01x05 - Trivia

[bunniefuu]

Mum's finished chemo

but she's not out of the woods yet.

Maddie, what is this house?

It's Rob's house.

I didn't expect to see you

so settled.

I wasn't

your Indian Courtney Love, OK?

Is this why you f*cked off to London

without saying good-bye?

Do you miss it?

Hey!

Hi!

(GASPS)

Nothing says I'm proud of you

..like a bunch of cheap flowers

from the servo.

(GASPS)

Oh. Sorry.

Um, I'm gonna go.

We'll all be in

the same time zone next week.

What?

I'm coming home.

Hey, Rams, I'm gonna be

late for trivia, OK?

I've totally screwed this ragout.

Ah, Madhuri Mishra.

Who the f*ck made you a housewife?

Lou! I'm cooking for Rob.

This ragout, it tastes like armpits.

(CHUCKLES)

How are you, Lou?

Ah, just another sh*t day.

Feeling a bit exhausted.

Don't worry. Ramsay's taking me

into the hospital.

Good.

Rob's sick.

He just took a COVID test and

now he's self-isolating in the study.

He even wears a mask

when he comes out.

Ramsay told me about

your little love triangle.

Yeah, it's a bit, uh complicated.

Nah, what's complicated about two

blokes wanting to jump your bones?

Semesa would love it

if I had another bloke on the go.

Poor thing gets tired out.

(CHUCKLES) So how did you know

that Semesa was the one you wanted?

It's not about what you want,

it's what you need.

And you know what you need, Maddie?

A kite flyer.

A kite flyer?

Mm.

Someone who'll hold your string

real tight,

so you can fly like a f*cking kite.

And that's Rob, right? Or Dylan?

Yeah, but the problem is

when you're up there flying around,

you start crashing into other kites

and your strings get all tangled up.

So who am I tangled up with?

Rob or Dylan?

Anyway, I gotta go or

Semesa's gonna be pulling my string.

(CHUCKLES)

OK, can you tell Ramsay

I'm gonna be late for trivia, please?

Yeah, yeah,

because you're a sh*t cook.

See ya, Madhuri. (BLOWS KISS)

Bye, Lou. (BLOWS KISSES)

(COUGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Right now, now

Now

Right now

Soon the Earth

may dissolve like smoke

We'll meet again in the air

All bound to glow

Now

Now

Right now

Now

Right ♪

Was it gross how Jock said Amina's

rice ba*ls are greasy?

Totally. Another white chef telling

an Asian cook her food doesn't rate.

So MasterChef basics - we hate Jock

but we love Melissa?

Asian pride represents.

(CHUCKLES) OK, Melissa,

how was my ragout?

Uh, it's actually the most

edible meal you've ever cooked.

Edible is a low bar!

Compared to last night's stir-fry

that you could k*ll corona with.

Are you saying that I've been

sitting on a cure this whole time?

Maddie you can stop

the guilt cooking.

What do you mean?

You've been cooking

every night this week.

Ever since

you and Dylan, chatting online.

No, no, no.

I genuinely love cooking now.

Maddie, come on!

OK, um I'm sorry.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I just get weird when I see him.

Look, I was annoyed about

the Dylan thing, but I'm OK now.

So can we be honest

with each other from now on?

Yes.

And no more plating up, please.

My plate runneth over.

(CHUCKLES)

OK, Quizmaster.

Are you ready to host trivia?

Mmm, a social engagement

structured around knowledge

and a point-based reward system.

I was born ready.

(LAUGHS) Even your jokes

about being nerdy are nerdy.

See you in there!

No, I'm all about mindfulness,

but now I've got a toddler

reminding me to stay present

when I'm wiping his bum.

(LAUGHS)

Wait - did you say 'naked yoga'?

Ah! Kim and Kanye,

nice of you to join us.

Hellooooo, Kourtney, Khloe

and Kendall!

I'm clearly a Kylie.

Trivia is touching down.

I don't want trivia

touching me down anywhere.

Rams, it's gonna be

a tonne of fun

and I'm gonna destroy you.

Yeah, let's get quizzical!

Thanks, Olivia Newton-Trivia,

but this is not my Xanadu.

Oh, but it will be.

Get your skates on.

Get your paper. Get your pens.

Rrrr!

Oh, you call that a pen?

This is a pen.

Ooh, hitting my stationery G spot

with your pen-play.

Rob does have a great pen-is.

Great. Now I'm thinking about

Rob quizzing in his pants.

(LAUGHS)

OK. So what are the rules of combat?

Two rounds, 20 questions.

Question number one.

Gangnam Style

was the first music video

to exceed a billion views

on YouTube.

True or false?

And for a bonus two points, please

perform the Gangnam Style dance.

Segueing to bonus points. Love.

Yeah you da boss dot com, Rob.

Yes! Two points everyone!

Whoo!

Yes!

Except for Isabel.

(OTHERS LAUGH)

What?!

No! But I actually

I've never seen the dance.

And I never want to

see you do it again.

I wish we recorded that.

Oh, my God, it'd go anti-viral.

(GIGGLES)

Question number two.

The bearded lady Conchita Wurst

won Eurovision in 2014

with Rise Like A Phoenix.

What country is she from?

Um, dancing, Eurovision

This is rigged for Ramsay!

Uh, when has anything ever

been rigged for a g*y black man?

Um

Call me when you've got the answer.

Just wait for the bonus round,

Isabel.

It's all astrology

and Federal legislation.

Oh! My Mercury is rising!

(PHONE RINGS)

Ah, better get that.

Could be the status quo changing.

Or mum.

Does he lose a point

for using his a phone?

Yeah, that doesn't look like a son

talking to his sick mum.

(LAUGHS)

Ladies and gentle-people

Who wants to be a Dillionaire?!

Greetings, Antipodeans.

Oh, I can't wait till we have

a vaccine for this virus.

Oh!

Well, what can't be cured

must be endured.

SOPHIE: What does that even mean?

I don't know. But it was poetic.

Um hey, Dylan.

We haven't met properly. I'm Rob.

Hi, Rob. Um it's really nice

to meet you, uh, properly.

Likewise.

Put it here.

Oh, no, it's your other hand.

Um what's happening?

Straight guy handshake.

Yeah, it's just guys being dudes.

Fist bump. Squid out, if you can.

So anyway, Dylan,

we were just playing some trivia.

Ah. Just a just a quiet night in?

Yeah, yeah. Just trivia.

Great. Well, I have a question.

Um who just got back from London?

Oh, are you back in Australia?

RAMSAY: Yes!

The return of the king!

Little Simba's all grown up,

back on the Pride Lands!

Yeah, but he's more like Uncle Scar.

What's with the surprise return?

Yeah, you could have warned us.

I did mention it to

Uh

To no-one!

Yeah, offence taken.

Yeah, it just

all happened so quickly.

One minute I was in London,

and then the next minute

I was back in sunny Brisbane. So

Brisbane?!

Not Melbourne?

Back to your roots, baby!

You're from Brisbane?

Yep, born and bred. Then I fled.

Ah, Queensland, huh?

Beautiful one day

and where culture goes to die

the next.

Whoa!

Uh, The Go-Betweens? Powderfinger?

Screamfeeder, Regurgitator,

The Saints.

Custard

The Bee Gees

OK, Gen X,

can we turn off Double J now?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is this a Brisbane bromance

I see before me?

Actually they do look like

Savage Garden.

(OTHERS LAUGH)

Ooh!

Yes!

Uh, Dylan,

where are you quarantining?

Is that like a macrame cafe?

Um, I'm at Jane's house.

Ah.

Who's Jane?

Oh, it's Dylan's hot sister.

Yeah, the one that Sophie

could not turn.

Ooh, predatory l*sbian trope -

that's original.

Yeah, well, I probably should

just go and hang with

my 'hot sister' anyway.

So I'll let you get back to

Uh, no, wait.

Dylan, do you want to play?

Oh, I uh Sure.

I mean, if it's cool with

..the g*ng.

Yeah.

Oh, it's probably a little bit late

for Dylan to join, really.

Oh, damn! So do we have to

cancel trivia?

No, can't we just cancel Dylan?

If he stays, he plays.

Yes.

OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine.

Um, are you good, Rob?

Yeah, of course. You?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great.

OK, question three.

Who am I?

Uh you're Robert.

Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

We're not calling out the answers.

We're writing them down.

The next time you call out,

that's a deduction.

Thanks, Is.

OK, who am I?

And bonus point.

My 100m sprint record is

A - 9.5 seconds,

B - 9.57 seconds,

C - 9.56 seconds.

OK, Soph, I'm just sending you

a movie title.

Mime the movie.

And first person to guess

gets five points.

OK, I've got it. I've got it.

Mime time!

RAMSAY: OK, calm down,

Charlie Chaplin.

Um

Uh uh?

Per person sh**ting man

in the head!

Bang-bang in the head.

Oh, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang!

American sn*per?

RAMSAY: Every Tarantino movie ever?

No!

What?

No idea. Groin? Crotch?

p*ssy!

Seriously? That is just hostile.

Puss in Boots!

Josie and the Pussycats!

c**t! Oh, country! Oh, my God!

Um No Country for Old Men.

Yes!

Oh, my God. I'm gonna be in bed

for a week after that.

Five points Isabel.

Thank you!

And f*ck you, Marco, for making me

watch that movie a million times.

Yeah, exes - am I right?

Um, next question, babe.

Uh of course. Yeah.

Question four it is.

Which band had the hit album

Remain in Light.

Talking Heads!

Uh, whoops.

Just pretend I wrote that down.

Definite deduction.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

You're a Talking Heads fan, Ramsay?

Yeah, that's Mama's favourite band.

Didn't Lou make you go to school

dress-up day as David Byrne?

No, it was just

a regular school day.

(LAUGHTER)

It wasn't as bad as when Vijay made

Maddie dress up as Princess Diana.

(LAUGHS)

After the car crash.

(LAUGHS)

How did I not know about this?

Mate, it's the first picture you see

when you walk into

the Mishra's house.

Surely you've seen that.

No, I haven't

met Maddie's parents yet.

Oh, right. Well, yeah,

Vijay's a cr*cker.

I'm sure you'll love him.

Well, we've been in a pandemic

and they've been in Canberra.

OK, Rob, Rob, let's get this

trivia train back on the tracks.

Question five.

In this year's

MasterChef: Back to Win,

please name all the contestants

who comprise,

as Maddie and I call them,

the Asian Invasion.

Oh, uh, sorry. Dylan,

it's a bit of a localised question.

Do you want to sit it out?

Yeah, cool.

Cool. Cooking shows

are definitely not my thing.

Uh, hold on, Maddie's gonna get

all the points on this one.

Alright, can we start deducting Is

for every time she complains

about the scoring?

Yeah, Is! Can you just be

a bit less Isabel?

I'm not here to make friends.

OK, so name all the contestants.

And don't worry, Maddie's

only ever half-watching.

Um, no, I'm not.

You don't love it.

No, I, like, do.

I'm really getting into it.

In the past week.

From before, from the start.

Yeah are we still

talking about MasterChef?

Yes.

(CHUCKLES) OK.

Playing trivia and cooking.

This is a brand-spanking-new Maddie.

Wait, Maddie was in a kitchen

and didn't set fire to it?

(CHUCKLES) Lockdown miracle.

How did the ragout turn out?

The ragout?

Yeah, did the little bit of sugar

work in the ragout?

The ragout was great, Dylan.

A little sweet,

but we loved the ragout.

Oh. OK. Sorry, I didn't realise

it was a romantic ragout for two.

Can we please stop saying 'ragout'?

You tend to eat together

when you live together.

It wasn't really romantic, though,

you know. It was just ragout.

Yeah, well,

I thought it was romantic.

Yeah, well, glad I could help.

With the ragout!

OK, stage three restrictions

on the word 'ragout'.

Um, OK.

Question six.

Anagrams of countries.

I'll send them in the chat.

Maddie, you just sent

that to the group.

sh*t. That was for, uh

A little sidebar chat?

Yeah, she was Sorry, she was just

replying to something I said, so

Yeah, what did you say?

Mate, just

I said you were dull.

But, you know, it was a dumb joke,

that's all.

OK, um

Let's take a break.

Rob

Hey, at least I got

the honesty I was after.

(BREATHES) f*ck' hell.

sh*t.

Dylan? Seriously, f*ck off.

Yeah, I second that.

Yeah, too far, Dyl-do.

I felt that in my colon.

Yeah, I'm sorry, alright?

That was a that was a d*ck move.

Yep, correct answer.

One point.

Just get out, Dylan.

Now.

I have to go.

Yeah, it's just like when

Phi Phi O'Hara told Sharon Needles

to go back to Party City

where she belongs.

So, what, Rob's Sharon Needles?

Oh, no, he's definitely Phi Phi.

Mm.

Hey! Uh, what did Phi Phi

I mean, uh What did Rob say?

Nah, nothing.

What, he put you on mute

for, like, 20 minutes?

Yeah, yeah, basically.

I kept trying to apologise,

and he kept blanking me.

Oh, finally!

What?

Restrictions are being lifted

next week!

Oh, yes!

Send us a link.

Oh, yes! The Bar

is back in business, baby!

Here's to serving actual people,

who I can actually go home with.

Here's to swiping left on men

in real life!

Swipe right, babe. Swipe right.

I guess this means

we're winding up The Bar?

What? Why are we winding up The Bar?

How many more train wreck trivia

nights would you like to sit through?

Yeah, well, it's not our fault

that your love life

is a f*cking rollercoaster.

Yeah, I'm ready to get off.

Ramsay, you're the one that

invited Dylan into The Bar!

I didn't know you were using Dylan

as some kind of secret spice rack.

Yeah, Mads, babe, you really need to

get Dylan out from under your skin.

Oh, OK, Is, because

you are so resolved about your ex

and never, ever go on about Marco.

Marco and I,

we have a child together.

So he's never going away,

unfortunately.

What's Dylan got with you?

If I answer that, I win the trivia?

Oh, just piss off, Sophie!

OK, I think everyone

is just a little tense

because we've gone

lockdown cray-cray.

You know, once the restrictions

lift, we can leave the house,

and just chill.

Yeah, well, some of us can.

What?

You've all been locked inside for,

what, six weeks and you've gone mad?

Like, you know this is my life.

No, I know.

I think he was just saying,

you know,

we can't wait till things

go back to normal.

I mean, not 'normal'

Yeah. No, no, no.

Normal like you guys go out to bars

and restaurants that I can't go to,

and, um, you go back to

not talking about that,

'cause, you know,

wouldn't that be uncomfortable?

Do you know that

the best thing about this lockdown

was hanging out with you guys

every night?

Yeah, like we used to.

Soph

No, no, no. Laters, haters.

(WHISPERS) Soph

(GROANS)

Wow.

Is there anyone else

I can piss off tonight?

Yeah, I think Soph was on all of us.

(PHONE RINGS)

Uh, I've gotta take this.

What am I even doing, Is?

What do you mean?

Wasn't I meant to be in Seoul?

Look at this apartment. It's so big.

None of this stuff is mine.

OK

I don't even know what day it is.

Mads, just step away

from the existential wormhole.

Um that was Dad.

Mum's been taken to the ICU.

I've gotta go.

Ramsay - sh*t!

Oh, Rams!

f*ck!

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Oh, that's probably Caring Karen

telling me to keep

my existential crisis down.

Hey, I'll just gonna text Rams and

let him know we'll wait up for him.

It's Dylan!

What?

sh*t!

I should I should

tell him to go, right?

Babe

What?!

The fact that you

even had to ask me.

Yeah, but maybe I should

just ask him what he wants.

You! He wants you, Maddie.

Jesus! Oh, my

How does he even know

where you live? Is he stalking you?

I may have, um, maybe told him

about these apartments.

I (SIGHS)

You know you're actually messing up

a really great thing with Rob

and I just I can't watch this.

Is

Is!

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Maddie? Do you mind getting that?

Um, sure. But can we please

talk first?

Not now, OK? I'm still processing

Maddie!

Is that

Maddie!

Are you outside the apartment?

Maddie, can you just come down,

please?

One, two, three, four!

I'll make you crawl

I'll make you so sad you were mine

I'll make you stall

And, honey,

I'm sure that you will find

I'm telling you

I don't let go until I'm through

I'll make you cry

I'll make you

wish that you could die

I'm gonna be your demolition girl

Demolition girl!