01x01 - Feng Suey

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

SHE PANTS

Look at the state of her.
You look like a twat. Ta very much.

♪ Four-letter word just to get me
along

♪ It's a difficulty and I'm biting
on my tongue

♪ And I keep stalling
and keeping me together

♪ People around gotta find
something to say now

♪ Holding back, every day the same

♪ Don't wanna be a loner

♪ Listen to me, oh, no... ♪

Just tell me which door, lovey,
cos I'm late now for my restart

interview. It's any second.
That door behind you.

Oh, my God, it's like
The Crystal Maze round here.

That's fine. Great. Ooh.

Different vibe.

SHE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

Too hot.

It's my own fault for cycling in
fur.

Fake fur.

I didn't k*ll a flamingo.

I was panicking about the time,

I had the fur on, I just got very
flustered.

But...

What are you in for?
Are you...looking for a job?

Yeah.

SHE EXHALES

Oh, yeah.

Ah, there's no cups.

Alma Nuthall.

Yes, just one second.

I've got to be honest, Carol -

I've got no qualifications or
job experience,

but I've got pizzazz, I've got
charisma,

and I think outside the box.

I'm also capable of being in the box
at the same time. I can do both.

If you know what I mean.
Not really, no.

Why don't you have any
qualifications?

The truth is,
for the first seven years of my life

I didn't even go to school.

I had my own key by the age of five.

Fed myself, clothed myself,

ran my own schedule.

Think Mowgli with a mullet.

Ta, Pete.

Think the baby from Trainspotting.

If she'd lived.

And when I did go to school, I was

eventually excluded for arriving
drunk in a bikini.

I was just never
much of an academic.

So what job experience have you got?

Well, I actually want to be
an actress.

What job experience have you got?

My boyfriend had his own business
and I used to help him out.

But he recently left me, Carol.

For a younger - not hotter,
thank you -

but younger woman. Has that ever
happened to you? No, it hasn't.

Do you know what, I can tell you,
it's absolutely sh*t, Carol.

Do you know, he left me knowing
full well that I wouldn't be able

to cover my rent this month. Right,

let's get back on track, eh? Yes.

Aw, your one looks nice.

Safe.

Meaty.

You see, you've got your own weird
sh*t going on,

clearly, and you've found someone
who digs it.

That's what I need.

Somebody who actually
embraces my quirks.

I'm sorry that you've had a
difficult time.

Our plan here is to get you
back on track.

Yes! And that's what I want.

I just want to throw
myself into a career.

Forget men. I'm a career woman now.

Here we go.

I have a job match for you.
Fabulous.

Sandwich artist at Sub and Go.

Sandwich artist?

What am I doing,
painting the sandwiches?

No, making the sandwiches, using a
till, dealing with customers.

That's not what I want to do.

You don't have many options, love.

SHE SCOFFS

Well, actually, that's about to

change, Carol.

I've just had an audition and it

felt very promising, I'll have you
know.

To stay on JSA, you need to be
actively seeking work,

Miss Nuthall.

Shall I put in an expression of
interest?

Yeah, go on.

♪ Hot topic is the way that we rhyme

♪ Hot topic is the way that we rhyme

♪ Hot topic is the way that... ♪

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

I love it, Adnan.

It's very me, isn't it?

I mean, I know you don't actually
know me.

No, no...I can see it's the sort of

thing that really works with
your...demeanour.

Feels fabulous. I mean, you can't be

miserable when you've got one of
these, can you?

I'm a walking party.

How much is that? £250.

What the f*ck?
Just keep your voice down, please.

What the f*ck, Adnan?

HE CHUCKLES

sh*t!

Mate, is everything OK?

WHSIPERS: Don't talk to me,
Adnan, I'm not here.

What? NOT here!

So do you still want the..?

Sh-sh-sh-sh!

Excuse me, mate. Have you got any
decks?

Yeah, just to the right,
by the window. Nice one.

Alma. Oh, sh*t!

This is the prick who left me.

I met him outside Wigan pier on me


back in the day when it was all
about going to raves in a bikini

and snogging boys with ASBOs on E.

He was a taxi driver moonlighting as
a drug dealer,

which was great for me - free drugs
and a lift home.

What the f*ck are you doing?

Er... I was just looking at these.

Jack leads? Yeah.

For my, erm...

For my, erm... Amp.

Amp, yeah. I've got an amp now.

You're f*cking weird, you,
you know. Oh, piss off!

Anyway, you're the one who should be
hiding.

So you were hiding.
You owe me money. f*ck off.

You're just jealous cos I'm finally
happy.

Oh, yeah.
If happiness is shagging a teenager

and moving back in with your mum,
then you're very welcome to it.

Don't worry, Alma, love.
I'll shag you if you're desperate.

f*ck off, you fat f*ck!

THEY CHUCKLE

How am I supposed to pay my rent
this month?

It's not my problem any more.

Lovely.

HE CHUCKLES

Do you do store credit, Adnan?

MUSIC: 1234 by Ashley &
Michael Clark

Quick, get in!

This is Grandma Joan,

a Silk Cut-smoking, vodka-drinking,
animal print-loving whirlwind.

I went to live with Joan after
a stint in foster care.

She'd just got divorced
and chucked out the iron.

She went to uni that year
and discovered feminism.

I say "feminism" - I mean that in a
very '90s way.

She said the words "c*ck" and
"patriarchy" a lot.

The first thing she said to me when
I arrived was...

Don't waste your life ironing a
man's clothes, Alma.

His creases'll drop out but your
wrinkles won't.

I was eight. Fried Spam on the go.

Just seen Anthony.

Shouting at me in the middle of a
shop, can you believe that?

Yes, I can, he's a f*ck.

Oh, this Spam is fabulous.

Aldi's own.

Do you know, I wake up
craving it.

It calls my name from the kitchen
cupboard,

"Joan, Joan..." Oh, God, look at the
state of me.

Starting to look like Nicolas Cage.

No.

Just a bit droopy here.

Sod off.

The rest of your skin's dead fresh.

Yeah, I know. I read an article
about the benefits of steam rooms

on your skin, so every morning I've
started

sticking me head in the kettle.

I don't think that's the same,
Grandma.

I've lost years round me eyes, look!

Right.

I'm going to see Mum today.

Oh! You can always come with me.

Don't start.

She's really struggling, Grandma.

I think she really needs us.
Yeah, and what about what I need?

Nobody cares about that, do they?
All right, chill out.

No, she stole the best
years of my life, your mother.

Has she ever apologised?
Has she f*ck!

I don't want to talk about it.

How's her ears? What?

Well, they get very cold,
don't they?

They stick out too much, that's why.

Oh, yeah. I think
they're fine, Grandma.

Good.

Well, let's leave it at that, then.

Can I pinch a f*g? 80p.

I don't have 80p, I'm skint!

It's about time you got
a proper job.

I've worked all my life,

always on me feet.

I've got bunions the size of me
fist.

I don't want to go into your bunions
right now.

Well, dreaming's not going to get
you anywhere.

That's not going to put Spam on the
table, is it?

MUSIC: Boom Boom by Bea Parks &
Garo Nahoulakian & Oliver Horton

This is my best mate, Leanne.

She came to Bolton for a fling she
met online,

but ended up staying because the
locals can't get enough of her.

They find my accent exotic.

She has the mannerisms
of a truck driver

and the rock and roll sex appeal of
Debbie Harry.

It's quite something.

She's never without a shag.

Bill, I'm going for a f*g.

Crack on with the mallet, mate,
my arm's ragging.

You've already had your break.

Don't be a d*ck. Be back in a
minute.

I'm YOUR boss, remember?

f*ck's sake.

All right.

ALMA GRUNTS

What is that?

Can I leave it here? It keeps
falling off me bike.

You need to watch your spending,
you.

You got a problem. No, I don't!

Why don't you leave it next to your
trampoline?

It's not a trampoline,

it's a Fit Bounce Pro.

Very good for getting fit.

Athletes use them.

So listen, I need to, erm...

I do need to use it more,
though, don't I?

Use it more? You used it once.

I should just use it
when I pop round.

A sort of tone up and a chat
session.

What's going on with you?

You're in one of your manic moods.

I'm not in a manic mood.
No, I'm in a thoughtful mood.

I'm thinking, "Oh, I've got no job,

"no boyfriend, a flat I can't
afford,

"a trampoline I don't bounce on

"and a boom box I don't need."

But I'm fine. I am absolutely...

PHONE BUZZES

Ooh. I'm absolutely fine.

I think it's my audition. Ooh.

Right, OK.

SHE SIGHS

Hello?

Yes, this is I.

Right, yes. Yeah, for the...

Yeah.

Yeah.

Great!

Thank you very much.

Goodbye!

Didn't get it.

Ach! That's proper sh*t, I'm sorry,
babe.

I'm destined for a life of bunions,
Leanne.

And I'm f*cking skint as well.

f*ck's sake, Alma.

You need to get some
money off Anthony to tide you over.

He owes you after running off like
that. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, to be honest,
you're right, actually.

I am. Yeah. I am!

He does, doesn't he, though? Yes!
Yeah! He's a f*cking prick.

He IS a prick! Yes!

Do you know what, f*ck him.

f*ck HIM! f*ck him!
Say it with me now.

NO MORE BULLSHIT! No more bullshit!

No-more-f*cking-bull-sh*t!

Give me some f*cking money
and f*ck OFF!

Well, that didn't go according
to plan, did it?

I think my knob's getting bigger.

Do you think it is?

I mean...

Have you trimmed your pubes?

Yeah, but...it's not that, it's

like it's just got more...

PHONE VIBRATES

You're going to have to go in a
minute.

SHE SIGHS

I need some money, Anthony.

There.


need to go.

VIV: Alma, love, made you a brew
down here.

Ta, Trish.

How does she know it was me?

Well, you're loud, aren't you?

WHISPERS: God.

TV: So tell me, Paul, what do the
viewers at home need to know

about bread?

Well, Sue, every home is improved

by home-made bread.

You know, making bread in your own
kitchen is much more satisfying...

Have you ever baked bread?

Have I f*ck.

I once bought a loaf that wasn't
sliced, though.

Wow. How was it?

Hard work. Mm.

You need to go. Rachel's going to
come back any minute.

Let her finish her brew.
She needs to go!

Don't you start with that temper
of yours. Oh, for f...

I'm surprised she wants to be
anywhere near you after... Don't.

TV: Whatever you do, do not
under-bake a sourdough.

Who gives a f*ck, Paul?

Oh! Here she is,

Rachel,

looking fabulous. Men never leave
you for someone older, fatter,

more knackered-looking, do they?

She's no idea what hell
she's in for.

It's Trish I miss the most.

Everything's always like clockwork
with Trish.

She gets up at the same time,
sits in the same chair,

eats the same discount biscuits,

and heckles at the same TV
programmes.

Every day. It's reliable.

Comforting.

My mum's nothing like Trish.

SHE YAWNS

She's a drug addict so she's never
been too good at the mum stuff.

She tried once, decided to cook me
breakfast.

It was a disaster.

How do you know when it's cooked?
It looks the f*cking same!

To be fair, it does.

Hiya, Mum, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm on my way.

Great, you're here.

I've got something for you.

Oh, you've joined the art class.
Good!

Oh!

It's about society.

Here she is, my mum, the Iggy Pop of
the psych ward.

She was a punk in her youth.

But it's hard to maintain
when you're over 40

and shop exclusively on Bury Market.

She loves ornament pixies too.

If she'd discovered
those before heroin,

we could have had a very
different life.

Right. Yes.

That's definitely...

Definitely bigger than the last one,
isn't it?

A Nought. Yeah.

HE SPLUTTERS

Bloody hell, Jim!

Be quiet making a racket!

We shouldn't get these again,
they're not happening.

I can't chew 'em.

This is Mum's boyfriend, Jim.

He's a schizophrenic with a heart of
gold.

They met on a ward 20 years ago.

He's never taken drugs in his life

but they got on like a house on fire
because they've both got no teeth.

It was like watching two elastic
bands have a conversation.

They've had them done on NHS now.

Jim's still struggling with his.

There you go, it's all there.

We'll just have to check that before
you leave with it.

For f*ck's sake!

I'm not armed and dangerous with a
bag of jelly babies, am I?

Mum, it's all right. It's like a

f*cking guinea pig farm in here. I
shouldn't be here.

My mum has drug-induced psychosis,
which means

sometimes she likes to set things on
fire.

This time it was Jim's place.

Bloody hell, Lin, what have you
done?

How am I going to make beans on
toast?

Apparently, it's pretty common for
women with psychosis.

Men attack women, women attack
buildings.

I suppose you could read it as Mum's

way of setting the patriarchy
alight.

Or maybe she just f*cking loves
fire.

I shouldn't be here. I should be
somewhere else like Rhyl,

in a caravan park,
having a nice time,

not here with a load of f*cking
nutters.

SHE COUGHS

Oh, bloody hell, Mum, you'd think
you'd been down t'mines!

Shall we go for a f*g?

I can't stand it here.

They're all bloody nutters.

I know, Mum.

And nobody visits.

I'm here, aren't I?

Oh, yeah, well, thanks for your
guest appearance.

I'll see you again in 2050.

Jim's here every day!

Mum, I was here last week.

Grandma bloody wasn't, was she?

It's been years!

So maybe next time
we can use some of your leave

to go somewhere a bit nicer.

Council won't sort us
out with another flat, you know.

Jim's been sleeping on t'floor
at Scabby Joe's.

It's not comfy.

Mm.

So can I come and live with you
when they release me? No!

I mean...

My flat's only small and I'm skint
myself.

I'm not being funny, Mum,
but you're an arsonist.

It were an accident!

You k*lled the cat!

Peace be with you.

Is he new?

Yeah.

Thinks he's Jesus.

Another one?

Yeah.

I told him, "You're no son of mine."

MUSIC: Love Really Hurts Without
You by Billy Ocean

What the hell is that?

Mum's latest artwork.

Slash psychosis.

Oh, thank f*ck for that.

You know Ann with the lazy eye?

Oh, yeah, Winky Ann. She's doing all
right, you know.

She just bought a flat in Bury
with a garage. Bought it?

Yeah. With a garage? Yeah!

Bought it? Yeah, with a garage.

You know why, don't you?

She just started escorting in
Manchester.

No way!

Surprised she gets the work with
that eye.

She's had it fixed.

I heard she earns £250 an hour.

God! Bloody hell!

I'm on £7.50.

And you've got to wear that hat.
I know.

God, if you were an escort,

go in, one hour, slap a man
on the ba*ls,

pretend to be his mother, 250 quid,
you'd be done.

Oh! I couldn't do it, though.

No, me neither.

Not with my depressed left breast.

Everyone's got one low-energy
breast. Mine's got a hair on it.

Me too! Black.

Wiry.

So listen...

I need to talk to you.

So, Ann came in the caff
yesterday,

she starts chatting to me,

and she tells me that apparently...

Rachel's pregnant.

And they're keeping it.

What the f*ck?

I know.

I just don't understand, because
I...

Listen! This is the best thing that
could have happened to you.

Now you can finally move on.

ALMA SCOFFS

To where? To what?

Ooft, no.

Shall we get sh*t-faced?

Karaoke night!

No, I should probably go home.

Got an early...

SHE HOLLERS WANNABE

♪ If you want my future
forget my past

♪ If you want to get with me

♪ Better make it fast... ♪

All right, ladies and gents,
it's Leanne.

Whoo! She's phenomenal!

SHE SINGS OPERATICALLY

♪ Time to say goodbye

♪ Paesi che non h* mai

♪ No, no, non esistono piu

♪ It's time to say goodbye... ♪

It's really over.

He's having a baby!

They're having a family!

They're a family now!

And I'm on me own!

I'm completely alone, Glen!

It's Geoff.

That doesn't suit you at all,
Glen.

♪ Mio sole, tu sei qui
con me, con me... ♪

You absolutely smashed that song,
babe.

I know.

I think it's my raw sexual energy.

So did you.

Grace of a swan, as always.

Hi, babes!

Hello, ladies.

Oh, Glen, I'm not going to shag you.

Fair enough.

Eh! Look!

There's Winky Ann!

Bloody hell, you're right!

God, her eye looks great!

Yeah, good investment, that.

Mm.

Oh, I need my own money, me.

No, I'm going to sort everything out
now I'm on me own.

And I'm going to get some acting
work and I'm going to

sort my family out, and then I'm
going to get a real job.

You know, I'm going to learn
Spanish...

I think I'm going to start
tap-dancing.

Maybe just start with a job first,
eh?

Yeah.

Doing what?

Well, what skills do you have?

I can hold a three-litre bottle of
cider under my left tit

with no hands.

THEY LAUGH

I don't think that's a transferable
skill, babe.

You'd be surprised.

You look like sh*t!

Are you all right? Not really, no.

Anthony's having a baby with his
foetus of a girlfriend.

I can't afford my rent.

Mum's a mess.

I'm hanging out my arse.

You tried feng "suey"?

What? You move all your furniture

around and it gets rid of the
negative vibes.

I did it with that cake tin. See, it
used to be over there.

It was very oppressive.

I don't think moving a f*cking cake
tin's going to cut it, Grandma.

It does look good, though.

Listen, I've booked a trip for Mum
today.

I'm going to use some of her leave
to take her to Queen's Park.

And I'd really love it if you came
with me.

No. No. How dare you ask?

Look, please!

I think we need to be better at
trying to be some sort of a family.

I know that's what I need.

I really want you to come with me
today.

I bought pasties.

Have you?

Yeah.

Ye Olde's as well.

But you can't have any
unless you come with me today.

That is very manipulative of you.

Hm. Yeah.

I know.

♪ I'm sticking with you

♪ Cos I'm made out of glue

♪ Anything that you might do

♪ I'm gonna do too... ♪

Bloody hell!

You finally made it after five
years.

What happened, did you get lost?

I bought you these.

What the bloody hell are them?

Are you trying to make me look like
a goblin, or what?

SHE CHUCKLES

I think you do that quite
successfully yourself.

Here.

THEY CHUCKLE

♪ I'm gonna do too

♪ Some people go into
the stratosphere

♪ Soldiers fighting with the Cong

♪ But with you by my side I can do
anything... ♪

Right, who's hungry?

♪ When we swing, we hang past
right and wrong... ♪

Is there owt soft in there?

I can't do crusts.

There you go.

♪ I'll do anything for you

♪ Anything you want me to

♪ I'll do anything for you

♪ Oh, oh

♪ I'm sticking with you

♪ Oh, oh

♪ I'm sticking with you

♪ Oh, oh

♪ I'm sticking with you

♪ Oh, oh

♪ I'm sticking with you

♪ Oh, oh. ♪

SHE SIGHS

Feng f*cking "suey"!

SHE SIGHS

PHONE RINGS

Hello there, erm, I'm interested in
working for your company...

INDISTINCT VOICE ON PHONE

I'm a hard worker, I'm great with
people and...

Yeah. Yeah.

I know someone who does it.

I'm aware it's sex.

♪ Been there, done that,
messed around

♪ I'm having fun, don't put me down

♪ I'll never let you
sweep me off my feet

♪ I won't let you in again
The messages I tried to send

♪ My information's just not
going in... ♪