01x03 - What a Co-inky-dick

[bunniefuu]

[WHITNEY]

Previously on Run the World

Apparently, he's been floating

the entire band,

paying for studio time,

equipment, all of it.

- No! My marriage is over.

- Okay. Oh, no.

Miss Sondi Hill.

She is one of my PhD advisees

in African American Studies.

Anderson?

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS]



- No.

- [BRIAN] You look good, girl.

You lucky I been tryin' to holla at you

since we was interns.

- [BRIAN MOANS]

- [ELLA] Come on. Come on.

- What's wrong?

- I got whiskey d*ck.

[OLA] Hey, Whitney.

Are you seriously standing me up again?

I'm sorry. I'm still working.

Hey.

I'm not sure I should

be getting married.



[SINGER] Speed off, I'm whippin'

Speed off I'm whipping'

[CROWD CHEERING]

All right, let's go.

All I'm saying is,

I don't think Dominicans

should say the *-word.

It offends me.

It offends my Nigerian Americanness.

I don't have a problem with it

as long as there's true commitment.

So you can't just be

a n*gga at barbecues

and DaBaby concerts

but when police show up,

all of a sudden,

"Lo siento, no-no speak inglés."

- Stop. You're stupid.

- [ANDERSON] What up, y'all?

[OLA] Hey!

[JASON] Yo. What's good, man?

It's good to see you.

- [OLA] You back from the dead?

- In the flesh.

[LAUGHTER]

Can we get this man a beer?

- [SERVER] All right, coming up.

- Thank you.

- I heard you were back.

- I bet.

Last time I saw your wife,

she was giving me the business.

Oh, the business is what

my future ex-wife does.

Oh, man.

Bro, I didn't even know.

- I'm sorry to hear that.

- It's all good.

Renee's a little aggressive

for my taste, but

damn it if the girl ain't witty.

It's for the best, man, you know.

Honestly, it's been

brewing for a long time.

A lot of hurt feelings, loss of trust.

Sometimes you just stop

Yo, are we watching

football or Dr. Phil?

Man, let this Black man

talk about his feelings, bro.

Thank you. I got a lot.

I have been listening to every feeling

this Black man has for weeks.

I get the picture.

[CROWD CHEERS]

Oh!

Okay.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

[SINGER] Shorty gon' know

She don't roll with me now

She gon' roll with me

Down, down, down, down

She gon' ride with me down

[LAUGHS]

Yo, y'all see what I see?

I know. It was a beautiful thing.

I'm getting married. I saw nothing.

Oh, congrats. That's what's up.

- Yo, Black love and all that.

- [LAUGHS]

I'm just saying, though,

that a*s is a masterpiece.

In the words of a very talented man

that we call The-Dream,

"Shawty was a ten."

Cheers to the booty.

- [ALL CHEER]

- A'ight.

Hey, what are y'all

getting into this weekend?

You know your girl's

birthday is tomorrow night.

I do know this. Is she having a party?

Yeah, she's doing

a little karaoke thing.

Of course she is.

Girl can't sing for sh*t,

but she loves karaoke.

[LAUGHTER]

- You going?

- Oh, yeah.

Oh, nah, I've been excommunicated.

[BREATHES HEAVILY] Yeah, me too.

Hey, you-you know they call me Satan?

Yeah, they do-they do call you that.

They've been doing that for a long time.

Oh, thanks for having my back, man.

Appreciate you.

Look, I think you and Ella

just need to talk, man.

She wouldn't hate you so much

if she didn't still love you.

You should come, sh**t your shot.

[JASON] f*ck that.

We are handsome Black men

with advanced degrees,

no roommates, and no kids.

We are the prize

in the Black man sweepstakes.

No going back.

Jason, you know I

f*ck with you, right?

[JASON] Hell, yeah.

But you you sound

a little bitter, bro.

You do. You sound bitter, brother.

Little bit.

You sound like a n*gga

scorned or some sh*t.

- Scorned?

- [ANDERSON] Yeah, brother.

- That's passion.

- [CROWD CHEERS]

Oh!

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS]



[SINGER] We're running,

we're running, we're running

We run the world, we run the

[CELL PHONE BUZZES]

Hey.

Happy birthday

To you

Stop.

- Thank you.

- Are you sad-walking on your birthday?

At least I choose to feel sorry

for myself in private.

[RENEE] Get your sh*t together,

'cause tonight

we got food, we got booze,

and we got over 10,000 songs

to choose from, girl.

[ELLA] Thirty-two is just

such a non-important number.

And it sounds awful.

"Ella McFair, comma, 32,

"peaked at 29 after a failed attempt

at becoming an author.

Spends the rest of her time

single, in transition, and drunk."

Yeah, yeah, that sounds depressing.

It's a good thing

nobody's writing about you.

Oh, gotta go.

Okay. Bye.

[PHOTOGRAPHER] Yes, there you go.

Good. Good. Good. I wanna see.

Smile. Bigger, bigger, bigger.

[RENEE] Abby,

is it possible that she

can look slightly less elated?

We're selling yogurt

that makes you sh*t.

It doesn't give you eternal life.

[ABBY] Oh, my God,

I was totally thinking that.

No, it's like those

depression commercials

where all the women

seem so freaking happy.

I literally watch them like,

"Maybe I should get depressed

"so that I can wear a white dress

"and Hula-Hoop with

my daughter in the park

and find it blissful

instead of exhausting."

Right? And chicks with plaque psoriasis

are living their best life,

just flaking everywhere.

[PHOTOGRAPHER] Blow your mouth.

Blow. Blow from mouth.

Ooh, yes, that's it. Ooh. Yeah.

- Hey, Marcos.

- [MARCOS] Mm, there. Ooh.

- [ROLLING R] Hey, Marcos.

- [MARCOS] Mm.

- [ROLLING R] Marcos.

- Go.

Hi, um, do you think you could

tone down the happy a little bit?

Sure, Abby.

It's your campaign.

- That was rude.

- Very.

[MARCOS] Give me dead face. Dead face.

Oh, by the way,

I'm still interested in the

VP of brand strategy role.

I mean, Tantric is overlooking

a large consumer segment

not speaking to AA,

and there's a huge uptick

of Black interest

in health and wellness.

Renee

you do not have to pitch me.

You're my day-one number one.

I'm gonna talk to Tom and Peter.

Thank you.

But are you sure that you're,

like, up for that right now

with everything you've got going on?

Who, me?

- Yeah.

- I'm-I'm great.

I'm-I'm fine.

What, I don't look great? I mean

No, I'm just saying

that my first three divorces

were way heavy.

Divorce can be like a death.

[SIGHS]

Dorinda Medley says you're

not supposed to say that.

But I'm fine, really.

You know, my grandfather always told me

there's only one direction,

and that's straight ahead.

Also, I still look good in lingerie,

and that gives me peace, okay?

The best way to get over a man

is to get on a private

jet with another one.

That's what my grandfather always said.

[LAUGHS]

I know that's right.

Is your grandfather single?

[SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYS]

[OLA] Hey, babe, we're doing

Nelly and Kelly tonight, right?

[WHITNEY] Yeah, babe.

[OLA] Babe, you have

got me spoiled now.

The hospital lotion

doesn't have sh*t on this.

It's like that stuff

intentionally causes ash.

I feel like I need to bring

Kiehl's to the masses.

Oh, you wouldn't feel that way

if you knew how much it cost.

Hey, I see you better

not be buying more pillows.

I'm not.

I swear I just saw a

pillow on that screen.

I'm not buying pillows.

I'm looking for a

birthday present for Ella.

Uh-huh.

Hey, babe, let's get our registry done.

Yeah, okay.

Ola, you did not seriously

register for a treadmill.

That is not something you

ask other people to pay for.

Okay, and it's totally normal

to ask people to buy us a Dutch oven?

You don't even know

what a Dutch oven is.

- Mm-mm.

- [BOTH] No.

No. [LAUGHS]

But I'd like to put

my Dutch in your oven.

- Oh.

- Come here. [LAUGHS]

Hey, how about we get some china

for Christmas dinners with

your parents, my parents,

and our four kids?

- Four?

- Mm-hmm.

What? [LAUGHS]

Oh, you don't hear that?

Listen.

That's our firstborn son.

He's saying, "Mommy,

Daddy, fertilize me."

You realize this is not a turn-on.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Okay.

How about this?

Mm-hmm. [LAUGHS]

[OLA CHUCKLES]

- Is that better?

- Yeah.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I love you.

I love you.

["ARTIFICIAL LOVER" PLAYING]

[ABBY JASMINE] Yeah, yeah, yeah



Yeah, yeah

I'm so tired of fighting

The things That I can't control

Could you give me Excitement

Before I gotta tell you go

808s for my heartbreak

And Mary Jane for my soul

Only thing I confide in

Hey, there.

- [LAUGHS]

- Come on, man.

Don't do me like that.

You know I'm humiliated.

Don't be.

You've only been trying to

f*ck me for, like, eight years.

Well, I'm probably the last person that

you wanna see on your birthday, huh?

- How did you know it was my

- Facebook.

I've got to delete that account.

- So you got big plans?

- Yeah, karaoke party tonight.

You should come.

Low-key, I f*cking love karaoke.

- [ELLA] Oh.

- But I gotta

cover this red carpet

for Sneaker p*mps.

Boo, red carpet.

I know.

- [WOMAN] Brian.

- Hmm?

You're Access Hollywood, right?

We'll be ready for you in about 15.

What outlet are you with?

Hot Tea Digest.

Oh.

Right.

So it looks like your slot

isn't until 10:30,

but we're running late,

so, like, closer to 11:15.

Online outlets go last, after TV

and print.

I'm aware.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]



All right, men's group meets

at FCDC on Tuesday nights.

[MAN] Cool. I'll be there.



Uh, hello.

Can I get a hello?

[CHUCKLES] Well, you're always talking

about being more discreet.

Okay, well, saying hello

isn't exactly straddling

your face in the cafeteria.

Okay, fine, I'll say hello next time.

Hello.

So update: I confirmed my interviews

with those East New

York high-school boys.

Eighty-five percent

of these kids' fathers

and grandfathers

have done serious time.

A bunch of them checked

life expectancy under 25.

You know, maybe I should

join you for this discussion.

No. I got this.

But are you still coming

with me to Ella's tonight?

Yes, I'm coming, although

I still don't quite understand

how all of a sudden,

you're cool with us

gallivanting in the New York streets

on a Friday night.

We're gonna be in a tiny room in

some sketchy building in Koreatown.

I hardly call that gallivanting.

[MATTHEW] Yeah, I

still think we could avoid

a lot of this stupid

sneaking-around nonsense

if we just disclose our

relationship to the university.

- You could finally move in.

- Matthew.

You know what people are gonna say.

You're a freaking Fulbright Scholar,

for God's sake.

You were well on your way

before you ever met me.

I know who I am,

and I know how I got here.

But as soon as this comes out,

people are going to think

that you're the reason.

Okay, and do you know

what's gonna happen to me?

sh*t, I'll be lucky if it doesn't

affect my getting tenure.

But bottom line, I'm

willing to risk that for you.

Sondi, I love you.

You love me.

We're in a committed relationship.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Okay, I hear you.

I do. I do.

And I promise you,

I'm almost ready to blow

up my entire life for you.

But right now I'm simply asking you

to come to karaoke with me

tonight and be the Pip to my Gladys.

- Can you do that?

- Oh, yeah. Watch.

- I've been practicing.

- Oh, really?

Shoo-doop, doo

Ooh, hey.

- Shoo-doop, doo

- Hey, we got the steps.

You don't have to wait.

Oh, it's the least I can do

for your birthday.

- What'd you think about the movie?

- I thought it was reductive.

Single woman freezes her eggs

and accidentally falls in

love with her sperm donor

at a coffee shop, blah, blah, blah.

And the whole "successful Black woman

"who has a closet full of Louboutins

and can't get a man" thing

is so played out.

Don't know about any of that,

but I have had a crush

on Ilfenesh since Baywatch.

Of course you saw the new Baywatch.

[WOMAN] Okay, uh, Hot Tea whatever,

we're-we're ready for you, okay?

[BRIAN] Take it easy on her, slugger.

Hope you have an amazing day,

Ella McFair.

I'm trying.

Hi, I'm Ella McFair

with Hot Tea Digest.

I really enjoyed you in the film.

I guess I wanna start by asking,

do you think that we're promoting

a little bit of hysteria

with all this talk

about egg freezing and sperm stealing?

For centuries, women have been ashamed

to discuss fertility at all.

I think by bringing these

conversations into the open,

we allow women to see

that they have options.

Totally get that.

But don't you think that the film

is reinforcing the notion

that Black women who are ambitious

are incapable of finding love?

Can I ask how old you are?

Thirty-two today, actually.

Happy birthday!

But do you know there are women

our age who are perimenopausal?

I met one who only had five eggs left.

When it comes to our bodies,

we can't just close our

eyes and hope for the best.

We have to be able to step back

and take an honest look

at the state of Black women.



Am I in a state?

Like, right now or generally?

I mean are Black women in a state?

Is there a state of Black women?

Well, I'm trying to be

in a state of relaxation,

and you're k*lling my vibe.

Are you guys thinking

about freezing your eggs?

You know I don't want kids.

And plus, that sh*t costs

a billion dollars.

Yeah, I plan on making babies

the old-fashioned way,

- by f*cking.

- [LAUGHTER]

- What if you can't?

- I'm not worried about it.

My grandma had my mom

when she was, like, 40.

That's my timeline. I am in no rush.

You know Ola plays with strangers' kids

in grocery stores, right?

[ELLA] And remember a few weeks ago

when we spent an entire day

assuring you that having

cold feet is totally normal

and you're definitely gonna marry

Ola because he's the love of your life

and thinks the sun rises

inside your as*h*le?

We're still there, right?

We are.

Obviously, I was struggling

with some premarital jitters,

which have since subsided.

So I'd appreciate it

if we could all move on

like it never happened.

That said, getting married

does not mean kids

are immediately next.

Are we old? I feel old.

I'm not old.

I mean, y'all can be old

if you want to, but

[LAUGHS] I'm not signing up for that.

It's my birthday,

and we're talking

about delayed fertility.

No, you're talking

about delayed fertility.

We are trying to relax.

I'm just saying, I want my life romcom

to be about the guy who

follows you around the world,

not the cryo center

that stores his sperm.

Can you keep the sperm talk down?

'Cause we have an audience.

Girl, ain't nobody thinking about them.

- Sperm!

- [LAUGHTER]

Okay, Ella, stop birthday freaking out.

It is beneath you.

Happy birthday. I love you.

- You are not old.

- Your eggs are.

Shut up, Renee.

[GLASSES CLINK]

Happy birthday, Ella. Cheers.

[MAN] Happy birthday. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]



It's a bit claustro, isn't it?

I mean, we used to do karaoke in bars

where everybody could see you.

That's why you only

invited your white friends,

'cause the blacks, they

all had hidden singing skills.

When your little friends coming?

[SIGHS] I don't know.

[BUTTONS BEEPING]

["OOO LA LA LA" PLAYING]

Oh, oh!

Now I'ma show you. Let-let me do this.

Move out the way. Move out the way.

Let's go. Watch and learn.

Yeah, that long buildup.

Come on. Here we go.

Every time you come around

I feel my world

Starts turning topsy-turvy

And I just can't fight The spin

Baby, won't you listen

Hey!

Oh, thank God!

I thought no one was gonna show up.

What?

And I don't know Where to begin

Whoo! Come on.

Barb.

- Hey, what's up, girl?

- What's up, girl?

What's up, girl?

All right, all right, bye. Thank you.

- She's living her best life.

- She is.

Got me singing

- Hey, happy birthday!

- Hey!

Happy birthday!



Ooo, la, la, la

[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.

You guys look so good.

Ooo, la, la, la, la

La, la, la-la-la-la

What is happening?

- Uh, we got next.

- [LAUGHS]

- Kelly Rowland is in the house.

- She's here. She's here.

This generation really does

have something wrong with it.

I love you

Ow!

I need you

Nelly, I love you

I do need you

[OLA] Uh, check it, check it, uh

No matter what I do

All I think about is you

- Thank you for coming.

- Oh, you're welcome.

I just want the record to show

that I love you enough

to go below 110th on a Friday night

and go to my first

karaoke party since 2002.

And I just want the record to show

that in 2002, I was 14.

Oh, come on, you're k*lling me

with this sh*t.

I like your steez your style

Your whole demeanor

The way you come

through and holla

[LAUGHS]

That's gangsta

And I got special ways to thank ya

Don't you forget it but, uh

It ain't that easy for you

To pack up and leave him but, uh

You and dirty got ties

for different reasons

I respect that and

right before I turn

To leave, she said

You don't know what you mean to me

No matter what I do

- That's incredible.

- Yeah.

Who's gonna follow that?

Honey, check it out

You got me mesmerized

With your black hair

and your fat-a*s thighs

Street poetry is my everyday

But yo, I gotta stop

When you trot my way

If I was working at

The club, you would not pay

Ey, yo, my man Phife Diggy,

He got something to say

I like 'em brown, yellow

Puerto Rican, or Haitian

Name is Phife Dawg

from the Zulu Nation

Told you in the jam

that we could get down

Now let's knock the boots

Like the group H-Town

You got BBD

All on your bedroom wall

But I'm above the rim

- What is he doing here?

- I invited him.

What were you thinking?

I was thinking I'm newly

single and could use some sex.

And since I've already

f*cked him, it's economical.

[LAUGHS] Keeping my body count down.

[LAUGHS] I never forget a face.

You, uh you Eagles, right?

Uh, yeah, yeah, man. Black love.

- Hey.

- [LAUGHS]

Small world, man.

Yeah, too small.



[LAUGHTER]

Um

I f*cked that guy.

You f*cked what?

I f*cked that community peen guy

after the Soulja Boy party.

Well, don't look at me like that.

I'm sorry.

I don't even know what look I'm making.

I lost control of my face.

Well, I don't need your judgment

'cause I already feel

like a piece of sh*t.

So what do you want me to do?

[SIGHS] I don't

I'm sorry. It's your birthday.

I shouldn't have told you.

Probably not tonight, no.

[SIGHS]

[INHALES SHARPLY]

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

You're a part of me

And you don't even know it

I'm what you need

But I'm too afraid to show it

If I were your woman

If I were your woman

So how you been?

Hi

- Chris.

- Chris. Right.

You remember me.

Uh

um, that never should

have happened, so

forget you ever met me, I beg of you.

[OLA] This one goes out

to my beautiful fiancée,

the Kelly to my Nelly.

["PROTOTYPE" PLAYING]

Whitney, baby,

I knew from the moment I met you

that if I ever got you,

I'd never let you go.

Oh, God, what a sap.

I hope that you're the one



If not

You are the prototype



And we'll tiptoe to the sun

Yeah

And do things

I know you like

I think I'm in love

Again

Come on, let me see them hands, y'all.



[ELLA] Ow!



You are the prototype

Do something out of the ordinary

Like a matinee, baby

Don't walk away, boy

Go ahead, baby.

Yeah, we see you. We see you.

- Yeah!

- Yeah!



Don't walk away, boy

I'll be right there For you

Let's do Ace of Base.

- [RENEE] No Ace of Base.

- [LAUGHTER]

Hey, thank you for inviting me to this.

I actually had a lot of fun.

No, you guys can't leave yet.

Yes, boo.

It's sleepy time.

- So much fun.

- So fun.

Anderson?

Good to see you. What's up?

[MATTHEW] What's good, bro?

- [ANDERSON] Y'all heading out?

- Yeah, yeah.

- They're still in there, though.

- A'ight, bet.

I guess I'll see you soon.

Yeah. See you soon.

Okay, I know he

couldn't have been invi

Is he supposed to be here?

No.

He's supposed to be in his

assigned seat in purgatory.

I want you to know

That I'm happy for you

I wish nothing but

The best for you both



Is she perverted like me?

Would she go down on you

In a theater?

Go, girl.

[ELLA] Does she speak eloquently

And would have your baby

I'm sure she'd make

A really excellent mother

Oh, hell, no.

Satan, what the hell

are you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood.

for you to be open wide

[OLA] Hey.

You made it. What's good?

Did you do this?

- Jesus, Ola.

- What?

[ELLA] until you died

Till you died

And you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you

Of the mess you left

When you went away

It's not fair to deny me

Of the cross I bear

That you gave to me

You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well

Things look peaceful

I'm not quite as well

I thought you should know

Did you forget about me

Mr. Duplicity?



I'm starving.

[DOOR CLATTERS OPEN]

[MAN] Hey, hey, you two.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, it's been a minute

since y'all have been here.

Now, Ella,

I hear it's your birthday.

It's over now,

but I am officially well into my 30s.

[MAN CHUCKLES]

[ELLA SIGHS]

- [MAN] There you go.

- [ELLA SIGHS]

Well, you're lucky, uh,

your boy hit me up, 'cause

that was our last plate.

Mmm!

Mmm. Oh, my God.

I love you so much right now.

Him, not you.

Mmm.

I'd like to see if I can get you

to hate me a little less.

You should have thought

about that before you left me.

Ella,

South Africa was a

great opportunity for me.

You told me seven days before you left,

a whole seven f*cking days.

I know.

And that wasn't cool.

But you were so depressed

after your publishers dropped you,

I didn't wanna make it worse.

You think what you did was better?

"Hey, I'm out tomorrow.

I'm leaving you forever."

It was a summer job. I was coming back.

So why did you stay for two years?

Because they asked me to

and I loved the work that I was doing.

And you stopped answering my calls.

What was I rushing home for?

For me.

You could have come home for me.

Ella,

what do you think I'm doing here?

[MAN] All right, all right.

Here you go, birthday girl.

[SOFT R&B MUSIC PLAYS]

Happy birthday.

Make a wish, baby.

[SINGER VOCALIZING]



[MELLOW JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS]



[WOMAN] Whoo-hoo! [GIGGLES]