01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
some strong language.

OK. So this is a truth ball.

OK, the last thing she
needs is a truth ball.

Let me explain, OK?

Jonathan is going to be staying
here for a while, so I thought

it would be a great idea to thrash
out any issues we might have.

OK. Well, I have an issue with
doing this whole truth ball thing.

Yes, we could always not
do the truth ball exercise

and move out right now.

I'm on board. Thank you.

Right, I'll start.

Courtney, I think you haven't made
enough of an effort with my brother,

and that not only shows a
lack of empathy for him,

but for me also. Strong agree.

Whereas, Jonathan, you don't seem
to want to find a place to live

with any urgency, which
I find inconsiderate.

Strong agree!

OK, well, I guess I haven't
properly been looking

for a place of my own

because I found it difficult
to fully accept my situation.

Also, because I've been worried

about finding a place that's
good enough for Spencer, so...

Thank you.

So...

I had always envisaged a life

that was pretty much
man-free, and I had that life.

I lived with somebody who I love
more than anyone in the world,

and my life was wonderful.

But now I find myself in a situation
where I'm living with you two,

and it's awful.

I like Spencer, actually.

But your inability to
stand up for yourself

and get a grip of your situation
makes it incredibly difficult for me

to have respect for you
or anything about you.

Also, I worry about Spencer
having you as a parent,

and you smell weird...
OK... which...

Thank you.

Thanks for that, Dan,
I feel a lot better.

You don't happen to have

a "keep the truth to your f*cking
self" ball knocking about, do you?

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi, Dad. Hello, come in.

Nice to see you. Did you
two have a good weekend?

Yeah. See you later, Mum, bye!
OK, bye, sweetie. Be good!

Cheers.

Erm, do you mind if I
just... Yeah, sure, yeah.

Have a word? Thanks.

Was he OK? Yeah, he was fine.

Actually, he was saying he
wants to audition for Cats.

What, the musical? No, no, no,

he actually wants to
audition to become a cat.

I mean, obviously,
there'll be surgery.

He cannot do a musical. Why not?

Because it will make
him a social outcast.

Bit of an overreaction,
don't you think?

I actually think you
might be underreacting.

Well, I actually think this
is really good for him.

He's struggling with the split.

He told me he's still sleeping
in the office. He's in a bed,

he's not sleeping
in a filing cabinet.

He likes being in an
office... slash-bedroom,

he says it adds
to the fun of it.

Does he? He likes
looking at the office...

I just wonder if we should just
have a conversation, maybe,

about him spending a bit
more time with me, at mine,

just until you've sorted
out a place of your own.

I don't think it's... I mean, I
just don't think that's necessary.

If you're worried about
talking to Spencer,

I can just talk to him,
it's not a problem.

Well, no, you don't have
to do that, because...

Because?

Because I've actually
found a place.

Have you?

Yeah. Well, Spencer
didn't say anything.

Well, Spencer doesn't know.
I was going to surprise him

with the news now,
as a thing, but...

Oh, right. Yeah.

Oh, OK, that's great!

Where are you moving?

Just down the road,
actually. It's a nice place.

It's a nice office for
Spencer to sleep in.

Amazing, Jonathan! Yeah, thanks.

When are you moving in?

Yeah, well, we'll be there

when you come to pick Spencer
up next. Brilliant! Right,

well, will you text me the address?
I'll just see you there, then.

Yeah. See you where?

Erm, we're moving. Are we?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it was
actually supposed to be a surprise,

but your mum gave it away.

We are still going
out for lunch, right?

Yeah, we're not
moving before lunch.

Can Mum come, too?
Erm... I can't.

No, you can't.

No, because I've got loads
of boring work to do, so...

That's a shame, that's a real shame.
Yeah. OK, all right. All right.

See you later, Spencer. Bye.

Seriously, well done on the
flat. That is... it's amazing.

Yeah. Thanks.

DOOR SHUTS

Oh, God, this salad
bar makes me feel sick.

Looks like it's been
sat there all day.

Dad, when are we going to see
the new flat? What new flat?

Spencer, would you mind getting some
coleslaw from the salad bar, please?

Did he say he's
getting a new flat?

We HAVE paid for it,
you're not stealing.

Jonathan! This is
actually amazing news.

I mean, I am actually the first
person to admit when I'm wrong.

You found a place.
I am so impressed!

OK, I actually just made that up to
stop Claire worrying about Spencer.

Right, yeah, no, that makes
more sense, of course you did.

Yeah, no, that was my
fault for believing in you.

Why the hell did you do
that? What's wrong with you?

I didn't know what else to do.

I didn't want Claire to stop
letting Spencer stay with me.

Did you think about saying,

"I don't want you to stop letting
Spencer stay with me" out loud?

I mean, instead of
inventing a property -

that's what a mental person
would do. Do you know something?

It actually blows my mind
that you work in therapy,

do you know that, Dan? Ta-da!

That's great, thank you.

Really well done.

Do you mind topping
that up a bit,

cos it's a bit of a kids'
portion, that. Thank you.

Cheers, mate. OK, it's done now,
isn't it, so what the hell do I do?

You phone up Claire, and you tell
her that you lied about the flat.

OK, and what if I absolutely
don't want to do that?

Well, then, tell her
the flat fell through.

Then she'll know I was lying,
and then it'd be impossible

to convince her to let
Spencer stay with me more.

Well, how about you come up
with a solution to the problem

that was completely your doing?

OK, well, that's not
massively helpful, is it?

Is this enough?

Well, it's a lot.
But, do you know,

would you mind adding some
sweetcorn to that, cos...?

Dad, I'm just going to
stand by the salad bar,

and you can call me when
you're done talking.

OK, great, thank you.

Smart. He's much cleverer
than his father. Mm.

"He's much cleverer than his
father." I'm sorry. Hang on,

did you even think about
Spencer in all of this?

He's going through
his parents' split,

and now he's going to work out
that all this was bullshit.

I mean, it would
literally crush him.

Hang on a minute. When is Claire
coming to pick up Spencer?

Friday. Right, so that gives
us Monday, Tuesday, Wed...

That gives us four days
to find you a flat.

Yeah, it's not actually
possible, is it?

I just think if you've got
enough focus and determination,

you can achieve anything.
Are you being sarcastic?

No. I just really, really, really
want you to move out of our house.

Have you got the truth ball
in your pocket or something?

No. It's all me.

How come you're coming to
school, today, Auntie Courtney?

Erm, just because me and mean your
dad are going to hang out, so...

Really? Yeah. Why?

Because you find Dad really annoying
and hate him. I don't hate him...

I just haven't spent a
lot of time with him,

that's why we're
hanging out today.

I once heard you saying to Auntie
Dan that you once stepped in dog poo

in your favourite shoes, and you'd
rather that happened 1,000 times

than see Dad on your sofa again.

But you didn't say "poo". Oh, what
a lovely story. Actually, I think

you've probably heard
that out of context.

I think what I was doing
was, I was telling a joke,

but, erm... because...

Sorry, it's too much effort.

I did say that. Erm, Spencer,

Mum says you want to
audition for Cats?

Yeah, why? Oh, no reason, no,

I was just wondering, are any
of your friends auditioning?

I don't think so.

Do they know that
YOU'RE auditioning? No.

Oh, OK. Do you know sort of
what your friends sort of think

about the idea or
what they might think

about the idea of you
auditioning for Cats?

Dad, what is going on?
Nothing's going on,

I was just showing an interest,
you know? All good, all good,

really happy. Have a great day!

OK. OK. See ya. See ya. Bye, Auntie
Courtney. See you later, mate!

See you, mate! Wow!
He's incredibly subtle.

He cannot do a musical.

Why not? I think it'd be cool.

Really? Cos I thought
that when I was his age,

and then I auditioned for Joseph and
the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat,

and I became the least
popular kid in school.

I played the Pharaoh,
and I was brilliant.

A lot of people said I should have
been Joseph. Well, my mum said that.

I think if you tell
the story again,

you should leave
that detail out.

Yeah, well, some kids said I
was great and they invited me

to perform at a party.

They asked me to do
Song of the King.

I turned up in full costume, got
two lines in, and it turns out

it was a massive prank.

They pelted me with chicken nuggets,
after they dipped them in ketchup.

Wow. Well, maybe, you know, don't
let something that happened to you

stop your son from being happy.

Well, while we're handing out
advice, maybe try not comparing me

to dog sh*t when my
son's in earshot?

Well, maybe try and stop
being sh*t all the time? Wow.

I was a bit worried that you're
going to find this weird now.

No, of course not,
not in the slightest.

We're mates. I actually can't
wait to tell him we've met up.

SHE CHUCKLES

Has it been OK?

Well, I mean, obviously, Courtney
still thinks Jonathan's awful,

but she's really been
getting on with Spencer.

It's nice. It's actually... it's
actually made me wonder, you know?

You are not going to say
what I think you are?

I know we said we
wouldn't have kids,

I don't want to bring it up.

I don't. It's just really nice
to see Courtney and Spencer

having fun together, you know?

Courtney enjoying
the company of a kid?

Now that's two people that
have surprised me. What?

Jonathan and Courtney.
Why Jonathan?

Well, because he's
found himself a place.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I was really worried when we
split up that he wasn't going to,

you know, pull himself
together. I mean,

I know, obviously, he's
great with Spencer,

but I don't know this move,
it's just made me think

he's being an adult, you know,
stepping up, he's doing stuff.

Don't you think? Mm!

I think it's pretty impressive,
actually. Yeah, it is. It is.

Have you seen it?
What? The place.

No, no, no. Have you?

No, no. He said it's just
down the road from you. Is it?

Well, that's great.
No, no, I'm not...

Where are the toilets, actually?

Jesus Christ!

Why didn't you tell them
that you didn't want ham?

Because I don't want to make a
fuss, I can just pull it out.

Nah, f*ck that.

You're going to
complain. What...?

Excuse me? Hi. Can I help?

Yes, you can. My
friend's got an issue.

All right, what's the problem?

There is no problem, it's fine.
Thank you so much. It's not fine.

It's fine, there's no problem.
There IS a problem, isn't there?

There's no problem. There IS a
problem, Jonathan, you're going

to speak to the lady about
it, OK? Be a big, brave boy.

Right, well, I actually wanted
a cheese toastie without ham,

and this cheese toastie does
have ham. it's with ham.

And some people like ham,
and, you know, that's fine,

I'm not saying that ham itself is
an issue, but for me, personally,

I like the cheese and the toastie
but not the ham bit, so...

I can't remember exactly what
I ordered, I might have ordered

a cheese and ham toastie.

Do you want another
sandwich? If that's OK, yeah.

It actually felt pretty good.

Well, I'm glad, because it was
absolutely revolting to watch.

Oh, thank you so much. Well, where
are we at with these properties?

Cos I've got nothing so far.

Well, I'm not using a newspaper
because it's not 1985,

and I've actually got
us some viewings online.

Great. When? We're
going to go now.

Now? Isn't it a bit soon?
No, it's not too soon

because you've got
three days, Jonathan.

And ideally, I would like you
packed and out by tonight.

Oh, that's lovely. Why don' we
order a toastie if we're going?

Well, it's principle, isn't it?

Can't let yourself be
taken advantage of.

Oh, no, you're
right. I'm so glad

that instead of having a sandwich
I had to slightly adjust,

I've got no sandwich at
all, I feel really powerful.

In you come.

Get rid of that.

And that will be gone.

Here it is. Come
on, in you come.

Have a little look around,
I'll be back in a minute.

Thank you.

This is nice.

You really think
so? Mm! It's nice.

Can you smell something?
No, I can't smell anything.

Can you see me and
Spencer living here, then?

Yeah. Yeah, sure, I can, yeah.

I just think a little bit
of TLC, open a window,

spray something
nice, it'll be nice.

I can really see you and Spencer
being very happy here, actually,

I think it's... Honest, though.

Excuse me, mate. What do I need
in order to take this place?

Well, I've had a lot of
interest in this property,

so you'd need to give me
a deposit straight away.

So what is that, like a
month's rent or something?

Typically, it would be, but for a
property as in demand as this one,

I'm going to need the deposit
plus two months' rent, upfront.

Right, two months' rent.

Can you do that? Erm... yeah,

OK. Oh, f*cking
hell, oh, my God,

sorry, I can't actually
let you do this.

Jesus Christ, Jonathan. This
place is an absolute sh*thole.

What is wrong with you?

You said it was...
And as for you!

How dare you pretend that you've got
demand for this absolute crack den?

Do you know what, you
should be apologising to us

for even showing us something
of this disgusting standard,

and then acting like we have
to prove ourselves to you?

Come on, Jonathan,
we're leaving.

HE MOUTHS

HE SIGHS

One day down and nothing.
I'm f*cked. You are not.

You just need to make tomorrow
count. Prepare properly.

Why do I need to
prepare to view a flat?

Because this isn't just about
you moving out, Jonathan,

it's about you not being walked
over and relying on me and Dan

to save you all the time.

I don't think I was that
bad. All right, come on.

Let's pretend that you are
coming to view a flat, all right?

Make me an offer. Do we have
to do this? On your feet!

Erm, I like this flat.

SHE IMITATES BUZZER

Why are you making that noise?

You never say that you like it.

You do NOT like it.
Try again. Erm, OK.

Erm, I really don't like this
flat, but I'd like to take it.

OK. Well, it's £1,200
per calendar month.

Erm, OK, great. Well...
SHE IMITATES BUZZER

No! You don't just
accept the first offer.

I mean, what would be the point
in saying that you didn't like it?

Why do you keep making the
noise from Family Fortunes...?

SHE IMITATES BUZZER Try again.

HE SIGHS OK, fine.
I'll pay half.

You having a laugh, mate?

We've got two other
offers. I don't really...

SHE IMITATES BUZZER

No! I am an estate agent,
therefore I am lying, all right?

Estate agents never
tell the truth.

OK, I think you're going a bit
far... Oh, my God, just forget it!

Don't you mean...
HE IMITATES BUZZER

forget it?

No, I don't mean that, Jonathan,

otherwise I would have
made the noise. Hi, Dan.

Hi. You all right? Yeah.

Your brother is so
sh*t at negotiating.

Dan, can I ask your
opinion on something? Mm?

What do you honestly think about
Spencer auditioning for Cats?

Apart from the fact I'd rather watch
actual cats die than a musical,

I think it's great.

You all right? Yeah. Why?

Well, I'm just worried about

the effect it might have
on him socially. Mm.

Well, look, what you have to think
is, if Spencer does the show,

would he ever be stupid
enough to believe

that someone would want to see him
perform in character at a party?

THEY LAUGH

HE MOCKS THEIR LAUGHTER

I saw Claire today. Excuse me?
Aren't you meant to be on my side?

I AM on your side. But
if you think I'm not,

I mean, we could always switch.

Claire could move in here,

and then you and me could
have occasional coffees.

Not a bad idea.
Yeah, fair point.

What did she say?

Actually, she said that you
moving out was a big deal.

It means that you're
becoming a functioning adult.

Well, that's amazing, isn't it?

I was just saying
that this situation

could do with a
bit more pressure.

HE IMITATES BUZZER

You're such a child.

JEERING

Stop it, please!

I'm just going to
sing! JEERING CONTINUES

ENOUGH!

I'm coming, Spencer!

MUSIC: Can You Get
To That by Funkadelic

He's been through a lot, OK?

THEY JEER AND BOO

When are we going to move?

What? You told Mum she'd be
picking me up from the new place.

Aren't we going to move in soon?

Erm, yeah, it's just, these
things are quite complicated.

It's just that we're
waiting on the paperwork,

which should get sorted
today, hopefully.

What will it look like?
Will I have my own bedroom?

Will there be a spare room for
mum or Auntie Dan and Courtney?

Is it close to where we are now?

OK, what are you
- an estate agent?

What do you think
about this audition?

Are you worried about
that at all? A bit.

But it's something
I really want to do.

For the first time since
you and Mum split up,

I've actually felt
excited about something,

so I don't care if
some kids tease me.

Do you know what,
you're right, mate,

you are absolutely right.

You should never let
your friends press you

into being something
other than you are.

So I want you to go
into that audition,

I want you to ignore
anyone who doubts you,

and I want you to be
the best ruddy cat

that anyone's ever seen

in the history of cats taking
part in musicals, all right?

Thanks, Dad.

You're welcome, mate.

Thank you. DOOR SHUTS

Nice and spacious.

Take your time, have
a look. Thank you.

Hmm.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

So, do we like it? Well, you know,
I kind of have no choice, do I?

Because it's the last one,
and if I don't like this one,

I have to tell my ex and child that
the entire thing was a fabrication.

But, do you know what, I
actually think it's great.

SHE IMITATES BUZZER

Like we rehearsed last night,
you're going to negotiate, OK?

Yeah, OK.

OK, are you ready?
You've got this.

OK, it's a bit of a
patronising... Just do it.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Hi,
mate, what's the rent on this?

Oh, well, it's 1,700 per
calendar month all in,

and we'd need one month's
rent as a deposit upfront.

Right. OK, thank you.

SHE IMITATES BUZZER Thanks.
"Thank you," and...?

Oh, and, erm, is that the
best you can do on the rent?

Is that the best?

Yeah, 'fraid so.

OK. Great, thanks,

you've been very clear, thank
you. SHE IMITATES BUZZER

What? Ask for 1,200.

What if I said £1,200?

What if I said £1,200
a month, please?

Erm, I'm afraid there's no movement
on the rent, so... There is.

There is.

There is movement.
There's movement, yeah.

I think it moves. There isn't.
There isn't movement, so...

There's movement. You've
got to give us something.

You've got to give us movement,
you've got to give us something.

I'm afraid there really isn't,

because, I mean, I've got, like,

three other people coming
to look at this flat

straight after you,
so, you know...

SHE WHISPERS

Do you know what, cut
the bullshit. Excuse me?

You heard me. Cut
the bullshit, OK?

You and I both know,
and she knows as well,

you don't have three people lined
up to look at this flat, OK?

You've got a bird
in the hand here,

don't sacrifice it for three
imaginary birds in a bush

that doesn't exist.

Look, I'm sorry, it's just...

No, no, no, don't "sorry" me.

Let me be very clear,
I think you're lying.

You're a liar, all right?

And now you've got a situation where
somebody wants to take the flat,

and we know that you don't have
three people lined up, do you?

Well, I... Do you? Do you?
Do you have three people?

You don't have three people, you
know you don't. Do you? Do you?

I'm not going into this. Do you?
This is ridiculous. Do you? Do you?

Do you? Do you? This is
childish, I'm sorry...

Do you? Do you? OK!

OK! The truth is, we don't
have three people lined up

to take this
property... Thought so.

But what we have is a list of
what we consider rental red flags,

and you have just contravened
about five of them, so...

No, no, I was... No!

I'm afraid to say, as a
result, Mitchell and Sons,

as a company, will not be
renting to you. Please leave.

I mean, that's it, isn't
it? It's over. f*cked it.

And Claire is going
to be expecting

to pick Spencer up from
our new place tomorrow.

How the hell have
I let this happen?

You could always tell
Claire to stick it.

Yeah, well, I'm not
really in the mood

to take your strategy
advice, if that's all right.

Yeah, well, I was just trying
to help. I am so sorry.

This wasn't just about me trying
to get you out of our house.

I do genuinely care. And you,
you really stood up to that guy.

It's not your fault.

I shouldn't have
lied to Claire...

and Spencer.

But now I'm going to have to tell
him that the whole flat was made up,

his dad's a liar,

and he's probably
going to tell his mum

she's better off
finding someone new.

Better?

A little bit.

DOOR OPENS Hi. You all right?

Yep.

How was it?

Erm, well...

You know... there wasn't really
anything good enough, was there?

But Jonathan, he did
really well, so...

Thanks for getting
Spencer. Is he OK?

He's not in a good mood.

Oh. Yeah, he... I sucked.

What? I psyched myself up,

I prepared, my friends
even wished me good luck.

And then I sucked. I'm
sure you didn't suck, mate,

just wait and see what they
say. I didn't get the part.

They told me straight
away. Oh, God, really?

They said that I
could be a stagehand,

and I thought that
meant a part in Cats,

but it turns out they
meant an actual stagehand.

Oh, my God, mate, I'm so sorry.

OK, so I know what
we're going to do.

Firstly, can I just say
congratulations? For what?

You just got into
Cats, the home version,

and your dad is going to go and
sort out some theatre snacks.

We're going to go and prepare,

and then we're going to
come back through here,

and then we are going to
perform Cats, the musical,

live from your living room.
OK. Yeah? See? Come on!

We're going to go and prepare
and you're going to be amazing.

WHISPERS: Thank you.

What the hell are
theatre snacks?

MUSIC: Oogum Boogum
Song by Brenton Wood

THEY CHEER

Brilliant! Brilliant!

Yeah!

Woo! Right, we've got
to go and de-cat now.

That was brilliant, well done!

Woo! Yes! Well done, mate!

Great. OK, so he's
actually sh*t.

Now you've said it,
yeah, he's not great.

I'd honestly prefer just
watching this blanket.

SHE LAUGHS

You do need to talk to him
about the flat, though.

Christ, what am I going to say?

All right? Got you some water.

Hi, Dad.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Listen, I, erm, I need to talk to
you about our living situation.

Me, too.

Really? Why, what's up?

Look, I've been meaning to say,

I don't want to leave...
Don't you? No offence,

It's just been really nice
getting to know Auntie Dan

and Auntie Courtney. Right.

OK. Are you annoyed?

No, of course not.
OK, well, look,

if you do want to stay here,
what I'm going to need you to do

is put on your cutest face.

Yeah, that's the one.

And I need you to beg your aunties
to let us stay here longer.

I can do that. OK, good.

And then I need you to reapply
your cutest face and tell your mum

that you're happy staying here,

because I've got to be honest, I
think she's a little bit worried

that an office doesn't
make a great bedroom. OK.

Will it be difficult to
cancel the flat, Dad?

Do you know what, I think it
will probably be all right.

Look, don't worry about it,

I'll sort it, OK? Thanks,
Dad, you're the best.

All right. Do you know what,
I absolutely am the best,

you're right. Well done.

Dad, what did you think
of my performance?

Yeah, it was really good.

Can you sing? Well, I mean, I
haven't sung for a long time...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Ha.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

♪ I closed my eyes

♪ Drew back the curtain

♪ To see for certain

♪ What I thought I knew

♪ Far, far away

♪ Someone was weeping

♪ But the world was sleeping

♪ Any dream will do. ♪