02x06 - Roger That

[bunniefuu]

Roger: This is not a test.

I repeat, this is not a test.

Roger has been short-changed,

stiffed, bamboozled,

hood-winked, greased,

conned, swindled.

A real Montreal screw-job.

This is not a test.

Jo: What the hell

is that sound?

Is that a new song

by Big Makwa? Meh'.

I don't know,

but it probably has something

to do with

this email Roger sent.

The one with the subject line

that says, "I quit?"

Yeah, that one.

- It was sent yesterday.

- Rose!

We have to fix this.

Okay, let me respond,

because it's my job.

- Got it.

- "Okay, den. From Jo."

Send!-

- Nailed it.

- Good one.

♪Yes, I can love you baby ♪

♪All night long ♪

Hey, big sis. I need your help.

I just tried Little Fatty's

Maximum Overkill.

They use salt from

the Atlantic Ocean.

Not now. We have a crisis.

Oh. Hey, Rose.-

Hello, band office.

Can we talk over here?

He's just trying

to borrow money.

As if.

Jo, I need to borrow money.

Can you f*ck off?

Come on, man. It's an emergency!

This is the thirstiest

I've ever been in my whole life.

I'm f*cking scared, man.

Just drink some water.

Yuck! That's the worst

part about juice.

Gramps McKay said he's going

to throw shitty a*s diapers

at our door if we don't

get someone on the radio.

f*ck sakes.

If you want to

make money so bad,

here's your chance to earn some.

I just wanna borrow money,

I don't wanna earn it.

Rose: Okay. We don't know where

he is either.

Ah!

- Rose: Alright, then.

- You could impress Rose.

What do I gotta do?

Get on the radio.

Take some calls,

play some songs.

Use that big mouth of yours.

Okay, fine, I'll do it,

but first I need a payday

advance for some pop.

Jarred!

I'm just going to buy

some more potato chips.

Uh, excuse me,

I got no time to talk.

Working man coming through.

"Okay den?"

Twenty years of nearly

perfect work on the radio

and that's all she can say?

Paul: Hello?

Is this thing on or what?

Where's all the radio buttons

that do all the radio stuff?

- Testing. Salt and vinegar.

- Salt and vinegar.

There's too many dials

and switches on this thing.

Man, what is this?

A spaceship or a radio station?

I feel like Luke Skinwalker

up in here.

♪

As the rain melts my eyes,

the sky is grey.

♪My real dad's name

is Ray ♪

All right,

that was Waylon Jennings

or it could have

been Cher.

We're going

to let you decide.

We're gonna take a caller.

Who do ya got?

- Rita: Put Roger back on!

- You're no damn good.

Uh, next caller.

Why would Roger just up

and leave like that?

Ooh, I know. Maybe the answer

to why he left is in this email

he sent with

the subject line

"Reasons why I left."

Rose!

sh*t, well, go ahead

and read them all out.

- Okay.

- His reason is budget cuts.

Hey, you did that.

f*ck, this is boring.

What's this?

"Roger That: A self-published

memoir by Roger Laughingstick."

Well, Grouse Lake,

do I or do I not

do not read?

He's not going to read

a "do not read" is he?

That'd be so embarrassing

for Roger if he did.

Paul:

Chapter Beezzhig.

He's doing it!

Paul: It was the best of times,

it was the rez of times.

- 1996.

- The year of the Toonie.

I didn't want to

leave Grouse Lake

but my dreams were too

big for this one-horse Rez.

I was freshly graduated from

the Gift of the Gab Radio School

and I started

my first day on the job.

My dreams were as big

as everyone's fanny packs.

Welcome back

to Toba 89.6,

Winnipeg's Okayest

Rock station,

with everyone's

favourite show,

On the Fly with Micky Fly.

♪

- Wow.

- How does he do it?

♪

Welcome back

to Toba 89.6,

with everyone's

favourite show,

Roger in the City.

Looks like we got

another caller.

- Man: Hey, Roger.

- It's your biggest fan,

Elijah Harper.

If it wasn't for you,

I never would have turned down

the Meech Lake Accord.

Hold that thought, Elijah.

- Woman: Hey, Roger.

- It's your biggest fan,

Shania Twain.

- Roger? Roger!

- Do you read me?

- Oh. Hey, Crystal.

- Sorry.

Were you just dreaming

about being in his spot?

Uh, no. I was just getting ready

to do the traffic report.

Micky, get this. Traffic guy

wants to do what you do.

Oh, this just in, Crystal,

not everyone can get the city

buzzing like Micky Fly.

It's not that funny.

It's not funny?

Crystal:

Wait a second.

You didn't think "Buzzin' like

Micky Fly" was funny?

You know how long it took me

to perfect this laugh?

Years.

f*ck' years.

You don't learn to laugh

like this in radio school, guy.

Let's hear your laugh,

traffic boy.

Yeah.

Can you

say something funny?

This guy needs

a lead-in.

Okay, man.

No, I don't. Watch.

I'll laugh

out of the blue.

Let me give you

some free advice.

I didn't become Winnipeg's

top laugher by f*cking around.

Yeah, pay attention.

My laugh used to

be a wild stallion,

'til I threw

a lasso on it.

I tamed it

and combed its mane.

Now, it will do

what I say when I say it.

Here, girl.

Ah, here it comes.

Just over the horizon.

Wow.

Kid, you gotta

control your laugh,

or your laugh

will control you.

- All right.

- Now, get on the air.

There's an umbrella in

the middle of Portage

and traffic's

at a stand-still.

Paul: All right, caller,

you're on the air!

Gramps:

Slow the f*ck down, boy,

and stop breathing so heavy.

What do you want, Gramps?!

Gramps:

Oh, I lost a transmission

driving over an umbrella once.

Boy, it still

pisses me off.

You gotta let that go, man.

Gramps:

Oh, just keep reading.

All the elders want

to know how it ends.

Well, leave me alone, den!

Wait a minute.

This looks like

a good part.

This could be

the end of me.

- Roger!

- Roger, get in here!

- Hurry!

- Yeah, I'll call you back.

- What's up?

- Another umbrella?

No, it's Micky!-

He just started laughing at one

of his own jokes

- and now he just

- he can't stop.

I can't!

- A laugh flu.

- I've heard of that!

Some DJs,

they never come out.

Micky:

You gotta control your laugh

You gotta control your laugh,

or your laugh will control you.

The stallion

finally bucked him.

Can you get on the air?

Have you been practicing

your laughing schtick?

- Oh, sh*t yeah.

- Wanna hear it?

- No, there's

- there's no time! Just--

Just get in there

and tame the beast. Go!

Now, Roger!

You're listening

to Toba 89.6

Winnipeg's Okayest

Rock Station.

I'm DJ Roger Laughingmug.

Laughinghat?

Laughing tire?

Why is there a tire

in here?

- Wait!

- Laughingstick!

Roger Laughingstick.

Paul: sh*t!

I f*cked up Roger's storybook!

Jo, I need more pop money.

Fok'n guy.

Paul:

Sorry, Grouse Lake.

We're having, uh,

technical difficulties.

The words are all melted.

Caller, you're on!

Dean: Hey, man.

You f*cked up Roger's memory.

It's actually

pronounced "memoir."

It's French!

It means telling your own story!

- Dean: Nah, bro.

- It's called a memory,

because he's

remembering his life.

Just read a dry part.

Duh! What do you

think I'm trying to do?

- Okay, here's something.

- Chapter N'shwaaswi.

"To thine own self be true."

Mn'ehh.

"I'm not going to lie.

There was nothing more powerful

than having white people

hang on your every word."

Do you like it?

- Like it?

- I love it.

I always knew

you'd make it, Roger.

Even way back when you were just

a stupid no-talent traffic guy.

Speaking of traffic,

that the new guy?

Were you just dreaming

about being in his spot?

I was just getting ready

to do the traffic report.

Roger, get this. Traffic guy

wants to do what you do.

Hey, kid.

Comb that mane

or a stallion will

lasso the horizon.

- Hey, Micky.

- You missed a spot.

You're riffing with Roger.

Man:

Hey, Roger. It's me!

Who's me?

Uncle McKay

up in Grouse Lake.

More like Gross Lake.

Uncle McKay:

Enough, boy.

I'm just calling

because you gotta come home

and host treaty days.

Everyone misses you.

I'll have my manager

call my agent

and see

if I have any openings.

- Uncle McKay: Okay, great!

- We can't wait to see--

Paul: What the f*ck!?

You're telling me,

Roger can take off to the city

and act good, but when I do it

everyone hates me?

- That's bullshit!

- Caller, you're on!

Chickadee:

It's different when you did it,

because you're

a massive chode.

Oh, looks like we lost

the caller.

Sorry, Chickadee.

Must be real windy over there

in as*h*le Lane.

Chapter

N'shwaasmitaana.

"The bologna

slices were thick,

but the ham slices

were even thicker.

Things were cooking.

It was getting hot

in the studio,

but I was getting

even cooler outside."

♪My life is a stereo ♪

♪Turn me on

and let's go ♪

♪Turn me up louder ♪

♪I'll scream as loud

and clear as I can scream ♪

♪And if you like

what you're hearing ♪

♪Please hang on to me ♪

- There you are.

- You're late.

- Am I?

- Or are you early?

- No, no.

- You're definitely late.

We had to grab two guys

to fill in for you.

Micky Fly

and the traffic guy?

Two DJs at the same time

will never work.

I love you, Roger,

you know I do,

but you're the one

that's sliding.

Now, hurry up.

We'll swap you back in at break.

Hey, is that my hot sauce?

These look great!

They got the sauce part right,

but it's missing the hot!

That's because it's ketchup.

What?

Uh, the company put

the wrong sauce in the bottle,

but we can

send it back, okay?

Nah, just keep it.

Everything's spicy

to white people.

Greg: Actually, on behalf of

white people, I object to that.

Oh. Hey, Greg.

Greg: It feels like

a generalization to say

that everything is

spicy to white people.

I've been known to go a little

heavy on the pepper myself--

Oh, shut up, Greg!

- Where was I?

- Oh, yeah.

The part where Roger

was acting way too good.

Here we go.

"I only ever looked

ahead to the future,

but every once in a while,

your past catches up."

Crystal:

Your interview's here.

Interview?

Crystal:

From the band Big Makwa.

Says she knows you

from back home.

Oh, right.

She has a single out

called "Eagle Heart,"

and you agreed to

feature it, remember?

I guess

I can squeeze her in,

but I'm not taking

these cucumbers off.

Well, if it ain't

old Roger Dodger.

I remember swimming around in

ditches with you in our diapers.

Maybe you haven't heard,

but I don't swim around

in diapers anymore.

- h*'leh, Roger.

- Just f*ck' around.

All this fame is getting

to your cucumber head.

- Crystal: All right, let's go.

- You're on.

Welcome back to

Laughingstick in the Afternoon.

I've got none other than

my good old friend Deedee

from Big Makwa with

her latest hit, "Pigeon Heart."

"Eagle Heart!"

They're all birds to me.

Since when do you

laugh like that?

Let's just play the song.

Are you trying to ruin

the show?

Look at you,

part Elton John,

part veggie platter.

Okay, now you're jealous.

I don't know whether

to slap you silly

or dip you

in ranch dressing.

You're the one acting good,

with your leather jacket.

Actually,

where did you get that?

Look, Roger,

I ain't here for my song.

Then what do you want?

Been on the road too long,

- and for what?

- Fame?

Who needs it?

If you're tired,

take a nap.

I'm going home.

And you,

you should come with me.

Think about it.

Me as chief,

you hosting the radio.

Grouse Lake would be deadly!

You want me to

leave all of this.

Why the hell not?

Because I got everything

a man could ask for here.

Look, Roger, people talk.

I know what happened to Micky,

and if you let all this sh*t

get to your already big head,

then

Boom!

That's never going

to happen to me.

I'll be leaving

in three days,

and I'm going to buy

two tickets to Grouse Lake.

The rest is up to you.

Paul:

All right.

Here we go.

- Chapter Ningodwaak.

- The Last Laugh.

"Things may have gotten carried

away for your old pal Roger,

but Laughingstick wasn't

about to laugh his head off."

We're going

to miss you, Roger,

but I wish you well

on your vision quest.

h*'leh, woman.

I'm just going home.

So, you're really leaving?

Would a dual valve espresso

machine change your mind?

Sounds nice,

but no thanks.

A spoon rack.

For the coffees?

That's right!

And we could get you all

those humidifiers that you need.

- Really?

- What about a pay raise.

Of course!

I could even get you all those

expensive creams you like.

A bottle

for every body part.

I'm going to

have to say no, Crystal.

Well, can't say

I didn't try.

Paul: All right,

Grouse Lake.

If you're still with us,

we're shutting her down.

No more calls,

no more words.

And, Roger,

if you're out there,

we want you back.

I don't know how

you do any of this.

I've been on the air

for just a few hours,

and I already

need a nap.

And you showed me that

you can come back from the city

and you don't have

to be a giant dink.

And you also taught us

that it was Chief Jo's

budget cuts that made you

go away in the first place,

and I love the fact

that she f*cked up

way more than I ever did.

- Sorry, Jo.

- I'm all out of pop money.

This DJ is signing off.

- Eh, f*ck off, Paul.

- I had to.

Deedee let the budget

get way out of control.

But you also beat

Deedee in the election.

Jo, she's the reason

he came back.

- Okay, already.

- I'll get him back then.

Roger:

Hello, Grouse Lake.

Old Laughingstick is back.

But only for a sec.

Thanks to Paul

for reading my memoir.

But if I woulda known

that someone was gonna

read my memoir on air,

I never would have left it

perfectly placed under a lamp.

I am outraged,

but mostly at Chief Jo.

I know you probably

have questions.

And looky here.

We have

a surprise guest.

- Hi, Roger.

- Chief Jo here.

I just wanted to take

a minute to, you know--

Go on.

To say

just say stuff that

makes you feel better.

Like what kind

of stuff, Jo?

That that's a nice shirt.

And?

You can have your budget back.

- I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.

- Can you speak up?

You can have

your budget back.

And?

And you're the best

and we need you?

Okay?

This is bullshit!

You heard it, people.

Chief Jo needs

old Laughingstick back.

The board

is lighting up.

It's good to be back,

Grouse Lake!

This one's for you, Deedee.

♪

Hi, there.

You might remember me from

such things as the radio.

This sauce is as red

as the road our people

walk on,

and you too, white man,

can now walk the same road.

You can put my red sauce

on anything you like.

Basically, anything that

you would put ketchup on,

but it's not ketchup.

Chief Red Sauce.

It's definitely not ketchup.

♪My life is a stereo ♪

♪Turn me on and let's go ♪

♪Turn me up louder ♪

♪I'll scream as loud

and clear as I can scream ♪

♪And if you like

what you're hearing ♪

♪Please hang on to me ♪

♪

♪Well, I like being here ♪

♪And I'm all hooked up wrong ♪

♪Hang on to me ♪

♪Though I'm one of a million ♪

♪One of a million,

one of a million ♪