01x06 - Copival

[bunniefuu]

And now, we bring you

the weekly summary

on The Carioca News, Evening Edition.

HERO CHIEF SEIZES MAFIA STOCK

AND RETURNS TO TIJUCA

After successfully seizing

an enormous amount of slot machines

from Tijuca's mafia in Campo Manso,

the withdrawn Chief Suzano

is welcomed back to his position

at the 8th PD in Rio de Janeiro

by regional Chief Ivone Cruz.

Ah!

Chief Suzano first arrived

in Tijuca only a short while ago

after making national headlines

for apprehending a top player

in the so-called Slot Machine Mafia.

Since then, the chief has been

What's bothering you, Chief?

dozens of slot machines

Wah, wah.

Yeah!

Oh my Lord, Serrote,

murdering me inside the station

is the stupidest thing.

Do you think I'm an amateur

or something, Chief Suzano?

Is that what I really look like

to you, dude?

- Oh my God.

- You think I don't know that, man?

- That's why I'm staying here with you.

- Don't k*ll me. I'm begging you, please!

Staying?

But you're a m*rder*r, aren't you?

What are you talking about, man? No way.

Well, explain to me

what this recording means then.

Let's get the loose end

we missed at the Anchovy Festival.

Leave no trace, all right?

Jeez. You thought you were the loose end?

- Yeah.

- No, man, no.

- That's about the slots, dude. The slots.

- Okay, but come on

Why did you have to put a g*n

right against my side then?

- Criminals are

- Don't sh*t your pants.

I'm sorry about that.

Forgive me.

I just wanted to get you out of there.

Assume I believe

this whole story you're weaving here.

Why didn't you say all this

when we were there?

With a bunch of mobsters around?

No, Chief, I ain't crazy.

The people there,

who had cherries stitched on them, right?

Do you guys copy?

We got pigs here.

Let's call it!

We've gotta bounce right now!

- But, man, so young to be a criminal. Boy.

- Sign of the times, you know?

Horrible thing, you gotta admit.

It just is.

And these m*therf*ckers

wanna grab me now.

Oh, really?

So I'll be safe here with you, right?

Ah, fu Listen, not for me.

For me, pfft. No, I'd enjoy the company.

But it looks pretty bad

for the district chief

to be sheltering

an actual fugitive in his office.

- You've got no concern for me, man.

- I mean, that's not it.

- You don't know my story?

- I'm fine not knowing.

- Bring out the lie detector now.

- Oh, please, no.

- No, bring it out. We need it!

- I trust whatever you say.

Chief, look, I'm only gonna talk

about this if you get it out.

So right now, find the lie detector!

When I got out of jail,

I couldn't get help

from the Jehovah's witnesses even, man.

It was the same answer

wherever I went, no.

That hurts.

I feel you should be aware,

I am not such an emotional guy, okay?

The only open door was a little offer

from the mafia to work for them.

Please no more.

Do you really think those m*therf*ckers

would wanna help me out?

Please.

Those m*therf*ckers?

Anybody? A zero like this guy?

Took everything and left me in the gutter.

Yeesh. Man, everything I owned.

I only had one option,

but it wasn't very good.

Kidnapping.

My

Wait. I'm not following.

You lost me a little bit.

You say you aren't a criminal,

but then you've turned to kidnapping.

It doesn't make a lot of sense, you know.

No, no, kidnapping those stinking slots,

you know, Chief?

Oh, okay.

I just stole and hid them,

and I was gonna return everything

when they paid what they owed.

- But they didn't like my idea, Chief.

- Yeah.

I'm just a dead man now.

Yeah, the mafia does have that habit.

They say they'll k*ll everyone,

even police chiefs,

so, you know, it happens every day.

It's nuts.

That's why I've been after you

all the while.

- Because I've got no one.

- Yeah.

Will you allow our justice system

to fail once again?

Will you just sit around

and watch it happen?

Uh, no, no, no.

No, I I trust you completely.

I believe you completely, Sese.

There's just a little something

I gotta ask.

What's this background music about, man?

Is it really all that necessary?

Yeah, sorry. I'm sorry, man.

I'm desperate, is all. I'm trying.

I brought them from Campo Manso.

I just need your signature on this page.

It's Carnival today, and I'm supposed

to catalog a bunch of these machines?

- It's the end of my shift.

- Ma'am, it's nine in the morning.

For Carnival, that's pretty late.

I can't.

I've gotta pick up my costume at Portela.

External vendor, sorry.

Sorry, can't do it, Chief.

Estevão, got any plans for Carnival?

I'd like to travel with Counselor Dani.

Here.

- I've got another 40. I'll bring them.

- Great.

Hey, have you heard that people use

their cell phones to send voice memos,

flaming fire emojis, and even nudes? Hmm?

Actually, don't.

Don't send nudes. It'll look bad.

- Hey, do I look like a psychopath?

- Yeah.

I don't just like all of her photos.

Oh, really? You don't like

every single photo of hers?

Just the ones she posted after 2011.

Oh man, these boys look like they

came out of Leblon this morning, huh?

Yeah, urinating in a public area,

drug use, and attempted bribery.

Boys, move it.

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Next time the cuffs will go

right on your dicks, you hear?

"Vaginaterian," really?

This joke should be an aggravating factor.

I love when we can book the playboys.

To me, that's

the true meaning of Carnival, Wi-Fi!

Hey, Rabecão,

do they already have a lawyer or no?

Because I know a big-time lawyer.

Hi. May I have a word with you?

- The PD's most talented inspector!

- May I have a word with you?

- Sure, come on. We can go for a walk.

- No, I feel we should go inside.

- It's about Serrote.

- No, because I'm doing some cleaning.

It's very messy. Very dusty,

so the allergies are

- No, no, it's better inside, okay?

- No.

It'll be quick.

I won't tell your mom, I promise.

No! B b because I farted!

Yeah.

And if you pressure me,

I could fart a second time.

- Fine, okay.

- Okay.

- Come here then.

- Okay.

Chief, look at what Serrote's up to here.

I don't think that's him.

There's no way he'd be so totally stupid

as to go and post a picture

with a location tagged on it.

He wouldn't do that, would he?

He'd have to be so stupid.

If he were to do a thing like that,

I mean

Serrote's in the mafia.

The mafia exterminates police chiefs.

It's the day before Carnival,

and you seem absolutely unfazed.

Aren't you afraid at all?

Well, afraid of what exactly?

If I get a hangover?

No? Okay.

Big holidays, around the office

- Don't you know?

- Hm-mmm.

The mafia murders chiefs

on big holidays, when their guard's down.

All Souls' Day.

01/01/1973 - 11/02/2018

Christmas. New Year's Eve.

Don't you get it? Chiefs around here

get m*rder*d on big holidays.

It's the Friday

before the biggest one of the year.

The enemy has more chances than ever.

Whoo!

Hey!

Whoa, party on, people.

Yeah! Ooh!

One moment, everybody. I'd like a word.

Whoo!

Oh my. That's fine.

- Yeah!

- Oh, such joy here.

My friends of the 8th,

I have a little something to share,

some important news to share with you.

Uh, we were asked to be on duty

for Carnival. I know, awful.

- No!

- What?!

- Yeah!

- No!

Alexa, stop the music!

Thanks, princess.

Look, I can't even call in sick now.

I mean, we need notice!

Yeah, I'm outraged too, you know?

It's perplexing.

My jaw seriously dropped

all the way to the floor. I'm shocked.

I just wanna find the person who did this

and smash their face like this. Look.

I'll phone up Ms. Ivone.

She'll have an explanation for all this.

Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

No, it's my responsibility. I've got you.

There's no need. I called her.

She's on speakerphone.

- Estevão

- Spit it out.

How are you, Ivone?

Uh, I'm sorry to call and, uh, bother you.

I would like to ask you about something.

Do we really have to be

on duty for Carnival?

Well, my dear, it was Suzano's idea,

and he's the chief.

- Ha! Brilliant, way to go.

- Come on, Chief!

Look, guys, here's the deal.

I was made aware of the fact the mafia

The mafia?

They attack during big holidays,

and it's Carnival, so the biggest holiday.

What am I doing? Here? The mafia?

No way, not here.

I'm protecting the team! The team!

Chief, it's all cool for us.

The mafia only murders

the guys at the top, huh?

"It's all cool for us."

"The mafia only murders the guys

at the top, huh?"

I mean come on, really.

For days, I've been sleeping

on this hard couch here, you know?

Jeopardizing my lower back,

saving lives every day!

Any empathy?

- Yeah, they really take advantage, man.

- I appreciate you noticing.

- Hey.

- Hmm?

- Hold this. Relax a bit.

- Yeah.

I'll see you in a minute.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Where do you think you're going?

- I gotta drain the snake. Wanna come?

- Now, don't even pretend.

After you took that selfie at the bakery,

the inspector's watching you close.

I said I'm sorry, Chief. What do you want?

That really was just meant to go

to the group chat with my best friends.

How was I supposed to know

they updated the app?

It doesn't matter,

'cause you're not going anywhere, hear?

Come again, Suzano?

I say it with the utmost respect, sir.

Here!

Use this soda bottle. Mmm.

It's fine. I'll forgive it today,

because obviously you're upset here.

True. Things are tough around here.

- Want advice, Chief?

- Always helpful, yeah.

You give with one hand

and sh**t with the other

- Don't think that's the customary saying.

- It is in jail.

- But wait a sec!

- Ah!

Sorry, bud.

I believe that I have an idea.

That's good.

Carnapol!

Hello!

Hello! Pleased to meet you there.

They call me Paçoca the Clown.

And I'm a close friend of Chief Suzano.

He told me that he was so very moved today

by the enthusiasm

shown by our dear friend Rabecão,

and that put him to thinking

and thinking and thinking and thinking

How might he find a solution

that everyone on the team likes?

How about strolling into a mafia den

without a weapon?

Jeez, that's rude.

Not exactly what I had in mind.

Actually, I figured it could be fun

to maybe hold on to our shifts

and celebrate the festivities

at the same time.

That's fun, right? Here at the 8th PD!

Yes, guys! It's a great idea!

Then we can help protect

everyone's lives here, okay?

Maybe some music to brighten the mood?

Yeah, music. Let me check my playlist.

This one's pretty cheerful, yeah? Look.

Mmm.

This song is awesome,

and I haven't heard it

since my grandma was in grade school.

A bit of gospel.

You know I like that, sir.

Ah, Zuleide, because you're happy

about the song, how about this?

Maybe to make it nicer, how about making

a little sort of snack plate for folks?

So in addition to cleaning up around here,

you want me to turn into a chef and cook

for all these miscreants, huh? Is that it?

You look at me and imagine that I can

materialize hors d'oeuvres

out of thin air.

Jeez, how rude.

Guys! Guys, it's not over yet!

Wait a minute. Look!

CONFISCATED GOODS

I got all these costumes to try on

from the Robbed and Found.

I took it from there.

I got this nose from there too.

That's for your an*s.

- No, it's a clown nose.

- It's an a**l plug.

A butt plug was in the seizure box, so

Why would someone have Got it. Got it.

Sanitizer! Sanitizer! Sanitizer!

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

No, it's Super Pardal!

- I'll save you, Chief. Don't worry.

- Oh yeah! That's the spirit, huh?

This guy here

knows how to enjoy himself, right?

He's a first-class superhero.

He has fun and fights crime

at the same time.

I'd like to show you my costume

for this year's Carnival.

I've dressed up as an inspector.

And now, I'll go and get Serrote

and do my job, huh? Good?

See you. Hope you all have a nice time,

'cause I have to go and actually work.

Can we get this over with quickly?

I'd prefer to go

and enjoy the festivities.

Your clients had suspicious objects

on their persons.

Wow, a bike horn.

And what's inside

of this simple bike horn?

- The devil's herb, I think. Check it out.

- No, please go ahead.

Please.

So how come it's silent?

Why?

Man, is she Wednesday?

I think I'm in love, dude.

I mean, you have nothing to lose,

so why don't you just go all-in

and ask the woman to go out with you?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I've got you. You've gotta be cool.

I'll work out a habeas corpus

for you and the counselor, bro.

Just trust me to do the talking.

You missed a spot.

8TH PRECINC

This is ridiculous.

I need a costume

if I'm gonna be locked up here.

Guerra, what is this?

I'm being a police officer, a sexy one.

- Hmm.

- Which is what I am anyway.

- Come on here.

- Hmm?

Just come here.

How'd you like somethin' blessed to drink?

All of a sudden you're Scheherazade.

You hand over a fiver,

and you're off, huh?

- But it's, uh

- It's blessed, yes, my friend.

- blessed?

- It's good stuff. Give it. Come on!

Very, very good.

Have fun at the party, hun.

Gotta make another. Let's go.

I bless you, little juice,

in the name of the Lord.

In the name of the Lord,

I bless you, my child.

It's blessed.

Oh my Lord.

I'm screwed.

This place is disgusting.

Talk about a pig.

Oh God.

Man, this is humiliating.

Oh.

Oh.

Ow.

I'll grab some stuff with some color!

I'm loving this day today.

Hoo-hoo!

Ah, these guys are always fun.

Oh, Zuleide.

You said you wouldn't help,

but you made brigadeiro, you silly.

Yeah, brigadeiro,

just how I like it.

I'll take a little.

You know, it's just irresistible.

I can't say no. Mmm.

Oh man.

You can't have just one, though, can you?

You have one, then you have another. Mmm.

But why not have three?

If you had two, it's no problem, right?

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Odd numbers, though, you gotta watch out.

But four is good. Mmm.

Four is good.

Where's the door?

Where's the door?

sh*t. I can't see.

What the f*ck?

Hmm?

- Hmm. Hmm.

- Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm? Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

- Hmm.

- Hmm.

- Hmm.

- Mmm. Mmm.

- Mmm. Hmm?

- Hmm.

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

Hmm?

Wha wha what the

Hm-mmm.

What's going on?

Zuleide's juice really packs a punch.

Ow.

Whoo!

Hey, come on, rookie! You're a mummy!

That doesn't mean you're dead though.

Ah. Why you crying, butterflies?

8TH PRECINC

This year's first-place prize

for the Seizure and Arts awards

SPACE BRIGADEIROS

R$ 5.00

I know it's gonna be mine.

You're gonna cry, you pothead playboys.

Serrotinho, do you want some briga

Where could he have gone to?

PROHIBITED

Get in here, idiot!

Huh?

I said pee in the bottle

and don't leave, didn't I?

Stay in the office.

You're grounded from now on, okay?

I'm not gonna debate this.

Seems the juice is working its magic, huh?

I've gotta sleep it off. Hmm.

Wow!

My God my hands are enormous!

Oh.

Ah.

Oh.

Mantovani.

Beautiful woman.

Suzano.

Mantovani.

Chief

Manto

- Whoo!

- Little bird

I'm flying, Mantovani.

Ah, I'm a parakeet! Look!

I'm a parakeet! Look!

I'm flying, Mantovani.

Hey, Manto Mantovani, where did you go?

Mantovani? Mantovani?

Where's Mantovani?

Mantovani's doing an inquiry right now.

How you feeling, sir?

Yeah. Good, yeah. So good.

Yeah, super fine. Super fine.

Whee! I'm just great.

Whoa! Whoa! No, no!

Yeah, great, no, super. Whoo!

I'm super. I'm just fine.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Guerra. Guerra,

let me tell you something real quick.

I have an idea

and you're positively gonna love it, yeah?

Today, I'm in. I'm in. I'm in, yeah.

We'll gather the team,

and there's a cell in the hall

that's not in use.

We'll have some fun, sure.

Maybe leave out Super Grandpa,

because he likes to be hit and I'm gonna

No, that's not the idea.

That's not the idea.

The idea's to make this

a party with some life,

call some friends,

bring some musical instruments

Hey, hey!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, joy and peace to everyone!

Oh, my cell's ringing. I've gotta check

Oh.

Hello! Hi! You've reached

the mailbox of Chief Suzano.

- He can't come to the phone now.

- You're a bad liar.

Ah, hey, Inspector! How you been?

You at the party? You're dressed

as a ballerina today, right?

What are you talking about, Chief?

I went looking for Serrote.

What party?

Uh, uh, parking's what I said.

Not party, no. I said parking.

You'll find Serrote in the streets,

where the cars are parked.

He's not here at the precinct. No way.

But if he shows, I'll certainly call.

Everything's cool here.

So cool. I mean, so cool.

Oh, I'm so happy to hear,

'cause Ms. Ivone's dropping by today,

so you should turn that little radio off.

Guys, guys, guys! We're toast!

Police on the way!

8TH PRECINC

So you're saying

all these police officers at the precinct

gave up their day off to work on Carnival?

You heard me.

That's how it is here.

No Carnival, only serving you.

Cut it.

That's your scoop, honey. Let's go.

Regional Chief Ivone Cruz!

Boy, it's so great to see you!

I'm just so happy you're here.

Apologies about the whole mess

in the office. It's just

these slot machines, I tell you

I really need to do some feng shui,

because I wanna

I'm trying to make things better

for us around here.

But you're, of course, very welcome!

- Where's the team?

- Ah, the team, huh?

Uh-huh.

Ah!

The team is in the streets.

No, not living in the streets, of course.

They're working in the streets.

Working very hard, our team. Yeah, very

Maybe you'd be interested in seeing them.

I'm not telling you to go,

but you might wanna see

Chief Suzano, how are you feeling?

I'm good!

- And you? Feeling fine?

- Yeah, thanks.

Oh, pretty thing. You good?

You good, dude? How are you? Cool.

- And you, Buddy, how are you?

- So good.

And Pedro Henrique? Pedro Henrique,

who isn't Buddy. How are you?

Okay.

- Please, listen

- No.

- Here.

- I'll hold it.

Yeah. I suppose it's pretty obvious

Suzano is so very thoughtful.

He has a certain cheerfulness

that he brings to police work, which,

of course, is such a stressful profession.

You can cut.

Exactly. But now I think you should leave,

because the work is about to begin

in this office, you know?

The party's off that way, outside party.

- Here though, labor!

- The party?

Sh!

- Listen you.

- Mm-hmm.

Some advice here.

- Embrace your insignificance.

- Yep.

'Cause if there's one thing

I'm not gonna miss,

is an opportunity to show all my features

for Mirante Carioca News. So, pssh.

Shut up.

So now, we're all gonna have

a complete tour of the 8th precinct.

Let's get started with the room

where the seized property goes.

Ah!

This is gonna go south very quickly.

You have a wonderful tour guide with you.

I'm actually certified in Campo Manso.

Few folks know this, but it's actually

one of the top tourist destinations

to the north of our city.

That's the truth.

- Very neat.

- Uh, please turn right.

Sh! Sh!

Uh, recalculating route.

Please turn left, if you will.

Come with me.

Don't turn right. Don't turn right.

Please watch out. There are

lots of k*ller slot machines here,

and you might stub your toe.

And then man, it hurts!

Man, it hurts! I did it myself, not funny.

Hey, police are being reported

in the area!

Go, go, go, go.

So, guys,

this here is the Hallway of Glory.

I usually call it the Hallway of Death,

because there are only dead folks.

The whole gallery is dead.

This one, for instance,

they wrapped him up in plastic wrap

and they buried him inside of a shoebox,

size six. It was so sad really.

But now we can go back to a happier place,

where they aren't so dead.

It's pretty sad here.

- Let's get inside. Let's go. Let's go.

- Come on in.

- Come on, guys. Be my guest. Get in here.

- Come on in, please.

- Come on in, guys.

- Take your places around here.

Darlings, this room right here Film this.

This here's the seizure room

dedicated to the officers

who have kept our community safe.

Chief Suzano,

would you do the honors for us?

Yes, sure, I would.

I'd just like to say that this is likely

the result of an erroneous seizure,

maybe from a child's party

or something like that? I don't know.

Sure, a kid that goes to get

Visine in bulk and pays taxes.

But look, guys, this

this is clearly

the famous Briga-weed-o.

Look there. Briga-weed-o, yeah.

It's got a funny name,

but it can ruin you.

God forbid, watch out.

By the way, I know a few cases

of people eating a little

and never returning to normal.

- See?

- Ooh.

The important thing is

that the people feel secure in the city.

Sorry, chief, one thing. Your dog

ran off again, somewhere, you know?

What if he eats some special candy?

- I feel that'd be a serious problem.

- Darling, you don't have to worry.

PH is a dog. He's not stupid enough

to eat Briga-weed-o.

It's not stupid.

- PH!

- Sorry, Chief, one second.

- What if it's an accident?

- Adorable, look. He wants the ball.

Is that what you want, honey?

- Well, no fear, mommy's here, okay?

- No, I'll open it!

- Ow, my nail! Man, you broke it.

- No, no, I'll open it.

Because we store a lot in here.

It's just our little junk room, you know?

It's where we put some really serious

some really dangerous stuff.

I don't want anyone to see

what a mess we made of it, you know?

It's serious, mysterious stuff, so

- Oh, hey, I found it!

- Oh, perfect.

- Here's the ball, little guy!

- Look, the ball!

- Where is it, Pedro Henrique?

- Where's the ball?

You go, Pedro Henrique!

Look, he's so fast.

My word, look at him go. He's quick.

He should be running marathons, right?

- That's very true.

- So fast! A real athlete!

Of course, he's gotta keep pace

with this vision

that we're all blessed to see here

Ow! Don't push, guys!

- some rest to stay beautiful?

- I'm fine.

This tour is pretty long

and I think you ought to

Surprise, guys!

Is this a party for Carnival?

Suzano, you've gotta stop

humiliating me on live TV, huh?

Boy, I'm underdressed.

A Carnival party and I seem

to have forgotten my usual little costume

with the gold and pearls, and

- Swarovski!

- Swarovski, yeah!

Very nice.

Police have a good time too.

You know, they do!

I'm always saying, Dagmara,

our best stories are made with a

a beginning, middle, and gin.

Mmm, that's right. Look!

This is psst!

Man, this is important.

Police work is joyous.

Police work's not about death.

- No to the cross, yes to the star, okay?

- Whoo!

Police are all about life and love and

Hello, mafia.

While I've got you here with me

Hello? Hello?

Mafia, I'll tell you something.

You want to k*ll me, huh?

You keep saying I'm a fat a*s.

Well, come here for a free taste

of what my a*s can do surrounded by cops.

I'm here! Right here!

Come and find my fat a*s!

Come and find my a*s!

Focus in. Get my a*s here.

Take that fat a*s here!

Take it! Take it! Take it!

- Come on, Buddy! Spank me, Buddy.

- Okay!

- We've got the party going!

- Yeah! Whoo!

Guys, let's make out!

Watch out, Chief!

It's over now, Serrote!

Wi-Fi?

Inspector, what the hell? Why Serrote?

Sir, the room was just feeling

too claustrophobic,

and the bottle wasn't gonna work,

so I left and put the key back.

Yeah, sure, sure.

I thought for sure he was Serrote.

Uh

Oh no, Inspector.

For the love of God, Inspector!

It's pretty obvious that's a fake profile.

Serrote here with all of us?

No way! You gotta relax!

Enjoy the party! Enjoy the party!

Music! Come on!

Let's cheer up! Let's go. Let's go!

- Gosh, Inspector.

- Man, my bad, dude.

It's Carnival. It's okay.

Serrote? Serrote? Serr

My God, just

Ooh. Hey, have you seen Serrote

You guys are missing an amazing party,

an incredible party.

But I bet all of you are in a fancy place.

You never know.

But I'm looking for Serrote. He's missing.

It's a shame y'all aren't here anymore.

Sese!

You're here!

I've gotta make sure though.

Oh, I've missed you, my friend!

Be my best friend forever,

Serrote, please?

- Forever? With you?

- Huh? Yeah.

- No way I can be friends with you.

- But why not, man? We're buddies.

- Your behavior is so messed up, man.

- What do you want? You have to go, right?

- You're free to do it here.

- It's not about having to pee.

- Do you know what you've done?

- I don't.

You showed your big butt on television

to the mafia, man!

I can't be here for it.

I'm not gonna be here

to see the sh*t hit the fan,

because they're coming for you.

They want you.

So now you gotta watch your back.

- I'm out.

- Sese.

Sh!

No!

Not you. You're already dead.