02x11 - The Real Kids of P.S. 38

[bunniefuu]

- Who can say

where the road goes? ♪

- Brought to you

by the letter Zee!

- What are we even watching?

It's confusing my soul.

Change channels!

- Ugh. I wish.

My dad cut the cord.

Now all we get is

public-access TV, channel 12.

- [groans]

- [laughs] Aah!

-This is your off-hours

associate content producer,

Wink Summers, with today's

"News Nanosecond!"

- They let

a failed meteorologist

become a producer?

I guess Hollywood people

really do fail up.

- This just in!

Rackleff's been voted

the "Most Boring

and Forgettable Town in Maine."

The Map Makers Guild is voting

to remove it

from the map entirely,

citing that writing

the word "Rackleff"

is a "pointless waste of ink."

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! What?

We're way too awesome

to be from the most boring town

in Maine.

And meow, here's

everyone's favorite segment,

"Grooming with Godfrey!"

[cat meows]

- Mrs. Godfrey has

her own show and I don't?

How is this possible?

- Uh, yeah.

This show's worse than school.

At least stuff happens

at school.

[bell dings]

- Teddy, you're a genius!

I should pitch Wink

a reality show set at P.S. 38!

We're all more attractive

and talented

than anyone else they've got

on this stupid channel.

- A reality show would be

the perfect opportunity

to make a name for myself.

- Let's do it!

[laughter]

[upbeat music]

Don't want to go

to school today ♪

The sun is red hot

and I wanna play ♪

But if I get caught,

they'll make me pay ♪

Detention again ♪

- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪

- Math and social studies

just ain't my thing ♪

- Big Nate, Big Nate ♪

- Rocking with my band

is where I'm king ♪

Stealing the teacher's teeth

or bailing on a test ♪

- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,

ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

Big Nate ♪

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- Hmm.

[glass shatters]

- Young man, you can't go

in there.

- Wink, old buddy, old pal.

Hey!

Congrats on the producing gig.

You know, you're really

putting out some, uh

[clears throat] Unique content.

- You like it, huh?

- Didn't say that.

- Yeah, it's--it's been--

[wails] Oh, it's been terrible!

Oh, my boss is gonna fire me!

[sobs]

- Well, maybe it's because

your content is exclusive

to a platform

that not everyone has access to

or even knows about yet.

Uh, either way, you're lucky

I came here today, Wink.

I've got just the thing

to bring in fresh eyeballs.

My show is gonna be way hotter,

way cooler,

and way juicier than anything

you've got on air.

- Color me intrigued.

- It's--drumroll.

A middle-school reality show!

- That sounds

amazing!

I love reality shows!

All right, kid.

You've got a deal!

- [gasps]

- Just sign this contract

giving me full creative control

so you won't have

to worry about a thing.

- [laughs] Okay,

nothing bad has ever come

from someone blindly

signing a contract, right?

[upbeat music]

- [laughs]

I can't believe I'm about

to make my reality show debut!

- I'm not getting involved

with some reality show.

"Aww, that girl uses

a wheelchair.

She'll provide

a heartwarming story."

[sighs]

- Ha ha! Yeah!

I get to show people

how awesome I am

and I get free food?

My Swag-Life dreams

are coming true!

[vocalizes guitar riff]

- All right,

where are your stars?

I canceled "Indoor Hog Hunting

with Coach John" for you.

- There she is.

- [snorts]

- What a beauty.

- [squeals]

- Aah!

- You want stars, Winkmeister?

Well, we've got stars up

to our armpits.

We make Rackleff Rackleff.

Jazz hands.

- Yeah, yeah, just point me

to the comedy,

the tragedy, most importantly,

the conflict!

- Good afternoon,

I'm your host, Nate Wright,

P.S. 38's

most in-demand cartoonist

and all-around heartthrob

[laughing]

If I do say so myself.

And over there,

Francis is the brainiac

of our friend group.

Hey, Francis!

Say something brainy.

- Uh, well, um--

[groans] Uh.

- Now that is good TV.

- [shudders]

- [winces] Want me to explain

the Pythagorean theorem

or--or identify all historic

U.S. battle sites on a map?

- No!

- Uh, can I have my bike back?

- No, I'm stealing it!

This is mine now!

[bell dings]

Aah!

You made me crash

my bike, you losers!

- Don't waste your time filming

that jerk-wad Randy.

Huh, yeah, he's basically known

for being a villain.

- Which is exactly

what we need!

Not this Randy kid, though.

He's the quiet, brooding type.

Our villain should be

more theatrical!

- Oh, okay.

Well, uh, we're focusing

on everyone's talents anyway,

and Randy doesn't have any.

- He is talented at defying

all human laws of evolution.

[chuckles]

- You're a riot.

- I am?

- Ooh, a girl using

a wheelchair.

- Amy's from New York City.

She's an amazing chef.

You know, if you viewers are--

- I see you use a wheelchair,

Amy.

What happened?

[dramatic music]

- Sorry, it's just so hard

to talk about.

See, I was trying

to save an orphaned kitten

on the railroad tracks

when I was brutally attacked

by a feral, uh, moose!

[sobs]

- [laughs] You're such a dork.

Can you please take

this seriously?

- Ugh, fine.

Hi, audience.

I have cerebral palsy,

which is a condition

that affects

my muscle coordination,

and, in my case,

it's due to a brain injury

that occurred during birth.

- Ah, so that's why

you couldn't run

from a feral moose!

Keep fighting the good fight.

We're rooting for you, Amy!

- You're on your own

with this clown.

- [laughs] Okay.

See you inside.

Now "Who is Dee Dee Holloway,"

you ask?

Wait, wait, wait! Come back!

[upbeat electronic music]

- Uh, uh.

- [chomps]

- That girl is a star!

- Whoa! What--

what am I looking at there?

- Ooh, ooh!

Last year I played a cat in--

- Ooh, this kid looks like

trouble.

- That's Chad.

He's impossibly adorable.

Right?

- I just realized

that fingernails are basically

toenails for your hands.

[dramatic beat]

- Aah!

- Whoa, never thought about

my fingernails that way.

- [clears throat]

Shall I start with

A song? ♪

Or a tap dance?

- Boring!

- Check it out!

I'm Teddy Krueger.

[laughs]

- This is Teddy,

the class clown.

- Don't quit your day job, kid.

- Pfft, I don't need

your validation, brah.

I'm just here

for the corn dogs!

Swag Life!

[vocalizes guitar riff]

- [laughs] Great content, kid.

Let's find some more.

- Wait!

Wait! Don't forget about me!

I will do literally anything

to be on camera!

- Hold up,

is this the girl you said

was gonna bring the drama?

- Yep, Dee Dee is all drama

all the time.

- Oh, it's true! I love drama

What do you wanna see?

I've played Bonnie and Clyde,

Lady Macbeth's

equally corrupt cousin,

Katie Macbeth, okay,

and Captain Hook's hook!

- You specialize in villains,

I see.

Go ahead and show us

what you got.

- Whew! Thanks!

[laughs]

Being on TV is

kind of my thing.

[exhales] And now,

Shakespeare's "King Lear."

Thou art a boil, a plague sore,

an embossed carbuncle in my--

- This is perfect.

- Mm!

Gah! This is so exciting!

People all over Maine are gonna

meet the real Dee Dee Holloway!

- [laughs] Yeah,

and all those people

are gonna find out that

Rackleff isn't boring at all.

It's super dope.

Tonight on "Nate & Friends"

we've got drama,

we've got intrigue,

we've got a star.

- [grunting]

[chomping]

- Our class clown

- [groans, shrieks]

[laughter]

What the?

- The brainiac

- Fingernails are basically

toenails

for your hands.

I never knew that.

- Here's Teddy!

- I'm only here

for the corn dogs. [burps]

Ha, accurate!

- This is Amy

- [cries]

- [sighs]

- Introducing our impossibly

adorable heartthrob,

Randy.

- [farts]

[cackles]

- What?

- Um--

- Gross!

- Hunky.

- Last but not least

- Ooh, here I am!

- She's known

for being a villain,

Dee Dee Holloway.

- You're such a dork.

- [wails]

- Thou art a boil,

a plague sore.

[all crying]

[cackles]

What?

- Wink, Wink, baby,

I say this with love.

You're insane!

There is no world, none,

in which Randy Betancourt

is a heartthrob!

And Dee Dee being mean?

She's, like, the nicest person

I know!

- Trust me, kid.

I'm an associate producer.

You didn't bring the drama,

but the Winkster,

he gets results.

"Nate & Friends"

is posed to become

the highest-ranked program

in channel 12 history!

[cash register dings]

- [laughs]

I knew my friends and I

were just the ones

to finally get Rackleff

some respect.

Booyah!

But seriously,

we gotta lay off Dee Dee, okay?

- Sure, sure, kid.

You just worry

about being famous.

[cheers and applause]

[lively music]

- I'm just here

for the corn dogs.

- Yeah, you are, bro!

- [gulps]

[tires screeching]

- Hmm? [grunts]

- [squeals]

He's such a wild child.

- Total bad boy.

- [coughs]

- [laughs nervously]

Uh, hi, guys.

[crowd booing]

- Go home!

- Guys, guys,

it was just

a little editing mishap!

I'm really a good person.

- Dee Dee's a bully!

- [gasps]

- There's Amy,

the moose-attack victim!

- Stop being so gullible,

people.

Ugh, suburbanites.

- For the moose annihilation

fund.

- Dude, that didn't really--

- The moose assassins need it

more than me.

My family is rich.

- Uh

- Aah!

[laughter]

Oh, maybe I am funny.

- "Nate & Friends"

is my favorite show.

- They love us!

They really love us!

- I should go tell the fans

a joke.

Hey, guys, what did the neuron

say to the electron?

- More free food! Dope!

- Dude, will you sign

my corn dog?

- Um, maybe later, brah.

Right now I'm all about

this sweet sandwich.

- You aren't a sandwich guy.

You're here for the corn dogs.

Corn dogs, corn dogs!

- You wanna keep

this free food train rollin',

then you better go sign

that man's corn dog.

- Fine, but don't let anyone

eat my sammie.

- Nate, did you talk to Wink?

- Oh-h*-h*, sure did.

And guess what!

We are getting mad eyeballs.

[laughs] Yeah, our ratings

are off the charts!

- How is that good news?

That just means more people

think I'm a jerk.

- Hoo, ha, jerk, jerk, jerk!

- Aw, come on.

Don't worry, Dee Dee.

Wink promised

he's makin' some changes.

The rating are great,

and you'll have tons of time

to show everyone

just how awesome you are.

I mean, show out.

Have some ciabatta.

- Dee Dee sure dropped

a bombshell last night,

didn't she, calling you all

boils and plague sores?

- Yeah, maybe Dee Dee's

not here for the right reasons.

- Reality Show

Super Phrase Alert.

- Hillary, what--

what are you saying?

- Uh, I don't know.

This guy told me to--

- Let's dive deeper

into your harrowing experience,

Hillary B.

- Uh, rude.

- Wink, can I steal you

for a sec?

I wanted to let everyone know

that I'm donating my lunch

to the needy today.

- Hey, that's the Dee Dee

we all know and love.

- Would you like

to give me your lunch

so we can feed the needy?

- I guess.

I mean, I guess.

- Would you like

to give me your lunch

to donate to the needy?

- Uh, sure.

- Randy, would you like

to give me your lunch to--

- No, I'm the needy one.

I don't wanna share.

You can't make me.

- Oh, I am so sorry, Randy.

I didn't realize

you were so hungry.

Here, you can have mine.

Hey, guys, would you like

to give your lunches

to the needy?

- Mmm, mmm.

Oh, it tastes like validation.

[bright music]

[laughs]

- [sneezes]

Curse you pollen, dust,

and mold spores.

[laughter]

Mom! Dad!

I've decided to become

a professional comedian.

- [gasps]

You seriously got a pony?

- Yup, had to do something

with all that cash

people keep giving me

to get rid of mooses.

Meese?

I don't know.

This is Hork.

- See, reality TV isn't so bad

after all.

You got a pony,

needy people got

tons of sandwiches,

and after tonight's episode,

my reputation will be restored

and all of Maine will love me.

Everybody's winning.

- Maybe Dee Dee's not here

for the right reasons.

- Whoa, I've been pushed!

[groaning]

- [laughs]

- Actions speak louder

than words, am I right?

- Gimme your lunch.

Gimme your lunch.

- [cackles]

- [crying]

- Wow, Dee Dee, just wow.

All of us here

at "Nate & Friends"

pledge our ongoing support

to poor Randy.

- Why is Wink doing this to me?

- I knew Wink was a sleazeball.

He only cares about ratings

and that sweet

public-access cash.

- If only I could give him cash

to make me look good.

Oh, hang on!

How much moose money is left?

- Aw, come on.

I was gonna get Hork a brother.

- Sad Hork!

- [cackles]

- [screams]

- Wink, this is my show,

and we gotta make some changes,

pronto.

I'm taking over as editor.

- Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Don't you remember?

You signed a contract giving

me full creative control

of "Nate & Friends."

It's my way

or the highway, kid.

- Seriously, Wink?

Then it's the highway.

Dee Dee is one

of my best friends,

and there is nothing

that upsets her more

than being disliked.

Well, except for pigeons.

- Pigeons, you say?

[knock at door]

- Hang on.

- Mayor Klatchko?

- Nate Wright,

I just went online

and discovered

that "Where is Rackleff?"

Was tonight's

third most-searched term

right after

"Why foot itchy middle-aged?"

Rackleff's back, baby!

Here's a bucket

of chicken wings

and the key to the city.

- [groans]

[key clangs]

Rackleff is back on the map,

and it's all thanks to me!

- I helped too.

- Gotta go, Wink.

Make Dee Dee look good.

See you tomorrow.

- Can't get enough

of dreamboat Randy?

Dying to see what trouble

Dee Dee will kick up next?

Tune in tomorrow for our

most shocking episode yet!

[doorbell rings]

- You got the cash?

- Ugh, no.

My mom busted me for collecting

fake moose money.

- No! How'd she find out?

- Someone named Hork

ate her entire shampoo bottle.

- [neighs]

- Ugh, what am I gonna do?

Paying off Wink was

my only hope

to salvage my image.

- [gasps]

- Hey.

Whatcha here for, little buddy?

- [laughs] Okay, okay.

I gotta go to school, man.

- Ya here for the corn dogs?

[chuckles]

- [groans]

- Come on, little dude.

You gotta say it

before I can let you pass.

- [sighs] I'm here

for the corn dogs.

- Boom! You said it!

You totally said it! [laughs]

- Corn dogs!

- [screams]

[siren wails]

- Oh, pardon me.

Pardon me, Miss.

- [groans]

- Miss Kressley!

I'm with Shining Star

Talent Agency,

and I would love to sign you

and put your name in lights.

- That's supposed to be me.

- Can I get some privacy,

please?

I'm trying to have breakfast

with my family.

[growls]

- Aah! Not again!

[birds chirping]

- [sighs]

Chad?

- Uh, no!

There's no Chad here.

Just a regular tree.

[scats]

Aah!

- There he is,

the only person smart enough

to solve climate change!

The polar bears need you!

[all yelling]

[dramatic music]

[car alarm blaring]

[alarm beeps off]

- [yowls]

- I love you, Randy.

- [yowls]

- [chokes]

[grunting]

[laughter]

- [sighs]

- Ah, another day of proving

Rackleff's awesomeness.

- Nate, the viewers are

ravenous for more content.

What's on the menu today?

- Yeah, uh, hey, over there!

Chad, what's two plus seven?

- Oh! No, no, no, no, no, no!

- Hey there, Randy.

Whatcha got?

- This is my face

and my sandwiches.

You can't have them!

- Ha ha, um, okay.

That's fine.

I'm sure we can find someone.

- Don't you worry about it,

Nate.

I've got it covered.

- What's in the box?

- Little something to showcase

Dee Dee's vulnerability.

Viewers love vulnerability.

Here's our drama queen!

Some fans have sent you

a special gift, Dee Dee.

- I have fans? For real?

- Why don't you open it?

[cooing]

- Aah! Pigeons!

Aah! No! Get away, get away!

Aah!

- [laughs] This is pure gold.

- Hey, that wasn't cool!

If putting Rackleff

on the map means

throwing my friends

under the bus,

then, well, it's not worth it.

You've driven everyone away.

[bird squawking]

- Nonsense!

You signed a contract,

remember?

We just need to get creative.

Your buddies

can't quit the show

if they don't realize

they're filming the show!

[cackles]

It's a hidden camera!

Go capture

some juicy private moments

and I'll work my magic on it.

Reality TV viewers are idiots!

We can make people

believe anything.

Just get that footage

to me by 5:00.

- So Nate, wanna tell me

how Wink knew

to give me a fit like that?

Nobody knows I'm afraid

of pigeons.

Nobody except

my so-called friends.

- Uh, I'm sorry, Dee Dee.

I didn't meant to tell him,

and I didn't mean

to sign your lives away

on that contract.

I got so wrapped up in ratings

and putting Rackleff

on the map,

I just went all in.

I didn't realize it would

lead to hurting my friends

and Randy,

but the good news is,

I can fix this.

Uh, check it out!

I have a professional TV camera

hidden in my hair.

- Are you kidding me right now,

Nate?

- No, no, no! Wait!

Wait, wait, wait! Hear me out.

We can make our own show,

Dee Dee, starring you!

We'll show everyone

you're not a jerk

and give Wink a taste

of his own medicine.

- Hmm, okay.

Teddy can edit,

Francis is on script duty,

Nate, you're on voice-over,

and I'll be starring

and directing.

- Could not have made

a better plan myself.

[adventurous music]

[phones ringing]

- Episode 214 is on the way.

[laughs] We're just running

a tad behind schedule.

It'll be ready

at the end of the day.

We're handling it in post!

Oh, you can't rush the process.

There you are!

You almost left me hangin',

kid.

It's nearly 5:00!

- Oh h*-h*.

I'm sorry about that, Winkypoo.

Hey, Francis, email Wink

the footage!

- Done.

- This better be good

'cause there's no time

to edit it.

- [laughs] Don't worry.

It's perfect.

- "After the Final Bell,"

ooh, I get it!

Viewers will think

they're getting

a behind-the-scenes exposé.

- Exactly.

It's time to show the world

who I really am,

the unedited, unfiltered

Dee Dee Holloway.

Ooh.

[cash register dings]

I smell scandal.

Love it.

- This is my friend,

Dee Dee Holloway.

She's great under pressure.

[cheers and applause]

Dee Dee is a model citizen.

- Whoa! Whoa!

- A hero to all

[dolphin chatters]

- While still being

super talented.

Did I mention that?

- [yodels]

- Incredible! Incredible!

- Dee Dee is all-around

super awesome.

[monitor beeping rapidly]

- [roars]

[sweet music]

- Think that polar bear is off

to get a brrr-ito?

[laughs]

[booing]

- We aren't airing this.

No one's gonna watch

this nonsense.

- [laughs] Oh, it's already

airing, Winkybear.

Yep, up to 150,000 views.

both: Sweet.

- This link is on the Internet?

[gasps]

You don't have permission

to post "Nate & Friends"

on the Internet.

It belongs to me.

- Correction.

"Nate & Friends" belongs

to you.

"After the Final Bell" belongs

to me and my friends.

Oh. [laughs] Look at that!

200,000 views.

Looks like we've gone viral.

- What can I say?

The people love me.

The real me, that is.

- But this is drivel!

It's pointless!

It doesn't even have a villain.

- Oh, don't worry, Wink.

There's a villain. [laughs]

Wait for it.

[ominous music]

- [laughs darkly]

I'm failed meteorologist

Wink Summers.

I think reality TV viewers

are idiots.

Puppies are stupid.

This will ruin me!

You have to take this down!

- Oh, yeah, we'll take it down

just as soon as you rip up

our contract.

- Otherwise, there's more where

this came from.

- Look, you're famous!

- [guffaws] I eat babies.

[gasps, screams]

Fine!

I'll rip up your contract,

but now that you've gotten the

sweet, sweet taste of stardom,

you'll be crawling back

for more.

You'll see!

I've learned nothing!

Whoo!

[loud crash]

[cheers, laughter]

- [sighs] Good episode, guys.

[upbeat music]

- Hork, punk rock pony ♪

He'll take your testimony ♪

He eats

grain-free rigatoni ♪

That's Hork ♪

Ain't made for matrimony ♪

His daughter's name

is Joanie ♪

He wants to win a Tony ♪

That's Hork ♪

[driving

electric guitar music]

♪

That's Hork