01x04 - Icons

[bunniefuu]

Dylan, this is hot Alan.

What happened to Marco?

Yeah, no, we broke up.

Yeah

Uh

Sorry, Alan. What are you doing?

I thought you said

you were down to play.

(LAUGHS)

Into group sex.

That was wild.

Not as wild as you looking after

a kid, though, Madhuri.

Why do you even care?

It's complicated.

Who's Dylan?

Go back to sleep.

No!

She's never let anyone put her

to sleep except me or her mum.

How'd you do it?

Um magic.

I think you're pretty magical.

Yeah, she is.

(COMPUTER BLEEPS)

(SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYS)

RAMSAY: Mum's at four bars again.

Holler for our party tonight.

Don't you c**ts go

f*ck' up feminism.

Do ya hear me, Maddie?

You think Maddie's

gonna wanna see Ramsay

in your Bonnie Tyler

or my Diana Ross?

Um, Diana Ross, obvi.

(CHUCKLES)

Get a room.

How about a three-way

with Diana Ross?

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Ew!

Right now, now

Now

Right now

Soon the Earth

may dissolve like smoke

We'll meet again in the air

All bound to glow

Now

Now

Right now

Now

Right ♪

(GASPS) Ahhh! Your costume!

Oh, my God, your feminism!

Babe, those eyes!

Oh, look at those gloves.

Oh, you mean this?

Ha-ha! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

What? Huh? What? Huh?

What? What? What?

Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh!

Calling Egypt.

Soz, Cleopatra now resides

in Brisbane.

(BOTH LAUGH)

How are we this good?!

b*tch, we brown!

That's how we be so damn good!

What do you think

Iz is gonna come as?

Hillary, Julia, or Jacinda?

Oh, yawn. Bring on the pants-suit.

Be an ally to our feminism party,

not a mean girl.

Yeah, but mean girls dress better.

That's true. You're so fetch.

(GASPS) Let's drink, Regina!

Oh, busted!

Oh!

I am not above the comfort

of the silver pillow.

Mmm.

Oh.

What? What is it?

I applied for this award thingy

before Travel Bug was swatted.

Oh, and did you come first?

Mm-hm, I always do, darling.

(BOTH GASP)

"Dear Madhuri Mishra.

"Congratulations,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

"We have some good news

in these uncertain times.

"You have been awarded

the Emerging Female Leader

"in the Asia-Pacific Tourism Awards!"

Ahhh!

Ahh!

Holy tourism!

Yes!

Suck on that, COVID!

See, something good can emerge

from you after all.

I have to tell Rob.

I'm gonna invite him in.

He's at his ex's.

Great!

Invite my favourite

non-Crazy Rich Asian.

Rob is not not crazy, OK?

He just puts the "norm"

into "normcore".

You bang normies all the time.

Yeah, but in really filthy ways.

Rob can be filthy, you know.

He does this thing

with his fingers

Ahh, no, no, no!

Frank Ocean, Frank Ocean!

Uhh, no, no, no, no, no!

(GASPS) Hold up your fingers

right now where I can see them!

You're dressed as a Disney princess.

Not cool.

Yeah, Maya's Greta Thunberg outfit

didn't fit me.

(IMITATES THUNBERG) The eyes of

all future generations are upon you!

Ugh, I think your accent

just stopped climate change.

Can I just say,

I effing love Janet?

Oh, you effing do?

I was Janet Jackson

in my high school rock eisteddfod.

Did all the moves

from Rhythm Nation.

Aww, high school Rob.

And they made YOU Janet because?

Because I wiped the floor

with the other dancers.

Oh! Oh!

(LAUGHS) Come on!

Crouching IT tiger, hidden diva!

What?!

Come on, Rob.

Hey, babe?

Can you blow off co-parenting

to come to the bar tonight?

I'd love to, but my meeples

must defeat all.

We're playing Carcassonne!

Oh, and welcome back, Norm.

Hey, guess what?

You've developed a love

of Settlers of Catan,

and when I get back,

we're trading sheep, wood and bricks

all night long?

No, nerd. I won an award!

That's awesome! What for?

Being an emerging female leader

in all of tourism!

I think I even get a trophy.

Oh, we can put it next to my trophy

for being

a young Asian entrepreneur.

LOL.

Yeah, but you guys

party hard tonight.

And when I get home tomorrow,

I'm gonna

rock eisteddfod you so hard.

Oh, hot priest, hot priest!

So, you're still getting the award

even though the company's collapsed?

Yes!

(ALL GASP)

Yas, Queen.

(LAUGHS)

Tina!

Uh

Oh, Ram, babe, you're on mute!

Hey!

(NO AUDIO)

Oh, Tina! Tina, turn around!

Your mic's off!

(ALL LAUGH)

Maybe she's doing a literal

interpretation of Private Dancer?

MADDIE: Is that

his old wrestling belt?

Oh, wow.

I'm sure she sounds great,

but we can't hear her.

Um, so, Emerging Asian Leader?

Uh, Emerging FEMALE Leader,

thank you very much.

Right.

Over in the Boys Club, we have

(GASPS) ..oh, my God, it's just

the plain old Leader Award.

Yeah, let's analyse the words

another time, because tonight

We uphold the patriarchy

whilst dressed in feminist costumes?

No, we celebrate Maddie

for being a m*therf*cking leader!

Uh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

I would like to thank my femaleness,

I would like to thank my leaderness.

OK, someone, quick, please.

Someone get her

an emerging female speechwriter.

(LAUGHS)

Hey!

Whoo!

Ooh.

f*ck's sake!

Hi, Tina!

Welcome back from the Thunderdome.

Were y'all just applauding

Ms Award Winner then?

Yeah.

Oh, well.

I gift thee my ring of ear

(GASPS)

Ooh.

..and my hair of wig.

That's a big deal.

Wow.

(GASPS)

Oh!

Tina is vacay-ing the building!

Gotta untuck my Nutbush.

(ALL LAUGH)

Yay! (CHUCKLES)

Uh, guys, um

..f*ck served

our divorce papers today.

Oh, f*ckity f*ck.

Oh, sh*t!

No, it's it's a good thing.

How?

What, he's leaving you

all his money and a tip?

Oh, no, no, no, that dickhead

never liked tipping.

No, the problem was that he kept

putting his tip into other people.

Ugh, there is nothing worse

than getting a stingy tip up you.

(ALL LAUGH)

No, he's he's

really going after me.

Ugh.

And how is that a good thing?

Well, as I was cleaning out

Mum and Dad's cutlery drawer,

I had a lockdown revelation.

That kitchen scissors belong

in the third drawer?

I totally agree, but no.

I am a monster of a lawyer.

I am, like

I'm so crazy good at my job

that they're gonna have to check

the dental records

of Marco's bank account

when I'm done with him.

I just saw a very evil glint

in your eyes.

Yeah, yeah, I saw it, too.

That's BTS of Making a m*rder*r.

Is it weird that she's a k*ller

dressed as a judge?

An associate justice.

I am Ruth Bader GINS-berg after all.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Hola, sisterhood!

Oh, Rams Wait.

What are you dressed as now?

Has Ramsay finally finished

his feminist celebrity showcase?

Haters be hating, but you loved me

as Bodyguard Whitney

and Lemonade Bey!

No. Wait, are you leaving me?

Yes! Soz.

But we haven't finished

celebrating female leaders.

Again, "female leader"

is problematic language.

Uh, alas, it is time for this diva

to take her final bow.

Yeah, I think I gotta go, too.

What? No, Soph.

We have to riot! p*ssy power!

Uh, yeah, I might get started

on my divorce papers, then.

Iz!

I'm sorry.

I've got a hankering to have Marco

fully f*cked by the morning.

What?

Yeah.

She's gonna Erin Brockovich

the sh*t out of f*ck.

Oh.

Guys!

Girls!

Female-identifying people!

We can't end a feminist icon party

so quickly.

Yes, we can. I'm headed

to a h*m* bar in, like, half-a.

A rival bar?

Does this bar have c*ck puns?

Bloody Mary Shelley?

Negroni Weaver? Germaine Beer?

Oh, great aroma,

hoppy, transphobic finish.

Ladies, I'm feeling more

like a MAN-hattan.

Oh, right.

You're gonna go and

..online with randoms?

Mm, like our mate Alan.

Don't call that to my memory.

Don't you think

Alan was kind of

Hot?

Yeah.

..uh, well, kind of nice?

What?!

Because he used a fresh hanky

to wipe himself off?

Yeah, let's introduce him

to your grandparents.

No, I'm just saying that

I might give him a call

and see if he can teach me

about this whole dating thing.

Hey, Iz, why don't you stay and we

can catfish hot Alans together?

Yeah, one step forward for kink,

and three steps backwards

for feminism.

Mmm, sorry, babe.

I am swimming up and out

of your Nile.

OK, bye, Ruthy! Mwah!

Loved you in the Netflix doco.

Bye.

Iz, just wait!

OK, yep, bye, folks!

What?! No!

Soph, stay and we'll debate feminism.

Nah, I've got a Tiger King

watching party waiting.

And Joe Exotic's mullet

waits for no-one.

Haven't you already seen that show?

Yeah, but it's reviews party.

We are in so deep.

And I've got a crush

on one of the watchers, so

What? Dish.

Uh, no. Bye.

Oh, what?

Huh? Soph?

Wow.

Yeah.

Dish denied!

(SIGHS)

OK, so, like, if, in theory,

a user by the name of DagwoodDog86

just messaged me and happens

to live, like, two streets away

Uh, if you're cruising IRL,

just make sure you use hand sanitiser

before you give a little wristy.

Ahh, that would burn!

I'll wear gloves.

Is that the official line

from the Chief Medical Officer?

Well, I'm f*cking dying here.

Mm, you want a real hug,

with real penises?

Mm-hm. And I'm not greedy.

Just one p*nis hug will do.

Well, if things get oral,

a mask will only get in the way.

Love ya guts, ya clever b*tch.

Mwah!

(BLOWS KISS)

(SOFTLY) Bye.

(SIGHS)

(ELECTRONIC BLEEP)

(POP MUSIC PLAYS)

Yes!

(MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES)

I just can't resist you

It's not enough to say

that I miss you

I feel so untouched right now

Need you so much somehow

I can't forget you

Goin' crazy from the moment

I met you ♪

(STRING INTERLUDE)

Untouched ♪

f*ck!

And I need you so much ♪

(MUSIC STOPS)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Uh hi.

Hi.

What the f*ck are you doing here?

What's with the make-up?

You finally lost your marbles

in lockdown?

No, we just had

a feminist costume party.

Right. It's Cleopatra?

Ivanka Trump.

(HALF-LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

It's just you know that Cleopatra

is a pre-colonial warlord,

not a feminist?

I like to think of her

as a bad-a*s girl

who played the cards

she was dealt very well.

Yeah, it's just those cards were

armies, sl*ves,

and a few dozen flotillas, but

Hey, um could you please

mansplain colonialism

a little bit more to me, white boy?

(SIGHS) Right.

I think I should probably go, then?

Yeah. Me, too.

Um

..I'm sorry if the way

that I behaved last week,

uh impacted you.

Impacted me?

Yeah, I'm just

..trying to keep myself accountable.

For what?

Putting Maya to sleep?

No.

It wasn't my intention

to make things awkward.

I really wanted to see you.

And, uh

I, um

I didn't expect to see you

so settled.

So

..I'm sorry.

Well, you seem pretty Insta-settled

with, uh Kata Katia Kayt

Kat. She goes by Kat.

Oh, Kat.

Well, Kat

..is rather beautiful.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

So, how good did I look

in those photos you were stalking?

Older.

Cool.

But better, kind of.

(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS UPSTAIRS)

See, that

That is the real global disaster.

What is that delightful music?

sh*t.

See, that is Lunchtime Larry.

Do you have one in your building?

Oh, no, but we have a Caring Karen,

who started a Facebook group

for the Woolstore residents.

Woolstore? Where?

Uh, Teneriffe.

Brisbane? Interesting.

Why?

Well, just of all the gentrified

suburbs on the East Coast

Just a classic smashed-avo dilemma,

really -

brunch in Melbourne

or cheap rent in Brissie.

Doesn't look like you got cheap rent

there at that Woolstore penthouse.

Yeah, well, it's not my penthouse.

Is it?

I don't know.

You tell me.

(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS UPSTAIRS)

Oh, there it is again. Good.

Great.

Groundhog Day Guitar.

Maybe the bad string instrument's

keeping him sane.

No, his early-morning f*cking

does that, actually.

It's twice as loud

and way less rhythmic.

Breakfast in bed.

Yeah.

Really could do

with a f*ck right now.

Right.

Well, you know,

you've got a girlfriend.

Maybe you could f*ck her.

(HALF-LAUGHS)

That's not who I was talking about.

Do you miss it?

Sorry, I'm just being frank.

Um, yeah.

(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS UPSTAIRS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Well, yeah.

Lazza kinda kills the mood,

doesn't he?

Yeah.

This whiskey's foul.

It is so bad.

I thought you'd have your mates

giving you freebies

from their distilleries in Hackney.

So, you have been stalking me?

This is actually a Hackney whiskey.

(CHUCKLES)

It's, uh it's non-alcoholic.

Really?

Yeah, six months and counting.

You're being serious?

You? Sober?

Completely, yeah.

What kicked that off?

A girl, if I'm honest.

Kat-aya?

No, someone else.

Uh, but we had our ups and downs,

and we partied a lot.

A lot.

So, you dated for a while?

A while, yeah.

British?

No. Her parents are from India.

But then she was born in Canberra,

and then moved to Melbourne

as soon as she could.

And now, uh

has found herself in Brisbane.

She really seems to have

her life on track.

Are you taking the piss?

You asked about my sobriety

I didn't make you an addict.

I wasn't your Indian

Courtney Love, OK?

Is that why you f*cked off to London

without saying goodbye?

'Cause of me?

Look, I just really needed to

to be somewhere new.

I was lost.

Um I have the tattoo to prove it.

What tattoo?

So, I arrived to London, um

out of my head,

and I spent a hundred quid on

..a compass.

Corny?

It's corny.

Look what I did.

Crikey, Maddie.

(CHUCKLES)

You've got such beautiful skin.

What does it mean?

I got it after you left.

It's a hand

..holding me.

Yeah.

Dylan?

What?

Whatever you're doing

with your eyes right now

..don't.

OK.

Whatever I'm doing with my eyes,

I'll, uh

..I'll stop.

(DOOR OPENS)

ROB: Hey!

Hi! (GASPS)

Nothing says "I'm proud of you"

like a cheap bunch of flowers

from the servo.

(CHUCKLES AND GASPS)

Oh, sorry.

I didn't realise

you were chatting to someone.

No, just wrapping up.

Yeah.

Thought you were doing

the whole family sleepover thing?

Yeah. Yeah, I just missed you.

Yeah, me, too.

Who is that?

Oh, it's just Dylan.

He was hanging out at the bar and

I was I was wired from the party.

Is everything OK?

Yeah, of course.

And now you're home,

I'll come to bed.

OK, sure.

OK.

I'll be there soon.

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Um, I'm gonna go.

I'll see you soon.

Yeah.

Well, we'll be in

the same time zone next week.

What?

I'm coming home.

Catch ya, Cleopatra.

(DANCE MUSIC)

(VEHICLE ENGINE REVS)