02x26 - Fuller House

[bunniefuu]

[groaning]

- Nate, I told you to

throw all this junk away.

- I did.

But Gram and Gramps

brought over more

of their so-called gifts.

[truck beeping]

- Enjoy the family

heirlooms, kids.

- We're doing this

because we love you.

[melodic honking]

[doorbell ringing]

- Aw, shucks.

Coming.

If could just find--oh!

Uh, hello?

- Oh my gosh, you don't

recognize me, do you, Martin?

- Afraid not.

Take care.

- It's me, Martin,

Sherry Griffiths.

We spent some time together

years ago, when your band

passed through my town.

- Oh, a Peter, Paul,

and Martin fan.

Sorry, I don't have any swag.

I could sell

you some old socks.

- [chuckles]

Still that same sense of humor.

No, that's not why I'm here.

It's OK.

Don't be shy, Edgar.

Martin, I'd like

you to meet someone.

This is your son, Edgar.

- [scratching]

[all yelling]

[upbeat music]

- Don't want to go

to school today

The sun is red hot

and I wanna play

But if I get caught

they'll make me pay

Detention again

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Math and social studies

just ain't my thing

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Rocking with my band

is where I'm king

Stealing the teacher's teeth

or bailing on a test

- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,

ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Big Nate

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- You're telling

me that guy,

right there,

is my younger brother?

- Nate, where are your manners?

- Gee, Dad, I don't know.

I guess they're gone,

like half of Edgar's hair.

- Oh, it's OK.

Edgar gets that a lot.

After last year's

growth spurt,

it's a miracle he hasn't

been recruited

to play professional sports.

- Well, in the off chance

that doesn't happen,

you've come to the wrong house

if you're looking for money.

- Oh, I would never.

- Excuse us.

I don't know what's

gotten into you,

but that boy grew

up without a father.

And you're making me

look like a pretty

terrible one right now.

Bup-- bup--

what do we always say?

- [groans]

Family's family.

- Ride or die.

Yeah, yeah, Dad,

I'd rather die.

- Close enough.

Now, be nice.

- Is that bean dip?

- As a matter of

fact, it is, son.

- [munching]

- Say thank you, Edgar.

- [burps]

Ohh, I got to hit the head--

I mean,

use the potty.

[sighs]

- You must be so proud.

- Well, he is 50% you.

- Ugh.

- Ew.

- [groans]

Whew.

Me and bean dip have a

turbulent relationship.

- Charming.

- We should get going.

Edgar, you've met your

dad now, and we don't

want to overstay our welcome.

- No, hang on.

Why don't you guys stick

around, get to know the fam?

- Oh, we wouldn't want

to impose.

- We could stay

in the basement.

- Oh no,

it's a mess down there.

It's full of my parents' junk.

You can stay in

Ellen's room, Sherry.

And, Edgar,

you're in luck because Nate's

got a new trundle, and it's

got soccer ba*ls on it.

[both groan]

Sherry and Edgar,

please make yourselves at home.

[both chuckle]

[birds chirping]

[yawns]

- Morning, Nate.

You hungry?

Your baby brother and I

made oatmeal, kind of.

Say cinnamon.

[camera clicking]

- Hey, you want to

go get your mom, Bud?

Bet she'd love to see

this bonding sesh.

- Oh, that's OK.

She's probably just happy that

we're becoming, like,

best friends or whatever.

- Best friends

- [yells]

- [scratching]

- Oh, she can't miss this.

Sherry, Ellen,

come join the fun.

- Uh, help you find something?

- Don't mind me.

Just looking for some space

to unpack all my stuff.

[growls]

- How long did you say

you were staying here?

- Well, as long as we want.

Your dad did say that

your house was our house.

We wouldn't want to

upset him, would we?

- [chuckling]

[groans]

[tires squealing, horn honking]

- Hmm?

What are you guys doing?

- What do you think, Nate?

Edgar said it came to him

in a dream, right pal?

Aw, he's just being coy.

[laughs]

Gotcha.

[laughs]

- Gotcha.

- [sighs]

- Whoopsie-daisy.

Oh my, what a mess.

What are you kids

up to in here?

- Playing.

- Fun.

You know what I was

thinking, Marty?

Why don't you take Edgar and

the kids to get some ice cream?

- Oh, that's a great idea.

Come on, guys.

- [muttering]

[loud rumbling]

- What on Earth?

[gasps]

Can I ask what you're doing?

- Ellen, I thought your dad

took you all to ice cream.

- Nope,

still here 'cause I live here.

- You, uh, really

shouldn't be down here.

- No?

Why's that?

- Because I--

I think I smell black

mold, that's why.

[loud rattling]

- Tamara, the captain

of the cheer squad,

gasped as the snap of

Brock's exploding hamstring

echoed across the field.

- Dad, can we do

one more chapter?

We don't get any

one-on-one time now

that my new brother, who is at

least 65 years old, by the way,

took over our lives.

- You know, Pal,

I understand how you feel.

When I was your age,

my brother Ted and I

would fight till the cows came

home, which never happened

because we had no cows.

- Where is this going exactly?

- Afterwards,

we'd always make up,

and our bond only strengthened,

until he stole my identity

and forced me into

financial ruin.

But that's a story

for another day.

Ha.

- Yeah, I don't get it.

- Well, the point is,

Edgar is your brother.

He's family.

You may have a

little rivalry now,

but later, you'll be

glad you have each other.

[toilet flushes]

- [exhales]

Tuck me in, Pops.

- Oh, get over here, big fella.

- [groans]

- Say, why don't you

let Edgar sleep

with Chippie tonight, Nate?

- No way.

- No, thank you.

I don't care about

your stupid gross bear.

- All right.

Sleep tight.

[skin sander whirring]

[groans]

[lightning crashes]

[both whimpering]

[lightning crashes]

[upbeat accordion music]



- Huh?

[all growling]

- Ahh!

Ugh!

- [yelling]

- [laughing]

Huh?

- [panting]

Ahh!

[gasping]

- Huh, weird.

Ugh, so gross.

Hmm?

Couldn't sleep either, huh?

- [gasps]

Shh.

- I'm telling you,

I looked there.

They must have hidden it.

- Well, there's only so much

more of this I can take.

Martin is the worst.

- You're telling me.

Those two little

brats are onto us.

[both gasp]

It's nothing.

Don't worry, OK, babe?

We'll find it, I promise.

[both gasp]

- All right,

you two, no more games.

- Time to come clean.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Take it easy.

What's up?

- The jig, that's what.

- We saw these

two fools kissing.

- Last night in the billiard

room with the candlestick.

Actually, no, it was outside.

- Oh, please.

A mother and her son can't

show affection anymore?

- Um, not like that.

- Mwah!

See?

Totally normal.

- What?

You never kiss me like that.

- Well, not when

you're snooping

around on your own family.

I am so sorry.

They're not normally

this hostile.

- It's OK.

They're just kids, Marty.

Don't be too hard on them.

- [groans] I can't believe

I'm going to say this,

but I want you two to think

long and hard about this, OK?

- Is that it?

- Yep.

[both growling]

[both growling]

- [smooching]

[both groaning]

- I think we've

seen enough, Nate.

- Speak for yourself.

I am learning a lot.

- I'm just trying to show you

guys what I'm dealing with.

Sherry and Edgar

are clearly bogus.

And my dad's getting conned.

- You're right.

The way I see it,

you've got one option,

challenge him to

a kaiju battle.

- Do we dare ask?

- Nate's kaiju

penguin his fierce,

despite his cute appearance.

Edgar's kaiju,

on the other hand,

is a massive crafty gator.

But we swap his

weapons out with--

you guessed it-- raw ham.

Nate wins 9 times out of 10.

- KO.

- Mind if I cut

in here, please?

- Please, cut in.

- Well, every time

I go to the doctor,

they tell my parents

how I'm faring compared

to normal kids my age.

- Don't worry, Francis.

Bone density is overrated.

- You guys see where

I'm going here, right?

- All right,

look at me and say ahh.

Ohh.

Honestly,

Mr. Wright, I don't know

what you're feeding

your son, but well,

you got a future NBA

star on your hands.

- What?

- Well, talk about

good genes, kiddo.

He's my son.

- OK, am I the

only one who thinks

it's weird my

younger brother has

the body of a 50-year-old man?

- It's so nice to

see you looking out

for your little

brother, kid, really is.

But don't you fret, all right?

The superhuman speed Edgar's

growing at is very, very common

now with all the plastics and

such and stuff in the foods,

you know.

Some of these kids,

they're hitting puberty by,

what,

first grade?

- To the NBA.

- To getting rich,

when I'm older.

[laughter]

- Hmm.

Nothing.

It's got to be a fake name.

- Augh, we need proof,

Ellen, proof.

[door rattling]

- Oh, Ellen, when are you

going to learn to give up?

- Give up?

What are you talking about?

- Yeah. Yes.

We are very confused

and innocent of whatever

you're accusing us of.

- Edgar, laptop me.

[grunting]

- Hmm.

Let's see what we got here.

"Sherry Griffiths, spy."

"Sherry Griffiths, Guantanamo."

"Sherry Griffiths, 'Mission:

Impossible' peel-off mask."

"Sherry Griffiths,

devil incarnate."

No results.

Weird.

- Yeah, well, we always

research our houseguests.

So you got nothing on us, lady.

- OK, what do you say we

pretend this never

happened, eh?

- Or what?

- Edgar, pamphlet me.

- Bare-handed nuclear

waste disposal?

Cattle branding?

Ceramics?

No, you wouldn't dare.

- Oh, I would dare.

I would double dare.

- She might even

triple dog dare.

- [gasps]

- [gasps]

- [yelps]

- As you all know,

these two maniacs

have threatened to put us on

the next train out of town.

So we're going to have

to get a little crafty.

Yes, Chad?

- Hello.

Chad Applewhite,

Rackleff resident.

I was just wondering,

when did you

start a dust bunny collection?

- Ugh.

No, I didn't.

These are Edgar's

skin sheddings.

They're all over me.

[all yelling]

- Oh, it got in my mouth.

- Da da da da da

- Wait a sec.

Skin is genetic material.

You have Edgar's DNA.

- Oh, and I suppose you

have someone in mind

with a treasure trove

of gadgets and gizmos

that can read DNA and magically

solve this whole problem.

- It's good you came to me.

[together]

Whoa.

- I call it my DNA testing

machine thingamajiggy.

- So what,

you feed this thing

DNA, and it, like,

tells you who it belongs to?

- Not exactly.

Oh, never mind.

It is that exactly.

[bang]

[machine beeping, whirring]

- What is that?

- I've never heard that before.

- Don't worry.

It's just connecting

to the database.

Nobody make a phone call.

[bang]

[machine beeps]

- Hmm.

Well, the skin flakes do not

belong to your brother, guys.

But well--

- But well what?

- No--

- Way.

- No way.

- We tried to tell

you, something

was up with these two.

- And yet, I was still

fooled by my own flesh and--

- Blood?

Ha-ha-ha.

Yes, you were, brother.

[grunting]

Ahh.

- Ted?

Is that really you?

- It is I, Martin, your

long lost brother, Ted.

And this is not my mother.

It is my wife.

Meet Sherry Griffith.

Griffiths was an entirely

fake last name that I

came up with from my own mind.

[laughs]

- But, Ted, we're family.

Why would you lie to us?

- Aw, can it, would you, man?

- No, you can it.

Fortune favors the bold.

And now, we fight.

Ahh!

- No, Nate.

[thud]

Explain yourselves, now.

- [sighs]

OK.

The truth is, we came

here looking for a toy.

- [groans]

- Seriously?

A toy?

- Not just any toy,

a 1963 vintage Kanga Ronomon

worth more than a Stabby

the Elephant and Tickle

Me Gary Hot Tub combined.

- Mom and Dad used to have

one in mint condition,

but apparently,

they gave it to you, not me.

- Oh, right because

I'm the favorite.

- Oh, you've always

been their favorite.

- They named their

boat after you.

- I begged them to, Martin.

Come on.

You have everything,

perfect kids,

perfect house, perfect life.

[laughter]

- That is hilarious.

- Ted, if Mom and Dad

gave us some valuable toy,

it was an accident.

- Accident?

Well, you know what?

For once, I just wanted

something good in my life--

I mean, besides Sherry.

Oh, Sherry, my dear,

dear wife, the world's greatest

wife, as the coffee mug I gave

her last Christmas

clearly states.

[cheery music]

If it's any consolation

to you, I just

want you to know

that we would have

split the money from the toy

with you and your ugly kids.

- Oh, it doesn't matter

anyway because it's

nowhere in this house.

So apparently,

you threw it away.

[bones cracking]

- Uh, what are you doing?

- I'm forgiving

you, big brother.

- What?

You're forgiving him?

- Just like that?

- He's family, guys, and

we Wrights are ride or die

for life.

[both groan]

- [inhales, exhales]

- Well, that was heartwarming.

Time for us to get

out of your hair.

See ya.

- What?

Leave?

But you're forgiven.

- And we appreciate that.

But you should be spending

time with these kids.

Clearly,

they need you, not a couple

of deadbeat, jealous liars.

Hey, mind if we bum a ride

to the train station, though?

Not the one in town,

the one two towns over.

It's a little cheaper that way.

- I appreciate you guys

coming, even if you're

still mad about all this.

- [groans]

- Let's hit the road, jacks.

- You got it, broski.

[engine turning over]

[tires squealing]

- Let's get what we can so

this con wasn't a total loss.

[tires screeching]

[horn honks]

[laughter]

- And that's when we learned

never to eat yellow food.

Ha-ha! You know, I'm glad

you two came to visit,

even though you lied

about your identity,

tried to rob me blind,

and traumatized my kids.

In a way, I feel partially

responsible for all this.

Maybe I could have

been a better brother.

- Huh?

- I'm sorry.

- Guys,

was that Ted and Sherry?

- Good grief.

They fooled me again.

- Dad, I know

he's your brother,

and we're ride and

die in this family,

but he just robbed us of

all of our possessions.

- [growling]

- Uh, Dad?

- Nobody messes with my

family, not even my family.

- Ahh!

- We're gonna die!

- [humming]

[engine revving]

- Hmm?

[gasps]

[tires squealing]

[horns honking]

[both yelling]

[tires squealing]

- Oh, hi, guys.

Hi, guys.

both: Ahh!

[together]

Ahh!

[loud crash]

- Wow.

Glad we didn't end up

like those guys, huh?

- [sighs] All right, they're

sending over a tow truck.

Everybody OK?

- I think so.

- Yeah.

- Gosh, I should have listened

to you guys from the start.

I have a soft spot

for family,

but I failed to consider

the most important family

members I have.

[horn honks]

- Hey, g*ng, need a ride?

- We're on our way to drop

off some gifts at

your house anyway.

[together]

Hmph.

[tires screeching]

- Let's see, collection of

whimsical panda figurines,

stack of used

kitchen condiments.

- Nobody pawns my pandas.

- Put the stuff

back in the truck.

- Pronto.

- You heard him, brother.

Do it.

[growling]

- Oh, be reasonable,

you guys, please.

- Let's just work this out like

a normal,

civilized family, yeah?

- Ted has had his

chance at civility.

It's time to dance.

- Let's Macarena then.

[knuckles and neck cracking]

Bring it on, bro.

- [growls]

- Hey. Hey.

Watch the merchandise.

- Ohh!

- Uh, this is kind of pathetic.

- No, it's very pathetic.

- Ohh. Ohh-h*!

- You both need to

take this outside.

Sorry, company policy.

[bell dings]

- Hiyah!

- They'll wear each other out.

- About a minute

left in them, tops.

- I'll take that bet.

- I think we can

call that a draw.

- Huh?

No, no, no, no, no.

No way, bro.

- Bad news, fam.

None of your stuff was worth

a penny, no rare antiquities,

no priceless artifacts, nada.

- What? Seriously?

Nothing.

We did all of that for nothing?

- I wouldn't say nothing.

You did completely

upend our lives.

So that's something.

- Yeah, I guess that is true.

Thanks, kid.

- Hey, wait a sec.

You were going to even

pawn off my Chippie?

You monsters.

Hey.

- That's not just

any old Chippie.

You got yourself

an original Kanga Ronomon.

These things

are worth a for-tune.

- A for-tune?

But it's all beat up.

- Doesn't matter, my dude.

That piece is vintage.

- Nate, look out.

both: No!

[bird squawks]

all: No!

- That's OK.

We can just get it

when it comes back.

- I'll give you all 8 bucks

for the washer-dryer.

[together]

No.

- All right,

all right, no deal, then.

- Well, I suppose

that's it, then.

- Yeah.

We better look into some

long-term rentals huh?

- No other choice, really.

[somber music]

- [sighs]



- [sighs]

They're staying

in the basement.

- Ride or die, baby.

- Oh, well, that's very nice

of you, but I just--

- Break out the olives, fam.

We are celebrating tonight.

- Dad.

- That's tight

enough there, buddy.

- OK. That's nice.

Thank you.

- Yeah, OK.

You can let go now.

- I can't breathe.

[gags]

[upbeat music]

- Don't want to go

to school today

The sun is red hot

and I wanna play

But if I get caught

they'll make me pay

Detention again

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Math and social studies

just ain't my thing

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Rocking with my band

is where I'm king

Stealing the teacher's teeth

or bailing on a test

- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,

ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Big Nate