't leave, Mam. Okay?

I've no skills.

I'm not Ray Mears.

Cancel the viewing.

Let's take a couple of years

to to talk this through.

MARY: No, Frank.

I'm coming back. Now.

What are you gonna do?

MARY: I think I'm gonna

k*ll ya, Frank.

Doofus, we need to

beef up security.

Hey, uh, Stephane has

a real guitar upstairs,

and, yeah, he's gonna

show me how to work it.

Okay. Yeah. Great.

Love to hear some tunes.

No. Doofus.

I need you down here.

Yeah. Doofus, you stay

down there with Frank.

- No, but

- Doofus, stay!

- Is Mary comin' back?

- Jesus!

Ohh. Sorry, I keep

forgettin' you're here.

What's the plan, Frank?

This is my house.

I have to defend it.

It's like "Home Alone."

♪♪

This is brilliant.

Love to see Mary try and get in

with all these in her way.

(ornaments clattering)

I'd like to see Peter-Brian

nut himself on these.

Break open that

f*ck' egg head of his.

Maybe time to

switch to water.

Doofus.

What are you doin'?

Securing the perimeter.

You're gonna k*ll somebody.

You need to ease up a bit.

What else you done?

(whooshing)

Doofus, are you okay?

I'm sure she'll be down soon.

We might go to

the cinema later.

I want you to dismantle this

before somebody gets hurt.

Okay?

AINE: Frank! Frank!

- Frank!

- What is it?

(groans)

Spit it out, woman!

I heard a noise. Outside.

She's back, Frank.

(panting)

I'm scared.

Okay. Don't be.

Mary has no jurisdiction

in this house.

She doesn't scare me

one little bit.

- Frank.

- (screaming)

- Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!

- MARY: Open the door!

- No! Cancel the viewing!

- MARY: Not a chance.

Okay, she doesn't actually

scare me.

- That was just a once

- Frank!

(screaming)

Okay. Seems to have done it.

(pounding)

Mary, go easy on the door.

MARY: Frank,

you're f*cking dead!

PETER-BRIAN: Look, I can't

stay here all night, Mary,

am I okay taking off?

Is that Peeber?

He came for me.

Who's that?

Is that Aine?

AINE: Yeah.

PETER-BRIAN:

What's she doin' in there?

I I came here

after I ran out on you.

PETER-BRIAN:

You ran out on me?

Yeah. I told you

the wedding was off.

PETER-BRIAN: You did?

Oh, right.

Sorry, I, um I I was

checking my email.

I must've, uh I just told

Mary I'd drop her off here

when she couldn't find

her keys, so

why'd you call off

the wedding?

Are you f*cking serious?

PETER-BRIAN: Aine, I have

a lot on at the moment.

No! I've had enough!

Forget the f*cking wedding!

We're done!

PETER-BRIAN: Think you're

overreacting.

- Shove it up your d*ck!

- PETER-BRIAN: Aine!

Aine, you're not serious,

are ya? Aine!

Is she gone?

It's hard to tell sometimes.

Mary!

PB, is Mary still out there?

- (thudding)

- (gasps)

She's trying to

sneak in upstairs.

Clever girl.

(creaking)

(loud thud)

You investigate.

I'll provide back up.

- (gasps)

- NICOLA: Turn that off!

- Okay.

- (switch clicks)

STEPHANE:

Close the door, please.

Okay.

Doofus, no. No.

Don't, Doofus, no, no.

- (cell phone rings)

- (gasps)

Hi, Peebs, what is it?

Aine, I've I've been

thinking about what you said,

and you're right,

I do take you for granted,

and I I haven't been

listening to you.

Thank you for saying that.

Maybe we can work on it and

PETER-BRIAN: Whenever you're

ready to move your stuff out,

it's fine with me,

there's no rush.

Take 'til the end of

the week, okay?

- No. Wait

- PETER-BRIAN: Thank you. Bye-bye.

Don't Don't go. Peebs.

(phone line clicks, beeps)

Was that Peter-Brian?

STEPHANE: Doofus,

are you still in here?

- DOOFUS: No.

- NICOLA: Get out!

DOOFUS: Okay.

They were top

and tailing, Frank.

(speaks French)

Where you goin'? Huh?

- Frank (muttering)

- No, Doofus.

Don't flake out on me now,

I need you.

I I need to go

and talk to Peter-Brian

face to face, Frank.

I need you to stay.

Both of you.

We could have our own

little family right here.

I'm the dad.

Doofus, you're my son.

Aine, you could be my

- Wife?

- mother.

Frank, I don't know. I

I don't think that I can,

Frank.

MARY: Frank,

the front door's locked.

Where's the g*dd*mn key?

Could everyone just stay put

for one f*cking second?!

I need to think.

(pounding)

Mammy, stop! Stop.

I'm ready to talk.

Go f*ck yourself, Frank.

Mam, the language.

Just stand back.

I'm coming in.

Oh! Ahh, screw it!

I can't

do this anymore, Frank.

I just can't do it.

Mammy, is your hand okay.

Don't "Mammy" me

Aine, do something,

the woman's hurt.

Frank, it's over.

I need to get my life

back together.

- Doofus.

- Me, too, Frank.

I I think my girlfriend's

having an affair.

Mam, I'm sorry.

I'm actually sorry.

I'll come out now,

just give me two secs

to say goodbye.

What an artist

the world is losing in me.

Wait, Frank, no, no, no, no.

(whooshing)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(smoke alarm beeping)

(screaming)

(clamoring)

(coughing)

Wait. Where's Aine?

- She's still in there.

- Jesus, yeah!

- Well, someone should go in.

- Yes, someone better go in.

Why don't you go in?

But technically,

we're on a break so

do you wanna go in?

- Eh

- I just don't think it would be appropriate

Someone better go in.

Oh

Aine!

Oh, hey!

Did you hear all that?

(coughing) Aine!

Aine!

(coughing)

Aine, give me one sec.

(coughing)

(indistinct yelling)

Aine, I'll be one second.

Bear with me, babes.

(coughing, gasping)

Aine.

(gasping, coughing)

(coughing)

Frank!

Frank!

(coughing)

Frank! Frank!

Frank! Frank!

(coughing)

Come on. Frank, come on.

Come on, come on,

come on, come on.

(coughing) Okay.

(straining)

(grunts)

(panting)

(straining, coughing)

(grunting)

(thud)

(coughing)

Aine.

Frank. Are you okay?

I'm sorry, Mam.

I couldn't stop

their mad schemes.

Doofus set a blowtorch trap.

The rest of 'em helped.

You can have

the viewing tomorrow,

- you have my blessing.

- The viewing's f*cked.

As well you know.

(coughing)

Well, somethin' to tell

the grandkids about anyway.

Oh, get away from me,

you f*ck' nerd.

Look, are you my girlfriend

or not?

No.

- Are you his girlfriend?

- Doofus.

I need my clothes now.

Thank God you're okay.

- It's over.

- Good.

You look amazing.

Shall I call the fire brigade?

No, Peebers.

Let it burn.

Let it burn.

What are you talkin' about?

Call the fire brigade,

for f*ck sake!

I ran all the way home ♪

Just to say I'm sorry ♪

What can I say ♪

I ran all the way ♪

Yay, yay, yay ♪

I ran all the way home ♪

Just to say I'm sorry ♪