01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪
This cake looks amazing!

I can't wait to eat it!

♪ Happy birthday dear Spe... ♪

Happy birthday, Spencer!

What the hell are you doing?

I just thought it'd
be a fun surprise.

It's a thing for his birthday.

Why did you ruin my birthday?

After you split up, all
I wanted was a real cake.

Don't worry, Spence.

We'll get you another cake...

and another dad.

Boo!

ALL BOO

You're pathetic!

I was just trying to do a nice
surprise for your birthday.

I can't believe
you're my brother!

Spencer?

I want another dad.

Spencer!

ALARM CHIMES

MUSIC: Can You Get
To That by Funkadelic

That felt harsh,
even for a nightmare.

HE SIGHS

♪ I once had a life, or rather

♪ Life had me... ♪

COURTNEY: I cannot believe
she hasn't called me.

Well, have you called her?

Ah, no.

She was the one that left,

plus she is the
one that rings me.

It's sort of funny
in a way, isn't it?

Because if you were a bit
more like me, this argument

probably wouldn't be happening.
Like, because my sort of approach

is to kind of just
go with the flow.

Whereas your approach
is to sort of...

scream abuse at the flow
until it starts crying.

How's that working out for you?

Just because last time I
checked, you flowed right into

living in your sister's house,
sobbing in the bathroom at night.

I do not sob, OK?

I'm not sobbing.

Well, I hope that's you crying,

because if that is you
masturbating then you need help.

Look, I would not masturbate
in my sister's bathroom, OK?

I wouldn't masturbate in any guest
bathroom... So you're sobbing?

I'm not... Oh, morning! Morning.

Hiya, mate. You all right?

Ah, got a bit of good news.

I'm making pancakes.

You're making them?

Yeah, look. He's doing
such a great job.

Look at that lovely
pile of mush.

That is just a
practice pile, OK,

but this one is going
to be egg-cellent.

Egg-cellent.

When's Auntie Dan coming
back? Because you guys

are weird without her.

AT SAME TIME: Ah, next week.
Ah, I think it's tomorrow.

She will be back for
my birthday, though?

Yep, she definitely will try.

She's definitely going
to try and be there.

Great, because I know
exactly what I want to do.

You do?

Jed went to this amazing
zombie-hunter hotel

and said it was insane!

He said there were real
zombies and everything.

Yeah, well, I've got a slight
issue with the term "real zombies".

So hold on a minute.

You want me, Dan, your
mum and dad all to go on

a zombie-hunting
holiday together?

You don't have to if
you don't want to.

No, no, I can't wait. No,
co... It'll be great. I def...

It'll be really... good, yeah.
Yeah, I want to come. Yes!

OK, what's become clear is that
I can't make pancakes at all,

so I think we get breakfast out.

Do you wanna go
and get your coat?

Great!

If you don't get us out of this,

I will haunt you like a zombie.

Right, OK, what's clear from
that, Courtney, is that you don't

understand what zombies
are or how they work.

Oh, why don't you just
pop off to the toilet

and have a nice, dirty sob?

Dad? Mm-hm?

Have you called the
zombie hotel yet?

Spencer, you've been
with me the entire time.

Have you seen me
organising a weekend break?

Can you do it now?

Now?

I'll do it in a bit, all right?

Come on, please, please,
please, please, please!

Come on, now. I've wanted to do
this forever now... All-all...

all right, all right. All
right. Tone it down a bit.

Yeah, OK. I'll do it.

But they're probably going
to be fully booked, so just,

you know, manage
your expectations.

Manage them better than that.

Great.

Dad, are they free? Dad,
have they got any rooms?

I've not even got
through yet, Spencer.

Yes, hello.

Yeah. Erm, yeah, I'm just
calling on the off chance -

it's probably unlikely you're
gonna be able to help -

but I just wanted to
check on availability.

Well, I haven't... I
haven't said when yet.

Well... Well, it's
tomorrow night.

Oh, you have?

OK, well, that is...

That's good, but it's actually
three rooms, so I'm not...

You've got three rooms?

OK, well, that's-that's,
erm... That's brilliant.

The only issue is I need
three adjoining rooms.

You do?

OK, well, that is, erm,
surprising, but obviously great.

OK. Well, I guess I will, erm...

I'll book that, then.

Yeah, the surname's Nadar.

Yeah, sure, I'll hold.

Looks like we're going
zombie-hunting. Yes!

SOUL MUSIC

DOORBELL

Oh.

Jonathan.

Claire.

Ah... Hi. How are you?

Ah, good. How are
you? You good?

Yeah, yeah. Are you good?

Yeah, I'm gr... I'm great, yeah.

So... Are you good?
SHE CLEARS THROAT

Yeah. This is a surprise.

Oh. Oh, well, I
mean, I could, erm...

I could get back in the car
for ten minutes to give you...

Come in... time to...
HE CLEARS THROAT

Thank you.

If Courtney sent you
to get me to go back...

She hasn't. Well,
I'm not going back.

Ah, OK.

Even if she begs me.

No, she's not begging.

She's not even asking,
so not an issue.

Erm, I've got a
bit of, erm, news.

I have booked us into a
zombie-hunter hotel for

Spencer's birthday tomorrow.
He wants us all to go.

I'd already planned to go
to one of those cafes where

you paint the teapots.

Yes, I know,

and I'm as shocked as you are that
he's thinking of alternatives.

And I've got that
awayday on Sunday,

so I'll have to
leave first thing.

Well, I've got great news.

The zombie shift
finishes at sunrise,

so you'll be absolutely fine.

Is she coming?

Spencer wants she to come, yeah.

So Courtney is coming.

Based on how mature you're
being about it right now,

I think it's going to go great.

All right, so Spencer wants
to spend his birthday with

two warring couples, does he?

We're not warring. Are we?

God, no.

No...

No, I mean, we're...

I mean, we're great. Ah,
n... Fine. We're fine. Yeah.

I mean, look, I don't
want to go either, OK?

It's just that...

Spencer's been through
a lot of sh*t recently

and I just think it's kind of up
to the four of us to make sure

he has a great time
on his birthday.

And if that means pretending
to be a functioning family for

a bit, then can we just do it?

What, while k*lling
a bunch of zombies?

DAN SIGHS Fine.

But, for the record, I'm
doing it for Spencer.

Great. I'll make sure they
put that on the booking.

"Doing it for Spencer."

I'll get it confirmed by email.

Thank you for that as well.

You're welcome.

All right?

Oh, you're driving, are you?

Yeah, you always say
you hate driving.

Well, maybe I've changed my
mind, as people often do.

Oh, OK, OK.

No, you-you should drive.

Yeah, you drive, and we'll
just go round and round the M25

until one of us dies.

Fine. Yes?

You've bullied me into it,

as you always do.

COURTNEY SIGHS
Yeah? You drive.

OK. Let's go, birthday boy.

SPENCER: You guys excited?

Yeah. Yeah. It's
going to be great.

It's going to be so good,
isn't it? It'll be so good,

just everyone hanging out
together. Yeah, can't wait.

This is exciting. Just
all of us together,

just having fun. Oh,
buzzing. All together.

JONATHAN: Well, that four
hours has just flown by.

Great chat.

SPEAKING SLOWLY: Everyone...

out!

Everyone out. Wow. OK.

I mean, he does
work here, right?

CLAIRE: I mean, we are here, so
we were going to get out anyway.

DEATH: No cars...

in the afterlife.

And no survivors.

Bit much.

You have come here...

seeking redemption and shelter.

OK, sorry. How quickly
can we get into the room?

I just really need a wee, so...

First you will be tested.

Can we leave our
bags in the car?

If only it was as easy

to leave our sins.

I'm going to take that as a yes.

First, ye will need the
proper documentation.

The documentation.

NORMAL VOICE:
Booking confirmation.

Oh, yes. Ah...

Yes. There you go.

Thanks.

You'll go in there.

It needs to be three
adjoining rooms.

Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, there it is.

All the info's on the bottom
of the email. Oh, thank you.

Thanks. Great.
Cheers. CLEARS THROAT

RESUMES CREEPY VOICE:
Welcome to m*rder Wood,

where zombies await
in every corner,

and... your... mind.

Sorry, are you sure this
is suitable for kids?

Erm, Death, this
is all, erm, great.

It's really, really
good, isn't it?

It's really... fun.

But it's just that
we're quite knackered,

we've had quite a long drive.

So we were thinking if
we get up to the rooms,

chill out for a little
bit, and then we can come

back down for this, kind of...
In order to get your key,

you will need to find...

HE CACKLES

HE CONTINUES SLOW CACKLE

the antidote.

But beware.

If a zombie grabs this tag...

you will be lost forever.

And, whatever you do,

don't split... up.

Hm. That ship's sailed.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

COUGHING

That was so cool!

Right, I think if we want to get in
our rooms, we've got to split up.

Oh, right, so you didn't listen
to a word that Death said.

Well, excuse me for not taking
advice from the failed actor.

DEATH: Michael, I'm just
going to move the car.

Oh, God, it's already
getting a bit dark, isn't it?

I think Courtney
is right, actually.

I think we're going to have to
split up to cover more ground.

Spence, why don't you come with
me and we'll leave your aunties

to have some quiet time?

SPENCER: I want to
go with Courtney.

What?

No, no, Spencer, why don't
you and I go together?

These others can
be a team, yeah?

No offence, Dad. I just
actually want to go with someone

who can actually fight a zombie.

OK. Well, it's up to you,
but just so you know,

lots of offence. Have fun.

Come on, let's go!

Whoa... DAN: Oh, my God...

Well, look, I guess we...

We go this way, and, erm, you
know, maybe if we're lucky

the zombies are real, we
can join the undead and

live this day for eternity.

I could be painting
teapots right now.

This is still better than that.

EERIE MUSIC

OWL HOOTS It's ridiculous.

Anyway, it's ridi...
Aargh! Oh, my gosh! Ow!

Something just touched
my head! That was...

It was just like... Are you
scared, Auntie Courtney?

Yeah, Courtney, what
are you scared of?

Nothing.

Just worried about
you, Spencer, mate.

I just think maybe we should go
and find that, erm, Death guy

and just see if he's got,
like, a torch or something.

Nah, it's way
cooler in the dark.

Awesome.

You know, you could use the
torch on your phone, right?

Yes, I did actually know that.

And I did consider it. Mm.

ROAR

Bloody hell, how authentic do
they need this place to be?

Do you not think this is
a bit full-on for Spence?

I'm worried we're going
to mentally scar him.

OK, one...

Spencer absolutely
loves this stuff.

And, two, you are saying that
having just walked through

a fake spider web.

You worry too much.

Well, you worry too little.

Do you think Spencer put
us together on purpose?

Claire...

Yes, Jonathan?

Just turn around and tell
me this isn't a bit much

for a ten-year-old.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Yeah, no, that is a bit much.

SPENCER: Guys, is this
a real human head?

OK, Spencer, I think maybe just
move away from that for now.

Look at its nose!

Right, it says that we need to go
left here to find the antidote.

GROWLING Oh, my
God! What was that?

It was nothing.

GROWLING AND GROANING

DISTANT SCREAMS

Something's out there.

SCREAMING

JONATHAN: Do you know what? I
might actually complain about this.

This is way too real for kids.

CLAIRE SCOFFS What?

Well, sorry... SHE LAUGHS

It's just the idea
of you complaining.

I'll have you know that I actually
complained about and sent back

a sandwich the other day,
so... Oh, was that the one that

Courtney made you send back?

I really wish you weren't
friends with my sister.

SHRIEK Oh, my God...
What was that?

Was that Spencer? Spence!

Oh, my God! They're coming,
they're coming! They're coming!

Oh, my God, they're everywhere
- they're EVERYWHERE!

Oh, my God. GROWLING
AND GRUNTING

What the Hell is this?

What are we going to
do? This is insane.

We should have been given
a safe word, Jonathan!

Wait, wait, we know they're not
actually going to eat us, right?

We need to split
them up. Ah, OK.

Spencer and Claire,
you come with me.

Dan and Courtney, run that way.
We'll meet you at the hotel.

What about the antidote?

I don't think anyone gives a
sh*t about the antidote, Claire!

All right, OK!
Come on, let's go.

SPENCER: This is so cool.

Spencer, come on!

Spencer! Claire, you go
ahead. I'll catch you up.

Come on. Come on, mate.
Come on, mate. Quick.

Spencer, come on.

Spencer, come on! Spencer...

Spencer! Woof!

f*ck you! Oh...

Oh, God. I'm so...
Mate, I'm so sorry.

Why would you do that?

Well, I-I thought you were going
for my son. I just panicked.

Are you OK?

Not really.

Dad...

you just punched a zombie.

I am so sorry.

This is a themed
zombie-hunter game.

You do understand the
concept of a game, don't you?

Yeah, of course. I'm sorry.

And you will understand that
we have to have quite a strict

policy on guests physically
abusing our staff members.

Yeah, I know. I'm really sorry.

It's just... It was just a
bit more full-on than I think

we were anticipating.

Like I said, I'm so, so sorry.

If we could just get our
hotel room keys, I'd love to

just get ourselves
rested. It's just, erm...

I think we're a bit
strung out, you know?

Do you have the antidote?

What?

I was very clear.

You need the antidote
to get your key.

Are you... joking?

You're not seriously suggesting
we go back out there.

Yeah.

f*ck this.

Excuse me?

You heard me. f*ck this.

This place is a f*cking joke.

It's not safe, and it's completely
inappropriate, by the way.

The theme is all over the shop,

and I don't even want
to visit the shop.

The only thing accurate about
is when you come in it says,

"Abandoned home," cos I
f*cking should've done when

I came to this sh*thole!

Now, listen, you are about
to get the TripAdvisor review

from Hell, mate, OK?

Now, give me my keys!

I'm going to have to ask
you and your family to leave

the premises right now.

With pleasure, mate. We're gone.

We're a memory.

Oh, and, by the way, the
voice you're using...

IMITATES VOICE: you sound
like a sex offender.

Dickhead!

Well, I've decided we're
getting out of here.

Oh, well, thank God for that.

What do you mean?

This place isn't really
suitable for kids, Spence.

It's really fun here.

They've got blood
burgers for dinner.

Well, you do realise that blood
burgers are just regular burgers,

except someone jumps out at you
from behind a chair, don't you?

It is his birthday, Jonathan.

And it's not his fault you
think zombies are real.

I panicked, OK?

I'm sorry. It's the
principal, all right?

Let's... We're going.
But I don't want to go.

Look, we've driven all the way
here now. We're not going home.

So let's just get the
keys and get warm.

We've been thrown out.

What?

We've been asked to leave.

I don't want to go! Well...

Spencer. Spencer.

Well, I...

Spencer...

Are we, erm, are we getting thrown
out because you punched that zombie?

Yes.

And for continued unreasonable
and aggressive behaviour.

Impressive.

This is a f*cking disaster.

Right, well, I suppose I'll have
to go and sort it out then, again.

Wait, wait. Why you?

Well, I want Spencer to
have a nice birthday.

That and I think that Death
fellow's a massive bellend.

She's going to k*ll him.

DEATH: Oh, no.

No, I've already told your
friend you guys have to leave.

Sorry. Erm...

That guy that just
shouted at you,

he just wants his son
to have a good birthday.

That is not my problem.
I know. I know.

But the kid's parents
have split up and, well,

because his dad is
a loser and he's...

He's living with me and my wife,
and we've just had a massive fight.

He's surrounded by a
mishmash of lunatics.

I mean, the poor kid
must think he's cursed.

I'm begging you.

He just wants to
have a good birthday

and eat... blood burgers.

We're staying! THEY CHEER

There you go. Thank you!

I ripped him a
new one, so, ah...

And there is one single
room for a single mum.

MUSIC: Ain't Gonna Tell
You by Frank Wilson

♪ We've had good times together

♪ This I want you to know

♪ I think that you're
a very nice person

♪ That's as far as I can go

♪ Because I ain't gonna tell
you Ain't gonna tell you

♪ No, I ain't gonna tell you

♪ We've had good times

♪ Good times

♪ We've had good
times in the morning

♪ Good times in the evening

♪ Good times, we've
had good times... ♪

Sorry I messed up today, Spence.

You didn't mess up.

This has been the
best birthday ever.

Way better than last year.

Well, last year was
all right, wasn't it?

Well, you and Mum
weren't really talking.

Yes, we were.

I heard you guys arguing.

Right.

Well, I only heard Mum arguing.

You sounded like you were
mumbling really quietly.

Yes, OK. Yeah, I know.

Thank you for that extra detail.

All right, come on.

So this has been way better.

And I'm going to tell everyone
that my dad punched a zombie.

Dad, are you crying?

A little bit, but, like,
in a really cool way.

Love you, Dad.

Love you, too.

And how about tomorrow I show
you how to knock out the undead?

Erm, Dad, you didn't
actually knock him out.

I could've done.

Right, goodnight.

Are you drowning your sorrows?

Only hard spirits can cut
through the disturbing flavours

of a blood burger. Hm.

You were great today.

No.

I mean, yeah, I was.

And very brave with the zombies.

Yeah, I mean, I was also
brave with the zombies.

I think I owe you an apology.

I guess I got a bit carried
away seeing your relationship

with Spencer, and...

I know we said that
kids weren't for us.

You know, erm...

Well, it pains me to admit
that your stupid brother

was probably right.

I mean, I should've made it easier
for you to talk about, and...

Well, I think I went
in a little bit strong.

Your text called me "a
manipulative b*tch".

Yeah, like I said, I think I
went in a little bit strong.

I really wasn't trying
to manipulate you.

It was just so nice
to see you being...

I don't know... maternal?

I know.

So what does this
mean in terms of kids?

I don't know. Maybe... Maybe,
for now, let's just say

it's, erm...

an open discussion.

That is very reasonable
and rational.

Well, I am very
reasonable and rational.

Come here.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I love you.

JONATHAN SIGHS
Thank you. For you.

Cheers.

Here's to only partially mentally
scarring our child tonight.

Cheers.

You're handling this break-up
better than I thought.

That felt like an insult.

No, I mean it.

I mean, old Jonathan would never
have punched a zombie and had a go

at a hotel manager.

I still feel like
there's a dig coming.

No, I...

honestly really noticed how
much you've been getting

your sh*t together.

I mean, you sorted
out Jed's cabin,

came to my rescue when
Spencer went missing.

I mean, it's a bit annoying
that you're only changing

now after we've split up.

There it is. Thank you.

We should probably talk
about the other night.

Oh, do we have to?

Not a total
transformation, then.

No, I mean, I was...

I've just been thinking...

You know, since we were, like,
when we were on the doorstep

we had that, you know...

When we said goodnight, and...

What? You can just say "kiss".

OK, when we "kissed".

Well, it was a kiss, wasn't it?

Well, it was just...

I don't know.

I don't know. I just...

I know things weren't perfect
when we were together,

but maybe, you know, it's...

It might be easi...
No, better...

if we...

if we did get back together.

Jonathan?

I'm asking you back.

No.

What?

I don't think it's right.

You're saying no?

For the past few months,

all I've wanted is for
things to get back to normal.

It's all I've thought about.

But...

We can't get back together...

because it's easy.

Do you know, Spence was picking
up on all the atmosphere

and the weirdness, and...

since the split there
hasn't been any atmosphere.

He... seems happy.

I think that...

maybe we're better parents
to him when we're apart.

Well, I think I preferred
the old Jonathan.

Bye, Mum.

Bye.

Bye.

Yeah. Bye.

Bye!

Right, come on. Let's go.

Your birthday's not over.

COURTNEY: I scored some chips!

Isn't it a bit early for chips?

I mean, do you want the chips?

Yeah.

See. Do you have ketchup?

Do I have ketchup?

Of course I have ketchup!

Whoa! There you go.

You're not going to say
"please" or "thank you", no?

Such a good night
last night, Spence.

It was a proper
party. Yeah! Party!

No, thanks for getting us
all together. It was, ah...

I want to say "fun".

No, but, seriously,

thanks for coming. You...

You made it really special.

And, ah...

Courtney, thank you
for saving the night

and for letting us
stay with you, and...

Well, I guess thanks
for everything.

Wow. When you list it like that,

you owe us a lot. Yeah, OK.

It's totally fine, Jonathan.

Actually, we were talking
about this last night, and...

you don't have to move
out any time soon.

We really love having you.

Is that true, Courtney?

Well, I want you to know it
has almost nothing to do with

your personality, but,
ah, yes, we did say that.

Yes, well, that'd be...

That'd be really nice,
actually. So thank you.

Well, we can't stay
forever, can we?

What do you mean?

I mean, I love it
at Auntie Dan's,

but we'll have to move back home
when you and Mum get back together,

won't we?

MUSIC: Bright Side Of
The Road by Van Morrison

♪ From the dark
end of the street

♪ To the bright side of the road

♪ We'll be lovers once again

♪ On the bright side of the road

♪ Little darlin',
come with me... ♪