02x08 - Shadow Acting

[bunniefuu]

- [birds chirping]
- [traffic]

- [phone alarm rings]

- [Edmund switches alarm off]

- ♪

- It's like I'm living with
present-day Randy Quaid.

- [squish]
- Oh!

What is my life?

Ow! My toe... f*ck!

- Brian Dennehy could get it!

- What?
- What?

Edmund, why are you
so g*dd*mn noisy?

- I'm so sorry to wake
you from your slumber,

but I can't leave your room
without catching Hep C!

- NORA: [giggles] Good one.

- No, Nora. Your room is foul.

And if you don't
clean your room today,

I'm throwing all of
your sh*t outside

and advertising it on a pole.

- Correct me if I'm wrong, but
you're living under my "ruff."

- Your what?
- My "ruff."

- Why are you saying
"roof" like that?

Also, I am aware that
you, and Uncle Wally,

and Grandma are housing
me at the moment.

But you can't make me feel bad
about it because you don't know

what it's like to be
a struggling actor.

- Okay, well, just because I'm
not an actor doesn't mean that

I'm not struggling.

The whole city's
struggling, Edmund!

- Yeah, okay, I get that.

I'm sorry, I think I'm still
adjusting to being canceled.

And your personal hygiene and
your overall way of being,

it's honestly sad.

- Messiness is a
sign of intelligence.

And in the 2000's,

girls can be both messy
and intelligent as well.

- Is that a chicken nugget?

- I think I can
eat it from here.

- Don't.[gags] Augh! No!

- ♪

♪♪

- [oldies play on radio]

- Hey, hey, hey! You
love my French toast.

Why are you scarfing
down all that sausage?

- Ma, I told you, no
carbs, all protein.

I'm trying to get bigger.

- So you can show off
at your little reunion?

- Ma, it's not a whole reunion.
It's just me and my buddies

from my old college
Asian Association.

They are very successful
and very together right now.

- Oh, I remember those
guys. They were huge dorks.

Didn't one guy dress up

like Charlie Chaplin
for a whole year?

- We were all dorks back then.

- What kind of Chinese mother
names her son Jacque, anyway?

"Hello, I'm Jacque. I'm
a silly French person."

- You know, I can't come up with
a big career or fancy threads.

But I can be in at least as
good a shape as those two.

And if I can hold my own,
then it could be a lot of fun

reliving the old days and all
the good times we had together.

I was thick as thieves
with those two.

- Thick as dorks.

- ♪

- ♪

- Hello. Do you know
where I am supposed to be?

- Sorry, what?
- I was wondering if

I might know where
my pop-up trailer is?

- Are you River Corpse #2?

- No.

- What's your name?
- Ed Lin.

- You're a shadow actor?
- That's right.

- [laughs] Yeah, good one, bro.

Your folding stool should
be somewhere over there.

- Is that good?

- [Ed's stomach rumbles]
- Ooh. Do you guys, um...

Do you guys know
where the bathroom is?

Oh, okay. Oh.

- APP VOICE: You have arrived.

- I have arrived
with the sandwiches.

All right.

- [rap music plays on radio]

- [horn honks]

- CAR ALARM: Stand back
from Car-rie Underwood.

Car-rie Underwood disarmed.

- ♪

- NORA: Ah! The
Casualty Network.

Whoa! That's so cool.

Oh wow, a real TV
set. This is awesome.

- We gotta move.
I'm ready to sh**t.

What's the hold-up?

- We're waiting on the shadow
re-enactor to get off the john.

- Hello? Hello?

Has anyone ordered
Jersey Mike's?

Jersey Mike's, a footlong?

Ow! Oh, f*ck, cracked my back.

- Wait a second. She'll work.

Let's sh**t it.
- Great.

Let's go for one, guys.
- [bell rings]

- Hey, you're an actor now.
- What?

- Just do what you're doing.
- Do what I'm doing?

- Yeah, f*ck the other
guy. Let's roll on her.

- f*ck the other guy! Quiet
on set! Everybody quiet!

- ROMAN: And action!

- Like this?

- Nora?

What the f*ck are
you doing here?

- [Ed's stomach rumbles]
- [fart, sh*t squirts]

- Oh, I have cauldron a*s.

- Hey, kids. How was
your day at work?

- It was fine.

- It was good.

- Okay.

Okay, what happened?

- It's a long story,
but basically I...

- Basically, Nora
miraculously showed up

at my job and was
cast on the spot

as Strangle Victim #1.

- I mean, I kind of
auditioned for it.

- Yeah, well, I had to go to
three different callbacks!

- Three different
callbacks? So many.

- Whatever. It's... it's fine.

- It was a weird situation.

But if it upsets you this much,
I don't have to do it at all.

- It's fine. I'm fine.
- You sure?

- It's fine. I'm fine.
- Okay.

- Now, I'm going
to take this block

of CTown cholesterol

and masturbate to my
Wisconsin ex-boyfriend-uh!

- Uh.

- ♪

- [loud buzz]

- Wally!

- [both laughing]

- Walrus!

Oh, good to see you, man!

- Walrus? Oh man,

I haven't heard that
nickname in years.

- That night in college, you
got drunk and you sucked straws

in your mouth and barked?

- BOTH: [barking]

- [laughter]

- Hey, you gotta do
that later, Walrus.

- Oh, well, we'll
see, we'll see.

- Come on in, come on in. Check
out the rest of the abode.

- [others exclaim]
- Wayne is in the house!

- Wow.

- I decked it out with
top-of-the-line electronics.

- Wayne, this is nice.

- ALL: Whoa!

- Still hot. Am I right?

- Tia Carrere, the


[laughs]
- Check this.

- ["Show me love"
by Robin S. Plays]

- Oh, wow!

- Surround sound,
baby! Isn't it dope?

- Yeah! Dope!

- Porn sounds sick on it!

- Yeah, I bet!

- Hey, all right, all right,
enough showing off, Wayne.

Come on.

- Yeah, all right,
all right, all right.

Uh, let's go drink
and catch up, huh?

- Yeah, sure!
- Whiskey sours, huh?

- ALL: Whiskey sours!

- Whoa, you look good, man.

- Yeah, dude, you are jacked!

- No, no.

Thanks. Yeah, I'm
just, you know,

trying to stay healthy
and fit and all that.

You look pretty jacked too.

- Aw, come on.
- [laughs]

- No, man, I need a
better divorce bod.

- Wait, what?

What happened with
you and Wendy?

- A long story, bro.

But one with a
very happy ending.

- Oh yeah?
- I'm free as f*ck!

- [laughter]

- Me too!

- No, wait! What,
you and Patricia?

Oh, man, I'm sorry, you guys.

- Yeah, divorce is the worst.

- Yeah.
- But you know what?

It's really the best thing
that ever happened to me.

- Oh yeah?

- I got two motorcycles now, now
that Patricia's out of my life.

I mean, if I wanna become a
paraplegic, that's my decision.

Mine!

- [laughter]

- You know, Wendy would never
let me wear hats or cheat.

Now I can do both!

- [laughter]

- Here's to being
single, ready to mingle,

and make your
thing-thing tingle.

- That's kind of
gross, but hell yeah!

Hey, you, uh... you
holding out on us, Walrus?

- Oh, no, no.

I started going out with
somebody, for, like, six months.

Brenda.

- Brenda. Ooh, that's
a sexy-a*s name, dog.

- Six months.

That's, like, 100 months
in middle-aged man years.

- [laughter]

- Hey, who else do
you got on the roster?

- On the roster?

- You know, who else
do you got on rotation?

You always have to have
more than three sides.

- Mm, love me some sides.
- Sides?

You mean like women?
- BOTH: Yes!

- Oh! Oh.

Uh, no, no, no, no.

I'm pretty good with
just the one. Yeah.

But she's, like,
really, really pretty.

- They all are.

- [chuckles]
- At first!

- [laughter]

- Boy, you know what, tonight?

We're all single, okay?

Just like back in the day!

- [shouting]

- ♪

♪ Pump up the jam

♪ Pump it up

♪ While your feet
are stomping ♪

♪ And the jam is pumping

♪ Look ahead, the
crowd is jumpin' ♪

- I'm having a
reaction or face gout.

- [cheering]

- Remember that movie?

- [laughter]

- ♪ Make my day

♪ Make my day, make my...

♪ Make my, make, make my day

♪ Make my day

- [cough]

- [laughter]

- WAYNE: The same Wally!

- ♪ Yo! Pump up the jam

♪ Pump it up, pump it up

♪ Yo, pump it,
pump up the jam ♪

♪ Pump it up, pump it up

♪ Yo, pump it

♪ Pump up the jam, pump it up

♪ Pump it up, yo, pump it

♪ Pump up the jam, pump it

♪ Pump it, pump it, pump it

♪

- [indistinct chatter]

- ♪

- [clicking]

- Hey, Edmund, what's wrong?

- EDMUND: Nothing. I just
feel like I suck at this.

- Everyone was laughing
on that last one.

- EDMUND: Yeah, at me!

- It was vulnerable
and charismatic.

- I don't know that an ill-timed
fart can be charismatic, but...

I know this is what I want to
do, that I feel alive doing it.

I just... wonder if
it's worth it, you know?

- Do you love it?

- Yeah. I do.

- Ah, there you are.

- Oh, what up, Pizza Top?

- Yeah, you watch
it there, Goose.

- Lay some eggs. [laughs]

- NICK: Good news, kid.

We start filming the
new season next week

and the director wants you
to play the Nevada Knuckler.

- Me?
- Yeah, good job.

- Really?

- NICK: The director's
gonna be psyched.

- f*cking kidding me.

- Oh my...

- ♪

- JACQUE: Ace, king, queen,

jack of hearts, my friends.

- Whoa!
- That's cool!

Hey, how did you
learn how to do that?

- Oh, I've been listening to
this Penn Gillette podcast.

Crazy stuff.

Now that I'm single, I
have so much free time.

- So, um, was it hard for
you guys to start over?

- At first.

But now I freaking
love being alone.

- Yeah, it's the best.

I've never been happier
and not horny at all.

I have actual sh*t-tons of
meaningless sex, like shitloads.

- Hey, what about you, Walrus?
Where are you living these days?

- I'm still living in Queens.

- Oh yeah, Queens.
Hey, Queens is nice.

It's way cool.

You know, I... I looked
at a building there, LIC,

where all the Mets
live. Gorgeous views!

- I'm still living in the
same house I grew up in.

- You live alone, I hope?
- Mm-mm.

I live with my mom
and my daughter.

- Oh, Nora! Sweet
Nora. What a cute kid.

- Yeah, she's almost 30 now.

- Whoa! Nice!

- Some real Mother
Teresa sh*t right there.

- Good Asian son of the month
kind of thing, am I right?

- Oh, no, it's
nothing like that.

- What are you gonna
do when, you know,

things get serious with Brenda?

- Mm.
- What do you mean?

- You can't have your girlfriend
move into your childhood home.

- Oh, yeah, right.
- With your mom and old kid.

- I guess I never really
thought that far ahead.

- WAYNE: Well, you know what?

You're definitely gonna need
to get your own pad real soon.

- You think so?

- Hey, but don't worry 'cuz,
uh, I've got a great broker.

- [door buzzer]

- Oh!
- Oh!

- I think the main
event has arrived.

- The main event? What's that?

- We got a stripper.

- [laughs] You got a what?

- Don't you worry, Walrus,
she is top of the line!

- Guys, guys, guys,
really, a stripper?

Are you sure?

- Walrus, what happens
in this loft...

- BOTH: stays in this loft!

- No, no, no...

- Hey, here she is!
Welcome Mindy, folks!

- [hoarsely] It's Brandi.
- Hey, Brandi!

- Who called for the party?

- Yeah.
- Hey, sweetie.

- [chuckles]

- Where's the vodka?

- Are you okay? Do
you need a lozenge?

- I just have strep
throat, is all.

Okay if I smoke in here?

Don't worry, they won't
stink up the joint.

They're menthols.

- You guys, this isn't cool.

You know, we're
too old for this.

In fact, I think she's
too old for this.

- Hey, strippers,
they're feminists.

- Huh?

- When did you
become such a prude?

- I am not a prude.

- Okay, prove it.
- Huh?

- Who's up for some Twister?

- I love Twister. Helen
Hunt was so good in that.

You remember that
sitcom "Wings"?

- I love "Wings"!

- ♪

- [knock on door]

- Hi, Edmund.

Listen, can we talk?

- So you're gonna be
the Nevada Knuckler.

- No, I'm not.

- What? What happened?

- I quit.
- Why?

- Because I don't love
it like you love it.

I don't know if I'll ever love
a job like you love acting.

I'm... I'm still searching
for what that thing is.

And... and I just
want you to know

that I love you more
than shadow acting.

- Thanks, Nora.

"The human being who acts is
the human being who lives."

- [whispers] Are you stoned?

- Yeah, I smoked a
ton of your weed.

Oh, I've been up here
for hours. I can't move.

- Whoa, this is kind of
like a "Misery" situation.

I'll come up and join ya.
- No, I 'm heady right now!

- ♪

- Oh, I don't know how much
longer I can hold this position.

- BRANDI: I can do Child's
Pose for, like, seven hours.

Oh, oof!
- What happened?

- Cramp! [groans]
It's my stripping leg.

Aah! Ah, ah, ah!

[grunts]

Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, oh my god.

Oh, yeah, that's it, that's it.

That's it, that's it.

That's it.

- Okay, game over.

- Hey, Wally, where
are you going?

The bathroom's that way.
- Yeah, I think I better go.

- Hey, dude, you
can't just leave.

- Yeah, I gotta go.

You guys, you got a
whole new lease on life.

And we all do.

But I don't wanna f*ck mine up.

I don't wanna be single
and sad and desperate.

I just wanna get
serious with Brenda.

I don't wanna waste
any more time.

I've wasted too
much time already.

I'm gonna ask Brenda if
she wants to live together.

- Wally, good for you.

- Yeah. That is good.

- Brandi, it was "Mad
About You," not "Wings."

- Oh, sh*t!

- [suspenseful music]

- Cut! Cut! Cut.

What are you doing?

- I'm dismembering him.

- I don't know, something's off.

Let's lose the
knife and try a g*n.

- Bring in the g*n.

Okay, reset. And action.

- [suspenseful music]

- ROMAN: No, no, no, no. Cut!

This scene is
garbage. Sorry, Ed.

It's not you, but it is you,
because you're a part of it.

But it's just not
working. Let's go.

- Okay, let's take five.

- [bell rings]

- Psst. Hey, kid?

I know this all sucks.

I hate it here. It's
a f*cking sh*thole.

Truth is, unless you're working
full time for "Law and Order,"

New York sucks for film and TV.

If I didn't share custody
with my ex of my dumbass kid,

I wouldn't live here.

You gotta go to where the jobs
flow like a river after a storm,

where everybody's happy, and
the weather never changes.

Where the blow is as pure
as the fresh Colorado snow.

You feel me?

- Where is this glorious place?

Is it heaven?

It sounds like heaven.

- [angelic choir]

- Nora! Nora! Nora!
- What!

- You know how we always say
that New York isn't all that?

- We don't always say that.

- Yeah, well, okay, if
I'm gonna be acting,

I need to go where the jobs
flow like a river after a storm.

Where everyone is happy, and
the weather never changes,

and the blow is as pure as
the fresh Colorado snow!

Do you feel me?

- Reno, Nevada, baby!
- No, not Reno, Nevada.

No, it's the next best thing.

LA. Los Angeles. Hollywood.

It's been in front of
me this whole time!

- Oh, yeah, for sure, dude. LA.

Uh, if you can make it in that
city, you can make it anywhere.

That's in New York.

Well, you can get... make
a brand-new start of it.

- No, no, no, no!
I've made up my mind.

LA, here I come.

- ♪

- Can't believe this is
my last day in New York

before I go to Los "Anheles."

- Hey, Edmund, make sure
you go to Barney's Beanery.

I hear that Jackson Browne
used to hang out there.

- I'll miss you, Edmund.

- I'll miss you too, Grandma.
And yes, Uncle Wally.

Oh, I'm so excited!

The one thing I'm a little
worried about is being on

that bus for so long.

I'm very prone to bus sickness.

- Not to mention
all the drifters

you're likely to encounter.

Most of them are serial K*llers.

- Really?

- WALLY: Come on,
Ma, he'll be fine.

As long as you
don't fall asleep.

- Oh, sh*t.

I needed to think this
through more. [sobs]

- Wait. I have an idea.

- ED AND GRANDMA: You do?
- You do?

- What if instead of
the bus, I drove you?

- Yes! Oh my god, yes! And
we can take turns driving

and putting our hand out the
window and doing the arm worm.

- No, I only drive my car.
You don't... you can't.

You can do the arm worm, though.

- Deal!
- Really?

- Los Angeles, here we come!

- Yes! Yes!

- [cheers and applause]

- [laughs]

- ♪

♪♪

- Who the [bleep] is Awkwafina?

- ♪

- ♪ MTV