01x01 - Double Date

[bunniefuu]

If you got the dream

Don't wait

(LAUGHS)

I'm so in love, I can't

even finish my drink.

I also can't finish my drink,

but because my paper straw got wet

and unraveled on itself.

This can't be better

for the environment.

Oh my God shut up.

Moss just texted me and

said he's on his way.

Jess said the same,

ugh, they're perfect.

I'm kind of nervous.

Last night I was playing the Sims,

and I kept accidentally

making them me and Jess

- and marrying them.

- That's terrifying.

Then I got nervous, so I put

them in separate swimming pools

and took out the ladders.

Okay, yeah.

Um, you know, the double

date is gonna be great.

And if not, it's not our fault.

'Cause I have no flaws

and neither do you.

And that's what feminism is.

Damn, that was beautiful.

- It was a good one.

- It's Gloria Steinem, right?

I'm mashing a couple quotes together.

Hey! (LAUGHS)

- Hey, what's up?

- Hey.

- Oh my God are you cold?

- No.

- Hey, I'm Rachel!

- Jess.

- I'm Ayo.

- I'm Moss.

- This is Moss.

- Nice to meet you.

Tame Impala? I love them, man.

- It's my favorite band.

- Yeah, oh my God, same.

- I just saw them at Panorama.

- I was there!

- I think I saw you.

- I've never been to a concert.

Because you're supposed to

go in groups of three or more

and none of my friends are friends.

Rachel is very polarizing,

but that's a strength I think.

- Word.

- Hey Ayo, did you clock out?

Okay, here's the deal, I work here,

but if we order now and we order fast,

I'll take care of the rest.

- Can I just get black coffee?

- That's what I was gonna get!

- Taste!

- Oh my God.

- Oh my God, that show was crazy, right?

- It was insane.

Ayo, can I see you do one thing?

- Yeah, sure.

- Can you do

Awesome, thank you, that really helped.

So I see you're a scarf fan.

- Am I?

- Okay, they're literally best friends.

I know, it's perfect.

We're gonna be couple friends!

Which will strengthen our

individual relationships

which will in turn strengthen the group

and the course of events

will only naturally lead

to us all getting married.

Swap the kids one day

'cause we're all mixed race,

they don't know who their parents are.

They can't break up with us

because if they even try

Is that a Turn of The

Elfin Century tattoo?

Yeah, it's a quote from the 12th book.

I know, it's the best one.

I can't believe you know

about that, no one ever does!

- But we do.

- Um, what's this?

Oh it's a book, it's

kind of niche though.

Ah, well I've read before

and I'll actually read again.

- Thanks.

- I got a banana bread for the table.

You know I can't eat that, right?

I'm literally allergic

to gluten and bananas.

Okay what, I'm supposed to

retain information about you?

That's literally what a relationship is.

Please, a relationship is

about pushing someone away

so they're drawn to you

until you inevitably push them

too far and they leave you forever.

Is this your close friend?

- Two allergies is a lot.

- I have two allergies.

No no, I know, tree nuts and soy.

I know all your allergies.

Your Sim had them all programmed

before I k*lled them

in the swimming pool.

- Did I say that part out loud?

- Okay, wait a minute.

You, look at me.

Look at me.

- You're settling.

- Nah.

(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Well, I just wanna say it's

great that you're getting along,

but that doesn't make us bad people.

- That's true.

- Maybe not,

- but you subtweeting Moss does.

- What?

-

- Hey!

Oh, sorry, I didn't even

realize I was doing that.

- I don't smell.

- Eh.

Hey dude, you're settling too.

Ayo's literally drinking

milk, that's weird.

Also, she works here, and hasn't

offered to get us our food for free.

- Wow.

- Okay, first of all Mr. Man,

yeah I see you with those glasses on,

you think you're so

smart. Apparently not,

I haven't clocked out.

And if I was stealing

money and stealing food,

legally that's embezzlement.

Do you ever think

about that Mr. Glasses?

- That's a crime.

- Actually,

I have a super amazing

girl I can set you up with.

Really? Me too.

- It's my sister.

- Mine's my sister, too!

- Do you wanna get out of here?

- Yeah, let's get out of here.

- Excuse me.

- Wow, wow, wow.

- Push right out.

- You're gonna like my sister,

- she's so hot.

- Oh my God,

if she looks anything like you

Okay, that sucked.

Can I just say Jess, Moss

- Bad people, mean!

- Mean!

There's good and there's evil.

There is nothing in between.

Ayo's drinking milk?

Milk is good for you.

People have tried to break my bones.

- They actually will not break.

- Mm hmm,

- mm hmm.

- You asked a very considerate question.

Oh yeah. "Are you cold?"

- And he goes, "No."

- "No."

When a woman suggests that you are cold,

- Lie, lie!

- you're a feminist.

If you are an ally to women,

- lie to their faces.

- Thank you, thank you.

I feel sick.

- You know what?

- What?

- Screw them.

- Yes.

- Hey, bartender!

- Come on.

We'll have everything, and

we'll put it on their tab.

That's not how this place works.

This is a diner.

Also Ayo, you never clocked out.

You know who else hasn't clocked out?

Racism in society

- against me.

- Okay, you're done?

- Yeah, I'm done.

- Okay.

Well, this is all coming out

of your paycheck, obviously.

Yeah no, I believe that

to be a fair punishment

- for my crime, thank you.

- Great.

I just wanna say, she's like

totally overstepping her bounds.

You need to get out, you

cannot come back here.

I'll totally go.

- Thank you.

- That's not okay.

And have a really good one.

No, you have to put that down.

- Okay.

- You have okay.