01x07 - Under the “B” for Breakup

[bunniefuu]

Yo, check it out.

That's my gramps.

The guy's deadly.

Cooked the grouse over the fire

this one time

with his bare hands.

Didn't even flinch.

My uncle said, this one time,

a moose ran up behind him

while he was pissin',

grabbed his g*n

and shot it twice.

Didn't even put his c*ck away.

All right, here's your delivery.

f*ck, that old man's a legend.

He's probably on his way

to his trap line now.

My cousin says he lives

straight up off the land.

Doesn't even f*ck

with the store.

(sighing)

(sighing contentedly)

(sighing contentedly)

Mmm

Mmm

Woman on TV:

Okay, we're back! We're back!

If you think polka-dots are

old-fashioned, think again.

(chuckling)

Yes, I can love you baby

All night long

A beautiful sight

Coming down the isle

An angel in white

Lil' Fatty's, Fat Spring Meadow

laundry detergent.

Gotta keep my sex sweater

fresh for my b'eb.

Oh!

I wrote,

"Back together with my honey,"

on our Rose and Paul 4-eva page.

Let's see how much

love our love got.

Look what Jo wrote.

Man!

Jo's a hater.

"You guys won't last a week."

(scoffing)

"I'll give you

a thousand dollars

"if we don't last the week."

Where are you going to get

a thousand bucks from?

Duh, my child tax.

B'eb, look what she says!

"LOL! I'll take your money, no

problem."

Done!

(chuckling)

This is my bet.

That's not a bet.

What do you get out of it?

sh*t. Hold on.

"And if you lose, you have

to give me a thousand dollars."

She says, "Too late."

Whatever.

The look on her stupid face

when we win is all I need.

But we can't break up.

You squirreled away a grand

and didn't tell me?

I told you I was

saving my child tax

for when I go back to the city.

You're just saving up

so you can take off again?

And how are you still getting

child tax in your thirties?

My mom still gets it.

And then,

she gives it to her best boy.

Hey, Roger.

Community announcements.

Hmm. Say, Jo.

Chief Deedee in her office?

Why? Whaddya want from her?

Did you heard?

The band has an extra

two thousand bucks.

If they don't spend it,

it goes back to the feds.

Why do you care

about the surplus?

'Cause I went down to the Chief

and I asked, "If there's any

extra money,

"can I buy a new Bingo machine?"

And she said,

"Yes, yes, whatever you want."

The f*ck?

And I'm not just

getting any bingo machine.

Look at her.

The new WinMax 5000 Elite -

the Cadillac of Bingo machines.

That's bullshit!

I asked Chief Deedee to use the

surplus on an exercise machine

for those skinny teens

and she said the same thing.

I'll just go

ask her again, then.

Hurry up, then.

Go on, then.

Look, Brady

this is never easy.

Is this still about

the smashed TV?

Because I already paid for it.

This is really bad, Brady.

You destroyed your own store.

Yeah, but,

like, you can't make an omelette

without breaking

a few eggs, right?

- Is the store the egg, Brady?

- Ehh.

Look, this is serious, okay?

I'm gonna have to look into

everything, including the books.

Until then, well

Well, I'm afraid

you're suspended.

- Suspended?

- I'm sorry.

But yeah, this comes

right from headquarters.

Now I-I hate to ask, but

Oh, come on, man. Not that.

(sighing)

Now, my review should be

done by the end of the week.

Until then, I need you to clear

out of the manager's residence

and leave behind your uniform.

- And Brady

- Yeah?

I know you have

two fleece vests, okay?

Don't try to sneak off with one.

Oh my God.

Can you read my mind?

Oh, Brady

How come you haven't liked my

new Rezzie & Real video?

What?

I don't know. I just--

I haven't seen it yet.

You should be watching

every day and giving me likes.

Hey there, my Rezzie & Real fam.

So, today, I'm going to

show you how to make a natural

and delicious lipstick I call

Nacho Dust Lips.

So, to make Nacho Dust Lips,

all you need to do is mix

non-ceremonial bear grease

with the powder from

a big bag of nacho chips.

Shout out to

my honey for the chips.

- Wait. What?

- So, to get the powder,

you simply crush

the bag, like this.

(crunching)

Just really smash them up good.

Are those my weekend chips?!

You actually don't

need a lot for this,

so you can just

toss out the rest.

I-I can't even watch

this anymore.

Are you seriously

tripping over chips?

You crushed them up,

like they meant nothing!

So, weekend chips are more

important than me.

Your sister's already looking

good on that dumb bet.

No, no, no, no, no.

I love you.

I don't love chips.

Here, look.

You can watch whatever you like.

Woman on TV: Chips -

we know you love them.

Who doesn't love chips?

Crunchy, salty, sexy chips?

It will make you want

to leave your woman.

(loud rock guitar playing)

Remember when you said I could

get a new bingo machine?

But the skinny

teens have been asking

for an exercise

machine for months!

Sorry. Did you not see the sign?

(Electric guitar sounding)

I thought that was a joke sign.

- (note blaring)

- But you promised!

You said, "Yes, yes,

whatever you want."

You know, when you and Roger

asked me for money,

I was probably

singing my new song:

"Yes, Yes, Whatever You Want."

My bad. It's a real earworm.

Take what you need,

I'm going for a jaunt

Yes, yes, whatever you want

So, what now?

How about you and Roger here

pitch me your ideas

on Friday and I'll pick?

Let's do it now! I'm ready.

No. Sorry. Can't.

- (guitar blaring)

- (sighing)

(guitar blaring)

- (knocking)

- Agnes: Hey, Brady,

I borrowed these from the store.

Your favourite.

Oh, thanks.

I'm starving.

All they give us here

are Dean's raw dogs.

Go on, eat something.

You're getting skinny, Brady.

Hey, how are things

at the store?

I bet that Greg

is a real hard-a*s.

Oof. Everybody loves him.

Bruce meat guy keeps saying

that he wished he

would stay forever,

and he says that

he's better than

How do you say it?

"The little b*tch who

used to run the place,"

whoever that is.

That's me,

I'm the little b*tch.

Oh

you're the little B.

Makes sense.

(voice breaking:)

What's Bruce's problem?

(sobbing)

Man on TV:

Fabric is so detailed.

Your hands, they're so

skilful.

I could watch you

sew all day long.

Oh, Tatanka, I love that you

love the things I love.

Come on, man,

volley that sh*t! God!

Are you watching

men's volleyball?

Do we even have

anything in common?

Okay, here, take my phone.

We'll watch Reckless Wings.

What is it, my love?

What troubles upon your brow?

Um can you ask your horse,

Comanche to cover his eyes?

(whinnying)

No.

- (whinnying)

- (woman on TV moaning)

I want you to try

something I made.

Mmm

It's gluten-free bannock.

Try some.

Mmm

(crunching)

- You like it?

- Yeah, I love how hard it is.

It's like giving

my teeth a work out.

Better than your mom's?

(serious:)

Is it better than your mom's?

Then, tell her.

(phone ringing)

Hey, my baby boy.

I was just thinking about you,

and then you called.

What did you just say, my baby?

It's

It's better than mine?

Hol'eh!

- Mama, say something!

- (Agnes sobbing)

- Mama!

- (sobbing)

Oh, hey, man.

Hey, check this out.

Brady found this box of old

fireworks when he was cleaning.

Hearing-lossers.

Finger-takers.

And check this out.

That's a Creator Stick!

Yeah, man. Saving these for

later to cheer up Brady.

Brady: Hey,

I think we should be good now.

Paul, did you see the fireworks?

Yeah, bro.

So, you in or what?

Um

Uh, hell yeah!

- Yeah!

- Bam!

- Dean: Yeah!

- Paul: Hold up.

Why is he cleaning

gitch on a board?

Why is there a

bucketful of gitch?

And why do you have

a frickin' plunger?

I don't want to know.

Okay,

let's get these up on here.

Dean: Yeah, making good

progress here.

Behold!

By the traditional

laws of band funding,

we have met at

this chosen ground

to settle now and for always

who gets the surplus?

Roger Laughingstick and his

WinMax 5000 Bingo machine?

It's the gold plated

toilet of bingo machines.

Or

Jo and her exercise machine?

Okay let's get started.

But, wait!

There's a third challenger,

who I must've sang "Yes, Yes,

Whatever You Want" to.

Anyways,

he is first.

I got four words for you guys:

"Ec o tour ism."

Jo: Beat it, Ed!

Go on!

Okay. I'll go next.

Sterling: Check this out.

What does our future look like

if our youth are not jacked?

How are they

supposed to get jacked?

With a bingo machine?

No chance.

Studies have shown that the

endorphins released

in the mind of a youth

significantly increases

when they're using

a exercise machine.

Are future is headed for a crash

if we continue with this trend.

The most positive

future we could have

is in direct correlation to

how jacked our youth are.

I present to you the

chair-lifting exercise.

These skinny youth could barely

lift these chairs up

with their spaghetti arms.

I present to you

the pickle jar challenge.

Real wimpy, he is.

Real easy that was.

And this is why

we need an exercise machine.

Well, that's my little pitch.

Chi miigwetch.

Follow that, Laughingprick.

Meh.

It's almost picture time.

So, there's these firecrackers,

and me, Dean, and Brady,

we want to go light 'em up

and set 'em off later.

Ugh. You're so shiny.

And it's not even for fun.

It's because Brady's real sad.

Wait. Picture time?

Yeah. We're taking a family

photo for my vision board.

I want us to have lots of kids.

Uh, don't manifest me, man.

Don't talk like that

in front of the kids.

Kids?

Oh sh*t!

I'm gonna go

freshen up my gloss.

You better be wearing this

when I get back.

Roger: Close your eyes.

(flute playing ethereal music)

Imagine a world

where the bingo ba*ls

don't dart out of the machine

to hit an unsuspecting

player's eyes!

That's never even

happened before!

If we don't act,

the results will be deadly!

Just overkill, bro.

My learned friend Jo

seems to be a fan

of the status quo.

I know the rest of you

want to save lives.

So, I present to you

the future!

I made this one myself!

Dual ball tumblers!

LED number display!

And even

a finger warmer

for the caller!

Ooh!

Bingo scientists call it

the WinMax 5000

Elite Bingo Console!

But I propose

we call it

The Deedee!

Well, I've heard enough.

You win the

two thousand dollars!

(cheering)

Jo: Seriously?

We could just change

the name of the exercise machine

to the Deedee.

Not sure I want sweat on

something named after me.

(cheering)

(laughing)

All right.

Yeah!

What? It's for safety.

Hey, Brady,

I got some good news.

Bruce said that all that

"little b*tch" stuff

is totally you.

Oh. Thank you for poking around.

And Greg said that he's

looking at the books.

He said something about a

forensic audit?

"Forensic"?

That sounds deadly, hey?

Hey!

Okay, bye.

Wait. Where's your daddy?

Paul? Paul?!

He f*cking greased me.

Paul: Hey, b'eb.

Uh, where are the kids?

Don't you "b'eb", me.

I'm breaking up with you, Paul!

Can't you break up

with me tomorrow?

Are you seriously worried

about the money right now?

I'll give you half!

You're half everything:

half man, half Native,

half-assed,

and I don't "half"

the time for this sh*t.

I see what you did there!

How's it going?

(sighing)

So, you only stayed

for the money?

You've been holding that

against me all week long.

Why don't you just

fly away to Winnipeg,

like a child tax millionaire?

Why don't you go run

back to Stephen Harper?

(sighing)

Look at us.

We're two people

who don't wanna get hurt.

I want to grow up and

I want to be the better man,

but I can't do any

of those things

without you and

And?

And

I could move in with you.

Really?

Oh, Paul

Go and get the sex sweater.

Good morning, Grouse Lake.

This is Laughingstick

in the Morning.

And that was Vern Cransten

and the Cat Slappers,

playing the "Who-Haw Shuffle".

Never gets old.

You know what else

will never get old?

The new WinMax 5000 Elite

I won for us all.

It's the bacon wrapped scallop

of bingo machines.

Speaking of competitions,

I wonder if Paul and Rose

are still together?

Only one hour left.

Hey b'eb.

I brought you some

breakfast, b'eb.

B'eb!

I've got the best b'eb, b'eb.

You're such a b'eb, b'eb!

B'eb, so I was thinking

maybe when we get our money,

we could get a pedal boat and

peddle on the river together?

"Our" money?

You mean my money.

No. Our money.

Now, that you're moving in,

we share everything.

I only said that "I could"

move in.

Listen to the words, man.

And you listen

to these words, man!

- We're broken up.

- (groaning)

Fok!

And everybody knows.

Brady, I'm afraid

I have some bad news.

I had some employees fill out a

performance report for you,

and the results are not good.

More than one employee called

you a, uh

Just want to get this right.

"A little b*tch."

- Wow.

- That doesn't really matter.

It's not why I have

to let you go.

I'm fired?!

We did a forensic audit, Brady,

and as suspected, the store's

finances are a complete mess.

I can explain.

It's too late, Brady.

- You're fired.

- (sighing)

Look, I know we lost the pitch,

but it isn't over yet.

There's a thousand

bucks in there.

Can I hold it?

Easy.

I won it off my stupid brother.

Now, we have half the cash

to buy the exercise machine.

I'll get the rest

by Treaty Days.

Deadly!

I wish you were Chief, man.

You get sh*t done.

You're god'damn rights I do.

Thanks, Mom! This looks great!

I'm really happy

you're not mad at me anymore.

Moose stew for your growin' boy.

But I, uh

I don't see any bannock around.

If you were hoping for bannock

for your moose stew,

then you shouldn't have

broken your Ma's heart

with your dumb lies.

No, that was Rose!

She was the one that told--

Oh, and I got a letter

from the government.

You did?

They said they don't pay

liars child tax anymore!

No! Ma!

Ma!

No! (voice echoing) Ma!

A beautiful sight

coming down the isle

An angel in white

You take my breath away

Tonight, together,

we'll fly away

Like two sparrows

flying high