01x03 - Three Nobodies

[bunniefuu]

This better be the premium sh*t.

Come on, you know better.

How long have our families

done business?

It's all good?

f*ck yeah.

You got your two-cuts,

your nine-to-elevens,

your opaques, your greasies,

your A-Bs, and your flats.

But, I gotta warn ya:

The flats,

not that flat.

- It's all there.

- And remember

I wasn't here.

Agnes: As far back

as I can remember,

I always wanted to be

a beader.

For me, being a beader

is better than being Chief.

I can go anywhere,

I can bead anything.

I know everybody,

and everyone knows

my medallions.

People look at me differently

when they see my beadwork.

I don't have to wait in line

for food at feasts anymore.

And when I leave the store,

rez dogs carry

my groceries home.

You know why?

Out of respect.

'Cause I can

love you Baby

All night long

That was Johnny Toboggan

from Pukatawagan

with their "No Shoes Blues."

And you're listening to

Laughingstick in the morning.

Ahh.

Woke up with an itchy hand,

so I either need to get

to the nursing station,

or get me a lottery ticket.

While I'm out,

here's The Ever Sick Band

with Jard Jard Bannock

and Lard.

You ready?

Yeah, man.

Ha!

Ohhh-poooo-git!

(exhaling deeply)

(inhaling sharply)

Huah!

Oh, your water karate's

gettin' so much better.

Just like Van Damme,

eh bro?

Huah, ha!

You're hittin' the water,

you moo'jeet!

Funny thing about

the water is, ah

It don't hit back.

Easy there, swim shirt.

This, ha!

You thought I was

swimmin' in this?

Joke's on you, bruh.

- Jarr'd!

- Dean: That's crazy, bro.

You gotta wait at least

Thirty minutes

till after you eat,

otherwise, you're gonna cramp.

(laughing)

Only pregnant women

get cramps, bro!

It's the golden rule

of swimming.

That's how

Orville Redenbacher died.

Oh yeah?

Well, watch me pop off!

Bro, you're gonna cramp!

I'm not gonna cramp!

(splash)

Ah, I'm f*ck' cramping!

Help!

(splash)

(heroic music playing)

(Paul yelling and sputtering)

PAUL: You guys

shoulda warned me!

Where's my sandwich?!

Is my sub okay?

- Gimme back my sub!

- Dean: You finished it, bro.

(Paul gasping loudly)

I got the whole thing!

Dean, you're a hero!

It's the karate, bro.

(Paul panting weakly)

- You're okay.

- Where's my mom?!

Ohh!

Hey!

You're here

for your Kitty Scratch?

Oh yeah.

This cat's gotta scratch.

(Agnes laughing)

Come meow!

- Mm?

- I'm feeling

that one!

Right there!

From my lucky spot!

I said that one, Agnes!

I have a feeling

about this one.

I had a vision of you

in a swimming pool

full of soniyaw.

Really?

I too had that vision!

It's calling your name.

Reel it in, Kookum.

- Don't f*ck us.

- Scratch me!

You know what?

What the heck!

(laughing)

Papa needs a new van!

Mm!

- Kitty paws.

- Mm hmm.

- Two kitty paws!

- (chuckles)

h*'leh!

Agnes: Ooh!

h*'leh!

I won!

Five hundred thousand!

Hot dog!

Agnes: Sign it,

and I'll call it in.

Just leave it here,

and the money will come.

Whoooo!

Laughingstick!

(laughing)

The fake ticket worked!

(cackling)

Can you believe

that nut sack?!

That'll teach him

to cancel bingo.

(laughing)

Kiss me, Creator.

I just won 500,000 big ones

from a Kitty Scratch

at the North Store!

What am I gonna do with it?

It's too early to tell.

Why don't you call in,

and tell me how

you'd blow it all?

(phone ringing)

Hello, you're on the air.

Rita: I'd get butt implants.

I want the biggest cheeks

money can buy!

A real two-seater.

(sighing)

Oh, Chickadee.

Roger: You do you, Rita.

Rose?

Chickadee left her bag behind,

I'm gonna go drop it off.

Rose?

(RC truck humming)

The 'fok'?!

Out of the way,

(speaking Anishanaabemowin).

- What do ya want, Beanpole?

- It's Mavis.

I wanna rent the gym out

to race my RC car.

Get lost!

The gym is for

community events.

Well, I have

a form right here.

(RC truck humming)

I'm not approving that!

(RC truck humming,

Jo sighing angrily)

Jo: Seriously?!

(sighing angrily)

What?

Kitty Scratch?

(growling)

That little sh*t!

(RC truck humming)

A beautiful thing

Hey, Dean.

Tell me again,

how'd you find the strength

to carry such a large man?

Paul: Pssh!

You don't even weigh

anything in the water!

How do you think

boats do it, ya dumbass?

Like I said. Something just came

over me, and I became

- Van Damme.

- Paul: Pfft, Van Damme?!

More like

Canned ham!

Hey, I'm telling you, bro.

If someone shot a rocket at me,

I'd do the splits

right over it.

Do the splits, then!

Come on, let's see you

do the splits, then!

Hey, Dean, let's watch

the video on the big screen.

Yeah!

Oh, huh!

All talk about

them splits, eh?

- Thought so, huh!

- Dean: Man!

- You look cool, dude.

- Thanks, bro.

(screaming and splashing

from TV)

Paul: I can't move my legs!

(screaming and splashing

Whatcha doin'?

I thought, we haven't been

camping in a while,

and I really missed that.

- Get in.

- But you hate camping.

Last time,

you set your bra on fire

trying to k*ll

a tick off your back.

No, no, I don't

remember that.

I have a picture.

I told you to delete that!

We're going camping!

Get your little arse

in the truck!

Come on, we'll have fun.

(engine starting)

(screaming from TV)

Agnes: Dean!

I saw the video!

Ma!

You saved my boy!

- And you, the video.

- (Brady chuckling)

It has 300 watchings

on the internet.

Paul: Pfft, as if.

Nobody even uses

the internet anymore!

Brady: Dean, Dean

the save'n machine!

Check out these comments.

- "Best rescue ever!"

- Paul: Pssh.

I've seen way better

rescues.

Dean: "This guy's water

karate sucks?!"

- Agnes: Mm.

- What?!

Oh, wait till that hater

sees we made

The Walking Eagle.

(Agnes gasps)

The Walking Eagle News, what?!

(laughing mockingly)

Nobody reads

newspapers anymore!

Brady: Hey, hero discount

at the store.

- Mm hmm.

- Everything's on me!

All right!

Why is Dean getting

all the credit

when I'm the one

that almost drowned?!

That's the water in

your brain talking.

Ma!

And don't try and use

that chair for sympathy.

It was the nurse

that gave me this chair.

I guess she's my new mom!

(yelling and splashing

from phone)

- Ah, look at Paul.

- (all laughing)

Paul (echoing):

Is my sub okay?

Ma, this isn't the way.

Ma.

This isn't the way.

Badlands?

The f*ck?

You think I'm at risk?!

Show you at risk.

Don't you dare,

little Miss Kitty Scratch!

sh*t.

Paul: You wanted

to see us, Chief?

What's with the sling?

Dean was just real rough

with me in the water.

This guy

is a real drag, right?

Drowner, more like a downer?

- (laughing)

- Totally.

So, Dean, I don't know

if you know this,

but this award has only

been given to two people

in the history of Grouse Lake.

The first

fought in World w*r II.

The second was me!

Because as you know,

becoming chief

saved this community

from a real bad vibe.

For your act of heroism,

this medallion

now belongs to you.

- (Dean gasps softly)

- For saving

- Captain Bums-Me-Out over here.

- Dean: Deadly!

You gotta be kidding me.

And Brady,

for keeping calm

while filming the rescue,

you put Grouse Lake

on the map

by getting us in

the illustrious

Walking Eagle News.

For that,

you get a Witness Award.

- Oh, cool!

- Chief DeeDee: Yeah!

Dean: Just think of it:

Before, we were three nobodies.

Now, we're two heroes.

This is some bullshit!

I actually have something

for you, Paul.

This just came to me.

Y'all are gettin'

a world premiere!

Ahh!

Dean

is a real hero

It's true

He saved a real buzz k*ll.

But was it

the right thing to do?

Oooooh

ooo-ooo-oo

Well I got a new

favourite song.

(guitar wailing)

(guitar echoing)

Oh great.

The skinny bunch is here.

Well, well, well.

Look who it is.

Jo: Beanpole?

Is that you with

a dreamcatcher

cascading on the back

of your head?

Where's Gramps McKay,

I thought he was running this?

Well you thought stupid.

He's away getting

his colon flushed.

Ew.

Welcome to Badlands.

I am your leader,

but think of me merely

as a conduit

to the Creator.

I will be giving you

your daily dose of vitamin C.

FYI, the C

stands for "Creator."

(Jo grunting)

Real sacred, this one.

Why you talking like that, Ma?

You did this to us.

(coins rattling,

classical music playing)

(in posh voice): You're

listening to

Moneybags in the muskeg.

I'm not saying I'm special

or anything,

but most folks would

have quit their jobs

after winning 500 Gs,

but not this ol' neech'.

I coulda bought 17 ATVs,

but I just got one van.

(phone ringing)

Oh!

We have a caller.

Go ahead.

You're on the

air with Moneybags.

Rita: You get that money,

or what?

I heard you don't even

have it yet.

Not yet Rita.

But don't you worry.

It's comin', baby.

Rita: Well, if you're

taking requests,

play Dean's

rescue video, then.

I can't play a video,

Rita.

Rita: Mn'ehh!

Aho!

We are all here today

as one,

for the same reason:

To connect to the land.

- Right sister, Jo?

- Don't you have some

dinky cars to play with?

Take me, for example:

I got my nickname Beanpole

in cruelty many moons ago,

when I was but a skinny teen,

like all of you,

sitting before me.

Who gave me that nickname?

She is with us here, today.

Real long time ago

that was, Beanpole!

That nickname was meant

to inflict pain.

But I embraced it,

for the beanpole

supports the plant

as it grows,

just like I support

all of you beansprouts.

(flies buzzing)

Speaking of growth,

our sister Jo gave me

a sacred wedgie

from the four directions

at recess one time.

(Jo and teens laughing)

We mustn't laugh.

We must support Sister Jo

in her growth.

Our ancestors will be

proud of you too one day,

just as they are of me.

(celestial music plays,

birds screech)

(sighing heavily)

(bird screeches)

(breathing raggedly)

Paul needs the medallion.

Paul

Loves the medallion.

(eerie music playing)

Paul

Wants the medallion.

(Indigenous music playing)

(Paul growling softly)

(Indigenous music intensifying)

(growling)

(Indigenous music

intensifying, stops)

Paul: Sweet dreams

My sweet hero.

For now.

(eerie music playing)

(birds screeching)

Lean-tos will protect you

from the elements

out in the bush.

Our white brothers

like to think

they came up with them,

but our people

have been using them

since "time and memorial."

Now Jo,

get up here and show

our future leaders

how you would make one,

as an alleged leader.

Jo: What?

Just do it.

What?!

You're gonna use

that branch?

Yeah?

That's fine if you want

the wind blowing on you

all night.

Ahh, is this a joke?

You wouldn't survive one night

out here on your own!

Chickadee: Yo, is this what

it's supposed to look like?

Sick!

That's the best, Chickadee.

You're a natural.

You could teach your dead weight

mum a few things.

Oh, f*ck off.

How long I gotta be

doin' this for?

'Til you get tired!

Fok, boy, I'm tired.

- What is this movie?

- Paul: Don't worry about it!

How's that sub

sitting with you, heh?

Starting to feel it now, man.

Good.

Mavis: You know, beansprouts.

Just like me, the grouse is an

underestimated opponent.

To hunt it,

you need to be stealth-like.

Aho.

(elastic twanging)

It's also the dumbest bird

in the bush.

It'll walk

right up to you,

and you can kick it

in the face.

(boys chuckling)

I actually like this sh*t,

and you two old bags

are ruining it.

I get it, but can you

at least admit

how much she sucks?

Can you two just get along

so we can kick some birds

in the face?

I'm sorry, Beanpole!

Sorry Jo, can you

apologize louder?

Hey, you kids wanna hear

a funny story about Beanpole?

Just let it go.

No, I'm good.

Once upon a time,

there was a little grouse

who ate

too many bush berries

when she was a kid,

and sh*t her pants,

right in front of everybody.

Funny thing is,

she kept the nickname Beanpole

when "Drippy Gitch"

was just as popular.

At least I didn't get caught

kissing my cousin.

He was my second cousin!

Not the first time.

Kids, this is actually

a good time to learn--

Kids?

(Ed splashing,

gasping for air)

I'm starting to cramp!

Real good!

Help, I'm crampin' up!

I'm comin' to save you Ed!

Don't worry about it!

(straining)

Help!

- Don't drown yet!

- Help!

Paul: I'm coming!

- Paul: I can't--

- Dean: I got you, Ed!

- Van Damme's got this.

- No!

Nooo!

No, don't save him!

Anybody but you!

No, let him drown!

Just let him drown!

Ahh, I was

supposed to save him!

(straining)

I can't get

out of my chair!

I need help!

(crackling)

Ah.

God job, you kids!

Yes, I'm hungry!

Beat it,

both of youse.

This entire trip, you two

have acted like little shits.

You said Badlands

was to work on leadership.

Well, we're telling you

to lead yourselves

outta here.

Get your own food.

And good luck hunting

with your sh*t bush skills.

Mavis: But--

- Out.

- Paul: Don't drown yet!

- Ed: Help!

- Paul: Stop it!

- Dean: I've got you, Ed!

(splashing)

Paul: No!

Don't save him!

Let him drown,

just let him drown!

Ahh, I was supposed to save him!

So, uh

Do I get an award,

or what?

Ooh.

I feel that you

maybe should be charged

with attempted m*rder!

Wait, what, no!

Uh

You know what,

I'm gonna get outta your hair.

You look super busy.

(chuckling)

I'm gonna, I'm gonna

skedaddle, you know?

I'm gonna go outside,

jump on my skidoo,

and ske-de-de-daddle

right on out of here.

That's what the kids

are saying.

I'm pretty good with the youth

in this community.

Is it hot in here?!

Whoo!

That's not,

not your fault, though.

I'm not blaming chief

and council for that,

you guys don't control

the weather.

It's nice, perfect weather.

I loooove chief and council,

I voted for you guys two times.

I'm not even allowed to vote!

I don't know--

Could you just

get the hell out of here?

Yup.

I'm starving.

Here.

Last of the berries.

Look, uh

I'm sorry, Beanpole.

Mavis.

Whatever, Jo.

If anything, we owe

an apology to the youth.

(flies buzzing)

Yeah.

You're right.

Let's go.

Chickadee: Sterling, yesterday I

thought you were a skinny sh*t

who can't do nothin'.

But now you're a skinny sh*t

who can cook the sh*t

out of a grouse,

and build a deadly lean-to.

Thanks.

And that goes for

the whole skinny bunch.

Y'all did good.

I'm proud of you dipshits.

(imitating Beanpole): Aho!

Look at that.

I taught them

everything they know.

(stomach gurgling)

Ha!

Looks like Drippy Gitch

is back in action!

You ate the berries, too!

(stomach gurgling)

Oh sh*t.

(stomachs gurgling)

- Mavis: Ha!

- Jo: Oh sh*t.

Both: Oh sh*t!

That's what you get!

(farting squeakily)

(hip-hop playing)

Now we on top

(in posh voice): That was

"Count my Shoon-ia"

by Mc Moon-ia.

(phone ringing)

And we have another fan

waiting,

so go ahead.

You're on with Moneybags,

bruh.

Chickadee: Hey Roger,

it's Chickadee.

You didn't win the lottery,

okay?

The Kitty Scratch ticket

was a fake.

I made it.

Is that good, Mom?

Jo: Say sorry, then.

Chickadee: I amsorry.

Fok!

The van!

Damn!

Unrelated,

why don't we open

the phones here,

and you can tell me how to get

out of a lease

on a brand new van

you can't afford.

(phone ringing)

Go ahead.

- You're on.

- Dean: Hey man.

Why don't you just

torch it, bro?

We came up

from the bottom

Now we on top

(We on top now!)

The hustle never stop

(It never stop!)

I been grindin'

I been workin'

Money

yeah I got a lot

(Got a lotta that, lotta that)

Yeah we got a lot of that

We came up from the bottom

Now we on top

(We on top now!)

The hustle never stop

(It never stop!)

I been grindin'

I been workin'

Money

yeah I got a lot

(I got a lotta that,

lotta that)

Yeah we got a lotta that

I am ahead of you lames

None of you'll

ever get paid

Count on it

every day

Can't get enough

of the hate

Can't get enough

of that love

And they show me respect

When I roll on the rez

Yeah smokin' the best uh

So high that

I'm over your head. Whoa!

Homie you ready for smoke?