01x02 - Dating Trends

[bunniefuu]

(PHONE KEYS TYPING)

- (TEXT MESSAGE TONE)

- (PHONE KEYS TYPING)

(PHONE KEYS TYPING)

- (TEXT MESSAGE TONE)

- (PHONE KEYS TYPING)

- (TEXT MESSAGE TONE)

- (PHONE NOTIFICATION TONE)

Take this quiz and we'll guess

your social security number? No.

- (PHONE NOTIFICATION TONE)

- 15 ways your period makes you a bad person.

Hm, maybe.

- (PHONE NOTIFICATION TONE)

- Are you being ghosted, girlie?

(INTENSE MUSIC)

Not replying for one minute.

Radio silence. He definitely hates you.

Oh. My. God.

I'm girlie!

- (FRANTIC KEYBOARD TYPING)

- (PLAYFUL JAZZ MUSIC)

- (TEXT MESSAGE TONES)

- Rachel, Rachel?

- Hey.

- Where've you been?

I was helping an elderly

woman cross the street.

That's why I didn't check

my phone for like, uh,

three minutes?

Okay, you were helping

her cross the street,

and then what? Kissing her on the mouth?

Why, why would I do

that? Like, that is

Where are you going?

So apparently, it's not healthy

to be constantly on your phone,

and it was only three minutes,

and I scared him, so he dumped me.

To do what? Help more old people?

Wait, he was helping an

old person cross the street?

Mhm. Yeah. Like a pervert.

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Yeah, exactly, because

he's a bad person.

Whatever, I knew he was

gonna ghost me anyways.

Oh, I hate ghosting. It's 2020.

First of all, it's rude.

Secondly, not even trendy.

You ever been ticked?

Ugh, when a guy latches on immediately.

Yes, and steals a

little bit of your blood

- for his Silicon Valley startup.

- Whoa.

Cocooned, it's when you nurse

a 29-year-old until he turns 30

- and then he sheds you like

a dead shell. - Pied Piper-ed?

That's when a guy in a woodwind ensemble

takes you back to his

lair, full of rats.

Have you ever been m*rder*d?

It's when a guy takes you on

a date and then he kills you.

- Boys will be boys. - Oh

my God, Fogo de Chao-ing.

It's when a guy invites you over

so he can watch you

eat steak for an hour.

- Rachel, that's disgusting.

- Really?

- That's where we draw the line?

- Yes, that is where I draw the line.

So, how are you feeling

about being timetabled?

- What are you talking about?

- Petey is timetabling you.

- What is that?

- It's when a guy puts you in a timetable

so he can meet more girls.

It's how Virgos do booty calls.

No, no that's not happening to me.

I don't think so. I don't

think that's happening to me.

You guys only meet on Tuesdays at three.

- (PHONE BUZZES)

- Oh.

- What's that?

- What's what?

You have a text.

Yeah I got a text,

the text is from Petey,

it's Tuesday, but I

just need you to know

it's not 3 p.m., it's 2:54 p.m.

- Hmm.

- That means that I'm right,

and you're wrong, and I'm good,

and good will prevail and, he's here.

You gotta go. You gotta go

now. Please go. Thank you.

Hey.

- Hey.

- Oh, man, I had six extra dogs today.

Dogs are so heavy.

But, uh, ah, my croissant.

No, no croissant.

- Petey?

- What's up?

I need you to be honest, okay?

Are you timetabling me?

- No, never.

- Okay, good.

Wait, what does that even mean?

Are you scheduling me in

at weird, specific times

just so you can date as

many girls as possible?

Absolutely. Is that what

you're worried about?

- You said that really fast.

- I call it KonMari-ing.

She organizes, I'm a Virgo.

- See?

- Yeah, thank you, thank you Rachel.

- Shut up. Thank you. I got it.

- Listen,

- can I be honest with you?

- Uh-huh.

I'm seeing like, seventeen

women in this state alone.

- This state?

- (ZIPPER UNZIPPING)

Check it out.

- What is this?

- So basically what I do is,

I just schedule the dates

around the dog walks.

This, this is insane.

- Do we all work in food service?

- I mean, yeah.

Who's Biscuit? Who's Bagel?

Are they dogs or are they women?

That's not an answer to that question.

Hey, look, it's not like I'm a player.

I really like you.

You know? And Kate, from the diner.

Anna, from Papa John's.

Shawna from the microbrewery.

Allison from the bakery,

like when it closes and

they throw the donuts out.

Wait, does that mean

you have a phone for me?

- Pfft, save the best for last.

- (ZIPPER UNZIPPING)

Boom (LAUGHS).

What the hell is this?

This is the thickest phone

I've ever seen in my life.

I'm saying that's indestructible

like my love for you.

- Ay yo.

- Don't smile like that.

You know I love when

you smile like that.

Petey, you have to leave. I'm sorry.

I can't do this anymore.

- What about the croissant?

- What about the croissant?

- I'm hungry.

- You're hungry?

Croissant, come to me.

You gotta go.

Look, look. I'm sorry if

I'm following my dreams

in this crazy little

city called New York City.

I mean, I thought you were

gonna be my little croissant,

but if you can't handle

that or my dreams,

then that just looks

bad on you. (SCOFFS)

- On me?

- I'm gone.

What do you mean, you're

gone? You forgot your phones.

You still at Papa John's?

All right, I'm on my way.

Hey.

Am I the bad guy here?

I do famously hate

scrappy little nobodies.

Look, dude, I just wanna say, like,

f*ck these guys. f*ck

these shitty dudes.

Like, it doesn't matter.

We have each other.

We can laugh about this stuff together.

You know what? Let's go out tonight.

Just you and me.

We can go dancing, have

a sleepover, girl's night.

(LAUGHING) Sorry, were you talking?

This guy I matched with

on Tinder three weeks ago

said he'd make me some prime

rib if he could watch me eat it.

So, I'm gonna go do that instead.

- Okay.

- What happened to the line?

- The line?

- Yeah, where you were like, "That's the line."

Oh, yeah. I'm hungry.

You don't eat meat.

But I'm hungry.

There's food here,

there's, this is food.

- But is there? You know what I mean?

- That's food, there's food there.

Rachel, Rachel. Bye.

- Is there not, is there not food here?

- (BELL DINGS)