02x04 - The Black and White Movie

[bunniefuu]

ALMA NARRATING:
Since Granny Alice's death,

I've been thinking a lot
about family.

Families can accidentally
leave things unresolved

for a whole lifetime.

I don't want to do that.

I want to know where my dad is.

My dad left when I was a baby to go
cold turkey and become a rock star.

I had no idea who he was.

Grandma, what was my dad like?

Erm...well, from what your mum said,

he was tall, thin
and walked like a moody gorilla.

ALMA NARRATING: Not much to go on.

So I looked at the black and white
movies that me and Grandma loved.

I imagined he was James Dean,

Humphrey Bogart, Cary Grant.

I imagined our first meeting...

Hello, Father.

Dear child.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Then, through some detective work,

I found out where my dad's dad lived
and paid him a visit.

Hello. I'm Alma, your granddaughter.

It didn't go great.

Come on.

ALMA NARRATING: Two decades later,
and I'm not taking no for an answer.

Er, no, not this time!
Give him this letter.

Welcome to the stage...Alma Nuthall!

IMITATES CROWD GOING WILD

Hello, Wembley!

Er...I come from a long line
of eccentric female Boltonians.

LETTERBOX FLAP JUDDERS

One in six of us believe
we've been abducted by aliens.

One in three of us
believe we ARE an alien...

and these are the sane ones!

The only way to describe the rest -
take a...

And as you breathe out,

I would like you to visualise
someone that has wronged you.

And as you breathe in, I would
like you to think of a way

that you could get revenge
on that person.

INHALING DEEPLY

Leanne! Leanne!

It's my dad... Ooh.
..he's replied!

It is important we try to block out
external noise.

Let us all focus
on the healing concept of revenge

whilst I chat with me mate.

Holy sh*t! Tell me everything.

Namaste.

He's written to me.

"Dear Alma, I want to start
by saying how sorry I am.

"I was young and just had to get
out of that town and start again."

Feels reasonable.

"I'm a musician in London now."

Creative - like me.

"I'm married
and I work as a teacher."

He wants to come to Bolton,
and meet me next week.

Holy f*ck! That's intense.

I know! But it's great, int'it?
But where do I go with him?

Do I go for a coffee? A meal?
A beer? I don't know!

And what do I wear? Do you know,

I mean, what do you wear
to meet your long-lost father?

Obviously I want him to think
I'm a beautiful woman of the world

but not so beautiful
he sort of wants to f*ck me,

do you know what I mean?
Bloody hell! Ugh.

Have you not read Take A Break,
Bill?

ALMA SQUEALS WITH EXCITEMENT

Namaste.

Woo!

You look like a Mormon!

Well, I'm...I'm trying to
hide my sensuality, Leanne.

Babe. You're dressed like my nan.
OK.

So, what have your family said
about all this, then?

I've not told them.

The slight mention of my dad
and my mum goes apeshit.

THUD, CROCKERY RATTLES

He's a critter
on the arsehole of a parasite!

He is a f*cking orchid sucking
the life out of all the other plants

until they're shrivelled and ugly
and knackered and dead!

He is a c**t-juggling f*ck-lump!

Could we get the bill, please?

NARRATING: There was a brief period
in the '90s

when she was convinced he was
Richard Ashcroft from The Verve.

I'm telling you, it's him.

The clues were uncanny.

They were both called Richard,
they both lived near Wigan

and they both went to London
to become rock stars.

And of course they were both...

Tall, thin,

and walking like a moody gorilla.

So I wrote to him.

"Dear Dad, I can't wait
to see your face again too.

"And when I do, it'll be great.

"PS. Please will you pick me up
from school in a limo?"

He never replied.

So we went to his concert,

which ended in a restraining order.

We quickly realised
he wasn't my dad

and we'd actively encouraged Mum's
latest bout of delusional psychosis.

But, apparently,
he does look just like him.

Babe, I'd tell your nan.
You might need the support.

Too much?

Oh, Jesus!

Turn.

What the hell are you doing?

He's back!

I can see that.

But why are you waterboarding him
on the lawn?

He's infested.

I had to burn his clothes.

Scabby Joe's got lice.

Turn.

Turn. Bend.

Ooh, no. Oh, no. No, no.

I'm a bloody hotel.

Turn.

You're not like any hotel
I've been to.

The lice, the drugs, the parties.
It's too much at Scabby Joe's.

Dirty b*stards. How's Mum?

She's a paranoid party animal.

Put your arm up.

Urgh! I just need some calm.

Right. 'Ere you are.

I'm not sure you've come
to the right place for that.

Here, get that on.

She'll be following him here.

I've told Jim he can stay,
but Lin's not allowed.

She needs to go back to hospital.

She needs her medication.

What Mum needs is what
she had before austerity -

a little flat
near her support network

with a monthly visit
from a district nurse.

But nowadays they call that...

PEOPLE MOUTHING WORDS:
"a very bespoke package,

"impossible to secure,

"in high demand,

"unattainable,

"unrealistic,

"gold dust."

So she's been left to yo-yo
between this mad place...

..and this one.

Can't have that! Health and safety!

DOOR SLAMS

Neither are good
for her mental health.

And with no access to her bennies,

she's found some alternative
income streams again.

Just get all the best stuff.

sh*t! Pretend we're not 'ere.
Freeze!

Who the f*ck are you?

I'm calling the police.

Leg it!

You! Mum!

I knew I'd find you 'ere,
with the dragon.

Oh, no! No, no, I'm not
having another showdown. No way.

Grandma! Jim, if you're coming,
get in the house now. Right?

I'm really sorry.
I just need a day.

Fine!

f*cking fine!

It's all right, Mum.
Look, we'll go and talk to 'em.

We'll calm it down. Just stay calm.

We'll talk it through... Yes?
..like calm, rational adults. Right.

No shouting. All right.

TAPPING AT WINDOW

We're not available.
Eh?

We're not available.

I just need to talk to Jim.

Go on. Hurry up.

Jim, I need to sell some art

and then we can buy
that caravan in Rhyl.

I know, Lin, but
it's been mad at Scabby Joe's...

Right, that's enough.
Away from the window, Jim! Come on.

Shoo, shoo-shoo. Get out. Go on.
Go on. I'm closing my hatch now.

It's not a hatch, Grandma, is it?
It's a window.

Can...can I come and live back here,
Mum, please!

No! Absolutely not.
Alma, are you coming in?

I'm not just going to leave my mum
here, am I?

Fine. I'm closing my hatch now.

Oh, it's not a hatch,
it's a windo...

Alma, you're going to
have to help me

being as I've been abandoned
by my own mother!

Don't you dare! I've done nothing
but support you over the years,

and all you ever do is let me down.
I'm closing my hatch!

BOTH: It's a window!

Can I come and sell my art
at Leanne's?

Er...I'll ask her. Yeah, maybe.

Do you want to buy some art now?

Not really now, Mum, no.

800 quid.

I've got 20?
Done.

Smashing.

MUSIC: Make U Mine
by Beasts With No Name

We're open in an hour, Bill.
We've got a new menu tonight.

No time for experimenting
with sumac.

Yes, Chef.

Ooh! My dad's coming tomorrow!

I've been imagining this meeting
my whole life -

always in the style of
a black and white movie.

I'd be a waitress.

He'd come in the restaurant where
I worked with a group of mates,

and they'd just fall in love
with me at the table.

You know - my charm, wit, charisma.

He'd say, "You're fantastic.
What's your name?"

I'd say, "Alma...Nuthall."

Then trot off dead sophisticatedly.

He'd say, "That...that's
my daughter!"

and come running after me.

He'd grab hold of my hand
and he'd say,

"My child!
Where have you been all my life?

"You're the most amazing waitress
I've ever met!" And I'd say...

Get off! My God!

I'm trying to saute my matsutake
mushrooms. Give that 'ere.

Sorry, Bill.
It's like being with a fantasist.

Ooh. Another one.

f*ck's sake!

He's dead.

He's made it as a famous rock star

but he dies suddenly
in the height of fame!

I try and fade into the background

and not draw too much attention
to myself,

but star quality has its way.

And, just as they lower the coffin,
I put my hand on my heart.

And at that moment, a paparazzi
shoots me, don't they?

It's all over the papers.

"Who is that gorgeous
mystery woman?"

It's Alma, the daughter
he was forced to abandon

but always loved and deeply missed.

That's a good one.
Yeah. Ooh...

My favourite...

I'm dead!

It's my funeral.
I've got an open casket,

and I'm dead but I look fantastic.

I've died suddenly, tragically,
far too young.

There's thousands of people
in mourning. Thousands!

The priest is in the middle
of a beautiful sermon, when

a rock star comes bursting through
the double doors of the chapel.

Then he turns to the priest
and says,

"Sorry, Father, I have sinned.
Please forgive me."

The priest doesn't forgive him.

He says, "Fair enough.
Please can I sing her a song, then?"

The priest says, "All right, then."

And he sings
the most beautiful song.

SOUND MUTED

Everybody cries.

Alma, get off the bloody table,
please!

How many times have I told you
to get off the bloody furniture?

Ooh, it's going to be great
tomorrow, in't it?

I just need to be cool, calm,
confident, collected.

PHONE DIALS OUT

Word? Hiya, Leanne!

Erm, I'm about to meet my dad
in half an hour

but I seem to be stuck
in the foetal position again.

OK, babe. Well, don't think
about meeting your dad.

Think about getting up
off the floor. Baby steps.

Right, OK. Erm, so I...I...I'm
just going to swivel to seating.

Yeah. Perfect.
Very casual.

Just a very calm,
casual seating swivel.

I-I-I'm not ready actually to stand
up yet, so I'm just going to...

Do you know what? I'm going to
shuffle to my ciggies. Gorgeous.

Just a very loosey-goosey
shuffle in to her ciggies.

Fabulous. This is fine.

Easy-breezy, loosey-goosey...

I'm just going to have
a quick cigarette. OK. Right.

Relaxed.

You're not Richard, are you?

No. No...

GIBBERS

I...knew, really. Too old.

Not that that's a problem! Your age
is fabulous. It's fine for you.

For anyone!

I'm just waiting for somebody,
sort of...

But I'm not on a date.

Sort of a blind date, isn't it?
But still... Anyway...

Urgh! Eey.

Nice out there, eh?!

I look like a mop.

Well, I'll have a...large whisky...
Oh, no...

..and a Guinness, please.

One more, please.

Hello.

Alma? Yes. f*ck!

Yeah.

Er...er, sorry, I'm super wet.

Oh, yeah, you do look wet. Yeah.

Why aren't you wet? Brolly.

Clever. Yes. Bolton.

You have to have a brolly.
Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Drink? Definitely!

HE SIGHS

You really do look like your mum.
Oh, right.

Yeah, it's quite scary actually.

We've got the same chin, though,
have you noticed? No.

Oh, having said that,
I do have a good chin.

Yeah.

I've never seen my chin
on someone else before.

No.

Hey, I was thinking, you know,

I should take you
to the aquarium at some point

cos my dad used to take me
when I was little.

Aye, OK. Yeah, maybe.

CLICKS FINGERS

Let's go now!

Now? Yeah.
Let's go and see some f*cking fish!

MUMBLES: O...OK. Woo! All right.

OK. What, right now? Aha.

Aw, this is terrible.

I can't believe my dad
used to bring me here.

It's like they're all in prison.

Look at that guy.

"This active and peaceful
rainbow fish can be found

"in the freshwater lakes of
Papua New Guinea."

See, what's he doing here?

Oof. I need a drink.

Er, excuse me.
You can't smoke in here.

You can't NOT smoke in here, eh?

Have you looked into the eyes
of that rainbow fish?

Oh, that fish, though...

..with its sad eyes.

That's how I used to feel in Bolton.

Like an exotic fish
trapped in a bowl.

Bowl...town.

Yeah.

I feel like that sometimes.

Yeah, well, makes sense, don't it?
You are my daughter, after all.

Even if you are a weird fish.

An exotic fish. Not a weird fish.

Hey, I tell you
who was a weird fish.

Your mum.

Yeah.

Yeah. It's a shame what happened
to her, you know.

Cos, you know, she was...
she was...talented.

She just had
an addictive personality.

Yeah, it was always
"one more" wi' Lin.

Yeah.

Um, so, what's your wife like?

Oh, I think she's a bit fed up
of me, to be honest.

Hey, you'll like this.

When we first met, she thought
I was a diamond in the rough.

Now she just thinks
I'm a sh*t pebble.

Oh, dear!

Bolton's changing, isn't it, hey?

Yes, we're all eating hummus,
and we know how to spell it.

There's me, thinking
you'd still be in caves,

learning how to light a fire.

One more?

Always.

MUSIC: I'm In The Mood For Dancing

Come on, Bolton! We want to see
you get your dancing feet on.

That's right.

♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪

♪ I'm in the mood...

Well, it's...certainly
lively, isn't it?

Ace, isn't it?

That's my best mate.

Bill! Where are those duck liver
parfaits for table two?

Literally, 30 seconds.

Yeah, well, she's certainly
a...character. Yeah.

Another drink? Ooh, yes, please.

♪ So come on and hold me tight

♪ Dancing

♪ I'm in the mood... ♪

WHISPERS: f*ck.

♪ Ooh, dancing... ♪

Mum, what you doing here?

They're all here. All me best ones.

Dead Woman Walking.
Great. Yeah, no, no, lovely.

That's fantastic. Yeah.

Amy Winehouse portrait.
It's just it's not quite a good...

Oh. Richard. The Cruel Flower.
Right. Yeah..

These need to be well-lit,
so I've made these.

Oh! Just I've not really had
a chance to talk to Leanne about it.

I've been a bit side-tracked,
so, yeah...

Richard?!

f*ck.

sh*t.

Lin?

What the f*ck?!

What...

What's happened to your teeth?
Oh!

Aargh! Mum! You have no f*cking idea

what a waste of space
this man is, Alma,

so good f*cking luck with that.

f*ck you, d*ck!

Mum!

f*ck.

I've been called worse.

Shall we finish those drinks?

sh*t.

Yes, squire. Two sangrias.

MUSIC: Another Day
by TTRRUUCES

Oh, yeah. See you later, Barry!
Bye, Chris!

Oh, you are kidding, aren't you?

I have not had one of these since
I was 18. You're joking?

God, I have one every day.
Yeah, I can tell.

Hey, we have to go to Booth's.
Come on. To Booth's?

Oh, wow.

I used to come here loads.

I was a bit naughty, though,
actually. I used to say

I was going out for nappies.
I'd just come home with a guitar.

Hold me that. Oh!

OK. I...I'll just wait...

..I'll just wait here.

Ha-ha! Yeah, but remember,

we don't stop playing
because we get old.

We get old because we stop playing.

You take care, Gary.
Yeah, all right. Cheers, mate.

I couldn't resist this beauty.

My new sounds are going to be
great on her.

You've got your own sound?

Do I have a sound?

♪ Jupiter is big and round

♪ Mighty storms are raging down

♪ In this great cosmic playground

♪ Jupiter, you're magic

♪ Gas giant... ♪

I was actually there

when Ian Curtis first played at
The Factory in Manchester,

you know. Yeah, and I've been to
The Hacienda, loads.

Wow. Mm.

Man, it was...it was a time.

Yeah, so cool.

We weren't even there.
You're younger than me.

Oh, I know. But I've been to
an exhibition all about it.

Right.

I actually find Mancunian
nostalgia quite tedious.

Right, I'm going to go.

What? Hang on, I'm up next!

Oh, I know. But I got the live show
earlier, didn't I?

I f*cking love Jupiter.

OK.

Right, I'll see you
tomorrow for tea.

I've got a fancy steak pie.

Oh, yeah. Course you have!

Yeah, you Boltonians
love your stodge, don't you?

Yeah, I suppose it gives you
a doughy layer of fat

to keep you warm, eh?

HE LAUGHS

I'd rather be doughy
than like a drunk washing line.

Ha-ha! Yeah!

I'll see you tomorrow, Carb Queen.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Hiya, Alex. Hiya.

Er, same as usual. 20 gold.

Oh, no! Not mouldy toe, please.

Have you got that sad-looking man
by the radiator?

No. No? No. Sorry.

What about the cute baby smoking
through her dummy?

No. Ooh, you've not got a very
good range, Alex. Er...

..I'll take moustache man
with the neck tumour.

There's always loads of him.

Five minutes.

No, Karen. I am doing biscuits.

I'll be there in a second.

David?!

Alma! You all right?

What the f*ck?

Listen, Alma, can I call you
after my shift?

I've got 250 tins of baked beans
and sausages to pack before 9pm.

Why are you working
in a supermarket?

Proper agents don't stack shelves,
David.

It's a tough industry, Alma.

And the fact that
I have lost my office

and may have my house repossessed
is actually good news for you

because it gives me a drive
and determination that you can

only really get when
you've hit rock-bottom.

Do you know what?
You're full of sh*t, David.

Is this what all men are like?

Are you all just full of sh*t?

You know, do you just go around
letting people down and lying

and not turning up for dinners

and commenting on their
pastry-eating habits?

Is this what you do?

Is this just the cunty way
that you were taught to exist?

Because I tell you what,
I am NOT a fan of it, David.

I just want to castrate
the lot of you and...

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, another man!

What the f*ck do you want, Jim?
Your mum's kicked off in't museum.

Oh, God. OK.
The police have arrived.

Right. OK. I'm coming now.

Karen, I'm on biscuits.

Stop shouting "sausages" in me ear.

HE SIGHS

Hiya. I'm looking for
a small angry woman in a wig.

Through there, love. Lin?

She's in there.

Mum, what are you doing?

Nothing.

I just asked the Happy Hippo

to put my f*cking work out.

She keeps calling me that.

She's been coming in all week
and asking me to hang up her work

and pay cash for it. I said no,
so she's hung it up herself.

She told me she's collaborating
with Alexander McQueen.

Right. I told her that he was dead.

Seemed to really upset her.

I said, "You can't be crying
in here."

Can people not cry in museums?

She was making people feel uneasy.

Mum, you need to come out.

I just wanted to buy me and Jim

that caravan in Rhyl.

But artists don't become
millionaires overnight.

Look at my friend Alexander McQueen
- it took him years,

and now he's dead.

I know, Mum.

Does she know Alexander McQueen? No.

He's been dead for years.

Come on, Lin. Come out.

I can't. The police are here now.

And they'll take me back
to hospital.

I know, Mum,
but you can't hide in here.

We'll get that caravan, Lin.
It'll just take us...time.

You're lying!

You'll just get too comfy
at the dragon woman's house,

with your own kettle
and your clean walls

and crumpets on tap,
like some sort of emperor.

I know.

You'll abandon me, like Richard did.

I'm not going anywhere, Lin.

We're like a pair of socks, us.

Odd when we're not together.

I love you, Lin.

And I'll be at that hospital
with your bag of bits every day

until you get out.

As always.

Me...and you.

It's forever, Lin.

MUSIC: Pool Party
by Julia Jacklin

It's all right.

Love you, Mum.

♪ I was shorter
than my dad's dining table

♪ You were taller than my bedroom
door frame... ♪

KNOCKS ON DOOR

♪ Hit me hard when I found height
don't make a man... ♪

Hey.

Rich!

Rich, it's for you! Yo. Hey.

The girl from the bar.

How creepy.

And what about your wife? Anyway...

So, er, you didn't come for tea?

No, I bumped into an old music
pal in town, you know.

Right. You're not even sorry,
are you?

What is it you want from me, Alma?

That's a good question.

I think I wanted to feel
like your daughter.

I think, in my head, I always
imagined that you loved me.

But in my head, I imagined a lot of
things about you that weren't true,

so I think I just...
Do you know what?

Do you know what?

I'm a nice guy
and I don't deserve it.

Right.

Well...I'm really glad
I met you, Richard.

Hey!

Hey, no! f*ck you!

You don't know what
I've been through. Bye, d*ck!

I've spent so much time thinking
about this missing part of me,

dreaming of the perfect meeting
with the perfect father.

Now I realise there was nothing
missing in the first place.

And let's be honest,

he's just a bit of a d*ck.

I met my father,

and he didn't walk like
a moody gorilla at all.

More like a confused worm.

We went to the aquarium in Bowl-town
and had a jolly old time.

And then he looked into the eyes
of a sad rainbow fish

and saw himself. He hates himself,

he hates the north
and he hates my mother.

So, of course, he was
absolutely terrified of me

from the moment saw me.

He said, "Bloody hell, you look
just like your crazy mother!"

And I said, "That's as may be.

"And you look
nothing like Richard Ashcroft!"

♪ Jupiter is big and round

♪ Mighty storms are raging now

♪ In the great cosmic playground

♪ Jupiter, you're magic

♪ Gas giant with swirling grace

♪ You're the biggest boy in space. ♪