02x04 - L'il Tonys in the Mist

[bunniefuu]

Roger: Well, Grouse Lake,

it's debate day.

Do we stick with Chief Deedee

or shake things up

and choose Councillor Jo?

Can't decide?

The candidates' debate

takes place this afternoon,

hosted by yours truly.

(imitating Roger)

In the meantime,

here's Harold Meesh

and the Bushy Ones

with "Short and Curly Blues."

(in normal voice) So?

Did I sound like you or what?

You sound nothing like me.

Now, get out of my seat.

♪ Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

Lips:

If elected chief,

what will you do in the event of

a meteor strike?

Lips, they're not going to ask

about no damn meteor strike

at the debate.

You need to be ready, Jo.

Let's discuss

the voting strategies.

The Grouse Lake family tree.

Families in Grouse Lake

vote together.

You have enough

to get 40% of the vote.

Families love me.

- Deedee has the same.

- Stupid families.

But look here.

The McKay family vote

is up for grabs

since Cousin Leon left.

That'll push you over the top.

So, you're saying I got to kiss

Beanpole's hairy arse?

Not just Beanpole's hairy arse,

but Gramps and Sterling, too.

Ugh. So much hairy arse.

But if you get all three,

they'll spread the word,

and you're in.

Lips, get the lip balm.

We got some hairy arse to kiss.

It still smells like salami

in here.

I actually like that part.

He really treated those lice

like they were his babies.

Yeah. Yuck.

You know what's scary, though?

A kookum

with only one grandchild.

I want to get back with Rose,

too.

But she's with

Stephen Harper now.

- Do you love her?

- Of course.

Well, then,

you need to get tradish.

When I was your age,

a guy walked by your house

over and over

until you noticed them.

Then what?

Then, a woman would go outside

and flirt with him,

or her father would

chase them away with a shovel.

It's the old rez walk-by, Paul.

It's a classic move

that stands the test of time.

That sounds like stalking.

And the more confident

you walk by,

the more pregnant she gets.

Mom!

I got a movie for you, bro.

Dean! You scared me.

I actually don't need a movie.

I'm just here for popcorn.

Who eats popcorn without movies?

Oh, it's for my good friend,

Peter Popcorn.

Peter Popcorn?

He moved away years ago.

Where did you get your movie,

Lips?

Come on, man. Don't make me say.

Give it to me straight, Lips.

I got it from L'il Tony.

- Son of a bits!

- I'm sorry.

I came by the bus

and you weren't there.

This fok'n job.

And L'il Tony's guys

brings the movies right to you.

I'm not going to lie, Lips.

That stings more than

the last time

you got a movie from L'il Tony.

Leave me alone.

I got to feed my feelings.

(gavel pounding)

The rules are simple.

Candidates are asked

a hard-hitting question.

They wow us with their answer.

Let's begin.

We're in a climate crisis.

The elders say

the land is changing.

Chief Deedee, how would you

handle a meteor strike?

Jo:

Ever stupid, that question.

Good question.

And I would like to answer

with a song

that I just wrote exclusively

for the McKay Family.

♪ Sweet Sinclair,

you're the greatest family ♪

♪ I swear, Sweet Sinclair ♪

You sang that to the Sinclairs

in the last election.

(murmuring)

Did I?

Settle down.

Councillor Jo, what would you do

in the event of a meteor strike?

Seriously?

Okay, fine.

A meteor blast

would k*ll billions.

Everyone else would die

in a hellish wasteland.

Holy land before time.

Should've just reused

a shitty song.

Meh.

Roger:

Behold the Grouse Lake male.

This may look like

a casual stroll,

but it's actually

an elaborate mating ritual.

The old rez walk-by.

The Grouse Lake male

shows his interest in the female

by slowly walking

back and forth.

It's a delicate dance of

seduction as old as time itself.

But wait.

A lesser male approaches.

The Grouse Lake male

has asserted his dominance,

protecting the target

of his affections.

Dean. Oh, Dean.

I was just looking for you.

Uh, no way, man.

I was looking for you.

I got to get out of here.

You just had two days off

for the weekend, Dean.

I told you when I started,

I ain't no corporate sellout,

button-down, corn-fed, uptight,

button-pushing

marshmallow m*therf*cker.

I'm the movie man.

You still do that? Huh.

Well, listen. I have been

crunching the numbers,

and your idea to

sell single wieners--

Just say "loosies," bro.

Loosies? I don't like it.

Listen. That has been

an absolute windfall

for the store.

Do I get a cut?

No, but thanks to you,

the Grouse Lake North Store

is the leader in sales

for the quarter.

Man, that means nothing to me.

Well, it means a lot

to the people upstairs. Dean?

Listen. I can't let you quit.

Man, I just need

a little time off.

Okay. Ah.

Let's call it a sabbatical.

Nah, man.

I just need a break from

my regular routine, you know?

With pay.

That's literally a sabbatical,

Dean.

Whatever. It's time

the movie man met his match.

(gasping)

Really wish you wouldn't

do that.

It's the fifth vest

I've had to burn this week.

Rose, come check this out.

- I'm busy.

- Quickly.

There's a horse outside

that looks just like Comanche.

Okay.

Don't be mad, but it's Paul.

Stephen Harper.

He's doing the walk-by.

Like, the walk-by?

Yeah.

So simple. So effective.

A true classic.

Oh, Paul.

No. I mustn't.

You must.

My mum met my dad the same way.

Go to him.

(door opening and closing)

You got this, hon.

Let nature take its course.

Dean:

Lips!

You owe me, man.

Give me everything you got

on L'il Tony.

I don't have much, Dean.

He went underground.

He's a ghost.

But you got something.

These are the only known photos.

I told you. A ghost.

Is this it?

Some candy wrappers,

a few marbles, a shoelace.

It's all we got.

So, how do I find him?

I used echolocation, and I got

back some interesting pings.

What the hell is that?

It's where I yell "echo"

out into the bush,

and the sound waves

travel back to me

and tell me what's out there.

So, what did they tell you?

My best guess?

He's somewhere around here.

Dean?

Dean? Where'd you go?

Echo!

Rose:

Hey, Paul.

I couldn't help but notice

you walking by, over and over.

And I know you hate walking.

Do I? Huh.

I guess for you,

I'd walk by anytime.

Speaking of walking,

I'm just stepping out.

So, my house is all yours.

Shut up, Stephen Harper.

Hmm. Let's go to my house.

I just got rid of all the lice.

Do you want to change first?

What's wrong with

what I'm wearing?

I mean, those are your sad

breakup clothes.

What?

Those are good for

Stephen Harper,

but I literally just walked

all the way over here.

And you can walk

all the way back.

Damn it, Paul!

Sterling, my old pal.

My big old jacked buddy.

(laughing)

Hey, Jo. I was just getting

my cardio in before I pump iron.

Oh, yeah?

I'm going to bench

my face off, bro.

Notice my gains?

I have noticed your gains.

And I've also noticed your legs.

That's weird.

People have been saying

you look like a chimp

with seagull legs.

- For real?

- Yeah.

But I told those people,

"No way."

But now that I'm close

What?

you look like

you could use a leg press.

You know?

Balance everything out.

Sick. You'd do that for me?

Yeah.

Don't even mention it.

On that vote,

I better get going.

"Note." Not "vote."

Oh, too embarrassing.

Well, you got my vote.

You don't even have to do that.

But do it.

(engine revving)

(knocking on window)

Paul, I come to you

at great risk.

What do you want,

Stephen Harper?

Shh. Rose mustn't see me here.

Is that why you're dressed up

like Lord of the Rings or what?

Let me help you with Rose.

Think about it.

You, me, teaming up to take

the love of our life.

You want to help me help you

win my girlfriend back from you?

Precisely.

Let me in so we may plot.

No. I like you better out there.

If we're going to win Rose back,

we need to break you guys up.

Excellent.

Give me all the dirt

you have on yourself.

I got a good one.

Once, when I was nine,

I took some gummy bears

from the store.

And get this.

I didn't pay for them.

f*ck you, Stephen Harper.

Gramps, are you busy?

I know why you're here.

You want to be chief.

Well, yeah, but I was think--

I want pickerel once a week.

Done. But am I supposed to

catch it, or--

Damn kids can't play

that devil music loud.

I don't know why anyone

doesn't write songs

about sh**ting men

in the cold blood anymore.

- Man. That was music.

- Okay.

And there's too many torn jeans

out there.

Can't mums sew anymore?

Okay. I'll see what I can do

about it.

You know, you're

the only candidate that has

stuck around to hear me griping.

Does this mean I have your vote?

Oh, wow. Not yet.

This is just my shortlist.

Oh.

You know

what really burns my a*s?

Birds!

They're always flying around.

Where they going?

Easy, bros and broettes.

Drop your weapons.

You first.

Looks like we got ourselves

an old-fashioned

elastic band standoff.

I just came here to talk.

Just came here to talk, eh?

All right, all right.

Just take me to L'il Tony, okay?

Rose:

Stephen Harper,

why is the toilet seat up?

Because I left it up.

So, you're standing up

to pee now?

What's going on?

I'm putting my foot down.

On the ground.

What are you talking about?

Because I'm a man,

and a man needs to lay down

the law.

Oh-h*-h*-h*! This is it.

She's fok'n cheesed.

Role play, eh?

Oh, hey, Beanpole.

What do you want, Jo?

I've been thinking.

We need to put

our differences aside.

You just want my vote.

Fine. I do want your vote.

Then maybe you can get

a f*cking time machine

and go back to Grade 6

and un-wedgie me.

- I just wanted--

- You want my vote?

You need to earn my respect.

Let's fok'n do it, then.

You, me.

Remote control car race

in front of everyone.

That's it? Fine.

But when I win, I get your vote.

Let's do this.

You know I've never lost

a race before?

Well, get ready to have your a*s

handed to you.

- Oof.

- Not even.

Moo breath.

Whoa.

Boy: I once saw a weasel

try to stick its head

into an empty pop bottle.

What?

That's my dream.

That's my nightmare.

A weasel

trying to stick its head

inside an empty pop bottle.

What the f*ck are

you saying, man?

I know who you are

and I know why you're here.

Dean:

L'il Tony?

You're a lot littler

than I thought.

When I heard you left your post

to work at the North Store,

it was I

who became the movie man.

While you were selling hoagies,

I became king.

But do you know what it's like

to be putting movies on USBs

all day, all night?

I do know what it's like.

I was a young movie man.

You ever heard of VHS?

My spirit grows tired, Dean.

I knew you'd come here today.

I want this to end.

I know what I must do.

What now?

You do what kids do. Play games.

- You're it.

- Tag.

What am I supposed to do?

You're it, bro. Go get him.

♪

(glass squeaking)

Oh, me.

The windows are getting

real steamy in there.

She must be doing

a lot of yelling.

What the hell took so long?

What, you guys doing a puzzle

in there or something?

This plan isn't working.

- Yeah. No sh*t.

- What do we do now?

On your phone, in your contacts,

change my name to Sexy Lady.

And then leave it somewhere

where Rose will find it.

Done.

(exhaling sharply)

Rose, I'm just going to be

in the bathroom, cleaning.

Okay. Not too long.

I need to lay down the law

again.

(phone chiming)

What the f*ck?

All day long.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Tress.

Rose!

This was Stephen Harper's idea.

What's going on? Did it work?

I knew you'd be helping Paul.

Both of you, out of here, now.

But--

- But this is my house.

- f*ck!

It's the big showdown

between Jo Bittern

and Beanpole McKay.

If Beanpole loses,

and that's a big if,

the McKay family will vote

for Jo in the election.

If Jo loses, she will suffer

great, great,

great public humiliation.

It's a great day

for RC car racing!

(everyone cheering)

On your mark. Get set. Go!

Jo wins!

(cheering and applause)

Thank you.

Miigwech.

Feels shitty saying this,

but the McKay family

will vote for you, Jo.

Thanks, Mavis.

But you can call me a chief.

What's wrong, bro?

How am I supposed to go home

after all I've done,

after all I've seen?

I was a god, Dean. A god.

Holy. Chill out, bro.

You're the movie man now.

Rose, I'm sorry.

I'm way more sorry

than Stephen Harper.

- Just take me back.

- Rose, look at him. He's sorry.

When I thought you were

cheating, I was furious.

Yeah. Stay furious.

But I was also scared.

Scared I'd lost you forever

to some sexy lady.

But I was the sexy lady.

Stephen Harper,

will you marry me?

Yes, yes. Yes, I will marry you.

Hmm.

(indistinct chattering)

Grouse Lake,

your new chief is

Jo Bittern.

(cheering and applause)

Guess this means

you'll get revenge

on all your political enemies.

Nah.

Onlookers:

Speech. Speech. Speech!

I only ever wanted

to help my people.

I love Grouse Lake,

and I'm so proud

to be your chief.

Miigwech.

(cheering and applause)

I guess a little revenge

is okay.

Yeah.

Rose:

Hey, chief.

Your first order of business

is to catch up on a few things

that Deedee never got around to.

Sounds simple enough.

(chuckling)

Right this way, boys.

Oh. Uh--

f*ck.

♪ Somebody save me

I know I'm going down ♪

♪ Can't help it, baby

and I don't want to now ♪

♪ I got it bad, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ But it feels so good, no ♪

♪ Somebody stop me ♪

♪ Just take my rights away ♪

♪ And when you look this good ♪

♪ Get on my knees and pray ♪

♪ I got it bad, ooh ♪