01x04 - Boom and Bust

[bunniefuu]

MUSIC: Paint By Number Heart
by Martha & The Muffins

SHE HUMS TUNELESSLY

They've never been the friendliest
bunch on Grandma's street.

We seem to have a knack
for pissing them off.

Her daughter's a drug addict,
you know.

And she's divorced.

Always has men round...

..and all bloody colours and all.

Worst of all, though...

..she smokes...

..in the kitchen.

What are them two bloody staring at?

You all right, Sandra?

Do you need help with that?

With what, love?

That large stick up your arse -
do you need help with it?

Do you pissing mind?!

Bloody hell, Joan.

I could have you locked up
for indecent exposure,

if I didn't mind that view so much.

Oh, no, no. Don't put 'em away
on our account.

Did your mother never breast-feed
you, Paul? Hm?

If you're looking for that wayward
daughter of mine, she's not here,

so piss off.

Well, we're going to have to check.

And I might start in your bedroom...

..if you want to come and join me?

SHE SNIGGERS

Psst!

BUSH RUSTLES

Alma! Psst!

Alma, come here.

Hey, will you do Mummy
a little favour?

I've left my leopard print handbag
in the hallway,

so will you just
go and get it for me?

That's Grandma's bag.
No, she...she's lent it to me,

so just go and fetch it
for Mummy, eh?

But don't let anybody see you.

Do you mind?

She's not in the washing machine,
is she?

I'm sick of this bloody harassment.

I said we've got to
check everywhere, Joan.

Get off me knickers.

It's like dental floss.

Are you not getting any at home
or something?

Right, now what?

Oh, ace!

Oh, ta, Alma.

I'll see you soon, yeah?

Stop!

Stop! It's her. Quick, get her!

Come on. Hey! Come on!

Police, stop!

But without us Nuttalls, what else
would they have to gossip about?

Sorry, Julie, you're a national
treasure but I've got dreams, too.

Oh, yeah.

That is fabulous. Look at it.

New me, new life.

This is the plan now.

I'm going to visualise the sh*t
out of my life.

Hollywood, here I come.

Nothing can hold me back. Exactly.

Woo!

I'm on the up.

Talent.

You've got that in spades, yeah?

Well, some of you have
but definitely not you, Lesley.

Number two - CV.

Now, having a good CV is
part and parcel of being an actor.

I would never have been an
extra/supporting artiste on Corrie,

three times...

That's three.

..if I hadn't got me CV
in good working order.

Now, Brian. I notice on yours,
you've got a lot of accents.

But can you do 'em all? Um...

..yeah, I think so.

All right.
Give us your Scottish, then.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

IN A BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT: Now, ooh!
Oh, haggis.

Ooo! Bit of the noo!

Oh, I just want to dance
with a bottle, eh!

No, Brian. That were not good,
were it, class?

ALL: Not really, no.

If anything, it were a bit r*cist,
Brian.

It was a little bit, yeah.

Look, it's important.

If any of you have got a skill
on your CV

that you don't actually have,
get it off.

Get it off now.

Believe you me,
you may think you can Lindy Hop

when you've had a few bevvies down
at Mondo's...

..but it's a different story...

..when you're in an audition
and you're sober

and you'll regret that...

..for the rest of your lives.

Can I keep beatboxing on?

Beatboxing?

Beatboxing, it's like...

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

SHE BEATBOXES

No.

Attitude -

change it, all of you.

You'll not get anywhere
with a chip on your shoulders.

Tina, you can't threaten
to beat up casting director,

when you don't get a role.

f*ck off!

Alma, you've missed a session.

Lesley, you've missed a f*ck load.

Well, my mum's got cancer, Ian,
and I'm her full-time carer,

so I can't always...

No-one cares, Les.

Excuses don't wash in this biz.

If you're to be an actor,

you do not have room
for personal drama, like Lesley.

Keep drama on stage.

Why do you think I'm still single?

I've not had a girlfriend
for 15 years...

..because...

..I'm married to the craft.

If you want to be actors,
if you want to be stars,

you need to streamline your lives.

Get 'em streamli...

Streamline your lives.

Do it with me.

ALL: Streamline your lives.

Streamline your lives.
Streamline your lives.

Good, good.

ALL: Streamline your lives.

If you want to be a star,

you've got to streamline your lives.
That's what Ian says.

I could've been a star.

Of what?

Don't know,
but I've always felt like one.

I'm just completely bored
since retirement.

I need, um...

..a hobby or a pet.

There's only so much Tinder
a girl can take.

Well, it's Mum's CPA on Tuesday.

You can come to that
if you want something to do.

f*ck that for a bag of Wotsits!

Just me again, then.

Now that's your choice, Alma.

The day I refused to be
your mum's next of kin,

was one of the most liberating days
of my life.

It's the closest you can get
to divorcing a child.

She destroyed me life!

And me vag*na.

Ugh.

What's a CPA?

CPAs are these dull little
get-togethers

with my mum and a revolving door
of professionals.

Do we really need
all these f*cking people?

Let's just go around the room
and introduce ourselves.

Er...

..I'm Alma, Lin's mum,
I mean, daughter, sorry.

Hello.

I'm Lin, the fish
in the f*cking bowl.

They all sit there taking notes and
talking about her in third person.

And the sh*t they come out with!

I think Lin could benefit from some
breathing exercises for relaxation.

Relaxation?! I smoke for that.

What about the yarn-bombing course?

f*ck off!

To be fair,
she has tried normal activities.

She's just not very good at them.

SHE GROANS

Argh!

OK, shall we just keep going round?

Hello, I'm Jane.

Oh, here we go! Another social
worker from the council.

Mum's had more of these
than she's had crack pipes.

They all start off looking fresh
and self-important.

By the end, they look like this...

ZOMBIE MOANS

She has a face
like a right slapped arse, this one.

I'm the new social worker
from the council,

taking over from...

Where the f*ck is Bev?

Bev has had enough, Lin,

and I tell you now, I will not be
spoken to the way you spoke to Bev.

I made one comment
about her weird f*cking eyebrow!

It wasn't just one comment though,
was it?

You wrote a poem.

Left it on her window screen.

She f*cked up me bennies.

She'd just had
her gall-bladder removed!

It's got nothing to do with that.

Bev was a d*ck
when she had a gall-bladder.

She was a d*ck when she lost it.
Nothing f*cking changes with Bev.

OK. Can we just leave
Bev's gall-bladder out of this

and focus on the good news?

What's the good news?

We've just been notified that Lin's
section has finally been lifted.

We're looking at potentially
placing her in a hostel

that offers mental health
support services. No!

Jim's in one of them now
and he hates it.

The tribunal don't feel you're ready

for independent living quite yet,
Lin.

f*ck's sake,
you burn one little flat down

and everybody's up in arms.

Yeah, no. I don't think a hostel
will work for my mum

cos she needs somewhere where
she can feel calm and stay clean.

Well, the other option's living
with a family member.

OK, so this hostel...

..is it all right?
Is it a goer, do you think?

ALARM WAILS

TRAIN WHEELS SCREECH

It's like a shoe box.
A dirty, horrible shoe box.

I mean, it's...

It could be nice.

You know, we just...
I know it's a bit, "Blargh!"

But we'll some paintings up
or we can paint the walls?

No painting walls.

No nails in walls.

Right.

Like prison.

But do you know what?
It's a lovely area this now.

It's quite posh nowadays.

Very leafy.

People keep saying leafy.

What the f*ck does it mean?

If I wanted leafy, I'd live in tree.

Lovely lamp, though.

Oh, hello.

Are you here about the mice?

They keep eating
my f*cking cornflakes.

Er... No, we're just
showing my mum round

cos she might be moving in here.

I don't think so.

What about the mice?

What are you going to do
about the mice?

We're not here about the mice.

We don't know anything about them.

They're taking over!

I can hear them whispering
and plotting in the walls.

OK. Well, maybe speak to...

Shh!

Well, the thing is... Shh! Listen!

OK.

I mean, I can't actually hear
anything at the minute but...

Go to your room, Louise.

I put the traps down last night.

Bye, Louise.
Sorry that I couldn't help.

But, um...

..the clock is nice, in't it, Mum?
It's...

..you know.

Big window that, in't it?

And do you know what?
That's a lovely view.

If you look just straight ahead
and you don't look down,

it's actually quite calming.

APPROACHING SIRENS
Yeah.

WAILING

It's not quite right, is it?

I know, it's not ideal.

Ideal?!

I'd have a housemate who thinks
the mice are plotting against her.

To be fair,
she'd be the sanest one there...

..including security.

I want me own place, Bob.

I've been drug-free
for over two years.

I'm taking me medication.

I've started art therapy.

I've got a bedtime,
I pair me socks, I knit.

I'm practically
Jessica-f*cking-Fletcher,

for f*ck's sake!

I've had me own flat before.

But you lost it, Lin.

You got yourself in a situation
that means that we...

How dare you!

It wasn't my fault!

You have no idea
what I went through. None of you do!

You hit rock bottom, and they
f*ck you while you're down there.

No-one is kind or fair
to people like me!

I'm a...I'm a bottom feeder,
swimming in a sea of c**ts.

Like a great big piece of cod

or the Little bloody Mermaid,
who's swimming around with no voice

and just a couple of shells
trying to cover up her ample bosom,

because some f*cking octopus
has taken her voice away

and shoved it up
a prince's arse somewhere!

And how do you think
that makes me feel?

It makes me feel
like a big f*cking piece of cod!

I never know whether to laugh or cry
at these rants.

There's a bizarre logic to 'em.

It all went wrong for Mum,

when the Government brought in the
point-scoring system for disability.

She was assessed on whether
she was fit for work...

..not by a doctor
but by this bloke.

HE COUGHS

After Mum failed
her disability assessment,

she found other income streams.

Then Mum's nurse visits got cut.

They closed the local clinics,

so she had to get two buses
for her anti-psychotic injection.

The bus isn't fun
at the best of times,

never mind when
you're adamantly convinced

you're trapped in an oven
at the other side of the universe.

FLAMES ROAR AND CRACKLE
It's too hot!

So she took her medicinal needs
into her own hands again...

Tracy!

..and she didn't have to go far.

Give us a borrow till next Tuesday,
will you?

Yeah.

It's safe to say she got herself
in a bit of a pickle from there.

She got sent down for six months

and lost her council flat
in the process.

Lin, can I level with you?

Over 5,000 people are homeless
in Greater Manchester.

Over 80,000 are still waiting
for social housing.

We're living
in a Boom and Crisis paradox

and you're a known arsonist, Lin.

In all honesty, it's not likely
you'll ever get a flat

completely to yourself again.

So what are her options?

As I said, at this stage...

..family or hostel.

Right.

I can't stand Bob.

Condescending twat.

"You've got yourself
in this situation, Lin.

"We couldn't let you live
on your own, Lin."

Yeah.

He is a twat and all.

"You're not really God, you know.

"It's important
you recognise that, Alan."

One of my biggest mistakes, him.

Mm, prick.

I can't stay here, Alma.

Please!

Please, get me out
of this guinea pig farm.

The smells, they all blob together
and make me feel ill and the...

Urgh, that prick's here again!

I'm off.

Hiya, Jesus.

Peace be with you.

Never have a son.

Five, six, seven...

OK, ladies. It's sexy-sassy time!

Oh, lovely arms, Leanne.

Alma, we'll have no angry crab
this week, please.

She's always picking on me, Cheryl.

Wiggle them hips, love.

She knows.

That's it. Round in a circle.

You know what a circle is,
don't you, Alma?

Alma, you can't have your mam
live with you.

That's an absolute terrible idea.

Alma, you're flailing.

Well, I've run out of options.

You should've seen the hostel!

Come on, sexy as me.
Come on. Give it some.

Oh, Alma. It's like teaching
a fridge how to dance.

Will you stop heckling me, Cheryl?!

It's very demoralising!

You know, I'm doing
my best sassy run forward

and you keep shouting, "Oh,
you're a crab! Oh, you're a fridge!"

Well, you're not so good yourself
since your hysterectomy.

MUSIC: Starlight
by Raya Max

Hello?

OK, not doing hellos.

This is a bit fancy, in't it?

What do you do, then?

Property developer.

I built this place,

and those two over there.

It's going to be gorgeous
when I'm done.

It'll be just like London.

Just need to get rid of that cluster
of druggies and the homeless.

Right.

So I'd like you to be quite
assertive with me, please.

I've been quite naughty today.

Right, OK.

Right, OK, so...

..so you've been quite naughty,
have you?

Very naughty.

You've been very naughty?

Right, so we might need to
spank you, mightn't we?

Yes, I, er...

..think we might.

Wow. We'd better whip your trousers
off then, hadn't we, you naughty...?

Little boy. Little boy.

Very naughty little boy.

I have been naughty,
haven't I, Mummy?

"M-Mummy"?

Yes, you've been a very naughty boy.

And Mummy's very angry
with naughty boy.

Very naughty boy. Mummy is very
angry with naughty boy!

Mummy!

Very naughty indeed.

INCREASINGLY ANGRY: Building all
the fancy flats...

..for the millionaires!

No social housing
for any other f*ck!

Naughty boy!
Naughty, naughty boy!

TEARFULLY: I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Here you go, mate.

I've just spanked an adult man
for that money. Enjoy.

MUSIC: Anything I Do
By CLiQ

KNOCK AT DOOR

I'm not coming to the door, Edna.

The music is at medium level and I'm
being very light-footed on my feet.

I'm like a feather up here.

It's me, Anthony. Come to the door.

KNOCKS AGAIN

TURNS MUSIC OFF

Come on, Alma.

sh*t.

Er, just... Just a second.

f*cking hell.

Hello, can I help you?

Bloody hell, what is that?

What?

What? That on your f*cking...
on your lip.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, I was supposed to
take this off ages ago.

Oh, God.

Ah! f*cking hell! Oh! Oh!

It burns! Jesus Christ.
It really burns.

Oh... Oh, my God. Thank God.

Oh, thank God for that.

What's all this, then?

It's my to-do list.

"Start tap-dancing,"
and "Become a global mega-star."

Big to-do list, innit?

Yes, it is.

Listen, I know why you're here.

If you think
you can come crawling back...

f*ck off, right?
Cos I'm not here for that.

Good.

It's Rachel.

She doing my head in.

Can't arsed be with her.

Who's this Phil bloke
you've been showing off about, then?

None of your business.

Oh. He's dumped you already, has he?
No.

No, I'm just, you know,
I'm keeping my options open.

Playing the field.

I'm single and I'm ready to mingle.

Oh, single and ready to mingle?

I wouldn't be using
that phrase again. It's not 1995.

What are you doing here anyway?

Right, well,
how would you like to go

and grab a cheeky little
ye olde pasty, hey, with...?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ooh.

Did you just chuck
these dirty knickers

in a pizza box into my garden?

No, I did not, Edna.

And, to be quite honest,
I'm insulted by the accusation.

Well, it came from your window.

Goodbye, Edna.

She's still alive, then.

Yeah.

RAPID KNOCKING

BOTH: Piss off, Edna!

Hey, you're looking good.

You know, a bit like Bagpuss,
but, you know, looking good.

I think it's my nose. Hm?

Why I always look good.

I've got a very beautiful
and disarming nose.

You what?

Well, it goes up at the end here,
right, which is silly really.

But the silliness relaxes
and entertains people,

whilst also being very striking.

Bloody hell!

You've got a lot of opinions
on your nose, haven't you?

Like a bloody QVC
demonstration, that.

What about my nose?

It's all right, but it wouldn't
sell on QVC. That's bollocks.

That, right, would sell way
better than your nose.

Don't think so. Hey. Look.
Look. Look at that.

Handsome b*stard. As if! Feel it.

Unbelievable that.
Not that incredible.

Oh, flat's looking good.

Mm-hm. Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah. Bit mad. You know,
like living in a disco ball.

But it's...it's very,
very you, in't it?

Yeah, it is very me.

Having said that, it might not
be for much longer.

My mum's section's been lifted.

She's nowhere to go,
so she might be moving in with me.

Alma, no.

f*ck that. Why?

You can't do that.
It'll f*ck your life up.

Yeah, I know what you mean.
You'll end up a full-time carer.

Yeah, but... Right, and she's going
to have all her dodgy mates round

all the time,
like that woman who nicks spoons.

She'll be round,
robbing the cutlery drawer.

And the alcoholic
who pretends to be a priest,

he'll be round to ear-f*ck
the sh*t out of you.

You're too soft.

You were too soft wi' me
but at least my mates only did coke.

No offence, right,

but your mum, she needs to be
with someone who takes no sh*t.

What about your grandma?
She's a dragon of a woman.

Might be an option. Mm.

Absolutely no way.

Well, I think you'd benefit
from the company.

You said you wanted a pet.

I want a c*ck Spaniel, Alma.

Why can't she just get another flat?

It's not that easy any more.

Anyway, they won't let her live
on her own without supervision.

Well, that's what
the district nurses are for.

That's been cut. Oh, I see.

So...the Government have given up,
so she's back to being my problem?

Well, she's not a problem
any more, is she?

She's really straightened out.

She's even got her bennies sorted,
so she won't nick your f*gs.

Oh, great. So I pay my taxes
so your mum and Jim can laze about.

Jim's not lazing about, is he?
He's got eight personalities.

He's knackered. Well,
then why don't you take her, Alma,

if she's such a f*cking
ray of sunshine?

You said recently
that you were bored

and you wanted something to do.

I meant something like...jewellery
making or learning to canoe.

Canoe? Not taking in a toothless,
drug-addicted arsonist.

Well...what else can we do, Grandma?

There's absolutely no options.
It's me or you.

I know that's sh*t and I am sorry,

but I do genuinely think
that my mum is doing great

and she deserves a second chance.

I'm sorry to ask,
but you know my flat is tiny.

My house in't much bigger.

It's all right here, in't it?

Big enough for you two.
She's only small, Mum.

Yeah, so was Napoleon.

Oh, I see the whole
motley crew are here.

Delightful.

Piss off, Sandra. Hello.

What are they? Oh, no.
You can't bring them in.

Look, me paintings
are non-negotiable, Mum.

Hello.

What's he doing here?

Well, I forgot to say.
I told him he could come too.

What are you talking about? No.
That wasn't part of the plan.

He hates his hostel and he likes
the idea of being at yours

with his own kettle.

Brought me own.

Mum, you should've asked.
You won't even know he's here.

You hardly speak, do you, Jim?

Not really, no.

OK.

Fine.

But let's just get a few things
straight before you come in.

Right? I'm telling you now,

I won't be taking any of
the usual sh*t off anyone.

You f*ck up, Lin, and you're out.

Right? I will not be
harassed by police,

I will not be interrogated
and analysed by social workers

and I will not be held responsible
for your actions.

Understood? Fine.

And I want me own space.

I don't want to have to look at
your scaley-dragon-face before noon,

is that OK?

I just want me kettle.

Right. Come in.