05x10 - It's a Wonderful Christmas Carol: Part Two

[bunniefuu]

What the hell was that?

[WATER RUNNING]

[BELLS JINGLING]

- [CREAKING]
- Hello?

Jay?

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Surprise.

Carol?

What are you doing
here? You got sucked off.

You're right,

and I've been having a blast up there.

I can't say too much,

but they have pickleball.

That's it. That's all I'll say.

Carol, what is happening?

I'm your little Christmas Carol.

You see, around Christmas,

we Carols are given special powers,

including the ability to grant wishes.

Oh, also,

we can give out candy canes.

I-I think there's been some
sort of misunderstanding.

I didn't make a wish.

Oh, yes, you did.

You said, and I quote,

"I wish I had never
been able to see ghosts."

Okay.

So why are you here?

I'm here to show you what
your life would be like

if you'd never tripped on that vase,

if you had never fallen down the stairs,

if you had never gained
the ability to see ghosts.

Whoa.

So let's get this started.

Sam, you're coming with me.

Well, that was supposed
to whoosh us away,

but it's my first time.

Hey, I need to get some
steps in anyway. Let's go.

♪ ♪

You know, Carol, I'm actually
feeling a little silly

about this whole wishing
not to see ghosts thing.

Holy crap, am I day-drinking
with Sasha and Libby?

Sam, this eggnog is delicious.

LIBBY: And these
gingerbread men you made?

So cute. Not to brag,

but I think this one
is flirting with me.

- [LAUGHS]
- CAROL: Look at you,

just enjoying a little
Christmas Eve tipple

with two of your closest gal pals.

B-But I don't get it,
Sasha thinks I'm crazy.

No, Sasha thought you were crazy

because she caught you
performing a séance

for the ghosts, and she thought
you and Jay were murderers.

But that was because of the ghosts.

In this world, none of that happened.

So she thinks I'm sane?

Yep. And not just sane.

Funny.

Short, bald and covered in crumbs?

I'm sorry, is this a gingerbread man

or the guy I dated before Jay?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Sam, you are hilarious.

Without the ghosts
interrupting you all the time,

you're actually a much
better conversationalist.

TREVOR: Man,

I'd love to see these ladies in bikinis.

How does this place not have a hot tub?

[SAMANTHA GROANS]

- Disgusting.
- Right?

But you can't hear
him, so you don't care.

I hate to say it, but we've got to run.

Next time at my place?

Uh, do you have wine?

Of course.

Then, yeah, I think I'll be there.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[SIGHS]

So, what am I doing now?

CAROL: Oh, just sitting there.

Since you're not always
taking care of the ghosts,

you actually have time to yourself.

Whoa. I can't remember the last time

I just sat and read a book.

And look at me, I don't even mind

that Trevor's reading over my shoulder.

I'm pretty sure he's trying
to look down your dress,

but, hey, you don't know, so who cares?

Stupid camisole. I'm getting nothing.

So, if I have all this free time,

I guess that means the B and
B still isn't doing very well.

Are you kidding?

Without the ghosts to worry about,

you've really been
able to throw yourself

into making this place a success.

The B and B is thriving.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Oh, come.

Woodstone B and B, how may I help you?

Freddie. He used to work here.

He was incredible. But he quit.

He quit because of the ghosts.

But now he's all in on Woodstone.

I'm so sorry, we don't
have any availability

- until January 17th.
- Hold on,

the B and B is sold out?

- FREDDIE: Great. We'll see you then.
- [HANGS UP PHONE]

Who keeps searching "Girls
Gone Wild" on this thing?

I should have gone to Arizona State.

I'm home.

Hey, Freddie.

- Jay, I missed you.
- I missed you, too.

[JAY AND SAMANTHA CHUCKLING]

Uh-oh. Mistletoe.

Oh.

Mmm.

She could do so much better.

I gotta admit, this
life looks pretty great.

And Trevor seems pretty much the same.

How are the other ghosts doing?

Well, why don't we find out?

Huh, still not working.

Looks like we're hoofing it again.

PETE: And that concludes my lecture

on different kinds of knots.

Tomorrow Thorfinn will
be giving a talk on trout.

Will be similar to herring lecture

but more trout-focused.

- I'm in hell.
- SAMANTHA: Okay,

so this all seems pretty standard.

I guess the ghosts are just
doing the same kind of stuff

they did before I met them.

So, Alberta, you excited
for upcoming wedding?

Aw, Alberta and Pete
are getting married?

- That's sweet.
- ALBERTA: Yeah. I mean, I get

to sing, which will be a nice
little treat for everybody.

Although I'm maybe a little surprised

they're finally going through with it.

SAMANTHA: Oh.

So it's not Pete and Alberta?

You know what, if
they're happy, I'm happy.

Well, one of them is definitely happy.

Carol, who are they talking about?

Hello, all.

Ah, we look forward to seeing you

at our nuptials this afternoon.

Hmm? Huzzah.

SAMANTHA: Isaac and Hetty?

But that is impossible.

And yet, in this world, it's happening.

- Hmm, your wish.
- HETTY: We just wanted

to remind you that the ceremony
is to begin promptly at 2:00.

ISAAC: Weather permitting, of course.

The wedding is indoors, my love.

Right, right, right.

Could be a tornado.

No, no. [CHUCKLES]

The only tornado shall be tonight

in our marriage bed.

Oh.

Mmm...

Wait. Wait, wait, wait,
Carol. What is going on?

Isaac can't marry Hetty. He's...

[WHISPERING]: g*y.

Why did you whisper that?

I don't know, it seemed
like a weird thing to shout.

Here's the thing. Isaac only came out

because you were there to support him.

Without you, he still hasn't
figured out who he truly is.

Huh.

I guess I did have kind
of a big effect on him.

You've had a big effect on all of them.

Without you, Alberta never
found out who k*lled her,

Thor's still having his night terrors,

and Pete never learned he
could leave the property.

He never even tried?

He was told he couldn't,
and the man loves rules.

He won a goldfish

at the state fair once and
reported it on our taxes.

[CHUCKLES] Let me guess, he also tried

to report a free sample
from the grocery store?

It's actually the
other Sam that's funny.

Come on, I have a lot to show you.

PETE: Christmas is always

one of the toughest times to be dead,

wondering about my family.

Are they doing okay? Do
they even think about me?

They do. Your daughter Laura
named her son after you.

Pete doesn't know that.

In this world, you never invited me here

to dedicate that weird bench.

Pete never watched Laura get married.

He doesn't even know Little Pete.

Thor also miss his family.

Leave behind young son.

Will never get to know
what he like as man.

No, Thor, your son is
like a hundred yards away.

Tragic.

I hope he grow up to be great warrior

who k*ll many Danes

and never eat best friend.

- What?
- Nothing.

Random example not
taken from Thor's life.

TREVOR: The nice thing
about the holidays

is that the girls on the
dating apps are lonely as hell.

I'm talking to like six
separate Livings right now.

One may fly in from Miami to meet up.

And what do you hope
happens when she gets here?

I don't know, maybe she'll
choke on something and die.

- It happens.
- SASAPPIS: Yeah, I get it.

Sex with women, you
know, nothing like it.

Which I know 'cause of the... 43 times.

SAMANTHA: Oh, that's right.

Sass is still hiding the
fact that he's a virgin.

This is painful.

Has anyone found love?
What about Thor and Flower?

Not even close.

Flower fell into the well two years ago.

Flower's in the well?

Well, she was, till you
filled it with cement.

So now she's lost in the dirt,

a fact she keeps forgetting
and then quickly rediscovers

in an endless cycle of horror.

Okay, so is that it,

or do you have more bad news to show me?

More bad news.

The basement ghosts are really upset

about your shiny new water heater.

Wait. Everyone shut up.

I think I heard a gurgle.

[GURGLING]

Oh, there it is again.

Sorry, that was my tummy.

Oh, damn it, Stuart.

You got our hopes up for
nothing, you toad's a*s.

This newfangled water
heater hasn't made a peep

since that blonde witch put it in.

God, I hate her.

She's very rude.

NANCY: Last week I saw
her drop a piece of pizza

on the ground and pick it up and eat it,

and it fell cheese-side down.

I think we can move on.

What's going on here?

Hetty, I need to talk
to you about the wedding.

Are you still waffling on a best man?

I do agree it's slim pickings,

but Sasappis probably presents
the most handsome stage picture.

No, it's... it's more than that.

Oh, my gosh, is he gonna tell her?

Could you just watch?

You'd be a very annoying
person to go see a movie with.

Maybe we push it?

- What?
- Why rush a wedding

in the dead of winter when spring

is just around the corner?

We-we were supposed to
get married in spring.

Last spring. And you wanted

to push till summer, citing
the April racket of the birds.

But then summer was too hot,

and then fall came around
and you started whining about

how it's the season
when you're most sleepy.

I've always been very
sleepy in the fall.

Everyone knows that.

Isaac, what's wrong?

If there is something else

going on, just tell me.

Well... actually...

Come on, Isaac, tell her.

She's your dearest
friend. You can trust her.

Wedding prank.

I'm sorry, what?

You've been wedding-pranked.

[LAUGHING]: Huzzah!

Oof.

Score one for Higgintoot.

You should have seen
the look on your face.

You were freaking out.

Indeed. [LAUGHS]

Ah, it's fun.

JAY: Sam, I don't want
to have this talk again.

Oh, sounds like the show's
about to start. Come on.

It's Christmas Eve. You can't go back

into the city already.
You just got home.

I don't know what you
want me to tell you.

I have to work.

Oh, these two, back at it.

Classic Sam and Jay fight.

Is like tiffs between Whoopi and Meghan,

but they can't cut to commercial.

We get to see everything.

Wait, why is Jay working in the city?

Jay never wanted to
move out here, remember?

He only stayed because of your accident.

But in this world,

you were just pulling
him away from his cooking

and his friends and his career.

Didn't he open his own
restaurant at the B and B?

Without the ghosts, the idea
for Mahesh never came up.

So Jay's resentment built

until he finally took
a job back in the city.

Ooh, Sam's mad. There goes the vein.

Can't you just call
in sick or something?

I don't want to call in sick.

I love my job.

Yeah, but you're never here.

I never wanted to be here.

You dragged me here.

Not nice to drag people places.

Skin on back of head wear
away quicker than you think.

[CHUCKLES] This one time...

I don't want to hear it, Thor.

[GROANS]

We seemed so happy
together this morning.

A performance for
your assistant Freddie.

He's seen so many of your fights,

so now you guys
overcompensate in front of him.

Okay, let's give this one more shot.

Isaac Higgintoot and
Henrietta Woodstone...

Holy crap, it worked.

Oh, it's the wedding. Fun.

PETE: My sincere hope

is that the two of you enjoy a marriage

as loving and as loyal
as what I had with Carol.

Whoopsie.

Now, if anyone here sees
any reason why these two

should not wed, now would
be a great time to pipe up.

ISAAC: Nothing?

- Really?
- [WHOOSH]

[HETTY AND ISAAC LAUGH]

Captain Higgintoot.

Lieutenant Colonel Chessum, you've come.

Yes, I know we've had our differences,

but I couldn't let you get
married without saying...

Come on, Nigel, you got this.

... congratulations.

- [SIGHS]
- [NIGEL CHUCKLES]

Okay.

Well, I guess there's
nothing left to do...

[LAUGHS] ... except continue.

Uh, unless? Going once...

Anyone?

Look at me.

I'm 15 feet away from this train wreck,

and there's nothing I can do.

[LAUGHS]

Why do I look so happy?

Jay and I just had a huge fight.

Well, you're not gonna
want to hear this one,

but with you and Jay growing apart,

you've started an emotional affair

with someone you met online.

What? Who?

No. No, no, no.

[STRAINING]

[PHONE CHIMES]

- [LAUGHS]
- No!

Okay, I'll call you
when I get to the city.

No, Jay, don't go.

Okay. Hetty, do you take this man

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

You've got to stop this.
None of this is right.

I'm sorry, Sam, it's too late.

- What do you mean?
- PETE: Isaac,

do you take this woman to
be your lawfully wedded wife?

Well, you made a wish, and
I was sent here to grant it.

I do.

But this isn't what I want.

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
- PETE: Hetty and Isaac,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Isaac, you may kiss the bride.

[SIGHS]

[CHIMES]

[GRUNTS TRIUMPHANTLY]

That's it. The tour's over.

This is now your life.
Merry Christmas, Sam.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[GASPS]

No!

Oh, great, now someone objects.

I mean...

I love ya.

Oh!

Carol? Carol, come back!

What's wrong with Sam?

I want things to go back
to the way they were.

I want Pete and Alberta
to be dating again.

- Me and Pete?
- How does she know our names?

Sass shouldn't be hiding
the fact that he's a virgin.

[SCOFFS] Virgin?

Okay, yeah, tell that to
all my satisfied customers.

And I want to live in a world
where Isaac is proud to be g*y.

g*y?

A red-blooded billy goat
like me? [SCOFFS] You jest.

SAMANTHA: Most of all,

I... I want Jay back.

I don't care if things aren't perfect

or if our life is complicated sometimes.

I just want to face it all with him.

I wish things could go
back to how they were.

I wish I could see ghosts again.

[BELLS JINGLE]

That's my girl.

Welcome back, Sam.

I can see you.

Hetty, can you hear me?

Alberta, can you see me?

TREVOR: What's with Sam?
She sounds like Yentl.

Oh, thank God. I made a terrible wish

that I couldn't see ghosts
and then Carol granted it.

My Carol?

Yes, but she was Christmas Carol,

and everything was messed up.

You were there, Isaac, but
you were marrying Hetty.

And you were there, Thor,

but you didn't know your son.

- Was I there?
- I don't really remember.

The point is, I regret
what I said. I'm sorry.

I'm so happy I can see you guys.

I was just upset.

Hey, uh, I was just talking

to that guy, babe, and I...

Whoa. [CHUCKLES]

What was that for?

For everything. I love you, Jay.

[GRUNTS]

Whoa, I think I fell
asleep for a few minutes,

but then the smooching woke me up.

Hey, man, it's Flower.

What? What's happening?

[GRUNTS]

Jay, it's me. Flower possessed me.

Thor did it as a gift to her.

Next year, will only give sex coupon.

It enough.

What? O-okay. Well, we got to get

Flower out of you before this interview.

What interview? I thought
I blew the interview.

What are you talking about?

The interview hasn't happened yet.

You were just getting your makeup done.

WALTER: There she is.

It's showtime.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, man. Aren't you that guy from TV?

You know, I was on TV once.

I flashed the second baseman
at a San Francisco Giants game.

Cool.

Maybe we don't mention stuff
like that on the air, huh?

This way, please.

Flower? Sam? Flower-Sam?

Okay, you can sit right over here.

- Cool.
- Oh, guys, you know what?

Um, actually, I-I-I think

Sam needs to go outside
for just a minute.

Sorry, we're about to go live.

We need to buy Sam some
time to regain control

and get to the boundary.

I got this.

[HUMMING]

[FAINT HUMMING]

Uh, Walter, just a minute.

I'm-I'm picking up a weird room tone.

Guys, can we fix this? Now?

Tiny camera, feel Odin's wrath!

GARY: Ugh, we lost picture.

Unbelievable.

All right, we need a
battery change on camera one.

This is incredible teamwork.

And if it were St. Patrick's Day,

I'd be jumping in with
a contribution of my own.

[STRAINS]

Whoa. What the... ?

Hey, hold the roll.
Let's get this cleaned up.

All right, we're taking a tight two,

then we're going live.

Take control, Sam. This is your moment.

[GRUNTS]

I'm back.

Now go! Get to the boundary.

Run! Like there's a sale at Old Navy!

[PANTING]

- Man, Pringles were good.
- [CAR DOOR OPENS]

Sorry about all that
possession stuff, Sam.

All good.

- She's back.
- [GHOSTS GASP]

All right, I think we're
good to go. Cameras ready?

You good, babe?

GARY: We're live in three...

That's right, Jill, I'm here
in New York's Hudson Valley

with the author of Isaac
Higgintooth: Colonial Vampire.

Hey, Sam, thanks for being here.

Thank you so much for having me.

[ON TV]: And so this is a book
where you can have a laugh,

maybe a cry,

and hopefully learn something
about the origins of our nation.

WALTER: Well, I certainly enjoyed

when George Washington
turned into a bat.

Did that really happen?

[LAUGHS] I'm kidding, of course.

Well, anyhow, thanks,
Sam. Jill, back to you.

Oh, you crushed it, Sam.

And if I had money and
the ability to turn pages,

I-I would buy your book for sure.

- Aw.
- Babe, you were amazing.

Thanks, Jay.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Without any of you.

I just feel so lucky to
have all of you in my life.

Even Thor?

Yes, Thor. Even you.

And not to relitigate,

but you did sort of say to surprise you.

We leave at that.

I know the possession wasn't ideal,

but it was a really groovy gift.

I mean, I got to take drugs
for the first time in 60 years.

I'm sorry. What do you
mean, you took drugs?

The mistletoe. The drug I got from Gabe.

I took it... well, we took it...

on my way back from the restaurant.

HETTY: Well, look at that.

You were high as a kite.

I suppose that explains this whole

"visit from Carol" nonsense.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY] I guess it does.

JAY: Okay, I can't help it.

I got to watch it again.

So proud of you, babe.

[CLICKS]

[BELLS JINGLING]

SASAPPIS: Hey, Trevor,
help me out with this

scratch and sniff Sam
got me for Christmas.

[SNIFFS]

[TREVOR STRAINING]

Come on, come on, come on.

[TREVOR SHOUTS]

[BOTH SNIFF]

Wow.

For a piece of paper with cartoon eyes

and a pepperoni bow
tie, that's pretty good.

- Greetings.
- [GASPS]

Every time.

Patience...

what's up?

I come with good news.

Your disappointment at
our parting gave me pause.

What? What are you saying?

I am saying that

I now believe that we
shouldst be together.

Yeah, but...

different worlds.

- Oh.
- Sometimes that first thought

is the best thought.

Oh, but that can be remedied. I have met

your friends, and you
can meet my people.

Where is this going?

Trevor Lefkowitz,
dweller of the overground,

son of Abraham, holder of my heart,

allow me to introduce
you to... the Others.

Oh, holy night.