02x05 - The Flighting Grouse

[bunniefuu]

(dogs barking)

Y'all think this is going to get

the dogs out of the lodge?

f*ck' better, man. Those dogs

have been in there for weeks.

Stephen Harper, get over here.

Hi, fellows. I'm ready.

I've been stretching

all morning.

Okay. All right. Put

this wiener vest on, all right?

You guys are coming to get me,

right?

Yeah, man. Sure thing.

Hit it!

Holy heck!

(barking)

- Get him.

- (barking continues)

All right.

We're back in business, bro.

Oh, it smells like this!

(barking continues)

No. Bad dog. Bad.

When my friends get here,

you're in big trouble.

♪ Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

Roger: You're listening to

Laughingstick in the morning.

It may be sunny outside,

but it's a dark day

in Grouse Lake

because there's a new chief

and council.

- (knocking on door)

- Jo: Roger? We need to talk.

Roger:

Holeh. I'm on the air, Jo.

Jo:

Just cut to a song.

Roger: Up next, we have

the country-pop classic,

"She's Drinkin' Beer 'Cause

Her Pregnancy Test Is Clear"

by Huck Wilber

and the Six Tooth Lightning.

Jo, I'm kind of busy

being the voice

of the people here.

That's what

I wanted to talk to you about.

I been looking over the budget

your friggin' bestie Deedee

gave you,

and I'm a confused.

Like, why do you need

so many humidifiers?

It's a dusty rez, Jo.

I got to keep this voice pure.

And why so many

expensive creams?

Because I have

so many body parts.

You wouldn't know the

first thing about moisturizing.

You could sand a canoe

with those crusty elbows.

I'm going to have to cut

your budget.

Oh, yeah?

I bet you're going to tell me

that I don't need

a dual-boiler espresso machine.

Waste of money.

This is happening

because I supported Leon.

No. This is happening

because you don't need

a rack of collectible spoons

to host a radio show.

They stir my coffees.

With all the money we save,

we could hire other radio hosts.

Wouldn't you like that?

Take time off?

Does a sunset take time off

from being majestic?

Yeah. It's called nighttime.

Listen, Roger.

This is the way it's got to be,

and believe me,

I take no pleasure in it.

Announcer:

And we're back

with the Native Volleyball

Association final,

as the Ojibway team

from Long Plain First Nation

takes on the little Inuit town

of Resolute.

It's a close game

here in the fifth set,

tied two to two, with Long

Plain looking to close it out.

Yo. Check it out.

A guy from Resolute

named "INUKMAN4U"

- is talking smack online.

- What'd he say?

"You Ojibways are all thick

from the moose meat."

You going to stand for that?

f*ck' trolls, man.

Get out of the way.

Let Uncle deal with this.

That's pretty big talk

from a little man

way the f*ck up north.

Chickadee:

Oh, sh*t.

He called you a Southern belle

in a pretty little ribbon skirt.

Man, f*ck this guy.

- We're the real true north.

- Yeah.

Watch this.

You guys are just miserable

'cause you never get to see

the sun.

It's f*cking beautiful.

I'm looking at it right now.

- Ah!

- (horn blaring)

Announcer: And there it is!

- Long Plain wins again.

- Yeah!

Look at those babies

from Resolute. Just cheesed.

What? He says,

"Long Plain only won

because they're colonized,

just like you guys."

Say something that'll

really cook his blubber.

Eat my whole jeet,

you f*ck' beluga butt.

(laughing) Yeah!

Ba-ba-bam.

Wait, wait.

He's typing something.

I see the dots.

He logged off! (shouting)

Long Plain! Long Plain!

Long Plain! Long Plain!

Hey, Jo. Ooh, sorry.

Chief Jo.

So, are you ready to speak

at the community dinner

for health week tomorrow?

What? Why is the health centre

telling me now?

Oh, they actually told us

three weeks ago.

I'm telling you now.

Rose, really?

Oh, Chief Deedee

would just wing it.

Well, Chief Deedee left me

with a decade of paperwork,

and I have to get to

the nursing station.

Oh. For your foot thing?

Yeah. It's getting worse.

Apparently,

fungus grows real fast.

Oof.

Honestly,

when I take my sock off,

it smells like corn chips.

Okay. That's enough.

Really, my foot's all chapped

like a dog's a*s.

I've got some e-mails to ignore.

(sniffing) Ooh! Ooh.

(phone ringing)

Sagatay Lodge. Paul speaking.

This is Aqqalu of Resolute.

Is this that b*tch-a*s

Ojibway keyboard warrior?

Yo. Is this Inuk Man

from the internets?

They gave you guys telephones?

You Ojibways talk some sh*t

on the internet,

but you're talking to me, now,

bro, man to man.

Why don't you go play

with your stupid whales

and your stupid seals with

the funny-looking moustaches?

You guys are dense and dumb,

like the bush you live in.

You guys are all up there

sliding around

on frozen tectonic plates.

Your people ruined APTN

with your bannock cooking shows.

You guys even get APTN?

If we don't get APTN,

then how come they did a story

on how crazy I am?

I want to fight you right now.

Oh, I'm begging for it.

I'll get down on my knees

and beg.

Wait.

Can you even see your knees?

All you got to do

is just show up.

But you won't,

because you're too small

and you're too far away.

(beeping phone off)

Holy, bro. That just got heated.

Yeah. That was pretty intense.

Those were just jokes, man.

That sh*t's fine

on the internet,

but that phone call

made it way too real.

Yeah, man. What if

he comes looking for you?

He have to come from

way the f*ck up north,

near the Baffin Islands?

You'd got to be crazy

to come here.

♪

(mosquito buzzing)

f*ck' boreal bullshit.

Jo:

Bertha.

Oh, my foot is so chapped

there's pus coming out of it.

Oh.

You're not the regular nurse.

Nope. I'm Logan.

I'm just in from the city.

So, I understand that

you're Chief Jo

and you have a foot fungus.

Nope. That the other chief.

We have two chiefs,

both named Jo.

- You have two Chief Jo's?

- One is Chief Joe.

Ends with an "e."

I probably should get going now.

I thought this was the bathroom.

Is it hot in here?

I feel like you're

really getting hot in here.

Like, you know, nerdy hot,

yoga way.

Not that you're hot.

Okay. Well, this is for

Jo with no "e."

I'm going to go now.

Okay. Well, uh,

if you see Chief Joe

with an "e,"

tell him to take this cream

and put it on twice a day.

And if there's any pus,

tell him it's okay.

That's just part of the healing.

And he'd be, like,

"I'm Aqqalu from Resolute.

I cheer for

shitty volleyball teams."

And I'm, like,

"It's time to go nap time!"

(knocking on door)

Did somebody order

an a*s-whooping?

Oh. Hey, Paul.

It's the crazy guy

from the internet.

(alarm blaring)

Rita:

That was Little Stevie

and the sh*t Hawks

with the "Berens River Boogie,"

and this is Auntie Rita

in the afternoon

with the new gossip show,

"Didja Heard."

Crazy aunties need to call in

and make my day.

Female caller:

Didja heard about Gordon?

No. What happened?

Spill the tea.

Caller:

Heard he was shacked up with

Lorraine's cousin's nephew.

Caught them kissing on a quad.

Ooh. That's some steeped tea.

Caller:

Gordon's got a keemotch.

Just happy for those kings.

Next on the line?

Male caller:

Just wondering where Roger is.

He just makes

my whole day better.

I don't know

what I'd do without him.

Jo:

Rose? Rose!

Damn it, Rose.

Why the hell didn't you tell me

we had a new hot nurse?

Logan?

Ah, he's too nerdy for you.

You like meat heads

who fix skidoos.

But this guy got me,

with his tight pants

and his size-12 uniform shoes

and his white lab coat.

Wait. He did?

God. I--

I got to have

deadly chief energy.

I can't be seen

mooning over some guy.

So, what are you going to do?

Every time a guy

gets all up in your head,

you can't let it go.

As if.

I'll forget him by tomorrow.

Okay. Here's what

we're going to do.

Wait. What do you mean "we"?

So, this is Paul?

Yeah. You going to kick his a*s?

That's the f*ck' plan.

So, you going to stay the night?

Yes, please.

I got a fight tomorrow,

so I got to check out

first thing.

Hey, Paul? Our first customer

since the dogs left.

Are you going to need

a wake-up call?

Yes, please. I like to get

a jump-start on the day.

The Wi-Fi password?

- Lowercase "d."

- Go on.

That's it. Lowercase "d."

All one word, lowercased.

Got it.

Do you smoke, man?

There's no smoking.

I only smoke people

with big mouths

who talk sh*t on the internet.

All right. Well, just sign here,

and here's your key.

And your room is just past

the big scared guy.

Thank you very much.

Remember.

The bigger guy takes

the bigger punch.

(whimpering fearfully)

Jo:

Logan, my friend hurt her ankle.

She needs a look.

Yeah. Something's loose.

Okay. So, what happened?

I fell off a building.

A building?

Luckily, I was there,

'cause I'm so calm

under pressure.

Well, hop on up.

I'll check you out.

Okay.

Sorry. Not you.

Just kidding.

I have a real deadly sense

of humour.

Okay. Be careful.

I'll be really delicate here.

Ow!

Logan:

That's interesting.

Okay. That's enough.

You can put her foot down now.

- Yeah.

- Just put it down.

Your ankle does look fine.

How tall was that building?

It's a good thing I got there

before it got worse,

which is crazy, because

I'm usually so busy being chief.

Okay. Well, just go home

and put some ice on it,

and, uh, take

the regular pain medication.

Maybe stay off

any tall buildings.

(laughing)

Okay. You heard him, Rose.

You can go now.

Actually, do you like food?

Of course.

(chuckling)

There's a community dinner

for health week.

Oh, that's cool.

I'm all about healthy food.

Yeah. And last time I went,

there was an empty chair

next to me.

Not because nobody wanted

to sit next to me

or thinks I'm a loser.

- Oh, I'm sure they don't.

- Yeah.

So, if you like food,

and there's an empty seat--

You want me to--

Just the chair,

it's just so empty. It's--

You want me to sit by you?

Okay, guy. This isn't a date.

But I'll see you there.

You can sit next to me,

and we can eat together?

Yeah. Sure.

Still got it.

What's that?

I still got it.

Uh, the foot fungus.

Oh.

Yo. Look what this guy uses

for a toothbrush.

Yo. Check out Aqqalu.

Fok'n guy's fighting a bear,

man!

We should call someone for help.

Paul:

No, no, no.

Let nature take its course.

f*ck' guy's holding his own,

man.

Guy's as strong as that bear.

Come on, brother bear.

Use your claws!

Bite him! Ugh.

Come on. Fight!

He just kicked that bear

in the nuts.

Holy f*ck!

The bear is down, man.

Rita:

'Morning, Grouse Lake.

You're listening to Auntie Rita

in the morning,

with my new co-host--

No. You're listening to

Laughingstick in the morning

with my co-host.

And here we are--

Pride of the Ojibway Nation

is on the line today,

as Paul seems to have bit off

more than he can chew.

And if you know Paul,

that's not easy.

Breaking news.

Rita, co-host

of many fantastic shows,

is retiring

from Grouse Lake Radio.

No, I ain't.

Rita, you're a real one.

But Chief Jo said I can--

We're all going to miss you.

For those of you

listening at home and can't see

what's going on,

Rita, with tears in her eyes,

is making her way to the door

for the very last time.

I'll remember that.

Who wants money

on Aqqalu the Destroyer?

Paul, my boy.

Mom. There you are.

I put $20 on you,

so go at him early

and get dirty if you have to.

Mom!

Good luck, my son, even though

you don't need it.

You're my big tough

fighting boy.

It's on, meat.

This is who you're fighting?

Yeah.

You got to put a stop to this.

Ah. I'll see what I can do.

Okay. Chickadee, switch my bet.

I want $20

on Aqqalu the Destroyer.

Rose, how do I look?

Uh, strong.

You look really strong.

Thanks.

Hey. These are mine.

Go on. Get, get, get.

Oh. Hey, Logan.

Hi.

Right here.

Is everything all right

with them?

Oh, don't worry.

They're just drug dealers.

- No.

- But not on my watch.

I said,

"Not during health week."

Logan: Hey, look at that.

Right on time.

Uh, whoa. Is that--

Is that turkey covered in gravy?

Everything in moderation.

Hi there.

Do you like the turkey

with salad

or the stuffing?

It's made with cranberry

and duck fat.

- Oh! The one with--

- Duck fat?

- Duck fat.

- Mm-hmm.

But it's health week.

We'll obviously have the salad.

Obviously the salad.

(whispering)

Save me a plate for later.

Hey.

Ding-ding-ding.

Time out!

Oh, I'm going to fight you

harder now.

Lips, get over here.

Do something about this.

You're the cops.

Sorry, Paul.

This is all on the up-and-up.

We've got to be doing

something ill*gal here.

You gave written consent to

fight him

after you said

he has a beluga butt online,

so this fight's legal.

Fine. But if he kills me,

you're not invited to

my funeral,

and they're going to have

the best sandwiches.

- Like, what kind of sandwiches?

- Your favourite kind.

I'm going to give you

the first punch.

And after that,

it's out of my control.

Logan: I can't believe they put

duck fat in the stuffing.

I know, right?

You're the chief. You should

get up and say something.

Like, right now?

Excuse me. You.

Fried bannock?

During health week?

Okay. And you know what?

Might as well let

those two monsters sell crack.

I'm going to say

a little something here.

Hi, everyone.

I'm the nurse practitioner here,

and I cannot believe

that they would serve bannock

during health week events.

And I know that Chief Jo here

feels the same way.

(booing)

Guys, bannock is

not even Indigenous.

(booing intensifies)

The Scots brought bannock here,

anyways.

Come on. How colonized are you?

What the f*ck did he just say?

Please, Jo. Come. Tell them.

Man:

Come on, Jo.

Yeah. Health week.

You know what I think

would be really healthy?

If you left and never came back.

Others:

Yeah!

Just for your information,

the Scots

may have brought bannock here,

but we fok'n perfected it. f*ck!

(cheering and applause)

And as your new chief,

I'm officially declaring

health week bannock week.

(cheering and applause)

Go on. Get out of here. f*ck.

Go on.

Now, somebody bring me

that duck fat stuffing!

(muttering)

No more f*cking around.

(retching)

- (grunting)

- Hey!

Oh, pretty fast

for a big fellow.

I can-- But, uh, I'm--

(laughing nervously)

- (shouting)

- ♪ My first real novel ♪

Paul!

Here.

(shouting)

(cowbell clanging)

What the f*ck is this?

A wiener vest?

You think it's going to stop me?

No, beluga butt.

But he will.

Oh, sh*t. A dog.

I have one rule.

I don't fight dogs.

Call it off. Call it off!

Why does it have to be a dog?

Hey, man. North's that way.

It's Laughingstick

in the evening,

and you know what?

I've always had to fight

for what I wanted.

But maybe I'm done fighting.

Maybe I'm not

appreciated enough.

But it could always be worse.

I could be Stephen Harper.

Hey. Psst.

(dogs barking,

crickets chirping)

Can I have a hot dog?

I ate all of mine.

Sure, but you're going to

have to fight me for it.

(barking continues)

(men singing

in Indigenous language)

♪