02x15 - Speed Bump Brawl

[bunniefuu]

[both panting]

- Come on, Francis! Stay with

me!

- [yelling]

- Whoa! Huh?

[dramatic music]

- It's too far, Nate.

We can't make it!

- You know what we have to do.

- [gasps] You mean--

both:

Slingshot!

Whoa!

Whoo!

- Huh.

[toilet flushes]

- Nate, look!

It's the door to the

Temple of Azrahan.

- Oh!

- Oh!

- I've had it

with these people!

- [grunts]

[both gasp]

- Sorry, Francis,

but you gotta go.

- Get away from that boy.

- We obviously need

to re-evaluate

our "friend of Francis"

screening process.

- Wait!

- [gasping]

[grunts]

- Francis! No!

- Nate!

- What is happening?

[upbeat music]

Don't want to go

to school today

The sun is red hot

and I wanna play

But if I get caught

they'll make me pay

Detention again

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Math and social studies

just ain't my thing

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Rocking with my band

is where I'm king

Stealing the teacher's teeth

or bailing on a test

- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,

ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Big Nate

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- Dad! What was that all about?

- Son, the Popes are evil,

a discovery I made

after fighting with them

on social media,

where lots of people

liked and agreed with me.

- Dad, the Popes

are good people.

- Would good people wanna

rebuild P.S. 38 speed bump,

the one that

finally decomposed?

- I mean,

what are we doing here?

A school without a speed bump!

- Anybody who is

anti-school speed bump

clearly hates children.

- Okay, that seems

a bit dramatic.

[roaring]

- So the Popes

want a speed bump.

Who cares?

- Tell that to Cousin Amos.

He was just minding

his own business,

walking through a restricted

construction site.

Then he tripped, and

- [yelping]

- He was sealed

inside a speed bump.

- What does that

have to do with me

hanging out with Francis?

- Those Popes

could brainwash you

with their speed bumping ways.

- Martin Wright is a maniac

with terrible judgment.

- And that Nate will

grow up to be worse.

all: No more hanging out

with that boy!

[both gasp]

[school bell rings]

- [groans] Our parents

are being ridiculous.

Banning me and Francis

from hanging out?

[laughing] I mean,

they can't enforce that.

- Yeah, I mean, it's not like

they can follow you

around school.

- Ha!

[feedback squeals]

- Good morning, children.

I'm delighted to

announce that P.S. 38's

student principal of the week

is Chad Applewhite.

This week, he'll learn

the ins and outs of the job,

starting with the

announcements.

Batter up, Chad.

- The word of the week

is bumfuzzle,

meaning to confuse

or to fluster.

As used in a sentence,

when I woke up in a tank

full of rabid jellyfish,

I was bumfuzzled.

- Francis, Nate.

Direct orders from the top

to split you buddy-boos up.

[all gasp]

- Mrs. Godfrey, I--

- Back of the room, Nate, now!

[laughing maniacally]

[somber music]



- This stupid speed bump issue

is way worse than I thought.

- Now, Chad, my boy,

being a principal

is a lot of responsibility.

Everybody's depending on you.

With that burden comes respect.

- Oh, I've never

had respect before.

- Yeah.

- Hey, Nichols, Is this

speed bump going in or not?

- [laughs nervously]

- [yelps]

- Get out here.

I know you heard me.

- First lesson, Chad.

Avoid conflict at all costs.

Second lesson,

always have an escape plan.

- [yells]

- [laughs]

- Oh.

[shady music]

- Desperate times

call for desperate measures.

Jaguar calling Lobster.

My dad is out of earshot.

Are you clear?

- All clear, Jaguar.

- Ugh. I wish you were here.

I have this monster zit

on my back,

and I want you to log it

in our book of bacne.

- Yeah, that's right.

I'm back!

- Hey, where's Francis?

- You know, zits are

the speed bumps of the body.

Goodbye, Nate.

- Hey!

[yells, grunts]

- [yelling]

All right, I gotta talk

to Principal Nichols.

[birds cawing]

- We need that speed bump.

- You all should be worried

about the shifting

tectonic plates

beneath the school.

- Principal Nichols,

it's time to settle

this debate once and for--yah!

Chad? What are you doing here?

- I'm avoiding conflict.

- Chad, we've gotta find

Nichols

and solve this

speed bump brawl,

or I'll never see

Francis again.

- Well, I promised to keep his

hiding space a secret, but--

well, Gram Applewhite says,

"If you don't

"write your promises

in yak blood,

then they aren't

legally binding."

[laughs]

Okay, Nate. Follow me.

[both yell, grunt]

- [eating noisily]

[screams]

- Whoa, sweet setup.

[grunts]

- Keep your voice down.

[door creaks open, slams shut]

[water trickling]

- Shake once, shake twice,

and flush, and zip.

- [grunting]

- Oh, sugarplum,

better get in here.

- [screams]

No, please!

- There he is.

- Wait, Principal Nichols!

Principal Nichols! Please!

[yells]

- [stammering]

[yelps]

[screams]

- Nichols, we need an answer!

- Justice for Cousin Amos!

- Now, now,

everybody stay calm.

[dramatic music]

Oh!

[siren wailing]

- Promise me, my boy.

[clears throat]

Promise you'll take care

of our school.

- I won't let you down, Dad!

- I'm not your father.

You know what? Never mind.

Make me proud.

- Okay, Dad.

[thud]

- Ah!

[tires squeal]

[loud crash]

- This is your fault!

- Shame on you!

- Our friendship

is doomed, isn't it?

- No way! I have a plan.

Meet me at the woods' edge

at noon tomorrow.

- Simmer down, pustules.

[children laughing, talking]

[air horn blares]

- [yelps]

- Now, I'm sure you've all

heard the rumors

of Principal Nichols

going on medical leave.

It's true.

He'll be out for a week.

Therefore, our own student

principal, Chad Applewhite,

will take the helm

until further notice.

- Huh?

[all cheering]

- Um, Mrs. Godfrey,

wouldn't it be

a better idea

for an adult to do it,

like--oh, I don't know--you?

- Chad, you have all the

charisma of a stick of butter,

and people like butter.

Besides,

none of the teachers wanted

more responsibility

for less pay.

Nice try, Bundt cake.

- Amazing. Chad's in charge.

- I can already taste the lack

of adult supervision.

[all cheering]

[both panting]

[both laughing]

- Oh, we're free, Francis!

We're free!

Some dumb speed bump

can't ruin our friendship.

- Yeah, who needs parents?

[laughs]

So what do we do now?

- Whatever we want.

[upbeat music]

both:

We're men, we're men

We're men living

in the woods

Bet nobody thought we could

But we're doing it

[yelp]

Best friends, best friends

Best friends

taking on the world

Our dreams will all unfurl

'Cause we're doing it

Yeah, we're doing it

- We'll forage around,

collecting wood

- Do you think

these berries taste good?

- All that matters

is sticking together

- When your families

have gone mad

- We'll drink the water

from the river

- Oh, I've got pain--

is that my liver?

- I just realized

we should boil the water

- This gunky texture

churns my guts

- [grunts]

[toilet flushes]

- We can't chop wood

without an ax

- Were those

berries poison?

- Dude, relax

- Nate, I'm serious

My mouth feels

fuzzy and hot

Also, what's that rash

on your back?

- Now we're really

freaking out

- What was that?

I heard a howl!

- Where do we sleep while

getting pelted with rain?

- It burns my skin.

I don't wanna do this anymore!

both: We're men, we're men

[chainsaw rumbling]

We're men living

in the woods

We really thought

it'd be good

But we're doing it

Yeah, we're doing it

[sobbing]

- I wanna go home!

- It's so wet out here.

- We may have made

a huge mistake.

- We did. We definitely did.

Look!

[both scream]

- Howdy, boys.

No need to fear me.

[laughs]

Unless you fear the truth.

[bird calling]

- The truth?

- They call me Harsh Carl

for my blunt way of speaking.

What others call rude,

I call freedom.

[eagle screeches]

- Whoa, whoa, wait.

So you live off the grid too?

- Sí, amigo.

I was drummed out of the

Rackleff scientific community.

Those fools refused

to believe the results

of my nutrition research.

- I like science and nutrition.

What did you discover?

- That everyone should eat

an all-starch diet, obviously.

I mean, I survive

exclusively on potatoes.

Here, have a French fry.

And here, use this

starch oil on your rash.

- [yells]

It burns! It burns!

- Which means it's working.

So what brings you

to these parts, huh?

- Our parents got

in a stupid fight

and wouldn't let us hang out

anymore, so we ran away.

- Smart.

You should always burn your

bridges over any disagreement.

It's called boundaries.

- At first, we thought that--

- I'm already bored

with your story.

- Well, I'm inspired by yours.

Uh, maybe we could

live out here with you

and build our own society.

Think of it--

we can make our own utopia,

free of anger and conflict,

and full of potatoes.

- Huzzah, I've made friends!

Finally.

both:

Huzzah!

- [vocalizing]

[yelps]

- Oh, Chad!

We just love what you've done

with the place.

- Oh, well, thanks.

The chair is finally

molding to my buttprint.

[horse whinnies]

- Huh?

[both laughing]

- You, sir, are a riot.

- Oh, we wanted to share some

plans for a new giraffe farm

to put in place of the football

field, which we will finance--

should the new speed bump

go in, of course.

- Um

[suspenseful music]

Okay.

- Did you hear that, honey?

both:

Okay!

- I just gotta say how

proud I am to see you

taking on this principal role.

You've come a long way

since those sleepovers

with Nate back in the day.

- Sorry again for destroying

your bathroom that one time.

- Water under the bridge.

And also in the walls

and subflooring.

Anyhoo,

speaking of speed bumps,

I know you'll do the right

thing and get rid of it.

- Okay.

- Okay? Okay.

Well, thattaboy, Chad.

- Wow.

Everyone is so happy

when I say okay.

Maybe if I just let everyone

do what they want,

it will all work out.

[all yelling]

- [laughs, grunts]

- [laughing]

[expl*si*n]

- Approve our simultaneous

vacation time.

[upbeat music]

[all laughing]

[airplane engine roars]

- We have to do something!

- Okay.

[all yelling]

[dog barking]

- [yelling]

- Here you go, buddy.

Buen trabajo.

- I'm so excited to do

a musical with costumes

brought straight from Broadway.

You da best, Chad.

- I'm that kid who

ripped the water fountain

out of the wall for no reason.

Heh. Thanks, Chad.

- Chad Applewhite, thank you

for promising to remove

that awful speed bump.

It really puts a delay

in my commute.

- It's no problemo.

That speed bump is

deader than a dinosaur.

- That's interesting

because you promised us

it would be rebuilt.

- And by dinosaur,

I meant like a crocodile

that is still very much alive,

but still prehistoric.

- So which is it, Chad?

- Oh!

Who's Chad?

[yelps]

[yelps]

- Whoa, look at that.

[laughs]

- So cool.

- It's our own

Temple of Azrahan.

- All right!

- Ahh. This is the life.

- Why didn't we do this sooner?

- Hey, tell me something.

What was that big fight

about, anyway?

You know, the one in Rackleff,

with those wacko

potato deniers.

- Oh, yeah.

Francis's parents

were in a blind rage

about rebuilding the school's

only speed bump.

I mean,

that's pretty stupid, right?

- Blind rage?

They were worried about

keeping kids safe.

Have you seen the way

your dad drives?

- Okay, you know what?

That was one fire hydrant,

and it came out of nowhere.

- Well, if there had been

a speed bump,

then maybe that fire hydrant

would still be with us.

- Are you serious right now?

Did I not tell you

about my Uncle Amos

or cousin or something?

- Yeah, your cousin Amos

sounds like an imbecile.

If your dad would

just admit he's wrong,

then we wouldn't even

be in this predicament.

- Except that he's right!

- Boys, take some sage advice

from old Harsh Carl.

The best solution

is just to burn your bridges

and walk away.

That's what I do,

so my truth is never wrong.

It's why I sleep like a baby--

that and my all-starch diet,

which may explain my chest

pains and chronic fatigue.

[snoring]

Starch.

- You know what?

Harsh Carl is right.

You won't listen to the truth,

so why should I try?

I'm going home.

- I'm going home,

too, without you.

both:

Hmph!

[tense music]

Okay, I have to head back

the same way,

but I will do so

at a much faster pace.

all:

Speed bump or bust!

Speed bump or bust!

all:

Justice for Cousin Amos!

- We're focused on

the wrong thing!

all:

Can it, Janet!

- [yelling]

[loud crash]

[monkeys chattering]

- [whimpering]

What would

Principal Nichols do?

Oh!

[intriguing music]

[gasps]

[chuckles]

Oh, Mrs. Shipulski,

please ask the parents

and students to come see me.

I will take their requests

one at a time.

[dramatic musical sting]

- Hey, Dad!

both:

Dad, you were right.

I should have listened to you.

- Dad?

- Uh, hello?

[tense music]

both:

Where is everybody?

- Chad, speed bumps

entombed my cousin

and nearly k*lled

our principal.

Who's next, the president

of the United States?

- [chuckles]

Couldn't agree more.

- [screams]

[loud crash]

Next.

- What are you guys

gonna ask for?

- A tour bus to take my

one-woman show,

"Dee Dee: Double the Danger,"

on the road.

- Are you guys noticing that

people go into Chad's office

but never come out?

[electronic chirp]

- [screams]

[all gasp]

- I'm okay!

- Go. Go!

- [yells]

- Chad, what are you doing?

- Avoiding conflict.

I'm the principal.

- You can't just send people

down some random trap door.

- Yes, I can. Look.

[electronic chirp]

- [yelps]

- What?

[electronic chirp]

Oh, boy.

[all yelling]

- Hey, kids. Come over here.

This is our side of the cellar.

- Your side is clearly bigger.

- Because more people

agree with me.

- This is not

going to end well.

[rumbling, cracking]

- It's happening!

I told you to pay attention

to the tectonic plates.

Doomsday is upon us!

all:

Can it, Jan--

[screaming]

[suspenseful music]

- Huh? Ugh.

- Ugh.

both:

What are you doing here? Hmph!

- Look, I don't know

where my parents are,

and this is starting

to feel like

that "Time Disruptors" comic

where the whole town

gets abducted.

- Stop trying

to make me like you

with your super-specific

comic book references.

But yeah, my dad's missing too.

- As much as I hate it,

we should stick together--

uh, for safety.

- [splutters]

I mean, obviously.

But that does not mean

we're friends.

- How long were we gone for?

[monkey screeches]

- Hello, children!

Friendly reminder

that our pep rally begins

in the auditorium at 3:30.

Don't miss out

on your free yogurt pop.

- I have so many questions.

- Good afternoon,

my dutiful students.

Who's excited

for our pep rally?

- Woo!

- It should surprise no one

that Patricia

is our student of the month.

- Okay, I've seen enough.

Hey, Chad. Where is everybody?

- Sometimes the principal

has to make hard choices

to avoid having

to make hard choices.

[rumbling, cracking]

[both screaming]

[both grunt]

- This can't be

how my life ends!

Chad, what have you done? Gah!

[dramatic music]

- Nate, the floor is lava!

- Okay, yeah.

Thanks, Captain Obvious.

- No, the floor is lava!

[clock ticking]

[bell dings]

- [gasps]

- Francis,

you beautiful genius!

God, stop being so

irresistibly likable.

You ready?

- Always.

Well, I--not always,

but in this case, yes.

- Nate, over here!

Quick, grab my hand!

- Get away from my boy!

Francis, come to Papa!

- You get away from my boy!

[both grunting]

- Oh, no! Nate!

- Great--our parents

couldn't stop fighting,

and now we're gonna die.

Nate, I wanna apologize

for what I said in the woods.

I cared more about being right

than about our friendship,

and I'm sorry.

- That's--that's very big

of you, Francis.

I accept your apology.

- [clears throat]

- Okay, fine.

Yeah, I'm sorry too.

And we can't let something

so trivial break us up again.

It has to be

for something big, like--

like me stealing your identity

or something.

- [gasps] Nate, are you

thinking what I'm thinking?

both:

Slingshot!



[both sigh]

[all scream]

- Okay, everybody.

Get through!

[metal groaning]

[all screaming]

- Chad, you're the principal!

Everybody is depending on you!

- Being a principal means

people depend on you.

Here, use my student body

student bodies.

- Oh, saving yourself first?

Typical.

- I was just grabbing hold

of it, you--

- Would you just get over

yourselves and climb?



- Ugh.

- Patricia!

[somber music]



I'll carry on

your legacy, Patricia.

[dramatic music]



- The kids are right.

This is silly.

Friends?

- We will silently carry this

grudge until the day we die.

- It's good to be back.

If I knew I'd get

such a warm welcome,

I'd get put in a

full-body cast more often.

Anyway, I'm proud to announce

our new, agile speed bump.

It's a remote-operated

speed bump

that will rise and lower

depending on each parent's

preference.

And after such

a promising display

of loyalty to his duties,

I've promoted Chad

from kid principal

to agile speed bump operator.

[horn honks]

[car alarms blaring]

- Eh, I guess people

will always

be upset about something.

May as well have fun with it.

Hey, Chad,

let me see that remote.

[tires squeal]

[crash]

- [laughs]

both:

We're men, we're men

We're men living

in the woods

Bet nobody

thought we could

But we're doing it

Best friends, best friends

Best friends

taking on the world

Our dreams will all unfurl

'Cause we're doing it

Yeah, we're doing it

- We'll forage around

collecting wood

- Do you think

these berries taste good?

- All that matters

is sticking together

- When your families

have gone mad

- We'll drink the water

from the river