Secondhand Lions (2003)

[bunniefuu]

Let's roll.

I love it! I love it!

- Yes.

- Ha-ha-ha.

I knew that'd get him!

- Hey.

Hello?

Walter?

Yes?

- I have some bad news.

It's about your two uncles, son.

Walter?

Walter? Walter.

Good news.

You're spending the summer

with your two uncles.

It's just gonna be for a few weeks.

A month or two, tops.

Scout's honor, okay?

Cross my heart

and hope to die, okay?

Where are you going this time?

The Fort Worth College

of Court Reporting.

I met a guy last night.

He's gonna pull some strings.

Walter, you're gonna have

to learn to trust people...

...or you're gonna grow up

bitter and disappointed.

You're gonna have fun

with your two uncles. You'll see.

Mom, you're an only child.

I know what uncles are.

Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants...

...it just so happens,

they really are your uncles.

Your great-uncles.

My mother's brothers.

They disappeared 40 years ago...

...and just now showed up

back here in Texas.

- Can't I come with you?

- No.

Honey, I'm gonna be working

my tail off learning court reporting.

I'm doing everything I can

to keep this family together.

How about a little help here, okay?

Now, look.

They say these two old men

got millions stashed away in cash.

Nobody knows where they got it.

Got no kids, no one to leave

all that money to.

You and me, we're as close

as any family they got.

You want them to like me...

...so they'll die

and leave us their money?

We could buy a house,

maybe settle down.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Oh, look. Here it is.

Here it is, honey. Here it is.

By the way, I hear these two were

in some state nuthouse for 40 years.

Got all their money

from a big lawsuit or something.

But then there's

lots of stories about them.

Who knows what to believe?

Just find out where they stashed

all that money, okay?

- Maybe we should've called first.

- No. Older people just love surprises.

Here we are.

Okay.

Aah! Aah!

Go away, go away.

Hey, go away. Shoo.

Show them you're friendly, honey.

Let them smell your hand.

They must be down there

by that lake.

Let's go. Come on.

Let's go. There he is.

Winged him.

He's running for it.

Damn. Empty.

- Get a*mo. I'll keep him covered.

Yoo-hoo.

Ha, ha.

Huh?

Yoo-hoo.

You send for a hooker?

Uncle Hub, Uncle Garth,

it's me, Mae.

Mae.

Pearl's daughter.

And I brought Walter, your nephew.

- Relatives.

- Damn, God.

We're old, damn it. Leave us alone.

The last thing we need

is some little sissy boy...

...hanging around all summer.

Walter, honey...

...why don't you wait out here

and play, okay? I'll be a minute.

He could help out

around here, do chores.

Help out? Your kid's a damn wienie.

I know.

That's why he needs

to be around real men...

...like you two. It won't be for long.

He's gotta cook for his

damn self. I'm not cooking.

Nice doggie. Come play.

This is for your own good, Walter.

You know...

...I bet all that money

is hidden real close by.

Imagine, a real buried treasure...

...just like in those books

you're always reading.

Walter, maybe if you'd learn

to smile once in a while...

...then people might like you.

Now, come on, how about

a big smile to remember you by?

Okay? Come on.

You're gonna have to work

on that smile while I'm gone, okay?

Bye, honey. Bye.

Well?

If my mom calls, can we hear

the telephone out here?

- Don't have one.

- No telephone?

Is it okay if I go inside

and watch television?

- Ain't got one.

- No television?

What do you do?

Hey.

Rumor has is you two have

millions stashed away.

Why not put some of that money

to work for you...

...with the high yield only investing

in gold and silver can bring?

Can I leave you some pamphlets?

Gentlemen, word is out.

You are two sophisticated

men of means-

Hey!

Nice evening. Peaceful.

Hey, kid.

You sleep up there. In the tower.

Hey, we don't know

nothing about kids.

- So if you need something...

- Find it yourself.

- Or better yet, learn to do without.

- Yeah.

- We're both getting old.

- Fixing to die any time.

So, uh, if we kick off

in the middle of the night...

...you're on your own.

- Jumpy little fella.

- Mm.

Quiet though.

Uncle Hub?

Uncle Hub?

He's sleepwalking.

Brand-new mattress,

and I'm still waking up tired and sore.

So...

...you two disappeared for...

...40 whole years.

Where were you?

Africa mostly.

Morocco, Algeria, Kenya.

Not much sadder than

a couple of has-beens...

...jabbering about

the good old days.

Those days are through.

So are we.

- I hate this. I hate it.

- We're retired.

Gardening is what

retired people do.

What do we want any

damn vegetables for anyway?

They're good for you.

Make you live to be 100.

Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

To hell with that.

You live to be 100.

Hey, Uncle Hub.

Hub, how are you doing?

Kids, say hi to Uncle Hub.

Hub, come back here

and see who we brought.

Uncle Garth.

Kids, say hi to Uncle Garth.

We're here for a nice long visit.

The whole weekend. We know

how lonely our favorite uncles get.

Who the hell are you?

- Walter.

- Walter?

Mae's boy?

Pearl's daughter.

That loose, widow woman

always running around.

- It figures she'd muscle in.

- Is Mae here?

How long are you here for?

Well, we'll just see about that.

We know what you're up to.

Don't think you're gonna

get away with it.

Come on, boys. Come on.

His momma's gonna be back

before long.

Oh, that woman? Huh.

From what I hear, she may never

come back. What then?

Then you'd be stuck with him.

I'm telling you, take him

to the orphanage right this minute.

Whether we take him to the

orphanage or throw him in the lake...

...it's our business, not yours.

Here he is now, spying.

Ow! Ow, ow!

See what I'm saying?

Did you see what he just did?

Mm-hm.

Fort

Worth College of Court Reporting.

I need to find my mom.

She's a student there.

I'm sorry, we're closed.

But- Pl- It's an emergency. Please?

Her name's Mae, Mae Coleman.

Um...

No, I'm sorry, there's no

Mae Coleman registered here.

Oh. Try Mae Carter.

No, I'm sorry.

Mabel Cartwright?

Mabe Calloway?

Donna Tompko?

Young man,

are you in some sort of trouble?

She's gotta be there.

She just started.

Listen, our classes

started back in January.

No one could have possibly

just started.

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Hub, I don't know why

you have to drive. It's my car.

Stop whining.

If we find the kid,

he's gonna get a piece of my mind.

There he is.

Lawyer, stay in the car.

Hub, come on.

- No, no. You, not me, no.

Hub.

Get out of the car.

Planning your next move?

Where you figure on going?

Here. Area code 406.

Montana.

How come you're not heading to, uh,

Fort Worth where your momma is?

She's not there.

She lied.

Again.

Listen, kid, uh...

...we know you got your heart

set on going to Montana, but, uh...

...it's late.

Hub, help me out here.

Why? It sounds like

his mind's made up.

Good luck in Montana, kid.

We've got better maps than that one

at the house, right, Hub?

Yeah, a man needs a good map,

that's for sure.

Sure.

I've been to the orphan home before.

I don't wanna go back.

Damn it, kid...

...it ain't our fault you got

a lousy damn mother.

Guess I should get going.

Which way is north?

I'll say one thing for this kid,

he sure pisses off the relatives.

Uh, listen, kid, uh, do us a favor.

If you come back to the house

and stay a while...

...why, our relatives

are gonna hate it.

I bet they hate it so much...

...they go away

and leave us all the hell alone.

- It's crazy enough it just might work.

- Mm. Sure.

Come on, kid, help us out here.

I guess I could come back...

...for a while...

...seeing it's so important.

So, kid...

...how's that root beer?

Uncle Hub, Uncle Garth...

...this has been such...

...a wonderful weekend.

I hate to bring this up...

...but have you two looked

at that will I left for you?

Uh, you both need

to be thinking about these things...

...at your age.

Don't sh**t. Don't sh**t.

He's been here before.

Brothers McCann?

- This is no ordinary salesman.

Hell, I like me a challenge.

- Can we talk?

- Come out where we can see you.

Put down your g*ns

and I'll come out.

This guy is good.

I'll cover, you sneak around.

- that's not complete.

What? What do you? What? What?

- Why not see what he's selling?

Let me show it to you.

- What the hell for?

It's right behind my car.

What's the good having money

if you never spend it?

- Trust me.

- It could be the kid has a point.

Yeah, well...

We'll see what the man's selling.

- Then we sh**t him.

- Good plan.

Whew. Ha, ha.

Due to the, uh...

...unsettling nature

of our previous encounters...

...I took it upon myself to search

the world over for that-

That perfect item

that'd be just right...

...for two exuberant sportsmen

such as yourselves.

And boys, well,

I do believe I found it.

Voilà.

What is it?

Well, that right there

is the sport of kings.

Till now, only heads of state

have been able to afford...

...equipment like that...

...and it is so simple to operate

this child could do it.

- Really?

Ah, here.

I'll tell you what.

You step right up here and chunk

that lever back on my signal, okay?

Go ahead.

- Wow.

- Most powerful one on the market...

...and very reasonably priced,

I might add.

Well, that is the biggest

waste of money...

...I have ever seen in my entire life.

Mister, you load up that contraption

and get the hell off this land.

- We'll take it.

- Oh, no, you don't.

I won't have my children

around this g*n foolishness.

Then leave.

- Come on, Daddy, let's go.

- Come on. Come on.

You know what happens

when my feelings get hurt.

Get in the car.

Pull.

Pull.

Pull.

Uncle Hub?

- Don't. I tried to wake him once.

He nearly tore my head off.

Leave him for a few minutes.

What are you doing

out here so late?

What's wrong with him?

Well, a man's body may grow old...

...but inside his spirit can still be

as young and restless as ever.

And him...

...in his day, he had more spirit...

...than 20 men.

It looks like

he's looking for something.

Mm-hm.

- What?

He's looking for her.

Who? What was her name?

Jasmine.

Okay, tell me.

You want me to tell you the story?

Now?

That'd take days.

Uh, well, uh...

Hub was always

too restless for Texas.

He convinced our folks...

...that he needed to go to Europe...

...and I needed to come along.

That was the summer of 1914.

Extra, extra. Germany invades.

Unfortunately,

just as we arrived in France...

...so did the Kaiser

and the entire German Army.

I wanted to go home...

...but Hub said

we should tour Europe...

...one step ahead of the Germans.

And we did. What a time that was.

There were these girls

in Toulon, twins. And they...

Anyway, we eventually, uh,

wound up in Marseilles...

...with passages booked

on the last ship out of Europe.

And Hub, he decided

that we should spend our last night...

...enjoying the local nightlife.

He made friends

with these soldiers...

...and they bought us some drinks.

Strong, strange drinks.

We woke up on a ship...

...bound for North Africa,

shanghaied.

- Shanghaied?

Yeah.

We found ourselves

in the French Foreign Legion.

"It's all my fault," Hub said,

but he told me not to worry.

He'd make sure

nothing happened to me.

We fought many battles

against overwhelming odds.

He saved my life countless times.

When the w*r was over,

we both went our separate ways.

I ended up leading safaris, mostly

for writers and, uh, Hollywood folk.

But that was too tame for Hub.

He got commissions...

...from the new

North African governments...

...to put an end to the sl*ve trade.

No one, sl*ve trader or Bedouin...

...had ever seen anything

like this mad American...

...who fought like 20 men.

Hey.

What the hell are you two doing

out here in the middle of the night?

Just enjoying the cool night air.

Either one of you

got a lick of sense...

...go to bed.

Dear Walter...

...how are you?

Found your uncles' money yet?

Here I am at school in Fort Worth...

...my nose

to the court-reporting grind...

Damn it, brother, I'm not

going anywhere looking like this.

Look like a damn sharecropper.

Ha, ha.

We're gardeners.

This is what gardeners wear.

I bought you some clothes too.

They're in your room.

Think how good

all these vegetables are gonna taste.

Peas, beans...

...squash, tomatoes.

- Yeah.

- What's this row?

Beets.

Beets?

- Yeah.

And what about this row?

Potatoes.

Potatoes?

Yeah.

Wait one damn minute here.

- What's this row here?

- Tomatoes.

Tomatoes?

- Yeah.

That's lettuce, squash,

sweet potatoes, carrots, bok choy.

- Bok Choy? What is that?

- Chinese cabbage.

- Hey, that row looks right.

- Yeah, well, this is corn.

All those seeds did look alike,

come to think of it.

- Yeah, like corn.

Boy...

...that seed salesman

sure saw us coming.

No, saw you coming.

Corn, corn, corn.

Nothing but corn.

Corn. Corn.

By God, it's here.

Kid, help him unload.

We'll be right back.

Careful, kid. He's a man-eater.

Is this the McCann place?

We brought your lion.

King of the beasts.

Terror of the jungle.

You bought a lion? A used lion?

Stand back, kid, you don't

wanna get mauled and eaten.

- What are you doing?

Brother...

...this is the best idea you ever had.

This lion head will sure look good

hanging over our fireplace.

What fireplace?

You don't have a fireplace.

We'll buy one.

- You're gonna sh**t it?

- Well, be seeing you.

He's in there, all right.

- I don't think this is very sporting.

Kid, at our age,

this is as sporting as we get.

Walter, come here.

When I give the word, pull this.

Pull.

Hey.

Come on out of there.

Hey, you in the crate.

Get your lion butt out of there.

Looks awful tame.

This lion's no good.

It's- It's defective.

- It's alive, that's the main thing.

- Go ahead and sh**t it then.

No, it wouldn't be sporting,

sh**ting it inside a crate.

Looks kind of old...

...worn-out looking.

Some kind of lion hunt this is.

Perfect. A reject.

Some sick zoo cast-off.

So can I keep him?

I'll look after him and take care of him

and feed him and everything.

I never had a pet

of my very own before.

So, kid, you wanna take care of it,

nurse it back to health?

Good. Then we sh**t it.

That's some lion you bought.

That's some garden seeds

you bought.

Don't worry, they're not as bad

as they seem right at first.

I'll be right back with supper.

There. Now you can see out.

You sure he can't get out?

She. It's a girl lion.

I named her Jasmine.

What'd you just say?

It seemed like a good name

for a lion.

I'm sorry it took a while to come in.

In 40 years, I never had a call for it.

Purina Lion Chow.

I'll be.

If you wait a few minutes,

my boys will load you up.

I got it.

Garth, pay the man.

Hub, be careful.

Mr. McCann, those are bags

that weigh 50 pounds apiece.

Take the other end.

Here we go.

If you two old ladies wanna get in,

I'll take you home now.

Hub.

Psst.

Psst.

Little boy.

You're with those

McCann brothers?

I know that they're

ex-Mafia hit men.

They're on the run with millions

that they stole from Al Capone.

Be careful.

Tell me more about Africa.

About you and Uncle Hub

and Jasmine.

Why would a smart kid like you

wanna hear hokey old stories?

What else do we have to do?

Where was I?

"No one, sl*ve trader or Bedouin...

...had ever seen anything

like this mad American...

...who fought like 20 men."

Yeah, right, right, right.

Well, it so happened...

...one of the women that Hub freed...

...was handmaiden to a princess.

When she told her mistress

the story of her rescue...

...most of all, she told her about

the handsome, heroic American.

"I must meet this man,"

the princess said.

One day, Hub was riding

his horse along the Mediterranean...

...when out of nowhere,

another rider came up alongside.

But you know Hub. He wasn't

about to let a chance pass.

It became a race.

Most people say that Hub

was the best rider in North Africa.

But this other rider

kept neck and neck...

...as the race went on and on.

Then the two horses collided.

The riders went flying into the sea.

Hub leaped to his feet

ready for anything...

...or so he thought.

This was the princess...

...the most beautiful woman

he had ever seen.

Jasmine.

Jasmine.

Many people say there's

no such thing nowadays...

...it's something

you only find in stories...

...but when these two set eyes

on each other for the first time...

...this was honest to God,

no kidding, sure enough...

...once in a lifetime...

...love at first sight.

Wait a minute. If it was true love...

...they would've been married

and lived happily ever after, right?

Aren't you getting

ahead of the story?

- Okay, keep going.

- Well...

...things weren't easy for them

back then.

She was promised

to another man...

...a powerful sheik

in a neighboring kingdom.

He heard that Jasmine

was in love with another...

...so he threatened her father...

...and took Jasmine off

to his kingdom...

...and locked her up in his harem.

She told the other wives

that she would rather die...

...than marry this heartless sheik.

She had a knife on her.

And when

he came for her that night...

...she was going

to slit her own throat.

What did Uncle Hub do?

They got married,

and lived happily ever after.

The end.

But wait...

...if they lived happily ever after...

...then they got married, and she'd

be here right now with us, right?

Didn't they have kids?

Where are they?

Nurse? What's going on?

I wish they'd tell us something.

Get out of my face!

Where'd you put my damn pants?

Where's my pants?

You can't do that.

Give me my pants.

Who put me in here?

Who put me in here? You two.

Hospitals, lot of good they are.

How would you know? You're never

in one long enough to find out.

Hey, you missed the turn.

- I did not.

- Home is that way.

I wanna go this way.

Doctor, um, where is Mr. McCann?

Oh, I'm afraid he's gone.

Well, he led a long full life.

- Where is the body?

- No, he's gone. Left.

Mr. McCann checked himself out.

Left?

Brother...

...someday you're gonna have

to start acting your age.

What the hell does that mean?

All your life, you've never been

frightened of anything.

So what's eating at you now?

Getting old?

- Dying?

- Hell, no.

- What, then?

- Being useless.

When we were young

there was a reason...

...there was a point.

Things made sense.

Now there's no point to anything.

So, what do we do? We garden.

We outlived our time, brother.

Go get some beers.

All right.

Hey, old man...

...how's that barbeque?

Give me some.

We're busy, boy. Get lost, all right?

What did you say?

Here's a perfect example

of what I've been talking about.

Since this boy was suckling

on his momma's tit...

...he's been given

everything but discipline.

And now his idea

of courage and manhood...

...is to get together with

a bunch of punk friends...

...and ride around irritating folks...

...too good-natured

to put a stop to it. Ha, ha.

Hey, who do you

think you are, huh?

- Just a dumb kid, Hub, don't k*ll him.

- Right.

Ha- Oh!

Hub McCann.

Fought in two world wars...

...and countless

smaller ones on three continents.

I led thousands of men

into battle with everything...

...from horses and swords

to a*tillery and tanks.

I've seen the headwaters

of the Nile...

...and tribes of natives that

no white man had ever seen before.

I've won and lost a dozen fortunes...

...k*lled many men...

...and loved only one woman...

...with a passion a flea like you

could never begin to understand.

That's who I am.

Now, go home, boy.

We'll show these

old b*stards whose tough.

- Get out your knife.

Yeah.

Now, boys...

...you're fixing to let

those teenage hormones...

...get you into a world of trouble.

Damn it, Garth.

Did I ask you to butt in?

Hub, you just

come out of the hospital.

Well, there's, uh-

There's only four of them.

Yeah, but, look,

you fight this one first.

And then I'll let you fight

the other three after, okay?

Yeah. Watch this, kid.

Now, you.

You better pick that knife up...

...because, son, heh, you're gonna

need all the help you can get.

- Come on, Frankie.

- Get him.

sh**t, oldest trick in the book.

Oh! Okay, okay.

You hold it wrong, son. Not like this.

You always do it like this. Smooth.

- Try it again.

Come on, Frankie.

Come on, Frankie, get him.

- Cut him

Come on. Okay.

Get him, Frankie, cut him.

- You got him. Frankie, come on.

- Stop, stop. Aah!

- You're breaking his arm.

You three had better

get in there and help him.

Why aren't you helping him?

Hub always hogs the bad guys.

He's selfish that way.

But there's four of them.

Three of them.

Go on, Hub. Hey, there's my boy.

Like this, kid? Pretty good, huh?

- Couldn't you share?

- No.

After 40 years, I'm used to it.

Aah!

Besides, right now, I figure

he needs them worse than I do.

Go on, Hub.

This will hold him though.

- This will hold him.

Please. Please.

They're not back yet, Daddy.

I'm sure with Hub

just out of the hospital...

...they're taking it slow

and easy on the way home.

Yeah.

Oh, I hate this house. I hate it.

When those two finally

drop dead...

...I want you to burn this place

to the ground, Daddy.

Hey, what's that?

Beats me.

- Let's tear it up.

- Yeah.

- What is it?

- It's stuffed.

Mom! Mom!

He's alive.

- What? Ugh.

What have I told you about

those lies of yours?

No. Get away.

Hey, don't step on my shoes.

What have you done

with Uncle Hub?

Kid, get some meat.

Where's Uncle Hub?

Oh, Lord, there's been an accident.

I want to go home now.

You're in no shape to go home now.

It was a fight.

Uncle Hub won. It was great.

The lion really did try to eat us.

Shush.

- Jasmine?

Oh, Jasmine.

I haven't fed her all day.

I bet she's really hungry.

I gotta go feed her.

Here, here.

Here you go, Jasmine.

Jasmine?

- There really is a lion.

Lion? You got a lion?

- It's locked up.

- No, it isn't. It tried to eat us.

- It really tried to eat us.

Get the g*ns.

Get out of the way.

Get the g*ns.

Come here, come here.

Jasmine?

Jasmine? Jasmine? Jasmine?

Come on. Oh.

Ew, lion spit. No, ha, stop.

Don't sh**t, you'll hit him.

Come on. Whoa.

They're gone.

- We might be too late.

- Move in.

You stay. Stay.

Jasmine. Ha, ow.

Ew. Stop, stop.

Attack him.

She's feeling a lot better.

Get off of me.

We're leaving.

And we are not coming back

until you get rid of that monster.

- Well, the lion stays.

- Ha, ha.

All right, that's it. Come on, Daddy.

Daddy! Come on.

Bye, Uncle Hub. Bye, Uncle Garth.

Shut up. Get in the car.

I need a drink bad.

I'm having a bad day.

You boys hungry?

- Wanna stay for supper?

- What are we gonna eat?

Meat.

A lot of meat.

She won't come out of the cornfield.

This cornfield's the closest thing

to a jungle she's ever seen.

She knows this is where

she belongs.

- I think she's happy.

I think she is.

What about you? You happy?

What's he saying to them?

- He's giving them his...

..."What every boy needs to know

about being a man" speech.

A lot of men have heard

that speech over the years.

A lot of men.

- Will he give that speech to me?

Oh, I guarantee it.

Assuming he's still around,

of course.

Hey, you didn't finish that story

about Uncle Hub and Jasmine.

- You don't believe this Africa stuff?

- It's a good story.

Well, after he rescued Jasmine...

...several years passed,

wonderful years.

Never were two people so happy...

...so in love.

It was perfect.

Except for one thing.

- The sheik.

- The sheik.

He hated Hub

for stealing Jasmine...

...so he put a price on Hub's head:

Ten thousand pieces of gold.

A fortune.

Assassins came from miles around.

Come on.

He and Jasmine

had to be on guard...

...every minute of every day.

Hub knew he and Jasmine

couldn't run forever...

...that sooner or later

their luck would run out.

There was only one thing to do.

So one day an assassin led Hub,

bound in chains...

...into the sheik's fortress...

...to claim his 10,000 pieces of gold.

What?

They gave the assassin

bags and bags of gold...

...as the sheik ordered Hub...

...down to the notorious

Dungeon of 1387 Tortures.

What kind of greedy, no-good scum

would turn in Uncle Hub for money?

Well, I would.

Ah, it was a trick.

Yeah, it was a trick.

In the dungeon, I drew my sword...

...and single-handedly

slaughtered everyone in there...

...and freed Hub without dropping

a single gold coin.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You saved Uncle Hub...

...all this time carrying

hundreds of pounds of gold?

You don't believe I k*lled

all those men and saved Hub?

Well, Hub might've helped

just a little.

We were greatly outnumbered.

We fought against incredible odds.

And when it was over, we split up.

Each one knew

what the other had to do.

High in his opulent bedchamber...

...the sheik slept.

He awoke with Hub's sword

across his throat.

The sheik was terrified...

...but Hub just lowered his blade.

"Defend yourself," Hub cried.

And he threw the sheik a sword.

The sheik knew

that he would surely die now...

...without even the right

to beg for mercy.

But Hub just said:

"Twice I have held

your life in my hands...

...and twice I have

given it back to you.

The next time...

Your life is mine.

And from that moment on...

...the assassination attempts

stopped.

Some say it was

because the sheik...

...was afraid that Hub

would return and k*ll him.

Others said because Hub

had spared his life...

...the sheik did the honorable thing

and let his enemy live.

Personally, I think it's because...

...the sheik was so damn busy once

they discovered oil in his kingdom.

He became one of

the five richest men in the world.

What? The bad guy gets filthy rich?

What the heck kind of story

ends that way?

I just told it the way it happened.

Bye.

So long.

So that's how you got

all your money?

- The gold from the sheik?

- Well...

Yeah.

Those young men

will be okay now.

- Will you?

- Yeah.

I feel old and worn out. Mm.

- You've been busy.

- Yeah.

Terrorizing doctors and nurses...

...beating up teenagers,

chasing after lions.

You've had a full day.

Lucky those boys don't know

diddly-squat about fighting.

Won't be long till the kid here

can whup my a*s.

Won't be long till I'll be

helpless in a fight. Useless.

You'll feel better in a day or two.

Yeah, well...

...I'm going to bed. Good night, kid.

So, ahem...

...you finally gonna tell me

what happened to Jasmine?

- Nope.

- What?

You wanna know

what happened to Jasmine...

...you're gonna have to ask him.

Ask Uncle Hub?

Are you crazy?

Look what happened last time.

I'm tired of doing

all the dirty work around here.

If you wanna hear

the end of this story...

...you're gonna have to ask him.

Hub?

- Yeah?

An airplane?

- Yep, always wanted one.

You always said you'd

never set foot in an airplane.

You don't trust them

to fall right out of the sky.

They're dangerous, all right,

plenty dangerous.

You got a book

of instructions or something?

Yeah, right here.

You don't know

a damn thing about airplanes.

Well, I'm gonna learn, I tell you.

Aha. It says right here:

"To climb, pull back on the stick.

To descend,

push forward on the stick."

I'll have this thing up

in the air in no time.

Whoo. Damn.

Maybe it's just a new hobby.

Maybe he doesn't really mean to...

...you know, do something crazy.

You think so?

You ask him yet?

About Jasmine?

You'd better make it quick.

What the hell?

It's the middle of the night.

What's the matter?

What are you doing here?

You got something to say to me?

Spit it out.

What happened to her,

Uncle Hub?

What happened to Jasmine?

I have to know. I have to.

She died.

Died in childbirth.

Her and the baby.

What did you do?

Went back to the only life

I knew. Back to the Legion.

For the next 40 years, there was

always one more w*r to fight.

Then I got old and came here.

Here I am.

Here I am.

You cold, son?

You'd better- Here.

You'd better-

You'd better go inside.

Good boy, thank you. Good boy.

Those stories about Africa...

...about you...

...they're true, aren't they?

- Doesn't matter.

- It does too.

Around my mom, all I hear is lies.

I don't know what to believe in.

If you wanna believe in something,

then believe in it.

Just because something isn't true,

that's no reason you can't believe in it.

All right.

There's a long speech

I give to young men...

...sounds like you need

to hear a piece of it.

Just a piece.

Sometimes the things

that may or may not be true...

...are the things that a man needs

to believe in the most.

That people are basically good.

That honor...

...courage and virtue

mean everything.

That power and money,

money and power mean nothing.

That good always triumphs

over evil.

And I want you to remember this,

that love...

True love never dies.

You remember that, boy.

You remember that.

Doesn't matter if it's true or not.

You see...

...a man should believe

in those things, because...

...those are the things

worth believing in.

Got that?

That was a good speech.

Think so? Thanks.

Yeah...

When are you gonna give me

the rest of the speech?

When you're almost a man.

- You promise?

- Wait one minute here. Wait-

I can't be a good man until you

give me the rest of the speech, right?

You need to stick around until I'm

old enough to hear the whole thing.

- I see what you're trying to pull.

- You have to stick around...

- ... until I'm old enough.

- I'll write it down.

No. I want you

to give me the speech.

You won't be living here then.

You're my uncle. I need you

to stick around and be my uncle.

What about Uncle Garth?

He needs you.

What about the dogs

and the pig...

...and the lion?

We all need you. I need you.

- No, you're just being silly.

- No, it's true.

- You're being silly.

- It's true.

I know you miss Jasmine

an awful, awful lot.

But if you go...

...we'll miss you just as much.

It's true.

All right, damn it, you win.

I'll stick around

and be your damn uncle.

Don't expect me

to be happy about it.

All right? Deal?

You're a good boy.

You're a good boy.

You're a good boy.

Walter, Walter. Get ready. Walter.

This money look stolen to you?

Oh, honey, you're so funny.

No.

Whoo.

Oh!

Shh, quiet.

- Mom.

Hi, honey.

Walter, Walter, this is Stan.

I've heard a lot about you, Walter.

Heh.

Your uncles still sleeping?

Best not wake them up.

Shh, come on.

Wanna go sit down?

You got so big.

So Stan here is a detective.

A real private eye,

just like in the movies.

- Wow, really?

- Sure, sure.

You wanna see my badge?

Stan works in Las Vegas.

How about that?

- What about court reporting school?

Oh, I had to quit.

Stan wants me to stay home

and be a wife and mother. Ha, ha.

Won't that be wonderful?

I bet you found out where

your uncles hid all that money, huh?

Why do you wanna know?

Walt, your uncles

match the description...

...of two bank robbers

from the '20s and '30s.

- No, you're wrong.

- When Mae told me about them...

...I got copies of the reports

and showed them to her.

It's them, honey.

They used shotguns.

They wore disguises.

They stole all that money.

And they shot people...

...innocent people.

No, not them. It can't be.

Stan knows

what he's talking about, honey.

What about Jasmine?

She and Uncle Hub

were in love. They-

- I have her picture.

- Honey, wasn't Jasmine...

...the woman who was driving

the getaway car?

- Oh, right.

Oh, Jasmine.

She was wounded.

And they just drove off...

...and left her for dead.

I know this hurts, son.

But they're criminals,

and they lied to you.

My poor baby.

Oh, in the arms

of vicious criminals.

We came just as soon

as we found out.

We've come to take you away.

Now, I want you to tell Stan...

...where the money is,

then we'll go pack your things, okay?

Why do you need to know

where the money is?

Look at me, son.

Because it doesn't belong to them.

It's stolen.

Why, it's probably hidden

right outside here somewhere, right?

Close by?

I'll tell you what, uh,

why don't we take a little walk, huh?

Show us around the place.

- What do you say?

Let's go.

Well, Walt, your mother

and I found a nice house.

Don't have enough money

for the down payment though.

We could always turn your uncles in

for the reward money...

...but they'd go to jail.

Since all that money's

stolen, honey...

...we got a right to it

just as much as they do.

We'll have a nice family

and nobody gets hurt.

Isn't it wonderful, Walter?

It's what we always wanted.

So where is it?

Come on. They're old,

they're gonna die soon anyway.

You want Uncle Sam

to end up with that dough?

Just tell us.

Hub and Garth didn't rob any banks.

They were in Africa.

Africa? Oh, Walter, be serious.

Really. They were shanghaied

into the Foreign Legion...

...and had adventures for 40 years.

They couldn't have robbed banks.

Come on. You don't believe all that,

do you?

- Sure, I do.

- You? Mr. Doubting Thomas?

Here Stan's got actual evidence,

and you believe that Africa crap?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Mae, you should go wait

on the porch.

We're gonna have

a little chat, man to man.

Why don't we talk in the barn?

What do you say?

Come on.

Getting warmer? Huh?

No, let go.

Let's you and me

get something straight.

We can be friends

or we can be enemies.

I've had a run of crummy luck lately.

I know some bad people who

wanna cause a lot of trouble for me.

I need that money,

and I know it's close.

And I'll be damned if some...

...snot-nosed kid

is gonna stand in my way.

So, what's it gonna be, pal?

Friends or enemies?

- Defend yourself.

- Huh?

Where is it?

Where's the money? Where is it?

Where is it? Where is it?

Tell me where it is.

Tell me where it is.

Where is it?

I heard some noise.

Oh, God.

Jasmine?

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness. Stan.

It's dead.

Oh, my God, he's dead.

Stan's dead.

He'll live. I'm talking about the lion.

Oh!

We have to get him to the hospital.

Mae, get your car.

- I can't, I can't.

- Mae, your car.

- Get it, get it.

- Okay, okay.

Let's get this lion off him.

Okay.

- This man's gonna need stitches.

- A lot of damn stitches.

What happened to her?

Looks like her heart gave out

in all the excitement.

- Yeah.

- She was plenty old, you know?

Look.

I think she's smiling.

Yeah. I guess she died happy.

She died with her boots on,

that's the main thing.

Protecting her cub.

She was a real lion, wasn't she?

There at the end.

Sure.

A real jungle lion.

A real Africa lion.

You finished packing?

Your momma's gonna

be back from the hospital soon.

You can wait for her

on the front porch.

Stay right here.

Don't you move a muscle.

So you all packed?

Where's your suitcase?

Don't be fresh.

- Upstairs in my room.

- Well, let's go get it.

Howdy, Stan.

You know, you're lucky, Stan.

Lucky that lion got to you

before we did.

I wonder what your uncles

are saying to Stan.

Probably their "What every boy needs

to know about being a man" speech.

Well, I'm glad to see

they're making friends.

So you all set?

Let's go.

To make a long story short, Stan,

you and me, we can be friends...

...or we can be enemies.

Well, boys, I hope Walter

wasn't too much trouble.

We managed.

- What's gonna happen to him?

A man like that's got no business

being around your boy.

Well, of course not.

What kind of mother would I be?

I'm gonna drop him off

in Las Vegas.

I'll be back for the...

...rest of that speech if...

I'll be here.

Good boy.

Thanks for the stories...

...and everything. It- it-

It meant an-

An awful, awful lot.

I'm glad.

Well, come on, honey.

We're burning daylight.

Damn. She doesn't deserve that kid.

Maybe we should get a lawyer.

No judge is gonna take a child

away from its mother...

...and give it

to two old bachelor uncles.

Maybe she'll sell him to us.

How much money we got?

Hub.

There's nothing we can do.

He's gone.

- So where are we going?

- I told you, Las Vegas.

I mean after. After we drop Stan off.

Well, honey, ugh, Stan's gonna

need a lot of looking after.

Walter!

What are you doing?

Oh, my God.

Walter! Walter!

Walter, stop!

Stop right there!

What's gotten into you?

Oh, honey, are you all right?

You gave me a heart attack.

You're still marrying him

after everything.

Oh, he's not so bad.

A little rough around the edges,

but he can change.

Mom!

He says he loves me.

- Has he hit you yet?

- Mind your own business.

You always think a new boyfriend

solves everything...

...but you always pick losers,

and he's the worst of them all.

Walter, I had no choice.

Maybe you don't.

What?

- Mom?

- What?

Do something for me.

For once.

Do something that's best for me.

Okay?

Salesmen ought to be here

in two, three hours.

Whoop-de-doo.

Lookie yonder.

Okay, if I'm gonna live here...

...there's gonna be

some conditions.

Conditions? Ha.

One, you two gotta stick around...

...until I'm through

with high school at least...

...preferably college.

You both got responsibilities now:

PTA, Boy Scouts, Little League...

...the works.

Sounds like we don't have

much choice.

Two, you both gotta take

better care of yourselves.

More vegetables, less meat.

I wonder if, uh, traveling salesmen

sells school supplies?

And three,

no more dangerous stuff.

- No fighting teenagers, no airplanes-

- Now, wait one minute.

At least till I'm through with college.

- Maybe longer.

- What do you expect us to die of?

Old age?

Well...

Welcome home.

Hello?

Walter?

Yes?

This is Sheriff Grady.

I'm afraid I have

some bad news for you.

It's about your two uncles.

Uh, I'm sorry, they passed away.

There was an accident...

...and it's a blessing

that they didn't suffer.

It's a blessing too,

in a way, that they went together.

You understand.

I'm over here

at your uncles' place now.

You need to come on over here.

You need to see this for yourself.

Walter?

- How you doing?

All right.

Best I can figure,

they were trying to fly...

...through that barn upside down.

Had a bunch of reporters

out here earlier, even CNN.

I guess any time a biplane...

...from the First World w*r

crashes doing acrobatics...

...being flown by two

90-year-old men-

Neither one of them

with pilot's licenses.

- well... Ha-ha-ha.

Well, they had a good long run,

both of them.

They went out with their boots on.

Ha, ha.

Here. I found their will.

"The kid gets it all.

Just plant us in the damn garden...

...with the stupid lion."

Hey.

We've got some company.

This is it.

This is where they lived.

It's okay. Come here, buddy.

Come here. Look at this.

Look at this.

Uh, forgive me.

We were in Houston when we heard

their names on the news...

...and, well, we just had to come.

When I was a boy,

my grandfather told me such stories.

- Your grandfather?

- A very wealthy sheik.

He used to love to tell me stories

about his wild youth.

Amazing, unbelievable stories

all about two brothers...

...Hub and Garth McCann...

...the most valiant

and brave men, huh?

He called them his

most honored adversaries.

"The only men who outsmarted me."

Wait, so you-?

You knew these two men?

They raised me.

It's an honor. Ha, ha.

- Nice to meet you.

- It's nice to meet you.

Wow.

Aha.

I see they spent

my grandfather's gold wisely.

Yeah.

Well, there was this one

traveling salesman.

So...

...the two men from

great-grandfather's stories...

...they really lived?

Yeah.

They really lived.