02x03 - Fasting and Furious

[bunniefuu]

Jesus, Lips.

How did my campaign get so bad?

Things got cheesed real fast.

How are we doing in the poles?

Not too good, but at least we're

not in last.

It's time to bring out

the big g*ns, Jo.

f*cking right. That's what

I'm talking about, Lips.

You really want

to beat Cousin Leon?

Let's smack his

jail tattoos right off him.

Ready for this? We're going to

gather the community together

and we're going to host

a pancake breakfast.

Every candidate does that.

Then let's get sick in the head.

What if I made

blueberry pancakes?

Come on, Lips.

Cousin Leon jarred me hard.

Pancakes ain't gonna help.

If pancakes can't

turn this election around,

I don't know what can.

I might have an idea.

♪

♪ 'Cause I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

Roger: This is your mate,

Laughingstick in the Morning.

The last of the summer

students are back.

Now, the res dogs have someone

quicker to chase than old Roger.

You know what they say.

Ripped gitches get stitches.

I'm talking about you, Edna.

Your dog owes me

a new pair of knickers.

(slurping)

(sighing)

The election has

officially reached

the pancake breakfast phase.

You know who else

could use some pancakes?

Councillor Jo.

Mm.

Roger: Not even blueberry

pancakes can save that campaign.

Yeah, f*ck that radio.

Chickadee, how are we gonna

take down Cousin Leon?

Easy. With a pack of matches

and some lighter fluid, I can--

I gotta stop you right there.

Fine then, Officer Flapjacks.

You've been in

the city too long.

You have any ideas without fire?

I'll hide a slowly

rotting carcass

underneath his floorboards.

He sleeps in a car.

Fine, I'll set him up for every

email list on the internet.

You know how annoying it is to

get off a f*cking mailing list?

He doesn't have an email

or a computer.

Got one. I'll reverse the toilet

so when he flushes

it blows right back up his a*s.

The old backwards moo.

In the business we like

to call that an "oom."

Why can't you just

do normal kid stuff?

Paul:

This toaster sucks.

This boy's been acting up since

you kicked him in the arse.

I shoulda kicked him harder.

He went from a baby

to an elder too fast.

It's unnatural!

You know what's unnatural?

His arse.

It felt like I was

kicking a bean bag chair.

Rita:

Look at that lost boy.

You're going to get

zapped there, boy.

Paul: Uh, duh. I don't know

how to use a toaster,

so I'm going to stick my whole

head inside and try to eat it

from the inside.

Guess what, dum-dums?

Hah. It's unplugged.

Pay-tuk, that's for the kettle.

(screaming)

Why didn't you guys tell me!?

(grunting)

You know, when I started

my journey into manhood,

my dad drove me to the woods,

and he left me there to fast.

A fast? He can't even slow.

(laughing)

(rattling)

Forget it, Rose. This thing

only has hoity-toity sh*t.

I got the Twilight movies

right here.

What? Those movies are so old.

"The Knackered Bobby?"

I like these British ones.

They talk funny.

'Ello. I'mma watch this

on me telly.

Careful, Rose.

Once you start

talking like them,

you'll start thinking like them.

As if, Dean.

(British accent) You're just

jealous of the Tommy box

because you think you're

the movie man, but you're not.

You're not even Little Tony.

Ta-ta.

If it isn't

the Red River reject?

School's over or did they

kick you out for being ugly?

Cut the sh*t, Cousin Leon.

Whatchu doing running for chief?

Stay in your lane, bro.

Isn't it your bedtime?

It's f*cking 2:00, bro.

You can tell time?

So you did learn

something in school.

At least I went to school.

Both:

M'nehh.

- M'nehh.

- M'nehh.

Both:

M'nehh.

All:

M'nehh.

M'nehh.

Cousin Leon:

This ain't over, huh?

What'd you

call me down here for?

'Cause your sign sucks.

Not even!

It sends a good message

and it looks like

I believe in that message.

Is that message,

"Hey, look at me,

I'm a real estate agent?"

These other signs

ain't any better.

Oh, yeah?

"I'll remember that?"

It's part threat,

but it also says,

"Hey, remember the good times?"

Somebody else says,

"Yeah. Yeah, I do."

Can't be any worse than that.

Ma, you want to be a little bit

better than Stephen Harper

or a lot better

than Cousin Leon?

Check this out. You know how

you like to get sh*t done?

Well

You shouldn't be

swearing on these!

Why?

I don't know, white people?

But it gets the people talking.

I'm sorry, but it's not me.

Don't put any of these

in the ground.

Wish you'd said that

two hours ago.

♪ Have you ever felt ♪

♪ Anything at all? ♪

(door opening)

♪ Why stand so tall? ♪

Cha! Don't turn that off!

They feel what I feel.

You're ruining cribbage!

You don't understand,

because you feel nothing!

Rita: Leave him alone.

He misses his mom.

He doesn't know how to say it.

But he doesn't have to

play this crap so loud.

Probably can't hear it

because of your ears!

Who did that to you?

Don't worry about it.

And what are these?

Dirty magazines?! Oh, my!

Now you've done it!

You've upset Rita!

Pack up,

you're going to the fast.

Is that, like,

a fast where you don't have to

eat for a couple days

or is that the one where

you have to run

around real fast?

Because I ain't doing

either of those things.

Don't make me have

to put these on!

Hurry. It's over here.

Whoever did this, must have

did it after my patrols.

Jo:

"I gotta sh*t."

Obviously it was Cousin Leon.

I gotta ask you, Jo.

Is this true?

'Cause these are

the types of things

I need to know

before an election.

Hi there.

Jo:

What do you want?

What happened to your signs, Jo?

Are the rumours true?

'Cause if you need

to sh*t so bad

then use this!

(laughing)

(whirring)

Roger: (British accent)

Hello, do you have a note to get

a decent cricket team

around here? The Queen--

Alright, out you get.

Fine, but if I die out there,

this is attempted manslaughter,

and the system doesn't give

a sh*t about how old you are.

See you tomorrow, same place.

- M'nehh.

- You know, I was scared

when I did my first fast,

but as the body gets weaker,

the soul gets stronger.

But you got the soul of a baby.

Alright, empty your pockets.

(sighing)

Oh, it smells so good.

(chuckling)

(Sniffing, groaning)

Ah.

It's a set.

I'm going to miss these boys.

(sighing)

It's still warm?

(slamming door)

You better bring all that back

when you pick me up.

My girl, you've been too

stressed over Cousin Leon.

I'm fine, ma.

- But he's kicking your arse.

- Easy.

We can turn this

into a good thing.

Oh yeah, Lips.

You're gonna turn,

"I gotta sh*t"

into a good thing?

Think about it.

Most politicians lie,

but your slogan

offers full transparency.

It's refreshing.

Let's ride

the pancakes to victory.

Ma, I just learned how to cut

someone's brake lines

on the internet.

- Hm.

- That internet is a bad place.

Pancakes.

Brake lines.

- Brucey-boy!

- Pancakes.

Brake lines.

Come and eat some

bangers and beans.

You guys shouldn't even be here.

I'm cleaning out my lice tank

and they are everywhere.

The f*ck, Bruce?

Do your thing,

but keep it legal.

Legal-ish.

♪

Fire in the hole, b*tch.

(popping)

(baby crying)

♪

Cousin Leon is a total joke.

A guy who used to rummage.

What's worse?

We don't even know

if he has to take a sh*t.

If we don't know

if he's gotta crap,

then what other

secrets is he hiding?

Vote Jo,

because f*ck that other guy.

♪

Paul: Help me, spirit guide.

I can't do it, spirit guide.

Hurry up already!

I'll eat anything right now.

Spinach. Lettuce.

Those little trees

you put cheese sauce on.

Is that you, spirit guide?

I'm ready to become

a man now, spirit guide.

Ed, get out of here!

I'm waiting for my spirit guide!

Thing is, Paul,

I am your spirit guide.

(grunting)

Well, this is horseshit.

Walk with me.

You're gonna learn some things.

Nobody told me there was

going to be walking.

Have a look. What do you see?

Ma! I'm so hungry!

They can't hear you.

Just watch and listen.

You can do that, right?

Shut up, Ed.

Excuse me, ladies, I have to

use the little girl's room.

Did ya heard that her boy

took off to the city again?

What a shame.

Just ran away from

his baby like that?

You know who I blame? Agnes.

Not a great mom.

That's not my ma's fault!

That's my fault!

The other kookums all said

she spoils him too much.

Woman: I heard she let him wash

his mooied sheet in the sink.

Stop talking sh*t!

I'm gonna remember your faces.

Get a real good look at them.

I'm back.

We were just talking about

how you're such a great mom.

Aww.

Liars! My mama's the best!

Relax, boy.

There's more up ahead.

I'm gonna fight

those old ladies.

'Allo, there, Dean.

Blimey, what do we have here?

A Jaunt in Camberwell.

Cheerio!

Cheerio is for milk.

(dialling)

Hi there, it's Doug. How can we

help you with your Tommy Box?

Yeah, man. Put on the King.

You mean, Elvis?

Look, man.

I know you work for the King,

so stop sending

your shitty British movies.

We don't want 'em.

Wait, you think the King of

England works at Tommy Box?

Yeah. He's trying to finish

colonizin' the Rez,

but you know what?

You ran into me.

Dean.

D. E. A. N. N.

Yeah, I spell it with

two Ns now because

I forgot

to stop saying Ns.

Okay, Deann.

If you have any technical

problems you need help with,

I'd be glad to help.

Oh, the King

tell you to say that?

Sir, I'm gonna have to hang up.

f*ck face says what?

Okay, you take care.

What did you say? What?

Cousin Leon: Sure, everything my

cousin Jo said about me is true.

I did rummage.

Probably opened your fridge

and looked around one time.

But what kind of leader

let's a known shitty guy

like Cousin Leon come back

after his BCR expired?

A shitty one!

Vote Cousin Leon for chief.

(eagle screeching)

We're tanking

in the polls, Lips.

Yeah, I saw that. Sorry, Jo.

Pancakes might be boring,

but stooping to

Leon's level is worse.

Hate to say I told you so.

I'd rather be lame than Leon.

Thanks?

We're going clean

the rest of the way.

Fire up those pancakes,

I'll tell Chickadee

to stand down.

♪

It's rummage time.

I swear I'm gonna

fight those old ladies

for talking sh*t about my mom.

Settle down and look over there.

Okay, so I say,

"Hello, how are you?"

Aneen ezhi-ayaa'yan?

And then you say, "I'm fine."

Ni-mino-ayaa.

Ma, I'm tryna play my game.

Do it, you handsome idiot.

Okay, my boy. Just try.

Aneen ezhi-ayaa'yan?

You're talking funny.

I don't like it.

Just do it, man.

Okay, son.

You just keep playing

your little games.

Ma. Ma! I'm sorry!

Take me back right now.

Are you sure

you know what to do?

Yeah, I'm gonna go back

and fight those old ladies

for talking sh*t about my mom.

I don't think you're ready.

Take me back right now!

You are back at your camp.

(shouting)

Ma!

Spirit Ed!

Where's my five bucks?!

Please, sir. May I have

some marmalade for these?

Marma-what?

Ma! You'll never believe--

I told you already.

We're doing pancakes.

I don't wanna hear

anything about it.

- But Ma--

- Go help Lips already.

Just want to say,

the maple syrup

is suspiciously low.

Everyone be conservative

with your squirts.

Did somebody says squirts?

No need to save your squirts.

Squirt away, everyone.

It's on us.

We don't need your squirts,

Cousin Leon.

No one invited you.

No pancakes for you.

Who wants pancakes,

when you can have a hug

from everyone's favourite guy?

Hugs?

Why didn't we think of that?!

Settle down, Lips.

Hugs are pancakes for the arms.

Bring it in.

Ma, don't hug anyone.

What now, Chickadee?

I set a rummage trap for Leon.

Chickadee!

I said we're going clean now.

Why won't you listen to me?

Someone was

rummaging in my house.

Some of my lice are missing.

Jo:

Lice?!

Who did it?

I know my lice are in here.

Jerry? Beth? L'il' Petey?

Everyone step lightly!

Everyone stay calm!

Something suspicious

is going on.

It's lice, Lips.

Pay attention.

It was Cousin Leon.

(crowd gasping)

You all thought

he changed but guess what?

Once a rummager,

always a rummager.

It's true.

I still rummage.

What's the big deal?

I don't take anything.

I just touch stuff.

Sure, I move things

around a little,

but I always put them back.

Maybe not exactly

where they were before,

but I put them back.

Busted!

Oh!

Now you're gonna turn on me?

Just because I rummage?

You all rummage.

There's a rummager

in all of you!

This place is

no good for nothing.

I can't believe

we almost elected this guy.

He's nothing

but a raccoon in a suit.

A cheap suit.

(tearing)

What are you gonna do about it?

There ain't no leader

in this place anyhow.

Like to see you try

and stop a lice outbreak, Jo.

Jo, what are we gonna do?

Call in the kookums.

See! What did I say?

Calm down. Stephen Harper and I

really enjoyed watching

The Knackered Bobby so we're

having crumpets for tea.

Those movies are

wrecking your brains, man.

Love, you're being

a real w*nk*r.

Fancy me outfit, ya plank?

It's happening.

The Tommy Box is colonizing you.

Just give these movies a chance,

they're really quite exquisite.

(goofy British accent:)

May I?

(People chatting)

Little Petey!

I thought I lost you!

Nice work, Jo. You got my vote.

Same here.

Hey, Chickadee, nice work.

Thanks, Ma.

Fancy a cup of tea?

(sparking)

All that lives must die

What

The

f*ck?

Don't ever mess with Deann.

That's Deann with two Ns.

Tommy Box:

All that lives must die

(sparking)

Hello, the King?

I'm afraid I have some

rather unfortunate news.

The King: What? I told you

that if Dean with two Ns

wasn't colonized by the weekend

that it was off with your head!

Ma!

Paul, you're not supposed to--

Nimaanendam.

What?

(sighing)

I said, nimaanendam.

Paul, you're sorry?

And, um,

Aneen ezhi shini-kazoyan?

Aneen ezhi shini-kazoyan.

Ni-kazoyan.

Well, my name is Agnes.

Ni-kazoyan.

Kee-za-gey-in.

I'm sorry, Ma.

I love you.

Ni-kazoyan.

Kazoyan.

(laughing)

Do you have any bannock?

(chuckling)

Both:

Pakanin esh-kwan-dem.

- (laughing)

- Uh-huh.

Oh, hey Jo.

What the hell

are you wearing, Lips?

No way is this guy

getting lice again.

That's too much for me, Lips.

How are we doing in the poles?

Really good actually.

♪

♪ I want fire ♪

♪ Now you know, no you don't ♪

♪ Make me repeat myself,

make me repeat myself ♪

♪ I want fire ♪

♪ Now you know, no you don't ♪

♪ Make me repeat myself,

make me repeat myself ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪

♪ We sit on the couch

and we stare at the screen ♪

♪ Someone else tells us

what everything means ♪

♪ I don't know about you,

but I can't live like this ♪

♪ Baby, we need to feed the fire

then we burn it all down ♪

♪ I want fire ♪

♪ Now you know, no you don't ♪

♪ Make me repeat myself ♪