01x04 - The Middle

[bunniefuu]

What took you so long?

Sorry. I didn't see your text.

I mean, it's just gone 7am.

No time for excuses.
Need you to run the bar today.

Run the bar? Why?

Look Will, I might not like
you in the traditional sense of like

enjoying your presence or whatever.

We need to unite
against our common enemy.

- I don't have any enemies.
- Jonah.

- Go on.
- It's like Jonah knows every time

Eddie is feeling vulnerable,
he just swoops in

like a gross, manipulative
Birkenstock-wearing crow.

It always works. Eddie's spent every night
this week at his.

- Well, if that's what she wants...
- No, dummy.

We would be terrible friends,
if we just sat back and let this happen.

Jonah's not f*cking around this time.

Before we know it,
they'll be married, living in Peckham

with the worst toddler
you have ever met.

OK. But why does that mean
I have to run the bar?

Because Eddie needs
to get away from Wet Mouth,

get away from London
and Jonah's greasy prayer beads.

- Can you run the bar or not?
- Ah... actually...

My brother's over from Australia
for the first time in five years

and he just has these two days
in London for us to catch up and...

Yeah. I'm sure he'd love to hang out here.

- OK, great.
- I'm... I'm... I'll just...

...cancel some bookings.

[upbeat music]

[phone vibrates]

- [he sighs]
- What?

We're greeting a new day together, Eddie.

- Stay present.
- You've checked your stupid crypto app

- four times since we woke up.
- But that's important.

I don't feel it's healthy for Maggie
to have access to you at all times.

Is that fair for her
to just take, take take?

She sent me a photo
of a dog eating fondue.

Sure, it's a dog eating fondue now,
but next it'll be,

"Help me, Eddie. I need you, Eddie."

- [she scoffs]
- [phone vibrates]

I... I just don't get why
Maggie bothers you so much.

I see a future for us.

A wedding in that Italian village,
Lasaclazone.

Two attractive and quiet children.

But we can't move forward
if you're being held back.

- When did I agree to...
- Spoken with my money boys.

- Your what?
- About the bar, we could own it together.

Power of the capital.

I'm ready for this, for us.

Sure, I've been a...

...vagabond pirate
on the sea of life thus far.

But I want to drop anchor,
and I want to drop it

with you.

[phone vibrates]

But...

It'll mean both of us making some changes.

Committing, Eddie.
Stepping into the future together.

We've fiddled with each other's
heartstrings for long enough.

- Eddie.
- Yeah, I'll be back.

But my gorgeous speech.

- Yes, I, erm, agree.
- You agree?

Yeah, commitment.
Why not? I'll see you later.

- What are you doing?
- Come on. We gotta go.

Train to Godling's in half an hour.
I thought you'd be quicker.

You texted 15 minutes ago.

- What train?
- Just hurry up.

Is this a manic episode?
What should I do again?

Should I sit on you?
I have to call your mum.

Look, I'm not manic.
I am rammed full of delicious lithium.

- But you said...
- Look, Eddie,

- do you know what today is?
- Anniversary of the first time

- your dad called you fat.
- That's in November. Today is Ostara.

Oh God, your weird Sussex witch thing.

Pagan thing. Do not call them
witches. They will not Like that.

No, I'm not going with you.

Ostara's a festival of rebirth
and we desperately need rebirthing.

Toad says we can stay
if we miss the last train.

But the bar. Klent's taken off.

Will's taking care of it.
No time to argue.

Do you know how expensive
train tickets are?

Those videos of Jeremy Corbyn
on the floor made no difference at all.

- Maggie, I...
- Get to the yes quicker.

Will's asking how much
wine should be in a wine.

- Why'd you leave him in charge?
- It's on you for giving Klent a week off

for a Croatian vapourware festival,
whatever that is.

Now, less texting...

- ...more tequila, please.
- I don't want to drink today.

You have to. Day drinking
is the whole point of Paganism.

Jonah's got me on gut health smoothies.
They're f*cking up my stomach.

- Nothing says love like a laxative.
- They're good for my microbiome, Maggie.

Oi, oi, saveloys.

Toad! [screams] Come here!

Look at this. Eddie Rushden
outside of East London.

Do my eyes deceive me?

- I didn't have much choice.
- Yay.

We could really do with some Pagan magic.

Well, blessed bloody be, b*tches.

You're more than welcome.
Right, let's get going.

That tr*mp, Danielle, will kick off
given half a chance.

Nice gilet, dickhead.
She's in the rival drum g*ng.

- Drum g*ng?
- It was our idea to start the drum g*ng.

We didn't let Danielle in
cos she's a f*cking snake

who took Big Lilly's son's place
at Leaping Leopards nursery,

they started their own, The Hoppers.

They dress like slags.
It's f*cking inappropriate.

Why is a Pagan festival handing out eggs?

Ostara is what the Christians
nicked Easter from.

It's all about the birth of spring
and fertility and that,

then the Christians added
that weird crucifix sh*t.

Christ.

There's a child dressed as
some kind of green demon.

[Toad laughs] That's Ostara, baby.

Lily T lost our headdresses

in that hair straightener fire
she had at Christmas,

so we've gotta make new ones.

Finally! Hurry up then.

- [laughter]
- Come here!

Girls. Girls, this is Eddie. Eddie,
this is my drum g*ng, The Wenches.

We've got Amy, Sasha, Amy,
Lily, Lilian, Big Lilly.

That's Vic. We've got Lily.
Wait, where's Lily?

Her kid's got meningitis again
or something like that.

- He's always got something...
- I'll just be a sec.

No, you can't run away yet.

I just need to call Will.

Ugh.

I called you twice.

Is Maggie's emergency
an actual emergency?

Erm... Define emergency.

[knock on window]
JONAH: Bloodshed.

It's a Pagan festival in East Sussex.
It could be a Wicker Man situation.

You left me, when I was generously sharing
my vision for our future,

to go to a party?

- Maggie tricked me.
- Eddie, I've offered you a lot of money

to save your business
so we can make a life together.

This is big girl stuff.

I thought you were a big girl?

I am. Wait.

We're literally circulating
the paperwork now,

prepping to sign off on the investment.
But hey, you go have fun.

I'm not having fun. I'm serious, focused.
I'll be at the end of the phone all day.

Any questions,
anything you need, just call me,

I'll answer straight away.

- All day.
- Yes, all day.

[sighs]

I have brought you a nice dress.
You can't be a grunger at Ostara.

Can't put into words how much
I don't have time for this today.

We're here now, so.

You want me making
flower crowns like I'm in year two

when my real life business needs me.

I know, but all you've done for your
actual real life business

is listen to Lana Del Rey and bone Jonah.

- [she sighs, bed squelches]
- What the f*ck?

Is that a waterbed?
I've never seen one in real life before.

Oh, stop jiggling it.
This is a crime against nature.

No, actually I like it.
Maybe I should get one.

Ooh.

There's the gut health smoothie.

We also don't have to stay over.

- There's a late train back.
- Hm.

That stupid f*ck Lilian glued
her fingers to her lash extensions.

Sasha's taken her to A&E.

- Jesus.
- Yeah.

So we're two Wenches down.

Oh no, no.
Toad, Eddie and I would love to fill in,

- but neither of us drum.
- Neither do we.

We're meant to practise
but get pissed instead.

I'm not that sort of show-offy person.

No offence, but my Instagram's private.

I hid in the lost property bin
to avoid doing the nativity.

Girls, we have made the official line-up
for the first time ever this year

unlike like those rank Hoppers.

We need the numbers.

f*ck it.

Let's Wench.

♪ Yeah, I'm going harder
Than a genius going stupid ♪

♪ Stop trying to break me, doofus ♪

♪ I'm stronger than 100 bazookas
In the hand ♪

♪ There's some shooters
or verrucas ♪

Mike's so dramatic when
he's on his own with the kids.

He called me in tears last week
because one of them ate a daisy.

No parent's able to tell me one
good thing about parenting, honestly.

- They'll look after you when you're old.
- Like f*ck they will.

That's a lie peddled by Mothercare

and the IVF industrial complex.

- Mothercare shut down.
- It's not for me.

Me neither. Eddie?

- Hm?
- Do you want kids?

- Er... Yeah.
- Do you?

- Yeah.
- You have never said that before.

I wasn't sure, but I do.

When Anya asked you to hold Mercury,

you said you had bartender's elbow,

- which is not a real thing.
- Maggie. I want kids, OK?

You don't get to decide if I do or don't.

- I know.
- You've come to the right festival, babe.

Ostara's all about fertility.
All you need to do is catch a sacred leaf

thrown into the crowd
by the god and goddess.

- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be...
- It's cool.

I was just...

I just didn't know that. I wasn't being...

I'm just really stressed at the minute.

Look, I know. Look, look at me.

I need you to trust me today.

Let me show you a good time.
Let me be the captain

of the party boat
and I swear to you now,

if you come to me at the end

and say you didn't have any fun,

I will never ask to captain
the party boat again.

- I'm just not in the mood.
- Pretend!

Pretend to have a good time.

If you do it for long enough
it'll become real.

Trust me, I've been doing it for years.

What are you doing?

[silly voice] Weed gummies for the lady.

Oh.

- f*ck me, these are welded in.
- Here, take this.

OK. Thank you.

EDDIE: God, it's like they've put
a child lock on these.

Ooo.

[giggling]

Good?
TOAD: Come on, girls.

- We've got Pagan sh*t to do.
- Take these. Give me my phone.

Let's go.

[folky music plays]

[chatter, music]

BOTH: Anya?
- You all right?

What the f*ck are you doing here?

I'm the High Priestess of the Order
of Gaia, Peckham chapter.

Do you want a fly?
They're made of liquorice.

[mumbling agreement]

BOTH: Mmm.

[mystical music]

May your day be filled with blessings,

like the sun that lights the sky.

And may you always
have the courage to spread your wings...

and fly.

[twinkly mystical music]

I think I just met God.

I swear that's my old driving instructor.

- [horn sounds]
- sh*t, it's sacred leaf time already.

Shove Lily to the front.
She's on her second round of IVF.

WOMAN: Come on, girls.

[cheering]

[giggling]

Oh, my God,
those were some powerful gummies.

Thanks for dragging me here.
It's f*cking cool.

You never see wizards in London.

Oh God. It's that demon child again.

Kids in fancy dress are freaky.
Shouldn't be allowed.

[cheering]

Oh!

Oh, that is a lot of fertility leaves.

Well, I'm 33. f*ck knows
what's going on in there.

It's probably all echoey and dusty,
like a haunted attic.

You're thinking you wanna have kids soon?

With Jonah.

I know, you don't like him.

No, it's not about me not liking him.

If he was a good person
who made you happy,

I'd just fake it and pretend
to be interested

when we talk about Burning Man.

But...

he doesn't deserve you, Eddie.

He's controlling and patronising
and manipulative

and it's like he just doesn't care
that his natural deodorant doesn't work.

And you are perfect.
The most perfect, special angel girl.

You deserve to be
with someone like Harry Styles.

Jonah. He's...

He's not even Liam Payne.

He's offered to buy Jay's half of the bar.

Oh. Wow.

And I can't lose Wet Mouth.
It's my whole f*cking life.

So I just... I need you
to back whatever decision I make.

Although Jonah hasn't replied
to my last five texts, so...

Maybe he changed his mind.

Girls. We're on in five minutes. Hurry up.

Come on.

[whistle blows]

Maybe we're secretly amazing drummers.

I think I know why Jonah
never texted you back.

- What?
- I said,

"I know why Jonah hasn't text you back."

Girls 12 o'clock. The Hoppers are here.

- What are you on about?
- Nasty little tarts.

What are they doing?

- Maggie.
- I blocked his number.

- You what?
- I blocked his number on your phone.

- Oi! This is our f*cking drum slot.
- You did what?

Didn't know he offered money.
I wanted to get him away.

Put those drums down
before we batter you with them.

I cannot f*cking believe this.

No, no, Eddie, wait.

Oi! Are you Maggie Donovan?

- Yes.
- I knew it.

You're the b*tch who
shagged my cousin's husband.

[scoffs] No, I live in London.
I don't know your cousin.

Alison Shaw.

- What the f*ck, James?
- I dunno.

Oh yeah, I did do that.

Hey. You know what?
You lot picked the perfect costume.

Because everyone knows rabbits
are nature's slags.

[gasps and laughter]

Oh!

[shouting]

[dramatic music]

[screams]

[grunts]

Get off!

[phone rings]

Jonah, I'm so sorry. Maggie...

It's too late, Theodora.
You've destroyed our future.

I can't trust you.

I need to protect my heart

and my financial assets. And...

WOMAN: Jonah, babe,
do you have any organic lube?

Who the f*ck is that?

You abandoned me, Theodora.

- Yeah, for like six hours.
- It felt like longer.

You know what? f*ck you and and f*ck her.

She's welcome to you
and your manipulative bullshit

and your multiple strains of HPV.

I don't need any of it.

I hope you get Ebola and die.

Oh, you f*cking want some?

Ohh.

Pigs!

What's going on here?

- Nothing.
- You appear to be strangling this lady.

Well, I'm not, am I?

Assuming you have the appropriate permits

to have this gathering here?

Son!

Mother Gaia does not issue permits
for the use of her Earth.

Our permit is the sun in the sky,
the grass beneath our feet.

The birth of spring as it happens
right in front of our eyes.

Nature cannot be policed.

So, if you come round here again
asking about permits, Gary,

you'll be back to moving trolleys around
Morrisons' car park before Bonfire Night.

Your dad still owes me 50 quid, remember?

Off you pop.

[cheering]

I told you Hoppers
to steer clear of The Wenches!

Now piss off before
I bar you from next year's festival.

TOAD: Bye!

WOMAN: f*ck off back
to the Playboy Mansion.

[mystical music]

There is so much life in you.

Uh-huh.

Thank you so much.

I genuinely thought
they were gonna m*rder me.

It was just instinct.

OK, I've got two weed gummies left.

We can go and decompress
by the druid fire altar.

You're f*cking kidding, right?

I just lost the only possibility at
saving my bar and it's all your fault.

Maggie, any time you try and help

everything goes to sh*t.

I don't need you. I don't need Jonah.

I'm the only one that can
take care of me. I just...

I just need some space, Maggie.

You all right, babe?

Come on. I'm parked behind The Tarrier.

[Nothing at All by Perfume Genius plays]

♪ Right on time ♪

♪ Set me free, don't wait ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Soul on fire ♪

♪ Baby say my name ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ You can say what you want
But I already know ♪

♪ Our body is breaking down
To a single beat ♪

Oooh no.

[sighs]

[heavy breathing]

f*cking... Pagan... magic!

Argh!

♪ I got what you want, babe ♪

♪ I got what you need, son ♪

♪ I got what you want, babe ♪

♪ I got what you need, son ♪

♪ I got what you want, babe ♪

♪ I got what you need, son ♪

♪ I got what you want, babe ♪

♪ I got what you need... ♪